My Huckleberry friend, please take my hand as we sail down the Moon River.

It's DIY, Cos There's No One Else For Me.

First I tried music. I got Canon in D Major on loop, but it proved to be a dismal failure. The pillows became soaked after 3 repeats, and I got so tired to even breathe. You may think it's beneficial, because at least I have my breathing to concentrate on and not have to ponder on anything else..but I like to think, and feel. I couldn't budge, couldn't remember anything, couldn't even have any other emotions other than heartache. Yes, it's that 52 song that always got me weeping in the past years. I figured only a more devastating memory would ease the pain, instead, I had another shady figure inching into my heart.

Then I gulped down 4 Panadol Extras at a go, thinking that if I could do nothing to help myself emotionally, at least some painkillers would do my ailing heart good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All I got was a horrid stomache, the type that threatens to turn the whole damn thing inside out. All these, in addition to my misery and cramps. Fuck. More tears, more unbearable pain, more thoughts of suicide.

And finally, at 6am in the morning, I turned to Murakami as a last resort. Perhaps I was totally drained of life by then, or he's really a magician with words-because I had one last heartwrenching cry over this paragraph, and then drifted off to sleep.

Here, the sweetest thing I've ever read:

Midori lifted her face and looked at me. "You have this
special way with words."

"I can feel my heart softening when you say that," I said,
smiling.
"Say something even nicer."

"I really like you, Midori. A lot."

"How much is a lot?"

"Like a spring bear," I said.

"A spring bear?" Midori looked up again. "What's that
about? A spring bear."

"You're walking through a field all by yourself one day in
spring, and this sweet little bear cub with velvet fur and shiny little eyes
comes walking along. And he says to you, "Hi, there, little lady. Want to tumble
with me?" So you and the bear cub spend the whole day together in each other's
arms, tumbling down this clover-covered hill. Nice, huh?"

"Yeah. Really nice."

"That's how much I like you."
"That is the best thing I've ever heard," said Midori, cuddling up against my chest. "If you like me that much, you'll do anything I tell you to do, right? You won't get angry, right?"
"No, of course not."
"And you'll take care of me always and always."
"Of course I will," I said, stroking her short, soft, boyish hair. "Don't worry, everything is going to be fine."

Will be away till god knows when. I can't even be bothered, since I've no say in anything, anymore.

dysphoria came at 10:34 AM