When dusk has long fallen, and the world has ceased its relentless throb, I hear the sound of souls connecting- the anxious tapping of the keyboard to convey all the comfort and encouragement that the other thrives on.

It's like rousing from a haunting nightmare to have a hand over your clammy ones.






3rd entry in 2 hours, because the tiniest gesture leaves the greatest impact on me on this particularly horrifying and dramatic night. |

Dang I'm crying all over again.

2 entries dedicated to me in 2 different blogs within an hour. You both mean so much to me too, really. There are no 2 other persons in the world I would have poured out my sorrows to on such a tragic night.

And DF's insistence to buy my happiness is such a moving, noble gesture ,taking into account our history. Sometimes there's no greater comfort than empathy, patience, and reliability.

I've ceased being happy for myself. But if you bother enough, I'll give you a million of my smiles straight from the frayed ailing heart.

To those who care, I love you (: |

So Fucking Sorry.

I must thank Wei for the "screaming into the pillow" idea, for her unwavering support though she's so down and out herself.

And the Darling for everything that I can't spell out here. But you do understand don't you? Those heartfelt words made me cry more. I don't think I've ever had any bestie that I cherish more, for all the loyalty, faith and concern. 6 years dear, a lifetime more to go (:

I don't think just screaming into my pillow is gonna cushion the rude shock of realisation now. I'm gonna carve a name into it, stomp on it repeatedly, and then tear it into shreds of nothingness..which is what that person symbolise to me now. I'm sorry I didn't heed his advice, I'm sorry for maligning his kind intentions, I'm sorry I actually contemplated cutting relations with him forever...I was duped. Oh how truely his words ring now. I'm too gullible, too naive, too fucking dumb. Time's ever the reliable factor, so let it bear testimony to the sweet, precious friendship we have. He has been kind, and I've always admired the humility. Some day, when this nightmare has ceased it's run, I'll drum up the courage for this little confession among the ones I've made along the course of our friendship.

So I'm sorry yes, for bringing this mess unto myself on the eve of the eve of Judgement Day.

Oh I never knew regret would come a-knocking this soon. It was a matter of choice, and I've never been more gratified he's willing to forgive and forget my wrongdoings. I'm a tainted piece of junk metal he picked up among the trash and so patiently polished to a brilliant shine. He's a potential Fifi waiting to happen, and I cherish him for that. It says a lot too, when I'm allowing the log count to increase from where we left off, or rather, where I threw in the towel on us. Past and present is merging, and we're back to the carefree period we once shared.

Maybe I'm too much of an emotional wreck now. Maybe I've always been this irrational. Who knows, I might even regret these words that I've painstakingly written in the future, because we might have misread the signs (which is highly unlikely, considering the opinions I had)..but as of now, I hope that bastard burns in hell.

Now I'd like to see who'd dethrone me as the Drama Queen. Sometimes while suffocating with tears, I can't help but to giggle in amusement at the problems that are drawn to me like guys to porn.

Guys.

*stabs heart* |

Cambodia, NYC, Tokyo or KL?

I'm so sorry for the damn escapist I turn into whenever problems arise. I'm a freaking cauldron on trouble waiting to overflow. Sorry. It has been so during the nightmarish JC years..except the blanket was a sufficient shelter to tide me over the storm. Remember my infamous disappearing acts (so deemed as truancy by some, but the loved ones should know better)?

I could feel one impending right now. Now, as my fingers fly across the keyboard, as my heart is overwhelmed by wanderlust, as my mind fantasise about a beautiful world far away from this Hell. I can no longer take cover under my blanket and cry my heart out- this time I need a whole new life in a vastly different world to heal.

How ungrateful eh, to harbour thoughts of abandoning the greatest loves I have here. But the mother, the family, the results, the friendships...they're more burden than what the delicate shoulders can carry. I'm born defective. I'm never made to handle great stress, nor illnesses, nor crises.

I'm spoiled rotten.

I'm spoilt.

I need to run with my spoiled legs, or crawl away on my rotten knees...it doesn't matter. It's no longer an option, but a necessity. A biological requirement. The damned heart palpitates, the damned lungs refuse to take in more air, the damned mind is constantly shrouded in darkness, the damned hands tremble, the damned pores break out into cold sweat, the damn stomach refuses to accomodate more food without hurling.

But...how do I go about doing this with all the freaking obligations? |

My Comfort Zone.

I was too blinded by my ideals of perfection to be satisfied with my impossibly blessed life. I must have 52. I must have fair and clear skin. I must be decked in the prettiest togs. I must have immaculate nails. I must have lustrous hair. So self-absorbed and preoccupied was I with my obstinate thoughts that god knows how many opportunities have slipped past my fingers.

Well this time I chose to deviate from the silly, immature self-formulated ideals and I've never been more glad I took the little detour, because I found you (:

Last night I discovered the warmest, cosiest, happiest, most comfortable spot on earth. For the first time in a long, long while I thought I actually had an inkling of bliss.

Nevermind the immense unease I had from the sleazy, deserted cinema.

Nevermind the awkwardness of watching a R21 gay movie for the first time.

Nevermind the enduring exhaustion from work and the long walk.

Nevermind my haunting depression, my anxiety and fear of the future, or anything unbeknownst.

Because all that matters is the security and comfort I derive from your proximity. The moment I closed my eyes, every shred of trouble slipped away from the burdened soul. And the slumber. It smoothened the creased heart, it soothed the dull ache of regret...it was the one thing I never knew I yearned for. All I could remember thinking was, "I'd give anything to remain this safe and oblivious forever."

I can't believe said spot could actually be a person.


What's essential is invisible to the eye.

So to hell with my prerequisites of the Significant Other. Provide me the state of oblivion and bliss I so rightfully deserve, and I could actually grow to love you.

Now I wonder, what am I to you? |

An Overdue Stay In My Mind

The boy with Edwin's face and build and 52's smile wouldn't budge from my memory.

Daniel's his name. Such an unlikely rocker he is, but I love him the way he is, a wee bit dorky, fair-skinned, skinny, bespectacled and all...because he's sufficiently endearing to embody the best assets of my crushes. I had a thing for drummers, and now, electric guitarists are starting to grow on me. Spesh geeky-looking ones wearing over-sized tees, baggy jeans and grubby sneakers (:

It's a pity then, that he's born 3 years too late...or I, 3 years too early.

And after thumbing through Wei's Cleo yesterday, I decided I had to get one for myself, or die pining for Shan's face. Now staring at his photo is gonna become a compulsive behaviour..maybe even an addiction. SO HOT. And mind you, no other guy besides 52 could send that heart racing for its life.

So yes, Vic was, and will always be straight, thank you. I don't need anymore malicious rumours yeah. It's ridiculous that I could be together with this guy, and gay at the same time no? Get a life, any one will do, because it's bound to be better than the current one you have rotting away weaving warped tales. |

Forgotten Smiles, Dearly Missed Tears.

So Weiwei treated me to this Innova JC "Love Under the Stars" V-day rock concert yesterday.

I love the galore of hot girls in the audience! And the bands were very endearing in the "I can't sing well but you know I want you to love every moment of this" kinda way. There were certain band members that were particularly adorable, especially those dorky ones with unconventional (ie outdated) hairstyles, skinny frames and thick glasses. They were so cute that I couldn't help exclaiming so and grabbing onto Wei during the whole concert. And they sang my favourite song in the whole world! In that band, the drummer was the lead vocalist, and the guitarist was trying to add on layers by going, "I miss you! I miss you!" throughout the song. Awww...I swear there's nothing else in the world that could tickle me and melt my heart at the same time.

All the cheering and hooting and shouting; the silly, bashful confessions; the subtle jibes; the thick warm blanket called School Spirit hovering in the air- oh they really made the most beautiful first 3 months flash before my eyes. Especially times of being the subject of teasings and pranks by friends, being the greatest saboteur myself, hanging out at all the weird places after school, always running into him even outside of school and how we'll both stare at each other before recognition dawns upon us and we'll chuckle like old time chums, 52, and Mass Dance! It's my life's greatest irony thus far that the person I yearned to dance with has since gotten his heart trampled upon by my deformed, fugly feet and my sole vision of perfection has since trampled all over mine with his unintentional oblivion and indifference.

Time really changes everything doesn't it? We're all ephemeral.

And I couldn't help playing over and over again that tragic day when I had the greatest meltdown in public. In school, for that matter. It was my greatest blessing to have Nan with me, or I would have...ran into the pouring rain and get drowned in my sorrows or something. I don't know why I had such irrelevant thoughts during a happening, upbeat concert, but like Wei says, we're all missing school too much for our own good.

What have I been missing the most? What has been causing this emptiness that sends endless echoes resonating throughout my entire freaking being?

52? My darling friends? Fifi? CCA? Or.. is it pain? A reason to substantiate the air of melancholy about me that refuses to budge even though Life is already at its kindest to me?

Well it is pain actually. The heartwrenching type that creates a vice-like grip around your heart, threatening to crush it into smithereens. The type that makes you grief like a young widow and mourn for your entire lifetime. 52 was why I chose sweet, sweet misery as my lifelong companion, but now that he's gone, I've come to realise I cannot revert to my old ways. I cannot abandon the familiar and almost comforting misery, and neither can it let go of me. We're too tightly entwined, we're now an entity. I'm like a pain-addict, without my daily (or even hourly) dosage, I've ceased to function even as a simpleton.

I want to cry and be permanently depressed without everyone looking at me with helpless gazes. I want my addiction to tears to last a lifetime. More than anything, I want pain to jerk me out of this relentless numbness I've sunken into since forever.

Now I don't know why all my happy beginnings have a tragic ending, much like this entry. Maybe my whole life will be like this.

I'm sick and hooked onto sadness and I've lost my reason to be so. |

Because Nothing is Scarier Than Love

Old woman: You still don't have any Halloween candy, huh?
Old man: Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day candy! Why do you keep calling it Halloween?

--Duane Reade, 62nd & Broadway

The old lady is so me huh. I wonder when will I have an old man like that(:

And by the way, there isn't a Valentine's Day since I was 13 that I didn't stay up late the night before just to prepare gifts and pen mushy little notes. I thought I could shun all that unnecessary trouble this year..but looks like adult women are suckers for V-day gifts too, as proven from the joy displayed on the colleagues' faces.

It's only 7 plus, and I think I'm getting too woozy for my date. Poor him. (: |

Another Round Of Contemplation.

Because my favourite blogger in the world is gone, disappearing without a trace from the virtual world-no archived entries, no proper goodbye; just a few meaningless, obligatory words that would produce the most hollow echoes would she had said it out loud, I find myself at the pits of the vicious life blogging cycle again.

I'm mourning my lost, as well as the world's. She was really all that quirky, inspiring, beautiful and free-spirited. Besides alcohol, I have an obsessive addiction to the written word as well. Her written words. Her entries of her encounters with the coolest ( ie weirdest, by ordinary standard) strangers, her analogies, her "Dear You"s...I practically yearned to become her.

And now, I have to go cold turkey. How incredibly ruthless and inconsiderate of her to make a sudden departure. I don't think I even have the motivation to come online anymore.

Come Feb14, this blog would be 2 years old. I've been toying with the idea of a blogicide or a re-location, because 2 years far exceeds the expiry date for novelties. We'll see. Maybe...Chus would like to own this? Would you, darling? Then I wouldn't have to destroy all my fond memories in print.

But anyway, I'll leave you guys with a funny anecdote while I muse further.

Possibly My Last Attempt At Domestication

vic: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
vic:i tried to steam baos
vic: and now all chao ta
jw:hahahahahha
vic: cant even eat the inside. black throughout
jw: where got chao ta want!!!
vic: got leh! shrink up and become crusty
vic: and black
jw: ohhh my tian did u add water
jw:what did u use to steam?
vic: put in those pot. of course got water
vic: but i think steam for 30 min tt's why
vic: HAHAHAHAHA
vic: but good lah. just eat bananas for breakfast can alr. lose weight!
jw: plsssssssss la where got 30minutes one!!!!
vic:i first time steam!! must understand! muahahahahaha. cos i see those chinese restaurant also put those bao in the "long2" for very long one leh
jw:oh my tian
jw: hah
vic:hais. now sia suay myself only
jw: hahaha damn funny
vic: aspiring chinese chef---> big failure
jw: yingxiu says 30mins can steam fish
jw: sorry i had to share with her
jw: we're both falling aslp
vic: LOLOLOLOLOL
vic: FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
vic: im reallylaughing like crazy now
jw: fish also dont need half an hour
vic: hahaha
jw:now she say can go sauna
vic: the baos lor. go in caucasian come out become african
jw: ahahahahahahaha
yx: aiyo nxt time u go dn buy food lah
jw: hahaha
vic: i wait till the bao cool down first. then i'll try to peel open and see inside still can eat or not
jw: got smell also
yx: omg
yx: u win liao
vic: OMG
vic: so hard tt i cant even break it
vic: then the paper stuck beneath the bao became sth like ashes when i touched it
vic: seriously too over-cooked
yx: omg
yx: u steam until no water ar?
vic: OMG YES! i didnt realise all the water was gone!
vic: hahahahahahaha
yx: lolz
yx:no wonder burnt
yx: bet the bowl u use to steam oso burnt
vic: :) |

I've seen how Love ruined people. I haven't been this wrecked for nothing.

Dearie, I thought I was a good enough example when it comes to self-destructive love. Havent you witnessed my inexplicable tears, my sudden outbursts, my shrinking into near-total obscurity, my mindless indulgence in alcohol...my pain, my terrible, heartwrenching, impossibly unbearable pain? Maybe you should think of me, and how I squandered 2 wonderful years of my youth surfing the Black Wave. 2 years. 24 months. 730 days spent pining and aching for a future I was too afraid to even fantasise about. I will never allow you to follow in my footsteps. I can never bear to see someone this close falling head-first into Hell like I did...which is why I will do the best I can. You aren't my twin for nothing, so of course I feel your emotions.

I need you to ponder now, if the impending heartache (oh you know there's bound to be!), tears and loneliness would be worth a moment's abandonment? Would the recklessness pay off in the future? Please, at least mull over this before passion overwhelms you (like what both of us are so susceptible to!).

I empathise with you fully, alright? Just hang in there, I'm too exhausted of late to even contact anyone now, but I'm always here okay. I hope this would suffice for the time being. I love you, hen duo hen duo! (: |

When words still remain imprinted in your mind despite the drunken stupor..

"Am I a troublesome friend to you or not?"

"No lah, you're never one. You're very pretty."

"Hahahaha! What's the link?"

"No link. Just wanted to say that."

"Okay."

"Don't cry already ah. Must smile. I came out just for your smile and it was all I looked forward to all week..I really don't blame you."

"1 more week you know. It's so long! Haven't we waited for so long? Don't me so nice to me, it's all my fault!"

"7 more days, very fast one lah. Maybe can even celebrate V-day in advance. Haha. We'll meet real soon k?"

"Real soon...as if! Sigh."

"Be happy lah, don't break my heart anymore. We still can talk on the phone every night ya?"


Wouldn't one cry even more upon hearing words as such?

There are some choices that I'll never ever have the heart to make. |

Chainsaw My Heart.

I thought the ancient gnarled tree was extremely pretty by its own gothic, mystical rights.

The clouds tinged with reddish hues seemed like a precursor to an impending danger. A warning maybe, that we were a forbidden entity. But to eyes that have acquired a taste for unconventional, obscure beauty, those were so pretty, they were almost surreal.

There was the silence that was so comfortable, it put the world-wreary mind and soul to a much needed rest.

Plus the butterflies in the stomach (: It has been such a long time since.

Then the phone decided that Vic should never be entitled to such special moments and knocked her out of her reverie. From the second the very nice words of yours flashed on the screen, I felt like the world's greatest villian. I never knew I've attained such an important position in your heart, such that my constant support and encouragement are essentials to your survival. I was moved, very gratified that you do appreciate my concern and the love I offered, but at the same time overwhelmed with all the guilt and regret. You're so special..we're so uniquely undefined that I never knew what to make of us.

But I have to now, don't I?

Even if the heart was to be sliced and served to all of you, who deserves the greatest portion? There are some things that can never be equally distributed, for I'm only human.

Someone once told me that I love like a man-very indecisive, very fickle, lacks commitment and loyalty..but as I have experienced in the 18 years of life, I love worse than a man. Maybe I'm born defective, you know, I never will be able to love.

Time will tell I guess. Good, old reliable time which dilutes even the most heartwrenching pain in life. In the meantime, we'll all continue to struggle in this hellish web....and try to milk all the fun and excitement out of it yeah? As sadistic as it might sound. |

my WONDERFUL home

it's chilly n freezing cold today since it has been raining all day long. sometimes i really wondered if i had made the right decision to live in their house for these few months.. their lifestyles, habits n everything totally contrast mine. the only good thing (that i can think of now) of living with them is that i get to save alot on transport n food expenditures for me to go shopping at frequently. i was thining of moving out, maybe renting an apartment, but the astronomical sum of money (which my friend had told me yest) that i have to set aside immediately make me forget the idea of renting a one-room apartment. their house ,at best, can be referred to as a pig sty, n at worst, a hell hole. frankly speaking , i am not being mean here. no sane person can definitely tolerate the thought of having to stay in such a house for long. argh!!! i never fail to cringe at the thought of returning home every single day.let's just hope that my clazmates (i am so desperate that at this moment i cant be bothered if i have to bunk in wif a guy) have an additional room or just an additional space to accommodate me.that's how desperate i am. |

about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


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