My Pre-Prom Depression
Thou shalt be a Greek Goddess tomorrow, and the most mighty one at that.
Anyone who dares to emulate my style, even so much as wearing the same heels as me, will be cast into stone the very second I set my eyes on her.
Ah, actually I'm just ultra insecure, uneasy, jaded, disappointed yada yada yada. I'm about as uncombustible as a water-soaked log, which isn't really me is it. This prom is wrong to begin with...all I felt is negativity towards it. That, coupled with the past week of DAILY scouting and shopping is enough to place me in eternal trauma. You don't know how drained I am by it, and how dreadfully I wish for it to come and go. It's like, just another formal graudation ceremony that we're all obliged to attend for an emotional closure of sorts.
An obligation, a chore, a very challenging task...everything but an enjoyment.
Just don't let there be clones of me please. I've already settled for the most subtle, unexciting, blah dress that I have sufficient love for, so please, don't let anyone else be seen dressing like me. And most importantly, I don't wish for a fun-filled/meaningful/wacky night, I just want everything to proceed smoothly without glitches.
I care too much about the tiniest details, and brood on them 24/7, which more or less is enough of a superficial reason to explain this depression. But the deeper underlying cause? That's only for me to know.
Thou shalt be a Greek Goddess tomorrow, and the most mighty one at that.
Anyone who dares to emulate my style, even so much as wearing the same heels as me, will be cast into stone the very second I set my eyes on her.
Ah, actually I'm just ultra insecure, uneasy, jaded, disappointed yada yada yada. I'm about as uncombustible as a water-soaked log, which isn't really me is it. This prom is wrong to begin with...all I felt is negativity towards it. That, coupled with the past week of DAILY scouting and shopping is enough to place me in eternal trauma. You don't know how drained I am by it, and how dreadfully I wish for it to come and go. It's like, just another formal graudation ceremony that we're all obliged to attend for an emotional closure of sorts.
An obligation, a chore, a very challenging task...everything but an enjoyment.
Just don't let there be clones of me please. I've already settled for the most subtle, unexciting, blah dress that I have sufficient love for, so please, don't let anyone else be seen dressing like me. And most importantly, I don't wish for a fun-filled/meaningful/wacky night, I just want everything to proceed smoothly without glitches.
I care too much about the tiniest details, and brood on them 24/7, which more or less is enough of a superficial reason to explain this depression. But the deeper underlying cause? That's only for me to know.
dysphoria came at 5:54 PM
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You Asked What Was Holding Onto My Reins.
[From PostSecret]
I don't want us to become like that...That's my greatest fear, and I hope you'll see that eventually.
[From PostSecret]
I don't want us to become like that...That's my greatest fear, and I hope you'll see that eventually.
dysphoria came at 12:05 AM
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School's really out...but I'm still crying.
I'll have to go to the prom in my dress and the beloved skull flip-flops, with my fugly pink school bag in tow.
Tonight I shall cry the world down and then die of dehydration so I need not worry about prom anymore, and can finally get my long-awaited eternal sleep.
I'm too particular for my own good, but please tell me, how do I cure this damned heart?
I'll have to go to the prom in my dress and the beloved skull flip-flops, with my fugly pink school bag in tow.
Tonight I shall cry the world down and then die of dehydration so I need not worry about prom anymore, and can finally get my long-awaited eternal sleep.
I'm too particular for my own good, but please tell me, how do I cure this damned heart?
dysphoria came at 7:58 PM
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Taking Off My Rose-Tinted Shades.
Dydy is a nice friend. Okay, maybe he's only this thoughtful because of reasons better left unsaid...but it's sufficient to make me regret the hostility I directed at him throughout my whole CCA life.
I really shouldn't be so judgemental about the male species. Some girls grow out of their boys-hating phase, but spending my formative years in an all-girls school has somehow ingrained that attitude in me for life. I'm straight, my greatest love is directed towards a guy, my bestest friend in the world is a man with a teenage boy's mentality (but still perfectly male nevertheless), I believe that guys make better friends than girls. It's only this damned distrustful and skeptical nature of mine that has made me this way. I've been so horribly immature.....but nevermind.
Just as long as I learn.
Dydy is a nice friend. Okay, maybe he's only this thoughtful because of reasons better left unsaid...but it's sufficient to make me regret the hostility I directed at him throughout my whole CCA life.
I really shouldn't be so judgemental about the male species. Some girls grow out of their boys-hating phase, but spending my formative years in an all-girls school has somehow ingrained that attitude in me for life. I'm straight, my greatest love is directed towards a guy, my bestest friend in the world is a man with a teenage boy's mentality (but still perfectly male nevertheless), I believe that guys make better friends than girls. It's only this damned distrustful and skeptical nature of mine that has made me this way. I've been so horribly immature.....but nevermind.
Just as long as I learn.
dysphoria came at 1:24 AM
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Like Sex Without The Orgasm.
I'm simply ecstatic. No news can be greater than this (except good grades for A's of course..nothing beats that now).
Jetstar Asia will fly direct to Phnom Penh and Siem Reap three-times weekly. To celebrate the launch, special fares from S$128 to both destinations will be offered for bookings made by November 27 for travel completed by March 25th, 2006. Every day low fares to both destinations will start from S$178.
“Phnom Penh’s wide tree-lined boulevards showcase laid-back French colonial architecture. The city’s highlights have to include taking a cruise on the meandering Mekong at sunset or sampling the very best of Indo-chinese food,” said Mr Ken Ryan, CEO of Jetstar Asia.
“Angkor Wat provides a completely different contrast to the capital with the sheer spectacle of the achievements of an ancient civilization. With Jetstar Asia, travelers get direct connections to Siem Reap to maximize their time exploring the beautiful temples of Angkor,” said Mr Ryan.
The ultimate, euphoric experience of a life-time has never been cheaper.
Now if only I can find a travel-mate.
Parents: Wah now there got bird-flu leh! And you know we don't like exotic places like that..we're too old for all these adventures already lah.
Friends: CAMBODIA? Vic is actually giving up New York or Europe or (insert name of random famous city) for a third-world country??? *endless mockery*
Him: Oh wow I'd love to go there too.
But you know I'd rather die than to even hint to him about it.
How, people? I've been dying to go there for MONTHS. And what the friends said is true, I'd gladly give up city-life for just a week of rural, country-side living. THE Angkor Wat to me, is sacred beyond all holy grounds. The turbulence, the poverty, the hunger, the endless sufferings and pain just calls out to me like crime and violence does. I want to be bowled over by the intricacies of the temples' grounds, the vast green fields, the prospect of stepping onto a landmine whenever one wanders out of the safe boundaries.
I NEED this experience to be enlightened, to appreciate the seemingly screwed-up life that I have. I believe it can even inspire my blind, feverish passion for writing again. Just one week in Cambodia, traversing the pot-hole ridden tracks of Siem Reap and Phnom Penh would change my life forever. Oh you don't know how special it is to me...
If New York is my Dream, Cambodia embodies the Nirvana I must attain to chase my dream.
All this talk is useless though. Because I cannot travel alone, and no one loves me enough to do so with me.
I'm simply ecstatic. No news can be greater than this (except good grades for A's of course..nothing beats that now).
Jetstar Asia will fly direct to Phnom Penh and Siem Reap three-times weekly. To celebrate the launch, special fares from S$128 to both destinations will be offered for bookings made by November 27 for travel completed by March 25th, 2006. Every day low fares to both destinations will start from S$178.
“Phnom Penh’s wide tree-lined boulevards showcase laid-back French colonial architecture. The city’s highlights have to include taking a cruise on the meandering Mekong at sunset or sampling the very best of Indo-chinese food,” said Mr Ken Ryan, CEO of Jetstar Asia.
“Angkor Wat provides a completely different contrast to the capital with the sheer spectacle of the achievements of an ancient civilization. With Jetstar Asia, travelers get direct connections to Siem Reap to maximize their time exploring the beautiful temples of Angkor,” said Mr Ryan.
The ultimate, euphoric experience of a life-time has never been cheaper.
Now if only I can find a travel-mate.
Parents: Wah now there got bird-flu leh! And you know we don't like exotic places like that..we're too old for all these adventures already lah.
Friends: CAMBODIA? Vic is actually giving up New York or Europe or (insert name of random famous city) for a third-world country??? *endless mockery*
Him: Oh wow I'd love to go there too.
But you know I'd rather die than to even hint to him about it.
How, people? I've been dying to go there for MONTHS. And what the friends said is true, I'd gladly give up city-life for just a week of rural, country-side living. THE Angkor Wat to me, is sacred beyond all holy grounds. The turbulence, the poverty, the hunger, the endless sufferings and pain just calls out to me like crime and violence does. I want to be bowled over by the intricacies of the temples' grounds, the vast green fields, the prospect of stepping onto a landmine whenever one wanders out of the safe boundaries.
I NEED this experience to be enlightened, to appreciate the seemingly screwed-up life that I have. I believe it can even inspire my blind, feverish passion for writing again. Just one week in Cambodia, traversing the pot-hole ridden tracks of Siem Reap and Phnom Penh would change my life forever. Oh you don't know how special it is to me...
If New York is my Dream, Cambodia embodies the Nirvana I must attain to chase my dream.
All this talk is useless though. Because I cannot travel alone, and no one loves me enough to do so with me.
dysphoria came at 11:58 PM
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I Lack A Pensieve, But I Have A Blog.
"Wah...I could almost feel you breathing down my neck", he half-mocked, half-teased.
I was filled with indignance, from the shocking revellation AND humiliation."Got meh! It's not that bad lah!"
"Do you always breathe this heavily when you're stressed, or is it because of me?"
"What a stupid question! What do you think leh?"
"Me lor."
"Hahaha. Ya lor ya lor. You're worse than stress. "
I always loved our convos, so I'm letting such memories be inscribed in digital ink. They'll still be here when we won't speak to each other anymore, when circumstances bring us apart...the bittersweet recollections so much worth savouring than chocolates. When psychosis or amnesia finally lay its claim on me, you'll know what to do to revoke the last shred of sanity in me (:
I speak like we're dying.
Like I'm dying.
Tell me if it isn't true.
"Wah...I could almost feel you breathing down my neck", he half-mocked, half-teased.
I was filled with indignance, from the shocking revellation AND humiliation."Got meh! It's not that bad lah!"
"Do you always breathe this heavily when you're stressed, or is it because of me?"
"What a stupid question! What do you think leh?"
"Me lor."
"Hahaha. Ya lor ya lor. You're worse than stress. "
I always loved our convos, so I'm letting such memories be inscribed in digital ink. They'll still be here when we won't speak to each other anymore, when circumstances bring us apart...the bittersweet recollections so much worth savouring than chocolates. When psychosis or amnesia finally lay its claim on me, you'll know what to do to revoke the last shred of sanity in me (:
I speak like we're dying.
Like I'm dying.
Tell me if it isn't true.
dysphoria came at 8:50 PM
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About Lard-It Always Is.
I have a balloon for a face, and kiddy floats as my limbs. I believe someday soon, I'll either float up among the clouds while I'm asleep, or gain incredible buoyancy in water...depending on which expands at a greater rate.
Now I have no clothes that I can fit into, so I cannot go shopping.
No make up can cover-up the puffer-fish face either.
I've never been more afraid of the F word.
I have a balloon for a face, and kiddy floats as my limbs. I believe someday soon, I'll either float up among the clouds while I'm asleep, or gain incredible buoyancy in water...depending on which expands at a greater rate.
Now I have no clothes that I can fit into, so I cannot go shopping.
No make up can cover-up the puffer-fish face either.
I've never been more afraid of the F word.
dysphoria came at 12:44 PM
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Sometimes I Get So Grotesque, I Hide From Myself.
I wonder why I always have insane, insatiable cravings for cold, soothing Guiness draught on the eve of National Bio exams.
I know I shouldn't cave in to sinful, sinful temptations, but I did.
It'll be nice to see how much more my hands will tremble from both nerves and hangover tomorrow. Trying to visualise how my stationary will be flying all over and the shocked look on a neighbour's face when one of those damn things lands on her table cracks me up as much as when Sum said," I keep thinking of people being mass-executed on the Linkway, and then forcing students to eat the bodies up".
I'm dying to see Saw 2, not because I want to be scared silly, but I wanna be amused and enthralled by gore and violence.
I can't wait for the 24th, because that will be the day I unleash the Devil within. Hell will break loose, and (self)destruction will be in my wake.
I wonder why I always have insane, insatiable cravings for cold, soothing Guiness draught on the eve of National Bio exams.
I know I shouldn't cave in to sinful, sinful temptations, but I did.
It'll be nice to see how much more my hands will tremble from both nerves and hangover tomorrow. Trying to visualise how my stationary will be flying all over and the shocked look on a neighbour's face when one of those damn things lands on her table cracks me up as much as when Sum said," I keep thinking of people being mass-executed on the Linkway, and then forcing students to eat the bodies up".
I'm dying to see Saw 2, not because I want to be scared silly, but I wanna be amused and enthralled by gore and violence.
I can't wait for the 24th, because that will be the day I unleash the Devil within. Hell will break loose, and (self)destruction will be in my wake.
dysphoria came at 9:50 PM
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I have the weirdest, most disturbing dreams when I'm stressed. Not when I'm upset in general, but stressed, specifically. I guess that means my mind's most active, and I'm more productive as a whole under high tension...
I actually like my entries better when I write them under stress-induced paranoia. They're more raw, more undisguised, like the clear dewy skin that actually exists underneath the layers of make-up we pile upon ourselves. I've never been more real, more truthful, more dare-to-bare as opposed to other situations I've gotten myself into.
So stress is good.
And, I must get a dream diary soon. They're too private and, erm, explicit to be shared here, even if nobody reads this..because someone like HIM might chance upon this one day.
I actually like my entries better when I write them under stress-induced paranoia. They're more raw, more undisguised, like the clear dewy skin that actually exists underneath the layers of make-up we pile upon ourselves. I've never been more real, more truthful, more dare-to-bare as opposed to other situations I've gotten myself into.
So stress is good.
And, I must get a dream diary soon. They're too private and, erm, explicit to be shared here, even if nobody reads this..because someone like HIM might chance upon this one day.
dysphoria came at 11:58 PM
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Because I'm Free of Destiny's Clutches Now
Everyone who knows me well should know that I have an inexplicable love for the status "Appear Offline". It's something like voyeurism, you enjoy the free exhibitions of nicknames and display pictures in private-all of which display a shred of emotion, a part of your life that you've willingly or unknowingly revealed.
Oh of course that's just an excuse I've cooked up to cover-up my anti-social tendencies with a bit of philosophical insights (okay, maybe you don't see any). Heh heh. In reality, we all know I'm an anti-social bitch made worse by all the disappointments and stress life has heaped upon her.
So this is our story...
"Appear offline"
"Online"
After 20 minutes: "Away"
"Online"
(still)"Away"
After 5 minutes: "Online"
"Appear offline"
"Away"
I love how I respond to his status, and he, to mine. Little anecdotes like that speak volumes.
I'm sorry. I'm really not a good person.
Everyone who knows me well should know that I have an inexplicable love for the status "Appear Offline". It's something like voyeurism, you enjoy the free exhibitions of nicknames and display pictures in private-all of which display a shred of emotion, a part of your life that you've willingly or unknowingly revealed.
Oh of course that's just an excuse I've cooked up to cover-up my anti-social tendencies with a bit of philosophical insights (okay, maybe you don't see any). Heh heh. In reality, we all know I'm an anti-social bitch made worse by all the disappointments and stress life has heaped upon her.
So this is our story...
"Appear offline"
"Online"
After 20 minutes: "Away"
"Online"
(still)"Away"
After 5 minutes: "Online"
"Appear offline"
"Away"
I love how I respond to his status, and he, to mine. Little anecdotes like that speak volumes.
I'm sorry. I'm really not a good person.
dysphoria came at 11:55 AM
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Dream, Because They Are Wishes Your Heart Make.
I wish like hell I didn't screw up my best subject (or all my papers for that matter), but I did. It goes to show whatever talent I possess is ephemeral, no? This tears my heart up worse than love did, because the dawning of the realisation that I'm nothing but a rotting, hollow shell reaffirms my belief that there's NO reason for my existance on earth at all. Without talent, without nary a skill, I'm useless and don't deserve Life.
I wish I could confidently say I'm gonna stick to Arts all my life, but now I'm stuck in the gutter, with Science and the Arts way above among the stars- ie, I suck at both so bad, you wouldn't be able to differentiate an uneducated, dialect-speaking person from me. I have nothing left.
I wish I could say I love the A's because it makes me wake up from my 6-year long dream that I was, at least, rather bright and could write pieces that are at least, not mediocre. Comprehending the cold, ruthless truth now is better than realising you're but a good-for-nothing only when you sit for your finals in Uni, because then, you'll be wasting at least 6 more years of your life. But I HATE the A's to death...truth is never easy to bare with I guess. Heh.
I wish I could talk to you always, to hold your face within my gaze, to have your special touch warm my heart, because you're simply magical. You can ease every pain: emotional, mental ofrphyiscal. You're the only chance I have at experiencing happiness again. But that's not really possible is it,because we hardly even talk now.
I wish you could play "Pachelbel Canon" for me, while I sit beside you, instead of playing it on loop on my computer all the time. Then I'll drop silent tears onto your keyboard, and you'll stop and ask me what was wrong with me all these while. Those very words from your mouth will crumble the walls around my heart, and I'll tell you every single effing reason that made me the way I am today. Bottling up is never easy on the soul, but finding a soulmate, and requesting you to sacrifice your time for me, is even harder.
I really wish death could come and claim me every night when I sleep. I pray for that even, as I don't wanna go to Hell for suicide, and self-inflicted pain takes a lot more out of this coward than you think. But when I think of the remaining papers I have, I tell myself I cant do so...just yet. If I have to go, let me die as an A-level graduate, because then the past 2 years of my life wouldn't have been for nothing.
I have many wishes. Maybe at my deathbed, I'll be remembered as "Vic the dreamer who has accomplished nothing in Life because she has no substance. Not at all". At least it's something..I'm not complaining already.
I wish like hell I didn't screw up my best subject (or all my papers for that matter), but I did. It goes to show whatever talent I possess is ephemeral, no? This tears my heart up worse than love did, because the dawning of the realisation that I'm nothing but a rotting, hollow shell reaffirms my belief that there's NO reason for my existance on earth at all. Without talent, without nary a skill, I'm useless and don't deserve Life.
I wish I could confidently say I'm gonna stick to Arts all my life, but now I'm stuck in the gutter, with Science and the Arts way above among the stars- ie, I suck at both so bad, you wouldn't be able to differentiate an uneducated, dialect-speaking person from me. I have nothing left.
I wish I could say I love the A's because it makes me wake up from my 6-year long dream that I was, at least, rather bright and could write pieces that are at least, not mediocre. Comprehending the cold, ruthless truth now is better than realising you're but a good-for-nothing only when you sit for your finals in Uni, because then, you'll be wasting at least 6 more years of your life. But I HATE the A's to death...truth is never easy to bare with I guess. Heh.
I wish I could talk to you always, to hold your face within my gaze, to have your special touch warm my heart, because you're simply magical. You can ease every pain: emotional, mental ofrphyiscal. You're the only chance I have at experiencing happiness again. But that's not really possible is it,because we hardly even talk now.
I wish you could play "Pachelbel Canon" for me, while I sit beside you, instead of playing it on loop on my computer all the time. Then I'll drop silent tears onto your keyboard, and you'll stop and ask me what was wrong with me all these while. Those very words from your mouth will crumble the walls around my heart, and I'll tell you every single effing reason that made me the way I am today. Bottling up is never easy on the soul, but finding a soulmate, and requesting you to sacrifice your time for me, is even harder.
I really wish death could come and claim me every night when I sleep. I pray for that even, as I don't wanna go to Hell for suicide, and self-inflicted pain takes a lot more out of this coward than you think. But when I think of the remaining papers I have, I tell myself I cant do so...just yet. If I have to go, let me die as an A-level graduate, because then the past 2 years of my life wouldn't have been for nothing.
I have many wishes. Maybe at my deathbed, I'll be remembered as "Vic the dreamer who has accomplished nothing in Life because she has no substance. Not at all". At least it's something..I'm not complaining already.
dysphoria came at 10:11 AM
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Playing Mr Holmes.
I think, I've just solved the mystery of the horrible screeching noise that terrorised everyone who visited the bookshop toilet about a month ago. I remember how the Bananas, or rather, I, specifically, made a big fuss out of it simply because my wild imagination never releases it's vice-like grip on my poor, poor burdened mind.
*screeeeeech*
Vic: OMG! What's that sound!!!
Jo: Is it an insect?
Sis: What sound, what sound?
Nan: What? *wide-eyed innocent look*
*screeeech*
Vic: I'm scared leh! How ah?!
Nan: Aiyah, it's probably just a lizard in one of the cubicles.
Vic: Are you sure...doesn't sound like it.
Jo: I think it comes from the pipes.
*all enter cubicles*
Vic: Wah! What if it jumps out suddenly! I'll die! I'm scared leh. Shit!
Sis: *evidently frustrated* Aiyah just faster change into your PE attire and get out!
Jo: No lah, it's in the pipes, nothing one...
*screeeecch*
Vic: AHHHH! I think it's in my cubicle! I'm so scared, help!!
Nan: It's just a lizard!
Sis: Ya hor, how come it's getting louder?
Vic: Ya! And I think it's stuck in the cubicle with me!
*Sis and Vic dashes out*
Later, while formulating a hypothesis on the identity of the unknown species.
Vic: You know, yesterday I saw the cleaner opening the locked door behind the table where she usually sits. There's a really long passageway inside ! I think maybe there's a monster inside making all the weird noise!
Jo: Haha! Like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
Vic: Yeah! And maybe the cleaner is secretly breeding it!
Nan: *rolls eyes*
Sis: *doubles up in laughter, not because of my lame humour, but because she laughs at almost everything*
Today, thanks to Sum, I realised the sound was actually from an underwater rat! It lives in the toilet bowl and jumps out of it from time to time! It inhabits in the boys' toilet, but I guess the sewage system is all connected, so it (or they *shudders*) could swim freely from one toilet to the next. It's very fascinating isn't it, that rats can actually dive in sewage water, swim great distances, survive in toilet bowls, and leap with such great verocity. I mean, rats in toiletbowls-what kind of atrocity is that!
By hook or by crook, I'm gonna be an eye witness to the rat's jumping feats one of these days. The deviance from normal pest-behaviour really intrigues me....or maybe it's just the stress and sheer disappointment and the devastation I've been facing these days that makes everything amusing. Ah, lets not go there. PLEASE. Anyway, it's daily anecdotes like this that warm my heart when everything becomes murky and desolate, and bring happy tears to my eyes upon reminiscing.
So if one of these days, you see me lurking around the boys' toilet, you'll know it's for a worthy cause :)
I think, I've just solved the mystery of the horrible screeching noise that terrorised everyone who visited the bookshop toilet about a month ago. I remember how the Bananas, or rather, I, specifically, made a big fuss out of it simply because my wild imagination never releases it's vice-like grip on my poor, poor burdened mind.
*screeeeeech*
Vic: OMG! What's that sound!!!
Jo: Is it an insect?
Sis: What sound, what sound?
Nan: What? *wide-eyed innocent look*
*screeeech*
Vic: I'm scared leh! How ah?!
Nan: Aiyah, it's probably just a lizard in one of the cubicles.
Vic: Are you sure...doesn't sound like it.
Jo: I think it comes from the pipes.
*all enter cubicles*
Vic: Wah! What if it jumps out suddenly! I'll die! I'm scared leh. Shit!
Sis: *evidently frustrated* Aiyah just faster change into your PE attire and get out!
Jo: No lah, it's in the pipes, nothing one...
*screeeecch*
Vic: AHHHH! I think it's in my cubicle! I'm so scared, help!!
Nan: It's just a lizard!
Sis: Ya hor, how come it's getting louder?
Vic: Ya! And I think it's stuck in the cubicle with me!
*Sis and Vic dashes out*
Later, while formulating a hypothesis on the identity of the unknown species.
Vic: You know, yesterday I saw the cleaner opening the locked door behind the table where she usually sits. There's a really long passageway inside ! I think maybe there's a monster inside making all the weird noise!
Jo: Haha! Like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
Vic: Yeah! And maybe the cleaner is secretly breeding it!
Nan: *rolls eyes*
Sis: *doubles up in laughter, not because of my lame humour, but because she laughs at almost everything*
Today, thanks to Sum, I realised the sound was actually from an underwater rat! It lives in the toilet bowl and jumps out of it from time to time! It inhabits in the boys' toilet, but I guess the sewage system is all connected, so it (or they *shudders*) could swim freely from one toilet to the next. It's very fascinating isn't it, that rats can actually dive in sewage water, swim great distances, survive in toilet bowls, and leap with such great verocity. I mean, rats in toiletbowls-what kind of atrocity is that!
By hook or by crook, I'm gonna be an eye witness to the rat's jumping feats one of these days. The deviance from normal pest-behaviour really intrigues me....or maybe it's just the stress and sheer disappointment and the devastation I've been facing these days that makes everything amusing. Ah, lets not go there. PLEASE. Anyway, it's daily anecdotes like this that warm my heart when everything becomes murky and desolate, and bring happy tears to my eyes upon reminiscing.
So if one of these days, you see me lurking around the boys' toilet, you'll know it's for a worthy cause :)
dysphoria came at 4:39 PM
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God Only Knows
God knows when not getting an A equates to being a failure.
Yes, even Bs are deemd as good-for-nothing grades.
God knows when I started feeling like this, that I can never be happy again.
God knows when I start to leave examination halls amidst calls of, "Vic, are you okay?" and "Vic, don't frown so much!".
God knows when academia starts threatening my brilliant future.
God knows when I've become screwed, but am hoping against all odds, that I'm not.
God knows when not getting an A equates to being a failure.
Yes, even Bs are deemd as good-for-nothing grades.
God knows when I started feeling like this, that I can never be happy again.
God knows when I start to leave examination halls amidst calls of, "Vic, are you okay?" and "Vic, don't frown so much!".
God knows when academia starts threatening my brilliant future.
God knows when I've become screwed, but am hoping against all odds, that I'm not.
dysphoria came at 7:50 PM
|
K-boxing with the pals seems like decades ago. Playing Hide-and-Seek with the dearly-missed 52 seems like a lifetime ago. Feeling smart and contented with my intelligence seems foreign.
It'll be another century before I begin smiling again.
Now the scowling, swearing and scorning shall commence.
It'll be another century before I begin smiling again.
Now the scowling, swearing and scorning shall commence.
dysphoria came at 8:33 PM
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I'm ultra panicky.
*breathes deeply*
My eyes sting with inexplicable tears whenever I face my notes. My hands tremble like I've contracted cerebral palsy whenever I pick up my pencil. My mind turns cloudy the instant I try to picture the situation tomorrow.
What happened to the girl who spent 10 minutes glancing haughtily at every frantically scribbling student around her during every O level paper, because she had completed way before time-and was, admittedly, immature and over-confident? I'd really kill just to have a tiny bit of confidence back. I'd destroy the world to feel that snobbish again.
I just want everything to be like the O's you know...when I was the poster-child of serenity and coolness. The more you care about something, the more frightened you are of losing it.
I won't lose it. I will glue my sanity into my cranial cavity tonight. I'll severe every one of my shaky nerves so trembling fingers won't ail me tomorrow. Fuck, I'll dream of my O level days again, so I'll wake up feeling exactly like I'm sitting for the O's. This is desperation for you, people.
It's just a mundane repetition of all the national exams I've sat. This is a no bigger deal than the past ones, so if I could survive the previous two, this won't be such an obstacle.
I'm rambling. Sign of impending paranoia, so Ta!
*breathes deeply*
My eyes sting with inexplicable tears whenever I face my notes. My hands tremble like I've contracted cerebral palsy whenever I pick up my pencil. My mind turns cloudy the instant I try to picture the situation tomorrow.
What happened to the girl who spent 10 minutes glancing haughtily at every frantically scribbling student around her during every O level paper, because she had completed way before time-and was, admittedly, immature and over-confident? I'd really kill just to have a tiny bit of confidence back. I'd destroy the world to feel that snobbish again.
I just want everything to be like the O's you know...when I was the poster-child of serenity and coolness. The more you care about something, the more frightened you are of losing it.
I won't lose it. I will glue my sanity into my cranial cavity tonight. I'll severe every one of my shaky nerves so trembling fingers won't ail me tomorrow. Fuck, I'll dream of my O level days again, so I'll wake up feeling exactly like I'm sitting for the O's. This is desperation for you, people.
It's just a mundane repetition of all the national exams I've sat. This is a no bigger deal than the past ones, so if I could survive the previous two, this won't be such an obstacle.
I'm rambling. Sign of impending paranoia, so Ta!
dysphoria came at 3:24 PM
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This is like a gamble.
Except my future's at stake, and if I win, I get at least 6 more years of school.
Now tell me if there's any reason I should fight at all.
Goddammit. It's really really scary the daylights out of me ya know? To think I used to sit for the O's with just half of the syllabus scrambled in my messed up head, and still remained as calm and confident as someone who has mugged very intensively for, say, 3 months. I only had a night's worth of mugging for each paper!
And now I have to face THIS. The higher you go, the higher you fall. The higher you fall, the higher the chances of fatality. But lets think this way OKAY- the higher you are, the closer you are to catching your flitting dreams. Your dreams have never been closer.
VIC, JUST DO YOUR BEST. DON'T PANIC, AND YOU'LL BE GOOD. YOU'LL EMERGE FROM THIS UNSCATHED. OKAY? Can one.....don't be scared. This will be the last one already. Please Vic, be at your best. I love you.
Except my future's at stake, and if I win, I get at least 6 more years of school.
Now tell me if there's any reason I should fight at all.
Goddammit. It's really really scary the daylights out of me ya know? To think I used to sit for the O's with just half of the syllabus scrambled in my messed up head, and still remained as calm and confident as someone who has mugged very intensively for, say, 3 months. I only had a night's worth of mugging for each paper!
And now I have to face THIS. The higher you go, the higher you fall. The higher you fall, the higher the chances of fatality. But lets think this way OKAY- the higher you are, the closer you are to catching your flitting dreams. Your dreams have never been closer.
VIC, JUST DO YOUR BEST. DON'T PANIC, AND YOU'LL BE GOOD. YOU'LL EMERGE FROM THIS UNSCATHED. OKAY? Can one.....don't be scared. This will be the last one already. Please Vic, be at your best. I love you.
dysphoria came at 11:32 AM
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The Heart Is Greedy
I've caught Election and The Legend of Zoro this week.
I've watched Creep, Saw, A Police Story and re-watched Shutter at home all alone, because nobody else shares my love for gore and violence.
I've dined like, 5 times across the causeway already this week. They have really value-for-money, yet deliciously sinful food that makes you crave for more! I'm never decadent when it comes to food, because *hem hem*, it's my lifelong dream to be reed-thin...but 30SGD++ for buffett dinner at Hyatt's? Yes I can hear you applauding in joy now. It's frickin cheap eh!
I've bought a really retro, really flattering high-waisted sun-dress just because I havent been spending on anything more than a 100 bucks lately..and the fingers are just plain itchy to feel good fabric between them. I have no use for that dress, because it's too funky for formal occasions, and too formal for day-shopping. But it really felt good then, parting with the cobwebbed moolah and clutching onto something the heart lusts in return.
It's apt to assume that I'm having the time of my life now.
Now I'm eyeing this flowery mini-dress at Mango that has fabulous cutting. It makes even the elephantine I look anorexic! Imagine how flattering it must be! I wanna watch Saw2! I wanna shop for the perfect prom dress! I wanna search for the best hairstylist in town! I wanna binge till my seams burst, because my appetite has plunged so drastically, I hately taste anything in my mouth anymore. I wanna buy tens of Junk Food tees, especially their Beatles ones! I wanna go on online shopping sprees! I wanna build up my collection of pumps/ballerina flats and cool shoulder bags! I wanna learn how to sashy in 3 inchers! I wanna curl like hair so it's even more lustrous than Beyonce's in those Loreal hairstyling products ads! I wanna get a sexy tan! I wanna club and hit on cute guys (any maybe be hit on..I don't mind it either way)! I wanna proceed on my BIG PLAN with the Darling!
Damn this thing called A's. Really. I have ZERO confidence for it at all...I'll do my best of course, but the rest is in the hands of the Supreme Being above.
Ah, eff everything! I've had a hundered panic attacks just from thinking what will become of me next week.....I think I'm really screwed this time, but I don't wanna think this way because I can't afford to be screwed. I won't okay? I'll be well and good.
Vic, you can. Just think of all the happy, happy things that await you!
I've caught Election and The Legend of Zoro this week.
I've watched Creep, Saw, A Police Story and re-watched Shutter at home all alone, because nobody else shares my love for gore and violence.
I've dined like, 5 times across the causeway already this week. They have really value-for-money, yet deliciously sinful food that makes you crave for more! I'm never decadent when it comes to food, because *hem hem*, it's my lifelong dream to be reed-thin...but 30SGD++ for buffett dinner at Hyatt's? Yes I can hear you applauding in joy now. It's frickin cheap eh!
I've bought a really retro, really flattering high-waisted sun-dress just because I havent been spending on anything more than a 100 bucks lately..and the fingers are just plain itchy to feel good fabric between them. I have no use for that dress, because it's too funky for formal occasions, and too formal for day-shopping. But it really felt good then, parting with the cobwebbed moolah and clutching onto something the heart lusts in return.
It's apt to assume that I'm having the time of my life now.
Now I'm eyeing this flowery mini-dress at Mango that has fabulous cutting. It makes even the elephantine I look anorexic! Imagine how flattering it must be! I wanna watch Saw2! I wanna shop for the perfect prom dress! I wanna search for the best hairstylist in town! I wanna binge till my seams burst, because my appetite has plunged so drastically, I hately taste anything in my mouth anymore. I wanna buy tens of Junk Food tees, especially their Beatles ones! I wanna go on online shopping sprees! I wanna build up my collection of pumps/ballerina flats and cool shoulder bags! I wanna learn how to sashy in 3 inchers! I wanna curl like hair so it's even more lustrous than Beyonce's in those Loreal hairstyling products ads! I wanna get a sexy tan! I wanna club and hit on cute guys (any maybe be hit on..I don't mind it either way)! I wanna proceed on my BIG PLAN with the Darling!
Damn this thing called A's. Really. I have ZERO confidence for it at all...I'll do my best of course, but the rest is in the hands of the Supreme Being above.
Ah, eff everything! I've had a hundered panic attacks just from thinking what will become of me next week.....I think I'm really screwed this time, but I don't wanna think this way because I can't afford to be screwed. I won't okay? I'll be well and good.
Vic, you can. Just think of all the happy, happy things that await you!
dysphoria came at 10:18 PM
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Yet Another One
Yesterday I dreamt that it was she who called out to you, who beckoned you, who caught your attention. Being ever-so-PAINFULLY-shy, I stood at a polite distance away, taking great caution to avert my gaze from yours.
And then you grinned. You save your grins for special occasions, and even more special people. That much I know of you. It was a somewhat awkward, somewhat shy, somewhat heartwarming smile-one that I recognise immediately as the expression you save for me only.
Emboldened by the flash of teeth, I walked towards you. As always, I couldn't even string a proper sentence together in your presence. There was small talk, more flash of teeth, and the usual shy giggles. And then I asked you what were the books you had in your hand.
History, Philosophy and Romance.
Is that what I perceive your interests to be? Are my very own interests warping my own perceptions of you, exalting you to the pedestals of Very Nice Guys-of which only a select few have graced? Are you really who I think you are?
Then you handed me the Romance book. I browsed through it as flippantly as I could, trying hard to hide the trembling fingers from you. "You like picture books right? This is a French romance...should be quite nice, lah". I took it over, smiling vaguely-but actually imploding in a confetti of euphoria.
We continued on our separate ways. Two souls with an inexplicable connection, but just don't know what to make of it.
Yesterday I dreamt that it was she who called out to you, who beckoned you, who caught your attention. Being ever-so-PAINFULLY-shy, I stood at a polite distance away, taking great caution to avert my gaze from yours.
And then you grinned. You save your grins for special occasions, and even more special people. That much I know of you. It was a somewhat awkward, somewhat shy, somewhat heartwarming smile-one that I recognise immediately as the expression you save for me only.
Emboldened by the flash of teeth, I walked towards you. As always, I couldn't even string a proper sentence together in your presence. There was small talk, more flash of teeth, and the usual shy giggles. And then I asked you what were the books you had in your hand.
History, Philosophy and Romance.
Is that what I perceive your interests to be? Are my very own interests warping my own perceptions of you, exalting you to the pedestals of Very Nice Guys-of which only a select few have graced? Are you really who I think you are?
Then you handed me the Romance book. I browsed through it as flippantly as I could, trying hard to hide the trembling fingers from you. "You like picture books right? This is a French romance...should be quite nice, lah". I took it over, smiling vaguely-but actually imploding in a confetti of euphoria.
We continued on our separate ways. Two souls with an inexplicable connection, but just don't know what to make of it.
dysphoria came at 11:27 AM
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Please Tell Me What Is This????
I swore by soft and alternative English rock, but you got me hooked on Chinese pop. Now even my taste in music is resigned to mediocrity.
I'm profoundly in love with New York, but I keep dreaming of traversing that sacred grounds with you. We could spend weeks there, thousands of miles away from my beloved NYC, surrounded by poverty and sufferings, but I'll still be the happiest girl on earth.
I pride myself on my individuality and quirkiness, but I find myself conforming to YOU. I'm afraid, you exert so much influence on me, I'm beginning to think like you now.
I like tanned, hunky, gregarious, outgoing and cheerful boys, not someone 18 going on 50. But the undeniable connection-oh, how it troubles me!
I'm never bashful and self-conscious in front of guys (except for major crushes of course), because like Rose says, I never had much respect for the other sex. But you! Oh you! I had to phrase every sentence in my mind twice before running them through you. I had to check my reflections before meeting you. I had to watch my behaviour before you, my expressions, my posture....I'm very determined to lose weight for a guy!! Gaining self-confidence by being reed-thin is no longer a priority, impressing you is.
I still imagine myself with him-because he was all I ever wanted. But then, where do you come in? (Why does this thought even bother me?!)
Worst of all, I'm afraid of wanting him..really really afraid. Because I don't want to hurt you, and deep down, I can't help feeling that if you're upset, I'll be devastated too.
I swore by soft and alternative English rock, but you got me hooked on Chinese pop. Now even my taste in music is resigned to mediocrity.
I'm profoundly in love with New York, but I keep dreaming of traversing that sacred grounds with you. We could spend weeks there, thousands of miles away from my beloved NYC, surrounded by poverty and sufferings, but I'll still be the happiest girl on earth.
I pride myself on my individuality and quirkiness, but I find myself conforming to YOU. I'm afraid, you exert so much influence on me, I'm beginning to think like you now.
I like tanned, hunky, gregarious, outgoing and cheerful boys, not someone 18 going on 50. But the undeniable connection-oh, how it troubles me!
I'm never bashful and self-conscious in front of guys (except for major crushes of course), because like Rose says, I never had much respect for the other sex. But you! Oh you! I had to phrase every sentence in my mind twice before running them through you. I had to check my reflections before meeting you. I had to watch my behaviour before you, my expressions, my posture....I'm very determined to lose weight for a guy!! Gaining self-confidence by being reed-thin is no longer a priority, impressing you is.
I still imagine myself with him-because he was all I ever wanted. But then, where do you come in? (Why does this thought even bother me?!)
Worst of all, I'm afraid of wanting him..really really afraid. Because I don't want to hurt you, and deep down, I can't help feeling that if you're upset, I'll be devastated too.
dysphoria came at 9:56 PM
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