Juvenile Delinquents- And Proud of It (:
We probably broke a thousand school rules to be able to park our lazy bums this comfortably at home, at this ungodly hour.
But as it buys temporal liberty, temporal bliss, I'd gladly commit such sins a million more times if necessary. Heh.
To think that after getting caught while comitting the first crime, we would have been scared to trembling wrecks! But we didn't succumb to fear! It did take a lot out of me to steel myself and fight for my rights in front of these "advocates of discipline". I'd say the 3 of us escaped without a hitch, thanks to luck, and well..only luck :)
And so the second, bigger crime was comitted right after the first. There was no guilt, no regret, no shame. Sis was worried because school has reduced us to deliquents. But I told her, we're doing this by choice. Our choice is extremely justified, so it is redundant to worry incessantly.
What a day, really! I guess the fact that I'm blogging about this implies the events that occured has a significant impact on me, and so I haven't totally given up on this hell of a school. It's just-everything's been a bit overwhelming lately, and I need some peace of mind to sort the problems out. And nothing beats returning home early in lifting my downcast spirits :))
We probably broke a thousand school rules to be able to park our lazy bums this comfortably at home, at this ungodly hour.
But as it buys temporal liberty, temporal bliss, I'd gladly commit such sins a million more times if necessary. Heh.
To think that after getting caught while comitting the first crime, we would have been scared to trembling wrecks! But we didn't succumb to fear! It did take a lot out of me to steel myself and fight for my rights in front of these "advocates of discipline". I'd say the 3 of us escaped without a hitch, thanks to luck, and well..only luck :)
And so the second, bigger crime was comitted right after the first. There was no guilt, no regret, no shame. Sis was worried because school has reduced us to deliquents. But I told her, we're doing this by choice. Our choice is extremely justified, so it is redundant to worry incessantly.
What a day, really! I guess the fact that I'm blogging about this implies the events that occured has a significant impact on me, and so I haven't totally given up on this hell of a school. It's just-everything's been a bit overwhelming lately, and I need some peace of mind to sort the problems out. And nothing beats returning home early in lifting my downcast spirits :))
dysphoria came at 11:45 AM
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The Divine Friendship of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood :)
I marvel at how we find humour in unpleasantries.
It warms my heart how we draw support and encouragement from each other, how we help each other gain maturity when adolescence is so cruelly shortened, how we create laughter (even if it's the expense of ourselves) in the most bleak of times.
We're the invincible duo.
I'm so glad to have you, Sis!
I guess this is my personalised reply to your very moving entry, and well, a little encouragement for the little turbulence we've been experiencing in school.
"What doesn't break us, makes us stronger". We'll remember this okay? We'll be fine as we are :)
I marvel at how we find humour in unpleasantries.
It warms my heart how we draw support and encouragement from each other, how we help each other gain maturity when adolescence is so cruelly shortened, how we create laughter (even if it's the expense of ourselves) in the most bleak of times.
We're the invincible duo.
I'm so glad to have you, Sis!
I guess this is my personalised reply to your very moving entry, and well, a little encouragement for the little turbulence we've been experiencing in school.
"What doesn't break us, makes us stronger". We'll remember this okay? We'll be fine as we are :)
dysphoria came at 2:58 PM
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My prom table's arrangement is finally settled. So there, one less worry for me.
I'll just pretend and try my best to be hyped up about prom now, alongside all the genuinely enthusiastic peeps.
You'll understand, won't you? That prom is where I'll finally come to a closure that the one year we had will never be repeated again. That I really love him, but he won't ever come back into my life.
So I guess I would be feeling very wistful and melancholic then. Not because I'll miss the fond memories of school (there isn't any really, to be frank), but because I'll be leaving the only place where I had memories of him.
He just simply won't return anymore. I wonder how and when will I ever come to terms with that...
I'll just pretend and try my best to be hyped up about prom now, alongside all the genuinely enthusiastic peeps.
You'll understand, won't you? That prom is where I'll finally come to a closure that the one year we had will never be repeated again. That I really love him, but he won't ever come back into my life.
So I guess I would be feeling very wistful and melancholic then. Not because I'll miss the fond memories of school (there isn't any really, to be frank), but because I'll be leaving the only place where I had memories of him.
He just simply won't return anymore. I wonder how and when will I ever come to terms with that...
dysphoria came at 10:24 PM
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What's Haunting, Yet Symbolic.
While walking past the corridor on the way home today,
Vee: *sharp intake of breath, and gasps very loudly*
Sis: What???
Vee: OH MY GOD! It's so so so symbolic!!!!
Sis: What are you talking about?
Vee: Ahhhhh! *clamps hand to mouth*
Sis: Har?
Vee: The maths statistics test!!
Sis: Ya......so?
Vee: The total marks...out of 70...my marks....
(becomes hopelessly incoherent)
Sis: Oh.
Vee: Ya!!!!! It's so symbolic right?
Sis: Sigh. Forget him already lah.
He has become a topic of mutual understanding between me and my friends. Everyone knows, everyone tries to give me leeway in my own self-constructed shell of self-mutilation and pain. I really appreciate them for that, you know, being there only when I need them, and clearing off when they know how fiercely I guard my own private life. Such wonderful friends...sigh.
During VP's talk in LT5,
Vee: Ah, who cares about this school?
Sis nods head in agreement.
Vee: What survey on school experience? No need to do also know already. It's a total nightmare for me.
Sis nods feverishly again.
Vee: You know, the only thing I'll ever love and miss about this school is 52. The rest is like shit.
Nan: Oh!!!! So you don't like us lah? So we're like shit lah?
Vee: Hahahahah! No!! You know what I mean! I'll still get to see you guys after NJ. But the 52 is the only thing left behind from my NJ years that I'll love.
Maybe I can't say it was love all along, but I've never been more certain that he really means a lot to me. More than even NYC, of which I've been dreaming about since my primary school days.
Missing someone, the love of your life, is the most heart-wrenching pain on earth.
While walking past the corridor on the way home today,
Vee: *sharp intake of breath, and gasps very loudly*
Sis: What???
Vee: OH MY GOD! It's so so so symbolic!!!!
Sis: What are you talking about?
Vee: Ahhhhh! *clamps hand to mouth*
Sis: Har?
Vee: The maths statistics test!!
Sis: Ya......so?
Vee: The total marks...out of 70...my marks....
(becomes hopelessly incoherent)
Sis: Oh.
Vee: Ya!!!!! It's so symbolic right?
Sis: Sigh. Forget him already lah.
He has become a topic of mutual understanding between me and my friends. Everyone knows, everyone tries to give me leeway in my own self-constructed shell of self-mutilation and pain. I really appreciate them for that, you know, being there only when I need them, and clearing off when they know how fiercely I guard my own private life. Such wonderful friends...sigh.
During VP's talk in LT5,
Vee: Ah, who cares about this school?
Sis nods head in agreement.
Vee: What survey on school experience? No need to do also know already. It's a total nightmare for me.
Sis nods feverishly again.
Vee: You know, the only thing I'll ever love and miss about this school is 52. The rest is like shit.
Nan: Oh!!!! So you don't like us lah? So we're like shit lah?
Vee: Hahahahah! No!! You know what I mean! I'll still get to see you guys after NJ. But the 52 is the only thing left behind from my NJ years that I'll love.
Maybe I can't say it was love all along, but I've never been more certain that he really means a lot to me. More than even NYC, of which I've been dreaming about since my primary school days.
Missing someone, the love of your life, is the most heart-wrenching pain on earth.
dysphoria came at 10:07 PM
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I hate him.
I don't think foul creatures like him have the right to label me as "weird", being the most eccentric freak-show to grace this world himself.
One day, I'm going to blow my top off if his disgusting antics continue to agitate me on a frequent basis. I was okay with being the most superficial acquaintances, until he begins inching into my life for his own selfish purposes. What a self-centred, cunning schemer!!
Come talk to me. I beseech you- only for a chance to give you the huge dressing down you've been asking for since you began your wildly ambitious plans to bring everyone down.
Burn, jerk. Burn!
I don't think foul creatures like him have the right to label me as "weird", being the most eccentric freak-show to grace this world himself.
One day, I'm going to blow my top off if his disgusting antics continue to agitate me on a frequent basis. I was okay with being the most superficial acquaintances, until he begins inching into my life for his own selfish purposes. What a self-centred, cunning schemer!!
Come talk to me. I beseech you- only for a chance to give you the huge dressing down you've been asking for since you began your wildly ambitious plans to bring everyone down.
Burn, jerk. Burn!
dysphoria came at 8:21 PM
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Baby, Your Eyes Could Sear Through My Tender Heart.
I have been out of sorts ever since reading about Boone's death in someone's blog.
Damn! It really doesnt pay pry into other's private affairs yeah? You'll discover the darkest secrets, the most shocking revellations, of which responsibilities attached are so heavy to bear, you'd wish you didn't read that entry in the first place.
Well for the uninitiated, Boone's the hottest character import from the wonderful US of A ever since Seth Cohen :)
I have been out of sorts ever since reading about Boone's death in someone's blog.
Damn! It really doesnt pay pry into other's private affairs yeah? You'll discover the darkest secrets, the most shocking revellations, of which responsibilities attached are so heavy to bear, you'd wish you didn't read that entry in the first place.
Well for the uninitiated, Boone's the hottest character import from the wonderful US of A ever since Seth Cohen :)
Remember him now? He's the cutest, most attractive, most likable character from the most hyped about series, Lost! Sizzling HAWT eh? Gimme him over Mr-I-Have-A-Fetish-For-Women-Twice-My-Age-Kutcher anytime man! Oh, you gotta see those eyes of his!
There. 
The intensity of his gaze!! Those long, dark brows that frame his impossibly deep eyes! Oh god, he's Cyclops with impeccable dress sense and perfect features. Those eyes that could burn a hole through my heart, and I'll still be the happiest girl on earth...ah, I'm clearly very infatuated.
He's the perfect brown-haired hottie I always wished for to whisk me off to NYC. Heh heh heh.
But they had to go and kill him off. And thus killing off the source of my happiest fantasies as well. I was so infuriated and rudely stunned, I resorted to reading the episode guide for the entire series for 2 effing hours. Oh poor, poor him. My heart was sank like an anvil, and my eyes teared so badly, I think a few fat, disobedient (like the lard on my body. heh.) drops rolled down.
You see, the only fact I'm thankful for is that Lost is terrible at character portrayals. The plot unravels too fast to keep up with the development of the characters, so more than often, viewers are left to formulate their own impressions of them. There's no poignant dialogues, no meaningful gazes, no contemplative silence-nothing of that sort between characters. The frequent flashbacks experienced by the main characters are helpful sources of their life-stories no doubt, but they're only distracting because all you want is to keep up with the mind-blowing action and get your burning questions answered, thus your attention's pretty much too preoccupied to accomodate more. You won't develop attachments (and affections, for some)to the characters as much as you would to in other series.
But still! Boone's my fave character EVAR!
I don't think I can bear watching the series anymore, knowing I'll be counting down the episodes left till his tragic, and very painful demise. If a silly episode guide could get my waterworks hyperactive, imagine what happens if I actually witness it! I feel so at lost now (pun unintended!). I'd rather be taken by surprise by his death upon watching the show, than having to read about it in shock and to anticipate it with dread. Such a horrible anti-climax!
Come Thursday, we'll see if I'll succumb to his allure, and embark on a tremulous journey on telly which culminates into the most wrenching heartbreak :(
Why oh why does everything I love has to be so tragic?
dysphoria came at 11:39 PM
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Excuse me, Do You Speak English??
After staring at the screen for over an hour, all I thought was that man is in dire need of an image consultant. His speech, his dress sense, his pronunciation-argh! Utter disgrace!
Mum: Aiyoh! Why watch TV also so stressed?
Vee: No lah! Do I look stressed?
Mum: Then why are you frowning and looking so serious?
Hahahahaha! That was how hard I had to strain to get what he means.
And it's not like I wanted to listen to the warbled gunk he's spewing. It's no use channel-surfing because whatever you flick to, a big-headed yak remained firmly planted on the screen, force-feeding innocent viewers, with pointless "insights". *cough, cough* I'm so unjustly robbed of my wholesome, weekend entertainment!!
I don't feel anymore pride for this Hell even after enduring arduous hours of sheer terror.
Do you?
After staring at the screen for over an hour, all I thought was that man is in dire need of an image consultant. His speech, his dress sense, his pronunciation-argh! Utter disgrace!
Mum: Aiyoh! Why watch TV also so stressed?
Vee: No lah! Do I look stressed?
Mum: Then why are you frowning and looking so serious?
Hahahahaha! That was how hard I had to strain to get what he means.
And it's not like I wanted to listen to the warbled gunk he's spewing. It's no use channel-surfing because whatever you flick to, a big-headed yak remained firmly planted on the screen, force-feeding innocent viewers, with pointless "insights". *cough, cough* I'm so unjustly robbed of my wholesome, weekend entertainment!!
I don't feel anymore pride for this Hell even after enduring arduous hours of sheer terror.
Do you?
dysphoria came at 9:07 PM
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Today I met the hottest Dad in the whole world.
I swear I would have walked over to strike a convo if not for his child.
And his wife.
Blah.
He was Japanese, and looks a little like dear Yong Fook. He had chiselled features and curly hair.
Curly hair!! Oh I have such great weakness for guys with endearing cockscrews on their head. Few can carry that off, and those who could, are the ones I love.
Think Adam Brody.
Think 52.
Sigh. The reason why I ain't blogging too normally is because I can never think straight when he comes to mind. Him, the proud model of the hottest mop of curls in NJ.
I swear I would have walked over to strike a convo if not for his child.
And his wife.
Blah.
He was Japanese, and looks a little like dear Yong Fook. He had chiselled features and curly hair.
Curly hair!! Oh I have such great weakness for guys with endearing cockscrews on their head. Few can carry that off, and those who could, are the ones I love.
Think Adam Brody.
Think 52.
Sigh. The reason why I ain't blogging too normally is because I can never think straight when he comes to mind. Him, the proud model of the hottest mop of curls in NJ.
dysphoria came at 9:30 PM
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If.
Godammit. I'd die to live a life like Marissa Cooper's (oh the irony!).
Well to be fair, there are similarities between us, except those aren't really what you'll wish for. For instance, we're born into very unfortunately dysfuntional families. And being the only daughters, all the burden, the expectations, the responsiblities lie on our delicate shoulders. It's a very miserable life really. And then there's the constant (hopefully not life-long) battles with depression since we celebrated our 16th birthdays. This may or may not be linked to the broken families, but I'm betting it's one of the main causes for our love of misery. Hoho. I love her moroseness, her bitter tears, because I could see myself in her then. All alone within the walls of self-defence she has built, with only sweet old resignation and world-wreariness as company. All this when we're just 18. Oh, there's the almost dogged devotion to the love of our lives. Though I wouldnt agree with her choice of man (Ryan would be better suited as a construction worker, if you ask me. Not that he wasnt one before. Heh.), her quiet wait for Ryan was very moving.
I remember Summer asking her during one of their girly chats, "So are you really over Ryan?", and she replied, "He's the only guy I'll ever love. I've been thinking of him every single day since we've been apart."
So tell me if you see me in Marissa. So fragile, so sad, so lonely...
You see, she is suffering from what ails me. If I could be her, my life wouldn't be any worse because she has STILL possess so much more than me. The palace that she lives in? Oh my god! I could move my entire class in there and we wouldn't ever cross into each other's private space. That's how colossal it is! And all the Chanel, Dior and Marc Jacobs stuff she dons herself in? That combined with her reed-thin, sun-kissed beauty, makes her the Princess of Newport. Honestly, she (or Mischa Barton in real life) is the most beautiful woman I'll ever admit having laid my eyes on.
Godammit. I'd die to live a life like Marissa Cooper's (oh the irony!).
Well to be fair, there are similarities between us, except those aren't really what you'll wish for. For instance, we're born into very unfortunately dysfuntional families. And being the only daughters, all the burden, the expectations, the responsiblities lie on our delicate shoulders. It's a very miserable life really. And then there's the constant (hopefully not life-long) battles with depression since we celebrated our 16th birthdays. This may or may not be linked to the broken families, but I'm betting it's one of the main causes for our love of misery. Hoho. I love her moroseness, her bitter tears, because I could see myself in her then. All alone within the walls of self-defence she has built, with only sweet old resignation and world-wreariness as company. All this when we're just 18. Oh, there's the almost dogged devotion to the love of our lives. Though I wouldnt agree with her choice of man (Ryan would be better suited as a construction worker, if you ask me. Not that he wasnt one before. Heh.), her quiet wait for Ryan was very moving.
I remember Summer asking her during one of their girly chats, "So are you really over Ryan?", and she replied, "He's the only guy I'll ever love. I've been thinking of him every single day since we've been apart."
So tell me if you see me in Marissa. So fragile, so sad, so lonely...
You see, she is suffering from what ails me. If I could be her, my life wouldn't be any worse because she has STILL possess so much more than me. The palace that she lives in? Oh my god! I could move my entire class in there and we wouldn't ever cross into each other's private space. That's how colossal it is! And all the Chanel, Dior and Marc Jacobs stuff she dons herself in? That combined with her reed-thin, sun-kissed beauty, makes her the Princess of Newport. Honestly, she (or Mischa Barton in real life) is the most beautiful woman I'll ever admit having laid my eyes on.
Truly, positively ravishing.
Okay, but those are superficial wants I have. I'm just really awe-struck by the huge party she threw for Ryan's brother in tonight's episode. The throngs of crowd! The sheer magnitude of fun!
Ah, but all that hard-partying, reckless alcohol-downing and destructive shopping sprees wont do nothing to resuscitate our dying hearts if not for good friends. She has my darling Seth and Summer, while I have Jokers, Fi, the Madmen (wink, wink),Bananas and so many other sweet, sweet people :)
I guess the camaraderie between the beautiful, young characters is what keeps The OC alive among us fans huh? Just as what friendship keeps us all going, when the going gets tough.
(Hmm, maybe I only said that because it seems frivolous to admit watching OC for the beautiful and dysfuntional people. Voyeurism in the guise of entertainment is pure pleasure, without the guilt. Hah.)
dysphoria came at 12:13 AM
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Funny Convos : Part III
Vee: Do eyeballs bleed?
Nan: Yaaa..Of course! Why?
Vee: *giggles uncontrollably*
(10 minutes into her laughter) Vee: I have a gash on my eyeball.
Nan: Where? Let me see!
(Both struggle to spot the miniscule gash with big actions and endless giggles while Mr Goh rattled away)
Nan: It's a small tear only lah. And pupils don't bleed.
Vee: But it was so painful last night you know! I nearly died...
Vee: Wouldn't it be so cool if my eye bled?
Nan: Yeah. Go get yourself involved in an accident, and your eyeball smashed.
Vee: No, I mean being able to cry blood. Wow!!
Nan: You're weird.
Fi: Ok, so I'll join your table for prom ah!
Vee: But you'll be the only guy in our table!! 9 girls leh!
Fi: Aiyah, my friends' tables are all filled, so I'll join you all lor.
Vee: Ok lor, if you don't mind.
Fi: Can lah.
Vee: Then to repay you for your kindness, I'll get all my friends to vote you as Prom King!
Fi: No! No!!! Noooo!! Don't do silly things ah!
Vee: Wah, I don't like wearing spectacles! It's so uncomfortable!
Hanni: It's ok if you're used to it.
Vee: Don't you find that your vision is limited with specs? I mean you cant look sideways because the lenses can't cover that area.
Hanni: Oh!! So you like peeping at people through the corners of your eyes lah?
*Both begin bending over with laughter*
(while at the library, looking out through the glass window)
Vee: Where's Clare? Absent again ah?
Eunice: Ya lor, her "off" day.
Karen: Is that her walking through the maingate?
Vee: Ya!! Hahahahaha!
Jasmine: Call her and tell her we're watching her every movement now.
Vee: Why the thick-lipped cleaner has a new house built for him ah?
Karen: Dunno...
Vee: You see, Clare's writing down her name for him!
Jas: I thought no need to write name one?
Eu: Aiyah, Clare very stupid leh. Look at others! They can just walk through the gate without being stopped!
Karen: Then why Clare...
Jas: I think she approached the thick-lips guy herself.
Eu: And she's wearing her sexy split-skirt again.
(All guffaw with laughter)
I think the magic's lost when such hilarious moments are recorded down in virtual ink, but memories like these always make me smile to myself on long arduous journeys home :)
Vee: Do eyeballs bleed?
Nan: Yaaa..Of course! Why?
Vee: *giggles uncontrollably*
(10 minutes into her laughter) Vee: I have a gash on my eyeball.
Nan: Where? Let me see!
(Both struggle to spot the miniscule gash with big actions and endless giggles while Mr Goh rattled away)
Nan: It's a small tear only lah. And pupils don't bleed.
Vee: But it was so painful last night you know! I nearly died...
Vee: Wouldn't it be so cool if my eye bled?
Nan: Yeah. Go get yourself involved in an accident, and your eyeball smashed.
Vee: No, I mean being able to cry blood. Wow!!
Nan: You're weird.
Fi: Ok, so I'll join your table for prom ah!
Vee: But you'll be the only guy in our table!! 9 girls leh!
Fi: Aiyah, my friends' tables are all filled, so I'll join you all lor.
Vee: Ok lor, if you don't mind.
Fi: Can lah.
Vee: Then to repay you for your kindness, I'll get all my friends to vote you as Prom King!
Fi: No! No!!! Noooo!! Don't do silly things ah!
Vee: Wah, I don't like wearing spectacles! It's so uncomfortable!
Hanni: It's ok if you're used to it.
Vee: Don't you find that your vision is limited with specs? I mean you cant look sideways because the lenses can't cover that area.
Hanni: Oh!! So you like peeping at people through the corners of your eyes lah?
*Both begin bending over with laughter*
(while at the library, looking out through the glass window)
Vee: Where's Clare? Absent again ah?
Eunice: Ya lor, her "off" day.
Karen: Is that her walking through the maingate?
Vee: Ya!! Hahahahaha!
Jasmine: Call her and tell her we're watching her every movement now.
Vee: Why the thick-lipped cleaner has a new house built for him ah?
Karen: Dunno...
Vee: You see, Clare's writing down her name for him!
Jas: I thought no need to write name one?
Eu: Aiyah, Clare very stupid leh. Look at others! They can just walk through the gate without being stopped!
Karen: Then why Clare...
Jas: I think she approached the thick-lips guy herself.
Eu: And she's wearing her sexy split-skirt again.
(All guffaw with laughter)
I think the magic's lost when such hilarious moments are recorded down in virtual ink, but memories like these always make me smile to myself on long arduous journeys home :)
dysphoria came at 4:20 PM
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A Very Bad Day: Vic's Style.
Today, I behaved like a total klutz in front of Daffy. We've been inevitably crossing each other's paths of late, not that I wished for it of course. So after my 2.4km "voluntary" run (in a desperate bid to burn off stubborn calories), Sharon and I went to the Drinks stall. I noticed Daffy beside me, and tried not to exhibit my unease. Ugh. Seeing him is a bad enough an omen already. When Sharon told me to pass her a honeydew from the freezer, my hand slipped, and off it went flying right into the filthy pail of the Chinese Rice stall right beside. It landed with a very ungainly "Tongggggg" which attracted the attention of those in proximity. Of course, Daffy had to be beside said pail at the right moment. Extremely flustered, I bent down to pick it up, only to hear a very evil "Hahahaha!" coming from right behind me!
#Q%#$%@! That was from a very ruthless, inconsiderate moron in Lignum tee. I didn't know jerks like that exist in NJ. It was my most humiliating moment in school!! Being laughed at when I'm always the one poking fun at people! Oh don't you tell me this is my karma, because guys in my opinion, should be chivalrous and gallant no? Not unfeeling and thick.
From now on, I'll never want to walk past Daffy again. But it's always hard to avoid people like that, because right after lunch, when I swore we'll never ever meet again, he brushed across me as he was entering the classroom for GP. I was yelling very loudly for Xiu, and when I turned back, he was so close behind, I nearly fell into him. :((((
Some guys are just born to embarass me to no end.
And then there's the problem with my lenses. One end of it cracked I guess. Ah, it hurt so much, I couldn't stop tearing for 2 hours straight. My eyes were bloodshot-so scary, I didn't dare to meet anyone's eyes for fear of passing the Painful Eyes Syndrome to them, Then out of exasperation, I took both of them off, and spent the rest of the day in school squinting like a nerd without her spectacles. It's a nice experience though, because everything became softened with muted tones, and all movements were a blur of colours. I like that! :)
Everyone's so anxious about the Prom sitting arrangements, I can't help but be swept up with the whirlwind of frantic plannings and endless phonecalls. It's particularly hard for us, because the Bananas are now split, and our table still lacks a few people to meet the "10 peeps per table" requirement. Oh, the last-minute cancellations and confirmations were so frustrating, I almost decided not to attend the Prom at all. That's not including all the guilt I felt for not choosing to sit with my classmates. I DO LOVE THEM. I really do. They're such wonderful friends, but I did give my word to the NanHua gang earlier, and a promise is a promise.
Bad day really.
But you know, Fi just salvaged it by calling me :) Out of all the people he could have called, he chose me! That means I am someone to him, right? Right?? It'll be perfect if he could be with us at Prom, as he promised..then maybe the tragic closure I expect wouldnt be that devastating after all. Because the bestest friendship in the world is blessed with the magic to heal the most obstinate heartache :)
Just let that silly boy keep his word. Please.
Today, I behaved like a total klutz in front of Daffy. We've been inevitably crossing each other's paths of late, not that I wished for it of course. So after my 2.4km "voluntary" run (in a desperate bid to burn off stubborn calories), Sharon and I went to the Drinks stall. I noticed Daffy beside me, and tried not to exhibit my unease. Ugh. Seeing him is a bad enough an omen already. When Sharon told me to pass her a honeydew from the freezer, my hand slipped, and off it went flying right into the filthy pail of the Chinese Rice stall right beside. It landed with a very ungainly "Tongggggg" which attracted the attention of those in proximity. Of course, Daffy had to be beside said pail at the right moment. Extremely flustered, I bent down to pick it up, only to hear a very evil "Hahahaha!" coming from right behind me!
#Q%#$%@! That was from a very ruthless, inconsiderate moron in Lignum tee. I didn't know jerks like that exist in NJ. It was my most humiliating moment in school!! Being laughed at when I'm always the one poking fun at people! Oh don't you tell me this is my karma, because guys in my opinion, should be chivalrous and gallant no? Not unfeeling and thick.
From now on, I'll never want to walk past Daffy again. But it's always hard to avoid people like that, because right after lunch, when I swore we'll never ever meet again, he brushed across me as he was entering the classroom for GP. I was yelling very loudly for Xiu, and when I turned back, he was so close behind, I nearly fell into him. :((((
Some guys are just born to embarass me to no end.
And then there's the problem with my lenses. One end of it cracked I guess. Ah, it hurt so much, I couldn't stop tearing for 2 hours straight. My eyes were bloodshot-so scary, I didn't dare to meet anyone's eyes for fear of passing the Painful Eyes Syndrome to them, Then out of exasperation, I took both of them off, and spent the rest of the day in school squinting like a nerd without her spectacles. It's a nice experience though, because everything became softened with muted tones, and all movements were a blur of colours. I like that! :)
Everyone's so anxious about the Prom sitting arrangements, I can't help but be swept up with the whirlwind of frantic plannings and endless phonecalls. It's particularly hard for us, because the Bananas are now split, and our table still lacks a few people to meet the "10 peeps per table" requirement. Oh, the last-minute cancellations and confirmations were so frustrating, I almost decided not to attend the Prom at all. That's not including all the guilt I felt for not choosing to sit with my classmates. I DO LOVE THEM. I really do. They're such wonderful friends, but I did give my word to the NanHua gang earlier, and a promise is a promise.
Bad day really.
But you know, Fi just salvaged it by calling me :) Out of all the people he could have called, he chose me! That means I am someone to him, right? Right?? It'll be perfect if he could be with us at Prom, as he promised..then maybe the tragic closure I expect wouldnt be that devastating after all. Because the bestest friendship in the world is blessed with the magic to heal the most obstinate heartache :)
Just let that silly boy keep his word. Please.
dysphoria came at 5:23 PM
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All Ado About Nothing.
So everyone's been really hyped up about Prom Night. To the school's credit, it does sound enjoyable. I mean, spending an entire night with the Bananas and NanHua gang will constitute to the most fun moments I've ever had. And we get to party after that! And to dress up and cam-whore for all we're worth too! Prom's all about the celebration of friendship for me.
It's just that when I was given the Prom King/Queen nominations slip, I was stunned. Seriously stunned, for the lack for eligible candidates for the Prom King. Heh. The drought of male eye-candies NJ has always suffered from became more evident ever since his batch graduated. This isn't the main point-it reminded me of what I've always expected for my JC prom. To anticipate with all my heart that the lust-worthy Greek God that I've been eyeing would ask me to the prom. If that fails, I could spend the night oggling at him in his best togs. Prom was all about anticipations and jvenile excitements to me (:
And now?
What eye-candy? What Greek God?
I was so lost you know, because a childhood dream was smashed to smithereens. There will be no 52.
I never really gave serious thought about Prom, so of course this matter never crossed my mind. But right then, as I remembered that the most celebrated night of my JC life will not have him in it, the heart was emptied of all emotions. Oh I know I was really naive to have such expectations- but these have been set since my childhood years, and I'm sure every girl wishes for that too, no? For me, his presence would hold the utmost significance because my JC life is all about him!
How could I celebrate my JC life without 52??
It's really like concluding that 52 was never there till the end with me, and so he will never reappear in my post-JC life again. We've had so many celebrations together, that I've grown so accustomed to looking out for him whenever I'm in such ecstatic mood. But now, he's absence is ever so apparent in the most essential celebration to me ever.
Now, because of the promises I made to them friends, I can't possibly back out. But I've come to dread Prom, because such a tragic closure will break my heart.
Sigh, I get it. Everything is so symbolic of the fact that we're never meant to be.
So everyone's been really hyped up about Prom Night. To the school's credit, it does sound enjoyable. I mean, spending an entire night with the Bananas and NanHua gang will constitute to the most fun moments I've ever had. And we get to party after that! And to dress up and cam-whore for all we're worth too! Prom's all about the celebration of friendship for me.
It's just that when I was given the Prom King/Queen nominations slip, I was stunned. Seriously stunned, for the lack for eligible candidates for the Prom King. Heh. The drought of male eye-candies NJ has always suffered from became more evident ever since his batch graduated. This isn't the main point-it reminded me of what I've always expected for my JC prom. To anticipate with all my heart that the lust-worthy Greek God that I've been eyeing would ask me to the prom. If that fails, I could spend the night oggling at him in his best togs. Prom was all about anticipations and jvenile excitements to me (:
And now?
What eye-candy? What Greek God?
I was so lost you know, because a childhood dream was smashed to smithereens. There will be no 52.
I never really gave serious thought about Prom, so of course this matter never crossed my mind. But right then, as I remembered that the most celebrated night of my JC life will not have him in it, the heart was emptied of all emotions. Oh I know I was really naive to have such expectations- but these have been set since my childhood years, and I'm sure every girl wishes for that too, no? For me, his presence would hold the utmost significance because my JC life is all about him!
How could I celebrate my JC life without 52??
It's really like concluding that 52 was never there till the end with me, and so he will never reappear in my post-JC life again. We've had so many celebrations together, that I've grown so accustomed to looking out for him whenever I'm in such ecstatic mood. But now, he's absence is ever so apparent in the most essential celebration to me ever.
Now, because of the promises I made to them friends, I can't possibly back out. But I've come to dread Prom, because such a tragic closure will break my heart.
Sigh, I get it. Everything is so symbolic of the fact that we're never meant to be.
dysphoria came at 11:57 PM
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The Time Warp
Last year today, I could walk around school, straining my ugly neck, trying to enlarge the slitty eyes for all it's worth to search for traces of you. Even seeing your bag lying around helps soothe the love-lorn heart.
You know, I think I even saw you on this day.
But this year, I'm left to wander about this meaningless compound, trying to recall the ghost of us. I realised we've crossed paths everywhere in school. Even in my frigging classroom! Heh heh. We were really very close you know? So close, I only wished I had the bravery to reach out to hold onto you.
I'm gonna start my "bottled green tea drinking" feat again, just because you were always drinking that. It's to...commemorate a lost love I guess.
Being damn dense again I know. But I don't know if I have the ability to do anything else, being the good-for-nothing wimp that I am. What else is there to do anyway?
Last year today, I could walk around school, straining my ugly neck, trying to enlarge the slitty eyes for all it's worth to search for traces of you. Even seeing your bag lying around helps soothe the love-lorn heart.
You know, I think I even saw you on this day.
But this year, I'm left to wander about this meaningless compound, trying to recall the ghost of us. I realised we've crossed paths everywhere in school. Even in my frigging classroom! Heh heh. We were really very close you know? So close, I only wished I had the bravery to reach out to hold onto you.
I'm gonna start my "bottled green tea drinking" feat again, just because you were always drinking that. It's to...commemorate a lost love I guess.
Being damn dense again I know. But I don't know if I have the ability to do anything else, being the good-for-nothing wimp that I am. What else is there to do anyway?
dysphoria came at 6:56 PM
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The End of Ends.
I just frittered away precious hours pondering on several circumstance in which I could have known him better.
In school, I could have approached him whenever I wished to, but would be subjected to teasings from both our friends. And to walk up to a guy who knows I have the hots for him? Please! I'd rather give a speech in front of the whole school!
Out of school, I know of several possibilities of meeting him. And some are sure-fire chances. But I'll appear desperate, or even worse, stalker-ish! And what if he doesnt remember me anymore? What would I say to him then- "Hi, do you remember a girl from NJ who keeps going crazy whenever she sees you? Ya, I'm her."? That simply preposterous! I could smile at him, but is a smile enough? It's too insignificant, and besides, he's incredibly unaware of his environment and unassuming of circumstances! What if he refuses to glance at me, and hence missed my smile? What if he thinks I'm a pervert?
Alternatively, I could add him on Friendster, and ultimately on MSN if I get lucky..and so the relationship develops. Well everyone knows people who send messages on Friendster are immature and losers in reality (except for the select sincere few). How could I phrase my words properly so it would catch his eye, and his heart? And most importantly, I don't have a nice picture of myself! Fat face! Slitty eyes! Flat nose! Distorted lips! Disjointed teeth! Really, I have every facial flaw in the world- so how could I put a decent picture of myself on Friendster and attract his attention? Yeah, you may say it's the character that essentially counts, but come off it! Guys go for looks 99.9% of the time, and the only 0.1% they dont, they're blinded by alcohol.
The rent to my condo unit is expiring this Dec. I could persuade the parents to move to his area. We'll be shifting our home across half of Singapore then, but it'll be worth it. Because it's only 10mins or so to CBD! I'll be at his regular hang-outs more regularly then, so obviously I'll meet him at least once a week. With so many meetings, I'm sure some "meeting-of-eyes-nodding-of-heads-smiles-small-talk" would come out of it. However Dec is WAY TOO LATE! I'll have to wait for 4 more arduous, slow-passing months at least before I move there! Besides, I might be too busy preparing for my move to US (hopefully!) by then.
Despite my earlier optimism, I've come to realise I really screwed my chances of knowing him while he was still around. It's so easy to say, "Oh just go and talk to him Vic. He won't kill!". But do you know how much it'll sap out of me? Making the first move was never part of my nature. I wrecked my happines with my very own hands. Now it's really quite impossible for anything now.
I'm fucking dense.
There, the first cuss word.
I just frittered away precious hours pondering on several circumstance in which I could have known him better.
In school, I could have approached him whenever I wished to, but would be subjected to teasings from both our friends. And to walk up to a guy who knows I have the hots for him? Please! I'd rather give a speech in front of the whole school!
Out of school, I know of several possibilities of meeting him. And some are sure-fire chances. But I'll appear desperate, or even worse, stalker-ish! And what if he doesnt remember me anymore? What would I say to him then- "Hi, do you remember a girl from NJ who keeps going crazy whenever she sees you? Ya, I'm her."? That simply preposterous! I could smile at him, but is a smile enough? It's too insignificant, and besides, he's incredibly unaware of his environment and unassuming of circumstances! What if he refuses to glance at me, and hence missed my smile? What if he thinks I'm a pervert?
Alternatively, I could add him on Friendster, and ultimately on MSN if I get lucky..and so the relationship develops. Well everyone knows people who send messages on Friendster are immature and losers in reality (except for the select sincere few). How could I phrase my words properly so it would catch his eye, and his heart? And most importantly, I don't have a nice picture of myself! Fat face! Slitty eyes! Flat nose! Distorted lips! Disjointed teeth! Really, I have every facial flaw in the world- so how could I put a decent picture of myself on Friendster and attract his attention? Yeah, you may say it's the character that essentially counts, but come off it! Guys go for looks 99.9% of the time, and the only 0.1% they dont, they're blinded by alcohol.
The rent to my condo unit is expiring this Dec. I could persuade the parents to move to his area. We'll be shifting our home across half of Singapore then, but it'll be worth it. Because it's only 10mins or so to CBD! I'll be at his regular hang-outs more regularly then, so obviously I'll meet him at least once a week. With so many meetings, I'm sure some "meeting-of-eyes-nodding-of-heads-smiles-small-talk" would come out of it. However Dec is WAY TOO LATE! I'll have to wait for 4 more arduous, slow-passing months at least before I move there! Besides, I might be too busy preparing for my move to US (hopefully!) by then.
Despite my earlier optimism, I've come to realise I really screwed my chances of knowing him while he was still around. It's so easy to say, "Oh just go and talk to him Vic. He won't kill!". But do you know how much it'll sap out of me? Making the first move was never part of my nature. I wrecked my happines with my very own hands. Now it's really quite impossible for anything now.
I'm fucking dense.
There, the first cuss word.
dysphoria came at 12:19 AM
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Now I understand why I dreamt of you after so many months.
It's your birthday today. It doesnt matter that I only just recalled moments ago through someone, because by some cosmic intervention, I was reminded of you last night.
So, Happy Birthday to the love of my life :)
I wish you the happiest life ever. With or without me. Heh.
Is Destiny saying something to me here, or is this just one of it's cruel tricks of coincidences? How many coincidences can we have? Surely we've crossed the line and entered the boundaries of "what is meant to be"? You know, I'm an ardent believer of Destiny. If this is indeed something, then please let me know? Let me have a source of hope in which I can cling on to in times of incredible bleakness?
I sound so irkingly pathetic. I'm reduced to a no-life loser by the thing you call Love. I think 52, you're the God of my life-you control my entire fate. I would make offerings to you on this very special day, embark on a pilgrimage for you even. But then I thought dedicating one's life to you is the greatest gift possible. So there.
I promise I'll make the best out of my life, so that when we do meet again (I'll have faith in that), you'll have the whole of my very fulfilling life :))
It's your birthday today. It doesnt matter that I only just recalled moments ago through someone, because by some cosmic intervention, I was reminded of you last night.
So, Happy Birthday to the love of my life :)
I wish you the happiest life ever. With or without me. Heh.
Is Destiny saying something to me here, or is this just one of it's cruel tricks of coincidences? How many coincidences can we have? Surely we've crossed the line and entered the boundaries of "what is meant to be"? You know, I'm an ardent believer of Destiny. If this is indeed something, then please let me know? Let me have a source of hope in which I can cling on to in times of incredible bleakness?
I sound so irkingly pathetic. I'm reduced to a no-life loser by the thing you call Love. I think 52, you're the God of my life-you control my entire fate. I would make offerings to you on this very special day, embark on a pilgrimage for you even. But then I thought dedicating one's life to you is the greatest gift possible. So there.
I promise I'll make the best out of my life, so that when we do meet again (I'll have faith in that), you'll have the whole of my very fulfilling life :))
dysphoria came at 7:00 PM
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52: Revelations, 5 Months Too Late
As I alighted from the bus, a tall, lanky, deliciously caramelised figure at the bus stop caught my eye. The Sun was searing hot, casting an unearthly glow about this figure. I shielded my eyes from the blinding light, and stared. I just had to find out who it was, because it was so incredibly familiar- almost like my old heartache.
Then I realise it was him. My old heartache indeed.
I gasped very audibly in shock, and he turned to look at me. For the nth time, our eyes met and he heard me gasping over him. My heart sang with joy, because it was a superbly pleasant surprise!
But then, fear set in. Fear of ruining his impression of me, fear of approaching an object of perfection, fear of fighting for Love, fear of the immense disappointments attached to it.
I think he recognised me, because he began approaching and was on the verge of uttering something. I would hear none of that, being embarassed and frightened as I already was. So I swivelled around, and ran for it. I ran to a life without heartache, but without happiness either. Oh it hurt so much to escape from the one person I loved more than life itself. It was simply devastating..
Unexpectedly, he gave chase. I was sobbing uncontrollably when I heard frantic footsteps behind me. He caught up with me of course, being the best soccer player of his time (heh). Then he grabbed my arm, turned me around to face him, and asked very anxiously, "Am I really that terrifying?".
I looked at him, right into those eyes filled with intensity beyond his age. Then I remembered my vows of not shrinking away from Love again, of standing up for what would bring me Happiness. This man right in front of me was the epitome of it all.
---------------------------------
That was the most realistic dream I ever had of him. It was exactly what I would do in reality if I met him one of these days- to run in the other direction as fast as my legs could carry me. It's weaved from my abnormally active imagination, but speaks only distilled truth.
I've come to realise this was what we were doing for the past year or so. He was there all along, waiting for me to initiate something, sometimes almost beckoning me to do so. He didn't know me as I knew him, so obviously I had to be the one approaching him. And he was so painfully shy, almost comparable to Little. But I was so unconfident, so fugly, so insignificant, so terrified of perfection, all I did was to gasp in awe at him from afar and flee in fear if he enters a 5metre radius about me. How come someone like me, disgusting me, be worthy of even loving someone like him? I think all the impression I ever gave him was that I was an ice-queen, incredibly aloof and snobbish, because I didn't even want to meet his eyes.
It took me so long to realise it was my fault. I really ruined everything. My brainless cowardice was my undoing. There's really nothing I can do now, is there?
How could I love him so much, and yet be so frightened of him?? Oh, I'm so foolish. So stupid.
It's been 5 months, and I miss him so terribly. The heartache is still as fresh as before, and the lonely tears yet to have evaporated.
As I alighted from the bus, a tall, lanky, deliciously caramelised figure at the bus stop caught my eye. The Sun was searing hot, casting an unearthly glow about this figure. I shielded my eyes from the blinding light, and stared. I just had to find out who it was, because it was so incredibly familiar- almost like my old heartache.
Then I realise it was him. My old heartache indeed.
I gasped very audibly in shock, and he turned to look at me. For the nth time, our eyes met and he heard me gasping over him. My heart sang with joy, because it was a superbly pleasant surprise!
But then, fear set in. Fear of ruining his impression of me, fear of approaching an object of perfection, fear of fighting for Love, fear of the immense disappointments attached to it.
I think he recognised me, because he began approaching and was on the verge of uttering something. I would hear none of that, being embarassed and frightened as I already was. So I swivelled around, and ran for it. I ran to a life without heartache, but without happiness either. Oh it hurt so much to escape from the one person I loved more than life itself. It was simply devastating..
Unexpectedly, he gave chase. I was sobbing uncontrollably when I heard frantic footsteps behind me. He caught up with me of course, being the best soccer player of his time (heh). Then he grabbed my arm, turned me around to face him, and asked very anxiously, "Am I really that terrifying?".
I looked at him, right into those eyes filled with intensity beyond his age. Then I remembered my vows of not shrinking away from Love again, of standing up for what would bring me Happiness. This man right in front of me was the epitome of it all.
---------------------------------
That was the most realistic dream I ever had of him. It was exactly what I would do in reality if I met him one of these days- to run in the other direction as fast as my legs could carry me. It's weaved from my abnormally active imagination, but speaks only distilled truth.
I've come to realise this was what we were doing for the past year or so. He was there all along, waiting for me to initiate something, sometimes almost beckoning me to do so. He didn't know me as I knew him, so obviously I had to be the one approaching him. And he was so painfully shy, almost comparable to Little. But I was so unconfident, so fugly, so insignificant, so terrified of perfection, all I did was to gasp in awe at him from afar and flee in fear if he enters a 5metre radius about me. How come someone like me, disgusting me, be worthy of even loving someone like him? I think all the impression I ever gave him was that I was an ice-queen, incredibly aloof and snobbish, because I didn't even want to meet his eyes.
It took me so long to realise it was my fault. I really ruined everything. My brainless cowardice was my undoing. There's really nothing I can do now, is there?
How could I love him so much, and yet be so frightened of him?? Oh, I'm so foolish. So stupid.
It's been 5 months, and I miss him so terribly. The heartache is still as fresh as before, and the lonely tears yet to have evaporated.
dysphoria came at 11:11 AM
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Vodka, My Nemesis.
There's been a bottle of Vodka Mandarin lying in my fridge for weeks. It's almost as lonely as my deprived heart has been in the wake of his absence.
There's been a bottle of Vodka Mandarin lying in my fridge for weeks. It's almost as lonely as my deprived heart has been in the wake of his absence.
So tonight, out of fear that Mummy would fling it down the rubbish chute as it has been untouched since I persuaded the parents that Vodka is the coolest alcohol ever, I tried concocting my own cocktail.
I call it the Vee OO.
8 parts of Marigold's 100% orange juice and 2 parts of said Vodka Mandarin.
It was so heavenly, until I got woozy and everything began to swirl across my dazed eyes.
Alas! I've brought a very horrid migraine upon myself. Since 9pm, I've been staring blankly at my laptop, and allowed my fingers to dance as it wishes across the keyboard. The last-minute homework remains untouched of course. You would think that I would be incoherent upon the onset of drunkedness. But no!! He said I'm witty and interesting!
It's funny how I shine only when I'm half-conscious. No wonder they say alcohol strips you of all restrictions and worldly concerns, because I only speak my mind when in such pathetic a state.
No more Vodka from now on, I swear!! All the Jim Beams/Rums/Whisky/Magaritas in the world can't measure up to the damage Vodka wrecks upon me. And now I have to suffer the humiliation of blogging incoherent, rash entries when I'm woozy.
BAH!
dysphoria came at 10:54 PM
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Partners In Crime.
This was meant to be a relatively more cheerful entry, because my moroseness has dissipated somehow with the revamp of the blog.
Until I stumbled onto something made only possible by the wonders of technology. I'm so sorry for intruding, really. But you're someone so close to me, someone I call my Sista- and obviously I cared enough to ignite that old spark of curiousity.
There's so much of you that's hidden from all of us. I don't blame you of course, being well guilty of that crime myself. I wish I had more time and energy to discover this friendship. We'll just endure these dreadful months and then embark on a new journey together ok?? We can. We'll motivate each other, we'll become each other's best cheerleaders. We'll go beneath the layers of superficiality we shrouded ourselves with since NJ, we'll become ourselves again.
I love you, alongside all the silly, silly Bananas.
This was meant to be a relatively more cheerful entry, because my moroseness has dissipated somehow with the revamp of the blog.
Until I stumbled onto something made only possible by the wonders of technology. I'm so sorry for intruding, really. But you're someone so close to me, someone I call my Sista- and obviously I cared enough to ignite that old spark of curiousity.
There's so much of you that's hidden from all of us. I don't blame you of course, being well guilty of that crime myself. I wish I had more time and energy to discover this friendship. We'll just endure these dreadful months and then embark on a new journey together ok?? We can. We'll motivate each other, we'll become each other's best cheerleaders. We'll go beneath the layers of superficiality we shrouded ourselves with since NJ, we'll become ourselves again.
I love you, alongside all the silly, silly Bananas.
dysphoria came at 7:08 PM
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Green Eyes.
I bet you enjoyed that moment.
Yeah of course. She's absolutely ravishing. Doeful eyes; lustrous, rebonded hair; willowy frame; dazzling smile- that's everything that you can't possibly find on me.
#%#@! And you had to look so dashing beside her! Why?!!!! So as to complement her beauty?
Am I SO FRIGGING INADEQUATE??
I know I have no right for this raging envy, because you were never mine. But I thought my love amounts to a little something. You claim you're always busy. Yeah right. You can't even spend seconds of your precious time talking to me, while you were so very enthusiastic to fool around with people like her huh?
It's not about her. It's about us, and what you made of this friendship.
I should just let go. You never cared for me once, did you?
I really loved you, you know that?
Of course you do. Everyone does.
I bet you enjoyed that moment.
Yeah of course. She's absolutely ravishing. Doeful eyes; lustrous, rebonded hair; willowy frame; dazzling smile- that's everything that you can't possibly find on me.
#%#@! And you had to look so dashing beside her! Why?!!!! So as to complement her beauty?
Am I SO FRIGGING INADEQUATE??
I know I have no right for this raging envy, because you were never mine. But I thought my love amounts to a little something. You claim you're always busy. Yeah right. You can't even spend seconds of your precious time talking to me, while you were so very enthusiastic to fool around with people like her huh?
It's not about her. It's about us, and what you made of this friendship.
I should just let go. You never cared for me once, did you?
I really loved you, you know that?
Of course you do. Everyone does.
dysphoria came at 12:24 AM
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I think there should be a better use of resources than directing them towards the myraid of tasteless songs and gaudy performances that constitute the annual event.
Year after year, it's the same monotonous, irksome displays that make me so ashamed (more so than I already was) of this..thing you call a country.
Very rowdy and grumpy. I just don't appreciate it that millions of people are celebrating the birth of Hell. :( Oh yeah, Hell's born to put us through the endless ordeal of infernal pain. We love Hell! We're proud of Hell! We want this Hell to grow and develop so more could come under it's torture!
I say we're just plain sadistic.
Year after year, it's the same monotonous, irksome displays that make me so ashamed (more so than I already was) of this..thing you call a country.
Very rowdy and grumpy. I just don't appreciate it that millions of people are celebrating the birth of Hell. :( Oh yeah, Hell's born to put us through the endless ordeal of infernal pain. We love Hell! We're proud of Hell! We want this Hell to grow and develop so more could come under it's torture!
I say we're just plain sadistic.
dysphoria came at 6:41 PM
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All's well, all's well.
I admit I'm an over-sensitive, over-emo girl sometimes. Heh.
I admit I'm an over-sensitive, over-emo girl sometimes. Heh.
dysphoria came at 11:39 PM
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I know I love very horribly.
But am I a bad girl to love too????
Because it affects me really badly when you ignore me. How could you? On another one of my "cold lonely nights", when I need your companionship SO dreadfully??
All I have are superficial friendship and songs so sad, you'll slit your wrists to them in a jiffy.
I think I'm gonna be like that till I lie on my deathbed you know. Instead of aging gracefully in solitude, with 100 cats as my pets, I wither into a social recluse whom everyone "loves to hate, and hates to love". I'm quite proud of myself as I am! Because no one has ever made life into such a grotesque failure as me!
Yay-ness!
But am I a bad girl to love too????
Because it affects me really badly when you ignore me. How could you? On another one of my "cold lonely nights", when I need your companionship SO dreadfully??
All I have are superficial friendship and songs so sad, you'll slit your wrists to them in a jiffy.
I think I'm gonna be like that till I lie on my deathbed you know. Instead of aging gracefully in solitude, with 100 cats as my pets, I wither into a social recluse whom everyone "loves to hate, and hates to love". I'm quite proud of myself as I am! Because no one has ever made life into such a grotesque failure as me!
Yay-ness!
dysphoria came at 8:34 PM
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Fun days, I had- but I'm too tired for all that arduous narrative.
I'm just soaking up the sweet melancholy, just because I happen to be thinking of Mr Stix. I remember someone telling me once that I looked so hostile and cold around 52, it was little surprise he wouldn't touch me with a 100-foot pole. It's just..you know, bashfulness! And it's definitely worse with Mr Stix, because I actually ignored him outright.
Ah, how horrendously regrets haunt. Tonight, the ghosts of my past are back to feed on the last remaining shreds of my happiness.
Happy National Day peeps! *scoff, scoff*
Lets go be HAPPY!!
After all, it isn't everyday when you get holidays for Hell's birthday.
I'm just soaking up the sweet melancholy, just because I happen to be thinking of Mr Stix. I remember someone telling me once that I looked so hostile and cold around 52, it was little surprise he wouldn't touch me with a 100-foot pole. It's just..you know, bashfulness! And it's definitely worse with Mr Stix, because I actually ignored him outright.
Ah, how horrendously regrets haunt. Tonight, the ghosts of my past are back to feed on the last remaining shreds of my happiness.
Happy National Day peeps! *scoff, scoff*
Lets go be HAPPY!!
After all, it isn't everyday when you get holidays for Hell's birthday.
dysphoria came at 8:18 PM
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Here Comes My Sun.
Today was fantabulous. It was the last possible time to hang out with all the wonderful CCA-mates. And I really really love every single one of them.
Thank you juniors, for the wonderful time- though the Farewell really should have been longer and more meaningful! Haha.
Here comes the sun
I feel that ice is slowly melting
It seems like years since it's been clear
I love Rena. She's so cranky and cheerful, just seeing her makes me laugh all my troubles away (though she always says I make her laugh). We love teasing Nan and Dydy, being frightened of Jesus Christ together, and complaining about the hardships. The bus rides home with her, Zi Hao and Nan were always fun-filled, and they bring joy to the arduous night-practices. I can talk about any nonsensical issue under the Sun with her, which pretty much makes her my confidante! She's my favourite! (; Though I'm really uneasy when she teases me and Bear-bear!
I love Bear-bear too! He's super amicable from the start. He's my sole sunshine in this CCA! I remember how obsessed I was with him initially, being all grumpy and teary when he doesn't show up. Then he gradually attended more practices, and was there with me through my mood-swings, my horrid tantrums and my tears. He's so encouraging, so easy-going, so charming (: And I love how he becomes shy and silent when he gets teased! There was once after we performed at Kampong Glam when he and Dydy were accompanying me to the toilet. When I was walking in, I heard Dydy say, "Hor! Eric likes Victoria!". I was giggling uncontrollably even when I came out-but it really looked like he got the worser end of the deal. He was blushing VERY furiously! SO ADORABLE! And when we were talking in the library with Rena around, just a "He's your favourite what!" from her, and he'll go all silent as compared to his chatty state a moment ago. I dig guys like that (:
And there's ZiHao. He's a kindred spirit. The bus rides home with him were SO MEMORABLE. I remember the first time we saw Jesus Christ, I was so scared, I grabbed onto him, and kept yelling, "Zihao! Help, help!". Ever calm and composed, he said, "Aiyah don't be so afraid lah. He's only human-nevermind one!". It's very funny and enjoyable talking to him. I guess we connect well. The message he wrote to me was very very heart-warming, it made me tear instantly : You're an attractive person. Keep that personality and I'll always remember our bus rides home. (there's more, but this is the most interesting part!) Awww....He's so endearing huh?
Oh, not forgetting the 3 "Free gifts" too. They were given this unfortunate tag when they became the Drummer boys alongside Zal. Since Zal was the original Drummer (Oh, so hot!), I claimed that he was the first "purchase" I made, and the 3 new-comers were the "free-gifts" that came along. They were memorable soley because they're always near Zal, and so I couldnt help but notice them too! Heh heh. Well seriously, they're the only Malay guys around, so it makes them super cool, super outstanding, super interesting. Didn't I say I love Mats? Especially when they come with a cute sense of humour, goofy personalities and good looks (maybe only that particular one *wink wink*).
And you know, "my purchase" came today, much to my surprise. Blue polo tee, impossibly torn jeans and blue Trial slippers! Hahaha. At least he has good sense of colour combination (: He's undeniably hot! I was really hyperventilating when he stepped in, all unassumingly cool and charming. He's as close as a crush, as what 52 was to one. It's a tragic pity though, that we only exchanged glances. Do you know the glances we exhanged these months could represent enough words to form the longest convo in the world?
Dammit! I'm shy, and I like shy guys. Look where is this bringing me.
I swear, one of these days I will smile to him. I swear!! I must make this good, after ruining the perfect chance when he said "Bye!" to me a long time ago and I ignored him out of fear.
*raises fists at Destiny* You better make him mine! After all that horrid experiences I had, I deserve something good. He's the best thing in the world I can have! And while you're at it, will you take 8 pounds off me?
Today was fantabulous. It was the last possible time to hang out with all the wonderful CCA-mates. And I really really love every single one of them.
Thank you juniors, for the wonderful time- though the Farewell really should have been longer and more meaningful! Haha.
Here comes the sun
I feel that ice is slowly melting
It seems like years since it's been clear
I love Rena. She's so cranky and cheerful, just seeing her makes me laugh all my troubles away (though she always says I make her laugh). We love teasing Nan and Dydy, being frightened of Jesus Christ together, and complaining about the hardships. The bus rides home with her, Zi Hao and Nan were always fun-filled, and they bring joy to the arduous night-practices. I can talk about any nonsensical issue under the Sun with her, which pretty much makes her my confidante! She's my favourite! (; Though I'm really uneasy when she teases me and Bear-bear!
I love Bear-bear too! He's super amicable from the start. He's my sole sunshine in this CCA! I remember how obsessed I was with him initially, being all grumpy and teary when he doesn't show up. Then he gradually attended more practices, and was there with me through my mood-swings, my horrid tantrums and my tears. He's so encouraging, so easy-going, so charming (: And I love how he becomes shy and silent when he gets teased! There was once after we performed at Kampong Glam when he and Dydy were accompanying me to the toilet. When I was walking in, I heard Dydy say, "Hor! Eric likes Victoria!". I was giggling uncontrollably even when I came out-but it really looked like he got the worser end of the deal. He was blushing VERY furiously! SO ADORABLE! And when we were talking in the library with Rena around, just a "He's your favourite what!" from her, and he'll go all silent as compared to his chatty state a moment ago. I dig guys like that (:
And there's ZiHao. He's a kindred spirit. The bus rides home with him were SO MEMORABLE. I remember the first time we saw Jesus Christ, I was so scared, I grabbed onto him, and kept yelling, "Zihao! Help, help!". Ever calm and composed, he said, "Aiyah don't be so afraid lah. He's only human-nevermind one!". It's very funny and enjoyable talking to him. I guess we connect well. The message he wrote to me was very very heart-warming, it made me tear instantly : You're an attractive person. Keep that personality and I'll always remember our bus rides home. (there's more, but this is the most interesting part!) Awww....He's so endearing huh?
Oh, not forgetting the 3 "Free gifts" too. They were given this unfortunate tag when they became the Drummer boys alongside Zal. Since Zal was the original Drummer (Oh, so hot!), I claimed that he was the first "purchase" I made, and the 3 new-comers were the "free-gifts" that came along. They were memorable soley because they're always near Zal, and so I couldnt help but notice them too! Heh heh. Well seriously, they're the only Malay guys around, so it makes them super cool, super outstanding, super interesting. Didn't I say I love Mats? Especially when they come with a cute sense of humour, goofy personalities and good looks (maybe only that particular one *wink wink*).
And you know, "my purchase" came today, much to my surprise. Blue polo tee, impossibly torn jeans and blue Trial slippers! Hahaha. At least he has good sense of colour combination (: He's undeniably hot! I was really hyperventilating when he stepped in, all unassumingly cool and charming. He's as close as a crush, as what 52 was to one. It's a tragic pity though, that we only exchanged glances. Do you know the glances we exhanged these months could represent enough words to form the longest convo in the world?
Dammit! I'm shy, and I like shy guys. Look where is this bringing me.
I swear, one of these days I will smile to him. I swear!! I must make this good, after ruining the perfect chance when he said "Bye!" to me a long time ago and I ignored him out of fear.
*raises fists at Destiny* You better make him mine! After all that horrid experiences I had, I deserve something good. He's the best thing in the world I can have! And while you're at it, will you take 8 pounds off me?
dysphoria came at 9:43 PM
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The Walking Fountain of Misery
Am I seriously screwed up there in my head? Or have these unorthodox tendencies always been dormant in me?
I'm actually indulging in misery again.
The sweet, old familiar twinge of the heart that makes my tear ducts prick, and my eyes covered with the ever-welcoming film of tears.
I just watched Windstruck again this afternoon, and had a major cry-fest.
"Canon in D" is playing on loop for 3 hours straight.
I re-read this again this evening, and was so touched by a particular post card that said , "I still remember your birthday. And this is where I celebrated it last year. I picked up this postcard and wrote a cute greeting on it and your address. Then I remembered your new life without me and sent it to PostSecret instead." Imagine celebrating a birthday for someone who isn't part of your life anymore, who embarked on a happier future with somebody else while you're still clinging on to the past. It's so tragically beautiful!
And then there was this, which a friend thought was written by me for 52. Hohoho. If only I could convey my screwed emotions and write that well. But I guess that's why I can perfectly identify with the guy who made that confession. So sweet, so profoundly moving...
I'm not really confident that I can attend the Senior's Farewell tomorrow without puffy eyes. But Zal might be going, and I'll do almost anything to see and talk (maybe when I finally sum up my limited courage!) to him. Sheeshh...Will catch Windstruck one last time before I sleep.
Heh heh heh.
For the first time in months, I allowed myself to dwell on 52 again...and realised I had forgotten
his birthday. Seems like a good sign of recovery huh? But no..I can sense that familiar heartache beckoning. I miss him so bloody much, I think I'll gladly give everything up just to be bedazzled by that smile again. It's been so long. Too long for happiness to ever occur between us. I'm no longer wailing at the mere mention of him- just resigned and numbed I guess. There're some people that'll remain in your life forever, whether they choose to be or not. He's the love of my life that'll always reside in this dying heart.
I love you so much, but you're obviously too good for me.
Will end off here, before suicidal thoughts come to mind again, and you'll all slit your wrists to this. Haha.
Am I seriously screwed up there in my head? Or have these unorthodox tendencies always been dormant in me?
I'm actually indulging in misery again.
The sweet, old familiar twinge of the heart that makes my tear ducts prick, and my eyes covered with the ever-welcoming film of tears.
I just watched Windstruck again this afternoon, and had a major cry-fest.
"Canon in D" is playing on loop for 3 hours straight.
I re-read this again this evening, and was so touched by a particular post card that said , "I still remember your birthday. And this is where I celebrated it last year. I picked up this postcard and wrote a cute greeting on it and your address. Then I remembered your new life without me and sent it to PostSecret instead." Imagine celebrating a birthday for someone who isn't part of your life anymore, who embarked on a happier future with somebody else while you're still clinging on to the past. It's so tragically beautiful!
And then there was this, which a friend thought was written by me for 52. Hohoho. If only I could convey my screwed emotions and write that well. But I guess that's why I can perfectly identify with the guy who made that confession. So sweet, so profoundly moving...
I'm not really confident that I can attend the Senior's Farewell tomorrow without puffy eyes. But Zal might be going, and I'll do almost anything to see and talk (maybe when I finally sum up my limited courage!) to him. Sheeshh...Will catch Windstruck one last time before I sleep.
Heh heh heh.
For the first time in months, I allowed myself to dwell on 52 again...and realised I had forgotten
his birthday. Seems like a good sign of recovery huh? But no..I can sense that familiar heartache beckoning. I miss him so bloody much, I think I'll gladly give everything up just to be bedazzled by that smile again. It's been so long. Too long for happiness to ever occur between us. I'm no longer wailing at the mere mention of him- just resigned and numbed I guess. There're some people that'll remain in your life forever, whether they choose to be or not. He's the love of my life that'll always reside in this dying heart.
I love you so much, but you're obviously too good for me.
Will end off here, before suicidal thoughts come to mind again, and you'll all slit your wrists to this. Haha.
dysphoria came at 10:04 PM
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I Love You, Mr. Weirdo!!
Someone is clearly driving me nuts by sending me reports of her encounter with MY BOY in school via sms. He's talking to her A LOT, and doing stuffs for her!!
Just she wait. I'm known commit reckless acts out of jealousy...Maybe I should make a mad-dash for school now in my frumpy PJs, big hair and puffy face to claim back my "one and only". Oh, not forgetting the nifty lil cleaver Mum keeps in the kitchen (:
Silly friends I have. Heh heh. Igniting my envy when I'm sick and vulnerable. Oh, I really miss joking and talking nonsense with them though it's only a day of missing school. I feel like I'm being left out on a fat lot of wholesome fun :((
That boy had better talk to me more when I'm back in school. He's mine okay? He only talks to me about specific stuffs and attempts to make closer contact with me okay??
I'm talking as if the people I like are always hot property. We all know how electic and unconvential my tastes are, even when it comes to boys. Lol. But in actual fact, THIS BOY happens to be the hottest heart-throb of NJ at the moment .
Someone is clearly driving me nuts by sending me reports of her encounter with MY BOY in school via sms. He's talking to her A LOT, and doing stuffs for her!!
Just she wait. I'm known commit reckless acts out of jealousy...Maybe I should make a mad-dash for school now in my frumpy PJs, big hair and puffy face to claim back my "one and only". Oh, not forgetting the nifty lil cleaver Mum keeps in the kitchen (:
Silly friends I have. Heh heh. Igniting my envy when I'm sick and vulnerable. Oh, I really miss joking and talking nonsense with them though it's only a day of missing school. I feel like I'm being left out on a fat lot of wholesome fun :((
That boy had better talk to me more when I'm back in school. He's mine okay? He only talks to me about specific stuffs and attempts to make closer contact with me okay??
I'm talking as if the people I like are always hot property. We all know how electic and unconvential my tastes are, even when it comes to boys. Lol. But in actual fact, THIS BOY happens to be the hottest heart-throb of NJ at the moment .
dysphoria came at 9:34 AM
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I have come to conclude that I only love things that are detrimental to my well-being.
Like 52.
Like Fifi.
Like starvation.
Like life in NYC (it's not only detrimental, it'll be potentially fatal too)
Like having long study sessions in the freezing library on cold, rainy days. It makes the environment so Un-Singaporish, something that's so precious to me.
Alas! I've finally fallen ill..maybe I need some self-restraint so I wont over-indulge in my loves. But till I've mastered it, there's no school for me today!
Like 52.
Like Fifi.
Like starvation.
Like life in NYC (it's not only detrimental, it'll be potentially fatal too)
Like having long study sessions in the freezing library on cold, rainy days. It makes the environment so Un-Singaporish, something that's so precious to me.
Alas! I've finally fallen ill..maybe I need some self-restraint so I wont over-indulge in my loves. But till I've mastered it, there's no school for me today!
dysphoria came at 8:53 AM
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:(((
The Momster sees shopping as a flagrant waste of money, while it's OK to splurge on fine-food.
I'm so frigging pissed now.
There can't be anyone on earth who's a greater antagonist than my Mom. We mostly never see eye-to-eye, and it gets so infuriating during arguements because we're both equally obstinate and short-fused.
It's not as if I spend my entire allowance every month. I don't. I starve during schooldays in a bid to lose weight, so I barely spend a dollar a day! It's only right that I purchase whatever that catches my eye, with the money I have hardly any other use for. And how much can I really splurge, despite my seemingly unlimited wants-as compared to the disgustingly expensive Chinese food I'm compelled to force down my throat every weekend?
This is bloody injustice! It just happens that she think it's worthwhile to dig deeper into her finances for food, ie the idiotic, "You are what you eat" theory; and I think it's more worthwhile to look good, feel good, and ultimately be good. Image and confidence counts, and I'm not gonna deny that I ain't a victim of consumerism. I'm only too happy to lay victim- I love fashion, literature and Art. These passions aren't free to pursue, and so why can't I have the liberty to buy whatever that feeds my interests??
Urgh. I miss Daddy. He accomodates and spoils me with no boundaries. I'm so glad I'm like Daddy (which everyone says so), because indulgence in luxury is really the greatest reward for the hardships of Life. Now that he's halfway around the globe, there's no like-minded soul to side with me whenever Mom and I are at logger-heads.
I envy friends who shop with their mothers. I know of some whose Moms even pay for their purchases. I mean I do shop with the Momster, only disagreements are bound to arise. It always happens when I see something I really really love, like the Sandman comics by Neil Gaiman and insist on owning one. She'll go, "Aiyah, so old already still read comics. 30 over bucks for a book? So expensive!", not realising that The Sandman is one of the most philosophical comic series ever created-the perfect food for her daughter's dying soul. Sometimes I get lucky, and she'll reluctantly pay for them, as all mothers should. But most of the time, she'll raise her voice even more upon further insistence and relentless whining :(
I am but an immature, capricious teen to her-so my opinions, my preferences don't matter much. She just doesnt understand what makes me tick...
I sound like a total air-head sounding agitated just because Mom doesn't cordone my shopping habits. But sometimes, I really really wish that she could just embark on a trip to town with me and encourage me to pursure whatever that makes me happy. Daddy encourages, but he loathes shopping, as do most guys.
So now you know why I've long out-grown the "shopping with parents" phase and would rather spend out of my own pockets than theirs.
The Momster sees shopping as a flagrant waste of money, while it's OK to splurge on fine-food.
I'm so frigging pissed now.
There can't be anyone on earth who's a greater antagonist than my Mom. We mostly never see eye-to-eye, and it gets so infuriating during arguements because we're both equally obstinate and short-fused.
It's not as if I spend my entire allowance every month. I don't. I starve during schooldays in a bid to lose weight, so I barely spend a dollar a day! It's only right that I purchase whatever that catches my eye, with the money I have hardly any other use for. And how much can I really splurge, despite my seemingly unlimited wants-as compared to the disgustingly expensive Chinese food I'm compelled to force down my throat every weekend?
This is bloody injustice! It just happens that she think it's worthwhile to dig deeper into her finances for food, ie the idiotic, "You are what you eat" theory; and I think it's more worthwhile to look good, feel good, and ultimately be good. Image and confidence counts, and I'm not gonna deny that I ain't a victim of consumerism. I'm only too happy to lay victim- I love fashion, literature and Art. These passions aren't free to pursue, and so why can't I have the liberty to buy whatever that feeds my interests??
Urgh. I miss Daddy. He accomodates and spoils me with no boundaries. I'm so glad I'm like Daddy (which everyone says so), because indulgence in luxury is really the greatest reward for the hardships of Life. Now that he's halfway around the globe, there's no like-minded soul to side with me whenever Mom and I are at logger-heads.
I envy friends who shop with their mothers. I know of some whose Moms even pay for their purchases. I mean I do shop with the Momster, only disagreements are bound to arise. It always happens when I see something I really really love, like the Sandman comics by Neil Gaiman and insist on owning one. She'll go, "Aiyah, so old already still read comics. 30 over bucks for a book? So expensive!", not realising that The Sandman is one of the most philosophical comic series ever created-the perfect food for her daughter's dying soul. Sometimes I get lucky, and she'll reluctantly pay for them, as all mothers should. But most of the time, she'll raise her voice even more upon further insistence and relentless whining :(
I am but an immature, capricious teen to her-so my opinions, my preferences don't matter much. She just doesnt understand what makes me tick...
I sound like a total air-head sounding agitated just because Mom doesn't cordone my shopping habits. But sometimes, I really really wish that she could just embark on a trip to town with me and encourage me to pursure whatever that makes me happy. Daddy encourages, but he loathes shopping, as do most guys.
So now you know why I've long out-grown the "shopping with parents" phase and would rather spend out of my own pockets than theirs.
dysphoria came at 9:27 PM
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The Infallible Pillar.
It's so easy to trust and rely on him. All these months I've been so dependent on his company, he has become an irreplaceable listening-ear. So composed, mature, patient, accomodating and sincere-what more a friend can I ask for?
I feel like a wretch telling him about my crushes sometimes, because I do know of his intentions. I haven't been a good friend either because of all the complicated cicumstances.
But it's still very assuring to know that my secrets are safe with someone who truly cares about me. I really appreciate that. He's my best Secret-Keeper :)
It's so easy to trust and rely on him. All these months I've been so dependent on his company, he has become an irreplaceable listening-ear. So composed, mature, patient, accomodating and sincere-what more a friend can I ask for?
I feel like a wretch telling him about my crushes sometimes, because I do know of his intentions. I haven't been a good friend either because of all the complicated cicumstances.
But it's still very assuring to know that my secrets are safe with someone who truly cares about me. I really appreciate that. He's my best Secret-Keeper :)
dysphoria came at 10:11 PM
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Strangers at Proximity.
Weird occurences seem to love visiting me nowadays.
After a particularly fun but draining study session at school today, Wei and I hopped on 852 home. Surprisingly, it wasn't a crowded bus, seeing that it was peak period when we boarded. So I sat beside this twentyish man in purple at the last row. We talked about loads of nonsense and laughed non-stop at said nonsense. Midway through the journey, I found a purple Sony memorystick lodged between Mr Purple and I, and thought that it belonged to him. Well, it's very evidently because it matches his cool shirt! Lol!
"Excuse me, does this belong to you?" I asked. It took a while for him to turn his head to face me, and mumbled an almost incoherent "No". Because it was an inconsequential event, I dismissed his presence within a second.
It wasn't until Wei got off the bus that the drama happened!
Wow, sounds damn exciting doesnt it? Heh heh.
The moment the bus left Wei's stop, he turned towards me and asked in that meek voice of his, " Eh...What you talked about was interesting! (it was mostly about Qijun, and if he found Qijun interesting, obviously he doesnt has that much of a life). Do you...do you want to make friends?"
"Er....", I was utterly lost for words.
"We can exchange phone numbers or something."
OH MY FRIGGING GOD! He's a damn working yuppie for goodness sake, and I am but a boring NJ student! Why would he want to befriend someone probably 10 years his junior, and has the intellect of someone half his age??
"Actually, no I'd rather not...Sorry.." I answered in guilt. It's a "No", just because. I used to think that's the lousiest and lamest reason a person can come out with, but really, I was so mentally paralysed, I wouldn't socialise even if Zal was speaking to me. I'm also aware that I shouldn't be the embarassed and regretful party, but I can't help feeling dreadful for rejection. Come to think of it now, that apology was very very uncalled for eh? Ha, but it's just me I guess. Ever so ready to apologise and take up the blame when things go wrong :(
He gave a curt nod, and returned his gaze to the window beside him. Man, that was the most awkward ride I've ever had. Because the passengers dwindled, and soon enough, we were the only ones remaining at the back half of the bus. And I had to be beside him, of all places!! It was so tempting to shift elsewhere but it'll be the ultimate sin to wrought more humiliation unto him. So I chose to remain in the very "hot seat", took out my Chem notes, and pretended to mug very intensely. I have to count my blessing he didn't say anything else to make the horrid situation worse!
When the bus reached the interchange, I took off immediately, at a speed that may perhaps beat Sista's.
Please, I really don't wish for more incidences as such. It's worse than tripping in public or being caught staring at Zal by the person himself. It's like having someone close keep harping on your shameful past when all you wish for is to rid it from your memory forever. Intensely, painfully uncomfortable.
852 is clearly bad for me, considering the embarassing moments (like crying on the bus not very long ago) I've been through. But it happens to take my favourite route, and fetch my favourite fellow-passenger, Mr Cute HC..and I'm most certainly not willing to sacrifice that magnitude of happiness (:
Weird occurences seem to love visiting me nowadays.
After a particularly fun but draining study session at school today, Wei and I hopped on 852 home. Surprisingly, it wasn't a crowded bus, seeing that it was peak period when we boarded. So I sat beside this twentyish man in purple at the last row. We talked about loads of nonsense and laughed non-stop at said nonsense. Midway through the journey, I found a purple Sony memorystick lodged between Mr Purple and I, and thought that it belonged to him. Well, it's very evidently because it matches his cool shirt! Lol!
"Excuse me, does this belong to you?" I asked. It took a while for him to turn his head to face me, and mumbled an almost incoherent "No". Because it was an inconsequential event, I dismissed his presence within a second.
It wasn't until Wei got off the bus that the drama happened!
Wow, sounds damn exciting doesnt it? Heh heh.
The moment the bus left Wei's stop, he turned towards me and asked in that meek voice of his, " Eh...What you talked about was interesting! (it was mostly about Qijun, and if he found Qijun interesting, obviously he doesnt has that much of a life). Do you...do you want to make friends?"
"Er....", I was utterly lost for words.
"We can exchange phone numbers or something."
OH MY FRIGGING GOD! He's a damn working yuppie for goodness sake, and I am but a boring NJ student! Why would he want to befriend someone probably 10 years his junior, and has the intellect of someone half his age??
"Actually, no I'd rather not...Sorry.." I answered in guilt. It's a "No", just because. I used to think that's the lousiest and lamest reason a person can come out with, but really, I was so mentally paralysed, I wouldn't socialise even if Zal was speaking to me. I'm also aware that I shouldn't be the embarassed and regretful party, but I can't help feeling dreadful for rejection. Come to think of it now, that apology was very very uncalled for eh? Ha, but it's just me I guess. Ever so ready to apologise and take up the blame when things go wrong :(
He gave a curt nod, and returned his gaze to the window beside him. Man, that was the most awkward ride I've ever had. Because the passengers dwindled, and soon enough, we were the only ones remaining at the back half of the bus. And I had to be beside him, of all places!! It was so tempting to shift elsewhere but it'll be the ultimate sin to wrought more humiliation unto him. So I chose to remain in the very "hot seat", took out my Chem notes, and pretended to mug very intensely. I have to count my blessing he didn't say anything else to make the horrid situation worse!
When the bus reached the interchange, I took off immediately, at a speed that may perhaps beat Sista's.
Please, I really don't wish for more incidences as such. It's worse than tripping in public or being caught staring at Zal by the person himself. It's like having someone close keep harping on your shameful past when all you wish for is to rid it from your memory forever. Intensely, painfully uncomfortable.
852 is clearly bad for me, considering the embarassing moments (like crying on the bus not very long ago) I've been through. But it happens to take my favourite route, and fetch my favourite fellow-passenger, Mr Cute HC..and I'm most certainly not willing to sacrifice that magnitude of happiness (:
dysphoria came at 8:02 PM
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The Flying Sis.
Damn drained lately, but it's a fulfilling kinda exhaustion because I've never been more diligent in my life (: There's still LOADS of room for improvement of course, and I'm still striving!
Let this be a quick one then..
Followed Sis around school today to claim her lost stuffs. Yes I was trailing, because she, of the "Speed-Walking Champ" fame, gets so agitated and flustered at the prospect of retrieving her items, she succumbs to her half-walking, half-running mode. So I was observing how terribly endearing this Sis could be from my vantage point. Her head would jerk about in anxiety, her arms would swing rather wildly to propel her forward, her body would bob up and down a lil, and the most intriguing of all, her feet were a blur! Hahahaha. I had a sudden vision of her moving so fast, she sprouted wings on her very cute, bulky Converse bag and flew!
"Hahahahahaha! You walk so fast, I think you'll end up flying one day!" I collapsed in laughter, midway down the stairs. She was so worried, she barely turned back to look, and muttered something like, "Ya ya..I wish to fly man!". So there I was, in my half-crouching, half-standing pose, laughing my head off while she sped away to the General Office. Sisters indeed. Fancy leaving me behind while I was the most susceptible to funny stares from strangers!
It only occured to me now, that Keon walks as fast as her too. Lol. Now this is really funny when you have 2 friends who moves at super-human speeds!
So anyway, today was happy! Not the wild and crazy kinda exciting, but the subtlely cheery kinda spirit-lifting ;) The movie was sweet! Some forgettable, Korean movie which title I really can't recall. Lol. But I need trashy, superficial and silly movies sometimes too! Too much tragic romance/horror makes me an annoying mope.
And to the silly Keon who reads this sometimes, and tried to act mysterious by refusing to tell me how he knew of my obession with NYC- Thanks for today, and for being the nicest friend :)
I've come to realise, maybe it's not the activities of the day that determines my mood, but my attitude. I shall work towards Postivity, like what someone told me long ago. Forget about Fifi, forget about 52, forget about pining for NYC, forget about the stress, forget about my fatal attractions with Zal-because I need my As.
Short-term Goal: Remain positive for the next 90 plus days.
Long-term Goal: Lead the most fulfilling life possible in NYC.
Damn drained lately, but it's a fulfilling kinda exhaustion because I've never been more diligent in my life (: There's still LOADS of room for improvement of course, and I'm still striving!
Let this be a quick one then..
Followed Sis around school today to claim her lost stuffs. Yes I was trailing, because she, of the "Speed-Walking Champ" fame, gets so agitated and flustered at the prospect of retrieving her items, she succumbs to her half-walking, half-running mode. So I was observing how terribly endearing this Sis could be from my vantage point. Her head would jerk about in anxiety, her arms would swing rather wildly to propel her forward, her body would bob up and down a lil, and the most intriguing of all, her feet were a blur! Hahahaha. I had a sudden vision of her moving so fast, she sprouted wings on her very cute, bulky Converse bag and flew!
"Hahahahahaha! You walk so fast, I think you'll end up flying one day!" I collapsed in laughter, midway down the stairs. She was so worried, she barely turned back to look, and muttered something like, "Ya ya..I wish to fly man!". So there I was, in my half-crouching, half-standing pose, laughing my head off while she sped away to the General Office. Sisters indeed. Fancy leaving me behind while I was the most susceptible to funny stares from strangers!
It only occured to me now, that Keon walks as fast as her too. Lol. Now this is really funny when you have 2 friends who moves at super-human speeds!
So anyway, today was happy! Not the wild and crazy kinda exciting, but the subtlely cheery kinda spirit-lifting ;) The movie was sweet! Some forgettable, Korean movie which title I really can't recall. Lol. But I need trashy, superficial and silly movies sometimes too! Too much tragic romance/horror makes me an annoying mope.
And to the silly Keon who reads this sometimes, and tried to act mysterious by refusing to tell me how he knew of my obession with NYC- Thanks for today, and for being the nicest friend :)
I've come to realise, maybe it's not the activities of the day that determines my mood, but my attitude. I shall work towards Postivity, like what someone told me long ago. Forget about Fifi, forget about 52, forget about pining for NYC, forget about the stress, forget about my fatal attractions with Zal-because I need my As.
Short-term Goal: Remain positive for the next 90 plus days.
Long-term Goal: Lead the most fulfilling life possible in NYC.
dysphoria came at 9:39 PM
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Clickety-clickety Clique.
I couldn't love my clique more. We create such funny and embarassing moments, they should be recorded in the NJ's Best Jokers annals.
Like today, I was the first person to spot Free Willy strolling out of the LT, and went "Ha ha ha!". Sista and Nan, being ultra sensitive to my sources of amusement as they hang out around me the most, turned and saw him too. Nan waved a very enthusiastic "Hi!" to him, while Sis burst into a giggling fit with me. Then as we walked away, with FW right behind us, I shouted to Jo, "Hey Jo! Didn't you say he was handsome? Come come, I intro him to you!". There was a moment when pure shock and fear registered on her face before she dragged Xiu and dashed to the front of the crowd. Nan, afraid of being made Target No.2 by yours truly, followed suit (though her cackles were echoing throughout the corridor. So try as she may, she can never escape from being caught laughing.). Sis and I, feeling damn awkward for giggling amongst ourselves, rounded up the running troop...leaving a very puzzled and dazed FW in our wake.
This was how I made my very cute clique flee in terror from someone they barely know.
Sis skipped the make-up Bio lect today and went home early. Barely 5 minutes after she left, I received a very frantic call from her, asking me to help her get her foolscap pad from her GP classroom. 2 minutes later, Nan and I received another SMS, requesting us to search for her lost ez link card and attendance card in the "Pink Toilet". Now I wonder how can a soon-to-be 18 year old be so blur and confused with almost everything! Haha! So after Bio, we trudged up very wearily to the 3rd story classroom, only to find it locked. Halfway around the school later, we entered the "Pink Toilet", only to find that there was a blackout. There was no way we could have searched for her cards there.
This was how Sis made the clique traverse across the entire school grounds to search for her lost stuffs, but to no avail.
During lunch, Sis, Nan and I had prata. Being the suspiciously anorexic one, I took my time with the very offending food. The ever-impatient and fidgety Sis tried to wait for me, but as time passed, Nan couldnt stand her quirky movements anymore, and told her to go on first. As if on a cue, she sped halfway across the canteen to way our bags lay. There was a few seconds when she busied herself with her bag and then finally sat down at a nearby bench. It was very weird, considering that she had wanted to walk off first to refill her water bottle. Why on earth did she want to sit at a bench doing nothing? As Nan and I speculated what would come next, she turned around to look at us. Then, Nan's phone rang.
Dear Sis had called us to inform us she'll be "going off to refill water bottle".
This is how Sis tickles us everyday.
I racked my brain and tried to come up with hilarious things Nan, Jo or Xiu would make the clique do, but there isn't any. Perhaps only the crazy sisters are so immature, so cranky, they have the incredible ability to influence Joker-ship on their peers :))
I think I have the nicest friends in the world. Sometimes when I wear the "You'll Never Walk Alone" tee they gave me during a particularly bleak period, my heart fills with inexplicable warmth, and I tear.
At least there's something from this school that'll remain close to heart always :))
I couldn't love my clique more. We create such funny and embarassing moments, they should be recorded in the NJ's Best Jokers annals.
Like today, I was the first person to spot Free Willy strolling out of the LT, and went "Ha ha ha!". Sista and Nan, being ultra sensitive to my sources of amusement as they hang out around me the most, turned and saw him too. Nan waved a very enthusiastic "Hi!" to him, while Sis burst into a giggling fit with me. Then as we walked away, with FW right behind us, I shouted to Jo, "Hey Jo! Didn't you say he was handsome? Come come, I intro him to you!". There was a moment when pure shock and fear registered on her face before she dragged Xiu and dashed to the front of the crowd. Nan, afraid of being made Target No.2 by yours truly, followed suit (though her cackles were echoing throughout the corridor. So try as she may, she can never escape from being caught laughing.). Sis and I, feeling damn awkward for giggling amongst ourselves, rounded up the running troop...leaving a very puzzled and dazed FW in our wake.
This was how I made my very cute clique flee in terror from someone they barely know.
Sis skipped the make-up Bio lect today and went home early. Barely 5 minutes after she left, I received a very frantic call from her, asking me to help her get her foolscap pad from her GP classroom. 2 minutes later, Nan and I received another SMS, requesting us to search for her lost ez link card and attendance card in the "Pink Toilet". Now I wonder how can a soon-to-be 18 year old be so blur and confused with almost everything! Haha! So after Bio, we trudged up very wearily to the 3rd story classroom, only to find it locked. Halfway around the school later, we entered the "Pink Toilet", only to find that there was a blackout. There was no way we could have searched for her cards there.
This was how Sis made the clique traverse across the entire school grounds to search for her lost stuffs, but to no avail.
During lunch, Sis, Nan and I had prata. Being the suspiciously anorexic one, I took my time with the very offending food. The ever-impatient and fidgety Sis tried to wait for me, but as time passed, Nan couldnt stand her quirky movements anymore, and told her to go on first. As if on a cue, she sped halfway across the canteen to way our bags lay. There was a few seconds when she busied herself with her bag and then finally sat down at a nearby bench. It was very weird, considering that she had wanted to walk off first to refill her water bottle. Why on earth did she want to sit at a bench doing nothing? As Nan and I speculated what would come next, she turned around to look at us. Then, Nan's phone rang.
Dear Sis had called us to inform us she'll be "going off to refill water bottle".
This is how Sis tickles us everyday.
I racked my brain and tried to come up with hilarious things Nan, Jo or Xiu would make the clique do, but there isn't any. Perhaps only the crazy sisters are so immature, so cranky, they have the incredible ability to influence Joker-ship on their peers :))
I think I have the nicest friends in the world. Sometimes when I wear the "You'll Never Walk Alone" tee they gave me during a particularly bleak period, my heart fills with inexplicable warmth, and I tear.
At least there's something from this school that'll remain close to heart always :))
dysphoria came at 6:42 PM
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