Sunday, October 31, 2004
♥ love ya ♥ says:
happy halloween
♥ love ya ♥ memories cant sustain u for life says:
oh ya!!
♥ love ya ♥ memories cant sustain u for life says:
i forgot it's today
♥ love ya ♥ memories cant sustain u for life says:
hahaha
♥ love ya ♥ memories cant sustain u for life says:
happy halloween to ya!
i actually forgot it's halloween today!! it's kinda sad there's no trick-or-treating culture in singapore. i want candy and i wanna be scared so badly! that halloween parteh on friday got me hooked you see. haha.
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damn, the holidays have started.
i feel so much like laughing like a maniac, and never stopping.
it's all mr. 52's fault. argh. i wanna go to school every single day in hope of seeing him, yet do i have any valid excuse? i know that in a blink of an eye, this year will end. when my j2 year commences, i will have a hell of a time adapting. new teachers, new schedules, no more 52.
yes, no more 52.
no more motivation, no more skip of the heartbeat, no more butterflies in the tummy, no more light-as-air feelings, no more eager lookouts for that all too familiar silhouette.
i have his photo placed on my table. the parents have asked me about it, and i simply replied that it was "my senior class's photo". i think they bought the excuse. (: everyday, much against my will, i would sneak a peek at them. oh, his smile. it'd send my heart racing all over, the feeling as familiar as the 2nd day of orientation, 11 months ago.
im back to drowning myself in melancholic love songs. if you were to ask me, i'd say that melancholy is my favourite feeling. not happiness. well it can only be the latter when 52's here...but he cant be. i wonder which weirdo in the world digs sadness as much as me. i'd like to meet him.
oh, im getting about 8 visitors a day. DAMN! it's way too many for my liking. it means a lot of people knowing my inner most secrets, regardless of whether im sufficiently comprehensible. im scared. tho i doubt none of these peeps will actually be closely related to 52, it's kinda unnerving when strangers know you so well.
i cant wait for nov9. a big change's gonna happen, after that freaking irritating OP. you just wait and see (:
love
vicks
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Friday, October 29, 2004
halloween 2004 was ssscccaarrry!!!
all hail to boon, who was unfazed throughout the whole haunted house and haunted tour. she even led the way thru this really, really dark and sinister looking tunnel in the gym! i think it must be from the years of experience of npcc and oac that made her THAT courageous. or maybe she's blessed with bravery, since i was from npcc too, and god, u should have seen how horridly i disgraced meself! (:
do you know i was freaked out just from watching the roughly pieced together video clip the councillors showed us? hahahaha. most of it was from some gothic MV of a jap rock band. feeling damn insecure, i called mangjuin for his company. and he valiantly agreed! even thought he would be the only guy in the group of 5. gosh, we werent even good friends like fifi and i, yet, he was willing to actually provide that sense of security. at that moment, my loathe for fifi began. (will elaborate on that later). so anyway, i was suffering from "jelly legs" even before our entry into the haunted house at the gym. and guess what happened when we entered?
hahahahaha
i grab bed both mangjuin's and boon's hands immediately and hence began my screaming frenzy. yeah, i know it's just fellow students playing with our minds in there, but the unknown scares me like hell. plus im ready to admit anytime that i have a very vivid imagination. too vivid for my own good. i was staring at every sheet of cloth, expecting something to pounce upon us. thinking back, it was damn awkward clinging onto a guy's hand like i did. yeah he may be my classmate, and he's a very very nice person. still, im sure i left a really bad impression.
ya know, i was so afraid when he left suddenly while queueing up for the haunted tour, because he was utterly put off by my irksome behaviour. to my huge relief later, i found out that he wasnt. anyway, we managed to persuade fifi to go on the tour with us, though it was his second time. he agreed, true, but he was totally dreadful! he hinted to us of "would-be frightening stuffs" way too early, causing our anxiety level to rise unnecessarily. he didnt even want to walk beside me when i was afraid! like please, he's such a wimp. there was even once when he dashed behind boon and i because he thought he saw something scary. can you imagine a guy using girls as a shield???????
god, im boiling with rage. trust me to love him so much in the past. he shall be nothing now. and btw kel, will you become like fifi too? i was so hurt tonight. so hurt. i cannot take it if another good friend turns out to be such an uncaring person.
52. hmmm.
i finally summed up my courage, with the egging on of my friends, took not one, but 2 photos from his class. two!! i know it's so horrible. i actually felt no better than a pervert and stalker myself. i think im even fit to be a female version of Stonefish! (still remember him peepS? haha) he's damn yummy, especially in full white, ie his secondary school uniform.
i saw him so many times. i think god was especially kind to me, considering this to be the ultimate last day we would share the same school. he went to the party of course, but fate didnt want to be too kind, so we e mbarked on the tour, haunted house, and dance party at different timings. blah. throughout the whole event, i was scared and sad. i looked at him and i would be overcome with this inexplicable wistfulness. my heart would ache so terribly i was compelled to look away the next second.
it didnt occur to me that today was the last day of school until i was on the way home, contemplating. the last day of my j1 life, the last day we would be official schoolmates. im starting to believe that despite the many crushes i had in the past, it is possible to love someone forever. devotion seems so realistic to me now. so maybe you'd understand now how important those photos are to me. my only physical memory of him.
i've got "Summer nights" playing on loop too. so as long as i've switched on the computer, the song would be playing non-stop. that's his song. it totally belongs to him, as it was in this particular dance that he swept me off my feet. he really likes bottled green tea a lot, so from now on, i will only drink that whenever i can. he signifies summer, so now summer shall be my favourite season. he has such profound love for sports, so now i shall not be turned off, but passionate about sports. everyday, i would log on to friendster to see if he was online for that day. this is a totally unimportant bit of information, but im savouring every scrap of it like a predatore devouring its prey.
a pathetic, love sick, foolish, immature person i am.
*sighs*
i predict this is gonna be the worst holidays of my life.
vicks
ps: i just have to add this. mr yeo was hot in full black (muscle tee!!!)!!!! he was actually the dj up in the sound room. he was ultra cool for a teacher. and i know because i was staring up at him all the time during the dance party. can you imagine a teacher being a dj? haha. the music was fantastic too. he drives a relatively new nissan sunny! haha.
pps: ms tan isnt teaching us anymore. im surprised at my moderate sadness at this. she smsed us VERY suddenly, citing "heavy workload" as the reason. it's pretty apparent how much she likes us, and is proud of our class. haha, im not bragging when i say we're the best S7 class :) i will miss her too. the grimace and forced smiles she put on when we approached her was rather painful to witness. ah but well, i can certainly live with her departure.
so, the last day ended with a BIG BANG!! so many events occured that are so worth remembering.
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Thursday, October 28, 2004
did you guys see sylvester sim on singapore idol tonight??!
oh god. he was absolutely smashin'!!! that voice is simply excellent--smooth and charming. you know that slightly husky voice quality he has when he puts his emotions into the song? i love that so much!
well, cuz 52's voice is something like that. sexxxaaaay and husky. i could listen to it forever (:
speaking of which, im conspiring to steal his class photo, which is rather carelessly strewn about in his class. i've been practising for my dry runs in his classroom you see (i stumbled upon it unintentionally of course!). i thought i saw every single one, when dear qingyang pointed out a new one lying on the table today. i think it was taken during his first 3 months period, and he was equally suave (:
so should i steal it? i need it a lot, really. i believe everyone in that class should own at least a copy of it eh? so it should be alrighty if i take it.
tra-la-la. im rather happy today, cuz it's DA PARTEH tomorrow! and i bought some pretty, pretty hairclips and bands. whheee!
love
vicks
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004
i skipped school just because i couldnt get up (slept at 3am yest) and wasnt in the mood for that dump of a school.
yeah, what great attitude huh?
im still extraordinarily unhappy and grouchy.
i want highlights, a short spiky do', eyeliner and a punk outfit. hell, i just wanna wreck havoc and break away from myself. you know, i think i even have the attitude of a punk now. *nervous laughter*
it has been weeks since the "unspeakables" ended, and im still in the dumps. at times like this, i crave freedom, excitement and new experiences more than anything. gonna do something extreme soon. mark my words.
vicks
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im sad and angry and fidgety. not the best combination in the world evidently. it's a surprise im feeling this way, considering the good comments we received for our oral presentation dry run today.
i was, in ms stacy tan's words:
- loud and clear
- slides are well structered and relevant
- confident
- engages the audience well with constant eye contact
- answer for Q&A requires further evaluation
- good speech (even tho she knew i only practised today.)
notice the absence of "eloquence"? bah!! it's the comment i'd like to receive most, but public speaking irks me tremendously. i'd tremble slightly with anxiety, and would be flushed ( as in feeling DAMN HOT) once it's over. it's undeniable that i write better than i speak. i wonder if this means that i lack wit, and the ability to think quickly. or is it that my brain moves ahead far more quickly than my mouth? hohoho! i forgot to mention that our group was the only one in our class that doesnt hafta re-do dry run. man, u dont know how happy i felt. after months and uncountable times of being slammed by the ever-strict and demanding and uncompassionate and difficult to understand ms stacy tan, she was finally impressed with us! nj138 is the best! yayyyyy! quarelled with mum, which explains the horrid mood. im trying to accomodate her, but she just doesnt understand what makes me happy. hell, she doesnt even know what make me tick! im her daughter for goodness sake. i need to embrace happiness, as you all know..but she's making it so hard for me. zouk!! do you guys know that there's free admission on Oct30 (sat) for party-goers in full costumes? the theme is dracula's revenge i think. damn cliched, but i wanna go!! so people, if u're interested, accompany me ya? sms me or sth. and there's the halloween partehh this fri. am anticipating it like hell. (: it'll be fun, and i can be crazay and laugh like mad pigs with 'em all. vicks
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Monday, October 25, 2004
i should really blog about sat, when unarguably the most happening day this semester happened.
ah well, but im tired. another time perhaps.
and bored...hence this entry.
i love doing quizzes as such. it gets me all excited and i could almost feel my fingers tingle with anticipation. so here goes (:
1. What's the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up? a lawyer
2. Describe a dream you remember? 52 sms-ed me, and how it worked me into a frenzy. yes, even in my dream!
3. What book are you reading? "the 5 people you meet in heaven" by mitch albom
4. What colour are your curtains? day curtain: white. night curtain: off-white
5. What song is in your head right now? "lydia" by fir
6. Waitaminnit... Where are you? mah bedroom!
7. I am afraid of: cockcroaches!!
8. Your dream job: author of travel books
9. What movie have you seen the most times? infernal affairs. im feminist, and i LOVE guys. now you'd imagine how can i possible resist shawn and edison??
10. One question for Jesus or Buddha or Muhammad saw, etc: Can i be reincarnated as me?
11. The guilty pleasure you'd really rather not admit to here: guy-oggling. but everyone knows that.
12. Food of choice: PASTA! SOUFFLE! DUCK CONFIT! ANYTHING FRENCH AND ITALIAN!
13. What's the last video you watched? some dodgy thai horror movie
14. Who do people say you look like? their friend. almost everyone says so!! this mean i have a common face eh? :(:(:(
15. What's the reason of ('for')your existence? to love and receive love.
16. What's the last thing you found on the ground and picked up? dont remember. im usually too lazy to even bend down.
17. A writer worth reading: antoine de-saint exupery
18. Where would you like to grow old? VIENNA! VENICE! VIENNA! VENICE! (there goes my everlasting chant again. heh)
19. A word of wisdom: LOVE!
20. The question you get asked ALL THE TIME!!!: really?!
21. When was your last hospital visit? some months ago.
22. The last thing you said out loud: whoa! how do ya expect me to remeber this? should be something along the lines of "aiyah!" or "sigh...." or "so irritating!" (was doing pw..and still am)
ohk, refer to Qn7. COCKROACHES! whilst discussing really mundane and frustrating pw stuffs at jan's house today, a humongous, raven black creature from hell landed on my arm!! i didnt scream then, for i only saw something black out of the corner of my eye. thinking it was a small bee, i brushed it away absentmindedly. then, the fluttering continued, and cand exclaimed, "there's something fluttering!". i turned in fear to look, and ta-da!! that satan-incarnate was right beside my foot!
hoho! you should have heard the screaming and seen flurry of flailing arms that followed. cand and i were screaming out of mortal terror, while jan was just calmly starring at it. oh god. can you believe i just touched a cockroach? that means i must have made contact with it's feelers, its legs, its wings too!! uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrggghh. thank goodness jan's maid was super efficient and that bodoh-insect met its doom soon enough.
ahhhhh....pw is attempting to do what the promos and the results failed...to kill me. i absolutely hate it, for there's so much to prepare. im half-minded to go on a holiday already, and yet we still have to attend school for such serious stuffs. bleah!
vicks
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Friday, October 22, 2004
i had only a mere 2 hours of school today, and the rest of the day was simply PARADISE.
it all came about when a wacky idea hit me. why not pon school right after "my man's lecture", since the rest of the day would be redundant?? who knows boon eagerly agreed with me, and voila! we created happiness and fun! so u may have realised, i can only truly bring joy to others when everything's alright again. and i've never felt so carefree in my life (: i could just walk outta school without regards, throwing all misery to the wind. i was bouncing..bouncing..bouncin!!
we went to hcjc, and to town of course. dearie lan joined us halfway thru, and what would have made the day more perfect would be the presence of hui. it was such a pity she's always busy with council stuff. (hui: we took neoprints, and we have a super duper special one for ya!). jokers were very subdued today, nothing extraordinary happened. and i blame it on the absence of eye candies. blah!
btw, i love toro. such perfection! fiona xie is such a stunning beauty. im always left awestruck till the end credits to the "the champion" played. she's cute and innocent and bubbly..ahhh! everything guys like about girls, eh? "the champion" has long surpassed "the OC" now. tra-la-la!
you think i am happy? i should be!!
im promoted, with 4 subs! no S papers, but im not complaining!
im happy, arent i?
no.
there's this nagging sense of doubt in me. for the past weeks, i was gearing myself for a new chapter in life. i actually got to the point of anticipating the new, and abondoning my loved ones. for nights, i dreamed and dreamed about the bright, cheery life i would lead in australia.
and poof!
there goes my utopia.
im stuck in this stressful pressure cooker of a school. heaps of homework and equally taxing stuffs will be thrown upon me come next year. then i'll feel caged and choke on sorrow again. i dont expect u guys to understand me. i really am grateful for the chance to start anew in nj. i've never been so glad for having my friends close by me.
it's just that...
im depressed again.
oh god. 52.
52
52
52
52
52
im cold inside out. nothing helps, not even after pills of paracetamol and hiding under layers of blankets.
im sick with yearning.
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
oh dear. do i really affect everyone around me when im sad??
when mr goh revealed the good news to us today, everyone around turned to look at me, and smiled. nan even added, " now, dont you ever cry again even if u fail." haha, i promised her. i already have everything i want, however pathetic and dumb it makes me sound.
when i reached home, i think i got everyone in the house jumping up and down for joy. hohoho!! how i love the proud smiles on their faces! yeah i know it's no big deal to pass every subject, but at least i have a future now :) it's undeniably a little sad that im not aiming to top the cohort, but just to meet promotion requirements. bah...im happy nevertheless. and just like the day of release of o level results, my parents rushed me down to that cosy french restaurant tucked in a corner of paragon. it was a celebration unlike any other, but the euphoria made me so, so dizzy.
im dizzily happy!!
oooohhhh...and im going out with boon tmr!! and there's the halloween party next fri which i'll dream of even in my sleep! the haunted trail and haunted house. whee! i guess nj loves me after all eh? :)
im grateful.
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im not supposed to reveal the news, and i dont intend to betray my dear teachers either. but well, i'll try to be as evident as possible.
finally!!!!! a huge load has been lifted off my shoulder. for the first time since eons, i realised there was the familiar bounce in my footsteps, and the trace of a smile never faded. you see, i dont have to go to australia anymore. i can stay and lead a happy happy life in where i love!!!
this is such great news! i wont be wasting hundereds of thousands for education due to my stupidity. think of what i can do with such money!! holiday eh???
VENICE! VIENNA! VENICE! VIENNA!
oh im so, so happy.
i swear this is the best feeling in the world, being free and unburdened...
celebrate with me guys! (:
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004
" where i belong
where i keep my heart and soul
where dreams come true for us
where we walk together hand in hand
towards a future so far.."
i cried silently on the bus, when tv mobile played this song. well i believe everything happens for a reason, and they wouldnt play national day songs when its nearing halloween ya? it's ,inappropriate, and the atmosphere's wrong!
read and appreciate the lyrics. it means so much to me right now.its so full of love, so full of confidence of the future. singapore. nj. 04s27. those are where i truly belong. i do know my roots. and i love it so. oh nj, nj, u mean so much to me. u're my future, my life. please, dont send me away.
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wow, da great vicks has broken the record again!!
i started crying during the dying minutes of chem and continued till maths tutorial ended.
i couldnt help it. i didnt want people to pity me, or to console me. i wasnt calling out for attention. everyday, i have been putting on a nonchalent facade, and plastered a what i hope was a happy smile. the misery has simply snowballed since the end of promos, and today was the final crunch i guess. every mention of "the unspeakables" has shoved me deep into the endless abyss of despair. thank god those were silent tears, and no one except poor sheng (who was sitting beside me) realised. he's sweet (:
im wondering how will i ever drum up the courage to face the sickening results now. mr goh and mr tan were nice, and im not blaming them for causing my upset. every single thought of next year, and the results depress me immensely. mr goh kept encouraging us, telling us to work harder next time. dont you think his words came a tad to late? i may never get the chance to be dilligent in nj again. in fact, i doubt i can ever enjoy their teachings next year. this really hurts me so. there are certain things in nj i will always love and can never forget.
oh, did you know every time a teacher went through mcq answers with us, i would hastily attempt to erase the answers i scribbled on the question paper? yeah, that's the most precise measure of my terror of the results. ridiculous? it's just me, and i've never been more frightened of an exam in all my life.
mr yeo is getting funnier, friendlier and "smilier" by the day. i cherish him a lot. and should i leave, i will do so with him as my fave teacher (: it's really really painful to treat each lecture with him like it was my last. i'd struggle to hang on to his every word, analyse his gesture, and appreciate his damn charming smiles...in case those will be the last memories of him.
as for 52, ah well...he's gone already. i do see him occasionally, but that's an awfully wrongful obession from the start. it was never meant to be. tho i shall remember him for such memorable times in nj.
im talking as if im leaving for sure. that's what im most afraid of.
i will not succumb to the callings of the blade, but im afraid it's an even worse mental illness this time round. happiness comes, but the few fleeting seconds it lasts isnt always enough to wipe away the pain. i just wish for the old times, is that remotely possible???
vicks
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004
ohk ohk, it's nearing 1am on a school night, and im far from sleepy. heh. that's pretty rare and i figured i might as well do something constructive, such as blogging.
so here goes the "happy" entry i owed! (:
i arrived at school at 11 plus on sat, when the open day was already half over. hoho! it really wasnt my fault, and believe it or not, i wasnt late! yeah, all thanks to the slackers' cca angklung, i only needed to arrive at 11.30am (: it wasnt particularly enjoyable performing and walking around aimlessly with fiona and nanthini, and i so wished i could have done ushering!!! i wanna be a red head like gillian anderson too!! only i had to find my david duchovny, heh.
a million boring moments and a few glimpses of 52 later, what appeared to me to be the climax of open day came. MASS DANCE! yay! every single song, especially "summer nights" reminded me of him, and i was sad again. you know i think i wear my heart on my sleeve, even FW noticed my rather subdued behaviour. [more about FW later] right at that moment, 52 chose to walk past the angklung booth, and i jumped out of my seat immediately. HA HA HA. i was like a jack-in-the-box, and i cant help thinking that he sprang away like a frightened child. so anyway, i was very, very, very disappointed that he didnt at least stay to enjoy the dance. who was the one who mesmerised all the girls with his dancing during orientation? who was the one who was so enthusiastic? who was the one who looked so blissful dancing? god, i only wanted him to stay so i can look at him.
i became more wistful then ever, and began staring blankly in my seat. then FW, who was sitting beside me, turned to me and asked, "do you want to dance?" i was shocked out of my daze, by his attention and question. yes, being the dodo-head and klutz that i am, i nodded in an out-of-sorts manner. then i turned to xiuhui and asked her to dance with me. OH.MY.GOD. i really didnt realise he was asking me to dance with him at that time! i merely thought he told me to go onto to linkway to dance. did you realise i didnt even say "no" to him? god, i just ignored him. it's very humiliating, come to think of it. damn!! there's nothing i can do now but to be as nice to him as possible.
shopping with dear seoks was cool as hell. she made me happy, a long-lost feeling i havent embraced since the promos. we didnt do anything particularly outta the ordinary tho. we sat down a lot, due to useless seoks being too tired. haha. i was carrying her darn guitar for her (i volunteered lah), which was quite embarassing really. oh, i got a rose from a "Sex and the city" promotion, which we plucked out all the petals from. hahaha! they felt so smooth and pretty! i will attempt to bathe in rose petals some time in the holidays. dinner at NYDC rocked! god, the boney cake and 3 amigos pizza! that WAS paradise, tho we left the restaurant with incredibly full tummys and much lighter wallets. now i understand why chocolate is an aphrodisiac. CHOCOLATE! mmmmmm.....someone, faster date me out to NYDC ya?? i wanna go there again!
oh, we bought this top at fox (same design!)..and im beginning to love it more and more (: at taka, i laid eyes on THE SHOES. the super duper cool adidas shoes that ROCKS WITH ATTITUDE! didnt had enough money then, so i went back to buy the following day (aka the day i lost my handphone.*big, big sigh*)
that's about all i can say regarding my veyr short-lived happiness. i swear i will smile EVERYDAY if my hp comes back to me, but it wont anymore. it's gone forever to a person who's hands will rot and mind will drown in caustic acid. i miss it a lot, really. it was so hard to pass time today without looking at my phone once.
then again, maybe that signifies a new beginning. im eyeing new models now (: recommendations are most welcome!
and since this is a happy entry, i will not broach myself on promos results, which will be released on friday. i dont care anymore. i just want to be happy. during this period, i have grown to love melbourne, a lot. so i seriously wouldnt mind if i leave, but well...of course i'd rather stay in nj ya know? here's where i built very wonderful memories after all.
love lots
vicks
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Sunday, October 17, 2004
i meant to type a damn joyous entry about yesterday, when i was truly the happiest soul on earth. it was like a present from above, all the fun and laughter during open day and the shopping trip with seoks after..i loved it.
i cannot bring myself to even think of something happy now tho'. today was meant to be another happy day, for i finally bought THE SHOE. haha, seoks, you should know about that. i really wanna rave about it to you guys, but well, i think i will owe you guys that happy entry now.
something very very dear to me has disappeared. i was so attached to it that i had to hold it everytime to gain a sense of security. i need it every single day in my life. it's a necessity. i've become so hopelessly dependent on it, that now, i think my life is seeping away.
im very very heartbroken. my soul is broken too. no, i cannot cry anymore for my tears and energy is exhausted from the relentless searching and heartache. instead, my smiles are wiped off and every lapse in silence will sent my mind reeling into self-despair. i hate myself for letting it go. oh, you dont know how deeply i was in love with it. i miss it so dearly now, i dont even dare to mention its name.
god is cruel to me. my happiness is never long-lived.
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Friday, October 15, 2004
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
i love u
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
my ears are red
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
why???
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
blushing
?
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
i think
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
HA HA HA AH HA
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
HOW COME?
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
TELL ME
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
i dun wanna say hahaha
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
!!!!!!
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
is it abt her?
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
im hurt!
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
no la
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
u la suddenly say such things
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
not used to it mah
[ ] who wans to put something in here? says:
imagine kelvin saying "i love u" to mi...
♥ love ya ♥ dearest bottled green tea i cant stop thinking says:
HA HA HA HAHA
is it just me, or is that the funniest joke of the century? "imagine kel saying i love you to me". HO HO HO HO HO.
it's the first time i skipped school without a valid reason. unless you count "painful eyes that are glued shut the moment i wake up" and "never-gonna-be-happy-againess" as medical condition. i love breaking the usual mundane routine. it's fun and liberating. most of all, i was kinda cheery today (:
oh, as i was typing this, i made lulu change his nick to "i love you". so now it reads:
[ i love u ] anyone wans to put something in here?
i'd love to make the world a more affectionate place, so no one will ever feel the way i do. i wanna eliminate sadness.
bless me!
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
the depression bug has bitten, and it's deadlier than before.
i wanted so much to leave this weekend. i begged and begged my parents, but they wouldnt allow.
i dont want to stay in singapore anymore. crying is a daily affair, but today, i cannot feel better. im more frightened than ever. this time, im concerned about the 52 affair too. i hate myself for looking down immediately today, when our eyes met. i love him, i really really really really do.
you see? im useless. i cant study. i cant drum up my courage.
i need to be inspired. i wanna embrace arts. i wanna feel the essence of life through music, drama and artworks. i need vienna and venice. im convinced i can find a reason for living there. i thrive on the rich depth of arts and culture. it motivates and touch me to an unspeakable extent. there's nothing in singapore that's worth my pain. you know, should i ever become psychotic one day, i'd rather die. im afraid im already veering on the path of a mental disorder. i see 52 everywhere. shadows chased me on the way home, and i was so scared i was crying. my head hurts so much i think i have a tumour on my left brain.
to live, i must rediscover life again. and to do this, im afraid i cannot stay here. i dont know if a short week or two will work, but i really need a breather from this steam cooker of a country. the faster i leave, the happier i'll be. oh, i really wouldnt mind to miss school for the rest of the year and leave tomorrow!
peeps, i thank you for your concern. please dont ask me about this pathetic rut of a situation im stuck in. i cannot talk about it for fear of breaking down. im sick and tired of sadness.
vicks
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
ze s cube seminar sucked like all other unbearably long dialogue sessions, but the trip to safti was an eye-opener!!
guys in full uniform are SUCH turn-ons!! ok ok, i admit i have this fetish for uniform wearing guys (: All uniforms, but the ncc one. yeah, i have a huge grudge against ncc from my drill competition experiences.
you know, i finally understand (well a little) how tough NS will be for guys (read: im only concerned about 52 (:). the obstacle courses, the heavy burden, the strict schedule and the miles and miles they have to march...wow, im simply in awe of all Singaporean men now. hahaha! the officer cadets are like way cool. it's to do with the charisma and lust-worthy physique. oh, plus the ease and confidence they take on physical challenges with. heh. you know, i can never ever finish even the standard obstacle course in a year. i cant even cross the big canal, which everyone did with ease, without the help of sheng!! you should have heard all the squealing i made. but really, i'd rather do a million suicide windows and rope obs than cross big canals. im made to be feminine! i simply cannot and wont open my legs that wide!
it's nice to imagine life in safti. it's so different from what im going through now. and i think i totally dig stuffs that are vastly different from me. take 52 for example. i think im still this interested in him because i can never fathom his life and thoughts. i could read him forever and ever like a book and not grow tired because understanding is unattainable. the more i walked around the 88 hectares of compound, the more my curiousity grew. if only i could dig out every tiny detail and experience officer-training for myself! it's so much like npcc training, and i bet with some determination and motivation, i can survive the whole NS term! hmph, so do not belittle me (: and anyway, im gonna embark on a new obsession with army officers (: commandoes especially! i aim high, heh. did you know some of the cadets have such BEAUTIFUL forearms! it's damn SEXAAY! well-toned with faint traces of bluish veins. sexy arms and uniform, ahhhhh...let me dream...
im damn determined to build up my fitness too. NOBODY believes im in npcc! wahhhhhhhhh! im tanned enough ohk! it's just my face that refuses to turn bronze and rosy at the cheeks. ): im really really sad cause NP the only proud memory i have of damned nhss. by december, im gonna have a toned bod. like fiona xie's. did you guys watch the trailers for "the champions"? yeah, i wish to be as hot as her. hoho, do i hear "fat chance" echoeing all around?
(:
i cried today again. stupid mr fuad briefly touched on promos during his long speech to angklung members. how dare he even suggest sending us to polytechnics when we are retained! the second those nightmarish words rolled out from his mouth, i gasped in shock. rather loudly. haha. tears formed, and it was all i could do not to cry in front of everyone. i wonder if it's gonna be an everyday affair, but thank god each time i cry, i'd feel much better, tho extremely exhausted and restless.
oh if you read this eunice, i thank you.
xoxo
vicks
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
oh before i forget, here's something useful to share...
i took my favorite bus, 156 home today, and was thoroughly rewarded.
i love taking 156 for it goes through the rows and rows of beautiful, sprawling houses along 5th and 6th avenue. i'd craned my neck to admire and give my mind a free rein on whatever fantasies it wishes to have. most of the time tho, i'd stare in awe at the colossal orange bungalows that lie at the top of 6th avenue's hill and imagine another happier life i cannot have.
so anyway, the bus looked different today. the handle of every seat is wrapped up with green mini-cushions reminiscent of a surgeon's coat. and at the back of each seat, is a board of the same green, with huge words in bold:
WAYS TO RELAX YOURSELF
it caught my eye of course, so i squinted, and read it eagerly.
1) Neck rotation
2)Shoulder rotation
3)Leg raise
4)Calf stretch
5)Go on a holiday with SilkAir.
HA HA HA HA. interesting way of advertising eh? it certainly caught my curiousity and attention. argh, product promotion. reminds me of econs! NO....
oh, FYI, i will be practising the above techniques when panic and depression plagues me. will inform you guys whether it works (:
vicks
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mah online routine is rather similar to lanxiu's. i check hui's blog, her blog, and my blog for tags ( in random order, depending on my mood). after reading hui's latest entry today, my fingers were trembling so badly when i tagged her, that i had to take a breather outside my room.
hahahahahaha.
take a guess (if u have yet to read) what her post was all about!
it's my man! mr yeo!!!
dearest hui chatted with him on msn. MSN! oh god bless me. the only teacher i know who uses that is idiotic peh, who isnt totally a teacher at all. MY MAN IS JUST SO HIP, COOL AND IN TOUCH WITH TIMES! im loving him more (: im fatally jealous of hui too. he's in charge of her committee, FBU, so they get to communicate a million times. oh god. i'd die of nervousness if i ever have to talk to him face to face. think about what would happen to me if i saw him on msn!!! my fingers would suffer from uncontrollable fits, i will break out in cold sweat, and collapse even before i msg him!
**oh, remind me to blog about my ideal man next time**
anyway, this leads me to the green tea issue. hmm, it's kinda boring blogging about it, but well, for memory's sake! yest, i saw him slurping from a can of pokka's green tea, looking as cooly non-plussed as always. later, i saw bobby holding a bottle of the same green tea, and mumbled to nanthini, " oh he's spoiling the image of green tea! he cant drink that, only mr yeo can!" . i think bobby heard it cuz he shot me a dirty look and didnt say hi to me): i was merely joking tho. and today, i saw dear 52!!!!! my boy! he was at the linkway, looking at a bunch of students playing carrom.
he was wearing specs!! not a big deal anymore, but i love guys who look good in glasses. he saw me, and i saw him. it's becoming like irritating re-runs on teevee. i'd look down and walk on nonchantly, and he'd sneak a peek. then i'd turn back and look at his backview. today, i saw him clutching a bottle of said green tea. hohoho! that tortured me all the time during angklung that i couldnt take it anymore, and made nanthini rush down with me to the canteen to buy a bottle of green tea. notice it's a bottle, not a can. bottles are more appealing, and make me happier (implied meaning eh!).
ah! the sweet, sweet simple joy of drinking green tea! it's my fave drink from now on (:
the same constricting feeling bugged me today, but i was much much relieved of pain. leadership talk and arts performance made my eyelids droop. it was angklung practice that gave me the closest feeling of the old times. it was SO wonderful teasing nanthini about random guys (esp willy and brother-in-law) and bitching about a common close friend. im thinking it was 52 that helped me tide over the pain. nevermind that i have this irritating friend that keeps stressing us out with constant whinings about promos, because i had something to smile about.
so please please please, try to understand my sentiments and refrain from mentioning the unspeakables in front of me ya? regarding that irritating friend, i cannot avoid her for she is part of my clique. nan and i were SO exasperated that we could just vomitted our guts out! i will try to "overlook one's flaws and shortcomings". effective leadership eh! (:
i dread friday. that's when normal lessons resumes and i will be reminded of the unspeakables to no end.
maybe i should just skip school altogether.
love
vicks
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Monday, October 11, 2004
im done for.
i can never ever be happy again.
saturday was meant to be the last day of hell, and the beginning of a new life. thus i embarked on a journey of self-discovery. sounds nice and deeeppppppp eh? i wanted to feel in touch with my self again, to find a state of mind that would bring me closest to utopia, and to be able to smile right from my heart.
i watched movies. 2 in fact, Resident Evil2 and Wimbledon. those are my favorite genres mind you! horror and romance. how i would love to contemplate and think about the wonders of make-up lives after movies, but i just couldnt think. well i correct that, i couldnt think of anything outside of promos. watching a movie would keep me smiling hours and hours on, i used to feel my mind being blissfully full. i would be contented.
you know, i miss contentment. i am but an empty shell. i cannot feel happiness, and this scares me so. can i not smile again? can i never, ever laugh from true delight? can i never have the feeling of anticipation and excitement that i thrived on?
not even shopping helps. I LOVED SHOPPING! that was the best cure for my state, but it too, failed. i had the funnest day with rose, we talked, we laughed, we cried a little, we bonded like we used to. i wanted so dearly to spend money, to buy pretty products that can at least take my mind off unhappy thoughts, but nothing caught my eye. i was very very disinterested you see. nothing else occupies my thoughts as much as that "unspeakables". it was comforting to know that rose understands, and is going through the same situation as me. we are so tired that sleeping for a million years wouldnt help.
we are simply sick of education.
i discussed with rose about the australia thingy, and gosh, she knows me so well. so well....i love her (: she said it would be a worthy experience, and i would enjoy the fun and excitement. she understands how a different education system would ease all my suffferings. most importantly, she knew i would be happy there. in fact, that is really what i think now. what's holding me back is the friends and the exhorbitant sum i'll siphon away.
well today is games fest. we should be happy and jolly and running around with cheers and delighted smiles. im sorry but i cannot. the moment i stepped into the prison of a school, i could really feel my chest constricting. i was blinking so furiously to hold back my tears. i struggled to think of happy thoughts to keep the "unspeakables" at bay, but they keep creeping back! i wanted to run away and never to return. the school repulses me so much with its atmosphere of gloom and dread, whether self-imposed or not. and of course i can smile. i can even laugh and say im happy. im so used to putting up a facade so that people wouldnt be too concerned, that it's all natural now.
you know, after the games today, when my clique was contemplating whether to go shopping and skip the gp games altogether, i was ALL for ponning the games. i'd love to walk on and on, away from this prison. i'd love to break free, to embrace the revitalising breath of life nj never gives me. when they wanted to return to school, you dont know how painful it was for me. it was like a bird being set out of a cage and then got shot to death by a hunter. death.
it was the first time i broke down in front of anyone in school. there will be many more unhappy first times to come. maybe my first suicide attempt? hohoho. that would be bliss for me.
im crying everyday to my family. i dont think even my mum understands my pain. can you imagine what it feels like to never be happy again? im scared. it means i will have no more motivation and dreams. then life wouldnt be worth living anymore.
im so, so scared.
[sick of life when im only 17]
vicks
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Friday, October 08, 2004
crying marathons kill. my eyes hurt so much i cant barely open em. im so tired, im giving up on tomorrow's bio spa all in all.
i just couldnt resist a visit to the temple just now. i was at bugis, it was reminiscent of that horrid period before release of o level results, when chus i and wandered to the temple for a sense of security. im fiercely religious and superstitious when it comes to things beyond my control, in this case, my results. so, i not only prayed, but i "drew lots" as well. you know, there's a cup of sticks where u have to shake it continuously until a stick fell out.
yeah, i know im a superstitious old hag. education and modernisation has done nothing to change me. heh.
a stick fell out.
i threw the two kidney shaped red discs.
they were different.
i went to exchange my stick for my fortune.
and i cried.
i only understood bits and pieces from the disconnected chinese phrases. and it wasnt good. a bad lot means i wont be blessed. it means im on my own, cuz my own god has forsaken me. it means i most prob cannot pass, since im helpless when left to my own devices.
i was crying all the way home, it was embarassing. i wanted to stop, but i couldnt. everytime i begin to think of school, there'll be this choking feeling in my throat, and my heart would be squeezed by some mysterious force.
i should stay at home as much as possible from now on. i think at least a quarter of singapore's population saw my fugly, weeping face. hahahahahahahahaha. i'd rather having the whole of singapore seen me cry then get retained. trust me, my future is THAT important to me.
i should go to the church some time soon. my dad's a christian you see, and i've never ever been baptised, but well, my aunts used to bring me to churches during childhood. oh dont you dare think im disloyal or faithless. it is my firm believe that there's only a supreme being that rules us. different religions only arose from the differences in cultures and traditions. there is only one god, at least in my opinion.
ah, if god doesnt help, nobody else will. the teachers will be as ruthless as Satan, and i will be left begging for mercy at their feet.
i'll be praying most fervently from now on.
vicks
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tra la la. the exams have officially ended, and im gonna shop my life away! (:
it's gonna be a happy, happy life from now on, until the release of results. oh, as of now, i have 1.5 months to decide the fate of my education. it's a hell of a long time, so guys, i will contemplate on it even in my dreams.
im gonna go aust in dec!!! yay!!! melbourne is okay, tho i'd so dearly wish to watch some impressive, classy performance at the sydney opera house. gold coast was darn fun the last time i went (: anyway, melbourne it shall be, so i can find out if it's the perfect refuge. i need to adapt, no? sad thing is, i cannot afford the time for korea. i had been fantasising about the shroud of romance and wistfulness that seem to envelop the whole country, and wishing i could experience it myself. then maybe, i can fall into a very very exciting web of love, a la "my sassy girl" . (: alas! dreams will always be dreams. they'll be fulfilled some day tho.
is it just me, or does everyone have this crazy urge to splurge once exams end? my fingers are so itchy now...to give away notes, and to fondle with pretty purchases (:
i shall indulge.
vicks
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Thursday, October 07, 2004
fifi and i
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i love you. im forced by circumstances dear. says:
haiya
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i love you. im forced by circumstances dear. says:
can we go out some time?
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i love you. im forced by circumstances dear. says:
i wanna talk to u abt a lot and a lot of things
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i love you. im forced by circumstances dear. says:
and i owe u a present
(*_*) says:
k maybe we can go out and eat
(*_*) says:
then talk
(*_*) says:
this coming week end
(*_*) says:
k?
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i love you. im forced by circumstances dear. says:
i love you!
(*_*) says:
haha
i was so tempted to tell fifi about my life. i miss him so much. we havent talked to each other for a long time, i was so afraid he forgot about me. then again, im thinking the less people know about my circumstances, the better. i need him, to bully, to support me, to console me, to tell me everything will be alright. i need him more than 52.
lanxiu and i
♥ love ya ♥ you know that i'll miss you, don't leave says:
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies i grey
you'll never know, dear
how much i love you
so please dont take my sunshine away
♥ love ya ♥ i wanna love you. but u arent helping. at all. says:
oh i love that song!
♥ love ya ♥ i wanna love you. but u arent helping. at all. says:
u're gonna make me cry every nite
from now on, "you are my sunshine" shall become one of my favourite songs.
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i love nj SO much, and it ways you'd never know.
before the release of o level results, i remember doing really superstitious stuffs, like praying every night, going to the temple to "draw lots" with chus, just so that i can stay in nj. i love it. it wasnt my dream school, but i have such wonderful friends here, it more than makes up for it. i was as happy as a lark here.
Oh, those carefree, happy days. i miss them so.
10 months later, i realised my feelings for nj arent reciprocated. it loathes me. i cannot cope in such stressful moments, with muggers all around me, adding to the tension. it's papers are tough as hell. the exam schedule nearly killed me. im not exaggerating. i was on the verge of a breakdown. i fell sick so many times, it cost my parents a huge fortune. i cried every night, i woke up with aching eyes.
you see, it's not that i dont want to remain. i so dearly wish for things to return to normal. do you know how much i wish for life in nj to be happy again? i merely want happiness. nj is trying it's best to destroy my future.
the promos was the last straw.
i wont explain my reasons for wanting to enter trinity, or migrating to aust. because that means i'll most likely be heading there. I. DONT. WANT TO. i sure hope i wont be forced to either...but that depends on nj, doesnt it? oh, my results. they're so darn important.
why im filled with this inexplicable happiness when i try to imagine my life in trinity? i could almost feel the sun, the smiles, the laughter, things always absent in nj. '
running away from my love hurts a hell lot. it means denying it's presence, pushing it away. if love turns to shame, it means i must leave.
vicks
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mum: " hey, the college just called me."
me: "okay."
mum: "you're accepted."
me: "okay."
i say, isnt trinity a tad too eager? in just 18 hours, they have processed my application. it wants me, whereas im just seeking it as a refuge from hell in nj.
i've never felt such pain in my life. i cannot be strong in the face of humiliation. i cannot be strong if i were to leave either.
maybe if i just curl up in bed and close my eyes, this nightmare will be over. no more promos, no more trinity college. i'll be back living my happy life in nj.
to all those who care, i love you. a lot.
[im not leaving for sure yet. please, dont let me affect you.]
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Wednesday, October 06, 2004
trinity college is in victoria, melbourne. haha. victoria goes off to victoria. doesnt it sound fun?
trinity has such a nice sounding ring to it too. ohhhh...and the campus is BEAUTIFUL. it's so english and romantic!! then again, any dilapidated ruin will do fine for me, after nj. heh.
aust has roxy and ripcurl!! i get to enjoy lower prices for their pretty, pretty products.
i think caucasians are generally a bunch of fun and out-going people. i dont have to worry about them being introverted muggers. i dont have to worry about not having a single company when im stressed as hell. they will be more sensitive to what im going through.
you see, i'll be happier there.
but
when i think of lan and hui and boon and the many other best friends i have, i'll cry non-stop. oh i feel so selfish for the sorrow im creating here. i cant help thinking im only escaping from the mess i've created. im pursuing happiness at the expense of my friends' happiness. im getting real good at this. when something bad crops up, i turn my head in the other direction, and run. the further i get from it, the better. am i running???
IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I LEAVE.
my fingers are trembling in anger as i type this. sigh. i dont wish to dwell upon negative feelings. it all boils down to nj. 2 EFF-ING PAPERS IN A DAY. FOR TWO DAYS IN A ROW. i was so close to death. such mental and physical torture. something in me just broke then, and i really felt the need to move away from this hell.
lets just see how horrid my promos results can get first. hoho.
vicks
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i just arrived home from a 3hr long consultation with some counsellor at the IDP.
and.......
oh you better get ready for this.
out of the spur of the moment, i sent in my application form . im sure to get accepted too, cuz well, the requirements arent exactly that demanding.
so, it's one year of foundation studies at Trinity College, and then im off to Uni of Melbourne.
oh dear, what have i done huh?
i so frickin sealed my future when i sent in that form!!!!! have the unbearable stress affected me so much that i lost my mind? have my hunger for new challenges and experiences changed my view of leaving my homeland?
no one seems to be against my leaving anyway. my family seems particularly enthusiastic that i leave singapore. hurhur. i think when im stressed and emotional, i affect my whole family too. maybe they understand my pain and mental torture in nj. yeah, at least i have support when i leave here. (:
but still, do you guys think my decision is too sudden?
haha.
my promos sorta ended yesterday, and today, i've already made to decision to leave the school i loved so much. (note the past tense). you can understand the devastating impact of promos on me now, cant you? i'll face retention ( that's 100% guaranteed) if i remain in nj. imagine the shame, shame and shame! imagine the emotional wreck i'll be if my friends are promoted without me!!
im quite positive of what i want . i may change my mind, cuz well i can never bear the pain of goodbyes. am not sure. there's so many stuffs left hanging in the air now, but im still happier than i've been in a long time.
please dont blame me for choosing to leave (read: lan, it's you especially!), celebrate my new-found happiness with me, ya?
lotsa love,
vicks
(questions along the lines of "why aust?" , "why uni of melbourne?" and "why now?" will have to wait. i need a million years of enchanted sleep to return to my original state of mind. still feeling damn depressed and stupid.)
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Monday, October 04, 2004
people are super nice to me when im ugly.
will elaborate more after promos (:
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Sunday, October 03, 2004
oh god. you let me remain in nj, when i loved it so. im grateful for that.
will you let me be promoted too? please, oh please. i dont wanna drop a subject, and im too scared to even think of the humiliation of being retained.
please....it's all i want now.
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tommorow, and the day after decides my fate. it determines my future, whether it should be brilliant or deserved to be thrown down the canal.
is it fair? in just 2 days, we will fight for all our worth, and then stand back to see what will become of us. 9months of work in just 2 days!!! i dont know about the other incredible muggers in my class, but i certainly cant survive that. as such, i wont be touching on everything in the syllabus. will this lead to failure? will this lead to retention, something that im so terribly petrified of?
lets see.
it's no use to proclaim my hatred for njc. it's no use to wish that i were in another school. sigh. im praying fervently almost every second in the day. i've never been so afraid. even the days before my O levels were spent on sleep and play. hell, i didnt even give a damn when the day of exams came!! but now? i woke up this morning with trembling hands. i couldnt breathe. i cried.
what's to become of me tomorrow? please god, i dont want a break down. i want a calm mind and good results. i dont deserve all that, i know. but.... please help me...it's my future, my life at stake.
SIGH. death has crept up so silently upon us.
vicks
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Saturday, October 02, 2004
20 Questions to a Better Relationship eXpressive: 10/10Practical: 5/10Physical: 3/10Giver: 6/10
You are a XPIG--Expressive Practical Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Catch. You are a magazine-cover, matinee idol dreamboat. Parents love you and want to set you up with their kids. However, first dates are tough because it takes time for your qualities to come out. You are generous and kind. You think first and act later. You are cool in a conflict, but your practical side means if your partner throws out emotional appeals ("why can't we do what I want for a change?") they will grate on your nerves, even when the conflict is resolved. You're a romantic. You enjoy the thrill of the hunt, and you don't just fall into bed with anyone. You pay close attention to your significant other's needs, and this makes you an excellent lover and partner. The problem is that your friends and lovers may find it so easy to express things to *you* that they lose sight of whether you feel as comfortable with *them*! This doesn't necessarily make you feel under-appreciated -- you're too well-adjusted and self-aware for that -- but you may feel restless. Thus you seek adventure in your life outside the relationship to prove and actualize yourself. Of all the types, you would make the best parent. You are coiffed. Didja see "Big Fish"? 'Cause you're like Ewan MacGregor in "Big Fish."Of the 116625 people who have taken this quiz, 9.1 % are this type i started this blog for it to be my venting outlet. i predicted the misery i would be in for when i started to fall for him. it's hard to be entirely truthful to people about such intimate affairs, and as you all know, i've always clammed up about personal issues. as such, only writing would help minimise my pain. i've dutifully recorded every single meeting with him, every emotion that coursed through my veins, every thought that wrecked my mind. this blog has now become so private and personal i daren't show anyone anymore. i think, i should stop being so painfully honest. no, no one wants to read mushy, naive love stories. i had hoped, that by the 100th entry, he would be erased from my life, and i could be emotionally free again. heh. such naivete! it's the 103th now, and he's still the world to me. im starting to think that you can never stop loving someone. never. yes, you may get over the obsession with him, but deep down, there's bound to be an inkling of affection. the day he graduates would be the last time i see him. however, if 10 years down the road, destiny decides to be cruel and let us meet again, i cannot remain unaffected. i cannot be nonchalent and say he means nothing to me anymore. i cannot forget the entire ride i took. i will be sad all over again and mourn my unattractiveness. i will feel for him. everytime you fall in love, you grow up a little. yes, i've matured, but i've become so much more of a pessimist. oh nevermind! maybe i should set another target. maybe by the 200th entry i will be free? heh. dont go skeptical on me! vicks
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Friday, October 01, 2004
yesterday was a thursday. all thursdays are fun and excitable.
however, i didnt meet 52. it puzzled me so, for we met at the library every thursday. it was my fortune, and his misfortune of course. then it struck me. he must have realised that im always staking out at the library during free time and after school, and thus avoid that area altogether, however much he seems to love it. HA HA HA. i guess it must be worth giving up that sense of familiarity the library provides, just to avoid a fugly, screaming, stalker-ish monster like me. well good luck to him.
im so timid and awkward in front of guys im attracted to, however mild it is!!! math remedial was a perfect opportunity for me to talk to mr yeo, but try as i might, i just couldnt open my mouth in front of him. it has become my speciality just to ogle helplessly at such specimen until the attraction fades. ooooohhhhhh, the most interesting part came when he leaned over my shoulder (!!!!!) and asked, "so do you have any problems?". "no....", was my meek reply. " then don't copy the answers lah! try to attempt them yourself." "ok...". with that, he turned and talked to the guy beside him. OH MAN. look how i just wasted my chance?
blah.
he was SO close tho'. hahahahaha. im sorry. shouldnt have such thoughts about a respectable teacher.
he's smart. maths is a total turn off for me. i cant believe how he manages to solve a vector question in just 5 steps!!! he skipped so many steps, that i couldnt even comprehend what the heck vectors was about. ah, that's because im dumb as hell, while he's brilliant as einstein. i wanna impress him by scoring top marks for math. i wanna be good in math too. i wanna show him i can improve too. can i tho? it's near impossible.
i realised math teachers are the fun-nest teachers around. nope, it isnt biology, or econs, or even chem. MATHS! boring ol' math teachers are fun and humourous. i loved mr tan yesterday for he was SUPER nice to me for once. mr teo too. (: i shall try to self-induce my love for maths as such.
why am i so ugly and awkward?
sigh.
i need confidence lah.
and something else to add, i only reached mr yeo's neck!! i jokingly walked past him today so joanne could compare our heights. hohoho! that means im only up to 52's shoulders! the giant and the dwarf!
back to ugliness. it's to do with my hair. it's always that untamed. it doesnt obey my styling. i don't smile enough.i frown almost every second. i have this pissed-off look on my face like the whole world owes me a living, that im an instant repulsion. URGH. i wanna look like this particular girl in school. she brings the sun along with her. she smiles ALL the time, thus illuminating her entire being. plus, 52's extremely close with her. long, slim legs too. brown, silkly, tamed locks. the direct opposite of me.
how ah? i wanna be radiant too!
SIGH. SIGH. SIGH.
am i really that ugly and dumb or not? or is it just an awkward phase of puberty? hahaha. does puberty arrive that late? i think im destined to be like that all my life lah. it's a sad life, like what i always say.
vicks
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