Her Fate Was Sealed.
Oh, I realised I havent blogged about what happened one year ago eh? When I was compelled to live through the nightmarish day when my fate was sealed. It's funny I dont really recall much of it, or perhaps the pain that comes attached to it is not worth recalling.
I knew there were loadsa tears, smiles and laughter. I couldnt study the entire half day I was at school. Darling Chus was the only one I wished to open my stoned lips to. The last lesson I had was PE, which was coincidentally the last lesson I ponned in NJ. Hoho. We sat at the grandstand, watching on as my class played Captain's Ball. We cringed and whined everytime we received a sms tip-off of our class results. We took turns to tear. We took turns to grab each other with our clammy hands in silence, each lost in our private prayers.
When school finally took mercy on us, and ended, both of us silly girls made a mad dash for the temple at Bugis. We were terrified outta of our minds, lost and confused. I remember glancing back at NJ, thinking it will be the last time I could truly say "Im an NJCian". I remember how homely and welcoming the compound looked, and how my heart ached with worry. It was then that I told myself, Im deeply in love with NJ, my wonderful class, and 52. I cannot leave no matter what, because my life depended on it. Oh, how full of love I was then.
We were the only 2 students at the temple. It was quite a hilarious sight, us kneeling down with our bulky schoolbags, and praying fervently with the joss-sticks clasped tightly in our sweaty palms. I can laugh now, but then, I could only cry. I promised the Gods I would forever be grateful, diligent and a good person if I could remain in the place I loved. Praying did provide a slight sense of security, but there can never be enough praying. Haha. I had a very healthy appetite then too, because despite my complains of "having no appetite", I finished an entire MacD's meal, while Chus watched on.
When we arrived at Nanhua reluctantly, we avoided as many people as we could. I guess not many would understand our weird temperaments, because fear and anxiety transformed us into anti-social freaks. Im so fortunate to have Chus, because there wasnt anyone else in the world I would talk to and share the moment with. There was so much waiting, that I felt that the end of the world would be a much better option. My insides churned with worry, my skin was permanently covered in a film of cold sweat, and my limbs were numb. Everything was blurry until the moment I saw my name on the PowerPoint slides. God, it was the best feeling on earth. Ever. It was as if I didnt have to worry or be sad for the rest of my life, because I will enjoy happy days in the NJ I loved.
I cried so horribly then, because the emotions were running high. I remember the hugging, the shaking of hands, the congratulatory words and smiles and the frantic calls I made. More tears poured as they took a photograph of us, and friends and those that I've never spoken to before offered their warm wishes. There was even more laughter, when I realise I've got an A1 for my HCL. A1!!!! What a joke. That was the best proof ever that exams are never fair. How can an ardent Chinese-hater, one who plotted Anti-Chinese riots and protests during every Chinese lesson, achieved an awe-inspiring A1???
Oh well. That was my happiest moment that I ever lived.
The frickin irony life casts upon me. I prayed so hard, and would gladly exchange all my belongings, to remain in NJ...but now, Im suffering like a sinner. It was as if I had prayed to suffer one year ago. I prayed for the heartache, the desolation, the stress, the friendship problems and the missing out on overseas scholarship. I prayed to ruin my dreams of attending my dream university, and maybe my life too.
Maybe if all the people that mattered to me remained in NJ, I wouldnt be like this. But it's all destined isnt it? It's destined that I'm a ghetto-girl whose life depend on Prozac, and will no longer differentiate the right from the wrong.
I dont know if it's right that I pray for Bear, Dudu and Benny now. Im not sure if the school will repulse them as much as it repulses me, but for my own selfish reasons, I need them to stay. Especially Bear, whom I've grown very fond of.
How can I be happy? I've been thinking. I laugh, only to stop myself the next moment, because it's so fake, it disgusts me. I smile and then retreat my lips into a scowl, because I look like cheap plastic. My heart throbs with pain, but who will understand?
Tears are her only friend. They're the only thing that's real in her life, and will glady keep her company when lonliness and panic invade every single day.
At least she's not entirely friend-less. Not really. Hahaha.
Nice comic eh? I can totally relate to it. One day I shall be so caught up with misery just as how Ninja is caught up with the spiders, and turn into the grotesque, unrecognisable living dead. Ninja and I will be the best friends in the world, because only he will not despise my fugliness.
Oh, I realised I havent blogged about what happened one year ago eh? When I was compelled to live through the nightmarish day when my fate was sealed. It's funny I dont really recall much of it, or perhaps the pain that comes attached to it is not worth recalling.
I knew there were loadsa tears, smiles and laughter. I couldnt study the entire half day I was at school. Darling Chus was the only one I wished to open my stoned lips to. The last lesson I had was PE, which was coincidentally the last lesson I ponned in NJ. Hoho. We sat at the grandstand, watching on as my class played Captain's Ball. We cringed and whined everytime we received a sms tip-off of our class results. We took turns to tear. We took turns to grab each other with our clammy hands in silence, each lost in our private prayers.
When school finally took mercy on us, and ended, both of us silly girls made a mad dash for the temple at Bugis. We were terrified outta of our minds, lost and confused. I remember glancing back at NJ, thinking it will be the last time I could truly say "Im an NJCian". I remember how homely and welcoming the compound looked, and how my heart ached with worry. It was then that I told myself, Im deeply in love with NJ, my wonderful class, and 52. I cannot leave no matter what, because my life depended on it. Oh, how full of love I was then.
We were the only 2 students at the temple. It was quite a hilarious sight, us kneeling down with our bulky schoolbags, and praying fervently with the joss-sticks clasped tightly in our sweaty palms. I can laugh now, but then, I could only cry. I promised the Gods I would forever be grateful, diligent and a good person if I could remain in the place I loved. Praying did provide a slight sense of security, but there can never be enough praying. Haha. I had a very healthy appetite then too, because despite my complains of "having no appetite", I finished an entire MacD's meal, while Chus watched on.
When we arrived at Nanhua reluctantly, we avoided as many people as we could. I guess not many would understand our weird temperaments, because fear and anxiety transformed us into anti-social freaks. Im so fortunate to have Chus, because there wasnt anyone else in the world I would talk to and share the moment with. There was so much waiting, that I felt that the end of the world would be a much better option. My insides churned with worry, my skin was permanently covered in a film of cold sweat, and my limbs were numb. Everything was blurry until the moment I saw my name on the PowerPoint slides. God, it was the best feeling on earth. Ever. It was as if I didnt have to worry or be sad for the rest of my life, because I will enjoy happy days in the NJ I loved.
I cried so horribly then, because the emotions were running high. I remember the hugging, the shaking of hands, the congratulatory words and smiles and the frantic calls I made. More tears poured as they took a photograph of us, and friends and those that I've never spoken to before offered their warm wishes. There was even more laughter, when I realise I've got an A1 for my HCL. A1!!!! What a joke. That was the best proof ever that exams are never fair. How can an ardent Chinese-hater, one who plotted Anti-Chinese riots and protests during every Chinese lesson, achieved an awe-inspiring A1???
Oh well. That was my happiest moment that I ever lived.
The frickin irony life casts upon me. I prayed so hard, and would gladly exchange all my belongings, to remain in NJ...but now, Im suffering like a sinner. It was as if I had prayed to suffer one year ago. I prayed for the heartache, the desolation, the stress, the friendship problems and the missing out on overseas scholarship. I prayed to ruin my dreams of attending my dream university, and maybe my life too.
Maybe if all the people that mattered to me remained in NJ, I wouldnt be like this. But it's all destined isnt it? It's destined that I'm a ghetto-girl whose life depend on Prozac, and will no longer differentiate the right from the wrong.
I dont know if it's right that I pray for Bear, Dudu and Benny now. Im not sure if the school will repulse them as much as it repulses me, but for my own selfish reasons, I need them to stay. Especially Bear, whom I've grown very fond of.
How can I be happy? I've been thinking. I laugh, only to stop myself the next moment, because it's so fake, it disgusts me. I smile and then retreat my lips into a scowl, because I look like cheap plastic. My heart throbs with pain, but who will understand?
Tears are her only friend. They're the only thing that's real in her life, and will glady keep her company when lonliness and panic invade every single day.
At least she's not entirely friend-less. Not really. Hahaha.
Nice comic eh? I can totally relate to it. One day I shall be so caught up with misery just as how Ninja is caught up with the spiders, and turn into the grotesque, unrecognisable living dead. Ninja and I will be the best friends in the world, because only he will not despise my fugliness.
dysphoria came at 6:52 PM
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What I Dream of Almost Every Night
If one chooses to read it on the surface, it's frickin hilarious. But, if like me, you're torn and nursing a lacerated heart, this endearing comic speak volumes.
If one chooses to read it on the surface, it's frickin hilarious. But, if like me, you're torn and nursing a lacerated heart, this endearing comic speak volumes.
dysphoria came at 3:38 PM
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Things I Really Really Have to Get Outta My Overloaded Heart
Listening to the most tragic and bleak songs in the world only alleviates the pain TEMPORARILY. 3 songs per mood swing would do just fine for me. But we all know how incredibly obstinate and indulgent I am with myself, dont we? I practically begged my friends to send more sad songs to me, and thus listened to them the whole of Friday night (in addition to my very vast library).
Listening to the most tragic and bleak songs in the world only alleviates the pain TEMPORARILY. 3 songs per mood swing would do just fine for me. But we all know how incredibly obstinate and indulgent I am with myself, dont we? I practically begged my friends to send more sad songs to me, and thus listened to them the whole of Friday night (in addition to my very vast library).
The horrid, heartwrenching mood carried on till yesterday morning. I think I was THIS close to OD-ing on misery. The tears-they were obedient all right, which makes me darn proud of them. I couldnt control my emotions though. They have been running wild and given a free reign over my being since the day I was born.
It didnt help that the entire morning was grey and dreary. It rained too. Oh, I really really hate rainy days. I wish for a cooler weather when the sun's torrid yes, but I rather have darling Mr Sun then the heartbreaking Mr Rain anytime. Even dearest Bear and Angklung couldnt lift my dying heart out of the dumps. I dont think anyone will ever succeed, as long as Im stuck in this hellhole of a school. EVERY FRICKIN ASPECT JUST SENDS RESONANCE OF HIS NAME RIPPLING THROUGH MY HEART. How I am supposed to be happy like I was before he departed??
I can smile. I can laugh. These are but facades I've become so accustomed to hiding behind. They're dear and familiar. Oh how I wish I could just cry my worries away then, but I can never bear to do in in front of my friends. You know, I think Bear was so concerned, he began treating me as his junior. Hohoho. This is definitely badddddddd. At least Sebas (an NP junior that I really adored) had some respect for me, despite of the way I am.. you know, a little childish and all.
Me: Xiu! I really miss you cuz you havent been sitting with us during Angklung for ages!
Xiu: Ya lor! I miss talking to you all!
Bear: Yah! Xiuhui, you should have been there for her! Do you know she has had 5 mood swings since this morning?
Bear's smile and very interesing convo with Nan would elevate my ailing heart a little. Bear's like a cold compress for my feverish heart, but only Paracetamol (ie 52) would truly cure me. I really like Bear a lot. More than you could ever expect, because although he's like another Fifi, he's in a class of his own. Im in love with his goofy yet cool demeanour. Hoho. Im dearly sorry for being such a spoilt brat, because I think he could never look at me the same way again. He'll remember me as the "childish and spoilt" senior, that I never wished to be.
It must have been Angklung (Free Willy sucks!) and NJ that dealt the fatal blow. Because the moment I stepped out of school, I really was given a new lease of life. I could feel the oh so gentle caress of the breeze, admire pods on the ground and even smile sincerely again! So you empathise with my love-hate relationship with my school wont you?
I was so delighted over my new freedom that I splurged $70 on my shopping trip with Choi and Rong. It was the most wonderful company ever, just simply because they all non-NJcians. I could really laugh from my heart with them. There was nary a moment which I scowled or looked forlorn. And, the thing which made them my besties was that they offered their honest views on everything I mentioned. Clothes, accesories, my dreams, sufferings in NJ were all carefully dissected and analysed by them. Where in the world would you get such nice friends?
For instance, I was telling Rong about my dreams to go for overseas education.
Me: Im in love with Europe for their vibrant arts and rich culture. I've been so cruelly deprived of em in Singapore.
Rong: What could you study in Europe though?
Me: Well, something related to the Arts. Interior Designing wouldnt be bad.
Rong: But that isnt your first love.
Me: Yeah. That's why Im leaning more towards US. NYU! Columbia! UCLA!
Me: But, look at the papers nowadays. There are gang rape cases even in subway stations! And I cant even fend for myself now. *SIGGGGHHHH*
Rong: Dont you think there must be a reason for such crimes? You dont see girls suddenly being gang raped, do you?
Aye. She's got a point. I need to get away as soon as possible. I could feel my dreams hollering halfway across the globe. Otherwise, my emotions will swing eternally like a pendulum bob, as seen today.
Meanwhile, I shall continue seeking solace in sad songs. Bad option, but it's the best available as of now.
Where are you??
and I'm so sorry I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
Vicks
dysphoria came at 9:27 AM
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Why Im beaming a sheepish grin brighter than a lightbulb right now
- Memories of shopping with Jo, Nan, my speedy sista! and Boon yesterday. It's near impossible to spend a day with them without nary a smile. Im addicted to the unjustified laughters and making immature, but highly appreciated jokes. Hoho. Im weird, but I have weird buddies that love me (: We saw the living versions of Happy Meal on the way home! There's Mr French Fries, Mr Hamburger and Mr Coke! And people, that's an instance of being able to indulge sinlessly--I get to enjoy happy meal without gaining an ounce of lard! :):)
- The horrid week is over. This implies there's no tests to learn->no stress->more sleep-> less scowling->less complaining. (At least for the time being).
- I cleared the remnants of my Vday chocs. Chocolates will always be my No1 aphrodisiac because it makes me high and cheerful, and takes my mind of problems. It's the ultra-sweentend and non-living alter ego of 52. :):) And, MOST ESSENTIALLY, I can be assured of minimal weight gain because it's that time of the month. Yayyyy!
- I've suffered badddddd cramps (as bad as mah badboy Daffy) and hormonal imbalance (which led to emotional see-saws) the entire day. But I have a blessed life. The Bear talked to me after school! A tiny hint of a smile, and trust me, Im bought over. Hohoho. Do you know people who have nice smiles have an inexplicable glow around them? It's like the angels are showering extra blessings on them for making others' day. Im definitely addicted to his smooth delivery of "Hi Victoria!"s with that mood-elevating, heart-thumping smile!! And I've become a sucker for his seemingly bashful (but most definitely not!) waves. Girls are drawn to him like bees are to Hanni (correction: honey!). I've always prided on myself that I have unique, or rather, uniquely weird taste, and it's sickening to have such concern for someone who flirts with girls all the time. Because I have a ferocious streak of jealousy. It was like how I gave Fifi hell when I had just an inkling of suspicion that he liked Ling Yi. Hoho.
- Clearly, Fifi has lost his Midas touch with my heart. Which is a fabulous revelation, because he's an ungrateful, uninitiated and passive moron who's undeserving of my affections. I shouldnt live for his stingy waves and smiles.
- The Bear is attending tomorrow. Tra-lala!
Love loads!
dysphoria came at 7:01 PM
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My Ex (Fave song)
Well I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Well I used to love it because of that really fun MV, and it seems to jump right out and tell me, " It's ohk being alone! You'll get by!". Real catchy tune too.
Right now, Im loving it for the right reason-the lyrics. Hoho. How sweet of dear Rob to pen a song for me. ((:
How I Used To Be
Man, that phrase sounds so sad, I might cry from just staring at it.
Im so petrified right now. I think Im a misery junkie, and my psychosis is getting rather severe. You remember how delightful I was yesterday, and in a blink of an eye, Im clawing my way through darkness again.
Im sad and scared. Sad and scared. Sad, scared and stressed.
Will people around me miss the way I was, if I ever lose it? Or are they already missing the old me? I admit, I've noticed the change in my attitude towards life eons ago. Like all junkies, admission is way scarier than death. It means playing out your most intimate fears for everyone.
Im scared of losing it forever. Really. Once you're gone, you can never be the same old you. I love the way I was, or rather, am. I have sufficient love for my writings, my relationships and my dreams. Nothing else is worth all of them....but,
Sanity hangs precariously on a thread of lifeline. One slight tip, and whoa! I might adopt Einstein's funky hairstyle, mumble incoherently and scream my head of at non-living things everyday. My eyes would bare a vague resemblance to one of China's national treasure. I'll be the perfect candidate for the US version of The Ring3. I'll be hideous and scary outside in, inside out.
I cant write anymore.
Not anymore until I feel better anyway. Seriously, this post sucks. But since when do I not suck? Haha.
This is not a hiatus. Yeah sure, I'll be gone for some time. But, I might not return....so there. There's no proper nor teary farewell, because like my life, I have a habit of leaving things hanging in the air. Please be happy without me! (Ah, I think you'll be...because no one leaves my blog without a heavy heart.)
Vicks
Well I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Well I used to love it because of that really fun MV, and it seems to jump right out and tell me, " It's ohk being alone! You'll get by!". Real catchy tune too.
Right now, Im loving it for the right reason-the lyrics. Hoho. How sweet of dear Rob to pen a song for me. ((:
How I Used To Be
Man, that phrase sounds so sad, I might cry from just staring at it.
Im so petrified right now. I think Im a misery junkie, and my psychosis is getting rather severe. You remember how delightful I was yesterday, and in a blink of an eye, Im clawing my way through darkness again.
Im sad and scared. Sad and scared. Sad, scared and stressed.
Will people around me miss the way I was, if I ever lose it? Or are they already missing the old me? I admit, I've noticed the change in my attitude towards life eons ago. Like all junkies, admission is way scarier than death. It means playing out your most intimate fears for everyone.
Im scared of losing it forever. Really. Once you're gone, you can never be the same old you. I love the way I was, or rather, am. I have sufficient love for my writings, my relationships and my dreams. Nothing else is worth all of them....but,
Sanity hangs precariously on a thread of lifeline. One slight tip, and whoa! I might adopt Einstein's funky hairstyle, mumble incoherently and scream my head of at non-living things everyday. My eyes would bare a vague resemblance to one of China's national treasure. I'll be the perfect candidate for the US version of The Ring3. I'll be hideous and scary outside in, inside out.
I cant write anymore.
Not anymore until I feel better anyway. Seriously, this post sucks. But since when do I not suck? Haha.
This is not a hiatus. Yeah sure, I'll be gone for some time. But, I might not return....so there. There's no proper nor teary farewell, because like my life, I have a habit of leaving things hanging in the air. Please be happy without me! (Ah, I think you'll be...because no one leaves my blog without a heavy heart.)
Vicks
dysphoria came at 1:07 AM
|
The Juniors
I love today simply for the saccharine company of my very friendly and cheerful juniors ((:
I was pining away for Bear-bear the moment I settled down with Nan. He arrived late as usual, but as long as he came, who's to complain? Haha. Even Xiu and Nan were ga-ga over the dorky goofiness and kooky smiles. He's very nise! When he came into the class, I looked at him, and he mouthed, "Hi Victoria!" with that SO ENDEARING smile of his. I couldnt help but feel my lips curling upwards in response. Hoho. And I smiled, or giggled even more when he asked, "Is it okay if I sit next to you?". Oh god, it was almost "flitter-flutter", to quote ShuHui. My heart thumped wildy, and I knew this was gonna be the happiest day of the month.
Bear-bear's my age and a Chinese too! I thought he was a Malay from his appearance, but man, how elated I was to here that he's mixed. :) I love his humility, ability to withstand my oggling at guys, and his blur-ness! He addresses us as "Seniors" sometimes, and I covet the respect from him. Oh man, oh man. I like him even more than Fifi now! Just so you know, it most certainly isnt a crush, but whole-hearted endearment. I don't know why he drives the adrenaline rush, but I kinda dig it ((:
There are a few others who're exceptionally friendly too. It's kind of a pity that Im actually closer to most of the sweet, sweet juniors than people of my batch. It doesnt really bother me though, because there's some people that I loathe to hell (read: Free Willy and Hammerhead!)
We had lunch with Serena. She's quite a hoot herself, and very approachable. You know, I think Im far from them when I was their age. I was still painfully shy and believed that there should always be a distance between juniors and seniors. But well, today changed my thinking.
Ohh...I must mention some random stuffs.
I saw DEAREST DUDU at Westmall! That confirms my suspicion that he lives in the Bt Batok area. God, I was squealing, "Navin!! Navin!! He's so cute!!!" in Burger King, and I guess I attracted attention again. *blushes sheepishly* (like I ever blush). It's sorta comforting to know that we might be able to meet up sometime, due to the close proximity, and my belief that we're quite close as Angel and Mortal. Tra-lala.....
And there was an infection in my left ear. I must thank my ancestors that Nan was there with me when I went for the check-up. The treatment doesnt really hurt, but it was a nerve-wrecking process. The words "pus" and "infection" is sufficient to send my eyes popping in shock. I gripped on to poor Nan in fear because Im ever so terrified of the unknown. All I heard was "Cling-Clank! Clink-Clank!", and trust me, it's scarier that Ju-On or The Ring. Nan said 5 cotton wools were soaked with blood. Haha! It sounds sooooooo gory and appaling, but....it's really just a small matter ((:
I believe Im made more courageous after that check-up, yo!
Oh, it's also darn hilarious that those who had PE yesterday were all uncannily limping today. It was muscle-ache at it's most intense. There was a HUGE problem going up and down the stairs, and we all know how NJ is reputated for it's numerous flights of stairs. It was TORTUROUS! I cant even sit or stand up without yelping in pain. I developed a phobia of toilet-trips. Every 10 steps that I walk, my legs would buckle once, and I'd leaned backwards like an old woman.
Oh lunges, lunges....you nearly killed me! Ms Choo said it was to train us for SBJ. Ah, all the more I should hate SBJ, shouldnt I? Im praying that darling Hui would share her PE with me for the rest of the year, so that at least I'll enjoy the torture sessions. It would almost be like PT during NPCC again, except that there's only 2 jokers sharing the hardship. I love you Hui! ((:
I sound happy dont I? It's an extremely long entry, but please indulge me. I havent been so for eons. Even sad songs and the prospect of 4 tests next week dont deter me. I'll try to be happy from now on. I wonder why I was so infatuated with misery when joy is gift worth cherishing more. I miss beautitude (:
Victoria will be a happy girl. She'll refrain from all the frowning and scowling, to pave the way for more smiles and horrifying cackles. Hoho! She'll spread joy to the world!!
Love loads and loads,
Vicks
I love today simply for the saccharine company of my very friendly and cheerful juniors ((:
I was pining away for Bear-bear the moment I settled down with Nan. He arrived late as usual, but as long as he came, who's to complain? Haha. Even Xiu and Nan were ga-ga over the dorky goofiness and kooky smiles. He's very nise! When he came into the class, I looked at him, and he mouthed, "Hi Victoria!" with that SO ENDEARING smile of his. I couldnt help but feel my lips curling upwards in response. Hoho. And I smiled, or giggled even more when he asked, "Is it okay if I sit next to you?". Oh god, it was almost "flitter-flutter", to quote ShuHui. My heart thumped wildy, and I knew this was gonna be the happiest day of the month.
Bear-bear's my age and a Chinese too! I thought he was a Malay from his appearance, but man, how elated I was to here that he's mixed. :) I love his humility, ability to withstand my oggling at guys, and his blur-ness! He addresses us as "Seniors" sometimes, and I covet the respect from him. Oh man, oh man. I like him even more than Fifi now! Just so you know, it most certainly isnt a crush, but whole-hearted endearment. I don't know why he drives the adrenaline rush, but I kinda dig it ((:
There are a few others who're exceptionally friendly too. It's kind of a pity that Im actually closer to most of the sweet, sweet juniors than people of my batch. It doesnt really bother me though, because there's some people that I loathe to hell (read: Free Willy and Hammerhead!)
We had lunch with Serena. She's quite a hoot herself, and very approachable. You know, I think Im far from them when I was their age. I was still painfully shy and believed that there should always be a distance between juniors and seniors. But well, today changed my thinking.
Ohh...I must mention some random stuffs.
I saw DEAREST DUDU at Westmall! That confirms my suspicion that he lives in the Bt Batok area. God, I was squealing, "Navin!! Navin!! He's so cute!!!" in Burger King, and I guess I attracted attention again. *blushes sheepishly* (like I ever blush). It's sorta comforting to know that we might be able to meet up sometime, due to the close proximity, and my belief that we're quite close as Angel and Mortal. Tra-lala.....
And there was an infection in my left ear. I must thank my ancestors that Nan was there with me when I went for the check-up. The treatment doesnt really hurt, but it was a nerve-wrecking process. The words "pus" and "infection" is sufficient to send my eyes popping in shock. I gripped on to poor Nan in fear because Im ever so terrified of the unknown. All I heard was "Cling-Clank! Clink-Clank!", and trust me, it's scarier that Ju-On or The Ring. Nan said 5 cotton wools were soaked with blood. Haha! It sounds sooooooo gory and appaling, but....it's really just a small matter ((:
I believe Im made more courageous after that check-up, yo!
Oh, it's also darn hilarious that those who had PE yesterday were all uncannily limping today. It was muscle-ache at it's most intense. There was a HUGE problem going up and down the stairs, and we all know how NJ is reputated for it's numerous flights of stairs. It was TORTUROUS! I cant even sit or stand up without yelping in pain. I developed a phobia of toilet-trips. Every 10 steps that I walk, my legs would buckle once, and I'd leaned backwards like an old woman.
Oh lunges, lunges....you nearly killed me! Ms Choo said it was to train us for SBJ. Ah, all the more I should hate SBJ, shouldnt I? Im praying that darling Hui would share her PE with me for the rest of the year, so that at least I'll enjoy the torture sessions. It would almost be like PT during NPCC again, except that there's only 2 jokers sharing the hardship. I love you Hui! ((:
I sound happy dont I? It's an extremely long entry, but please indulge me. I havent been so for eons. Even sad songs and the prospect of 4 tests next week dont deter me. I'll try to be happy from now on. I wonder why I was so infatuated with misery when joy is gift worth cherishing more. I miss beautitude (:
Victoria will be a happy girl. She'll refrain from all the frowning and scowling, to pave the way for more smiles and horrifying cackles. Hoho! She'll spread joy to the world!!
Love loads and loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 8:05 PM
|
I Cant Shake Him Off
Mrs Che:" What other questions do you have?"
Ah Yang: "Number 52."
Mrs Che: " 52 ah? Let's see.."
There was a very audible gasp from me, and the whole row turned to look. There was vague laughter emanating from the row behind me too.
I guess everyone knows about it, and that it STILL hasn't fade away.
But, they dont understand the entirety of my emotions and reactions around him. I'm pretty alone here now, aren't I? It's okay though, because I've been relatively happier this week.
I meant to blog about all the things that make me smile, but well, exhaustion has stealthily caught up with me again. I don't really care about dutifully recording such trivial matters, because what ultimately matters is that I can reflect upon my youth when Im all wrinkly and prune-y, and feel that those are years worth living for.
Love,
Vicks
Mrs Che:" What other questions do you have?"
Ah Yang: "Number 52."
Mrs Che: " 52 ah? Let's see.."
There was a very audible gasp from me, and the whole row turned to look. There was vague laughter emanating from the row behind me too.
I guess everyone knows about it, and that it STILL hasn't fade away.
But, they dont understand the entirety of my emotions and reactions around him. I'm pretty alone here now, aren't I? It's okay though, because I've been relatively happier this week.
I meant to blog about all the things that make me smile, but well, exhaustion has stealthily caught up with me again. I don't really care about dutifully recording such trivial matters, because what ultimately matters is that I can reflect upon my youth when Im all wrinkly and prune-y, and feel that those are years worth living for.
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 10:10 PM
|
Sapped
I've been tired to my bones lately, and my poor poor heart too. It's a rude surprise that exhaustion gets so unbearable sometimes, I'll lie my head on the table on the pretext of having a headache. Well, I do sufffer from frequent migraines during tutorials, but what makes it unacceptable is that I ALWAYS doze off for 5 minutes while doing so.
Mum's rather worried, and she's been churning out loadsa herbs. Im loving that, because I've always enjoyed the bittersweet taste of medicinal soups/teas, ie the taste of life and love. Haha. Funny analogy, but you cant help agreeing with it, can you? (: Oh, and I get a daily dose of DOM and Essence of Chicken too. Man, I hope no cannibals read this, or I'd make the most ideal meal...
So in time to come, I hope this permanent sleepy spell would ease a little, so I'll have more spirits to fight my demons.
Funny convo:
Me: Tell Kel I miss him loads k?
Lulu: You want it the girly way, the brotherly way, or the mushy way?
Me: Haha! Are you sure you can convey in the above ways?
Lulu: Of course! I've won a Speech and Drama prize before!
Me: Then do it the mushy way!! As mushy as possible!!
Poor Kel. *cackles* Sometimes I dearly wish I was back in Nanhua again, because I loved watching the two silly idiots banter. They're weird, unknowingly humourous and very animated.
Love,
Vicks
I've been tired to my bones lately, and my poor poor heart too. It's a rude surprise that exhaustion gets so unbearable sometimes, I'll lie my head on the table on the pretext of having a headache. Well, I do sufffer from frequent migraines during tutorials, but what makes it unacceptable is that I ALWAYS doze off for 5 minutes while doing so.
Mum's rather worried, and she's been churning out loadsa herbs. Im loving that, because I've always enjoyed the bittersweet taste of medicinal soups/teas, ie the taste of life and love. Haha. Funny analogy, but you cant help agreeing with it, can you? (: Oh, and I get a daily dose of DOM and Essence of Chicken too. Man, I hope no cannibals read this, or I'd make the most ideal meal...
So in time to come, I hope this permanent sleepy spell would ease a little, so I'll have more spirits to fight my demons.
Funny convo:
Me: Tell Kel I miss him loads k?
Lulu: You want it the girly way, the brotherly way, or the mushy way?
Me: Haha! Are you sure you can convey in the above ways?
Lulu: Of course! I've won a Speech and Drama prize before!
Me: Then do it the mushy way!! As mushy as possible!!
Poor Kel. *cackles* Sometimes I dearly wish I was back in Nanhua again, because I loved watching the two silly idiots banter. They're weird, unknowingly humourous and very animated.
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 11:13 PM
|
Imprints
I guess I can never resist the temptations of dear Blogger after all.
I've taken to scribbling on the top of my palm with coloured markers recently. It was much like the old times, during my primary school days. My peers used to think I create pretty fonts, and would plead with me to scribble on their hands. It's pretty much like an aphrodisiac, because I feel the highs of blithe and beatitude from just simple tasks. I'd get down to the task mostly during Chinese lessons (it's always Chinese isnt it? haha), and take 2 minutes for each hand. Most would ask for their names to be imprinted, while there are a few others who requested silly verbs like "cool".
I remember a particular friend (Pooi!!) was so pleased, she exclaimed, " It looks like it was printed from the comp!!" I couldnt stop smiling that day.
There was another who was quite jealous (I think) because she sat glumly in a corner while watching me at work, and then finally remarked, "Do you know that such scribbling is no good for your hands? You'll get all wrinkly when you're old. " I didnt even bother to reply her. I was well aware of my unstoppable temper even at that tender age, and thus didnt dare to fan the flames.
I thought my scribbling was like body art. It deserved appreciation and a little adoration now and then. But I'd never offer such services now.
It's dastardly to mar others' untainted skin with my whims and fancies. I was merely venting my emotions on them, although they seemed really grateful for it. Yes, the old me was naive and innocent to think that I was doing them a great service. Now that Im well aware of myself, I've seen what wrong I've done. How inconsiderate I was to draw on others just because it elevates my mood and set my creative juices flowing. And it wasnt even great art. Hoho!
It's only with myself that I should pratice scribbling. Haha. It doesnt take an idiot to guess what words/phrase/numbers I've vandalised my hands with. I guess I've grown addicted to this in a relatively short span of time. Arent all vices addictive? ((: I'm wondering if I started this because of a yet-unknown emotional disorder. Well Im conscious of my rather dysfuctional state of mind..but it's not that apparent whether Im sick, is it??
Back to the imprints. They last a whole day on my hand, serving just one purpose : to remind me of what's close to my heart. It's not that I need any reminding, but it's affirmation and closure that I yearn for. Scribbling doesnt really fufil that, but it's the closest the craven I get to real-life confessions.
Pink, Orange, Red, Purple, Blue.
My skin is colourful.
(Haha...very bad rhyming)
Love,
Vicks
I guess I can never resist the temptations of dear Blogger after all.
I've taken to scribbling on the top of my palm with coloured markers recently. It was much like the old times, during my primary school days. My peers used to think I create pretty fonts, and would plead with me to scribble on their hands. It's pretty much like an aphrodisiac, because I feel the highs of blithe and beatitude from just simple tasks. I'd get down to the task mostly during Chinese lessons (it's always Chinese isnt it? haha), and take 2 minutes for each hand. Most would ask for their names to be imprinted, while there are a few others who requested silly verbs like "cool".
I remember a particular friend (Pooi!!) was so pleased, she exclaimed, " It looks like it was printed from the comp!!" I couldnt stop smiling that day.
There was another who was quite jealous (I think) because she sat glumly in a corner while watching me at work, and then finally remarked, "Do you know that such scribbling is no good for your hands? You'll get all wrinkly when you're old. " I didnt even bother to reply her. I was well aware of my unstoppable temper even at that tender age, and thus didnt dare to fan the flames.
I thought my scribbling was like body art. It deserved appreciation and a little adoration now and then. But I'd never offer such services now.
It's dastardly to mar others' untainted skin with my whims and fancies. I was merely venting my emotions on them, although they seemed really grateful for it. Yes, the old me was naive and innocent to think that I was doing them a great service. Now that Im well aware of myself, I've seen what wrong I've done. How inconsiderate I was to draw on others just because it elevates my mood and set my creative juices flowing. And it wasnt even great art. Hoho!
It's only with myself that I should pratice scribbling. Haha. It doesnt take an idiot to guess what words/phrase/numbers I've vandalised my hands with. I guess I've grown addicted to this in a relatively short span of time. Arent all vices addictive? ((: I'm wondering if I started this because of a yet-unknown emotional disorder. Well Im conscious of my rather dysfuctional state of mind..but it's not that apparent whether Im sick, is it??
Back to the imprints. They last a whole day on my hand, serving just one purpose : to remind me of what's close to my heart. It's not that I need any reminding, but it's affirmation and closure that I yearn for. Scribbling doesnt really fufil that, but it's the closest the craven I get to real-life confessions.
Pink, Orange, Red, Purple, Blue.
My skin is colourful.
(Haha...very bad rhyming)
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 1:07 AM
|
Happy Vday peeps!
And to commemorate this very grand occasion, I shall not blog at all! Hoho...because all my entries are getting more bleak by the day, no?
But it's been a real sweet day, in terms of the saccharine sweetness of my buddies and the sugar rush. Hoho. It wont go down in the annals as my best Vday ever (because nothing can ever beat last year), but Im happy ((:
Lotsa Love,
Vicks
<3<3<3<3<3
And to commemorate this very grand occasion, I shall not blog at all! Hoho...because all my entries are getting more bleak by the day, no?
But it's been a real sweet day, in terms of the saccharine sweetness of my buddies and the sugar rush. Hoho. It wont go down in the annals as my best Vday ever (because nothing can ever beat last year), but Im happy ((:
Lotsa Love,
Vicks
<3<3<3<3<3
dysphoria came at 9:04 PM
|
Should I, or should I not?
Im turning lurid from a very bad case of cold. My pallor transcends beyond the fair skin, so that it's no longer milky-white, but a waxy, ghost-like white.
Body aches has plagued me for a whole day, and I pretty much slept the beautiful Sunday away. I so wanted to visit the nursery and buy as many red roses as I could...but my body betrayed me so heartlessly. I think alongside flu, Im having low bp again. The nausea and dull throbbing that persists in my temples make me wish for heartache instead.
Im guilty for only being able to give out sickening sweet sugars on Vday, but you understand my dilemma.
It's funny that I should only fall sick on the yesterdays of important occasions. Such is the annoying way my system functions...sometimes I feel like it's protesting against my frivolous lifestyle. But if one doesnt enjoy youth for all that it's worth, regrets will come rolling in as age increases.
Oh, I really really wish to skip school tomorrow. I wonder how I should survive a supposedly exciting day on a upset stomach, cold and headache. And if one should think that Im deliberately self-inflicting pain, and enjoying the process, you should consider what significance Vdays in NJ holds for me. Now dont get me wrong. I do believe that it's an over-commericialised occasion and has somewhat lost its true meaning as society progresses. It's just that it's really out of my ability to let go of anything related to him.
Like most foolish women, I'll gladly sacrifice for love. Or at least memories of it.
Love,
Vicks
Im turning lurid from a very bad case of cold. My pallor transcends beyond the fair skin, so that it's no longer milky-white, but a waxy, ghost-like white.
Body aches has plagued me for a whole day, and I pretty much slept the beautiful Sunday away. I so wanted to visit the nursery and buy as many red roses as I could...but my body betrayed me so heartlessly. I think alongside flu, Im having low bp again. The nausea and dull throbbing that persists in my temples make me wish for heartache instead.
Im guilty for only being able to give out sickening sweet sugars on Vday, but you understand my dilemma.
It's funny that I should only fall sick on the yesterdays of important occasions. Such is the annoying way my system functions...sometimes I feel like it's protesting against my frivolous lifestyle. But if one doesnt enjoy youth for all that it's worth, regrets will come rolling in as age increases.
Oh, I really really wish to skip school tomorrow. I wonder how I should survive a supposedly exciting day on a upset stomach, cold and headache. And if one should think that Im deliberately self-inflicting pain, and enjoying the process, you should consider what significance Vdays in NJ holds for me. Now dont get me wrong. I do believe that it's an over-commericialised occasion and has somewhat lost its true meaning as society progresses. It's just that it's really out of my ability to let go of anything related to him.
Like most foolish women, I'll gladly sacrifice for love. Or at least memories of it.
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 10:47 PM
|
Dear You,
V-day's impending quick as lightning! How are ya getting along? I've been pining for chance-meetings, but fat chance eh.
I wonder if you remember the previous Vday. Nothing remarkable actually, save for the fact that you spoke to me. You could talk! And a magical voice at that! The first and only words--silly yes, but will be remembered forever and a minute. Damn, I wouldnt mind if you do that every year, just saying that sentence to me. It wouldnt matter if we never got to know each other, because I'll still see and hear you.
I should have uttered a witty one-liner to capture your attention then. I should have smiled, and not look pissed. I should have introduced myself, and not leave the most essential introduction to rife rumours that flew about us. Why dear, did your presence have such an earth-shattering effect over me? If I'm myself around you, would everything have changed?
So many should haves...the one thing I'd like to alter most though, would be my looks. Hohoho. If I were to be pretty like her, I would have caught your eye wouldnt I? You would have asked for my number, and I'll act all bashful and reluctant, but give it to you eventually. And I'll never let you go.
I cant comprehend nor accept your absence from my life. I thought you'd be back together with the others. Where were you huh? I've gotten so drained and listless from all that pining, Im gonna become a loser with no life. It seems like I've gotten so hooked on misery, Im gonna OD on it soon. My entries are getting more melancholic as with the songs I listen to. People think I enjoy dwelling in self-despair and gaining sympathy votes. Yet would they ever understand?
I guess even if you come back, it's completely outta my ability to do anything either. I'll be too busy trembling with shock+terror+excitement to even glance at you. There's nothing anyone, nor I, nor You (feelings should never be coerced) can do to help. We'll just have to wait it out, and see what else Time and Destiny has written in Life's Grand Designs for me.
Nobody ever told me Love was this tough. It's worse than Organic Chem, or even Standing Broad Jump, because Love always threatens to rip my heart out and place it in your palm. It can kill, you know that?
So this V-Day,
It's just me,
For you.
She is the story, the story is she
She sings to the moon and the stars in the sky
Shining from high above you shouldn't ask why
Love,
Vicks
V-day's impending quick as lightning! How are ya getting along? I've been pining for chance-meetings, but fat chance eh.
I wonder if you remember the previous Vday. Nothing remarkable actually, save for the fact that you spoke to me. You could talk! And a magical voice at that! The first and only words--silly yes, but will be remembered forever and a minute. Damn, I wouldnt mind if you do that every year, just saying that sentence to me. It wouldnt matter if we never got to know each other, because I'll still see and hear you.
I should have uttered a witty one-liner to capture your attention then. I should have smiled, and not look pissed. I should have introduced myself, and not leave the most essential introduction to rife rumours that flew about us. Why dear, did your presence have such an earth-shattering effect over me? If I'm myself around you, would everything have changed?
So many should haves...the one thing I'd like to alter most though, would be my looks. Hohoho. If I were to be pretty like her, I would have caught your eye wouldnt I? You would have asked for my number, and I'll act all bashful and reluctant, but give it to you eventually. And I'll never let you go.
I cant comprehend nor accept your absence from my life. I thought you'd be back together with the others. Where were you huh? I've gotten so drained and listless from all that pining, Im gonna become a loser with no life. It seems like I've gotten so hooked on misery, Im gonna OD on it soon. My entries are getting more melancholic as with the songs I listen to. People think I enjoy dwelling in self-despair and gaining sympathy votes. Yet would they ever understand?
I guess even if you come back, it's completely outta my ability to do anything either. I'll be too busy trembling with shock+terror+excitement to even glance at you. There's nothing anyone, nor I, nor You (feelings should never be coerced) can do to help. We'll just have to wait it out, and see what else Time and Destiny has written in Life's Grand Designs for me.
Nobody ever told me Love was this tough. It's worse than Organic Chem, or even Standing Broad Jump, because Love always threatens to rip my heart out and place it in your palm. It can kill, you know that?
So this V-Day,
It's just me,
For you.
She is the story, the story is she
She sings to the moon and the stars in the sky
Shining from high above you shouldn't ask why
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 12:30 AM
|
I'm screaming in protest!!
That's because of the PE session, my insistence on climbing all steps two at a time, and the catching up session in town. Hoho. The parts of my body that requires intense toning arent getting any, while my already thick and muscular and ugly calfs are thicker now :( That means my upper body is a giant flab of potatoes, while the lower half is thick tree-trunks.
Im glad Boon, Hui and I finally got to spend some time together, because it's darn hard to withdraw ourselves from the busy schedules. We didnt talk much, but there are times when you'll be contented just keeping silent and enjoying each other's sweet company. They're my sweet Jokers, and I'll always be happy with them around ((:
Now both of them have got me a tad obsessed over the rubber wrist bands ala Armstrong's Nike "Live Strong" yellow bands. Ahhhhhh! I want them as much as an ipod mini! (well maybe a little less). Damn, now I'll never stop shopping till I get an Adidas or Nike one. May the 3 Jokers be blessed with the luck we need!
Im darn tired now.
I build up so much hopes of seeing 52 today, but...
you know the ending.
With me, every love story will end a tragedy, no matter how passionately it began.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me '
Til then I walk alone
Love loads,
Vicks
My poor leggy muscles are yelling "surrender!". Oh how vehemently they protest against further activity! I suffer from an ache that snakes through my mid-calf to hamstring with every single step.
Bah.
That's because of the PE session, my insistence on climbing all steps two at a time, and the catching up session in town. Hoho. The parts of my body that requires intense toning arent getting any, while my already thick and muscular and ugly calfs are thicker now :( That means my upper body is a giant flab of potatoes, while the lower half is thick tree-trunks.
Im glad Boon, Hui and I finally got to spend some time together, because it's darn hard to withdraw ourselves from the busy schedules. We didnt talk much, but there are times when you'll be contented just keeping silent and enjoying each other's sweet company. They're my sweet Jokers, and I'll always be happy with them around ((:
Now both of them have got me a tad obsessed over the rubber wrist bands ala Armstrong's Nike "Live Strong" yellow bands. Ahhhhhh! I want them as much as an ipod mini! (well maybe a little less). Damn, now I'll never stop shopping till I get an Adidas or Nike one. May the 3 Jokers be blessed with the luck we need!
Im darn tired now.
I build up so much hopes of seeing 52 today, but...
you know the ending.
With me, every love story will end a tragedy, no matter how passionately it began.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me '
Til then I walk alone
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 9:44 PM
|
Delirrriiooouuss
I didnt know what it was until I cleared 2 bloody glasses of it.
Well, I did know it was red wine, but how was I to know what grade was it, and it's potence?
God. It's a 2000 Austrailian McGuigan Merlot!!!! I think it must be worth a few hundred bucks, considering that it's a Limited Release too. Damn, no wonder it tastes so full-bodied, fruity and a tad tangy. I like!! ((:
To think that it only takes 2 glasses to defeat me! Hoho. I guess it must be true that the better the wine, the more potent it is? Im woozy and the world's spinning. I think Im gonna spend the 2nd night of the Lunar New Year happy and dreaming of him. You know, I think delirium is the closest thing you'd get to the 'high' from drugs. It's the best feeling I had this year, because I smile even when he comes to mind. Im not happy, but for once, Im not sad. (:
Oh, and Im damn spoilt with all the delicacies. There's abalone and Shark's fins and scallops every meal since the day before yesterday. Indulgence makes me feel wanted and fills my heart with hope again. I'd make a feast for cannibals, with all the essence coursing through my veins.
Bahhhhh. Reminder to self: Never blog when woozy. Im gonna regret it horribly when I read this frigging entry with sobrierity. Im not making sense, am I?
Vicks
I didnt know what it was until I cleared 2 bloody glasses of it.
Well, I did know it was red wine, but how was I to know what grade was it, and it's potence?
God. It's a 2000 Austrailian McGuigan Merlot!!!! I think it must be worth a few hundred bucks, considering that it's a Limited Release too. Damn, no wonder it tastes so full-bodied, fruity and a tad tangy. I like!! ((:
To think that it only takes 2 glasses to defeat me! Hoho. I guess it must be true that the better the wine, the more potent it is? Im woozy and the world's spinning. I think Im gonna spend the 2nd night of the Lunar New Year happy and dreaming of him. You know, I think delirium is the closest thing you'd get to the 'high' from drugs. It's the best feeling I had this year, because I smile even when he comes to mind. Im not happy, but for once, Im not sad. (:
Oh, and Im damn spoilt with all the delicacies. There's abalone and Shark's fins and scallops every meal since the day before yesterday. Indulgence makes me feel wanted and fills my heart with hope again. I'd make a feast for cannibals, with all the essence coursing through my veins.
Bahhhhh. Reminder to self: Never blog when woozy. Im gonna regret it horribly when I read this frigging entry with sobrierity. Im not making sense, am I?
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:52 PM
|
Kel's funny Friendster account
Oh god. I really must thank darling Kel for keeping me entertained on boring nights as such. It must be his unwitting sense of humour that so successfully kept me laughing for 5 mins straight.
Kel, if you read this, dont you ever dare change your Friendster photos. I'll slaughter you!! That's because it'll be the only readily-available source of happiness in these dreary times. And Kel has this funny testi which goes something like "he is the Lan Gong cos he's the Gong of the Lan". It's not only a redudant statement, the way it's phrased is darn hilarious too! That's prolly the worst no-brainer ever uttered in a century.
Love you Kel! And look, I've unintentionally dedicated a whole entry to you ((:
(It's my first happy entry since a long long time too! Be honoured, dear!)
Love,
Vicks
Oh god. I really must thank darling Kel for keeping me entertained on boring nights as such. It must be his unwitting sense of humour that so successfully kept me laughing for 5 mins straight.
Kel, if you read this, dont you ever dare change your Friendster photos. I'll slaughter you!! That's because it'll be the only readily-available source of happiness in these dreary times. And Kel has this funny testi which goes something like "he is the Lan Gong cos he's the Gong of the Lan". It's not only a redudant statement, the way it's phrased is darn hilarious too! That's prolly the worst no-brainer ever uttered in a century.
Love you Kel! And look, I've unintentionally dedicated a whole entry to you ((:
(It's my first happy entry since a long long time too! Be honoured, dear!)
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 1:53 AM
|
I named the old moon.
Tonight, I gave the moon your name.
Every dusk, I shall sneak a little peek at you before sleep beckons. I shall dream wonderful dreams under your luminiscent radiance. Nightfall would cease to have lonliness and desolation hanging in the atmosphere. I'll finally get to enjoy your lovely company.
From now on, wherever I am, I'll be able to see you. The whole world would look at the old moon, and realise that it's you after all.
I shall never ever forget you Shaun.
Tonight, I gave the moon your name.
Every dusk, I shall sneak a little peek at you before sleep beckons. I shall dream wonderful dreams under your luminiscent radiance. Nightfall would cease to have lonliness and desolation hanging in the atmosphere. I'll finally get to enjoy your lovely company.
From now on, wherever I am, I'll be able to see you. The whole world would look at the old moon, and realise that it's you after all.
I shall never ever forget you Shaun.
dysphoria came at 8:14 PM
|
The Banana-man
I've always been slightly turned off by CNY. I loathe the gaudy red decorations, and how they give me splitting headaches. I reel at the over-hyper CNY songs, because their melodies are crass like techno.
You know, despite having profound respect and love for the Chinese language, I cant say I feel the same towards my culture, my race. It's too conservative and always goes head-on with my likes. It clashes with my personality and tastes. :(
Things that make me banana:
I've always been slightly turned off by CNY. I loathe the gaudy red decorations, and how they give me splitting headaches. I reel at the over-hyper CNY songs, because their melodies are crass like techno.
You know, despite having profound respect and love for the Chinese language, I cant say I feel the same towards my culture, my race. It's too conservative and always goes head-on with my likes. It clashes with my personality and tastes. :(
Things that make me banana:
- I miss Xmas like hell on CNY.
- I hum Xmas carols instead of CNY songs.
- I substitute the chinese lyrics of said songs with english words, because I cant remember even a line of CNY song.
- I flinch whenever a CNY song is played within ear shot.
- I "siam" any place overly done up with red decor.
- I've stopped spring-cleaning this year. And tomorrow, I shall not go visiting (except my Gramp's) because Im dog-tired.
- Im wearing a black dress on the first day of CNY ((: It's a beautiful dress tho.
Seriously, am I really that incorrigible to be called a "banana"? Hoho. I do whatever I deem fit, and if that's averting from the Chinese culture, so be it! Im still a Chinese through and through, and despite the bad clashes, it's the only culture I will try to soak up.
Further proof that my generation of family members are equally "banana-ish":
- Cousin: " So this year is the Year of the Rooster? Then everyone is a Rooster this year lah?"
- Cousin: " How come your class is all Rabbits? Got Tigers or not?"
Me: " Because we're all born in the Year 1987. And that's the Year of the Rabbit."
Cousin: "Then why my class all Horses, and no Rabbits leh?"
- Cousin: " Are all Primary Ones this year Dogs and Goats?"
- We compare predictions of Zodiac traits with our personalities, and then snigger like crazy for no apparent reasons.
- We pointed and laughed openly at people who used umbrellas and plastic bags to contain golden flakes that floated out of a giant God statue along Esplanade.
- We were extremely disrespectful, because we tried to predict which part of the God's body the golden flakes would materialise from. "The nostrils", "eyes", "stomach" and "mouth" were but few of the most hilarious answers. And anyway, they appeared outta taels of gold the God was holding.
Oh. My. God.
Isnt my cousin damn hilarious? I couldnt stop laughing when he asked me those stupid questions. If even I have basic knowledge about the Chinese zodiac since Primary School, it must be a simple enough concept. But, I guess it isnt. Hohohoho.
It's gonna be the most unconventional CNY ever, and it'll pave the way for more to come. ((:
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 10:38 PM
|
Another long/mushy/crude/extremely esoteric poem
A Cold Touch
The breeze glides past every so gently
Look how it kisses everything in its way!
Like the warmth you exude a-plenty,
Every object falls as instant prey.
School was all about adrenaline rushes,
The screams, sheepish grins, and bountiful sightings,
Leave me in hot flushes.
Your charm-I’ve long learned to stop resisting.
It was such a possessive obsession,
With neither a beginning nor an end.
The sole knowledge is the unwavering passion,
Never with time will it contend.
Happiness died the day you left,
Everything was left cold and lonely.
The heart splintered with a deep cleft,
I almost succumbed to a moment’s folly.
The breeze still blows in NJ,
The sun still shines for us,
Laughter and smiles are still in their colourful array,
But moments cease to be gay.
I saw your picture today,
The smile, the unwitting charm, the quiet confidence,
Like many other times, I was blown away.
So what if it’s a self-imposed perchance?
I reached out to touch your face.
You lie behind that cruel panel of glass,
Enrapturing me still, with that gaze.
Tell me, if I have unknowingly trespassed.
The glass was cold.
The breeze sent chills crawling down.
Oh, the immense misery this school behold,
Has led me to claim the crown.
Hail the Queen of Heartache!
She has a frozen heart that discontinued feeling,
That earned the name of “The Grouch”.
No smiles, for the lips are peeling,
Ever since the pain begins to debouch.
She merely wanted to touch you,
But the glass was too cold.
She never expect the frost that ensue,
That turned her being icy two-fold.
Now her touch is cold,
Her eyes are cold,
Her heart is cold.
All these, that was borne of the cold touch of glass
A Cold Touch
The breeze glides past every so gently
Look how it kisses everything in its way!
Like the warmth you exude a-plenty,
Every object falls as instant prey.
School was all about adrenaline rushes,
The screams, sheepish grins, and bountiful sightings,
Leave me in hot flushes.
Your charm-I’ve long learned to stop resisting.
It was such a possessive obsession,
With neither a beginning nor an end.
The sole knowledge is the unwavering passion,
Never with time will it contend.
Happiness died the day you left,
Everything was left cold and lonely.
The heart splintered with a deep cleft,
I almost succumbed to a moment’s folly.
The breeze still blows in NJ,
The sun still shines for us,
Laughter and smiles are still in their colourful array,
But moments cease to be gay.
I saw your picture today,
The smile, the unwitting charm, the quiet confidence,
Like many other times, I was blown away.
So what if it’s a self-imposed perchance?
I reached out to touch your face.
You lie behind that cruel panel of glass,
Enrapturing me still, with that gaze.
Tell me, if I have unknowingly trespassed.
The glass was cold.
The breeze sent chills crawling down.
Oh, the immense misery this school behold,
Has led me to claim the crown.
Hail the Queen of Heartache!
She has a frozen heart that discontinued feeling,
That earned the name of “The Grouch”.
No smiles, for the lips are peeling,
Ever since the pain begins to debouch.
She merely wanted to touch you,
But the glass was too cold.
She never expect the frost that ensue,
That turned her being icy two-fold.
Now her touch is cold,
Her eyes are cold,
Her heart is cold.
All these, that was borne of the cold touch of glass
dysphoria came at 11:46 PM
|
Still down
It was like a giant hand was constantly clamped over my respiratory tract, almost like being smothered by a blanket. When it isnt love, flu is the next torture that threatens my breathing.
I realise Im pretty crazy (more so than normal) when Im sick.
Things I do:
It was like a giant hand was constantly clamped over my respiratory tract, almost like being smothered by a blanket. When it isnt love, flu is the next torture that threatens my breathing.
I realise Im pretty crazy (more so than normal) when Im sick.
Things I do:
- Frown and scowl at everything in the way.
- Mumble and shout incoherently. Chants consist chiefly of "Fifififififififi!".
- Laugh at nothing in particular. Imagine bursting out suddenly in the middle of the couldnt-be-more-boring Econs lect, when I got sleepy.
- Miss Fifi like hell, so much so that I almost wept.
- Being pissed at the slightest provocation.
- Smile like I see 52, just because.
I think Im cooler when Im sick yeah? I follow my heart with no respect and fear for consequences. It's nice to be someone I aint occasionally, because I love playing character roles. Oh, and I think all that scowling makes me the devil's advocate and I scare people as such. It's kinda amusing to observe how my class guys avoid my gaze when Im moody, because they know better than to incur my wrath. Hohoho. I LOVE 04S27!!
-I dont ponder on us when Im down.-
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:04 PM
|
You know you're desperate and a soon-to-be loser when you hafta rely on your object of immense envy, to be updated of your crush's latest news.
I hate what Im doing. I hate being this helpless, this hopeless, and this jealous of her. I add her to my "favorites" because I need her to know about 52. They meet up so often, you cant blame me if I get the wrong idea. Yeah, they may be just "great friends" and even if they're together, I have no right to object. I guess love just makes you the unrecognisable devil that ravages everything in your path.
-when you're at the bottom, everything goes uphill from here-
I should just go get a proper life, and shoot myself.
Vicks
I hate what Im doing. I hate being this helpless, this hopeless, and this jealous of her. I add her to my "favorites" because I need her to know about 52. They meet up so often, you cant blame me if I get the wrong idea. Yeah, they may be just "great friends" and even if they're together, I have no right to object. I guess love just makes you the unrecognisable devil that ravages everything in your path.
-when you're at the bottom, everything goes uphill from here-
I should just go get a proper life, and shoot myself.
Vicks
dysphoria came at 6:13 PM
|
37 random questions of ze random live
What is the geekiest part of your music collection? The decaying Savage Garden "Affirmation" CD. Honestly, the only song I still listen to is "2 beds and a coffee machine", and that didnt have passable lyrics either.
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? Windstruck/ My Sassy Girl/ Love Actually. And incidentally, they happen to be my fave movies ((:
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? Lasik/Double-eye lid (notice that I've uneven eyes) on left eye. But then again, I prolly wont have the guts to undergo the horrors. Imperfections can be beautiful too.
Do you have a completely irrational fear? Seafood. Be it cooked or raw, Im petrified!!
What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? Constant adjusting of hair/ clasping and unclasping of hands/ the "not knowing where to put my hands" syndrome.
Do you know anyone famous? Oh, I've met tonnes of famous local stars. I seem to be a magnet for them, but truth is, I aint remotely close to anyone famous.
Who would play you in a movie? Any main female character with a tragic love life/ dysfunctional lifestyle/ tormented by misery and pain every moment. I think I'll even win a Razzie for that! Lol. (I cant act lah..)
What do you carry with you at all times? Handphone, purse and mirror.
What do you miss most about being a kid? Carefree lifestyle and happiness and damn fun and exiciting playtimes!
What colour is your bedroom? Oh, it's a sickening myraid of colours. Hoho.
What was the last song you were listening to? "Drop it Like it's Hot" by Snoop Dogg and (my) Pharell Williams!!
Have you ever been in a play? Yeah, in primary school. I was this tiny character, Titania or something in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Back then, I was already a Fairy Queen, hoho!
Have you ever been in love? Eh, next question.
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? Way too much.
Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? How can they??? They make me cry way too much.
What is your ideal marriage location? Kokomo (on a summer's evening), or the Notre Dame in Paris, or any Roman church.
Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? Piano. Who doesnt huh?
Favorite fabric? Satin, without a doubt.
What’s the one language you want to learn? Im ohk with my current standing, ie only mastery of the English language. But if I could, I wanna learn Chinese all over again.
What do you order at a bar? Gosh, I've never ordered before. Perhaps Margarita on the rocks, cuz it sounds darn nice ((:
Have you ever pierced your body parts?My ears. Duh.
Do you have tattoos?Nope. Not intending to either.
Do you drive a stick?Stick?!! I'll drive a car the instant it's legally possible ((:
Favorite trait of the opposite sex? Chivalry, AND that cool charm they exude unknowingly.
What kind of watch do you wear? My darling Fossil watch. It's one of my longest love affairs (next to 52) because I love the fusion of retro and the beach-feel. A tasteful contrast, but not many appreciate it's beauty.
Most frivolous purchase? None so far. Im a miser/thrift at heart.
What are you best at cooking? Cup noodles!!! Ah, I believe I can cook a mean spaghetti even when I havent learnt how to. It's in my blood (:
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Sure. I think some guys are WAY COOL.
What’s one car you will never buy? Japanese cars.
What kind of books do you like to read? Travel lit, tragic romance, philosophy, (get this!) zodiac and dark comics.
If you won the lottery, what would you do? 1/3 travel, 1/3 parents, 1/3 savings.
Do you cry in front of your friends?I’m not ashamed to say I do.
What’s one thing you like to do alone? Bathe. Hahahaha...that's a pretty redundant answer I admit. But I love comapany too much to cook up one.
Are you a giver or a taker? I'd love to take. Absolutely love to. It's funny how life makes me the advocate of "goodness" and I end up giving most of my life though.
When’s the last time you cried? Last night.
How many drinks before you’re tipsy /sleepy? Half a bottle of wine, and I walk like a crippled.
How do you eat an apple? Wipe it on my shirt, and then CRUNCH!
What is the geekiest part of your music collection? The decaying Savage Garden "Affirmation" CD. Honestly, the only song I still listen to is "2 beds and a coffee machine", and that didnt have passable lyrics either.
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? Windstruck/ My Sassy Girl/ Love Actually. And incidentally, they happen to be my fave movies ((:
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? Lasik/Double-eye lid (notice that I've uneven eyes) on left eye. But then again, I prolly wont have the guts to undergo the horrors. Imperfections can be beautiful too.
Do you have a completely irrational fear? Seafood. Be it cooked or raw, Im petrified!!
What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? Constant adjusting of hair/ clasping and unclasping of hands/ the "not knowing where to put my hands" syndrome.
Do you know anyone famous? Oh, I've met tonnes of famous local stars. I seem to be a magnet for them, but truth is, I aint remotely close to anyone famous.
Who would play you in a movie? Any main female character with a tragic love life/ dysfunctional lifestyle/ tormented by misery and pain every moment. I think I'll even win a Razzie for that! Lol. (I cant act lah..)
What do you carry with you at all times? Handphone, purse and mirror.
What do you miss most about being a kid? Carefree lifestyle and happiness and damn fun and exiciting playtimes!
What colour is your bedroom? Oh, it's a sickening myraid of colours. Hoho.
What was the last song you were listening to? "Drop it Like it's Hot" by Snoop Dogg and (my) Pharell Williams!!
Have you ever been in a play? Yeah, in primary school. I was this tiny character, Titania or something in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Back then, I was already a Fairy Queen, hoho!
Have you ever been in love? Eh, next question.
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? Way too much.
Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? How can they??? They make me cry way too much.
What is your ideal marriage location? Kokomo (on a summer's evening), or the Notre Dame in Paris, or any Roman church.
Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? Piano. Who doesnt huh?
Favorite fabric? Satin, without a doubt.
What’s the one language you want to learn? Im ohk with my current standing, ie only mastery of the English language. But if I could, I wanna learn Chinese all over again.
What do you order at a bar? Gosh, I've never ordered before. Perhaps Margarita on the rocks, cuz it sounds darn nice ((:
Have you ever pierced your body parts?My ears. Duh.
Do you have tattoos?Nope. Not intending to either.
Do you drive a stick?Stick?!! I'll drive a car the instant it's legally possible ((:
Favorite trait of the opposite sex? Chivalry, AND that cool charm they exude unknowingly.
What kind of watch do you wear? My darling Fossil watch. It's one of my longest love affairs (next to 52) because I love the fusion of retro and the beach-feel. A tasteful contrast, but not many appreciate it's beauty.
Most frivolous purchase? None so far. Im a miser/thrift at heart.
What are you best at cooking? Cup noodles!!! Ah, I believe I can cook a mean spaghetti even when I havent learnt how to. It's in my blood (:
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Sure. I think some guys are WAY COOL.
What’s one car you will never buy? Japanese cars.
What kind of books do you like to read? Travel lit, tragic romance, philosophy, (get this!) zodiac and dark comics.
If you won the lottery, what would you do? 1/3 travel, 1/3 parents, 1/3 savings.
Do you cry in front of your friends?I’m not ashamed to say I do.
What’s one thing you like to do alone? Bathe. Hahahaha...that's a pretty redundant answer I admit. But I love comapany too much to cook up one.
Are you a giver or a taker? I'd love to take. Absolutely love to. It's funny how life makes me the advocate of "goodness" and I end up giving most of my life though.
When’s the last time you cried? Last night.
How many drinks before you’re tipsy /sleepy? Half a bottle of wine, and I walk like a crippled.
How do you eat an apple? Wipe it on my shirt, and then CRUNCH!
dysphoria came at 1:54 PM
|
Summer
The orb of relentless heat and light,
It radiates hope, warmth and love.
Cold surrenders without a fight,
The beach has become our treasure trove.
Tis the season to free-wheel
Into the embrace of warm kisses .
Wipe off your worries and feel,
Don’t look back to salvage the pieces.
These months are yours,
Moments from my life, I dedicate to you only.
I cant afford nary a pause,
Because chances have slipped from my folly.
Darling, I want you to live in bliss,
In a time you solely represent.
You’re the sun, the warmth, the kiss,
I’d fight for, even when faith’s scant.
Dreadful miles separates,
Though that doesn’t compare to the distance in our hearts.
We have different dreams on our plates,
Even memories flow in fragmented parts.
But we’ll still experience summer, wont we?
Wherever we are,
Whatever beauty that makes us smile with glee,
Same experiences never keep us far.
Summer is you.
And so, all my summers are for you.
Ah people, it's been so long since I penned such meaningless warbles, so do forgive me. I've lost touch with all things Literature, I was almost intimidated by the prospect of this foray. But I had to. There's so much wistfulness in me, I'd just die if there's no venting outlet.
And you know, I've watched Windstruck twice today already, and "Hallelujah" is on loop. I wonder if it sounds sick, but it sure feels good crying once in a while. All the sadness outside makes me feel better inside. At least it takes my mind off him.
Since I first watched "Silence of the Lambs", I was SO godamn inspired by Clarice Starling, I wanted to become a criminal psychologist myself. I still do...but you see, if I cant even salvage my own life, how can I help others? This incredible mess has got me entangled deeper than I believed, and the sole cure is the frickin source of this mess.
Ah, let me just cry myself to sleep and tomorrow might be a better day. Pray for me.
Love
Vicks
The orb of relentless heat and light,
It radiates hope, warmth and love.
Cold surrenders without a fight,
The beach has become our treasure trove.
Tis the season to free-wheel
Into the embrace of warm kisses .
Wipe off your worries and feel,
Don’t look back to salvage the pieces.
These months are yours,
Moments from my life, I dedicate to you only.
I cant afford nary a pause,
Because chances have slipped from my folly.
Darling, I want you to live in bliss,
In a time you solely represent.
You’re the sun, the warmth, the kiss,
I’d fight for, even when faith’s scant.
Dreadful miles separates,
Though that doesn’t compare to the distance in our hearts.
We have different dreams on our plates,
Even memories flow in fragmented parts.
But we’ll still experience summer, wont we?
Wherever we are,
Whatever beauty that makes us smile with glee,
Same experiences never keep us far.
Summer is you.
And so, all my summers are for you.
Ah people, it's been so long since I penned such meaningless warbles, so do forgive me. I've lost touch with all things Literature, I was almost intimidated by the prospect of this foray. But I had to. There's so much wistfulness in me, I'd just die if there's no venting outlet.
And you know, I've watched Windstruck twice today already, and "Hallelujah" is on loop. I wonder if it sounds sick, but it sure feels good crying once in a while. All the sadness outside makes me feel better inside. At least it takes my mind off him.
Since I first watched "Silence of the Lambs", I was SO godamn inspired by Clarice Starling, I wanted to become a criminal psychologist myself. I still do...but you see, if I cant even salvage my own life, how can I help others? This incredible mess has got me entangled deeper than I believed, and the sole cure is the frickin source of this mess.
Ah, let me just cry myself to sleep and tomorrow might be a better day. Pray for me.
Love
Vicks
dysphoria came at 1:59 AM
|
Oh god. Oh god.
Now that the moron has laid everything out on the table, I.CANNOT.FACE.HIM.
Thou shalt block him on msn and ignore ALL his sms-es and phonecalls.
I've told him straight out before. I really had. 52 will always live and rule my world. But did he believe? Does anyone understand how I feel huh?
It's so scary, the way he professes. It's isnt like my confession, because at least mine was heartfelt and sincere. His was....well, Im too irked and ashamed to even mention it. That was the worst of all my similar embarassing experiences. Im seriously frustrated, and freaked outta my wits.
I'm mean and shall remain so, because Im not at liberty to give out love, when Im so cruelly deprived of it myself. Life is never fair, but Im the advocate of all goodness. Whatever Im denied, I deny others too.
Hohoho.
Now, who can blame a girl who has lost her soul and mind for love?
Have some sympathy for the she-devil please.
Now that the moron has laid everything out on the table, I.CANNOT.FACE.HIM.
Thou shalt block him on msn and ignore ALL his sms-es and phonecalls.
I've told him straight out before. I really had. 52 will always live and rule my world. But did he believe? Does anyone understand how I feel huh?
It's so scary, the way he professes. It's isnt like my confession, because at least mine was heartfelt and sincere. His was....well, Im too irked and ashamed to even mention it. That was the worst of all my similar embarassing experiences. Im seriously frustrated, and freaked outta my wits.
I'm mean and shall remain so, because Im not at liberty to give out love, when Im so cruelly deprived of it myself. Life is never fair, but Im the advocate of all goodness. Whatever Im denied, I deny others too.
Hohoho.
Now, who can blame a girl who has lost her soul and mind for love?
Have some sympathy for the she-devil please.
dysphoria came at 8:45 PM
|
Down, down down.
Im feverish, have a runny nose, and walk like a crippled.
Hohoho. But Angklung was sorta fun today. I should have enjoyed it while happiness lasted, because the UBER cool instructor wont come back for another 3 weeks. :(
Oh yes.
Im never good at dealing with rejection. I ignore it, and run as far away as possible. I feel very uneasy and guilty for that, but you cant force feelings out of something as bland as sawdust. Oh god, why do I feel like I've done the greatest wrong on earth?
What 52 did was worse, wasnt it? He ignored me for a whole year. At least I told that moron the truth. 52 didnt even glance at me, much less squeeze out a smile.
I just dont want to spend something as special as Feb14 with any random person. Wouldnt the friends I love so much be a better option? ((:
Love
Vicks
Im feverish, have a runny nose, and walk like a crippled.
Hohoho. But Angklung was sorta fun today. I should have enjoyed it while happiness lasted, because the UBER cool instructor wont come back for another 3 weeks. :(
Oh yes.
Im never good at dealing with rejection. I ignore it, and run as far away as possible. I feel very uneasy and guilty for that, but you cant force feelings out of something as bland as sawdust. Oh god, why do I feel like I've done the greatest wrong on earth?
What 52 did was worse, wasnt it? He ignored me for a whole year. At least I told that moron the truth. 52 didnt even glance at me, much less squeeze out a smile.
I just dont want to spend something as special as Feb14 with any random person. Wouldnt the friends I love so much be a better option? ((:
Love
Vicks
dysphoria came at 8:02 PM
|
TGIF.
Seriously, I meant every word of that with my hart.
Fridays alleviate depression momentarily. Saturdays are play-days. Sundays are "relak" days.
When the A levels end, everyday will be like the weekend for me. You know what? I even find working MUCH MORE pleasurable than studying. At least you're getting paid and appreciated for your painstaking efforts, and it's a duty of choice. Studying force-feeds information irrelevant to our lives down our throats, so more than often, we're left gagging and gasping for air.
Oh education, you big, big devil. I curse your life through an eternity, as Im sure you'll last that long.
Radioblog: Im digging it!! It's my only source of vast, expanse music now that I dare not downloaded (hem, hem!) from the Net.
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
one that was drawn from her lips, her heart.
[[Tragic stories lie alongside melancholic music when it comes to food for my heart.]]
Love loads,
Vicks
Edit: I met Tweety's gaze today. We were at the pigeon hole after school, when I turned, and saw him walking to and fro. Ah, I guess he's prolly waiting for his gf (who looks like his Mum really). I tried, but couldnt keep my eyes off him. Being the super energetic and enthu boy that he is, he kept looking EVERYWHERE. And finally, he looked at me twice. You know, Im quite sure he knows Im noticing him, and that Im not quite the normal girl....but I dont care. It gives me inexplicable joy, although it pales in comparison to what 52's gaze can make me feel. I could fly with 52, but with Tweety, I jumo like a kid in excitement ((:
He's CUUUUUUTEEEE! Not my, tanned, fit and sporty type, nor does he suit my bad-boy fetishes, but..I'll make an exception just for him. Tra-lala.
Seriously, I meant every word of that with my hart.
Fridays alleviate depression momentarily. Saturdays are play-days. Sundays are "relak" days.
When the A levels end, everyday will be like the weekend for me. You know what? I even find working MUCH MORE pleasurable than studying. At least you're getting paid and appreciated for your painstaking efforts, and it's a duty of choice. Studying force-feeds information irrelevant to our lives down our throats, so more than often, we're left gagging and gasping for air.
Oh education, you big, big devil. I curse your life through an eternity, as Im sure you'll last that long.
Radioblog: Im digging it!! It's my only source of vast, expanse music now that I dare not downloaded (hem, hem!) from the Net.
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
one that was drawn from her lips, her heart.
[[Tragic stories lie alongside melancholic music when it comes to food for my heart.]]
Love loads,
Vicks
Edit: I met Tweety's gaze today. We were at the pigeon hole after school, when I turned, and saw him walking to and fro. Ah, I guess he's prolly waiting for his gf (who looks like his Mum really). I tried, but couldnt keep my eyes off him. Being the super energetic and enthu boy that he is, he kept looking EVERYWHERE. And finally, he looked at me twice. You know, Im quite sure he knows Im noticing him, and that Im not quite the normal girl....but I dont care. It gives me inexplicable joy, although it pales in comparison to what 52's gaze can make me feel. I could fly with 52, but with Tweety, I jumo like a kid in excitement ((:
He's CUUUUUUTEEEE! Not my, tanned, fit and sporty type, nor does he suit my bad-boy fetishes, but..I'll make an exception just for him. Tra-lala.
dysphoria came at 8:09 PM
|
Why depression?
Well, I think I know why misery and despair clings on desperately to me the moment the 1st 3 months ended. They have an eternal love affair with me, an affair that is perhaps WAY past it's due date. Now now, a stale relationship doesnt kill....but it does rapture the soul and optimism, leaving but an empty shell behind.
As for the reason why Im this popular among negativity, well...
I need love.
Constant, unwavering, passionate love.
When the honeymoon period ended, my clique was mercilessly torn apart. I lost my amazing friendship with my favourite senior, my OGL. I found out how much I loved 52. I was panicky because I was sick of not being the top student and lack encouragement. Nobody was there for me all these while. Yes, there were friends, but those are superficial relationships....nothing that can move earth and mountains.
When I was in Nanhua, I hated the school to death. But I had the best company around. The best. Im positive now that there's no other school I will attend that will make me have such sentiments. My best friends gave me the love, support and advice I needed. They pulled me up when I fell clumsily from grace. They wiped my tears, and lent their shoulders when the tears overflowed. They laughed, played and gone through the toughest time with me....Jokers, Madmen5, Choifong, HuanHui, Fifi, The Animals, Rose, Zheng Rong.
These people arent with me now. I've even lost contact with some of them. As such, when the going got so much more arduous during the course of the year, I couldnt take it. I had to succumb to depression. It's a disease, almost an addiction that afflicts your heart and mind.
All I want is hugs, kisses and words of concern. NOBODY in NJ has ever provided me with that. It's killing me bit by bit. Why, have I entered such an unloving, unfeeling school? Where exactly is the LOVE?
After chatting with Lannie and Hui, my heart wrenched so dreadfully, I cried. I miss them. I miss NPCC. I miss everything happy and carefree of the past, when I had love.
Have I really done anything incorrigible to be so cruelly deprived of love?
Perhaps nobody cares after all.
Well, I think I know why misery and despair clings on desperately to me the moment the 1st 3 months ended. They have an eternal love affair with me, an affair that is perhaps WAY past it's due date. Now now, a stale relationship doesnt kill....but it does rapture the soul and optimism, leaving but an empty shell behind.
As for the reason why Im this popular among negativity, well...
I need love.
Constant, unwavering, passionate love.
When the honeymoon period ended, my clique was mercilessly torn apart. I lost my amazing friendship with my favourite senior, my OGL. I found out how much I loved 52. I was panicky because I was sick of not being the top student and lack encouragement. Nobody was there for me all these while. Yes, there were friends, but those are superficial relationships....nothing that can move earth and mountains.
When I was in Nanhua, I hated the school to death. But I had the best company around. The best. Im positive now that there's no other school I will attend that will make me have such sentiments. My best friends gave me the love, support and advice I needed. They pulled me up when I fell clumsily from grace. They wiped my tears, and lent their shoulders when the tears overflowed. They laughed, played and gone through the toughest time with me....Jokers, Madmen5, Choifong, HuanHui, Fifi, The Animals, Rose, Zheng Rong.
These people arent with me now. I've even lost contact with some of them. As such, when the going got so much more arduous during the course of the year, I couldnt take it. I had to succumb to depression. It's a disease, almost an addiction that afflicts your heart and mind.
All I want is hugs, kisses and words of concern. NOBODY in NJ has ever provided me with that. It's killing me bit by bit. Why, have I entered such an unloving, unfeeling school? Where exactly is the LOVE?
After chatting with Lannie and Hui, my heart wrenched so dreadfully, I cried. I miss them. I miss NPCC. I miss everything happy and carefree of the past, when I had love.
Have I really done anything incorrigible to be so cruelly deprived of love?
Perhaps nobody cares after all.
dysphoria came at 10:49 PM
|
The Very Irksome Life
Im a very prominent stigma of the NJC student image. I have blond streaks (albeit somewhat faded)in my hair, skirt that ends at mid-thigh, shirt that ends at the hemline of my skirt, and scowl like Im a female gangsta. It has been this way since the year started, and I was perfectly comfortable with that, because I was still the same old me. But, I doubt people have similar perception of me now. Everytime I look into the mirror, I do sense a subtle change....but what is it exactly? My attitude? Yeah, I guess it must be that.
I think I'm an absolute horror. My new image is a nightmare of my old self and of NJ's reputation. The problem is, although I know perfectly well what kinda bad vibe Im giving out, I aint motivated to change. There's no reason to do so, is there? There's no one to impress, to fall in love with, and to strut my stuff to. Lol. So does it even matter what others think of me?
Oh, and btw, I absolutely dig "Drop it Like It's Hot" because it's sleazy, upbeat, and sang by HOT RAPPERS. You see what a ghost of my past I've become??
Bad, bad mood. Im disappointed in our friendship. There's mutiny in the ranks and it's devastating to a relationship, but we only wanted to protect ourselves. You treat us like ragdolls? Well, we retaliate too ya know? Things will no longer be the same between us, because it was YOU who drove this wedge to separate us. I dont hate you, but the feeling is materialising out of my control.
I need all the love in the world. And more than ever, I need 52 real bad.
I dont know what Im excited over,
But your smile...
I'd rather receive it as a personal encouragement.
I dont know what Im dreaming for,
But I believe,
You will see me eventually.
At every passing moment,
I'll be the one by your side.
It was a moment of passionate impulse that lasted too long.
The drama acted out behind your back
has never ever seen daylights.
I suspect everything's the masterpiece of my mind.
There's so many make-beliefs,
that perhaps reality has slipped through my fingers.
Darling, you never really knew me.
But I knew you like the back of my hand.
All hail depression!
And sooner or later, the dam that I've build up for so long will finally give in. The tears are overwhelming pressure on my emotional and physical being, it's getting rather hard to breathe at times.
Psst, listening to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" helps a hell lot....because it makes me grief all over again. Im a sadist, even with myself ((:
Vicks
Im a very prominent stigma of the NJC student image. I have blond streaks (albeit somewhat faded)in my hair, skirt that ends at mid-thigh, shirt that ends at the hemline of my skirt, and scowl like Im a female gangsta. It has been this way since the year started, and I was perfectly comfortable with that, because I was still the same old me. But, I doubt people have similar perception of me now. Everytime I look into the mirror, I do sense a subtle change....but what is it exactly? My attitude? Yeah, I guess it must be that.
I think I'm an absolute horror. My new image is a nightmare of my old self and of NJ's reputation. The problem is, although I know perfectly well what kinda bad vibe Im giving out, I aint motivated to change. There's no reason to do so, is there? There's no one to impress, to fall in love with, and to strut my stuff to. Lol. So does it even matter what others think of me?
Oh, and btw, I absolutely dig "Drop it Like It's Hot" because it's sleazy, upbeat, and sang by HOT RAPPERS. You see what a ghost of my past I've become??
Bad, bad mood. Im disappointed in our friendship. There's mutiny in the ranks and it's devastating to a relationship, but we only wanted to protect ourselves. You treat us like ragdolls? Well, we retaliate too ya know? Things will no longer be the same between us, because it was YOU who drove this wedge to separate us. I dont hate you, but the feeling is materialising out of my control.
I need all the love in the world. And more than ever, I need 52 real bad.
I dont know what Im excited over,
But your smile...
I'd rather receive it as a personal encouragement.
I dont know what Im dreaming for,
But I believe,
You will see me eventually.
At every passing moment,
I'll be the one by your side.
It was a moment of passionate impulse that lasted too long.
The drama acted out behind your back
has never ever seen daylights.
I suspect everything's the masterpiece of my mind.
There's so many make-beliefs,
that perhaps reality has slipped through my fingers.
Darling, you never really knew me.
But I knew you like the back of my hand.
All hail depression!
And sooner or later, the dam that I've build up for so long will finally give in. The tears are overwhelming pressure on my emotional and physical being, it's getting rather hard to breathe at times.
Psst, listening to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" helps a hell lot....because it makes me grief all over again. Im a sadist, even with myself ((:
Vicks
dysphoria came at 6:29 PM
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A million Whys dashing thru my hare-brain
- Why do I feel so tired all over again? I can barely stay awake once I arrive home, that homework is more than often left incomplete.
- Why did I almost faint this morning, right after my 2.4km run? And why, did I clock such a pathetic time? There is something seriously wrong with me. I believe No1, and 2 is linked.
- Why did I have to use my old folder again, and see 52's neglected (and stolen) photos in it? Why at this time, when I could be happy if he isnt around? Why am I destiny's favourite toy? Why is my love damned and destructive?
- Why did I feel that all too familiar bittersweet feeling spreading thruout my heart when I glance at the photos? Why, couldnt I refrain from glancing at it? Why did I look at it whenever the nausea struck, and all of a sudden, I'll be kicking butt again?
- Why do I still feel like looking at him for every moment of my life?
- Why did my WHOLE GP class oppose me when I commented that death penalty is a crime in itself? It denies offenders of a chance of repentance. Wouldnt a lifetime imprisonment, with possibility of parole, be a much merciful, and just option? The law would have complete control over that person's life then, there is ABSOLUTELY no need to take a life for a life.
- Why is the world so ruthless, selfish and uncaring?
- Why is my blog always "Exceeding its bandwidth"?
- Why do I always not realise it, and have my limited, but ardent blog readers tell me instead?
- Why do I get 12 visitors a day, when no one can read my entries? (Hahahaha! I find this damn funny). Of this 12 visitors, how come only one told me about this problem? (Apathy at work here?)
- Why am I too lazy to do anything about it? Why do I secretly find joy in blogging to myself, instead of making public what is meant to be esoteric?
- Why did I receive a V-day invitation a month early (2 weeks ago) from a moron, who pesters me daily with SMS-es and phonecalls, when all I want is 52?
- Why cant morons like the aforementioned get the message that there ALWAYS will be 52 ONLY? Why cant these annoyers keep out of my life, and let me love him in peace?
14. Why couldnt he love me, as much I have always loved him??
Vicks
dysphoria came at 9:54 PM
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