I
WALKED
PAST
HIM
TODAY.
a distance of 1cm or less!
i could feel our sleeves rustle. my left and his right. i could sense his shadow looming over me. if i strained, i would have heard his breathing. for once in many days, i felt my lips twitching..into an unmistakable smile. a smile right from the heart. borne of true happiness, of bittersweet origin. our eyes met, but he didnt smile. that doesnt matter to me anymore dear.
[[what business is it of yours if i fall in love with you?]]
that's the truest, and funniest statement ever made about love.
anyway, do you know that was my closest contact, both physically and emotionally, to him, ever? there was an undeniable connection. i dont know if i repulse him, but if he was sickened by such close proximity, i thank god that he didnt show it.in the library after school, i think our eyes met once again. such a sweet day, pity i cant enjoy it enough.
I would have screamed if i were the old me. i would have raved non-stop and smile foolishly for the rest of the day. it would have kept my spirits up, and i would be more of the ditz that i am.
but times haves changed. now i don't mean to sound depressing and dampen your already downcast moods. i was happy, no doubt. im clinging on to all possible sources of happiness these days, and trying to spread it around. nj's in dire need of joy. at least i could survive gp exam because of that. i don't care if i i get a C. oh god, just let me pass.
im crying so much at home these days, my mum's pretty worried. she suggested that the whole family migrates. i'd give anything to live in a stress-free environment now. US? Aussie? UK? i have no preference. and i tell you, as much as i profess my love for everything here, im seriously contemplating on leaving. i just cant take it. I CANT. nj has done so much to destroy my school life. im like this mope with dazed eyes and a very fugly face.
all i want is for this hell to end. just a few more days, i know. but can i take it? im like damn weak and helpless now. HAPPINESS OH HAPPINESS, WHY DO YOU ELUDE ME?
vicks
WALKED
PAST
HIM
TODAY.
a distance of 1cm or less!
i could feel our sleeves rustle. my left and his right. i could sense his shadow looming over me. if i strained, i would have heard his breathing. for once in many days, i felt my lips twitching..into an unmistakable smile. a smile right from the heart. borne of true happiness, of bittersweet origin. our eyes met, but he didnt smile. that doesnt matter to me anymore dear.
[[what business is it of yours if i fall in love with you?]]
that's the truest, and funniest statement ever made about love.
anyway, do you know that was my closest contact, both physically and emotionally, to him, ever? there was an undeniable connection. i dont know if i repulse him, but if he was sickened by such close proximity, i thank god that he didnt show it.in the library after school, i think our eyes met once again. such a sweet day, pity i cant enjoy it enough.
I would have screamed if i were the old me. i would have raved non-stop and smile foolishly for the rest of the day. it would have kept my spirits up, and i would be more of the ditz that i am.
but times haves changed. now i don't mean to sound depressing and dampen your already downcast moods. i was happy, no doubt. im clinging on to all possible sources of happiness these days, and trying to spread it around. nj's in dire need of joy. at least i could survive gp exam because of that. i don't care if i i get a C. oh god, just let me pass.
im crying so much at home these days, my mum's pretty worried. she suggested that the whole family migrates. i'd give anything to live in a stress-free environment now. US? Aussie? UK? i have no preference. and i tell you, as much as i profess my love for everything here, im seriously contemplating on leaving. i just cant take it. I CANT. nj has done so much to destroy my school life. im like this mope with dazed eyes and a very fugly face.
all i want is for this hell to end. just a few more days, i know. but can i take it? im like damn weak and helpless now. HAPPINESS OH HAPPINESS, WHY DO YOU ELUDE ME?
vicks
dysphoria came at 8:51 PM
|
i dont want to get epilepsy. i most certainly dont want to die.
HOW??
it's so scary. death seems so appealing. im so afraid of reverting to my suicidal tendencies. it's seemingly stupid eh? you think i have no love for life eh? i would like you to be me for a day. i try so much to remain unaffected by the tension and pressure of my peers, but im only 17. i cannot help being affected.
even if i die, will i go to hell? i believe i have done nothing wrong, even if i resort to suicide. im not calling out for attention. i need a long break from life. i need to stop breathing in nj to be happy.
please dont punish me god.
please dont let me experience that unbearable pain, should the time come.
please let me have a blissful death, should i reach the deadend.
HOW??
it's so scary. death seems so appealing. im so afraid of reverting to my suicidal tendencies. it's seemingly stupid eh? you think i have no love for life eh? i would like you to be me for a day. i try so much to remain unaffected by the tension and pressure of my peers, but im only 17. i cannot help being affected.
even if i die, will i go to hell? i believe i have done nothing wrong, even if i resort to suicide. im not calling out for attention. i need a long break from life. i need to stop breathing in nj to be happy.
please dont punish me god.
please dont let me experience that unbearable pain, should the time come.
please let me have a blissful death, should i reach the deadend.
dysphoria came at 8:15 PM
|
nj IS a hell-hole.
i just witnessed a poor guy having an epilepsy attack during math lecture.
im so, so shaken by it.
i mean, what else could be the reason, other than stress, and undulating stress? it's so hard and painful just to be student these days. FITS ,YOU KNOW. it's scary. i was left appalled and speechless.
im seriously heading towards a breakdown too. although i hope it wont be epilepsy. i was SO close to it last week.
i realise i tend to keep to myself when stressed. as much as i would like to spill my heart out, i just cant open up without prompting. i would just smile, joke and laugh like before. i simply dont understand how come im this reserved when it comes to personal issues. i. just. cant. speak. up.
nj is such a sad place. i stayed back just a while to do some pw stuffs, and already it was deserted like a morgue. there was nary a footstep or ring of laughter. the only people left were those staying back to study. how can a school have no smiles? it has been only 2 wks and everythuing has changed. i had this urge to yell, " WAKE UP NJ. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?" , and shake all of my friends back to life, but i had no guts. everything's changed.
my biggest regret in life, is to enter nj.
im suffering like crazy here, and no one understands.
there's no more 52 to look forward to. there's nothing that keeps me sane.
i feel so much like dying now, but how could i? there's so much frickin obligations, so much duties to fufil. i cant even control my own life, for christs' sake! since when did jc education become this hard? since when did i start to hate the school i once loved so much? since when did i stop smiling from true happiness?
I HATE NJ
vicks
i just witnessed a poor guy having an epilepsy attack during math lecture.
im so, so shaken by it.
i mean, what else could be the reason, other than stress, and undulating stress? it's so hard and painful just to be student these days. FITS ,YOU KNOW. it's scary. i was left appalled and speechless.
im seriously heading towards a breakdown too. although i hope it wont be epilepsy. i was SO close to it last week.
i realise i tend to keep to myself when stressed. as much as i would like to spill my heart out, i just cant open up without prompting. i would just smile, joke and laugh like before. i simply dont understand how come im this reserved when it comes to personal issues. i. just. cant. speak. up.
nj is such a sad place. i stayed back just a while to do some pw stuffs, and already it was deserted like a morgue. there was nary a footstep or ring of laughter. the only people left were those staying back to study. how can a school have no smiles? it has been only 2 wks and everythuing has changed. i had this urge to yell, " WAKE UP NJ. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?" , and shake all of my friends back to life, but i had no guts. everything's changed.
my biggest regret in life, is to enter nj.
im suffering like crazy here, and no one understands.
there's no more 52 to look forward to. there's nothing that keeps me sane.
i feel so much like dying now, but how could i? there's so much frickin obligations, so much duties to fufil. i cant even control my own life, for christs' sake! since when did jc education become this hard? since when did i start to hate the school i once loved so much? since when did i stop smiling from true happiness?
I HATE NJ
vicks
dysphoria came at 7:31 PM
|
im seriously not in the mood for blogging. did you notice my entries getting shorter and more dull lately? i've even uttered a few forbidden words from the singlish, or two! damn!
however, as sick to the bone as i feel, i must leave this memory.
KEL, I LOVE YOU.
it may be my emotions running high at this incredibly stressful period...but well, kel, i know you read this. thanks so much for caring and being my buddy. you never fail to touch me as well as u irritate me. hoho!
will blog more when i feel better. have so much crap to get out of me man!
there're so many things that make me wanna cry these days. i think this is a consequence of instability and stress combined. im unrooted from my days of being sad over 52. it's a new lifestyle i need getting used to. it's a new lonliness i've yet to cope with. oh god, i really, really wanna break down so much...but can i afford that luxury?
love
vicks
however, as sick to the bone as i feel, i must leave this memory.
KEL, I LOVE YOU.
it may be my emotions running high at this incredibly stressful period...but well, kel, i know you read this. thanks so much for caring and being my buddy. you never fail to touch me as well as u irritate me. hoho!
will blog more when i feel better. have so much crap to get out of me man!
there're so many things that make me wanna cry these days. i think this is a consequence of instability and stress combined. im unrooted from my days of being sad over 52. it's a new lifestyle i need getting used to. it's a new lonliness i've yet to cope with. oh god, i really, really wanna break down so much...but can i afford that luxury?
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 9:06 PM
|
im seriously not in the mood for blogging. did you notice my entries getting shorter and more dull lately? i've even uttered a few forbidden words from the singlish, or two! damn!
however, as sick to the bone as i feel, i must leave this memory.
KEL, I LOVE YOU.
it may be my emotions running high at this incredibly stressful period...but well, kel, i know you read this. thanks so much for caring and being my buddy. you never fail to touch me as well as u irritate me. hoho!
will blog more when i feel better. have so much crap to get out of me man!
love
vicks
however, as sick to the bone as i feel, i must leave this memory.
KEL, I LOVE YOU.
it may be my emotions running high at this incredibly stressful period...but well, kel, i know you read this. thanks so much for caring and being my buddy. you never fail to touch me as well as u irritate me. hoho!
will blog more when i feel better. have so much crap to get out of me man!
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 9:06 PM
|
i realised, during yesterday's trip to the clinic (yes, again!) that doctors can be young AND hot too! woot! and they were long-sleeved shirt that are folded right up to their elbows! they are lanky, speak immaculate english, and darn right caring enough.
why oh why didnt i take triple science? i wanna take medicine now! go away journalism, mass comm, psychology, biotech and the what-nots! i wanna study medicine, find a rich talented young doctor and marry him!
*dreams on*
and btw, im missing school again today. this sucks, but what can i do? at least that young and HOT doctor has cured me now..im eternally grateful (:
love
vicks
why oh why didnt i take triple science? i wanna take medicine now! go away journalism, mass comm, psychology, biotech and the what-nots! i wanna study medicine, find a rich talented young doctor and marry him!
*dreams on*
and btw, im missing school again today. this sucks, but what can i do? at least that young and HOT doctor has cured me now..im eternally grateful (:
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 10:18 AM
|
missed school on friday, against my will. hmph! mothers dont understand when you insist on going to school. i HAD to see my man, but unfortunately, i think i was too sick.
up till now, im like half-dead. i cant sit for 5 mins straight without feeling the overwhelming urge to lie down. i dont think i can survive promos already lah...dammit!
if i get to school on mon, without people preventing me, i think i will let my hair down. he only teaches year1s i think! that means he wont be teaching us soon, once promos commences! AHHH! i should leaVe a good impression dont ya think so? yep, i will be image-conscious once in a long, long while.
love
vicks
up till now, im like half-dead. i cant sit for 5 mins straight without feeling the overwhelming urge to lie down. i dont think i can survive promos already lah...dammit!
if i get to school on mon, without people preventing me, i think i will let my hair down. he only teaches year1s i think! that means he wont be teaching us soon, once promos commences! AHHH! i should leaVe a good impression dont ya think so? yep, i will be image-conscious once in a long, long while.
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 4:34 PM
|
if i could, i would write a heart-wrenching poem about love and life. but like the rest of my being, my brain has abandoned me. imma derelict shell, and a ugly one at that. nobody cares about a whiny mope who stares blankly all day. they think im sick. i am, but there's so much more wrong with me. insensitivity kills me. i miss rose and people who show me concern. i miss having someone i can talk to and cry on.
i wanna talk and cry so much, but no one is there! what can i do???
if i had the ability, i would die long ago and stopper this pain.
i wanna talk and cry so much, but no one is there! what can i do???
if i had the ability, i would die long ago and stopper this pain.
dysphoria came at 9:58 PM
|
i just cried my eyes out, because i ponned remedial. haha, like since when do i feel guilty over some minor deed like this? well, since mr yeo became my fave teacher-cum idol.
the only time i skipped remedial (reason will be explained later), was one of the few times he actually conducted the lesson. DAMN! i wanted to kill myself when hui sms-ed me. imagine all the chances of talking to him, listening in to his jokers, watching his smile!! of course there was guilt too. the funny thing is, when my mum asked me why was the remedial that important that i cried, i couldnt answer her. i just told her i let my teacher down. hoho! like mr tan really cares. i just missed mr yeo, simple reason.
and anyway, i think i was THIS close to an epilepsy attack. there's this very, very uneasy feeling deep in my tummy this afternoon. no matter what i did, it wouldnt budge. i felt like vomitting, but from experience, i will only cause distress aroud me. in the end, all my tutorials was spent contemplating on whether i should attend remedial. i couldnt pay attention, nope, not when im this close to promos. i had diffculty smiling and being happy.
in fact, it's so hard to be happy now. i was at the library this afternoon, looking out the big glass panel. the sun was SO warm and cheery. do you know that that sun never reaches nj at all? all the predictability, stress level and frowns masked all possible shreds of joy. you cant even indulge in the simple pleasures of life here. this time last year, i was actually in nj, consulting some teachers over subject combis. i remebered looking out of that panel too, fantasising about all the fun i would have here. it was all an illusion...i think i imagined too much out of nj. how could a morgue hold happiness?
then again, maybe things seem especially dull because 52's outta my life. i have no motivation anymore. no, not even promos. I HATE PROMOS.
it's supposed to be a personal secret, but...well, I HATE NJ TOO. ):
vicks
the only time i skipped remedial (reason will be explained later), was one of the few times he actually conducted the lesson. DAMN! i wanted to kill myself when hui sms-ed me. imagine all the chances of talking to him, listening in to his jokers, watching his smile!! of course there was guilt too. the funny thing is, when my mum asked me why was the remedial that important that i cried, i couldnt answer her. i just told her i let my teacher down. hoho! like mr tan really cares. i just missed mr yeo, simple reason.
and anyway, i think i was THIS close to an epilepsy attack. there's this very, very uneasy feeling deep in my tummy this afternoon. no matter what i did, it wouldnt budge. i felt like vomitting, but from experience, i will only cause distress aroud me. in the end, all my tutorials was spent contemplating on whether i should attend remedial. i couldnt pay attention, nope, not when im this close to promos. i had diffculty smiling and being happy.
in fact, it's so hard to be happy now. i was at the library this afternoon, looking out the big glass panel. the sun was SO warm and cheery. do you know that that sun never reaches nj at all? all the predictability, stress level and frowns masked all possible shreds of joy. you cant even indulge in the simple pleasures of life here. this time last year, i was actually in nj, consulting some teachers over subject combis. i remebered looking out of that panel too, fantasising about all the fun i would have here. it was all an illusion...i think i imagined too much out of nj. how could a morgue hold happiness?
then again, maybe things seem especially dull because 52's outta my life. i have no motivation anymore. no, not even promos. I HATE PROMOS.
it's supposed to be a personal secret, but...well, I HATE NJ TOO. ):
vicks
dysphoria came at 9:06 PM
|
i lost my voice today. i cant talk as much as i like, cant laugh, cant scream. sigh, imagine a livewire like me not being able to talk! hoho!
guys that use hankies are damn irresistable dont ya think so? it's so gentlemanly, so matured, so...yummy (: i will marry a guy who use a hanky. i doubt it will be 52, since i've never seen him use one before, and it's like over between us.
he rubbed his nose with his hanky! ah! that's cute!it was grey and white. "manly" colours, like what he usually dons. oh, did i mention i love his dress sense as well? long sleeved shirt folded up to his elbows. awwwwww... his smile is cute, his every little antic makes me melt.
love,
vicks
guys that use hankies are damn irresistable dont ya think so? it's so gentlemanly, so matured, so...yummy (: i will marry a guy who use a hanky. i doubt it will be 52, since i've never seen him use one before, and it's like over between us.
he rubbed his nose with his hanky! ah! that's cute!it was grey and white. "manly" colours, like what he usually dons. oh, did i mention i love his dress sense as well? long sleeved shirt folded up to his elbows. awwwwww... his smile is cute, his every little antic makes me melt.
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 8:20 PM
|
i think this illness is making me lose a lot of my hair. whenever i run my fingers through it, tens of strands would fall off. i wonder if it's lack of vitamins or some genetic problem. argh!! i dont wanna suffer from premature BALDING! and besides, i thought it's usually men, elderly men, who bald??
because of my hair problem, i cant let my hair down now! hmph!! it looks like it's suffering from split ends, and curls out at weird angles. hohoho. do you know what i look like now? EDWARD SCISSORHANDS! lol. he has persistent bad hair days, and so do i, cuz of this stupid bad cold. ):
i cried so much yesterday that people turned around to look at me. hahaha. you see, i had no appetite the whole day, hence i could only eat like a mouse. then when nausea set in, i had this great urge to vomit, but nothing came out. that was when i began crying. when i was sent to this 24-hour clinic at clementi, it was so FRICKIN cold that i cried more. i think my emotions were running high due to some hormonal dysfuntion lah. do you know what that idiotic doctor said?????? my mum showed him my current medication, and he muttered, "hmm, these are good medicine. i dont think you have an allergy to it. im sending you to SGH for blood tests."
like, WTF????
i was in too much pain to open my mouth, so i could only manage to roll my eyes. WHAT THE HELL IS A "GOOD MEDICINE"? HOW CAN HE BE SO SURE I DONT HAVE AN ALLERGY TO IT? HOW COULD HE PRESUME THAT THE PROBLEM LIES IN ME, AND NOT THE ABNORMALLY STRONG ANTIBIOTICS? im warning you guys, never, ever, visit that clinic at clementi central anymore.
we paid $85 just for that brainless statement even my 7 year old cousin could have made. of course, i didnt go to SGH. i would have died of low blood pressure with tubes of blood drawn from me, just because of some unqualified doctor. bah!
love
vicks
because of my hair problem, i cant let my hair down now! hmph!! it looks like it's suffering from split ends, and curls out at weird angles. hohoho. do you know what i look like now? EDWARD SCISSORHANDS! lol. he has persistent bad hair days, and so do i, cuz of this stupid bad cold. ):
i cried so much yesterday that people turned around to look at me. hahaha. you see, i had no appetite the whole day, hence i could only eat like a mouse. then when nausea set in, i had this great urge to vomit, but nothing came out. that was when i began crying. when i was sent to this 24-hour clinic at clementi, it was so FRICKIN cold that i cried more. i think my emotions were running high due to some hormonal dysfuntion lah. do you know what that idiotic doctor said?????? my mum showed him my current medication, and he muttered, "hmm, these are good medicine. i dont think you have an allergy to it. im sending you to SGH for blood tests."
like, WTF????
i was in too much pain to open my mouth, so i could only manage to roll my eyes. WHAT THE HELL IS A "GOOD MEDICINE"? HOW CAN HE BE SO SURE I DONT HAVE AN ALLERGY TO IT? HOW COULD HE PRESUME THAT THE PROBLEM LIES IN ME, AND NOT THE ABNORMALLY STRONG ANTIBIOTICS? im warning you guys, never, ever, visit that clinic at clementi central anymore.
we paid $85 just for that brainless statement even my 7 year old cousin could have made. of course, i didnt go to SGH. i would have died of low blood pressure with tubes of blood drawn from me, just because of some unqualified doctor. bah!
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 3:35 PM
|
one must be wondering how come there's nary a mention of "mugging" or the likes of it in my blog, when tis the season for--what else? studying till our brains rot!! hey-ho, hey-ho! in my life, there will never be a time for mugging, contrary to what others think. as much as i like to be like fellow njcians, i can never get my lazy bum outta slacker's world and hit my books. one reason: imma proud follower of 'burning the midnight oil'.
IM THE ANTI-CHRIST OF STUDYING!
hahahaha. that said, im at risk of being expelled, ain i? boooo....
im swallowing 4 different types of pills every 4 hours. of course, you would pity me and wish me a speedy recovery et all. but, i dont wanna get well. i dont wanna get started on revision, and i most certainly dread going to school and meeting 52. i know it's really wrong to feel this way, but i really wish for a transfer now. VJ would be ideal. arrrrgggghhh. NJ's simply killing me for too many reasons.
the pills leave an aftertaste much to be desired. sometimes, i'd puke. to me, that's a rather good thing, cuz i wouldnt be digesting those food and thus gain weight. hoho! imagine how cross my parents were when they heard that! (: anyway, it got me thinking. isnt falling in love really like falling ill? it makes us feel like death is gonna claim us any moment...the pain and lonliness. not to mention, the buckets of tears we shed too. hence, we'd eMBA">mbark on the route to recovery. (well i dunno about you, but there are some who cling onto such misery and stubbornly refuse to lose their iron grips. it has something to do with human's sadistic nature and the addiction to sadness im sure. anyway, im the perfect example. heh-ho!) the sacrifice for normality is great. it's damn tough i tell you. the bitterness and after-effects makes us regret giving up all the more, for after all, arent we all used to such pain? how could we accomodate to a different life without that someone altogether?
finally, when life starts anew, we embrace happiness again, only to be scarred with painful memories.
eh, im making senseless analogies here. my sentences are all incoherent, but that's only because...erm...because, life just isnt the same anymore. i cant help but feel that vicks is no longer vicks
love lots
IM THE ANTI-CHRIST OF STUDYING!
hahahaha. that said, im at risk of being expelled, ain i? boooo....
im swallowing 4 different types of pills every 4 hours. of course, you would pity me and wish me a speedy recovery et all. but, i dont wanna get well. i dont wanna get started on revision, and i most certainly dread going to school and meeting 52. i know it's really wrong to feel this way, but i really wish for a transfer now. VJ would be ideal. arrrrgggghhh. NJ's simply killing me for too many reasons.
the pills leave an aftertaste much to be desired. sometimes, i'd puke. to me, that's a rather good thing, cuz i wouldnt be digesting those food and thus gain weight. hoho! imagine how cross my parents were when they heard that! (: anyway, it got me thinking. isnt falling in love really like falling ill? it makes us feel like death is gonna claim us any moment...the pain and lonliness. not to mention, the buckets of tears we shed too. hence, we'd eMBA">mbark on the route to recovery. (well i dunno about you, but there are some who cling onto such misery and stubbornly refuse to lose their iron grips. it has something to do with human's sadistic nature and the addiction to sadness im sure. anyway, im the perfect example. heh-ho!) the sacrifice for normality is great. it's damn tough i tell you. the bitterness and after-effects makes us regret giving up all the more, for after all, arent we all used to such pain? how could we accomodate to a different life without that someone altogether?
finally, when life starts anew, we embrace happiness again, only to be scarred with painful memories.
eh, im making senseless analogies here. my sentences are all incoherent, but that's only because...erm...because, life just isnt the same anymore. i cant help but feel that vicks is no longer vicks
love lots
dysphoria came at 5:04 PM
|
for the first time in my life, im one hot babe! in fact, hot as hell!
hoho.
at 39.5°C, who wouldnt be?
i think it was a miracle that i survived school yesterday. it was an arduous, taxing, long day. was already aching right to my bones when i woke up. however, i felt i just had to attend school. time with him is very limited, and...and, i had math lecture! how could i ever pass on that chance man.
lecture with him was one of a kind. heh. he seemed different. he doesn't have that pseudo-american accent anymore, in fact, his sentences were peppered with singlish! oh, how colourful his transparencies were too! you know, i think this fever is getting to me. i shouldnt be this delirious over a teacher. my crankiness must have been upped several notches.
the most fatal lesson was gp. DOUBLE GP! i couldnt even manage a single smile throughout, and most of the time, i was kicking myself for not ponning it. blah. i only had guts to pon once. ah nvm, i will do so again some time. anyways, im rather positive that if i didnt habour hopes of meeting 52 after gp, i would have died. yes, not of boredom (i have great tolerance of that), but of my "hotness".
i told myself yest morning, " give me one more reason to forget him, and i will. i promise myself that." indeed, the reason happened. you see, im pretty sure if he cared at all, he would have noticed that we share the same pe periods, like i did. if he felt a minute spark of attraction, he would be at the canteen, where we met numerous times on friday.
he just wasnt there yesterday.
i did not cry.
after all, im used to all these heart-wrenching moments for 9 months. haha. it's prolly MUCH worse than pregnancy. i was relieved, because if we met, i wouldnt be sure if it was purely coincidence or something else i dare not hope of. however, pe nearly killed me. i wouldnt have attended it if not for the pure enthusiasm of some classmates. heh. was raging with fever then, and no matter how i tried to "psycho" myself, i couldnt make that sense of loss budge.
the process of dancing made me stop thinking for a while. sweating it out grants a huge sense of achievement, especially so when one is sick. the only consequence? i was all nauseous throughout the journey home that i called my mum and cried. hahaha. dependent? most certainly!
ok, so i have nearly exiled 52 outta my life. i think i should be happier in months to come. (: wish me the best ya?
love
vicks
hoho.
at 39.5°C, who wouldnt be?
i think it was a miracle that i survived school yesterday. it was an arduous, taxing, long day. was already aching right to my bones when i woke up. however, i felt i just had to attend school. time with him is very limited, and...and, i had math lecture! how could i ever pass on that chance man.
lecture with him was one of a kind. heh. he seemed different. he doesn't have that pseudo-american accent anymore, in fact, his sentences were peppered with singlish! oh, how colourful his transparencies were too! you know, i think this fever is getting to me. i shouldnt be this delirious over a teacher. my crankiness must have been upped several notches.
the most fatal lesson was gp. DOUBLE GP! i couldnt even manage a single smile throughout, and most of the time, i was kicking myself for not ponning it. blah. i only had guts to pon once. ah nvm, i will do so again some time. anyways, im rather positive that if i didnt habour hopes of meeting 52 after gp, i would have died. yes, not of boredom (i have great tolerance of that), but of my "hotness".
i told myself yest morning, " give me one more reason to forget him, and i will. i promise myself that." indeed, the reason happened. you see, im pretty sure if he cared at all, he would have noticed that we share the same pe periods, like i did. if he felt a minute spark of attraction, he would be at the canteen, where we met numerous times on friday.
he just wasnt there yesterday.
i did not cry.
after all, im used to all these heart-wrenching moments for 9 months. haha. it's prolly MUCH worse than pregnancy. i was relieved, because if we met, i wouldnt be sure if it was purely coincidence or something else i dare not hope of. however, pe nearly killed me. i wouldnt have attended it if not for the pure enthusiasm of some classmates. heh. was raging with fever then, and no matter how i tried to "psycho" myself, i couldnt make that sense of loss budge.
the process of dancing made me stop thinking for a while. sweating it out grants a huge sense of achievement, especially so when one is sick. the only consequence? i was all nauseous throughout the journey home that i called my mum and cried. hahaha. dependent? most certainly!
ok, so i have nearly exiled 52 outta my life. i think i should be happier in months to come. (: wish me the best ya?
love
vicks
dysphoria came at 4:28 PM
|
i think, i feel, i prophecise, it's perfect-mr.sunshine no more, but sugar daddy. yikes. how horrid sounding the latter sounds, but it's really what cynics would call him. blah. im too ashamed to say who he is myself. no, i dont not have x-rated thoughts and this isnt a R21 blog.
anyway, i dreamt of that person i should be ashamed of being attracted too. hohoho. not mr sunshine. i slept at 5pm yesterday at woke up at 5am this morning just to complete my homework, but to no avail of course. and i had 3 dreams! one of them is about (blah blah) of course, and the other is about a gory, decapitated baby (courtesy of the russian school siege), i forgot the other tho. maybe it's mr sunshine. who cares tho.
im happy, cuz it's thursday. i always have such fun on thursday, with eunice, boon, hui, chus...and sometimes yingxiu. oh, did i mention i love almost all the math teachers except mine? mr teo is HILARIOUS ah! and of course, there's blah blah. he didn't come to remedial today, as expected. it's a pity cuz i was having the best hair day ever ):
MY SKIRT ISNT SHORT. i do not think so. maybe i just have a big, flaccid butt,that's why it tends to be shorter at the back.
love,
vicks
anyway, i dreamt of that person i should be ashamed of being attracted too. hohoho. not mr sunshine. i slept at 5pm yesterday at woke up at 5am this morning just to complete my homework, but to no avail of course. and i had 3 dreams! one of them is about (blah blah) of course, and the other is about a gory, decapitated baby (courtesy of the russian school siege), i forgot the other tho. maybe it's mr sunshine. who cares tho.
im happy, cuz it's thursday. i always have such fun on thursday, with eunice, boon, hui, chus...and sometimes yingxiu. oh, did i mention i love almost all the math teachers except mine? mr teo is HILARIOUS ah! and of course, there's blah blah. he didn't come to remedial today, as expected. it's a pity cuz i was having the best hair day ever ):
MY SKIRT ISNT SHORT. i do not think so. maybe i just have a big, flaccid butt,that's why it tends to be shorter at the back.
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 10:36 PM
|
"goodbye to you" by michelle branch
i have to draw deep, shaky breaths every time i past the hall. that's where he is every morning till noon, writing away for his future. it's a painful decision to continue on my way, when i wanted so much to wait for him outside.
it's exactly 10 days now. i think it's an achievement that im still alive and breathing. im ok most of them time, when my friends are around. but it is during times as such, the night, the quiet time to start mugging, that gets me wondering about him.
oh feefty-too.
how could he not care when he's the world to me??
i've developed another forbidden, lustful obsession. ho ho ho! sounds terrible eh? well, i've been gushing about this maths teacher ever since differentiation started. oh dear!! he's so damn cute! i like his rather sarcarstic sense of humour, his hands, his real deep voice, and his smile which seems to make all the pain go away. heh. he's on par with mr goh and mr lee now. except, maybe i idolise him a little bit more (:
i think i'll feel fugly forever, unless feefty-too says otherwise. since i cant catch his eye, how can i even be attractive huh? oh, you don't know how much this hurts.
vicks
i have to draw deep, shaky breaths every time i past the hall. that's where he is every morning till noon, writing away for his future. it's a painful decision to continue on my way, when i wanted so much to wait for him outside.
it's exactly 10 days now. i think it's an achievement that im still alive and breathing. im ok most of them time, when my friends are around. but it is during times as such, the night, the quiet time to start mugging, that gets me wondering about him.
oh feefty-too.
how could he not care when he's the world to me??
i've developed another forbidden, lustful obsession. ho ho ho! sounds terrible eh? well, i've been gushing about this maths teacher ever since differentiation started. oh dear!! he's so damn cute! i like his rather sarcarstic sense of humour, his hands, his real deep voice, and his smile which seems to make all the pain go away. heh. he's on par with mr goh and mr lee now. except, maybe i idolise him a little bit more (:
i think i'll feel fugly forever, unless feefty-too says otherwise. since i cant catch his eye, how can i even be attractive huh? oh, you don't know how much this hurts.
vicks
dysphoria came at 7:21 PM
|
i need him. i need him. i need him
it's 1.5 weeks gone without a single glance. i so dreadfully want us to be like fi and i, in fact any relationship other than this silly one would be good.
my work is half done again, and it's midnight. i really cant help it!! how can one concentrate with such emotional and mental exhaustion?
oh god please...
i think i'd cut myself a million times when he leaves.
i'll just die.
in fact, i wanna do so now. ):
it's 1.5 weeks gone without a single glance. i so dreadfully want us to be like fi and i, in fact any relationship other than this silly one would be good.
my work is half done again, and it's midnight. i really cant help it!! how can one concentrate with such emotional and mental exhaustion?
oh god please...
i think i'd cut myself a million times when he leaves.
i'll just die.
in fact, i wanna do so now. ):
dysphoria came at 1:06 AM
|
dang, prelims have begun and i only found out so today! i guess i wont be seeing him anymore. it's sort of a relief, come to think of it...though i know some part of me will want to see him always.
well anyways, i stoned so much during bio test that i couldn't complete it in time. ho ho ho! scribbled my remaining answers in haste when the teacher announced, "time's up!". and dear bloggy, do you know why?? yeah, it's partly due to the lack of sleep last night. i swear i wont leave my work till the last minute again!! yesterday was a total nightmare. i was so panicky my hands were trembling as i did my homework. good thing it's over. i wont ever repeat it again!
oh, the other reason was because i was thinking about him. yet again huh? like what's new in my life. you see, i found out his sitting position in the hall..it's towards the back! so, i was imagining myself being his classmate, seated in front of him. oh, the bliss!! i could turn around and talk to him, get to see his serious look, and reach out at ruffle his hair or something. man, i want him bad.
[the lurid passion never dies. i need you]
love,
vicks
well anyways, i stoned so much during bio test that i couldn't complete it in time. ho ho ho! scribbled my remaining answers in haste when the teacher announced, "time's up!". and dear bloggy, do you know why?? yeah, it's partly due to the lack of sleep last night. i swear i wont leave my work till the last minute again!! yesterday was a total nightmare. i was so panicky my hands were trembling as i did my homework. good thing it's over. i wont ever repeat it again!
oh, the other reason was because i was thinking about him. yet again huh? like what's new in my life. you see, i found out his sitting position in the hall..it's towards the back! so, i was imagining myself being his classmate, seated in front of him. oh, the bliss!! i could turn around and talk to him, get to see his serious look, and reach out at ruffle his hair or something. man, i want him bad.
[the lurid passion never dies. i need you]
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 10:09 PM
|
regarding undone homework:
me: lan!!
lanxiu: hey darling
me: im scared
me: so much homework!
lanxiu: me too
it's damn hilarious dont ya think? we're actually scared!! scared! when i spend the whole holidays doing god-knew-what!!
me: lan!!
lanxiu: hey darling
me: im scared
me: so much homework!
lanxiu: me too
it's damn hilarious dont ya think? we're actually scared!! scared! when i spend the whole holidays doing god-knew-what!!
dysphoria came at 8:43 PM
|
dammit! i cant post as per normal until blogger sees fit and ends its tantrum. bleah! i had so many things to blog about, but i cant remember them now..and i blame YOU, BLOGGER~~~!
*tugs at hair angrily*
ohk, i think i can recollect a few funny events. lol. so here goes, random events in random orders:
i was behaving like an aloof, selfish bitch a few days ago. there was this old, crippled lady at the bus stop i was waiting at. she was limping around rather pitifully, yet she didn't want to sit. then, when a bus arrived, she scarpered as quickly as she could to stop it...and pass her friend (who was on board) something. in her haste, she dropped her walking stick. it went "bang, bang, bang", and everyone was staring. out of instinct, i stood up, intending to help her...but, i stopped. i was hesitating, and in that few seconds, she picked up her stick and proceeded to limp away. god knows what stopped me from helping her.
im so frickin guilty that this matter stayed on my conscience since monday.
i think, i had my retribution on friday. after a terribly exhausting mugging session at the library, i had the shock of my life at the mrt station. like always, i was in a daze dreaming of all possible things, when out of the corner of my eyes, something black swooped down on me.
IT WAS DEATH COMING TO CLAIM ME!!
or so i thought. i didn't dare to move an inch, barely able to breathe. i always thought death as a tall, dignified man, but not a lady in black. it stayed beside me for a few minutes, and i was frightened out of my wits all these while. then i thought, if it could just bring me away and i could die painlessly, i wouldnt mind as much. thus, i turned to face her. HOHOHOHO. it was this EEDIOTIC woman clad in a black oversized shawl and dress. i think i smiled in relief, and the woman caught it. lol. then the train came, and i walked to the last carriage, putting as far a distance away from her as possible.
yesterday, on the way to my mum's shop from an equally tiring PW meeting, there was this cute guy on the bus (: not 52's standard, but i can make do. he was sitting in front of me, and i was staring blankly at his back all the while. he alighted a few stops ahead of me. well anyway, i obviously didnt expect to see him again. but hay, i did! haha. i was at this 7-eleven with daryl when came face to face with him. on his way out, he did some sort of piroutte, turned 360 degrees to face me, and almost tripped in the process.
i was laughing so hard i had to lean on the counter. lol...i totally dig "toot" guys like that!
tommorow's the first day of a new term. i aint starting well, with so much homework undone, and of course, revision untouched.
love,
vicks
*tugs at hair angrily*
ohk, i think i can recollect a few funny events. lol. so here goes, random events in random orders:
i was behaving like an aloof, selfish bitch a few days ago. there was this old, crippled lady at the bus stop i was waiting at. she was limping around rather pitifully, yet she didn't want to sit. then, when a bus arrived, she scarpered as quickly as she could to stop it...and pass her friend (who was on board) something. in her haste, she dropped her walking stick. it went "bang, bang, bang", and everyone was staring. out of instinct, i stood up, intending to help her...but, i stopped. i was hesitating, and in that few seconds, she picked up her stick and proceeded to limp away. god knows what stopped me from helping her.
im so frickin guilty that this matter stayed on my conscience since monday.
i think, i had my retribution on friday. after a terribly exhausting mugging session at the library, i had the shock of my life at the mrt station. like always, i was in a daze dreaming of all possible things, when out of the corner of my eyes, something black swooped down on me.
IT WAS DEATH COMING TO CLAIM ME!!
or so i thought. i didn't dare to move an inch, barely able to breathe. i always thought death as a tall, dignified man, but not a lady in black. it stayed beside me for a few minutes, and i was frightened out of my wits all these while. then i thought, if it could just bring me away and i could die painlessly, i wouldnt mind as much. thus, i turned to face her. HOHOHOHO. it was this EEDIOTIC woman clad in a black oversized shawl and dress. i think i smiled in relief, and the woman caught it. lol. then the train came, and i walked to the last carriage, putting as far a distance away from her as possible.
yesterday, on the way to my mum's shop from an equally tiring PW meeting, there was this cute guy on the bus (: not 52's standard, but i can make do. he was sitting in front of me, and i was staring blankly at his back all the while. he alighted a few stops ahead of me. well anyway, i obviously didnt expect to see him again. but hay, i did! haha. i was at this 7-eleven with daryl when came face to face with him. on his way out, he did some sort of piroutte, turned 360 degrees to face me, and almost tripped in the process.
i was laughing so hard i had to lean on the counter. lol...i totally dig "toot" guys like that!
tommorow's the first day of a new term. i aint starting well, with so much homework undone, and of course, revision untouched.
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 6:51 PM
|
Contemplation. Contempt.
with the poise of a ballerina,
with the grace of a swan,
she crossed her legs,
and placed her beautiful head on long, elegant fingers
thus began her musings.
twas an everyday affair.
oh, behold passers-by!
she's a sight to be held in awe,
but no one paid any attention.
they would hurry on with life,
occasionally tripping in their haste,
always frowning their hideous upside down smiles,
never once stopping to look.
her eyes were glazed like a rag doll's,
raven black hair framing her porcelain face.
she seemed nothing out of the ordinary,
but how do you know how she feels inside?
she's an extraordnaire within,
torn apart by conflicts,
wrecked by infinite misery,
riddened by timeless heartache.
her thoughts chased each other merrily
like playmates making up for lost childhood.
round the merry-go-round,
slushing down the slide.
a blur of neverending thoughts,
a pang of heart-wrenching ache,
she couldnt help,
but to muse.
she loathes the pain it brings.
it unroots her from stability,
grounds her to dreariness,
rouses the deepest contempt.
today was unlike any other day.
she chose to study the flurry of colours
outside the pane of glass,
and not to think. not to think.
her pen danced swiftly across the paper,
her thoughts flowing in coherence now.
just as how she started,
she came to an abrupt stop.
hence the end of this poem,
for she has come to a conclusion
one that took a musing too long,
but the note of finality deeply satifies.
hay! a poem in 15mins! lol...damn lousy i know, but i sorta like it, cuz it's my first in eons (:
with the poise of a ballerina,
with the grace of a swan,
she crossed her legs,
and placed her beautiful head on long, elegant fingers
thus began her musings.
twas an everyday affair.
oh, behold passers-by!
she's a sight to be held in awe,
but no one paid any attention.
they would hurry on with life,
occasionally tripping in their haste,
always frowning their hideous upside down smiles,
never once stopping to look.
her eyes were glazed like a rag doll's,
raven black hair framing her porcelain face.
she seemed nothing out of the ordinary,
but how do you know how she feels inside?
she's an extraordnaire within,
torn apart by conflicts,
wrecked by infinite misery,
riddened by timeless heartache.
her thoughts chased each other merrily
like playmates making up for lost childhood.
round the merry-go-round,
slushing down the slide.
a blur of neverending thoughts,
a pang of heart-wrenching ache,
she couldnt help,
but to muse.
she loathes the pain it brings.
it unroots her from stability,
grounds her to dreariness,
rouses the deepest contempt.
today was unlike any other day.
she chose to study the flurry of colours
outside the pane of glass,
and not to think. not to think.
her pen danced swiftly across the paper,
her thoughts flowing in coherence now.
just as how she started,
she came to an abrupt stop.
hence the end of this poem,
for she has come to a conclusion
one that took a musing too long,
but the note of finality deeply satifies.
hay! a poem in 15mins! lol...damn lousy i know, but i sorta like it, cuz it's my first in eons (:
dysphoria came at 10:23 PM
|
"七里香" by Jay Chou
at midnight, i was so very delighted by a particular sms from a very special person.
no, it isnt who you're thinking. not 52.
it's dear chinhian!!
"hey vic, managed to borrow this hp from my friend. really miss ya lots. looking forward to your reply."
oh wow, im pretty sure i was the first person he msged, and "really miss ya lots" must mean a lot to a softspoken guy like him. omgomgomgomgomg...im so touched. i cant believe he remembered what i told him. *sigh* it's so sweet, so sweet. i miss him too. he's a really good friend, although i never showed my appreciation. it's kinda awkward cuz he's awfully shy. we can never talk much, but it's gratifying to have his presence around, knowing there'll be support and encouragement ALWAYS.
anyway, my blog has a bug? it has prevented dearie lan from acessing it, and now, im pretty sure that she cant tag me! ): bloggy, what happened to you? can you auto-heal or sth? i cant, nor know how to repair you! it's saddening when one of your bestest friends cant leave msges on your blog anymore.
i feel like spending LOTSA money now. all hail retail therapy and yahoo auctions!
我遇见你 是最美丽的意外
love,
vicks
at midnight, i was so very delighted by a particular sms from a very special person.
no, it isnt who you're thinking. not 52.
it's dear chinhian!!
"hey vic, managed to borrow this hp from my friend. really miss ya lots. looking forward to your reply."
oh wow, im pretty sure i was the first person he msged, and "really miss ya lots" must mean a lot to a softspoken guy like him. omgomgomgomgomg...im so touched. i cant believe he remembered what i told him. *sigh* it's so sweet, so sweet. i miss him too. he's a really good friend, although i never showed my appreciation. it's kinda awkward cuz he's awfully shy. we can never talk much, but it's gratifying to have his presence around, knowing there'll be support and encouragement ALWAYS.
anyway, my blog has a bug? it has prevented dearie lan from acessing it, and now, im pretty sure that she cant tag me! ): bloggy, what happened to you? can you auto-heal or sth? i cant, nor know how to repair you! it's saddening when one of your bestest friends cant leave msges on your blog anymore.
i feel like spending LOTSA money now. all hail retail therapy and yahoo auctions!
我遇见你 是最美丽的意外
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 1:22 AM
|
i screwed up bio spa. big time. my life's pretty much screwed as well, with the way i handle relationships and school work. blah.
half of me has resigned to fate, but the other still yearns for you.
half of me hates you for the 9 mths of sorrow, but the other loves you for the little moments of exhilaration.
half of me wants you to leave asap, but the other wants you to stay forever.
half of me thinks of you all the time, but the other tries to bury all possible thoughts.
half of me has died, but the other still burns brightly with passion.
i bet you've never met a truer gemini, one so contradictary, torn apart by such painful inner conflicts.
is my whole life gonna be like that? i dont wanna cry forever.
half of me has resigned to fate, but the other still yearns for you.
half of me hates you for the 9 mths of sorrow, but the other loves you for the little moments of exhilaration.
half of me wants you to leave asap, but the other wants you to stay forever.
half of me thinks of you all the time, but the other tries to bury all possible thoughts.
half of me has died, but the other still burns brightly with passion.
i bet you've never met a truer gemini, one so contradictary, torn apart by such painful inner conflicts.
is my whole life gonna be like that? i dont wanna cry forever.
dysphoria came at 9:32 PM
|
oh, i havent been listening to the morning radio for a few years now (or rather, only a year). it's "i miss you" spinning. tra-la-la. it's damn nostalgic, both the song and experience.
[i miss you...i miss you..]
i used to listen to it when my dad fetches me to school every morning. since the year started, he stopped. i don't believe in crap like "letting me gain independence","enjoy the experience" etc. i believe he's just plain lazy. lol. i still long so much for dad to bring me to school tho. *sigh*.
anyway, i was pensieve last night. stood by the window, taking swigs from the bottle and staring out into the myraid of lights. i was trying to figure out which twinkles belong to bishan. it's nice to have parents who give such a free reign on ya. and don't worry, i can hold my alcohol pretty well (: no need for AA. yep, so alcohol made me feel all warm and fuzzy. i was thinking sad thoughts but feeling happy. nice, nice.
oh, i envy li jiawei SO much, veering to the point of slight jealousy. i look at how unresponsive she was to ronald durin their initial courtship, and wonder if such people deserve loving partners?
you can practically see the bliss written all over their faces! im envious! you know, i think 52's can be like ronald too..but, im no li jiawei lah. (:
heading for school in an hour. BIO SPA! haha, damn unnerving...but it means i can act silly and crazy with friends!
love,
vicks
[i miss you...i miss you..]
i used to listen to it when my dad fetches me to school every morning. since the year started, he stopped. i don't believe in crap like "letting me gain independence","enjoy the experience" etc. i believe he's just plain lazy. lol. i still long so much for dad to bring me to school tho. *sigh*.
anyway, i was pensieve last night. stood by the window, taking swigs from the bottle and staring out into the myraid of lights. i was trying to figure out which twinkles belong to bishan. it's nice to have parents who give such a free reign on ya. and don't worry, i can hold my alcohol pretty well (: no need for AA. yep, so alcohol made me feel all warm and fuzzy. i was thinking sad thoughts but feeling happy. nice, nice.
oh, i envy li jiawei SO much, veering to the point of slight jealousy. i look at how unresponsive she was to ronald durin their initial courtship, and wonder if such people deserve loving partners?
you can practically see the bliss written all over their faces! im envious! you know, i think 52's can be like ronald too..but, im no li jiawei lah. (:
heading for school in an hour. BIO SPA! haha, damn unnerving...but it means i can act silly and crazy with friends!
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 8:51 AM
|
omgomgomgomgomgomg!!
i sent kel a photo of 52...and like lan, i think kel thinks he's ugly.
yeah, i agree he aint photogenic...but they should see how girls go ga-ga over him in real life. hmm, let me correct myself, he aint entirely photogenic, but he's still damn yummy on photographs!
you see, i don't know why i bother defending him at all. he's NOT mine. so why should i care when someone says a stranger is ugly?
[[if every time i sneeze means u're thinking of me... then we're on par.]]
down with a dreadful cold. am sneezing every second. if only he think of me that often! oh man...i have a confession! couldnt resist a peek at the photo when i sent it to kel. i promised never to lay eyes on him if i could help it...but, but...god help me.
i sent kel a photo of 52...and like lan, i think kel thinks he's ugly.
yeah, i agree he aint photogenic...but they should see how girls go ga-ga over him in real life. hmm, let me correct myself, he aint entirely photogenic, but he's still damn yummy on photographs!
you see, i don't know why i bother defending him at all. he's NOT mine. so why should i care when someone says a stranger is ugly?
[[if every time i sneeze means u're thinking of me... then we're on par.]]
down with a dreadful cold. am sneezing every second. if only he think of me that often! oh man...i have a confession! couldnt resist a peek at the photo when i sent it to kel. i promised never to lay eyes on him if i could help it...but, but...god help me.
dysphoria came at 10:26 PM
|
"hold me now" by wayne wonder
yest was the last day of the term, but it didnt feel last day-ish at all! it felt like any other mundane, ordinary school day, with maybe just a tinge of gloom in the air. then again, the gloom may be due to my volatile emotions.
anyway, i had the most enjoyable gp lesson ever! im so proud of myself that i resisted the urge to pon, and thus, i was rewarded! (: you know sth funny, there were only 6 students! ms wan was pretty amused herself, and was smiling when she told us that. come to think of it, it's pretty weird. why should she be happy when her students show so little respect for her? ah anyway, she descended a notch from her usual pedestal, and got on a rather personal level with us. at least i didnt feel so distant from her, and that well, she actually connected with us. heh. i guess it's prolly bcuz there were only 6 people! it's hard to explain what we did...but it's fun, and i wish she would be like that everyday..
52. it's hard not to mention him in my daily entries. i've been trying, and it's pretty evident how sucessful i am. I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE HIM. I DIDN'T EVEN HOPE SO. so why on earth does he have to appear and in such close proximity too?? it was a rude shock. dammit. oh, i've reverted my signatures too. it's no longer 52 now. so there goes the first tiny step.
i think i can be pretty self-deluding when it comes to kicking habits, and cutting off obsessions. but do honour me for my brave attempts ya?
love,
vicks
yest was the last day of the term, but it didnt feel last day-ish at all! it felt like any other mundane, ordinary school day, with maybe just a tinge of gloom in the air. then again, the gloom may be due to my volatile emotions.
anyway, i had the most enjoyable gp lesson ever! im so proud of myself that i resisted the urge to pon, and thus, i was rewarded! (: you know sth funny, there were only 6 students! ms wan was pretty amused herself, and was smiling when she told us that. come to think of it, it's pretty weird. why should she be happy when her students show so little respect for her? ah anyway, she descended a notch from her usual pedestal, and got on a rather personal level with us. at least i didnt feel so distant from her, and that well, she actually connected with us. heh. i guess it's prolly bcuz there were only 6 people! it's hard to explain what we did...but it's fun, and i wish she would be like that everyday..
52. it's hard not to mention him in my daily entries. i've been trying, and it's pretty evident how sucessful i am. I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE HIM. I DIDN'T EVEN HOPE SO. so why on earth does he have to appear and in such close proximity too?? it was a rude shock. dammit. oh, i've reverted my signatures too. it's no longer 52 now. so there goes the first tiny step.
i think i can be pretty self-deluding when it comes to kicking habits, and cutting off obsessions. but do honour me for my brave attempts ya?
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 6:55 PM
|
today is probably the happiest full school day i ever had. i must say a big THANK YOU to eunice. she's been super sweet and nice to me lately..and she accompanied me today! it's gratifying to know that there are always people around for you, even when melancholy invades your heart in relentless pangs.
i love thursdays, ever since the start of the math remedial. i was dismissed very early, and have hours to have fun with buddies before remedial starts. and no, remedial isnt dreary at all! it's kinda enjoyable with nice company (: i thought of mr lee today, and was so near the brink of tears. all along, i thought mr tan doesnt like me, cuz he doesnt look at me, and doesnt even talk to me during lessons or remedials. thus, i had been "playing hard to get" and ignored him as well. today, when i had no choice but to consult him, he was surprisingly affable and helpful!! yeah, i think i finally broke the ice between us (: however, i know it's unfair to comment on this, but i really wish for mr lee. he goes all the way out to help us, like family. *sigh*
i embarassed myself in front of 52 again, by spewing my brainless remarks too loudly. i prolly made him awkward too. dang. right now, im very determined to get over this. i hope i will. there's this inkling of a spark in my heart that tells me i would.
i made fifi sit in front of me today for 30min and scruntinised him (on the pretext of chatting with him of course!). there is a striking resemblence to 52...except for their face shapes. that prolly accounts for a lot, cuz 52 lies on the brink of perfection, while fifi is as flawed as the next guy. i dunno why i compared fifi to 52. maybe it's because they're the 2 most important persons in my life, and i just had to decide who mattered more. it's fifi i think. cuz fifi cares.
fifi treats me very well. we have an admirable friendship which im proud of.
52? i love him. a lot. but does he give a damn about my existence?
ah, that's where the difference between 52 and fifi lie. one cares about me, but the other doesnt. AND...
i love one, and like the other.
(beautiful paradox eh?)
xoxo,
vicks
i love thursdays, ever since the start of the math remedial. i was dismissed very early, and have hours to have fun with buddies before remedial starts. and no, remedial isnt dreary at all! it's kinda enjoyable with nice company (: i thought of mr lee today, and was so near the brink of tears. all along, i thought mr tan doesnt like me, cuz he doesnt look at me, and doesnt even talk to me during lessons or remedials. thus, i had been "playing hard to get" and ignored him as well. today, when i had no choice but to consult him, he was surprisingly affable and helpful!! yeah, i think i finally broke the ice between us (: however, i know it's unfair to comment on this, but i really wish for mr lee. he goes all the way out to help us, like family. *sigh*
i embarassed myself in front of 52 again, by spewing my brainless remarks too loudly. i prolly made him awkward too. dang. right now, im very determined to get over this. i hope i will. there's this inkling of a spark in my heart that tells me i would.
i made fifi sit in front of me today for 30min and scruntinised him (on the pretext of chatting with him of course!). there is a striking resemblence to 52...except for their face shapes. that prolly accounts for a lot, cuz 52 lies on the brink of perfection, while fifi is as flawed as the next guy. i dunno why i compared fifi to 52. maybe it's because they're the 2 most important persons in my life, and i just had to decide who mattered more. it's fifi i think. cuz fifi cares.
fifi treats me very well. we have an admirable friendship which im proud of.
52? i love him. a lot. but does he give a damn about my existence?
ah, that's where the difference between 52 and fifi lie. one cares about me, but the other doesnt. AND...
i love one, and like the other.
(beautiful paradox eh?)
xoxo,
vicks
dysphoria came at 8:07 PM
|
i just watched "windstruck".
OH
MY
GOD.
i believed i cried buckets. go watch it if you havent!
all hail to the koreans for producing such heart-wrenchingly sad romantic movies. it's second on my list of all time fave movies, after "my sassy girl" (info: another korean movie, starring the same very pretty actress for the uninitiated and cavemen)
oh, i love "she's the one" by robbie williams! very retro, very melancholic.
vicks
OH
MY
GOD.
i believed i cried buckets. go watch it if you havent!
all hail to the koreans for producing such heart-wrenchingly sad romantic movies. it's second on my list of all time fave movies, after "my sassy girl" (info: another korean movie, starring the same very pretty actress for the uninitiated and cavemen)
oh, i love "she's the one" by robbie williams! very retro, very melancholic.
vicks
dysphoria came at 5:25 PM
|
[If only we could manipulate time. i'll make you stay forever]
yesterday was TDC. it was way funner and cooler than i expected. i mean, it's njc rite? we weren't supposed to be this great at creating fun moments. but we did! haha.
the performances were rockin! damn cool dances there...could pass off as acjc's to the amatuer eye. (: i love the teachers' item! MR TAN WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! he looked exactly like an overgrown baby, clad in his nj uniform, with his shirt tucked in, and pants pulled up to his chest. i dunno why i hated him so initially, but my attitude towards him has taken a u-turn now. it's kinda weird how the teachers look so 'student-ish' in their nj uniforms. they really really look like us...and ms heng was PRETTY. i wanna look like her when i grow up! when i gave mr goh and mrs che their presents, they seemed so touched!! mr goh! he remarked, " i dunno why you're so happy. but seeing you this happy makes me happy too!". i love him to bits. mrs che hugged me (:
of cuz, it was 52 galore. he was walking around all these while, to attract attention? lol. who knows man. i studied him. how the sun shone on his perfect angular face, making every feature angelic. really, he looked angelic. the good thing was, there was no more sadness, no more longing. im more determined than every to get this over and done with.
i must move on.
went back to nanhua. i was full of dread upon the prospects of meeting my ex-schoolmates. to be truthful, i have never loved my school like how i love nj. it caused me too much pain and sufferings that i can never forget. as such, almost everything there repulses me. almost. i cried a little when i met mrs chan. she's the sole reason why i returned to nanhua. i miss her english lessons, i miss being the object of her affection, i miss being praised for my painstakingly written pieces. i have never experienced such stuffs in nj. i never will.....with ms wan as my gp teacher. oh, and mrs chan could still remember all my little quirks and essays. i was so touched that the tears just flowed then. (:
after visiting her, i had little motivation to stay in that hell-hole, so i psycho-ed my old clique into leaving. lol. we took a bus to holland v, alighted a bus stop too late, and walked a lot before we reached. lunch was horrid, cuz it was at some stuffy foodcourt, and i never fancied foodcourts. well the environment and food was horrid, but i loved the company. i miss being "pathetic" and "indecisive". then we went to je, against my very violent protests. i wanted to go to town! it was what i had been looking forward to the entire week! ok, a little sacrifice on my part gave way to greater pleasures. we watched "the face"! wow, i think im finally brave enough to watch horror flicks without my mum beside me now. was screaming and gasping a lot, but it was exhilarating (: shopped a little at imm too, and bought some very money-wasting, decorative items which will cheer me up in the dreadful days to come.
i think we walked the distance of a marathon, for our legs were aching so badly that we had to sit every 10 minutes, and i slept all the way on my journey home.
fun day. perhaps my happiest in the greyish days.
love,
vicks
yesterday was TDC. it was way funner and cooler than i expected. i mean, it's njc rite? we weren't supposed to be this great at creating fun moments. but we did! haha.
the performances were rockin! damn cool dances there...could pass off as acjc's to the amatuer eye. (: i love the teachers' item! MR TAN WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE! he looked exactly like an overgrown baby, clad in his nj uniform, with his shirt tucked in, and pants pulled up to his chest. i dunno why i hated him so initially, but my attitude towards him has taken a u-turn now. it's kinda weird how the teachers look so 'student-ish' in their nj uniforms. they really really look like us...and ms heng was PRETTY. i wanna look like her when i grow up! when i gave mr goh and mrs che their presents, they seemed so touched!! mr goh! he remarked, " i dunno why you're so happy. but seeing you this happy makes me happy too!". i love him to bits. mrs che hugged me (:
of cuz, it was 52 galore. he was walking around all these while, to attract attention? lol. who knows man. i studied him. how the sun shone on his perfect angular face, making every feature angelic. really, he looked angelic. the good thing was, there was no more sadness, no more longing. im more determined than every to get this over and done with.
i must move on.
went back to nanhua. i was full of dread upon the prospects of meeting my ex-schoolmates. to be truthful, i have never loved my school like how i love nj. it caused me too much pain and sufferings that i can never forget. as such, almost everything there repulses me. almost. i cried a little when i met mrs chan. she's the sole reason why i returned to nanhua. i miss her english lessons, i miss being the object of her affection, i miss being praised for my painstakingly written pieces. i have never experienced such stuffs in nj. i never will.....with ms wan as my gp teacher. oh, and mrs chan could still remember all my little quirks and essays. i was so touched that the tears just flowed then. (:
after visiting her, i had little motivation to stay in that hell-hole, so i psycho-ed my old clique into leaving. lol. we took a bus to holland v, alighted a bus stop too late, and walked a lot before we reached. lunch was horrid, cuz it was at some stuffy foodcourt, and i never fancied foodcourts. well the environment and food was horrid, but i loved the company. i miss being "pathetic" and "indecisive". then we went to je, against my very violent protests. i wanted to go to town! it was what i had been looking forward to the entire week! ok, a little sacrifice on my part gave way to greater pleasures. we watched "the face"! wow, i think im finally brave enough to watch horror flicks without my mum beside me now. was screaming and gasping a lot, but it was exhilarating (: shopped a little at imm too, and bought some very money-wasting, decorative items which will cheer me up in the dreadful days to come.
i think we walked the distance of a marathon, for our legs were aching so badly that we had to sit every 10 minutes, and i slept all the way on my journey home.
fun day. perhaps my happiest in the greyish days.
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 5:00 PM
|