My Indulgence, My Sins
Tonight was spent at the Buffet Restaurant at Meritus Mandarin. Yeah, it's the long-awaited dinner (at least in my case) with unlimited access to the chocolate fountain!! My god. From the moment I left my table, every trip I made has to by-pass that fountain table! It was THAT ORGASMIC, THAT HEAVENLY. Imagine! Bowls of succulent, juicy red berries, pitted plump prunes and white fluffy pieces of marshmallows just begging to be dipped into the fountain!
PHWARRR!
That was the sound of my appetite going out of control. Oh yes, and I remember piling heaps of Blue Cheese, salt-baked salmon and pasta onto my plate too...The efforts from a whole week of starvation in school is thus so easily wasted on a meal. :(
You know, forget Equinox or MezzaNine, or Top of The M even. The Buffet Restaurant beats them hands down. There's this really cute spanish trio that goes around performing from table to table. And when they came to mine, I think they totally went bonkers! They asked for dedications after dedications, that even the Great Music Mastro Vic ran out of songs that they could play on their guitar/violin/cello! They were so accomodating to play the Beatles, Elton John, Norah Jones, my mass dance songs (!!!!), and even "When You Say Nothing At All"!! But the last song wasn't my request, it was their dedication to me! *blush, blush*. I must gush about this, because that particular song brings back all the memories of my very very precious NPCC days.
I love great music, and it's even more awesome when it complements the great food.
I, erm...have a funny anecdote to share too! :)
When I was at the choc fountain for the nth time, this brown haired hottie came up to me and said, "So you were hogging the performers for the whole night!". I was so shocked, I was stunned for a few seconds. Then I turned very reluctantly towards him (having really low self-confidence after stuffing myself like a sow with food and hence feeling like one), and went, "Oh, but I didn't want to! They kept asking me to dedicate songs!". Raising his eyebrows, he replied, "Ah, those Spanish. Must have been too charmed by our Little Asian Princess!".
HA HA HA HA! That's damn hilarious don't you think? I was dipping my strawberries into the fountain then, and "plonk!" went one of them as it dropped into the thick, creamy chocolate. The "Princess" just drowned her strawberry. I know the chocolate fountain is the main attraction for the buffett, and hence the staff take extra precautions to maintain it's hygiene. And dropping food inside the fountain is the equivalent of murder in restaurateur-terms. I was EXTREMELY AGHAST. I didnt even dare to look up, and kept poked desperately at the silently dying berry with my satay stick. My heart was thumping very wildly, and my mind was screaming, "How? How? How?". I must have looked like a primitive cavewoman trying to pierce her prey then.
"Oh no," the hottie drawled. How dare he be so calm when I was so frantic, I was close to hysterics? It was all his fault! And I really believed I was that close to being thrown out of the restaurant.."Geez, lets go. Hurry, before anyone sees us!" He half-dragged, half-led me away. I was blushing very furiously then, and all I could do was to mutter, "God, that was so embarassing!". He smiled, and I had a bad giggling fit then. You couldn't help it if you were in my shoes. It was a very very funny situation.
Well I did go back to the fountain several more times. Had to be thick skinned when it comes to my love (: The strawberry was still floating very evidently in my face, and I had to act irked like someone else had dumped it inside..
Plus I saw this ancient friend of mine, and had to act like I didn't recognise her, for all that happened between us. It was particularly tough, with the hottie sitting between our tables-because I just couldnt refrain exhanging subtle glances and grins. Heh heh.
What an eventful night. The money spent was well worth it (:
Then I rushed home to catch "Comrades, Almost A Love Story", and proceeded to weep my heart out. It was my first time watching the complete version, because I was too immature to appreciate the plot when it first came on TV years ago. Damn, and the star-crossed lovers just had to meet in my New York after years of being apart. Sigh, yet again huh? I'm so determined to believe that all these signs are God's little messages to me that my dreams will eventually be fulfilled.
They will.
Look how happy I am without him, despite crying the house down just days ago. I'm learning to get back on my feet fast. Soon, I will find the balance and the strength to fight for what I've dreamt of all my life ((:
Tonight was spent at the Buffet Restaurant at Meritus Mandarin. Yeah, it's the long-awaited dinner (at least in my case) with unlimited access to the chocolate fountain!! My god. From the moment I left my table, every trip I made has to by-pass that fountain table! It was THAT ORGASMIC, THAT HEAVENLY. Imagine! Bowls of succulent, juicy red berries, pitted plump prunes and white fluffy pieces of marshmallows just begging to be dipped into the fountain!
PHWARRR!
That was the sound of my appetite going out of control. Oh yes, and I remember piling heaps of Blue Cheese, salt-baked salmon and pasta onto my plate too...The efforts from a whole week of starvation in school is thus so easily wasted on a meal. :(
You know, forget Equinox or MezzaNine, or Top of The M even. The Buffet Restaurant beats them hands down. There's this really cute spanish trio that goes around performing from table to table. And when they came to mine, I think they totally went bonkers! They asked for dedications after dedications, that even the Great Music Mastro Vic ran out of songs that they could play on their guitar/violin/cello! They were so accomodating to play the Beatles, Elton John, Norah Jones, my mass dance songs (!!!!), and even "When You Say Nothing At All"!! But the last song wasn't my request, it was their dedication to me! *blush, blush*. I must gush about this, because that particular song brings back all the memories of my very very precious NPCC days.
I love great music, and it's even more awesome when it complements the great food.
I, erm...have a funny anecdote to share too! :)
When I was at the choc fountain for the nth time, this brown haired hottie came up to me and said, "So you were hogging the performers for the whole night!". I was so shocked, I was stunned for a few seconds. Then I turned very reluctantly towards him (having really low self-confidence after stuffing myself like a sow with food and hence feeling like one), and went, "Oh, but I didn't want to! They kept asking me to dedicate songs!". Raising his eyebrows, he replied, "Ah, those Spanish. Must have been too charmed by our Little Asian Princess!".
HA HA HA HA! That's damn hilarious don't you think? I was dipping my strawberries into the fountain then, and "plonk!" went one of them as it dropped into the thick, creamy chocolate. The "Princess" just drowned her strawberry. I know the chocolate fountain is the main attraction for the buffett, and hence the staff take extra precautions to maintain it's hygiene. And dropping food inside the fountain is the equivalent of murder in restaurateur-terms. I was EXTREMELY AGHAST. I didnt even dare to look up, and kept poked desperately at the silently dying berry with my satay stick. My heart was thumping very wildly, and my mind was screaming, "How? How? How?". I must have looked like a primitive cavewoman trying to pierce her prey then.
"Oh no," the hottie drawled. How dare he be so calm when I was so frantic, I was close to hysterics? It was all his fault! And I really believed I was that close to being thrown out of the restaurant.."Geez, lets go. Hurry, before anyone sees us!" He half-dragged, half-led me away. I was blushing very furiously then, and all I could do was to mutter, "God, that was so embarassing!". He smiled, and I had a bad giggling fit then. You couldn't help it if you were in my shoes. It was a very very funny situation.
Well I did go back to the fountain several more times. Had to be thick skinned when it comes to my love (: The strawberry was still floating very evidently in my face, and I had to act irked like someone else had dumped it inside..
Plus I saw this ancient friend of mine, and had to act like I didn't recognise her, for all that happened between us. It was particularly tough, with the hottie sitting between our tables-because I just couldnt refrain exhanging subtle glances and grins. Heh heh.
What an eventful night. The money spent was well worth it (:
Then I rushed home to catch "Comrades, Almost A Love Story", and proceeded to weep my heart out. It was my first time watching the complete version, because I was too immature to appreciate the plot when it first came on TV years ago. Damn, and the star-crossed lovers just had to meet in my New York after years of being apart. Sigh, yet again huh? I'm so determined to believe that all these signs are God's little messages to me that my dreams will eventually be fulfilled.
They will.
Look how happy I am without him, despite crying the house down just days ago. I'm learning to get back on my feet fast. Soon, I will find the balance and the strength to fight for what I've dreamt of all my life ((:
dysphoria came at 1:34 AM
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Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
Remember when we used to play
Now he's gone I dont know why
Until this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie
You aren't mine anymore. And I don't wish to share you with so many bloody "fans" out there.
If you think they can gladly make so many sacrifices like I made for you- GO.
You seem happier with them anyway. Now aren't you glad I ain't clinging on desperately to you anymore??
GO CELEBRATE WITH THOSE STUPID FANS THAT YOU HAVE.
You're not restricted by my evil clutches. You're free for all.
The past is no more.
The entity called "Us" will cease to exist.
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down
When I grew up I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
Remember when we used to play
Now he's gone I dont know why
Until this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie
You aren't mine anymore. And I don't wish to share you with so many bloody "fans" out there.
If you think they can gladly make so many sacrifices like I made for you- GO.
You seem happier with them anyway. Now aren't you glad I ain't clinging on desperately to you anymore??
GO CELEBRATE WITH THOSE STUPID FANS THAT YOU HAVE.
You're not restricted by my evil clutches. You're free for all.
The past is no more.
The entity called "Us" will cease to exist.
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down
dysphoria came at 11:10 AM
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Yo Justin! I'll Cry You A River.
Today the dam broke. A grand total of 4 days after I made the resolution to be strong.
Like what Sis says, "It's fated lah." Yeah, I think it's fated that I'll be so fragile and emotional and vulnerable every frigging day. 18 years old, and I cried for 2 hours straight! I couldn't care less about what the teachers, and the other students thought-because it was almost like an addiction. "Once you pop, you can't stop"-something along that line. Haha.
My god. If they hadn't provided me with tissues to soak up the tears, I think NJ would see the worst flood in its history. Heh heh.
You know it feels so damn good to reveal my feelings for once. To actually swear (ok, only a "bloody" escaped) against my will, to let the accumulated pain flow with the tears, to whine like someone 15 years my junior.
Very painful eyes, but the heart feels free. Maybe not from the chains of NJ, but at least it had a temporary retreat from all the issues. Hey heart, ready for the tougher battle ahead??
Today the dam broke. A grand total of 4 days after I made the resolution to be strong.
Like what Sis says, "It's fated lah." Yeah, I think it's fated that I'll be so fragile and emotional and vulnerable every frigging day. 18 years old, and I cried for 2 hours straight! I couldn't care less about what the teachers, and the other students thought-because it was almost like an addiction. "Once you pop, you can't stop"-something along that line. Haha.
My god. If they hadn't provided me with tissues to soak up the tears, I think NJ would see the worst flood in its history. Heh heh.
You know it feels so damn good to reveal my feelings for once. To actually swear (ok, only a "bloody" escaped) against my will, to let the accumulated pain flow with the tears, to whine like someone 15 years my junior.
Very painful eyes, but the heart feels free. Maybe not from the chains of NJ, but at least it had a temporary retreat from all the issues. Hey heart, ready for the tougher battle ahead??
dysphoria came at 7:59 PM
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Ooooooohhhh...Let's look at some happy stuffs for once, shall we?
It's pink. It's a convertible. It's a darn Beetle! So hot, so damn hot!!
And why does everything I covet, from food to the Arts come from the U.S of bloody A? :((
It's pink. It's a convertible. It's a darn Beetle! So hot, so damn hot!!
And why does everything I covet, from food to the Arts come from the U.S of bloody A? :((
dysphoria came at 10:48 PM
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Oscar-The Grouch?
I think I really should win the Academy Awards for the Best Actress (for playing Life).
Hmm yeah. I so damn deserve it.
Anyone who can find the connection between the Vic in NJ and the Vic in Real Life would be exalted as my God. Heh heh.
Now I know why they say there's only a fine line between reality and make-believes. I've sunken so low into the infinite imgination of mine, the fine line has been fuzzy since long ago...But you know, it's not really that adverse all the time. Sometimes I do get to feel happy while pretending to be so. At least that's better than surrendering to my real emotions and collapsing in uncontrollable sobs-because it upsets people around me too.
I believe I've lost myself. See how great the things I've given to this frigging school? I gave it my identity, my future, my lifetime-with absolutely no returns. It's a bad, bad investment. No wonder I have to drop Econs. Hahahahaha. I've no foresight at all!
I think I really should win the Academy Awards for the Best Actress (for playing Life).
Hmm yeah. I so damn deserve it.
Anyone who can find the connection between the Vic in NJ and the Vic in Real Life would be exalted as my God. Heh heh.
Now I know why they say there's only a fine line between reality and make-believes. I've sunken so low into the infinite imgination of mine, the fine line has been fuzzy since long ago...But you know, it's not really that adverse all the time. Sometimes I do get to feel happy while pretending to be so. At least that's better than surrendering to my real emotions and collapsing in uncontrollable sobs-because it upsets people around me too.
I believe I've lost myself. See how great the things I've given to this frigging school? I gave it my identity, my future, my lifetime-with absolutely no returns. It's a bad, bad investment. No wonder I have to drop Econs. Hahahahaha. I've no foresight at all!
dysphoria came at 6:27 PM
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High-strung Emotions
I'm so sorry for the sudden outbursts recently. My temper has always been horrid, and it's worse when I'm this emotional.
Very sorry if I do roll my eyes/snap/frown/scowl in your direction. You know I don't mean it-I'm not usually like that at all. It's just these personal issues that I'm battling with..
And I felt so frigging guilty after snapping at Mr Goh and rolling my eyes at him (he saw it of course) during his class lectures. I havent done so to a teacher for 2 years! The last one being Mr Peh, but that man obviously deserved it.
Ah, I've done so many wrongs, and there's so little time to correct them. I hope Friday hurrys up and arrive, so I'll know where I stand with him-and come to a final closure.
Closures are good. Be it happy or sad, I'll have a answer for my heart. (:
I'm so sorry for the sudden outbursts recently. My temper has always been horrid, and it's worse when I'm this emotional.
Very sorry if I do roll my eyes/snap/frown/scowl in your direction. You know I don't mean it-I'm not usually like that at all. It's just these personal issues that I'm battling with..
And I felt so frigging guilty after snapping at Mr Goh and rolling my eyes at him (he saw it of course) during his class lectures. I havent done so to a teacher for 2 years! The last one being Mr Peh, but that man obviously deserved it.
Ah, I've done so many wrongs, and there's so little time to correct them. I hope Friday hurrys up and arrive, so I'll know where I stand with him-and come to a final closure.
Closures are good. Be it happy or sad, I'll have a answer for my heart. (:
dysphoria came at 5:22 AM
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Who can make me swallow my lonely tears and smile within a second?
Oh you silly boy.
It's so easy to forgive you, as much as I hate to. I have no pride, I have no determination whatsoever when it comes to you. Sometimes I wish you're not so endearing so it's actually easier to hate you and forget about this friendship.
But times like now, when you're exceptionally kind and accomodating, I'll give you half of my heart without a second thought (the other half's reserved for 52 of course.).
Dammit lah! Now you make me sound like a capricious depressive even on my own blog :(
I'll give us one more shot. Lets both pray it'll go well...Please!
Oh you silly boy.
It's so easy to forgive you, as much as I hate to. I have no pride, I have no determination whatsoever when it comes to you. Sometimes I wish you're not so endearing so it's actually easier to hate you and forget about this friendship.
But times like now, when you're exceptionally kind and accomodating, I'll give you half of my heart without a second thought (the other half's reserved for 52 of course.).
Dammit lah! Now you make me sound like a capricious depressive even on my own blog :(
I'll give us one more shot. Lets both pray it'll go well...Please!
dysphoria came at 9:29 PM
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The Theme Song of My Life.
Today, I finally saw Best Friend. And believe it or not, I actually strolled past him without realising it! It was actually Nan and Jo who spotted him, and rushed forward to tell me (since speed-walking has become my fave hobby with Sista.). I doubled back, only to see him surrounded by a group of guys.
But nevermind, I missed him so much, I practically shoved my way into the group and tugged on his arm.
Vee: You're back!! So are you okay?
*sniggers from the guys* (I've gotten used to that eons ago, so I can be pretty oblivious when I want to)
BF: Er...ya ya ya. *nods furiously*
Vee: Oh. So you're not sad or anything? No problems?
BF: No...no no.
Vee: Ah ok then. Bye!
BF: Bye bye!
You see how eccentric the Best Friend is? He actually speaks like the school's security guard, William Ong! The repetitions, the painfully curt replies, the lack of concern....man, where has my Bestest Friend in the world gone to??
I really feel that Im losing my best friend. I cant believe this could be the end.
I looked at him then, thinking of all the tears I shed, all the sufferings I endured since entering NJ because of him, all the letters I tried to write to him during the weekend...Is this boy really worth it? This boy who answers my worry with reluctant words, this boy who doesn't even call out my name anymore, this boy who barely knows me. It's so foolish of me to regard a perfect stranger as a Best Friend isn't it??
It looks as though youre letting go. And if its real,well I dont want to know.
I really don't know what to make of this friendship. It is my fault for acquainting myself with this unaffectionate, painfully shy and immature Kampung Boy- and developed such strong attachment to our almost non-existent friendship. But sometimes I really see the goodness in him. It doesn't show often, but when he's unassumingly sweet and helpful, I get all warm and mushy...and then see him as the Best Friend I'll ever have. He really could be a nice friend if he wanted to. Sometimes I wonder if it's my over-earnesty, or that I'm simply behaving like a parasite-thus am undeserving of his friendship.
I know what youre thinking. I dont need your reasons. Don’t tell me cause it hurts.
Am I really that horrid? Sigh. I could change for him. I could do many many things just to be the way we were. If only he knows. I've spent the weekend writing tens of letters for him, only to tear them apart. I simply cannot convey my thoughts without the over-flowing emotions-what I wrote only showed that I'm an over-sentimental loser who demands for more of his affection because I see him as my Best Friend. I'm childish, I'm too emotional for his comfort, I'm too demanding.
But I love him.
As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry.
What should I do?? I don't want to bury a 6 year-old friendship with my own hands...and I really cherish those fond memories we had in the good old days. I remember there was just once when he said, "I love you!". I turned back to look at him, hardly daring to believe my ears. "What did you say?! Hahahaha. Love you too!", I cried back happily. And then he said jokingly," Er, I was saying that to the birds leh!". That was perhaps the happiest day of my secondary school life. So you see, I have reasons to have faith in this friendship.
Our memories, they can be inviting. But some are altogether mighty frightening.
It's just that somewhere along the way, something happened. I don't know when or what it was, but we just drifted apart. I'm still very dependent on him of course, it was only him who pushes me away like we were never close. Never close! Ha! 4 years of being classmates and CCA-mates (plus the 2 years in NJ), with that much secrets and laughters and tear shared means nothing to him. I don't know how I can correct this. What can I do, what can I do???
Its all ending, Im gotta stop pretending who we are...
I tried talking to Boon and YX about it during our major catching up session this afternoon, but they laughed it off. I don't blame them of course, because who will understand? Who will actually believe I could be foolish to such extent? Who will know the magnitude of my affections?
HE'S REALLY A FRIGGING STUPID BOY!! :(((
*small voice to self* But you do love him.
You and me, I can see us dying... are we???
Today, I finally saw Best Friend. And believe it or not, I actually strolled past him without realising it! It was actually Nan and Jo who spotted him, and rushed forward to tell me (since speed-walking has become my fave hobby with Sista.). I doubled back, only to see him surrounded by a group of guys.
But nevermind, I missed him so much, I practically shoved my way into the group and tugged on his arm.
Vee: You're back!! So are you okay?
*sniggers from the guys* (I've gotten used to that eons ago, so I can be pretty oblivious when I want to)
BF: Er...ya ya ya. *nods furiously*
Vee: Oh. So you're not sad or anything? No problems?
BF: No...no no.
Vee: Ah ok then. Bye!
BF: Bye bye!
You see how eccentric the Best Friend is? He actually speaks like the school's security guard, William Ong! The repetitions, the painfully curt replies, the lack of concern....man, where has my Bestest Friend in the world gone to??
I really feel that Im losing my best friend. I cant believe this could be the end.
I looked at him then, thinking of all the tears I shed, all the sufferings I endured since entering NJ because of him, all the letters I tried to write to him during the weekend...Is this boy really worth it? This boy who answers my worry with reluctant words, this boy who doesn't even call out my name anymore, this boy who barely knows me. It's so foolish of me to regard a perfect stranger as a Best Friend isn't it??
It looks as though youre letting go. And if its real,well I dont want to know.
I really don't know what to make of this friendship. It is my fault for acquainting myself with this unaffectionate, painfully shy and immature Kampung Boy- and developed such strong attachment to our almost non-existent friendship. But sometimes I really see the goodness in him. It doesn't show often, but when he's unassumingly sweet and helpful, I get all warm and mushy...and then see him as the Best Friend I'll ever have. He really could be a nice friend if he wanted to. Sometimes I wonder if it's my over-earnesty, or that I'm simply behaving like a parasite-thus am undeserving of his friendship.
I know what youre thinking. I dont need your reasons. Don’t tell me cause it hurts.
Am I really that horrid? Sigh. I could change for him. I could do many many things just to be the way we were. If only he knows. I've spent the weekend writing tens of letters for him, only to tear them apart. I simply cannot convey my thoughts without the over-flowing emotions-what I wrote only showed that I'm an over-sentimental loser who demands for more of his affection because I see him as my Best Friend. I'm childish, I'm too emotional for his comfort, I'm too demanding.
But I love him.
As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry.
What should I do?? I don't want to bury a 6 year-old friendship with my own hands...and I really cherish those fond memories we had in the good old days. I remember there was just once when he said, "I love you!". I turned back to look at him, hardly daring to believe my ears. "What did you say?! Hahahaha. Love you too!", I cried back happily. And then he said jokingly," Er, I was saying that to the birds leh!". That was perhaps the happiest day of my secondary school life. So you see, I have reasons to have faith in this friendship.
Our memories, they can be inviting. But some are altogether mighty frightening.
It's just that somewhere along the way, something happened. I don't know when or what it was, but we just drifted apart. I'm still very dependent on him of course, it was only him who pushes me away like we were never close. Never close! Ha! 4 years of being classmates and CCA-mates (plus the 2 years in NJ), with that much secrets and laughters and tear shared means nothing to him. I don't know how I can correct this. What can I do, what can I do???
Its all ending, Im gotta stop pretending who we are...
I tried talking to Boon and YX about it during our major catching up session this afternoon, but they laughed it off. I don't blame them of course, because who will understand? Who will actually believe I could be foolish to such extent? Who will know the magnitude of my affections?
HE'S REALLY A FRIGGING STUPID BOY!! :(((
*small voice to self* But you do love him.
You and me, I can see us dying... are we???
dysphoria came at 6:23 PM
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]AuReOL3[[ Where art thou....Longing is my heart for thee!! says:
you have arts in your gene...
I doubt it's in my genes, considering how uneasy the parents are around the Arts, ie fidgeting and being all impatient. I like to think that maybe I'm born with the ability to appreciate beauty in even the most grotesque forms and thus am this obsessed with the Arts. And maybe the slight talent that I have is painstakingly cultivated throughout the years (:
This is one of the best compliments I can ever receive. Yayy!
you have arts in your gene...
I doubt it's in my genes, considering how uneasy the parents are around the Arts, ie fidgeting and being all impatient. I like to think that maybe I'm born with the ability to appreciate beauty in even the most grotesque forms and thus am this obsessed with the Arts. And maybe the slight talent that I have is painstakingly cultivated throughout the years (:
This is one of the best compliments I can ever receive. Yayy!
dysphoria came at 11:22 PM
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"u got your brother to protect u anywhere u go"
I know you read this. I just want you to know that was ultra sweet of you. It's just the kinda assurance I need after all that betrayals and lies.
So tear-inducingly heart-warming...Sigh.
You're not the real brother. You're not Best Friend. But you're as close as that, and I'm thankful for you around ((:
I know you read this. I just want you to know that was ultra sweet of you. It's just the kinda assurance I need after all that betrayals and lies.
So tear-inducingly heart-warming...Sigh.
You're not the real brother. You're not Best Friend. But you're as close as that, and I'm thankful for you around ((:
dysphoria came at 10:41 PM
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Surviving a cold, dreary weekend with relentless worrying for Best Friend really takes a lot.
But I've survived-so all should be well.
It's funny how we say, "Oh, it's not that bad really." whenever we've lived through an ordeal. I'd love to hear those words coming out of my lips when the next obstacle arrives. It will, soon, considering the tumultous times ahead.
I will be stronger, and more prepared then. No more childish tears, no more embarassing break-downs. (:
But I've survived-so all should be well.
It's funny how we say, "Oh, it's not that bad really." whenever we've lived through an ordeal. I'd love to hear those words coming out of my lips when the next obstacle arrives. It will, soon, considering the tumultous times ahead.
I will be stronger, and more prepared then. No more childish tears, no more embarassing break-downs. (:
dysphoria came at 4:40 PM
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The Week's Report
- Bullet posts are all I can muster.
- Little India with Wei.
- Realised there's many gothic, skeleton-like weird stuffs in shops now. Must save up, cuz I'm gonna own them all!
- I love Wei (:
- Skipped school and mugging with Eu at the library.
- Loads of teasing and laughing during Math remedials.
- Learnt about what happened to BF, and spilling unnecessary tears.
- Betrayed by a very close mutual friend. It hurts, and I really cant help the infernal rage.
- Cried on the bus to school because I couldn't help thinking of BF. Was comforted by quite a few strangers, which was damn embarassing. They prolly thought I was too stressed, being in NJ and all.
- Maybe I should take the earlier/later bus every morning. It'll be darn weird to see the same people again. Heh.
- Couldn't avoid meeting this ungrateful friend every morning. So I had to put away the hurt and attempt to smile and pretend like we're all innocent and happy again. Actually, no matter what the reasons were, things will never be the same again.
- Maybe I've lost a wonderful friendship. But I'm glad I saw through this person.
- I will always love Best Friend.
- BF didnt tell me-and the other close friends too. So it's okay I guess! I'm not treated like a parasite after all.
- Mr Tsang asked if we wanted to apply for UK universities, because we shouldn't hesitate anymore. I immediately asked him about US unis, and he said, "Soon." I'm now more certain than ever before. It must be Columbia, and it feels good that the future's decided (: All depends on fate, and my dilligence now...
- Was THIS close to hating Mr Tsang because he just simply refused to let me refer to my notes and leaving me alone to the questions during remedial. I need my freedom and space!! Try to restrict me and you'll have a damn frustrated, angst-ridden teen at your heels. I was so effing angry and came very close to tears. Why couldn't he just left me alone? I would have produced perfect answers! Yes, I'm damn sure I could have done the questions on my own, in less than 2 hours, if he'd only left me to my notes....:( We've all done these questions so many times, but I just couldn't remember the formulas! It's a foot-stomping, hair-tearing pain you know that??
- Finally found the perfect opportunity to cry when Mr Tsang remarked, " I dunno if I should tell you this, but it's hard for you all to pass your A levels. You only did 2 questions in 2 hours leh. Lets see, the paper's duration is 3 hours, so that means you will have only 30 marks.". HA HA HA HA HA! It's pathetically hilarious don't you think? Go on and laugh, I don't mind..because I couldn't help bursting into laughter then. 2 easy-peasy questions in 2 hours! All that frustration, the rage, the anxiety, the self-loathing, the guilt, the helplessness came rolling out as the eyes filled with discrete tears.
- Crying while laughing is the perfect excuse for tears.
- I still love Mr Tsang. And I so appreciate that he'd even go to such desperate lengths to motivate us. I remembered everything he told me the last time, and it was so clear that he wouldn't mind being the Villian of NJ just so we could score for Math.
- He's one of the best teachers I had, and I was so glad I didn't cry spiteful tears because of him then. Because it means I really hated him, and I've crossed the line of no return. Thank god. I'll never have such negative thoughts about a good man with equally good intentions again.
- I'm actually feeling better getting all this burden of my chest.
- Now that I'm relieved, this will be a happy weekend ((:
dysphoria came at 5:21 PM
|
I CALLED! I JUST MADE THAT FATEFUL CALL!
Heh. That was prolly the first phonecall made to a friend this year (:
I rolled on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably and soaking my pillow, until Mum came in and ask what happened. Imagine the humiliation! Then for the very first time in my life, I locked my bedroom door, and dialed Best Friend's number with trembling fingers. That task alone was tougher than attempting a full Math paper. I pressed "Call", only to be seized by anxiety and overwhelming emotions, I had to cancel the call. This happened for a few times until I told myself if I really love this person, I had to know what's happening.
It was so hard forcing coherent words out of my lips. I attempted to swallow back the disobedient tears, and ended up with the worst case of hiccups. I like to think that my throat constricted so badly, I was barely coherent-thus only telepathy between two like-minded souls brings about the understanding. I just hope Best Friend doesnt realise why I had a very husky voice out of a sudden.
1.35 minutes. That's pretty pathetic for a convo between 2 very ancient friends, but I think if I held on any longer, BF will end up comforting me, instead of the other way round.
BF is okay. BF sounds happy, and at least now BF knows how much I care.
That's all that matters. BF will be back soon, and I can be happy again!
I LOVE YOU, BF (:
Heh. That was prolly the first phonecall made to a friend this year (:
I rolled on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably and soaking my pillow, until Mum came in and ask what happened. Imagine the humiliation! Then for the very first time in my life, I locked my bedroom door, and dialed Best Friend's number with trembling fingers. That task alone was tougher than attempting a full Math paper. I pressed "Call", only to be seized by anxiety and overwhelming emotions, I had to cancel the call. This happened for a few times until I told myself if I really love this person, I had to know what's happening.
It was so hard forcing coherent words out of my lips. I attempted to swallow back the disobedient tears, and ended up with the worst case of hiccups. I like to think that my throat constricted so badly, I was barely coherent-thus only telepathy between two like-minded souls brings about the understanding. I just hope Best Friend doesnt realise why I had a very husky voice out of a sudden.
1.35 minutes. That's pretty pathetic for a convo between 2 very ancient friends, but I think if I held on any longer, BF will end up comforting me, instead of the other way round.
BF is okay. BF sounds happy, and at least now BF knows how much I care.
That's all that matters. BF will be back soon, and I can be happy again!
I LOVE YOU, BF (:
dysphoria came at 9:22 PM
|
Hey Best Friend,
I'm really worried for you, but it's just not my style to call people up. Maybe I will later. But if I do, I hope you damn well appreciate the things I do for you!! My happy day was ruined all because I couldn't keep all the things surrounding you outta my mind.
Sometimes I really wish you could reciprocate just a tiny bit. I mean after all that I've devoted to this friendship, do I really deserve your silence and absence? It hurt so greatly that an ungrateful, betraying mutual friend could know so much, and all I ever get is-nothing.
Why do you have to leave me out of this? I care so much, every frickin person around us knows that! What is all these years to you huh? All that I've really sacrificed and given? It's not so bad if you rather keep this to yourself and not breathe a word to a single soul...because personalities like yours shrink into recluse sometimes. But WHY TELL THIS PARTICULAR PERSON, INSTEAD OF ME????! We all know who should take more priority, in account of the things I've done for you. That really cut deep, so deep. Because it shows I'm nothing to you at all. Nothing. After WHAT I'VE EFFING SUFFERED!
But it's ok, I will try to take that. Because I love you SO MUCH. You're so damn important to me, I doubt I can survive for long without you around. I'm like a leech that'll always be trying to get under your skin. I hunger for the very affection and love that runs in your blood. You may see me only as an annoying pest, a cumbersome parasite, but that's too bad. Because I'm here to stay in your life. What we have means more than friendship to me. It's nearly kinship you know that? I'll stay by you always. Even when the whole world goes against you, I hope you'll know that this obstinate, foolish girl will always fight alongside you.
I hope you'll be okay. You will. You aren't YOU for nothing (:
Come back into my life soon ok? I've entered NJ and suffered pure misery for 2 years for you- I seriously wouldn't mind giving up more just so you come back.
I will wait-and love you always! (:
xoxoxoxoxox,
Vic.
PS I always loved the way you call my name. Please do that again? It's so quiet and empty all of a sudden without your voice, your face, and your presence. The sadness echoes through the gray, endless corridors and there's no comfort I can seek.
I'm really worried for you, but it's just not my style to call people up. Maybe I will later. But if I do, I hope you damn well appreciate the things I do for you!! My happy day was ruined all because I couldn't keep all the things surrounding you outta my mind.
Sometimes I really wish you could reciprocate just a tiny bit. I mean after all that I've devoted to this friendship, do I really deserve your silence and absence? It hurt so greatly that an ungrateful, betraying mutual friend could know so much, and all I ever get is-nothing.
Why do you have to leave me out of this? I care so much, every frickin person around us knows that! What is all these years to you huh? All that I've really sacrificed and given? It's not so bad if you rather keep this to yourself and not breathe a word to a single soul...because personalities like yours shrink into recluse sometimes. But WHY TELL THIS PARTICULAR PERSON, INSTEAD OF ME????! We all know who should take more priority, in account of the things I've done for you. That really cut deep, so deep. Because it shows I'm nothing to you at all. Nothing. After WHAT I'VE EFFING SUFFERED!
But it's ok, I will try to take that. Because I love you SO MUCH. You're so damn important to me, I doubt I can survive for long without you around. I'm like a leech that'll always be trying to get under your skin. I hunger for the very affection and love that runs in your blood. You may see me only as an annoying pest, a cumbersome parasite, but that's too bad. Because I'm here to stay in your life. What we have means more than friendship to me. It's nearly kinship you know that? I'll stay by you always. Even when the whole world goes against you, I hope you'll know that this obstinate, foolish girl will always fight alongside you.
I hope you'll be okay. You will. You aren't YOU for nothing (:
Come back into my life soon ok? I've entered NJ and suffered pure misery for 2 years for you- I seriously wouldn't mind giving up more just so you come back.
I will wait-and love you always! (:
xoxoxoxoxox,
Vic.
PS I always loved the way you call my name. Please do that again? It's so quiet and empty all of a sudden without your voice, your face, and your presence. The sadness echoes through the gray, endless corridors and there's no comfort I can seek.
dysphoria came at 7:54 PM
|
Whenever I listen to a new sad and beautiful song, my heart curls up with powerful emotions.
I kinda like that feeling.
But does that make me sadistic?
Maybe I just need a good cry- it's been a long time.
I kinda like that feeling.
But does that make me sadistic?
Maybe I just need a good cry- it's been a long time.
dysphoria came at 12:41 AM
|
Things I Wish You'll Say
When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
But I'm afraid I've fallen for a guy who would rather be skinned alive, than be caught saying these words.
Wrong guy. Again.
So tell me what's new?
When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
But I'm afraid I've fallen for a guy who would rather be skinned alive, than be caught saying these words.
Wrong guy. Again.
So tell me what's new?
dysphoria came at 8:46 PM
|
You're Away.
I'm Busy.
I've been thinking if I take my "Busy" away, would you chat with me then? But I forgot, how could you know I'm always here if your heart's Away? And how would you ever message me if I always seem preoccupied with my Busy life?
I'm Busy.
I've been thinking if I take my "Busy" away, would you chat with me then? But I forgot, how could you know I'm always here if your heart's Away? And how would you ever message me if I always seem preoccupied with my Busy life?
dysphoria came at 11:08 PM
|
Why Vodka Should Be God
These Absolut people, they really know their art huh. But how come the New York ad looks so unimpressive as compared to the Parisian one? :(
And lookie, here's one of OUR Singapore..
A spoof of our obsession with cleanliness. Very well done I say! Maybe they should do a "Fine City"/ "Pressure Cooker" one next.
Must love Vodka, must love Long Island, and then....what? Sometimes I really wonder why I'm this obsessed with everything (and I really mean everything) related to the Big Apple. Maybe if you'll just give it to me, I'll shut up for good.
These Absolut people, they really know their art huh. But how come the New York ad looks so unimpressive as compared to the Parisian one? :(
And lookie, here's one of OUR Singapore..
A spoof of our obsession with cleanliness. Very well done I say! Maybe they should do a "Fine City"/ "Pressure Cooker" one next.
Must love Vodka, must love Long Island, and then....what? Sometimes I really wonder why I'm this obsessed with everything (and I really mean everything) related to the Big Apple. Maybe if you'll just give it to me, I'll shut up for good.
dysphoria came at 9:18 PM
|
Oh, and do you know that whenever I re-read your smses, my eyes sting with the most painful tears?
Something just tells me this friendship's worth the waiting. Enough with your recluse already can? Come and talk to me again can?
Something just tells me this friendship's worth the waiting. Enough with your recluse already can? Come and talk to me again can?
dysphoria came at 8:59 PM
|
Old-time Muses
Boy, I really really thought we could be each other's muses. You know, we had the rare connection that spells out "I know and I understand. I've been through this too, so lets work towards being better people".
The agreements, the plans and the encouragements were very heartwarming. You made me smile despite the tears brimming in my overshadowed eyes.
But I'm scared of you. You're the most complex person I've known. It's been so long but I only understand a part of you, and as much as I tried to, I really cannot tell you more about myself. I understand all relationships should be built on a give-and-take basis. But self-introduction is really not my forte. Maybe you could sense my reluctance. Maybe I didn't convey my feelings towards this relationship as apparently as I wished to.
I miss you. And I need you so much. I need your maturity to mould my naive views. I need your leading hands to show me the way in these tumultous times. I need to listen to your provocative thoughts so I have renewed inspiration towards life. I need you, and only you, to make me smile truely from inside.
You come and go as you wish, but I cannot give up what we had.The awkward, fragile, unconventional friendship that I thrived on.
So I'll keep waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
Until we could all live like the past again.
I really miss you....
Sometimes all I want in the world is you to tell me where I stand with you.
Boy, I really really thought we could be each other's muses. You know, we had the rare connection that spells out "I know and I understand. I've been through this too, so lets work towards being better people".
The agreements, the plans and the encouragements were very heartwarming. You made me smile despite the tears brimming in my overshadowed eyes.
But I'm scared of you. You're the most complex person I've known. It's been so long but I only understand a part of you, and as much as I tried to, I really cannot tell you more about myself. I understand all relationships should be built on a give-and-take basis. But self-introduction is really not my forte. Maybe you could sense my reluctance. Maybe I didn't convey my feelings towards this relationship as apparently as I wished to.
I miss you. And I need you so much. I need your maturity to mould my naive views. I need your leading hands to show me the way in these tumultous times. I need to listen to your provocative thoughts so I have renewed inspiration towards life. I need you, and only you, to make me smile truely from inside.
You come and go as you wish, but I cannot give up what we had.The awkward, fragile, unconventional friendship that I thrived on.
So I'll keep waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
Until we could all live like the past again.
I really miss you....
Sometimes all I want in the world is you to tell me where I stand with you.
dysphoria came at 8:38 PM
|
Was I Right?
Sometimes I feel so frickin inadequate, I can barely meet my classmate's eyes.
Sometimes I get so hyper because of this new lease of freedom, I giggle at the slightest provocation. And I do know I go overboard sometimes, because even the crazy Sheng asks me, "Are you alright? ".
Sometimes I wanna weep my scarred heart out when I think about over-achievers and how I used to be one of them.
Sometimes I think of others around me, and reassure myself that it's okay. It's no big deal really, because life is supposed to be FLAWED.
Maybe this is too hefty a price to pay for happiness-lets hope I have no regrets yeah? Regret's my only concern when it comes to major decision-making that most prolly determine the rest of my life.
I MUST BE HAPPY. I've paid too much for this to waste any more chances.
He says my life will be good, and so it will :))
Sometimes I feel so frickin inadequate, I can barely meet my classmate's eyes.
Sometimes I get so hyper because of this new lease of freedom, I giggle at the slightest provocation. And I do know I go overboard sometimes, because even the crazy Sheng asks me, "Are you alright? ".
Sometimes I wanna weep my scarred heart out when I think about over-achievers and how I used to be one of them.
Sometimes I think of others around me, and reassure myself that it's okay. It's no big deal really, because life is supposed to be FLAWED.
Maybe this is too hefty a price to pay for happiness-lets hope I have no regrets yeah? Regret's my only concern when it comes to major decision-making that most prolly determine the rest of my life.
I MUST BE HAPPY. I've paid too much for this to waste any more chances.
He says my life will be good, and so it will :))
dysphoria came at 8:17 PM
|
Coolio!
Don't you just feel like this sometimes?
And by my morbid standards, it's the perfect suicide. Beautifully sanguine (:
Don't you just feel like this sometimes?
And by my morbid standards, it's the perfect suicide. Beautifully sanguine (:
dysphoria came at 9:45 PM
|
Vacuous Statements.
If I love the Singapore Sling for it's subtle sweetness and loathe Long Island (the drink, not NY's district) because Vodka seriously sucks, nevermind the other components...
does that mean I'll eventually learn to love this hell of a place?
I believe in symbolic messages left deliberately by Providence. If I love something here, then eventually I may develop fondness for other aspects. Please, I have no more space in my heart for unnecessary sentiments, especially towards something that caused this much pain.
There's so much I want to say, but my already slow mind is further retarded by damn alcohol. Maybe this is what they call "Druken Stupor".
Damn! I should learn to love Vodka. :(
If I love the Singapore Sling for it's subtle sweetness and loathe Long Island (the drink, not NY's district) because Vodka seriously sucks, nevermind the other components...
does that mean I'll eventually learn to love this hell of a place?
I believe in symbolic messages left deliberately by Providence. If I love something here, then eventually I may develop fondness for other aspects. Please, I have no more space in my heart for unnecessary sentiments, especially towards something that caused this much pain.
There's so much I want to say, but my already slow mind is further retarded by damn alcohol. Maybe this is what they call "Druken Stupor".
Damn! I should learn to love Vodka. :(
dysphoria came at 12:27 AM
|
The Centre of My Universe
I'm beaming with inexplicable "warm fuzziness" now, because Seth and Summer just got back together. Yes, tonight was the Spiderman's kiss episode (:
I like the part where Summer, in the airport waiting for her flight to Italy, saw a miniature Seth Cohen playing with his favourite pony-and realised she cannot fight fate. She loved what they had, something the goody-two-shoes Zach could never provide for. And so, she left what everyone thought was the perfect guy for the "little bitch who runs away on his sailboat, leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him until the 4th of July."
Oh, such grand romantic gestures.....
I really see love through them. They're the romance centre of my universe. I guess I needed them to be together to believe in the noble thing called Love again.
I hope sometime in my life, I get to play Summer-the girl who has it all.
I'm beaming with inexplicable "warm fuzziness" now, because Seth and Summer just got back together. Yes, tonight was the Spiderman's kiss episode (:
I like the part where Summer, in the airport waiting for her flight to Italy, saw a miniature Seth Cohen playing with his favourite pony-and realised she cannot fight fate. She loved what they had, something the goody-two-shoes Zach could never provide for. And so, she left what everyone thought was the perfect guy for the "little bitch who runs away on his sailboat, leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him until the 4th of July."
Oh, such grand romantic gestures.....
I really see love through them. They're the romance centre of my universe. I guess I needed them to be together to believe in the noble thing called Love again.
I hope sometime in my life, I get to play Summer-the girl who has it all.
dysphoria came at 12:05 AM
|
Smile, and I'm All Yours (:
People, I'm compelled to believe this will be my new checklist for potential Other-halves.
Because every single time he glances over and smiles/nods/waves, the heart's ever-steady beating would go haywire. My throat constricts. Then there'll be this warm, fuzzy feeling that spreads from somewhere within the chest to my fingertips and toes.....and finally, I'll melt very happily into a mushy, gooey pool of puppy-love.
Trouble is your middle name
But in the end you’re not too bad
Can someone tell me if it’s wrong to be
So mad about you
I like subtle attractions like that. Not unabashed declarations like what happened with 52...because if all else fails, I won't be facing the empty void of humiliation and eternal yearning.
We're talking about a very shrewd, fatally charming guy here. Dammit! He does know the works-how to make a girl's heart flutter alongside with her lashes. Hoho. I shall tread very gingerly on this new dangerous territory, lest it balloons into the unspeakble horror called Love and threaten to rob me of my new-found Happiness again.
Are you the fishy wine that will give me
A headache in the morning
Or just a dark blue land mine
That’ll explode without a decent warning
That's why I'm so mad about you.
Man, fatal attractions are fun! They're quiet mind-games, blatant flirtations, addictive adrenaline rushes, saccharine fondness all rolled into one (:
- Tempermental
- Rude
- Unchivalrous
- Arrogant
- Talks too much for his own good
- Argumentative
- Obstinate
- Smouldering bad-boy looks
- Toned, muscular forearms
- Proficient in English
- Street and book-smarts
- 1.75m-1.80m
- Sufficiently passionate about life to boldly convey his own views.
People, I'm compelled to believe this will be my new checklist for potential Other-halves.
Because every single time he glances over and smiles/nods/waves, the heart's ever-steady beating would go haywire. My throat constricts. Then there'll be this warm, fuzzy feeling that spreads from somewhere within the chest to my fingertips and toes.....and finally, I'll melt very happily into a mushy, gooey pool of puppy-love.
Trouble is your middle name
But in the end you’re not too bad
Can someone tell me if it’s wrong to be
So mad about you
I like subtle attractions like that. Not unabashed declarations like what happened with 52...because if all else fails, I won't be facing the empty void of humiliation and eternal yearning.
We're talking about a very shrewd, fatally charming guy here. Dammit! He does know the works-how to make a girl's heart flutter alongside with her lashes. Hoho. I shall tread very gingerly on this new dangerous territory, lest it balloons into the unspeakble horror called Love and threaten to rob me of my new-found Happiness again.
Are you the fishy wine that will give me
A headache in the morning
Or just a dark blue land mine
That’ll explode without a decent warning
That's why I'm so mad about you.
Man, fatal attractions are fun! They're quiet mind-games, blatant flirtations, addictive adrenaline rushes, saccharine fondness all rolled into one (:
dysphoria came at 6:50 PM
|
Oh Happiness, How You Tease Me.
After Civics today,
Boon: Are you ok?
Vee: Why?
Boon: You've been crying is it?
Vee: Hahahaha! No lah! Why do you say that?
Boon: Your eyes are moist and red!
That was when I realised I was laughing so hard in the hall with Nan and Sista, I actually teared.
I covet this freedom. I feel relieved of all the burdens in the world, now that I've finally made up my mind. And I think, I have matured. Yes, I'm no longer the over-ambitious, cowardly kid who wants the best of everything. The best doesn't necessarily equate to happiness, as I've already learnt by entering NJ- that's why I shall place MY happiness at the top of my priority list from now on :)
I really miss this feeling, being able to laugh and smile and skip about without a care in the world. In fact, I think I should capture such weightless joy in a jar, put it on a pedestal, and worship it as the God of Positivity.
I love my friends-the very people in the school I hate, and the funny/weird moments we have. Haha, this is a sudden profession...but really, thank you so much for making this Hell more tolerable, even in the worst of its days.
I think I should savour this new-found joy like how I'd usually nibble on my Godivas...lest it flees from my grasp again (:
After Civics today,
Boon: Are you ok?
Vee: Why?
Boon: You've been crying is it?
Vee: Hahahaha! No lah! Why do you say that?
Boon: Your eyes are moist and red!
That was when I realised I was laughing so hard in the hall with Nan and Sista, I actually teared.
I covet this freedom. I feel relieved of all the burdens in the world, now that I've finally made up my mind. And I think, I have matured. Yes, I'm no longer the over-ambitious, cowardly kid who wants the best of everything. The best doesn't necessarily equate to happiness, as I've already learnt by entering NJ- that's why I shall place MY happiness at the top of my priority list from now on :)
I really miss this feeling, being able to laugh and smile and skip about without a care in the world. In fact, I think I should capture such weightless joy in a jar, put it on a pedestal, and worship it as the God of Positivity.
I love my friends-the very people in the school I hate, and the funny/weird moments we have. Haha, this is a sudden profession...but really, thank you so much for making this Hell more tolerable, even in the worst of its days.
I think I should savour this new-found joy like how I'd usually nibble on my Godivas...lest it flees from my grasp again (:
dysphoria came at 6:39 PM
|
We've come too far to leave it all behind
how could we end it all this way
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
I'm sorry for the vocabulary, or the lack thereof. If not for this amazing self-restraint, uglier words would be dancing across your eyes right now.
Actually, I'm not even depressed. No, not angry too.
Just numb. When the pain intensifies beyond your tolerance, you cease to care anymore. Apathy's worse than all the hatred in the world.
Someday, I will look back upon this year and shake my head in disbelief, how self-destructive I had been. But, will that someday ever come? Will I ever get myself out of this rut, because I know very well no one can help?
#%#$^@#$#%!
There's so much negativity, I'm choking on it.
how could we end it all this way
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
I'm sorry for the vocabulary, or the lack thereof. If not for this amazing self-restraint, uglier words would be dancing across your eyes right now.
Actually, I'm not even depressed. No, not angry too.
Just numb. When the pain intensifies beyond your tolerance, you cease to care anymore. Apathy's worse than all the hatred in the world.
Someday, I will look back upon this year and shake my head in disbelief, how self-destructive I had been. But, will that someday ever come? Will I ever get myself out of this rut, because I know very well no one can help?
#%#$^@#$#%!
There's so much negativity, I'm choking on it.
dysphoria came at 6:50 PM
|
Sour grapes and all
It has reached a point of no return.
I now call myself Ms Merana, just so you know how bad it is.
Sigh.
How now?? :(
Ok, Mummy says if I keep brooding on negativity, it'll happen eventually. Nevermind, lets talk cheery stuffs.
It has reached a point of no return.
I now call myself Ms Merana, just so you know how bad it is.
Sigh.
How now?? :(
Ok, Mummy says if I keep brooding on negativity, it'll happen eventually. Nevermind, lets talk cheery stuffs.
You call this pretty??? So Mr Cruise likes his women ultra girly and baby-faced.
Good, now all I have to do is to loose some flab, grow some boobs and keep my hair waist-length so I can perm it like hers.
I don't know what's my obsession with chiselled-faced, brown-haired, intense-looking Americans these days, but at least it keeps me happy. You know, hyperventilating and gasping with orgamsic excitement when I see a particular hot one that I fancy :)
dysphoria came at 8:25 PM
|
Fun Survey!
1. There are 5 rooms. In each room there is one person. You are given 10 minutes alone in each room with each person. Who is in each room and what do you do to/with them (answers can range from bitch-slap to hott sexx).
*In the kitchen, with Ewan McGregor, who'll teach me how to lay my hands on the stove (and on him). I always see English men as excellent cooks, ala Jamie Oliver-except he's a tad too chunky for my liking.
*In the attic is Shawn Yue. We could just lay down and admire the star-strewn sky through the windows. He'll whisper sweet-nothings into my ear, and I'll gaze at him, speechless. A mystery like him is better left unsolved, because that's his greatest charm over me :)
*In the bedroom is Tom Cruise. Nuff said.
*In the bathroom is Zal. Just simply because it's fun brushing teeth, washing our faces together and maybe making a mess in the bathroom. It'll be nice to, erm, fool around with someone like him :)
*In the living room is 52. I want to curl up with him on the couch, and watch some soppy romance like Love Actually. But there's only 10 minutes!! Alright, I'll make him hug me, and then unload all the burden that's in my heart-just so he knows. Then there'll prolly still be some time for his response...and then I might just end up crying uncontrollably, regardless of his response.
2. You have 1 week to yourself. Money is not an issue. School and parents are out of the picture. How do you spend the week?
* Get a Zal to accompany me on a bag-packing trip to Cambodia (wishful thinking I know)!I've been dying to see Angkor Wat and live off the beaten track for once. It's really nice to be immersed in the Thirld World culture and maybe attain Nirvana so I'll stop complaining about how hard my life is.
*Fly straight off to my City of Dreams where I'll :Visit the Met, contemplate at Central Park, shop at Fifth Avenue, watch a sad play at Broadway, attempt to meet journalists from NYT, help out at the Soup's Kitchen, party at Hell's Kitchen, stroll down Madison Square Garden...darling, there's so many things to do, yet so little time!
3. Match a song/band/singer to the following moods: Happy, pissed-off, sexy, depressed, and silly.
*Happy: "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.
*Pissed Off: Eminem. No doubt bout that.
*Sexy: Gwen Stefani: I just love her sexed up voice!!
*Depressed: Travis.Every single song is beatifully tragic.
*Silly: Shaggy, and if you don't already know, I loathe him!
4. You’ve committed a horrible crime and have to go into hiding. What would you do to alter your appearance?
Great! Now I have a chance to look like an improved-Nicole Kidman and thus snag Mr Cruise!
5. Write a 150 word (give or take) story including the following words: pineapple, kitten, leather, and carnation.
The Pineapple was a jovial fruit. Despite it's thorny appearance, it's sweet personality was nowhere near that. It exudes all the positivity in the world-the epitome of happiness. The only thing that held it back from it's dream of spreading joy to the world was that it was rooted to the orchard. It never gave up hope of attaining freedom. One day, the Kitten ambled past the orchard. It was the saddest, most pathetic kitten ever, because it was abandoned. Cruelly deserted, it had a leather belt bound to it's chest that was symbolic of being binded to it's owner forever. Deprived of all hopes, it came across the Pineapple. Oh, how it broke the Pineapple's heart to see the Kitten weeping quiet tears. "Come. What is it that broke your heart this badly my Kitten? I have all the time in the world for you.". And so, began the most incredible friendship that ever existed. Everyday, the Kitten would bring along a single carnation stolen steathily from the florist, just because the Pineapple loves them. Kitten would tell Pineapple about the vibrant, infidel world, while Pineapple would offer it's deep insights. Time passed, and all things good must end. The Pineapple withered eventually, and the Kitten, being all alone in the world, died of incurable heartache. All that remained of this friendship was the fallen, browned petals of the carnations.
1. There are 5 rooms. In each room there is one person. You are given 10 minutes alone in each room with each person. Who is in each room and what do you do to/with them (answers can range from bitch-slap to hott sexx).
*In the kitchen, with Ewan McGregor, who'll teach me how to lay my hands on the stove (and on him). I always see English men as excellent cooks, ala Jamie Oliver-except he's a tad too chunky for my liking.
*In the attic is Shawn Yue. We could just lay down and admire the star-strewn sky through the windows. He'll whisper sweet-nothings into my ear, and I'll gaze at him, speechless. A mystery like him is better left unsolved, because that's his greatest charm over me :)
*In the bedroom is Tom Cruise. Nuff said.
*In the bathroom is Zal. Just simply because it's fun brushing teeth, washing our faces together and maybe making a mess in the bathroom. It'll be nice to, erm, fool around with someone like him :)
*In the living room is 52. I want to curl up with him on the couch, and watch some soppy romance like Love Actually. But there's only 10 minutes!! Alright, I'll make him hug me, and then unload all the burden that's in my heart-just so he knows. Then there'll prolly still be some time for his response...and then I might just end up crying uncontrollably, regardless of his response.
2. You have 1 week to yourself. Money is not an issue. School and parents are out of the picture. How do you spend the week?
* Get a Zal to accompany me on a bag-packing trip to Cambodia (wishful thinking I know)!I've been dying to see Angkor Wat and live off the beaten track for once. It's really nice to be immersed in the Thirld World culture and maybe attain Nirvana so I'll stop complaining about how hard my life is.
*Fly straight off to my City of Dreams where I'll :Visit the Met, contemplate at Central Park, shop at Fifth Avenue, watch a sad play at Broadway, attempt to meet journalists from NYT, help out at the Soup's Kitchen, party at Hell's Kitchen, stroll down Madison Square Garden...darling, there's so many things to do, yet so little time!
3. Match a song/band/singer to the following moods: Happy, pissed-off, sexy, depressed, and silly.
*Happy: "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.
*Pissed Off: Eminem. No doubt bout that.
*Sexy: Gwen Stefani: I just love her sexed up voice!!
*Depressed: Travis.Every single song is beatifully tragic.
*Silly: Shaggy, and if you don't already know, I loathe him!
4. You’ve committed a horrible crime and have to go into hiding. What would you do to alter your appearance?
Great! Now I have a chance to look like an improved-Nicole Kidman and thus snag Mr Cruise!
5. Write a 150 word (give or take) story including the following words: pineapple, kitten, leather, and carnation.
The Pineapple was a jovial fruit. Despite it's thorny appearance, it's sweet personality was nowhere near that. It exudes all the positivity in the world-the epitome of happiness. The only thing that held it back from it's dream of spreading joy to the world was that it was rooted to the orchard. It never gave up hope of attaining freedom. One day, the Kitten ambled past the orchard. It was the saddest, most pathetic kitten ever, because it was abandoned. Cruelly deserted, it had a leather belt bound to it's chest that was symbolic of being binded to it's owner forever. Deprived of all hopes, it came across the Pineapple. Oh, how it broke the Pineapple's heart to see the Kitten weeping quiet tears. "Come. What is it that broke your heart this badly my Kitten? I have all the time in the world for you.". And so, began the most incredible friendship that ever existed. Everyday, the Kitten would bring along a single carnation stolen steathily from the florist, just because the Pineapple loves them. Kitten would tell Pineapple about the vibrant, infidel world, while Pineapple would offer it's deep insights. Time passed, and all things good must end. The Pineapple withered eventually, and the Kitten, being all alone in the world, died of incurable heartache. All that remained of this friendship was the fallen, browned petals of the carnations.
dysphoria came at 12:03 AM
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Food For My Soul.
The only reasons why I attended our band's Etude Concert this year, was because Jo was playing and that I needed to hear "All I Ask Of You" from POTO again.
It was perhaps one of the happiest nights I spent with people of NJ, besides that fateful Halloween evening. The music was almost excellent-which justifies their Gold with Honours very well. :) I think my dying heart was actually revived a lil, because besides intense emotions, music is wonderful food for my soul.
The only flaw was when there was a cackling, Chinese Opera-ish woman's voice emitting from the speakers throughout the POTO song. That was real unnerving, especially for the group of us who sat right in front of the speakers.
Nan: Is that..you-know-what?
Vee: I think it's the phantom of VCH!
Nan: Ya, a ghost.
Vee: I'm very scared. How?
Nan: Nevermind, just listen to them play.
Vee: Ok, lets look at QY. He's very radiant tonight!
Nan: *rolls eyes*
Bananas minus 1: Vic, Jo, Xiu and Nan. Look how haggard and dishevelled I was! But it's alright, because that explains how hyped up and excited I was surrounded by the wonderful music! Jo's the star here, looking damn fine and radiant. Heh. Her bit solo in Chicago's "All That Jazz" with her SAXXXXY SAXOPHONE was fantabulous! Love you Jo!
(From left): Vic, Sheng, Xiu, QY and Nan. This is my favourite pic of that night! That's because QY looks really handsome (yes I know he/his friends may be reading this-but I don't care.)! This guy has a huge fan club right in NJ itself, which prolly explains how well he plays the trumpet :) He was darn charming , spesh when he played that bit solo in "Think of Me". Vast difference from the everyday slacker I see in class. Guys with lanky 6ft frames really look dashing in suits eh?
The only reasons why I attended our band's Etude Concert this year, was because Jo was playing and that I needed to hear "All I Ask Of You" from POTO again.
It was perhaps one of the happiest nights I spent with people of NJ, besides that fateful Halloween evening. The music was almost excellent-which justifies their Gold with Honours very well. :) I think my dying heart was actually revived a lil, because besides intense emotions, music is wonderful food for my soul.
The only flaw was when there was a cackling, Chinese Opera-ish woman's voice emitting from the speakers throughout the POTO song. That was real unnerving, especially for the group of us who sat right in front of the speakers.
Nan: Is that..you-know-what?
Vee: I think it's the phantom of VCH!
Nan: Ya, a ghost.
Vee: I'm very scared. How?
Nan: Nevermind, just listen to them play.
Vee: Ok, lets look at QY. He's very radiant tonight!
Nan: *rolls eyes*
2.jpg)
Bananas minus 1: Vic, Jo, Xiu and Nan. Look how haggard and dishevelled I was! But it's alright, because that explains how hyped up and excited I was surrounded by the wonderful music! Jo's the star here, looking damn fine and radiant. Heh. Her bit solo in Chicago's "All That Jazz" with her SAXXXXY SAXOPHONE was fantabulous! Love you Jo!.jpg)
(From left): Vic, Sheng, Xiu, QY and Nan. This is my favourite pic of that night! That's because QY looks really handsome (yes I know he/his friends may be reading this-but I don't care.)! This guy has a huge fan club right in NJ itself, which prolly explains how well he plays the trumpet :) He was darn charming , spesh when he played that bit solo in "Think of Me". Vast difference from the everyday slacker I see in class. Guys with lanky 6ft frames really look dashing in suits eh?
Mich and QY. This is the masterpiece of Sheng's, Xiu's, Nan's and mine cooperation. We actually put in a lot of effort and patience just so that this two could be properly introduced and take a picture together. It's SO SWEET don't you think? Heh heh.
I should have, really should have taken a photo with Barry (who played in the alumni band). But my guts failed me, and I know those silly friends of mine wouldnt have helped me either-because it was plain awkward. Bah! But thank god for the very blurred one Eu took for us at the Woodlands Lib eons ago (to our complete ignorance of course). Haha.
That was a really happy night, so exhilarating, I still smile when I think of all the silly things we did :)
dysphoria came at 3:29 PM
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Dammit! I planned a lengthy entry filled with the happiest anecdotes ever, then I realised I cannot post pictures!
There's something wrong with this Blogger Images, and I don't wish to use Hello. Been trial-and-erroring for the past 2 hours (I know, I know. I'm incredibly dense when it comes to frigging html.).
Forget it. We'll try again another day. Me and my beloved blog-we'll strive hand-in-hand for self-improvement.
And by the way, thank you so much Hui and Boon. I love impromptu dates planned at the very last second. I miss bonding with you guys SO MUCH. The Subway lunch was heavenly, the girl-talk was nothing but fun, the laughing was the most covetted. We're going on very strong, though there isn't much opportunities to chat anymore. I love you two, it really made this dreadful day a tad brighter. You know, I always regarded dates spent at bookshops as the most meaningful ones. Today, the 3 of us spent 2 jolly hours immersing ourselves in Chinese picture books. Imagine the one who hasn't read a complete Chinese compre passage since Sec1 digesting 4 mini Chinese books in a breath! I never knew they could be so darn touching and meaningful.
" You told me to be good and finish my studies.
You told me to forget the times we had.
You told me to let you go.
You told me we're mere figures of the past.
You said Goodbye.
But I can no longer return to whom I used to be.
People change, and you changed me.
I can't forget,
I can't let you go,
I can't ever let us be in the past tense.
I can never return you your Goodbye.
So that's what my life will ever be about."
It's a sub-standard transalation, but I could so relate to the passage! It's so beautiful and sad, I just might be tempted to buy my first ever Chinese Book in 5 years (:
There's something wrong with this Blogger Images, and I don't wish to use Hello. Been trial-and-erroring for the past 2 hours (I know, I know. I'm incredibly dense when it comes to frigging html.).
Forget it. We'll try again another day. Me and my beloved blog-we'll strive hand-in-hand for self-improvement.
And by the way, thank you so much Hui and Boon. I love impromptu dates planned at the very last second. I miss bonding with you guys SO MUCH. The Subway lunch was heavenly, the girl-talk was nothing but fun, the laughing was the most covetted. We're going on very strong, though there isn't much opportunities to chat anymore. I love you two, it really made this dreadful day a tad brighter. You know, I always regarded dates spent at bookshops as the most meaningful ones. Today, the 3 of us spent 2 jolly hours immersing ourselves in Chinese picture books. Imagine the one who hasn't read a complete Chinese compre passage since Sec1 digesting 4 mini Chinese books in a breath! I never knew they could be so darn touching and meaningful.
" You told me to be good and finish my studies.
You told me to forget the times we had.
You told me to let you go.
You told me we're mere figures of the past.
You said Goodbye.
But I can no longer return to whom I used to be.
People change, and you changed me.
I can't forget,
I can't let you go,
I can't ever let us be in the past tense.
I can never return you your Goodbye.
So that's what my life will ever be about."
It's a sub-standard transalation, but I could so relate to the passage! It's so beautiful and sad, I just might be tempted to buy my first ever Chinese Book in 5 years (:
dysphoria came at 7:10 PM
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"I'll Be There For You"
-Bon Jovi.
What does it mean when you've listening to the same ol' heartbreakingly tragic Rock song for the past 5 days?
It means you're terribly lovesick and your obession with misery has reached a new high.
Congrats, because Life is especially sweet to you in this aspect. It always dishes out new reasons to be unhappy-so there, you have your wishes granted.
Are you satisfied now, you wretched worthless mess??
-Bon Jovi.
What does it mean when you've listening to the same ol' heartbreakingly tragic Rock song for the past 5 days?
It means you're terribly lovesick and your obession with misery has reached a new high.
Congrats, because Life is especially sweet to you in this aspect. It always dishes out new reasons to be unhappy-so there, you have your wishes granted.
Are you satisfied now, you wretched worthless mess??
dysphoria came at 12:51 AM
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NY, My Heart Aches For You.
I'm so sorry for London winning it. There was nothing I could do to help, was there? You're never one of the hot contenders, though I like you just so-because you'll no longer be MY City of Dreams when you become a commodity.
I thought you could use the revenue to develop the poorer districts. That was a very worthy cause. For my own selfish reasons, I hope you win too-because then you'll be a safer place to live in, and I could finally convince Mum you're the BEST for me.
But no, that's not the way fate works for me.
Today, there was the dumbest emergency drill in school.
Sheng: Ah! The monster is coming!
Vee: Hahahahahahaha!
Eu: Yah! And the monster just made the announcement!
Vee: I hope it's a real fire.
Vee: It'll raze the school down. Or even better, burn all our CT scripts.
I guess this shows how much we despise this hell of a dump.
I'm blogging too- you know what it means. Sigh.
I'm so sorry for London winning it. There was nothing I could do to help, was there? You're never one of the hot contenders, though I like you just so-because you'll no longer be MY City of Dreams when you become a commodity.
I thought you could use the revenue to develop the poorer districts. That was a very worthy cause. For my own selfish reasons, I hope you win too-because then you'll be a safer place to live in, and I could finally convince Mum you're the BEST for me.
But no, that's not the way fate works for me.
Today, there was the dumbest emergency drill in school.
Sheng: Ah! The monster is coming!
Vee: Hahahahahahaha!
Eu: Yah! And the monster just made the announcement!
Vee: I hope it's a real fire.
Vee: It'll raze the school down. Or even better, burn all our CT scripts.
I guess this shows how much we despise this hell of a dump.
I'm blogging too- you know what it means. Sigh.
dysphoria came at 11:01 PM
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Fan-Girl.
Do I devote my heart or my soul to you? I don't know which is more worthy.
Very happy day. I miss this feeling where the heart balloons with so many emotions, it could burst with contentment. I miss feeling so light, relieved of all shackles this Hell binded on me. I miss telling those unfunny jokes and laughing hysterically at them myself. I miss being this combustible and very talkative. I miss feeling my heart skip a beat when I see something very good *wink, wink*.This will not last I know, so I'll try not to ruin the wonderful hours before the next school day starts by blogging.
Updates soon. Real soon if I'm depressed, meaning bad news for CTs...but please pray otherwise for me?
Do I devote my heart or my soul to you? I don't know which is more worthy.
Very happy day. I miss this feeling where the heart balloons with so many emotions, it could burst with contentment. I miss feeling so light, relieved of all shackles this Hell binded on me. I miss telling those unfunny jokes and laughing hysterically at them myself. I miss being this combustible and very talkative. I miss feeling my heart skip a beat when I see something very good *wink, wink*.This will not last I know, so I'll try not to ruin the wonderful hours before the next school day starts by blogging.
Updates soon. Real soon if I'm depressed, meaning bad news for CTs...but please pray otherwise for me?
dysphoria came at 12:39 AM
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I'm barely an inch from Hysteria.
You can feel it when it seizes you. You chest contracts involuntarily, you gasp for air futiley, your hands tremble like you've gone cold turkey, your eyes brim with tears...
One of these days, when Depression develops majestically into Hysteria, I shall totally lose it. I need someone to talk to, but even if I found that person, it is out of my ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I have these damn issues with talking about myself.
I thought of you. You were my break from this painful routine I've unknowingly subjected myself to-until you got mad at me. Now I don't know how to clarify matters because I don't want you to have the wrong idea. We'll just have to leave it like that don't we? So that's how beautiful friendships are lost. The same goes to other friends I loved talking too. It's funny with guys sometimes, friendship would inevitably evolve into something with more unease and awkwardness, something against my wishes. I've always made my stand clear in the first place, besides, everyone else knows....but guys will be guys. One day I'll have no more soulmates to pour my heart out to.
I'm so scared really. Of what's gonna happen this week. They keep telling me it's no big deal, but you know me! When it comes to academia, with everything beyond my hands, I worry and panic over the slightest imperfection. Now when I've become worse than a failure in NJ, you'd understand my turmoil.
I....really dread school. I dread life even. How? How will I ever survive if I stay here any longer?
Can anyone just hug me, lend me your shoulder to cry over and then reassure me that everything will work itself out eventually? Because sadness is a lonely ailment, and I'm so afraid of solitude. I need affection, I need companionship- to chase all the fears and worries away.
Friends, be there for me please?
I'm actually begging for friendship. Is this the peak of my depression??
I'm a frigging failure in life even. Heh.
You can feel it when it seizes you. You chest contracts involuntarily, you gasp for air futiley, your hands tremble like you've gone cold turkey, your eyes brim with tears...
One of these days, when Depression develops majestically into Hysteria, I shall totally lose it. I need someone to talk to, but even if I found that person, it is out of my ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I have these damn issues with talking about myself.
I thought of you. You were my break from this painful routine I've unknowingly subjected myself to-until you got mad at me. Now I don't know how to clarify matters because I don't want you to have the wrong idea. We'll just have to leave it like that don't we? So that's how beautiful friendships are lost. The same goes to other friends I loved talking too. It's funny with guys sometimes, friendship would inevitably evolve into something with more unease and awkwardness, something against my wishes. I've always made my stand clear in the first place, besides, everyone else knows....but guys will be guys. One day I'll have no more soulmates to pour my heart out to.
I'm so scared really. Of what's gonna happen this week. They keep telling me it's no big deal, but you know me! When it comes to academia, with everything beyond my hands, I worry and panic over the slightest imperfection. Now when I've become worse than a failure in NJ, you'd understand my turmoil.
I....really dread school. I dread life even. How? How will I ever survive if I stay here any longer?
Can anyone just hug me, lend me your shoulder to cry over and then reassure me that everything will work itself out eventually? Because sadness is a lonely ailment, and I'm so afraid of solitude. I need affection, I need companionship- to chase all the fears and worries away.
Friends, be there for me please?
I'm actually begging for friendship. Is this the peak of my depression??
I'm a frigging failure in life even. Heh.
dysphoria came at 8:23 PM
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My Mist.
"well dont frown my beautiful readers, im still around and soon to be back on my ground. wait a little for me, il show you my new journey =)"
Ha! Today I received the most indirect compliment from him :) But at least I get one, and he sounds so happy, I'm gratified.
Now if only you'd let me on your new journey with you boy. Kindred spirits are bound to be perfect companions for each other...
Today, he said my name twice! Through the most indirect way of course, but god help me, it actually sounded very nice coming out of his lips. Didn't I tell you I like his radiant smile?
I can't help blogging about these inconsequential stuffs. I need to search high and low for sources of happiness now that school has started, and I've contracted the Heavy Heart Syndrome.
School should never be this tragic and fearful. I've always blamed NJ for being the cause of my worries, but now I think, maybe it's a 2-way relationship. I'm my school's adversary too. Have to be, considering how I'd flunk my tests and exams repeatedly.
Very terrified and depressed. We'll see what life has in store for me next.
"well dont frown my beautiful readers, im still around and soon to be back on my ground. wait a little for me, il show you my new journey =)"
Ha! Today I received the most indirect compliment from him :) But at least I get one, and he sounds so happy, I'm gratified.
Now if only you'd let me on your new journey with you boy. Kindred spirits are bound to be perfect companions for each other...
Today, he said my name twice! Through the most indirect way of course, but god help me, it actually sounded very nice coming out of his lips. Didn't I tell you I like his radiant smile?
I can't help blogging about these inconsequential stuffs. I need to search high and low for sources of happiness now that school has started, and I've contracted the Heavy Heart Syndrome.
School should never be this tragic and fearful. I've always blamed NJ for being the cause of my worries, but now I think, maybe it's a 2-way relationship. I'm my school's adversary too. Have to be, considering how I'd flunk my tests and exams repeatedly.
Very terrified and depressed. We'll see what life has in store for me next.
dysphoria came at 6:04 PM
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Tom, Forget Katie.
She's still too tall for you. I'm standing at a comfortable, very cuddly height of 5ft6. If you're intent on being a cradle-snatcher, take me, take me!
Lol.
Was never one for the action/thriller/sci-fi genre (save for StarWars), but War of the Worlds made me a convert. My god! How could a 40 year old shorty exude so much intensity, passion, reliabilty and charisma?? I like reluctant, ordinary heroes who happen to be great fathers as well. I like brown-haired Americans with chiselled features and intense gazes. I like dark, mysterious and brooding.
Throughout the movie, I was actually gasping and clutching onto my bag for my dear life. It was THAT scary and exciting. Imagine how dreadfully I'd cry if those Tripods took dear Tom away....But his acting was so fabulous, he held his own against all that amazing special F/X. The plot is rather lousy, but you should know I've nothing to complain about :) For every little victory he had against the aliens, my heart skipped a happy beat. For every near-death encounter, I gasped in fear.
I guess I'm a Tom Cruise convert now as well :))
I've watched a ridiculous number of movies this weekend, and have been in town everyday since Thursday. They say happy moments speed by and disappear, but I really want mine to last.
They will.
And I'll leave for New York eventually. :)))
She's still too tall for you. I'm standing at a comfortable, very cuddly height of 5ft6. If you're intent on being a cradle-snatcher, take me, take me!
Lol.
Was never one for the action/thriller/sci-fi genre (save for StarWars), but War of the Worlds made me a convert. My god! How could a 40 year old shorty exude so much intensity, passion, reliabilty and charisma?? I like reluctant, ordinary heroes who happen to be great fathers as well. I like brown-haired Americans with chiselled features and intense gazes. I like dark, mysterious and brooding.
Throughout the movie, I was actually gasping and clutching onto my bag for my dear life. It was THAT scary and exciting. Imagine how dreadfully I'd cry if those Tripods took dear Tom away....But his acting was so fabulous, he held his own against all that amazing special F/X. The plot is rather lousy, but you should know I've nothing to complain about :) For every little victory he had against the aliens, my heart skipped a happy beat. For every near-death encounter, I gasped in fear.
I guess I'm a Tom Cruise convert now as well :))
I've watched a ridiculous number of movies this weekend, and have been in town everyday since Thursday. They say happy moments speed by and disappear, but I really want mine to last.
They will.
And I'll leave for New York eventually. :)))
dysphoria came at 8:17 PM
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Today's Horoscope.
"And while you might ordinarily be able to distract yourself until you can find a practical way to get where you want to go, you won't be willing to waste a moment now. So don't. Cut to the chase. Announce to one and all that you've got someplace to be, and get yourself there. It's time for the next leg in your journey."
GET YOURSELF THERE YOU HEAR ME? YOU SILLY, LAZY VIC. START PACKING YOUR SUITCASES AND DOING THE PAPERWORK! IT'LL TAKE EONS IF PERMANENT RESIDENCE IS WHAT YOU WANT.
GET GOING! GET GOING! YOU CAN IF YOU WANT IT!
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
-Paul Coelho.
Dear Almighty Universe, I want it. Really really really want it. And I need someone to dedicate "I'll Be There For You" to me, and mean every single word of it. But if your powers are limited, then grant me New York. I like to think I can do quite well without love for now.
"And while you might ordinarily be able to distract yourself until you can find a practical way to get where you want to go, you won't be willing to waste a moment now. So don't. Cut to the chase. Announce to one and all that you've got someplace to be, and get yourself there. It's time for the next leg in your journey."
GET YOURSELF THERE YOU HEAR ME? YOU SILLY, LAZY VIC. START PACKING YOUR SUITCASES AND DOING THE PAPERWORK! IT'LL TAKE EONS IF PERMANENT RESIDENCE IS WHAT YOU WANT.
GET GOING! GET GOING! YOU CAN IF YOU WANT IT!
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
-Paul Coelho.
Dear Almighty Universe, I want it. Really really really want it. And I need someone to dedicate "I'll Be There For You" to me, and mean every single word of it. But if your powers are limited, then grant me New York. I like to think I can do quite well without love for now.
dysphoria came at 10:55 AM
|
A Lot Like Love.
I wonder how a soppy, cliched, conventional movie could reach out to the hardened, old cynic. How it turned her heart inside out, tugged on all remnants of her heartstrings and crashed the dam of bittersweet tears.
Actually, I do know why I cried buckets over another happy movie.
Because they met and first fell in love in New York, where everything happens.
Because he is a 6ft brown-haired darling who goofs around like 52 would.
Because their love is spontaneous and very combustible-where every date is an unanticipated adventure.
Because love shouldnt be inexpensive. Ideal dates need not happen in fancy posh French restaurants (I'd love that occasionally of course), but during long drives to deserts and posing in the buff.
5 hours on, and I'm still in a daze. Very sweet movie. Very emotionally-charged :)
Vee: Oh Rose, I can barely speak. It's just so overwhelming.
Rose: I know. It's happening to me too.
Vee: I need to go to New York. I want it so badly..
Rose: If it happens, it happens lah. Don't think so much.
Vee: Am I so stupid? To cling onto a guy who doesnt even know my affections for him?
Rose: *sigh*
Vee: Why can't this stupid heart move on?
Vee: Maybe I can really start anew in New York. Find a brown-haired darling to love, kickstart a fantastic career, walk down the aisle in Central Park, and have my kids raised in a happy environment.
*silence as we both sank into deep contemplation*
I think New York, Love, and Life should be permanently entwined. I cannot enjoy one without the others.
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you.
When you breathe I want to be the air for you.
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you,
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you
Who'll be there for me in times like this then?
I wonder how a soppy, cliched, conventional movie could reach out to the hardened, old cynic. How it turned her heart inside out, tugged on all remnants of her heartstrings and crashed the dam of bittersweet tears.
Actually, I do know why I cried buckets over another happy movie.
Because they met and first fell in love in New York, where everything happens.
Because he is a 6ft brown-haired darling who goofs around like 52 would.
Because their love is spontaneous and very combustible-where every date is an unanticipated adventure.
Because love shouldnt be inexpensive. Ideal dates need not happen in fancy posh French restaurants (I'd love that occasionally of course), but during long drives to deserts and posing in the buff.
5 hours on, and I'm still in a daze. Very sweet movie. Very emotionally-charged :)
Vee: Oh Rose, I can barely speak. It's just so overwhelming.
Rose: I know. It's happening to me too.
Vee: I need to go to New York. I want it so badly..
Rose: If it happens, it happens lah. Don't think so much.
Vee: Am I so stupid? To cling onto a guy who doesnt even know my affections for him?
Rose: *sigh*
Vee: Why can't this stupid heart move on?
Vee: Maybe I can really start anew in New York. Find a brown-haired darling to love, kickstart a fantastic career, walk down the aisle in Central Park, and have my kids raised in a happy environment.
*silence as we both sank into deep contemplation*
I think New York, Love, and Life should be permanently entwined. I cannot enjoy one without the others.
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you.
When you breathe I want to be the air for you.
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you,
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you
Who'll be there for me in times like this then?
dysphoria came at 9:40 PM
|
Thank you. Really.
Regarding my hatred with this Hell:
"...Life always leaves us with 2 choices: complain about life or accept it for the moment. Choose the latter."
Regarding my fears of having Sadness as my lifelong companion:
" Definitely not you. You will lead a good life. If life isn't good then you will make it good. Don't know if I can say it all but most things are matters of perspective only."
Thank you for having such faith in my screwed life when I don't even dare hope for improvement in such dire circumstances. Thank you for thinking that even people like me is worthy of goodness. Thank you for believing in me, and allowing me into the warmth of humanity again.
Thank you for this friendship.
If you ever read this, you're a great person, and an extraordinary friend..despite what you always think you are :)
Regarding my hatred with this Hell:
"...Life always leaves us with 2 choices: complain about life or accept it for the moment. Choose the latter."
Regarding my fears of having Sadness as my lifelong companion:
" Definitely not you. You will lead a good life. If life isn't good then you will make it good. Don't know if I can say it all but most things are matters of perspective only."
Thank you for having such faith in my screwed life when I don't even dare hope for improvement in such dire circumstances. Thank you for thinking that even people like me is worthy of goodness. Thank you for believing in me, and allowing me into the warmth of humanity again.
Thank you for this friendship.
If you ever read this, you're a great person, and an extraordinary friend..despite what you always think you are :)
dysphoria came at 1:17 AM
|
He's funny lah!
]]AuReOL3[[ The Best Things in life are not free!!! says:
what time you go to blackchina? what time you usually go back?
ROFL!
Blackchina! The day Chinese become Blacks will be the day I die laughing from memory.
But I can't deny he was very nice. Comforting me when I was practically kissing hysteria on the lips. Making me laugh during horrid moodswings. Being there with me the night before Chem, when I was on the verge of performing self-lobotomy.
]]AuReOL3[[ The Best Things in life are not free!!! says:
if you are happy then I am happy too..
Very sweet :)
But please do not think too much. I tend to over-emote and over-sensationalise a lil :)
]]AuReOL3[[ The Best Things in life are not free!!! says:
what time you go to blackchina? what time you usually go back?
ROFL!
Blackchina! The day Chinese become Blacks will be the day I die laughing from memory.
But I can't deny he was very nice. Comforting me when I was practically kissing hysteria on the lips. Making me laugh during horrid moodswings. Being there with me the night before Chem, when I was on the verge of performing self-lobotomy.
]]AuReOL3[[ The Best Things in life are not free!!! says:
if you are happy then I am happy too..
Very sweet :)
But please do not think too much. I tend to over-emote and over-sensationalise a lil :)
dysphoria came at 10:42 PM
|
Events at Random.
Blazing flushes
I always loved fevers. It makes me burn with passion, because I'd long for activity and novelty to occupy my empty mind. It makes me delirous, almost on cloud nine. It makes me dream sweet dreams of a love that's never meant to be. It makes me not care about all things serious, and to focus on minute, inconsequential details that no one gives a damn about. And thus, I'd feel like I'm the giraffe out of a million sheep(which I seldom get to experience)
And Saturday Night Fevers simply rock! (think tequila shots, plus hot, sizzling temperatures!)
Mr Goh is NYCE!
No, don't misunderstand me. It's just that no one can imagine how comforting and mildly assuring it was to see him today, at my peak of anxiety and nausea. I swear I could have vomitted my heart out right outside the classroom, but when he appeared and smiled- it was almost like everything will work itself out. So you see, I love familiarity. And nostalgia.
My whole life revolves around companionship, dependence on those close to heart, and familiarity. I guess I can never get used to leaving for the vast unknown, where I'll bound to be cold and lonely for most of my waking hours, due to this almost anti-social nature. But sometimes the stubborn nature compels me to think otherwise. Perhaps that's what dreams are for- to occupy time, stretch our imaginations, enhance our creativity, and to make us happy. Practicality is one thing that should never be associated with them.
Shawn's muse
Midway through the very fantastic Initial-D, Sheryl was saying, "You so look like Jay's girlfriend!".
Please imagine me trembling very violently with suppressed laughter.
Vee: EEEEEE! Her bf is Jay, I don't wanna be like her! And besides she's not pretty.
Sher: But you really look like her leh.
Vee: I don't want! Hmm..how about being Shawn's muse? Would we be compatible?
Sher: Errr...you ji hui lah (there's a chance).
Vee: He's so HAWT! We'd have gorgeous kids.
*man beside turns to glare at me*
Vee: *in hushed tones, just to irritate that man* He's so hot. He's so hot...
Simply talking about Shawn makes me a very happy girl. So you'd know what to do to cheer me up next time :)
The Unspeakbles
I wanna drop Econs, if it's still possible.
I'm very disheartened, dispirited-and the likes.
Sigh. Actually it's all been me. There's zero stress from the parents, no siblings to be compared to, no high expectations from elder family members. What on earth was I thinking or even wishing for?
I've always been happy with my decisions, save for the exception of choosing this Hell I call school. I like to think I'll be happy with this one.
Dancing fingers
I covet the sound of my fingers tapping rapidly against the keyboard and seeing the words appear miraculously as they progress. Am thus heavily addicted to blogging.
Lets ROLL in the mud
Nobody beats the Beatles or Beachboys. Or Travis. Or Tori Amos. Or GreenDay (Billy Joe is hot! But too short..)Or even Guns N Roses for that matter. I'd say there've been a drastic change in my taste, almost in every aspect. The most obvious would be this transition from RnB to Rock of course.
I like my men mature, older, philosophical, preferably with stable finances now. Not boyish, athletic Greek Gods I used to cry heaven and earth for.
I like brown and black and purple when it used to be pink-everything! Actually it disgusts me just to think how obsessed I was with such a feminine, delicate colour. Urgh.
Over this one year or so in The Hell, I've changed more than I ever could in life.
The Momster
Mom: You're still very short leh. Can't you grow anymore?
Vee: I'm happy with my height. This is what you call "average height".
Mom: No lah.
Vee: Why should I be taller? Singaporean men are so short, I won't look good if I'm 5ft8 and dating a guy of the same height. At least I'm able to wear 3inchers now.
Vee: But it'll be different if I'm living somewhere else.
Mom: This is not related at all!
Vee: It is! It's my life!
Mom: Why are your pillows and bolsters on the floor again?
Vee: Very stressed lor. Maybe not sleeping well.
[Maybe I'm actually abusing them in my sleep! So that's the irritating person I've been punching all these night. Heh.]
Mom: You're stressed for what? CTs only mah..not exams. And it's ok even if you cant make it to Uni. I never asked you too.
Vee: But what if I could be happier in some other Uni?
Mom: How come you're always sick one. Aiyah.
Vee: Not happy, how to be healthy? Can't sleep well, can't eat well..always worrying..
Mom: *cuts in* Please lah, not this again!
Vee: How not to? It's a destiny, and I can never stop harping on it until I fulfil it.
I think I've been terribly exasperating and stubborn in her eyes. But you can't blame me, can you?
Swan Song
This is where I end. Because my temperature has began its steady march northward again and besides dancing fingers, I think I've contracted Skipping Brain Disease :)
Ok, I'm considerably more cheerful now. It's weird to be only happy when I'm sick..but I shan't complain. Tra-lala!
Blazing flushes
I always loved fevers. It makes me burn with passion, because I'd long for activity and novelty to occupy my empty mind. It makes me delirous, almost on cloud nine. It makes me dream sweet dreams of a love that's never meant to be. It makes me not care about all things serious, and to focus on minute, inconsequential details that no one gives a damn about. And thus, I'd feel like I'm the giraffe out of a million sheep(which I seldom get to experience)
And Saturday Night Fevers simply rock! (think tequila shots, plus hot, sizzling temperatures!)
Mr Goh is NYCE!
No, don't misunderstand me. It's just that no one can imagine how comforting and mildly assuring it was to see him today, at my peak of anxiety and nausea. I swear I could have vomitted my heart out right outside the classroom, but when he appeared and smiled- it was almost like everything will work itself out. So you see, I love familiarity. And nostalgia.
My whole life revolves around companionship, dependence on those close to heart, and familiarity. I guess I can never get used to leaving for the vast unknown, where I'll bound to be cold and lonely for most of my waking hours, due to this almost anti-social nature. But sometimes the stubborn nature compels me to think otherwise. Perhaps that's what dreams are for- to occupy time, stretch our imaginations, enhance our creativity, and to make us happy. Practicality is one thing that should never be associated with them.
Shawn's muse
Midway through the very fantastic Initial-D, Sheryl was saying, "You so look like Jay's girlfriend!".
Please imagine me trembling very violently with suppressed laughter.
Vee: EEEEEE! Her bf is Jay, I don't wanna be like her! And besides she's not pretty.
Sher: But you really look like her leh.
Vee: I don't want! Hmm..how about being Shawn's muse? Would we be compatible?
Sher: Errr...you ji hui lah (there's a chance).
Vee: He's so HAWT! We'd have gorgeous kids.
*man beside turns to glare at me*
Vee: *in hushed tones, just to irritate that man* He's so hot. He's so hot...
Simply talking about Shawn makes me a very happy girl. So you'd know what to do to cheer me up next time :)
The Unspeakbles
I wanna drop Econs, if it's still possible.
I'm very disheartened, dispirited-and the likes.
Sigh. Actually it's all been me. There's zero stress from the parents, no siblings to be compared to, no high expectations from elder family members. What on earth was I thinking or even wishing for?
I've always been happy with my decisions, save for the exception of choosing this Hell I call school. I like to think I'll be happy with this one.
Dancing fingers
I covet the sound of my fingers tapping rapidly against the keyboard and seeing the words appear miraculously as they progress. Am thus heavily addicted to blogging.
Lets ROLL in the mud
Nobody beats the Beatles or Beachboys. Or Travis. Or Tori Amos. Or GreenDay (Billy Joe is hot! But too short..)Or even Guns N Roses for that matter. I'd say there've been a drastic change in my taste, almost in every aspect. The most obvious would be this transition from RnB to Rock of course.
I like my men mature, older, philosophical, preferably with stable finances now. Not boyish, athletic Greek Gods I used to cry heaven and earth for.
I like brown and black and purple when it used to be pink-everything! Actually it disgusts me just to think how obsessed I was with such a feminine, delicate colour. Urgh.
Over this one year or so in The Hell, I've changed more than I ever could in life.
The Momster
Mom: You're still very short leh. Can't you grow anymore?
Vee: I'm happy with my height. This is what you call "average height".
Mom: No lah.
Vee: Why should I be taller? Singaporean men are so short, I won't look good if I'm 5ft8 and dating a guy of the same height. At least I'm able to wear 3inchers now.
Vee: But it'll be different if I'm living somewhere else.
Mom: This is not related at all!
Vee: It is! It's my life!
Mom: Why are your pillows and bolsters on the floor again?
Vee: Very stressed lor. Maybe not sleeping well.
[Maybe I'm actually abusing them in my sleep! So that's the irritating person I've been punching all these night. Heh.]
Mom: You're stressed for what? CTs only mah..not exams. And it's ok even if you cant make it to Uni. I never asked you too.
Vee: But what if I could be happier in some other Uni?
Mom: How come you're always sick one. Aiyah.
Vee: Not happy, how to be healthy? Can't sleep well, can't eat well..always worrying..
Mom: *cuts in* Please lah, not this again!
Vee: How not to? It's a destiny, and I can never stop harping on it until I fulfil it.
I think I've been terribly exasperating and stubborn in her eyes. But you can't blame me, can you?
Swan Song
This is where I end. Because my temperature has began its steady march northward again and besides dancing fingers, I think I've contracted Skipping Brain Disease :)
Ok, I'm considerably more cheerful now. It's weird to be only happy when I'm sick..but I shan't complain. Tra-lala!
dysphoria came at 6:20 PM
|
Choice-making.
Ok, maybe I suck at it, and the same applies for my time management too.
But this time round, I'm glad for the little sacrifices that bought me happiness.
Like skipping school on the day of my Chem CTs and ending up in town. I finally caught Initial-D, and I tell you, nothing can beat it as a brilliant perk-me-up. I could just marry Shawn from the way he looks on screen! Not boyish Edison, nor unemoting Jay-but the oh so manly and charismatic Shawn! I was simply delirious (maybe not so much from the movie, but from the raging fever and flu-bug), smiling, laughing and splurging on needless togs. Really, I'd rather be sick and shopping than sick and mugging anytime. Even if I collapsed right in the middle of Orchard Road it'll be a happy farewell to Life! :)
Like how I'd rather blog now when Chem paper is less than 3 hrs away. Just because blogging makes me happy, and I'd fail anyway, which is by my own doing I know. You see, there are methods and attitudes that should be adopted to even detrimental aspects of life like failing. Since I'd most likely secure an F anyway, I wanna do it happily. :)
I'm not sure if I'm talking sense. Migraine is back, and runny nose is waving an enthusiastic "Hi" from the depths of my system-but I'd rather blog a sub-standard entry than not blog at all, because blogging alleviates all things bad.
Little sacrifices really constitute to a greater extent of happiness. Maybe I should base my life on this warped theory.
Ok, maybe I suck at it, and the same applies for my time management too.
But this time round, I'm glad for the little sacrifices that bought me happiness.
Like skipping school on the day of my Chem CTs and ending up in town. I finally caught Initial-D, and I tell you, nothing can beat it as a brilliant perk-me-up. I could just marry Shawn from the way he looks on screen! Not boyish Edison, nor unemoting Jay-but the oh so manly and charismatic Shawn! I was simply delirious (maybe not so much from the movie, but from the raging fever and flu-bug), smiling, laughing and splurging on needless togs. Really, I'd rather be sick and shopping than sick and mugging anytime. Even if I collapsed right in the middle of Orchard Road it'll be a happy farewell to Life! :)
Like how I'd rather blog now when Chem paper is less than 3 hrs away. Just because blogging makes me happy, and I'd fail anyway, which is by my own doing I know. You see, there are methods and attitudes that should be adopted to even detrimental aspects of life like failing. Since I'd most likely secure an F anyway, I wanna do it happily. :)
I'm not sure if I'm talking sense. Migraine is back, and runny nose is waving an enthusiastic "Hi" from the depths of my system-but I'd rather blog a sub-standard entry than not blog at all, because blogging alleviates all things bad.
Little sacrifices really constitute to a greater extent of happiness. Maybe I should base my life on this warped theory.
dysphoria came at 10:42 AM
|