I know there were some who has been reading this blog stealthily for quite some time. Until today, I didnt know there were SO many.

And among them, are the people I meet everyday. My so-called friends.

It feels like a betrayal, an intrusion of privacy no? To pry into your friend's heartfelt sentiments about life in discretion, almost behind her back?

Yes, this blog is on the World Wide Web. World Wide. Anyone with an access to the Internet has access to my life as well. Im fine with that really, because they know zilch about Vic in real life, and neither do I about them. All the knowledge they have of her are highly biased. Tiny bits of information they can obtain from this blog, mixed with their very own vivid imagination. They dont know how Vic talks, how she looks like, how awkward her gestures are, how contorted her figure is. They don't know all about her. To them, Vic is another teenage blogger-wannabe who churns out angst-ridden entries. Why should the dirty linen she washes in public matter to them? How should they know about the people she raves over (guys especially), or criticises? They may get the real picture of Vic, or misconceptions may arise-but those don't really matter.

Because I write for myself. This is my true-self.

But friends are different. Man, I dont even wanna elaborate on this. I don't wish for any disillusionment that arose from reading this blog to mar friendship. For instance, what if I was openly criticising Mr A., and you think the description fits you to a T, thus forming delusions that the whole entry was dedicated to you? Then you would create a needless distance between us, and I'd be left wondering naively why we have drifted apart so suddenly. What if you think I'm all about anger and misery and self-inflicted pain, and thus our friendship's pretty much worthless?

I'm just saying, if you're a friend (you should know whether you're one), know that I NEED PRIVACY AND RESPECT. Don't make assumptions based on the rants and whines here, because my almost perverse lust for misery, and writing about it doesnt affect my functioning as a human and the ability to be happy. This is only such a tiny part of me, I'm so much more, as you should already know. So please, I don't want assumptions. I'd love it if you drop a name, that's what you owe me as a friend. (:

Alternatively, you can leave and never return. But I doubt one would do so, because curiosity is a burning desire that consumes all sorts of restrictions.

Respect me. Let me know please if you read this-because anonymous readers are but secret stalkers and spies that hold no meaning in my life. You're much more than that, Im sure. |

It feels like betrayal, msg-ing the 2 at the same time.

One's my personal balloon. I'd grab onto it in times of misery and we'd float off this rut together, into an utopia of our own. Oh, the giddiness and light-headedness that flying makes me feel! I wanna go back to the happy, carefree times of yester years again. I'd smile sheepishly to myself everytime, because joy and a lil wistfulness is really what the Balloon gives me. The other is my anchor. It pulls my burdened heart down with dread, worry, guilt and regret. Yes, it's true that the well-travelled sailor I have as a heart which controls my fleeting emotions should be anchored down to a single one, but-I dont like Anchors. Besides, naive bookish teenage girls like me don't go down well with Anchors. Where's the link between us? Haha. On the other hand, it's easy to visualise me prancing around with my Balloon no? (:



OC was great!!

Oh, and I think Marissa deserves Ryan, not that demure, sweet, and very ShuNu newcomer Lindsay. After all that painful history they had? After all that love Marissa gave? Plus she's so beatiful, with her sadness, battles with alcoholism, anger, dysfuntional life and all....I guess it's true then, that sad girls don't deserve no guys. |

" I wish it was clearer to see
If you are what you're made out to be
But there's no guarantee, if you're you and I'm me
And there never will be, til I can see what you see.

When I know nothing
I never knew that there'd be nothing
And no one to show you the way
I know nothing
When all I do is make it through
To the end of the day "

-Travis, "Know Nothing"-

I want a proper life. One filled with rich emotions, wonderful memories, infinite knowledge and the brilliant colours of other aspects of the so called meaningful life.

There's OC, I did more homeowork tonight then I've done in the past whole week, I get to see the Boy-Boy tomorrow morn, he still cares......man, I should be happy today and hopefully from now on. |

I so detest Fiona Xie.

Sighhhhh.

Dont tempt me to eat already lah. The only reason I dont eat in school is because I pig out on the truckloads of junk at home (like, chocs, chips and ice cream are daily necessities).I do so with or without lunch in school. So wouldnt it be wiser to skip lunch if I can resist it? Plus it doesnt help that Im in NJ, the JC with Best Canteen Food no?

Anaemics are usually frail and weak and skinny. Im all but the latter. Why, oh why? And I thought stress and constant worrying makes people skinnier. .but just look at me. Blah!

Fight Flab Plan for June:

• Less carbos, more fibres.
• 8 clicks everyday, plus 30min of other super vigorous workouts (skipping maybe? Haha. For long and leaner legs)
• Stand up/ pace about when studying, to reduce the dreadful hours spent sitting down.
• Go shopping. Oh! I miss the statisfying ache in the calves and thighs when we walk about too much, too fast. Plus, I have added incentive since GSS is finally here.
• All meals and snacks before 5pm if possible.

Lets see how much I actually adhere to the plan. Haha.

|

Things in the "Pike Fish Market" video that got me bursting out in laughter, thereby ruining my image (or whatever's left of it) in front of the whole LT:

• "master fishcutter"
• "catcher extraordinaire"
• tossing of fish like a basketball, and then mock-dancing with them.
• Naive Vic thinking that the fish while still alive while being tossed, and then exclaiming loudly, "The fish so poor thing! They'll surely die if you throw them like this what!". The worse was that she even clutched her heart and winced in pain for the lifeless carcasses :(
• THE BEAR!!!! <3<3<3>

And there's one thing I learnt from a fishmonger that remained vehemently stuck in my mind:

You have a choice of the attitudes you face your day with. You can be happy, or sad. It's all your choice, and you have it! (:

You know, he survives on 2-hours worth of sleep almost everyday, and could be totally crazy and hyper like I am on days with 10-hours sleep. I think I was blushing with shame then. It was almost as if the video was meant for me alone! How it tells me to be optimistic when I've adopted such an incredibly bleak outlook on life. His words really stirred something in me.

Sigh. We'll see, we'll see.

On the way home I saw him. Him, the great Him that prevents me from late-coming every single day. Him, that I see on the 7am 852 bus every morn on the way to school, and thus will never be late if I was this hopelessly addicted to Him. He, of the ultimate cuteness. I never knew the Him could appear at night, and on non-852 buses! He was the first thing I saw when I boarded the bus, and I think the double-take I did was darn obvious :( But the important thing was that he looked over like every morn, even when Im ugly and haggard after a long day! A great many, many times!!

I like to think that he takes 852 every morning, when he can very well take 3 others buses, for the same reason that I struggle to catch the 7am 852. (:

Oh, and the only AC guys who even wants to look at me are pimple-faced, bespectacled bengs. No trophy/zacharoy lookalikes (by the way, both are very happily attached as my snooping revealed)......my life's one continual joke no? Hoho.

|

For obvious reasons, I'm always "offline" on MSN these days. No one chat-worthy anyway, and besides, I hafta appear to be "mugging".

Today, Fifi came online. This excitable phenomena is as rare as having a tsunami ravaging Singapore (which I'm damn hopeful for-so at least there'll be a valid reason for me to leave). So I came "online", and msg-ed him immediately. My god. I should think he'll be honoured, or at least grateful, because after so many attempts at carrying out a normal online convo at my expense, I still refused to give up. And all this coming from a girl who doesnt even msg her friends voluntarily! But do take a look at our convo, or whatever you'd like to call it:

Vee: Oi!
Fi: halo
Vee: (:
Fi: wat you doing now?
Vee: chatting.
Vee: u leh?


(after an eternity)


*Fi may not reply because he/she appears to be offline*

Really, why do I even bother coming online at all? |

What have I done to rightfully claim my own slice of the Happiness pie?

I've unblocked some very irritating "friends", in hope of some good Karma rolling in. But no, I ignore them at the first "hello".

Then there were some who still cared so much, they make me a damned cannibal.

I've always been horrid at handling these situations. My severely screwed relationships are perfect evidence of my erratic emotions and behaviour when it comes to such matters. Im sorry, really really sorry. Saying "No" is never kind enough, so I choose to ignore. You understand, dont you?

I think I finally understand why 52 ignores me. What goes around, comes around. |

Talk to me softly There's something in your eyes
I see the sorrow. I have empathy, so baby we have all our lives for this. Tell me, and I promise I'll listen.

Don't hang your head in sorrow And please don't cry
It breaks my heart. You mean so much, your sadness tears me apart too.


I know how you feel inside I've been there before
If you will just let me hold you, I'll try to ease the pain.

Somethin's changin' inside you And don't you know
I wanna put you back before you pack your bags and head for self-destruction. Please turn back baby. How could you leave forever and not care about the one who loves you? I want the old you. I need your old self.

Don't you take it so hard now And please don't take it so bad
Because you have me.

Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby

|

The O.C's (that's online crush for the uninitiated) blog is down.

Poor him. He needs ad revenue for hosting, and yet, selfish visitors refuse to help out.

Not the best birthday treat, considering I NEED to visit his blog EVERYDAY too soothe my frayed nerves. It's been merely a day, but I miss him. Now Im left feeling lost and empty.

Come back soon boy!! And I'll have the mood to blog about the very happy events I had.

The mist and mrs kron. |

Yay!!

I like the date. (:

I'll be happy. Because it's the birthday. |

mao: Are you sad lately?
Vee: er.....(ponders for several seconds).
mao: Are you happy?
Vee: No, not really.
mao: why?
Vee: cuz school is so stressful!
*hastily changes subject*

I think that was a lie. It was never entirely because of stress. But if I were to tell him the whole truth, it'll take all afternoon- something so precious that we both cannot sacrifice. Was very close to telling him everything then. But then I held onto my reins. Who am I to load my burden onto someone who isnt really close to me in the first place? And why should he even care?

It was so hard to open up, even though he'll understand because of our almost perverse attraction towards misery, and that he's different from many other guys.

I'd love to talk to him one day.

And then maybe we'd reminsce about the wonderful 1st 3 months, mass dances, cute OGLs and the greatest friendships we had (: |

Star Wars IS romance!


Padme: Are the dreams bothering you?
Padme: I promise you, I wont die during childbirth.
Anakin: No, I promise you.

Anakin: I'd do whatever you ask.
Fugly Sith: Gooooooddd..
Anakin: Just as long as you stop Padme from dying.
Anakin: I cannot live without her.

Anakin: My loyalty lies with the Republic, the Chancellor, and with you.
*hugs Padme*
Anakin: Just wait for me Padme.
*with a lingering, heart-breaking gaze, he disappeared into his star-ship*

Anakin: With my dark powers, I can shield you from anything now.
Anakin: You dont have to fear anymore, Padme.
Padme: Lets leave here. We can raise the baby back in our hometown. It'll be just like before. Please...
Anakin: I'm more powerful than ever now. I can overthrow the Chancellor. We'll create our own Empire, and do whatever we like.
Padme: No Ana..you've changed. What Obi-wan said was true. You're breaking my heart!!
*sobs heart-wrenchingly*
Anakin: Obi-wan betrayed me. Now dont you dare turn your back on me too!
*Obi-wan appears, standing like God-almighty at the entrance of Padme's spaceship.*
Anakin: You lied to me!! You brought Obi-wan to kill me!!
*uses the force to strangle Padme*
*Obi-wan charges forward, and Anakin drops Padme. That was the last you'll ever see her on her feet*

(After Anakin underwent the terribly painful transformation from Sexiest Man Alive to Robot with the Irritating Breathing)
D.V: Padme! Where is she? Is she ok?
Fugly Sith: She died. You killed her during your anger.
D.V: Nooooooooooo!!! *Metal all around begins to buckle. Robots explode in brilliant pyrogenics. Glass breaks, and orange liquid splatters out*

My god. I didnt know why did I have to be that touched and sob like crazy over a Sci-fi flick. It's kinda embarassing when you're the only person in the cinema who's snivelling as discretely as you can. The focus wasnt even on romance, but wars/politics/nice graphics!! :(

Anakin is really really hot. I crave that dark, intense look on a guy. I got too attached to him since Episode II I guess-and everything he did for Padme made me exclaim loudly to Huan, "God, why is he SO SWEET?!". I mean, going against your morals, giving up your livelihood, killing your Boss all just for a dream that might not even be true....you cannot help but to love him.

And Anakin's death was SO PAINFUL TO WATCH! That beautiful face being engulfed in flames and turning out like charred steak! That sexy 6-packs burnt into nothing-ness. Dang, why oh why didnt Lucas cast a less delectable actor??? The worst came when D.V was borne, but despite all the Darkness he represents, the first thing he said was "Padme". He did so much for her to live, but she died because of what he did. Imagine that immense pain he must have felt to kill all that robots in anger. Haha. But it's funny when the robots exploded, with shocked expressions on their faces. And the glasses filled with orange liquid spilling over. Did they actually intend to serve Darth orange juice at his moment of revival?!!! It's darn hilarious!!

The story is so sweet, so touching.

Sorry for raving,and the spoilers. Cannot. Help. Myself.

Note to self: Never watch this episode of Star Wars again. It makes me lost and empty. Stick to the previous one, where Ana was still cute and Padme was Queen Amidala, and "the love was pure". Hoho. |

Somewhere along the way, I began to focus on the minute details of life.

Like living life by the moment.

Like trying to be happy by the minute.

Like trying to smile by the hour.

I've ceased to focus on the bigger picture.








Because I have no bigger picture. |

"I think your writing style is emotional, dramatic. You dare to bare. That's why I like reading your blog. And that guy (my crush) doesnt write as well as you lah."

-Huan-

The darling knows me very well (:

Though I still think he's way up the pedestals of the blogosphere, while Im somewhere between the rut and the dump. Haha. |

Through Huan, I realised what kinda person Im like to my cousin. We've spent all of our childhood together, been through fights (he'd always lose out, being the younger of the duo), punishments (for laughing for no apparent reason, making fun of Grandpa, hurling toys at each others), the good and the bad.

And today, he sees me as...

"Very childish. The whole family thinks so. She pretty meh? Lol. Look like a children. Some girls of her age are very mature, but not her. My grandma always compare her to other people. Haha. But I like being with her. I like her company. She always makes me laugh. Very lazy also. Always ask me to take or do things for her. But I still like her. And now I dunno why she suddenly wants to go NYC again...."

Ah. So I havent been setting a good example all along. I think the "immature" comments are real funny. It's so true, I cannot help laughing from shock. And the part where he likes being with me? I never knew I had a cousin who adores me so much. It's super sweet you know that? Most of the time we're together, he's the one who tickles my funny bone, not the other way round. So it's sorta a darn pleasant surprise he has such fun with me (: Must be something to do with my immaturity and the ability to click well with younger kids ( less maturity doh!) Well, the NYC bit almost made me cry again. Sigh. We'll see about that.

Will love him more. I promise (:


Anon: i dun ask for much. you should have your happiness. all i ask is to have a friend like you.


Vee: you shld marry someone like sharon phua in the future.
mao: eeeeeee
mao: dont want
mao: how about i marry you?
mao: but i think you'll be exasperated to death. haha.

Had too many thought-provoking convos for the night. Shall go rest the burdened mind now... |

For anon.


I dont think you should credit me for you flunking your tests or your so-called blackouts.

Yes, you were nice.

Yes, I appreciate those poems and the blog created in my name.

But we never really had much to say to each other. You were SO FRICKIN QUIET, it was hard to even chat you know that? Im sorry for being uncapable of thinking of appropriate topics so we could carry on with a normal convo. It gets tiring wrecking my brain all the time you know? Chatting with you is almost like blogging. I yak to myself, almost like a raving lunatic.

But you went on to tell everyone of your friends. I think you betrayed my privacy. I think you've successfully embarassed me.

A while ago, I decided to embark on a new path, and unblock all the contacts under my "Irritating" group. Little did I realise you're the King of all things Irritating. I couldnt block you again, lest I go against my principles, so all I can do now, is to be permanently "Away".

"Away" used to be the perfect excuse for ignoring friends Im awkward with. I dont think you deserve that, but still, shouldnt you be honoured to be on par with my friends?



I don't know what it is about you that makes me feel the way I do; no other girl can get to my heart, but you can see through to the depths of my very soul.I care about you more than I ever knew I could care about anyone before. You see, I never thought I could love again, but now I'm so confused. My heart says yes, but my head says no. You wonder why I care about you, but it's simple: when I look into your eyes, I see beyond all the hatred you hold.I see a real person, with real needs, someone who you are afraid to be. But that's okay, because I know the truth and I will wait until the day when you'll break down your walls. Even if it takes many years, I'll be right here, waiting to love you, as I already love you now.

And he still remembers her birthday. The poor innocent boy wishes to ask the fugly old witch out, but he couldnt. She'll rip his heart out and eat it whole. She doesnt reciprocate love. She's no less ruthless than a cannibal. You were right about one thing-the hatred. She morphes into Medusa when her wrath is incurred.

Keep away.

Just keep away please.

All she can say is- Thank you, and Im sorry if I inadvertently became 52 and you, me.

She needs a peace of mind. |

Yesternday night, I stayed up till 2am, all just for him.

And after A LOTTA snooping, I found his Friendster account.

And almost died.

But thank god I didnt, for it'll be the greatest shame for the parents to find me lifeless on top of the keyboard, with the screen flashing large pictures of him.

He's uber cute, uber deep, uber sad, uber philo, uber popular (400 plus girl friends and half of his 200 plus testis are from girls), uber rich, uber mysterious. He's super weird, not your conventional kinda stud (of which is a very apt label for 52)-and I simply dig that.

He's the guy that'll make me feel inadequate. Considering how he's gotten throngs of very pretty girls clamouring for him. 52's one, he's the other.

Dang, maybe I need an image overhaul. Should start going clubbing, make town my fave hangout again, dress American and take many many pretty pictures of myself to impress somebody. Alternatively, I could "overhaul" this blog, and write all things political and philosophical. Of course, it'll be all good writings. Then I'll garner all positive attention, get linked by everyone who's anyone--and there you have it! A "since Im linked to you, lets be friends!" excuse (: [but actually I wouldnt touch politics with a 2feet pole. Not my passion, not my forte. The only thing I love writing about is misery and my life, both which arent mutually exclusive]

I wanna marry him. It was an online crush that turned into an unhealthy obsession, that has since morphed into online-stalking.

He's uber lust-worthy leh. How? |

I read Hui's tag, and I didnt know I was crying until I looked down onto my blotched Econs notes.

I miss her.

I miss Jokers.

I miss the very very meaningful, fulfilling and crazy times we had.

I miss being engulfed by all the love in the world, and never once being in doubt/deciet/suspicion.

Sometimes I just need a hug so I can spill all my worries, and not care about soaking your shoulders with dreadful tears....we used to be close. What happened to us now? It's hard to even talk, as much as I need/love to.

When Lan disappeared from my life for several weeks, I was worried, but I didnt even call her. There was just a measly sms. There was just too many distractions-my own depression, heartaches, studies, future plans...and thus would have allowed it to continued if I didnt see her online today. So is this what we've all become? Perfect strangers? If one of us were to leave, we wont even care?

Yes I know it's outta our hands sometimes. The hurdles life throws at us get so tough, all we wanna do is to think about ourselves. But this is just a phase. Friends-they're for life.

And 52. Sigh. I hate it when my life's all about one person. Like Im a no-life loser who has nothing else better to do but to pine for her crush.

Am I really one?

I love 52, I love Jokers and many many other friends I think I've lost since NJ stole my life. Will they come back to me? Ever again?

Edit:

With a random click of the mouse, "That Thing You Do" became the theme song of my life again. Damn. I wonder why Providence is so kind to remind me of mass dance now. Dang! My stupid fingers, my stupid MediaPlayer, my stupid mp3s. The fresh flow of tears-it's the only warmth in my life.

If I close my eyes, I can almost see us in those happy days again...

Cause we'll be happy cant you see?
If you'll only let me be the one to hold you
And keep you here with me.

|

He taught me that simplicity is happiness.

He taught me to divide people into 2 classes: the happy, and the sad. It may seem juvenile/over-simplified, but I believe to both of us, it matters a whole lot.

Because we need happy other halves.

I hope 52's a happy man. And I hope Boy, you see me with different eyes-because Im really a sad girl. Aint the one for ya. |

" There's always one person who has to make that first step, to lay everything on the line. It's one person who has to be the first to go for a kiss, the first to say, "I love you", without knowing what the other person will say in return. It makes it easier, of course, if one can understand or accept the fact that there are risks involved in any sort of relationship, that not everything will go the "right" way. But that's what life is about. That's what love is about. Nothing is worth it if you don't put yourself out there.

Tears are a small price to pay for a chance at happiness. "

Must learn to keep that in mind.

Though sometimes, actions are harder than words. |

Dear 52,

The past haunts. And I didnt know my past was 100% you, until yesterday.

I know, when I look back and reminisce about JC, all those memories would revolve around you. That's because all my actions, my thoughts, my behaviour were crafted for more of you.

I was a junkie of you, and still am.

Yesterday was indeed my Judgement Day. Verdict?

You'll have one ardent, crazy little fan who's behind you always.

But Im not crying buckets over you anymore. Perhaps time does heal all wounds, but it doesnt eradicate all the emotional trauma and memories. More than often, I'd think of you, and there's this horrible wrench, the tears would threaten to overflow.....but that's it! Really, it doesnt seem like an improvement, but it really is.

At least I've learnt that love isnt about seeing you all the time. I'm still capable of loving with an equal magnitude, even after months of absence. So the heart is all about Shaun all these while.

Maybe when the sad love becomes a happy one, something good will happen.

Maybe when depressed, angsty Vic becomes her old self, she'll deserve everything good like you.

Maybe when fate finally allows, we'll talk about us.

Maybe....

Maybe being an entity is like going against the laws of nature. Maybe you're really the wrong one for me, and vice versa, and so being together may get us to slaughter each other or something horrid along the lines.

But Shaun, please remember,


I can't stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memories
All the lonesome time

I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life
In dreams of yesterday

Those happy hours
That we once knew
Though long ago
They still make me blue
They say that time
Heals a broken heart
But time has stood still
Since we've been apart


I never would have expected that at 17, I would have such incredible capacity for love. And would gladly sacrifice all my happiness for just the one person who makes me the most miserable mope on earth.

But things happen. And sometimes you cant stop them, so they'll escalate into plagues of the heart.

You're the only burden I'll ever love. (:

Victoria
(the one you were lookin for? ) |

The Convo We Would Have Had.

Do you know I was THIS close to talking to him yesterday???

Apparently Cand has been repeatedly drilling info of me into his head, and when she approached him to take his photo , he allowed!!!! and said, "Who's Victoria? Ask her to appear can!"

And I was super hyper, which was perfect, since we know all types of crazy stunts I would commit without 2nd thoughts when Im this high.

But I only saw him once.

And he was about 200m away.

Then in a blink of an eye, he vanished.

Only 2 seconds, and I only had time for his face.

I couldnt, wouldnt and didnt go searching for him among the hordes of people, because I believe in fate. 70% fate+30% chemistry= the perfect relationship.

He didnt appear after that time I saw him in the hall.

No fate.

I wonder why Im repeating myself now. I dont know. I guess all Im living for, and will be living for, is 52.

That was the last time lah, Im almost positive it was. Just when I could make everything right, fate pitted itself against me. What happened? I could identify him several times during last year's College Day-and he was even camouflaged in school uni, which was harder to spot!

And I think adding him to Friendster or MSN would have no frickin effect. It's not direct/sincere/emotional enough.

So this is it. Not even a happy ending for me. I know Im blogging horribly, but these fingers are uncontrollable. I just have to get everything about him out of my system.

Shaun. Shaun. Shaun.

Im just hoping one day, he shall come back again (please do, Shaun!), then hopefully I'll be hyper enough to go, "Hey Shaun....Im the Victoria you were looking for"

What a lot of hopes and fat wishes.

Horrid storm yesterday, no? I stayed up all night, listening to the thunder and raindrops. Every flash of lightning would send images of him into my mind.
The sky cried, and I rained. |

What Makes My Day Today

• College Day! Which means LOADS OF FUN, EYE CANDIES, AND FOOD!
• He'll be supporting moi! Im really touched by the silly things he remembers sometimes.
• 52.
• Woke up at 10.30 on a Sat, binged on an ENTIRE bag of cereal while watching PPG and Pokemon. God, you dunno how much I miss PPG. It's like being reunited with my inner child again.
• I get to see Little being cute and boyish in his over-sized shirt.
• Going home when the sun's down. It makes me happy because I like being engulfed by the velvety darkness while leaving school.

|

He still msg-es me. Just when I was in the midst of a horrid tantrum. It helped a whole lot I guess, because I know I must be happy, prolly as much as him.

Pleasant surprises are abound!

And MJ called me today, though it aint for much, it shows a lot (:

Tomorrow, I think I will meet 52. The One.

I wonder why this feels like Judgement Day. Like I've sinned so much, and am awaiting the revelation of my fate. In a way it's an apt title I guess, because tomorrow will tell if Im finally free from the memories of him.

Sometimes I really wanna be into him forever. It's easier, because you dont need courage to move on and start anew. And because I loved him so much. But then I'll think, I dont wanna get married to a figment of my imagination. |

Going to school makes me feel cheap.

Like having a drop of caffeine in my system.

Like having insufficient sleep.

Like being worth less than a dime.

Like I've stolen someone else's life and am living very dreadfully as retribution.

Had such a hissy fit that my temple still throbs very painfully.

School, I never hated anything more in my life. No, not even that detestful Rodent. Nothing comes close to you. Congrats yeah? You've successfully ruined 2 whole years of my life.

Am I really cheap? Sometimes I feel all I have in me are my dark and murky thoughts, nothing worth any value. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Damn, this hurts like hell. |

Daddy : Do whatever you wish to.
Vic: I'd love to. But you know life. There's so many restrictions, emotional baggages and the what-nots.
Daddy: Sometimes if you just think less about others, you'd be happier. And dont you see you've been doing that for all of your life?
Vic: It's almost as if I was living the lives of so many others. All except my own.
Daddy: Ya. And you're my daughter. If it means happiness, go straight ahead with it please.

All my life, I wished someone would say that to me. And now, on the brink of adulthood-the phase of eternal freedom, Daddy finally granted the wish.

But really, I cannot, simply cannot bare to deplete my family's financial savings just for 10 pathetic years of education and a Doctorate. Even if it means I'll be living my dream, and might be (or might not) happy for the rest of my life. Even if it means I'll be well able to support them when I embark on my dream job.

I cannot not think about my parents.

Mummy: You should have been born in the US. Since you love their food, lifestyle and culture so much.
Vic: Ya. Sometimes I dream of that too. But I'd have a different upbringing. And I love the way I was brought up, conservative culture, Chinese traditions and all that. It makes me the person I am today.
Mummy: Chinese traditions! Look at you. The impossibly Western-Chinese.
Vic: Somewhere along the years, something happened I guess. Who knows what was it? But I have the right values and principles-being Chinese gave me that.
Mummy: You can adapt in the US meh? You're already so dependent on company now. You'll be all alone there.
Vic: But even if I die there, I'll be happier than living a miserable life in SG!
Mummy: I dunno about you lah. You're old enough to think for yourself.

See the vast difference in views? Daddy indulges me. If I ever get to NY, it'll be him that compel me to stay on even if life gets incredibly tough, because he's an endless motivation. With Mum, I'd get scared and guilty when I face the culture-shock, and eventually realise how hard it is on my own. But you see, Dad has spent so much of his life in US. Who knows better about life there than him?

This is Vic's life. Full of contradictions, indecisive-ness and restrictions.

I need time to think. Contemplate, weigh the consequences, draw out my life's plan, and maybe dream a lil. I have a feeling this will take me right down to Misery Lane again. |

I got home darn exhausted, and with an even more worn-out heart.

Maybe Im not of your exclusive race.
Maybe I aint pretty in your eyes.
Maybe I aint friendly enough (but you know why)
Maybe Im not as musically inclined as you.
Maybe I know zilch of your culture, because of my past.

Maybe I could never compare up to her, just like any guy to Fifi.

But I'd let you know immediately no girl can survive with just a Fifi alone.

Can no boy survive without a Hammerhead like her?

"Good friends". Well that tag is feeding my envy day by day, until one fine day, it's gonna break free of my heart's reigns and run us down.

Looking at you, in that over-sized white shirt is enough to drive the heart thumping like erratic horses. Very yummy. And I actually covet that intensity in your gaze, as much as others would flee from it in terror

I was so tired, I ignored homework and revision. I slept, because I didnt want to brood about how messy ALL my relationships would turn out.

And now, I overslept. Am consumed with guilt, but what could I do? I hate this school, and I hate our lives (or lack thereof). It has been darn tiring lately....but if this ends, I can never see you again. And our chances of ever talking, slim as they are, would go flowing down the drain. I've never even smiled at you before! Heh.

Vic sucks. |

The Infantile Excitements

His fingers danced across the ivories and ebonies, and very casually, he played that "tong hua" song.

Yeah, I would have preferred something classical, less ching-chong. Maybe Beethoven-incredibly heavy and tragic stuff. My type (: But you know how irrational the heart becomes when a guy works his charm unknowingly.

So I told Nan, "Hurry up and leave here! I only want to like Little!".

Ok lah, BT's super duper cute and highly sought-after because he's darn intelligent, young and boyish. But there's no charisma, not until he stands behind the piano (: I was giggly the entire Chem make-up lesson, all because of something he told Nan.

"I see you everyday I also happy, happy.."

It's highly inappropriate for those words to come out of a teacher's mouth no? And what's with the repetition "happy, happy" ? It sounds almost crude. Lol.

Oh, many girls in my class (me included) are unusually hyper and giggly when it's his lesson! I remember Xiu buying a strawBarry pocky just for that Chem make-up. So when I wanted some, I said, "I want Barry!". When it was passed along the row around my clique, I said to them, "You want Barry?". At one point, he looked straight at me, with a stunned/ blank expression on his face. I think he heard. Hahahaha, but forgive me. I was way too hyper for embarassment.

Very. Cute. Chem. Teacher. |

In the dying hours of today, I broke my pact.

The tears, the pain...really, who on earth can take all these troubles?

This sickening cycle of pain and momentary joys-it'll never cease till I get the education I want.



Huan: So what do you want for your bday?
Vee: Eh, this is hard. Let me think =p
Huan: OK..
*after 10 minutes of pondering*
Vee: Actually I realise I dont need anything leh.
Huan: Haha. Rich people get all they ask for.
Vee: If Im rich, I'd be living my dream now. I'd be buying my happiness.
Huan: Oh, the NYC thing again...
Vee: It's all I want in the world. It's all I ever wanted you know?
Vee: More than love and affection.

"But I want to take things positively and give my best for training. So I'll be strong and positive tml. U'll be happy tml. Tt's our happiness pact for 10th may 2005!"

Naive, childish, sweet, smile-inducing.

So I told him, " Hoho, alright. We'll take things by the day and see where it leads us. But till then, u train hard and study hard..but DO take care!".

I hope we'll be happy. We're all taking baby-steps, but maybe the destination aint as far away as we though it'll be.

So I'll wipe away the tears. It's a brand new day tomorrow, and I so dearly wanna adhere to the pact (: |

The Silliness of It All

It was his silly idea, and I just obliged ...and little did I know, silly ideas do make people happy. I must thank him really, for that extra motivation to be a happy girl today. ((: Psst, even Sista noticed I was unsually hyper! Tra-lala!

my love... says:
we must make a happiness pact
when you're no longer comforting me from within how do I know you're still there?? says:
like?
when you're no longer comforting me from within how do I know you're still there?? says:
must attain happiness in a mth's time?
when you're no longer comforting me from within how do I know you're still there?? says:
haha
my love... says:
sort of
my love... says:
must be happy ppl
my love... says:
i'll be a happy person 2ml!
when you're no longer comforting me from within how do I know you're still there?? says:
i'll be happy tmr too!
when you're no longer comforting me from within how do I know you're still there?? says:
oh, and u'll see me smiling whole day long

|

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

|

Maybe I need a guy who knows his music.

Like when Im sad, he'll provide the sad alt. rock songs.

When Im chirpy, he'll provide upbeat punk-rock songs.

When he misses me, he'll provide the tragic love ballads.

And he has to be knowledgeable too. So I can not only leech on his love, but on his vast knowledge too. |

The Greatest Love

Well that's my family and friends. And among these loves, ranked consistenly among the top, are the most cherished Seoks and Pooi.

It's some sort of cosmic intervention that brought us together during a phase in which friendship is thought to be ephemeral. Well we proved everyone wrong by lasting for more than half of our lives. They make me happy, when nobody else could. They understood me the best, because of the age-old friendship. Sometimes even when we're not talking, I feel the most incredible sense of ease and being loved simple for who I am.

Such friendship is bliss.

And yesterday, you could imagine how much I cheered up immediately when we met up (: I could feel myself in that child-like, naive persona again, giggling at all things un-funny; talking passionately with animated gestures; and smiling like a simply, happy girl. And I think shopping wasnt that superficial anymore when Im with them. Somehow despite our contrasting personality's, our tastes overlap, and it's great when you have people raving over the things you find pretty, when everyone else finds them childish. And talking about crushes and love makes us connect immediately. Heh.

Ohhh...and when Pooi went off, Seoks and I caught the House of Wax! Like finally I get to watch a horror flick after a full month of deprivation. Forgive me for raving, because it's the greatest teen slasher-flick in years! Comparable to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre if you ask me. Enough gore to satisfy the cannibal, enough scares to make me scream and grab Seok's hand, enough eye-candy to make my heart flutter. Haha, there's decapitation, amputation, and many other sick stuffs you'd never imagine. I was so terrified, but was anticipating more. You know, I didnt realise that HAWT Justin Timberlake look-alike was actually Chad Michael Murray until the credits!!! And his washboard abs! And SUPER SEXY VEINY FOREARMS! Oh gosh, I didnt know what wonders a shaved head, a lil goateee, and that darn cool hoody could do to make that bad-boy appeal absolutely yummy!

And yeah, Paris Hilton was HOT too...but she has this plasticy sorta prettiness that makes you sick after 10 minutes into the movie. And I like her death. Red underwear, stringy blond hair, pole in her head and all. Very dramatic (:

I wish I could have more of such moments with them girls. If times allows yeah..We'll see (: |

Cant stop crying. Tonight all my weaknesses are blade-sharp, cutting through the warm fuzzy tenderness of my make-believe happiness.

My weakness of falling for the wrong guys. All my frickin life.
My weakness for making very horrid friends. All my frickin life too.
My weakness for learning. All my NJ life.
My weakness for not being able to clear clutters. All my adolescence.

I've never had PMS, but always plagued by the elusive state of mind you call Depression.

Very. Bad. Mood. |

You

He took the guitar over, and draped a toned, muscular arm over it. Delight was evident in the very dazzling smile on his face.

He looked over shyly, almost beckoning her to watch him. And watch she did, enchanted with the ease with which he played. It was just a few notes, but bewitchment doesnt take a lot. That boyish frame hunched over that brown, glazed instrument, passion emanating from the figure.

From that moment on though, she knew she wanted him. More than any BTs, MJs or Monkeys. Her very own Little. |

Arrived home at 9 sharp. Was totally sapped, not from the frickin rehearsal, but from the wistful longings, and contemplation, and math remedial.

Dear Little,
Im really sorry for ignoring you the very first time you spoke to me. I know you're shy. And I understand how much it takes for a "Goodbye" to a mere acquaintance like me. If only you knew how much I regretted, the misery wrought upon myself by my cowardice. I was so happy when you came today, I could practically feel the spirits soaring. Even Dora was asking, "Why are you smiling so much?". It's all because of you boy!

But you know, Im prolly even more bashful than you when it comes to the people Im attracted to. I couldnt look at you in the eye. I really couldnt. It's a phobia to the highest level. The second our eyes meet, I'd avert my gaze INSTANTLY. But well, I think you're getting cooler and boyishly delectable by the day, and how could I resist not looking? You, are the sole reason why Im able to tolerate FW's nonsensical babbles, 5F's naggings, and the reverberating echoes of boredom. You're darn hot, you've got me mesmerised totally.

Today was the worst practice in my life, because the eye contacts were the least ever! And there wasnt anymore indication of the slightest interest. I was so tired of constantly looking out for ya, while trying to be discrete at the same time. And if I found you, I couldnt even glance openly. Im forced to peek sneakily, almost like a "sight thief".Why has everything deteriorated, and your looks scaled sky-high in just a few days' absence?

I know I aint of your race. I know racial disparity is a sensitive issue among these times. And of course I know Im never as pretty as those minahs....but Im me. Vic, the weirdest crankiest kookiest chick around NJ. Maybe soon, I'll drum up my courage for a "Hi" or maybe a hint of smile, but will you reciprocate my painstaking efforts in knowing you better?

Every girl needs a bony, veiny, toned forearm in her life, which is so sexy, it's RED HOT. You have that, and so much more. I want you.

Mr Tsang told us his life story today. It was a long, meaningful chat with him, and I guess Im not at liberty to spill the beans here. But I learnt so much from him. He's the patient, understanding father figure every troubled, depressed teen should have. Im changing my attitude towards education. It'll be heartwrenching to disappoint him, and Im not gonna be the one who does that.

If someone has gone through that much turbulence in his life, and could still take all that pains him in his stride, working relentlessly towards success, I could too. And compared to him, or his peers, Im really a damn fortunate girl. I must finish my education now. I need the best results, the best university education, the best future, all for the best life.

I guess everyone has his own sad story to tell. Even BT has one too, as perfect and exalted as he may appear to us.

It makes me so empty to focus mainly on my studies, but it's just a few more months. I'll get the best results with my potential, and we'll see where I should go from there.

Thank you Mr Tsang. You're the best teacher ever. |

Met the P for the very first time. Such perfect record was never tarnished until I stepped into this Hell. I would have thought it was disgraceful, shameful even. But no, now I realise it's just a consqeuence. One we have to face up to some way along in our lives. She was rather subtle and understanding about our disappointments already, and hence, Im truly grateful.

I'll try my best. Really. Then we'll talk about NYC and dreams and happiness.

I dreamt about R a few nights ago. It was a happy dream, and the next day I woke up chirpier than ever. About us- there was sparks, but never a proper start before he left. Very suddenly. After 2 years, he's still very delectable. It doesnt help that he still tugs at my heartstrings for inexplicable reasons. And I've been contemplating, maybe living at Aussie aint that bad after all. I'll have him again (: |

Funny Convos

About B.T.

Vee: *stands up beside BT to gauge their height difference* Oh GOD! How come he's so short? I didnt know!!!
Vee: He's my height leh!
Eu: *nods in agreement*
Xiu: Not he's short, you're tall lah.
Vee: No lah. Im only 163. I give him 165 the most.
Vee: Sad leh! No more fantasies about him already...
Eu: Haha! What kind of fantasies you want?


Vee: Why is he so short? Sigh.
Eu: Why dont you pull him lah!
Vee: Pull?????????!!
Eu: Gosh, that sounds so horrible!
*those who got the sexual connotation laughs. sista, who doesnt, was left asking "How to pull legs? Cannot one lah!".*


Eu: Lets call him StrawBarry.
Xiu: EEE! Dont want! Sounds so horrible!
Vee: Why are you defending him so fiercely?
Sis and Vee: Woooooooo!
Xiu: *blushes* It just sounds not nice mah. Very feminine leh!
Eu: Ok lor. Then call him xiong strawbarry.

About Mango

Sheng: Look at Mangjuin. Very funny.
Vee and Sheng: Hahahahahahaha.
MJ: *looks at us quizically*
Meibao: *hollers across canteen suddenly* Vic!!!!! Caught you in action ah! Why are you looking at him suggestively?!
MJ: *chooses the RIGHT time to come over*
The 3 Sisters: *all types of hoots, catcalls and laughters*
MJ: *pretends not to hear and talks to Sheng*
Vee: NOOOOOO! Sheng said he was funny mah!
Vee: Dont believe you ask Sheng!
Vee (to Sheng): Quick tell them what you said!!
Sheng: *shakes head stubbornly*
Vee (quietly to Sheng): Later you die!! Give you a preview of your punishment first!
*pinches Sheng mercilessly*

About the Scream Queens

Xiu: AH! *pulls Eu away*
Vee: *notices the slightest jerk away from the wall* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Eu: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*People all around turned to look. The large group behind us were covering their ears, and peering curiously. Monkey shook his head at me. Up on the 3rd level, an entire class stared at the 2 of us. And please note that we screamed even without looking at what was the offending object*
Vee: Oh no! We really screamed very loudly hor?
Peishan: Ya. Everyone heard lor.

So, I guess that's how people earn the reputation as Scream Queens. And fyi, the said offending object was a mass of ants in the formation of a heart shape. It brought "love" to a whole new level. |

Vee: I wanna be a social escort.
Tee: ah! WHY??
Vee: heh. I need all the money in the world. Money buys dreams, and happiness.
Vee: and I dont care about morals and ethics no more.
Vee: oh, easy money too!
Tee: mmm
Tee: sure you can go ahead and be one.
Tee: only then i wont be your friend.

I need a real deal. You know, with a millionaire or something. Fund for my very expensive education, and we'll work out a deal on how I should repay him.

And it's not even Harvard I want. Why is it this frickin hard huh?

I dont hate my roots. I've always been darn proud of it. It's just my nationality that's the problem. This stupid country and school I belong to? Well, I think they're embarking on a great consipracy to destroy my life.

Misery and hatred all over again. Told ya. Will never be happy till I leave.

At risk of sounding too immature/angsty/emo, I really am hating everyone as of now. Dont ask please, and dont care. Just leave me and my purely distilled negativity to our own devices. |

The Hardened Rebels and Their Hilarious Escape

I think today was one of the fun-nest day ever!

PE was never this nice. I thought long jump was relatively easy, and it felt so good lifting off, being hoisted in mid-air, then landing so lightly in the sandbox, you hardly made a sound. I think for the first time in my life, I felt I was light...so light, flying was almost within reach. Heh. And besides, Im loving long jump for Fifi's sake (his specialty). You know what? He got 3rd this year. It's a great disappointment, but they all tell me I shouldnt expect so much when he doesnt even train. Hoho. It's just-stretch, warm up, sprint 50m, then lift off. Slackers just dont get paid huh.

And I love hearing Sheng's rendition of mah fave Beach Boy's song. Nevermind if he tweaked the meloday a lil (that means out of tune lah!), or forgot the lyrics, because he's SO CUTE, I enjoy every moment of it. I hope the boy would put all unhappiness behind him, and finally move on. He smiles with tears in his eyes. I doubt he eats with any real appetite. It's sad to see an old buddy this run-down. But we'll all try to help, wont we? (:

Vee: Sheng! Sing that song again!
Sheng: Har again?
Vee: Ya ya! Very nice leh. I wanna hear it!
Sheng: Dont want lah. Only once a day ok?
Vee: You bluff one! Sing so many times during break already!
Sheng: Haha. Tomorrow then sing lah.
Vee: Ok! Then make sure you sing till we're all happy!
Sheng: Ahhhh....

And since we both skipped GP today, we came together to crack our minds for the perfect escape plan. The escape from this hell we call our school. Hoho. I love Eunice! For there's no one as willing, as eager and as tolerant about this truancy thing. And we were planning the entire GP lesson. Heh. Think our efforts paid off? Read on...

When the bell for Civics rang, we headed straight for the outer gate at NJC crescent. Being the newb at this gate-scaling feat, Eu volunteered to "try out the route first". That being the shakiest gate of the school, made Eu rather frightened, and so after hanging on for a minute, she hopped down, and I tried. The first step up and my left foot got stuck. I was too scared to continue, so we proceeded on. To the one facing the main road. One glance at it, and Eu said, "Wah, that one very difficult leh". I had zero experience in this , so all I had to do was to watch and listen. Haha. And finally came the inner gate at NJC crescent. Being egged on by her initial attempts, my courage grew, and so I tried to scale that one first. It was fun planning my route, except I got so high, my legs were almost shaking. So after whining for half a minute in mid-air, I finally got down, dejected and tired.

We tried to take an alternative route by scaling a slope beside the gym, but alas! All the fence was repaired, and there was no hole to crawl through. When all hope was lost, we saw 3 boys heading towards the gate at the main road. Oh gosh. You should have seen how they almost swayed their way on the track to the gate. Like skipping school is something honourable. Then one by one, they took two steps up the gate, and swung themselves over so easily, you'd think we're born spider-mans. Re-motivated by the boys, Eu and I ventured again. We stood there, suggesting weird ideas like: using the chair to help, bending the barbed wire so possiblity of us getting hurt is smaller (all courtesy of Vic lah). We both took our turns with it. But the funny thing is that it faces the main road. Imagine motorists passing by and see two grey lumps hanging on to the gate for their lives. It would be less embarassing if we were more brave. Haha. But we just couldnt get to the top, so hanging in the middle did seem like a more appealing option then. Oh, and one of the lumps would have her hands frantically twisting the barbed wire, as if she's Most Professional Illegal Immigrant of the Year. (dont have to guess who it is).

Obviously, we were too consumed by cowardice to ever scale the red Mt Everests of NJ. Went to the other gates for second opinions, but yeah...we only ended up sweating like mad swines, and very tired limbs. Then Vic's incredible mind got to work. I remembered the "dog hole" we stroll past every morning, and so that was our last resort. And it worked!!!!!!

After mere seconds of twisting our body into contorted shapes, we got through! Trust me people, the immediate adrenaline rush was priceless!! We out-smarted the very old, cunning and shrewd school, and attained freedom! All that relentless planning, sweat and energy wasted finally paid off. I was so happy, and contented that NJ could provide me with a hilarious adventure as such.

Pride for freedom and sleep. I think that's worth it. Under normal circumstances, like say, if I was back in Nanhua, I wouldnt even consider crawling through holes at gun-point. This shows how horrid NJ is huh? Sigh...But at least I had a taste of how illegal immigrants live. It's a high and exciting life (:

And Eu, I love you! It was fun doing all that crazy stunts with ya! |

When I was young, I was lovable.

So darn cute, passers-by always pinched my cheeks till they burn painfully.
So darn guileless, I believed all old ang-moh men are Santas in disguise.
So darn lovable, I had many god-parents.
So lovable, we were continuously invited to the late President Wee's house.

Heh. Well, my mum is on close terms with his daughter you see. So we always went to their place for tea/lunch/dinner. I dont have much recollection of it, except that the bungalow was REALLY sprawling, with marble floors, high pillars and very beautiful chandeliers. And I'd trounce around happily, excited by all the attention I was getting by this old man. I didnt knew how noble, nor how much of a great person he was then-all I knew was that he was extremely likable, kindred and friendly. I almost lived for his smiles, his light hugs, and loving pats on the head.

He was so sweet. No airs at all, given his then status. And I loved how his eyes crinkle when he laughed, how his wrinkles make him look so much like my own Grandpa.

Then the visits grew gradually lesser as Dad got busier, and as I grew up and got busy with adolescence. And we stopped going to that beautiful home altogether, though Mum still kept in contact with Ms Wee. And the scary thing about me is that I forgot about him altogether.

Until Mum told me about his demise. Then the mental block eased a little, and faded memories came back in little snatches.

Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives, we never really know how great an impact some people left on our lives, and how dear they are to us, until they leave. They leave forever. I think Im the cruellest, most heartless person, for forgetting people that once mean so much to me. Tell me, is it just the way life is-with time being the huge eraser that removes all that's essential, or it's just Vic that is SO DESTESTABLE?

You'd expect people to remember all who are nice to them. I thought so too. I thought I'd be eternally grateful to those who came into my life and left nice memories. But no, apparently, Im too preoccupied with my pretty lil life to care.

And you know what? Im not attending his wake either. I hate funerals, I hate deaths, I hate depatures, I hate goodbyes that last forever. Dammit! I think I suck like hell too. Being the ungrateful, unfeeling, self-obsessed lil freak.

Just let me mourn in peace please. |

Why,

was I super duper ultra close to writing my name on the Chem assignment in pink, and decorate it with pink hearts?

Why,

did I take such care to ensure my handwriting doesnt go awry and illegible?

Who was I trying to impress man.

Hoho. |

The Forbidden


Vee: OHHHH! B.T didnt call my name today! *sulks*
Vee: And he called Huimin and Nan! I think he likes them, he likes everyone but me...
Nan: Yeah, who asked you to giggle so much. Besides Huimin is very pretty.
Vee: Cannot! B.T is MINE!!
Jo: Maybe he's too shy to call you? And he didnt call me today too!
Nan: Oh yeahhhhh! He's shy! *encouraging grin*
Vee: Hahahaha. Like a teacher will ever be shy.


Casie: Why does everyone like B.T har? Can you tell me the reason?
Vee: Cuz he's damn young and smart?
Vee: Oh, Jas likes him too hor? Hahaha. Good taste!
Casie: Ya! When I commented on him, she was like "Please do not insult him. He's very good ok!"
Casie: I dunno why almost everyone likes him lor.
Vee: *secretly thinks* Cuz he's a big flirt?

Anyway, I think it's damn funny how we're all mildy/crazily attracted to the teacher. It's not as if he's dashingly charming-in fact, I'd bet a million dollars he wouldnt catch my eye if he's still a student here. Ewwww! He's just plain boring in our stone-grey lah. And besides, the convos are so hilarious! Please imagine me bursting into sudden laughters in between them.

We havent been communicating much. You're still such a great friend, but I could feel Us slipping inexorably towards Doomsville. Does poor communication (or the lack thereof) drives such a huge wedge between us, we can no longer talk like the past? And you know what? I actually dread replying your sms-es because we dont have a common topic anymore. It's so tough to wreck my burdened mind to come up with a weak one. Sometimes I just wish you'd forget about me, so I could be spared the awkward tension. Im sorry for thinking such mean thoughts...obviously I still care a lot about you, it's just that I'd rather end it immediately, than drag it on until we burnt our fingers so badly, we can no longer have faith. And maybe it really is your fault. Pure friendship wouldnt be too hard to maintain would it? Well who asked you to say some weird, indecipherable, easily misunderstood things..and create the unspoken mutual embarassment? Then again, it isnt your fault for being truthful. I'd blame you if you arent entirely honest with me. Plus nobody should be incrimnated for their feelings. Ah, I dont know. I just feel so at lost now that our friendship is THIS close to it's grave. Trust me, and my intuition. Lets hope one of us, or both ,would come up with a great plan to resuscitate a relationship which is seeping away so fast, we cant hold on to it with brute force anymore. Tread on tenderly please, for this is dangerous, uncharted territory we're talking about. |

While Vic Was Gone:

• MJ smsed her right after his SYF : We got gold!! Well he prolly msged everyone close to him, but the fact that he remembered her, even though she clean forgot to wish him good luck for his SYF, makes her very touched. And we all know how CUTE she finds him (:
• Little didnt attend CCA. It seems like telepathy, only it really wasnt. But at least others couldnt enjoy him when she cant. (jealous streak at work!). And not being able to see him for the full 4 hours was the greatest regret she had before leaving (not even missing lessons could come close)--to think that he made life so much more easier by not attending! Hohoho.

Clearly nonsensical. But actually, very dear matters to her.

You know all these silly, weird talk with polygamist tendencies? It aint really serious. Yeah those people mentioned mean so much to her, but all she wants ultimately, is...

1. An Everland, handwritten card everyday, with contents so sincere, it makes her wanna bawl her eyes out. (Idea courtesy of dearest JW)
2. Someone to fine-dine with, and whose eyes so magnetic, she'd stare into them forever. You know, sometimes just talking and laughing in the candlelight over good food makes her the happiest girl on earth. And do trust her, she knows the greatest places to when it comes down to gastronomic delights. Romantic gestures and passion not prerequisites, but charm and connection are definites.
3. Sexy fore-arms on Him. I've said too much previously to irk you guys. So shall be merciful here.
4. Croons, or at least attempts to, "Wouldnt it Be Nice" (-the Beach Boys song!!) and mean EVERY SINGLE WORD of it.

Think it's possible for anyone to provide the aforementioned? Ever? Because to her, that's the purest, most unadulterated form of the L-word (:

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about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


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