Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

I look at your name in my phonebook, but I don't dial.
I cry.

I pass the places where we've been, but I don't smile with nostalgia.
I cry.

I catch myself sniffing my arm sub-consciously, but I don't laugh myself silly for missing your scent this badly.
I cry.

I cast surreptitious glances at the watch on the table, but I don't wear it anymore.
I cry.

I lie on my bed, but I don't dream of you anymore.
I cry.

I know that grievances when accumulated, will be the death of a relationship. I know, I really do. I still remember the day Mr. Banker looked into my eyes with dead earnesty and said, "Whatever unhappiness that you have must be expressed. Please don't wait till it's too late, then you'll regret." And of course, I remember nodding with renewed vigour of hope and faith.

I never knew then that it was really beyond me to address my misery and unhappiness. I can never bear to, at the expense of another's confidence, pride and self-worth. I was just born defective, and like all factory defects, desperately covered up with slipshod normalcy and weak principles. Well the layers are falling apart with age now, so baby, now you see the true rotten core that's murdering us both.

I'm so sorry. It's killing me like this, but I don't know what else to do.
I really really don't.
I don't think you do too. Do you?
And you can't help me to help myself either.
So I'll just be left alone to self-destruct by my love for you. |

"You're Already A Grown Up, So Behave Like One"
-everyone.

So yep, first day was a blast.

Not that it was consecutive adrenaline rushes all the way, nor continuous crazy stunts and relentless inappropriate laughters; BUT, an alternate of both. (:

To think that I wasted all my breath whining to anyone who would listen (mainly Daddy and him and Dydy..haha. The guys usually bear the brunt of my verbal torture) how I wouldn't make any friends and be an outcast for life, $5.95 on a canned wine (Braroke's shiraz. It's surprisingly good!) forcefully downed in hope of removing my inhibitions when it comes to approaching strangers and possibly tens of hearts which worried for me.

Darlings, I'm loving school now. With the right form of motivation of course. Teeheehee!

Well I rather not talk about the endearing source of adrenaline rush. So, ask me if you're keen to know (: Tsk! Crazy stunts include shouting inane chants like "Pelican, pelican!" at the top of my lungs during the most boring Physics lecture EVAR, pinching the two darlings beside me, pointing directly at the lecturer and exclaiming how fugly he was (the poor thing must have heard my scathing remarks. Hee!), screeching "I HATE this school" from time to time...I think, I was freaking unruly because Chus told me the two pitiful students behind were staring at me in shock. How nice.

I'm 19.

Time to grow up.

No more over-dependence on friendship nor company nor kinship.

After all, I survived the first day of school amazingly well yeah? This shall be my first milestone (:

Love, people! For I'm seldom this truly happy. |

Dare The Daring.

I've been musing, if I've no qualms about sauntering into NJ half-drunk on Baron's on results day, and again into some Novena church with him...then some booze might help easing my "First Day of School ALONE" blues too.

For the first time in my life, I shall be a lone ranger. It is not as if I'm averse to solitude per se. In fact I relish it! Especially during miserable and languid moments because you just don't drag people down with you when you wallow in your own pool of self-pity yeah? But I just don't see how I'm gonna spend the first day of the next 3 or 4 years of my life in despair.

I should probably have seen it coming, and I can blame no one but myself.

So lets just see..if trusty ol' alcohol would make the anti-social sociable (:













Truth is, I'M FREAKING JITTERY. Because Vic, the ever blur and self-absorbed and dependent Vic, who can't even differentiate LT1 from LT5 during her ENTIRE two years in NJ, is gonna survive her first week on uni life all alone (that includes navigating the notorious hilly and bloody confusing terrains and sitting in some obscure corner in the freezing LTs, away from human warmth for 2 hours straight). My Dad failed in calming my nerves, HE failed, DF's not responding to my frantic calls for help and all I have are fellow friends who don't mind going through the same thing because they're on the opposite extreme end of the independence scale.

Freak.

I say pass the bottle here, seriously. |

about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


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