he's one very hardworking fella, real passionate about his work (:

during lunch, i chose to slack at the student's lounge, knowing perfectly well that he was alone in the raintree. he was exactly 2 stories above where i was laying...such close proximity, but worlds apart. i lay on an extra comfy couch and closed my eyes. jay's "common jasmine orange" was pounding quite loudly in the background. then, i could pratically see him in my head. pouring over his notes, shaking his body a little, and muttering silently to himself. ha. it was so realistic. i guess it would exactly be what i'll see if i ran up to the raintree then.

i mused for an hour. my thoughts ran around in circles, chasing each other merrily till my mental energy was no more. yet, i came to no conclusion. if only i knew what he thinks. if only i wasnt so crazy during the first 3 months. sigh.

tmr's prolly my last chance at ever doing anything. and im still pondering...

vicks
|

Thirty-four minutes to live. Eddie lifted the lap bar, gave each boy a sucking candy, retrieved his cane, then limped to the maintenance shop to cool down from the summer heat. Had he known his death was imminent, he might have gone somewhere else. Instead, he did what we all do. He went about his dull routine as if all the days in the world were still to come.

-The five people you meet in Heaven
by Mitch Albom

if i knew i had 34 minutes to live, i'll tell him. without a doubt, i will. no matter what the outcome will be, no matter how much i think he'll offer not much of a response, i will.

that's about 20 minutes spent on him. think of that. i would spent more than half of my remaining life with him. that's how essential he is to me.

then, i'll dress up, take one last, very pretty picture, so that my best memory would be kept forever, and have this blog address written down and passed on to him after i die. finally, i will lie in my parents' arms, and die a very reluctant death.

the problem is, we all don't know when our time is up. can it be tomorrow, another decade, another century? i know this means i should walk up to him right now, and spill out ALL my sorrows. however, what can he do?? if he liked me, i would have known. rather than facing rejection and shame, i'd gladly take a lifetime of regret. at least i know there would have been a slight chance of us being together, rather than no chance at all when the truth is revealed.

i doubt anyone reads this blog anyway, but i think i need some help. im sure i'll be seeing him on tues (teachers' day celebrations), how should i react then? smile and wait for his response? go up to him and talk? or just feign nonchalence?

oh god. tues is prolly my last ever chance. may life be on my side just this once.

vicks.

|

" i will carry you" by clay aiken

i look at the tiny heaps of crumpled tissue paper on my table and thus mused, " how much tears can one shed?"

today was happy...pigged out at orchard after bio remedial with nanthini. oh what great fun we had reading motivational materials, mainly on love of course, and oggling at cute pedestrians.
we bought this really neat book titled "smiles" for mr goh. im sure he'll love it, just like we do. in fact, i think im in desperate need of a book along those lines. haha. "happiness" or "forget love" would do just fine. so, if any millionaires happen to chance upon this pathetic state of a blog, do something charitable ya? i need cheering up CONSTANTLY. im usually ok in school, but at home, when i have time to contemplate, trouble arises.

there's this really HOT and COOL photo of him online. i love it so, and him as well. that shall be my best kept memory of him ya? in the future, when im old and wrinkly and prune-y, i shall chance across this creased picture of him, and cry buckets like i do now. i shall muse about lost love, cowardice and regret about a life stolen by sadness.

im very disappointed that the long-awaited jokers outing had to be such a failure. shan't talk about it anymore..it just breaks my heart when i think of it ):

vicks
|

listening to "summer nights" on eunice's blog. gosh, it's so, so nostalgic. i tell you the orientation days would surely be the best times of my jc life. the mass dance....how could i ever forget that? everything ultimately boils down to him.

have been really happy yesterday and today.

i think, come the weekend, and the sadness will find its spot in my heart again. that's because i won't get to see him. im kinda, no, very concerned for him. i mean it's the prelims ah, very near a levels. hope he's taking it well, although i know my worries are redundant. ha.

im sorry for such disjointed sentences. i haven't felt happy for a long time, and when i finally was, it ended all too soon. every bus trip to and from school has been my "self-reflection" session. today, i had this horrid realisation that even if he's gone, i'll still live. in fact, at that time, i actually wasn't too affected by it. i don't know what i expect upon his departure. do i expect to just collapse and never get up when he walks away forever? i think so, but on the contrary, i think i'll be happy in just a few months time. i think.

this is highly disturbing. i should be miserable and dying instead of surviving..these thoughts are just spurs of the moment. may not be true. heh. cuz im suspecting im a little schizophrenic, paranoid and distracted now.

goodbye vic! i think i've changed so drastically i can't understand myself.

lets marvel at the incredible workings of love. oh, how it destroys one!

vicks
|

break hiatus for a bit to comment about yesterday. will prolly blog on teacher's day too...it depends.

well the reason why im blogging at dawn break is because i slept at 7-ish last night and hadta rouse at 4 to complete my hw. so here i am, with work half done, and exhausted as hell. my eyes hurt so much when i tried to get up from bed, like it was pricked by a thousand toothpicks the night before. the first thought that occured to me was that i wore my contacts to sleep without realising it, but it couldn't be...im not THAT careless. it was only after a bit of pondering that i decided that i was crying in my sleep last night.

how come i didn't know i cried??

i thought i cried so much in school that i couldn't spare the energy to do so anymore.

*sigh*. yesterday was hell-ish. school wasn't very kind to me.

reason : yesterday marked the official start of the yr2 prelims. and i thought it would be still months before they left school. it didn't occur to me that they wouldn't be returning for lessons as per normal. you know what it means, don't you? i can never see him again.

NEVER.

well maybe a few glimpses if i get lucky...but well, i won't see him like i do everyday.

do you know how it pains me? tuesday was prolly the last time i'll see him, and yet, my behaviour was irksome. like usual, i walked past him with my head bowed and hands twitching nervously. there was a split second of acknowledgement by both of us, before i looked away. HA. HA. HA. he prolly thinks i loathe him, from my very cold treatment. i have never ever looked into his eyes and smiled at him before!!! since the start of the year, it has been 8mths, and i couldn't do anything. i wanted to do so, on the last normal school day we had....but it really does seems like i lost my chance.

i prolly left the impression that im ugly and rude. ugly and rude. ugly and rude.

a colossal part of me has died off now. i could almost feel my life sapping away as my tears flowed. i know i can never walk past his noticeboard again without crying. i can never look at his pictures with happiness. even the most timid of my friends said i should have approached him. well that's easier said then done. what could i say to him??

" hello, i know you know that i like you. so what do we make out of this situation?" or
" am i even pretty enough for you??"

i could have just opted for the easier option and smiled, but i didn't. this stupid crush was wrong from the start, and 52 has become so tightly entwined with my life that i can't let him go. i don't think i will in years to come.

so how? even nj seems repulsive to me. i can't bear to go to school anymore, for almost everything reminds me of him. but i have to, there's just so many obligations. i can almost guarantee that more tears will be shed then.

oh, and did i mention the stress level we're facing? the stupid stupid PW!!! i'll condemn it to hell if i could. and then there's hw, remedials, and PROMOS. how could i study with a peace of mind when im half-dying already?

i don't know what's to become of me. even my smiles and laughter look and sound painfully forced.

i really don't.

[it's hard even to hide behind the broken smiles.]

vicks

|

browsed thru my entries for this month, and my! how incredibly naive and love-sick i must sound. maybe i shouldn't blog already. at least not until i've gotten over him, which may take forever...

haha. you know, i think i crush very badly. it's getting worse, judging from my tone in those entries. ok, so let me mark the start of an indefinite hiatus!

1, 2, 3..

HIATUS BEGINS!

lol.

till then!
victoria
|

Waiting for the answer
remembering the times we would share
Somehow I feel you here beside me
Even though you're not there
And its a leap of faith
When you believe there's someone out there
Its a leap of faith
When you believe that someone cares
And when I call out to you
Will you be right there?
Right there?


i was reduced to nothing but a mass of screaming hysteria in the canteen today. of course, i held on to all the self-restraint i could possibly master, but...but...i just had to express my emotions when he turned his back. oh god, he's super yummy to the eyes. they said some things about him which made me rather cheery today. (: (:

then of course, this may be just another phase of the cycle. the cycle of hopes and pain.

i think i developed some psychic ability. i seem to know when i'll be able to meet him. i suggested to the clique to have lunch during break time today, just so i could see him. i suggested to stake out outside the library during lunch period, because i seem to feel he'll be walking past there. oh, and i knew he would be at the library after school. haha. true enough, nan verified it for me. well, i rushed home straight after school...i shouldnt indulge too much you see. because severe addictions may lead to death when you try to curb them out of a sudden.

it's nice to know when you're able to meet that someone, no matter how short-lived the joy, and how damaging the pain is. im relishing it (:

love,
vicks
|

im starting to think M and i have some unique affinity, whether weird or not. today was the 4th or 5th time we were grouped together, and of course, i was quite elated. it's the only thing i anticipate during boring lessons as such. xiu, joan, hanling and clare were sniggering to themselves, and so I couldn't resist the urge to smile stupidly either. haha. maybe M thinks im into him. well i seriously don't care. xiu told me to give 52 up, suggesting maybe M is the "right guy". i was SO incensed, tho i didn't show it. feelings are not to be played like how she suggested. love is something i prize above all other values, so don't ever put in down, at least not in front of me.

*sighs*

im losing confidence im myself too. my maths is horrid. im flunking maths test, and i bet i'll prolly be the worst in class. 52 DIDN'T look at me when we crossed paths. or did he? it hurts me so when i know im not good enough. sometimes, i really wish for more appealing looks, but we must be content. then again, how could i, when i have neither looks nor intelligence nor charm nor gift of the gab nor dilligencE?

DAMN LIFE. you're frickin unfair u know that? you make others grasp happiness so easily, when it eludes me all the time. do you hate me, life? im not suicidal anymore, and i treasure you so much, so why such heartless treatment?

vicks
|

"Loving thee"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth, and breadth, and height my soul can reach,
when feeling out of sight
for the ends of being and idel grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's most quiet needs,
by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely,
as men strive for right.
I love thee with the passion put to use
in my old griefs, and my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose with my lost saints.
I love thee with the breadth, smiles, tears of life,
and if God chooses,
I shall but love thee better after death.

It's 6 plus in the morning, so pardon me for my somewhat mushy quirks. lol.

the long awaited weekend is impending, therefore, i shall try as much to enjoy school today. (:

love,
vicks
|

oh dear. it was on 14/8. how horribly blur and myopic i was. it sounds so embarassing, having made so many mistakes over his actual birthdate, when he's like one of the important people in my life.

ha. that means all those personality tests i've done for him were wrong to. don't worry, im not gonna do them again. i believe my condition has improved, for im no longer screaming when i see him right? im gonna recover fully one day. however long it may seems, just watch me.

love,
vicks |

dammit! his bday isnt on jan8. why oh why have i been thinking it's on jan8?? it must be some dumbass who misleaded me during orientation. ARGH. i feel so cheated, and and...helpless. he's a leo, not a capricorn, as i had always thought him to be. no wonder he doesn't possess some of capricorn's traits, like being conservative. haha.

oh, his girl friend (or should i say female friend) is throwing a surprise party for him. that's like so sweet lah. im feeling a little negativity towards this. i don't know why. jealousy? oh dear i hope not. maybe it's the sense of distance im bound to feel when he celebrates happily with his friends. but what am i talking about anyway. im not even a friend, what can i expect?

dang. im getting incoherent. cant be blamed, for my thoughts are jumbled up as well. you know, im still looking forward to going to school. for each day he's in school, it'll be an adventure for me. i know our situation's stagnant, it's been so for months...however, i can't help but to hope sometimes.

love,
vicks |

3 posts in a day! im confirmed to be an extremist...no posts in months, to 3 in a day. it's nice being weird and i like it this way. ha. maybe i have too much to say, my heart's too burdened.

mentoring is quite fulfilling really. it's nice to give out pieces of your knowledge to people who needs them. it feels so satisfying to teach, when you see the look of enlightenment on their faces. and i get to earn my cip hours too! life is quite kind in this aspect- i get to enjoy what i work for. (:

oh, and i finally caught "the village". haha. it's more of a love story actually. and i love it so. how could shyamalan be so multi-talented? horror and romance.whoa! i was moved by such intricacies of love. whenever ivy (she's blind) reaches out her hand in distress, lucius bound to take hold of it. oh, the sense of security and support she enjoys. im envious. and how lucius would stay guard at ivy's porch, being her guardian angel...how ivy risked her life to save his. wow. what can i say man.

will be busy for the entire week. the only thing i look forward to is teacher's day celebrations, for that is when joker's can finally meet. blah. and what's there to anticipate after that? his departure? oh i shouldnt get started on that.


love,
vicks

|

,

i just had this terrifying dream of 52 during my nap. he was leaving me. graduating. and i had sneaked in to the senior's farewell party with some friends. i remember him looking so incredily dashing, tho for some weird reason or another, he was togged in a black suit with white stripes. haha. he was still charming tho'. i almost melted then. ok, then the dream fastforward-ed and realisaiton dawned upon me that i can never see him again. he was leaving the party, and my friends all pushed my towards him, persuading me to at least talk to him. my courage failed me. in both reality and lala-land, im equally cowardly. i cried so much when he walked past me to the exit, to the point of almost collapsing.

oh such searing pain i felt. i believe i cried in my sleep.

the really weird dream ended then, and i woke up so depressed i had no appetite for my dinner. will this torture continue? oh god, please help me.

love,
vicks |

tell me, has anyone ever died from love?

people do die for love. but not from it eh? let's see if i'll be the first.

oh and anyway, i realise "Running" is so, so sad it brings back the heartache and misery. heartache...it's just a slight tug of a heart, like a gentle squeeze, perhaps to remind one that the love would'nt work.

the tears cant help but to flow in little torrents now. |

just wanna add, tho huang peng pissed me off a little during bio tutorial by insisting that he wanted my seat, he did say something that made me mildy amused. blurted it out when i was whining non-stop over undone hw that my teacher was checking.

"you look like a guai-guai nu. i doubt u've never not do your hw before."

looking like a "guai-guai nu" means i look demure and obedient. muahahahahaha. have never thought of myself that way. oh, and fyi, it was my millionth time not doing hw already. i would have agreed with him in the good old days, but not now. not when i've changed so much and become the hopeless dope that i am.

"guai-guai nu". lol. am savouring that. |

"She will be loved: by maroon5

[i will be loved too...]

was plagued by terrible tummyaches today, so horrid that i couldnt pay attention during lectures. and i think was rude to assam and ah yang today. oh gosh. will try to make up to them if i can. funny how much one changes when one's stretched to his limits eh? i never meant to treat them like i did.

sigh.

i sorta skipped pe today. lol. played halfheartedly and left midway through a game of captain's ball. most of my classmates skipped pe too. well i simply had no mood. tummyache and heartache. heh. now i know it's really impossible to avoid 52. we have our frickin pe together. ALL OF THEM- 2 PER WEEK! that means even if i intentionally avoid him during free time, i'll still hafta see him in one way or another. dammit. dear destiny is so cruel to me. what did i do to deserve this huh?? all i want to do is to be relieved of this frickin pain, but it has trebled instead.

bloggy, why did he have to glance at me when he walked past????? of course, i didn't see him looking at me. would always look away and feign nonchalence around him,tho my whole being burns in embarassment and my heart pounds so mercilessly. this neverending cycle of hopefulness and desolation has left me at the end of my tether. ha! how many times have i said that i would forget him, but end up head over heels in love again?

ah nevermind. shall see what i can do. even if i die, i shall do so trying to be happy (:

watched "the others" for the second time after school, in LT5. it was fun, cuz there was only 6 people, including nan, boon, fi and i. it was freezing like antarctica and the seats were as hard as stone. i was quite embarassed actually, since i expected full-house, not an empty LT. well anyway, it was real exciting watching a horror flick with so little people around. (: had a nice time screaming like a bimbo. tra-la-la...

today was mr lee's last day in school. the urge to cry didn't come, cuz well, i cried yesterday, when we had our last lesson with him. i love him. i adore him. i respect him. we all know how sentimental i can get. *sigh* never again will i meet a teacher as patient and as concerned as him. even my ct isn't a match for him! his quirks, little jokes and real fun teaching methods..i want him to stay!! yet, he's leaving like 52 will in a short time.next wed, at dawn. haha. that means in order to see him off, we will hafta reach the aiport at 4. may hafta camp there overnight. on a school night too. fun eh? (: this made me think, why would we wanna intentionally inflict pain on ourselves just for a few seconds of sad memories? it isn't worth it, but that's what i really want to do. just for one of my most respected teacher, i don't mind a little sacrifice.and i will cry too, i guarantee that.

i will experience two very painful losses this year. sigh. i wonder how much i can take. let's just wait and see.

love,
vicks


|

what did i do to deserve this? why did you have to go and delete my painstakingly typed entry??????

argh.

this is a bad day indeed.

i know i was guaranteed a fun time with hui and ying xiu during math remedial, laughin..but i cant hardly smile once again. im roaming school aimlessly nowadays with blank stares and hideous frowns. 52.52.52. everytime i resolve to give him up, he'll come shoving his way right into my life. this really sucks. was trying to mug in the library with my friends when he came strolling in, thus wrecking havoc in my heart. haha. it's that serious. there's so many things about him that i cant comprehend nor know. for example, despite how very friendly and charismatic he is, he's either alone or hanging around with girls nowadays. what, doesn't he has any guy friends?? it sorta hurts when i see him flirting around..am feeling a tinge of jealousy i admit. *sigh* he stayed in the library with his girl friends for a while, and when he left, i saw him glance at me. it should be a good thing under normal circumstances. but we have a very awkward situation between us. i realise it's really, absolutely impossible between us. i wont ever dare to make the first move, and i doubt im catching his eye too.

bloggy, i cant be with him. i cant. it's not meant to be. people say when you really want something, you'll get it eventually. ha! im scornful. how can i ever deserve perfection?

one-sided crushes only serve to destroy.

im sad, so outta my mind now. crushes, or maybe love, shouldn't be this painful. he's the only guy that means so much to me, and yet im granted with the grief of watching him leave. someday i know he'll meet some equally perfect girl and lead a happy life with her. and i can't even catch his eye..

he's become everything to me, as much as i tried to hide....will crying forever ease the pain? |

bloggy,
today was fun, fun , FUN! the ndc was splendid (councillors: well done!), and how i loved our class outing at sentosa! am very tired now, with aches all over my body, and it doesnt help that i hafta leave at dawn break (6pm) tomorrow to KL.

bah.

will leave the details of today till i come back!

lotsa love
vicks
|

"i miss you" by blink 182


hey, i've added a new song to my bloggy. wanted " 5 colors in her hair" by mcfly initially, but it's too cheery. which is a rather stark contrast to my current mood. shall save that fab song for another time, another mood. so, "i miss you" by blink 182 is perfect. so wonderfully sad lyrics and melancholic voices. haha. maybe i've inferred too much from a simple song..whatever.

hui gave me 52's photo today!!! man, i love this girl A LOT. i was screaming and skipping around like this raving lunatic right in the middle of the canteen! i didn't care what others thought, for it was pure ecstasy! yeah, i did think that having his photo makes me wanna look at it everyday, and that only worsens my addiction of him...but, it makes me happy! at least i finally have a tiny weeny bit of him now. ha. how pathetic i must sound.

maybe it's the rainy day, maybe it's stress, maybe it's the recurring thought that it's really impossible between us, that i feel like crying now. the song isn't helping much, it makes me so damn depressed, but it sorta liberates me. sadness liberates, it's an addiction..well that's a saying from an insane sadist ( ie me). i like being sad for it makes me think and grow up. but sometimes, the pain gets to much to bear, and i'd wish like dying instead. bah.

"i miss you"...i think i miss 52, for some crazy reason cuz i've just seen his back today. you see how obsessed i am? im sad ):

love,
vicks
|

about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


archives
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007