After every meal, I experience this sharp stinging pain in the pits of my stomach. It's like a big fat syringe is constantly being plunged and then pulled out of my tummy. So I havent been eating much lately (tho still as horrendously fat as ever)
And now I have fever.
How great. Considering tomorrow's my last shot at the dreaded SBJ. Am I really destined for failure in that ONE FRICKIN station all my life? Dammit.
Ah, just let tomorrow be over, and then I'll leave this hell for a few days. Goody. Anywhere other than here would make me a happy girl.
And now I have fever.
How great. Considering tomorrow's my last shot at the dreaded SBJ. Am I really destined for failure in that ONE FRICKIN station all my life? Dammit.
Ah, just let tomorrow be over, and then I'll leave this hell for a few days. Goody. Anywhere other than here would make me a happy girl.
dysphoria came at 9:27 PM
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You Know You're Over Him When...
- You stop viewing his Friendster profile everyday.
- The ringing of his name, or the likes, doesnt send your heart thump-a-thumpin furiously.
- His photos, once your most prized collection ever, are buried at an insignificant corner. As much as you try, you cant remember where it is.
- Even if you did, you're to lazy to search for them under those piles of paper.
- Melancholic songs stop reminding you of him.
- Your MSN nicks dont refer blatantly/subtlely to him no more.
- You start eyeing other equally lust-worthy objects around you.
Psst!! I think the Chem relief teacher is really cute!! Then again, almost every girl in class is attracted to him, so yeah- he's a big flirt. Hoho. But intelligence, cuteness, and the old-school appeal of a teacher is undeniably irresistable (: Being "liberated" from heartaches of the past makes me do (and say) crazy things all over again.
The Star
Vee: Look! He autographed all our assignments!
Nan: *silence*
Vee: Can I frame it up or something? And look at his comments! Whoa! Such CUTE handwriting!
Nan: Yeah, he likes me leh. At least he doesnt bother writing MY comments in point form. But he does so for all of yours.
Jas: No, he likes me! Look, he cancelled at word here..that means he spent more time on my assignment.
Vee: *pouts, as she has nothing extraordinary to show off*
The Star Encounter
Vee: Mr Tan! *collapse in giggles*
B.T: *arrives with quizzical look on his face*
Vee: What does polarity mean? (in an extra soft voice, as it's embarassing not to know something that everyone else does)
Vee: You see, why is the answer for question 2 D, and not A?
B.T: You're right. Strike out D. A is the answer.
Vee: *turns to Nan* Wow! I didnt know he wants to appease me SO much! *infinite giggling again*
The Star Attraction
B.T: So who knows the answer?
B.T: Victoria? *deliberately walks behind me*
Vee: *thinking that he doesnt know who she is, makes a big fuss* Oh shit! I dunno! How Nan?! HELPP!
B.T: *seats himself on a stool opposite her, staring expectantly.* (Oh, he was SMILING TOO!)
Vee: *stops looking at him, and at the paper* I.....I dunno leh!
B.T: Ok, so does anyone have any suggestions...yada yada yada..
Vee: Nan, he remembers my name!!! *flashes a megawatt smile at him*
B.T: *stares back quizzically* (i think "quizzical" is his fave expression!)
I think carefree times like this make me happy as a lark. At least freedom sets the heart singing and flying...
dysphoria came at 8:04 PM
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Vic: -heart-
Tay: -heart-
Tay: -kiss-
Vic: -kiss-
Tay: WAH! -blush-
Vic: Just returning the courtesy.
Heh.
I know you still keep me in your mind from time to time. Just a lil more care boy..just a lil more, and we'd have a sweet, old friendship worth remembering.
Tay: -heart-
Tay: -kiss-
Vic: -kiss-
Tay: WAH! -blush-
Vic: Just returning the courtesy.
Heh.
I know you still keep me in your mind from time to time. Just a lil more care boy..just a lil more, and we'd have a sweet, old friendship worth remembering.
dysphoria came at 10:39 PM
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Insipidity.
After weeks of slogging, dedicating our energy, heart and soul into SYF, it feels SO liberating to be able to rush home right after school.
While it's good to be busy and having maximum fun at the same time, Vic realised age has caught up with her. She can no longer stay up the whole day with barely 5 hours of sleep from the previous night. She dozes off during tutorials, and when the bell rings, she jolts up, feeling the quiet disappointment of her tutors boring into her heart. Yeah, it's true to be constantly engaged in meaningful activities, for these are the only memories that will last (besides friendship and crushes of course) after the dreaded graduation.
Right now, she's contented with sufficient sleep, cheerful disposition and constant alertness. Who gives a damn about leading a fulfilling life? The weekly shopping trips/meet-up-with-buddies session would suffice. Simplicity is the form of happiness she has been lusting after.
After weeks of slogging, dedicating our energy, heart and soul into SYF, it feels SO liberating to be able to rush home right after school.
While it's good to be busy and having maximum fun at the same time, Vic realised age has caught up with her. She can no longer stay up the whole day with barely 5 hours of sleep from the previous night. She dozes off during tutorials, and when the bell rings, she jolts up, feeling the quiet disappointment of her tutors boring into her heart. Yeah, it's true to be constantly engaged in meaningful activities, for these are the only memories that will last (besides friendship and crushes of course) after the dreaded graduation.
Right now, she's contented with sufficient sleep, cheerful disposition and constant alertness. Who gives a damn about leading a fulfilling life? The weekly shopping trips/meet-up-with-buddies session would suffice. Simplicity is the form of happiness she has been lusting after.
dysphoria came at 8:34 PM
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Dear Sista,
I've been missing you so much these days. School's more hellish (yes, it can get worse) without all the laughter, smiles, joy and wonderful company you've provided me with.
When a Banana's down, the rest of the bunch is down as well.
Been sorta empty, and a lil lonely- because when someone is so deeply integrated into your life, and hence becomes an essential part of it, the absence is more profound then ever. Though we'd bicker and disagree at times (occasionally only!), I think you're the only one who shares the exact same sense of humour, most character traits and mentality as me. Without such an ardent supporter, someone who helps me through dreadful school days-Vic is nothing. Heh.
Love you LOADS AND LOADS SIS. Please take care, and come back soon. We all want you back so dreadfully....
Love,
Your fellow Speedo Sis.
I've been missing you so much these days. School's more hellish (yes, it can get worse) without all the laughter, smiles, joy and wonderful company you've provided me with.
When a Banana's down, the rest of the bunch is down as well.
Been sorta empty, and a lil lonely- because when someone is so deeply integrated into your life, and hence becomes an essential part of it, the absence is more profound then ever. Though we'd bicker and disagree at times (occasionally only!), I think you're the only one who shares the exact same sense of humour, most character traits and mentality as me. Without such an ardent supporter, someone who helps me through dreadful school days-Vic is nothing. Heh.
Love you LOADS AND LOADS SIS. Please take care, and come back soon. We all want you back so dreadfully....
Love,
Your fellow Speedo Sis.
dysphoria came at 11:02 PM
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-major ranting and occasional gushing ALERT!-
"Wouldnt It Be Nice" (-The Beach Boys)
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
That's the best song in the world guys! Heh, at least to me it is. Make sure you all get the mp3 from me k...it's nice to spread joy and love around. (:
And Im unusually hyper and fidgedty. My heart's fluttering like an excited moth's wings and I can practically sense the little spurts adrenaline coursing through my veins. All that, even though I only had a glimpse of Little today. Ah whatever.....the song's shall be named after him as of now. My fave song, to that fave heart-throb.
Havent realised he was hot property till today, when Rena told me a few RGS girls asked him for his number after our performance. Hello? I thought I have the weirdest taste in the world (save for 52, whom's an extremely lusted-after object himself), and suddenly I have hordes of pubscent, giggly teens as my competitors? Ah, maybe I've lost out on this mindless chase already, since he supposedly has the hots for this particular RGS girl. My ego has taken a really bad bruising really, considering that Im the one closer to his age, and we meet each other SO DAMN OFTEN. Whatever happened to the fact that going through thick and thin together will pull people together? We arent an inch closer from the way-too-polite distance we've kept since last year. And he sees my back everyday for the past week, 4hours straight. Plus my Diagonal Theory fits in so perfectly.
Which makes me wonder, are girls from non-coed school really THAT desirable? Or maybe it's simply because Im not a Malay. The prevalence of racial discrimination ensure constant bedlam in the flowerbeds of peace. The peace of my heart, and mind. Because of something that's outta my choice, he wont even glance at me. Oh let me correct that. He glanced so many frickin times you'd think something would eventually happen between us. Hohoho. The only nice thing that happened, I ruined it immediately.
Little is THAT desirable. Period.
"Wouldnt It Be Nice" (-The Beach Boys)
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
That's the best song in the world guys! Heh, at least to me it is. Make sure you all get the mp3 from me k...it's nice to spread joy and love around. (:
And Im unusually hyper and fidgedty. My heart's fluttering like an excited moth's wings and I can practically sense the little spurts adrenaline coursing through my veins. All that, even though I only had a glimpse of Little today. Ah whatever.....the song's shall be named after him as of now. My fave song, to that fave heart-throb.
Havent realised he was hot property till today, when Rena told me a few RGS girls asked him for his number after our performance. Hello? I thought I have the weirdest taste in the world (save for 52, whom's an extremely lusted-after object himself), and suddenly I have hordes of pubscent, giggly teens as my competitors? Ah, maybe I've lost out on this mindless chase already, since he supposedly has the hots for this particular RGS girl. My ego has taken a really bad bruising really, considering that Im the one closer to his age, and we meet each other SO DAMN OFTEN. Whatever happened to the fact that going through thick and thin together will pull people together? We arent an inch closer from the way-too-polite distance we've kept since last year. And he sees my back everyday for the past week, 4hours straight. Plus my Diagonal Theory fits in so perfectly.
Which makes me wonder, are girls from non-coed school really THAT desirable? Or maybe it's simply because Im not a Malay. The prevalence of racial discrimination ensure constant bedlam in the flowerbeds of peace. The peace of my heart, and mind. Because of something that's outta my choice, he wont even glance at me. Oh let me correct that. He glanced so many frickin times you'd think something would eventually happen between us. Hohoho. The only nice thing that happened, I ruined it immediately.
Little is THAT desirable. Period.
dysphoria came at 7:53 PM
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Excessive blogging signals distress symptoms.
Im so horribly filled with regret, Im gonna have trouble turning in tonight. And it's actually nice thinking about Little, and all the times we had carefully avoiding each other gazes.
Incompatibility only breeds pure pain. But will the heart listen? Apparently not. Im a girl, I follow my heart, not my head. And the heart is saying, "I want him badly now."
Im so horribly filled with regret, Im gonna have trouble turning in tonight. And it's actually nice thinking about Little, and all the times we had carefully avoiding each other gazes.
Incompatibility only breeds pure pain. But will the heart listen? Apparently not. Im a girl, I follow my heart, not my head. And the heart is saying, "I want him badly now."
dysphoria came at 11:35 PM
|
Thank you people, for all that well-wishes and congratulations.
Hoho. I honestly didnt expect this many people to be this concerned.
This makes me a very happy girl today. I love my friends. From them, I draw all my courage, faith and hope.
To have all the nicest people in the world caring about me, makes me a very lucky girl. I appreciate that really ((:
Hoho. I honestly didnt expect this many people to be this concerned.
This makes me a very happy girl today. I love my friends. From them, I draw all my courage, faith and hope.
To have all the nicest people in the world caring about me, makes me a very lucky girl. I appreciate that really ((:
dysphoria came at 10:01 PM
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A New High.
Gold.
Im truly satisfied, contented and joyous. I know I didnt exactly went crazy when the results was announced. I know I'm too ambitious to expect a Gold (with honours)...but it's ok people. Now that the fact has sank in, Im bathing in the full glory of the pride, the fact that our sweat, blood and tears finally paid off.
I feel so proud of this CCA, this unique bond that we share (though it isnt exactly close), and the very very fun moments we had. I even love irritating people like FW and the 5Fs for without them, I would have died of boredom during the dreadful practices.
We owe our Gold to Zul. Really, he's the best instructor we can ever ask for. Talented, deeply passionate, patient, caring and very humourous! I love him- we all do. There's this tiny part of me that feels disappointed because we didnt do him proud enough by getting honours, but hey..he knew we tried our best. And during that judging, the smile I kept on throughout was deep down from the heart, because his gaze makes me happy (: His dance is funky, his gestures are quirky and wild...but his smile is damn charming. After all these months, he has earned my utmost respect.
And Little. I cant deny the attraction. But you see, the moment our eyes met (for about a million times today), I'd turn away immediately. I lack so much self-confidence, I cannot bare to face the people I like. It's the same with 52. Blah. Nan said I disappointed him greatly when he said "Bye!" to us when walking to the bus-stop, and I didnt respond. I know he's a shy boy, and it takes a lot for him to initiate conversation. Im killing myself now for ignoring him...but you really gotta understand, Im too afraid to face him. I trembled so greatly when I was outta his sight, I spent 5 minutes looking for my EZ link card to tap. That's how much he unnerves me, or maybe how great the attraction is.
He's a malay. A muslim. And Im totally against conversion of religion. And he reputedly likes this malay RGS girl. We all know how malay girls have the best features and some can even pass off as pan-asians. They're way prettier than chinese. So why does my heart keep going for the impossible??
"It's all about you, you, you. You only want what you cannot have."
Summer Roberts to Seth Cohen
-The OC-
I think after this incident, he'll never talk to me again, It's all my fault for being such a scaredy-cat. Sigh. Sometimes just liking someone aint enough. You gotta be more thick-skinned and express it, especially when you're a weird girl like me who has tendencies to fall for shy boys.
What should I do? There's really this something between us. I dont want to let it dissipate forever. And maybe I should add that this is a long-standing minor crush that morphed into a major one since this year. Hoho. You remember the veins and bones fetish? He made me realise how much I like that, and how HOT he is.
Zal, Im sorry I was so scared of you. Im hoping, hoping so much that you arent actually offended by my fake nonchalence. I do care about what you think of me. That is why I was so uneasy when Zul positioned you right behind me for SYF. You could see me, but I cant. I'll say "Hi" the next time we meet, I promise. (:
Gold.
Im truly satisfied, contented and joyous. I know I didnt exactly went crazy when the results was announced. I know I'm too ambitious to expect a Gold (with honours)...but it's ok people. Now that the fact has sank in, Im bathing in the full glory of the pride, the fact that our sweat, blood and tears finally paid off.
I feel so proud of this CCA, this unique bond that we share (though it isnt exactly close), and the very very fun moments we had. I even love irritating people like FW and the 5Fs for without them, I would have died of boredom during the dreadful practices.
We owe our Gold to Zul. Really, he's the best instructor we can ever ask for. Talented, deeply passionate, patient, caring and very humourous! I love him- we all do. There's this tiny part of me that feels disappointed because we didnt do him proud enough by getting honours, but hey..he knew we tried our best. And during that judging, the smile I kept on throughout was deep down from the heart, because his gaze makes me happy (: His dance is funky, his gestures are quirky and wild...but his smile is damn charming. After all these months, he has earned my utmost respect.
And Little. I cant deny the attraction. But you see, the moment our eyes met (for about a million times today), I'd turn away immediately. I lack so much self-confidence, I cannot bare to face the people I like. It's the same with 52. Blah. Nan said I disappointed him greatly when he said "Bye!" to us when walking to the bus-stop, and I didnt respond. I know he's a shy boy, and it takes a lot for him to initiate conversation. Im killing myself now for ignoring him...but you really gotta understand, Im too afraid to face him. I trembled so greatly when I was outta his sight, I spent 5 minutes looking for my EZ link card to tap. That's how much he unnerves me, or maybe how great the attraction is.
He's a malay. A muslim. And Im totally against conversion of religion. And he reputedly likes this malay RGS girl. We all know how malay girls have the best features and some can even pass off as pan-asians. They're way prettier than chinese. So why does my heart keep going for the impossible??
"It's all about you, you, you. You only want what you cannot have."
Summer Roberts to Seth Cohen
-The OC-
I think after this incident, he'll never talk to me again, It's all my fault for being such a scaredy-cat. Sigh. Sometimes just liking someone aint enough. You gotta be more thick-skinned and express it, especially when you're a weird girl like me who has tendencies to fall for shy boys.
What should I do? There's really this something between us. I dont want to let it dissipate forever. And maybe I should add that this is a long-standing minor crush that morphed into a major one since this year. Hoho. You remember the veins and bones fetish? He made me realise how much I like that, and how HOT he is.
Zal, Im sorry I was so scared of you. Im hoping, hoping so much that you arent actually offended by my fake nonchalence. I do care about what you think of me. That is why I was so uneasy when Zul positioned you right behind me for SYF. You could see me, but I cant. I'll say "Hi" the next time we meet, I promise. (:
dysphoria came at 9:33 PM
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Hard to Please.
Is it just me, or do all girls abhor guys who are over-affectionate?
I mean, dispensing words like "Darling" and "My dear girl" at ease, like you're really his girl? It takes all my courage not to run away and shrink into my shell. *shivers uncontrollably* And it doesnt help that he isnt exactly a close friend too.
"I like you! It's addictive talking to you..lol. Oh dear, I better rid myself of this obsession soon."
God, is that scary, or just plain petrifying? Excuse me while I hurl.
But lets think of it the other way. I'd die for Fifi, and some other guys (wont mention their names for fear of more scandals. Lol.) to show more care and concern. You know, I still remember the day when Fi finally said "Love you" or something along the lines. Hoho. The moment the precious words rolled outta his lips, everything glowed in the most beautiful shade, my heart fluttered, and true happiness was attained. Heh. That was 2 years ago.
You see, I appreciate it when the select few do profess their affections. It'll make my day greatly, and I'll love them even more for it. Sometimes just a "Miss you!" would do fine. Only drawback-the guys Im close to are either painfully shy, quiet or too conservative for the liberal Vic. So more than often, I'll be the one guessing and assuming whether I, or the friendship means anything to them.
Im hard to please. All girls are, but I think Im the worst. Everyone agrees Im too opinionated, weird, stubborn and picky. Maybe that's why I lead a hard life, maybe that's why Im "hard to love".
Is it just me, or do all girls abhor guys who are over-affectionate?
I mean, dispensing words like "Darling" and "My dear girl" at ease, like you're really his girl? It takes all my courage not to run away and shrink into my shell. *shivers uncontrollably* And it doesnt help that he isnt exactly a close friend too.
"I like you! It's addictive talking to you..lol. Oh dear, I better rid myself of this obsession soon."
God, is that scary, or just plain petrifying? Excuse me while I hurl.
But lets think of it the other way. I'd die for Fifi, and some other guys (wont mention their names for fear of more scandals. Lol.) to show more care and concern. You know, I still remember the day when Fi finally said "Love you" or something along the lines. Hoho. The moment the precious words rolled outta his lips, everything glowed in the most beautiful shade, my heart fluttered, and true happiness was attained. Heh. That was 2 years ago.
You see, I appreciate it when the select few do profess their affections. It'll make my day greatly, and I'll love them even more for it. Sometimes just a "Miss you!" would do fine. Only drawback-the guys Im close to are either painfully shy, quiet or too conservative for the liberal Vic. So more than often, I'll be the one guessing and assuming whether I, or the friendship means anything to them.
Im hard to please. All girls are, but I think Im the worst. Everyone agrees Im too opinionated, weird, stubborn and picky. Maybe that's why I lead a hard life, maybe that's why Im "hard to love".
dysphoria came at 9:51 PM
|
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live
If one day I wake up and reckon I know the particular person I want..then what? All that crazy crushing and obessesing again? No no, the heart is too wreary and weak for that kinda life-shattering pain. I've become petrified of devotion, commitment and showering affections.
But what if that day is today? What if it's him I want security, peace and hope from?
Maybe it's just his smile that bewitched me. A smile dear, a mere smile. But that charm, that intellect, that wit, the way he glances at me ever so frequently but subtlely..I cant stop myself from falling prey to that. And you know what? Im actually looking forward to school, because I get to bicker with him. Verbal sparring turns me on like no other. Heh.
We'll just wait and see. No more crazy screaming and furious blushing whenever the Special One strolls past. I'll be passive and see if the boy's worth it. (:
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live
If one day I wake up and reckon I know the particular person I want..then what? All that crazy crushing and obessesing again? No no, the heart is too wreary and weak for that kinda life-shattering pain. I've become petrified of devotion, commitment and showering affections.
But what if that day is today? What if it's him I want security, peace and hope from?
Maybe it's just his smile that bewitched me. A smile dear, a mere smile. But that charm, that intellect, that wit, the way he glances at me ever so frequently but subtlely..I cant stop myself from falling prey to that. And you know what? Im actually looking forward to school, because I get to bicker with him. Verbal sparring turns me on like no other. Heh.
We'll just wait and see. No more crazy screaming and furious blushing whenever the Special One strolls past. I'll be passive and see if the boy's worth it. (:
dysphoria came at 3:40 PM
|
Instant Heart Tonic
So many resemblances to 52, yet so hot in his own way. He drives me crazy, and the only reason why I'm glued to crap like The OC every Thurs.
For memory's sake? (think TTY). Heh, no. One of the hottest Asian guy. Period.
Double whammy!! Though I'd have Shawn over Edison anytime please. He's NOT a bad boy. Just misunderstood. Beneath that quiet facade, lies the most incredible charisma ever. The other Asian guy who's hot.
Dearest Jude, forget Sienna. She knows no beauty. I do.
This is clearly an air-head post. Lol. My blog severely lacks happy stuffs. Was hoping this would brighten up my world, and maybe yours too. (:
So many resemblances to 52, yet so hot in his own way. He drives me crazy, and the only reason why I'm glued to crap like The OC every Thurs.
For memory's sake? (think TTY). Heh, no. One of the hottest Asian guy. Period.
Double whammy!! Though I'd have Shawn over Edison anytime please. He's NOT a bad boy. Just misunderstood. Beneath that quiet facade, lies the most incredible charisma ever. The other Asian guy who's hot.
Dearest Jude, forget Sienna. She knows no beauty. I do.
This is clearly an air-head post. Lol. My blog severely lacks happy stuffs. Was hoping this would brighten up my world, and maybe yours too. (:
dysphoria came at 12:08 AM
|
Whims are her forte
Vic is a commiment-phobe. And yet she needs constant, unwavering love.
To put it simply, she leeches on love. What a selfish, destructive freak.
52 and all that mindless, crazy love has exhausted all her courage. She needs time to replenish her emotions, strength and bravery.
Somtimes, rejection pains her so much, she'd rather be the one being rejected. She'd rather live with a shattered pride, broken heart and most possibly tainted soul than to make another cry. She blames life for compelling her to make rejections ever so often. Sometimes, even saying "No" to lunch with the oldest friend, makes her upset for the entire day-though the choice was outta her hands.
Guilt is a slow, painful death.
She loves all the weird people. But she wonders, can 2 weird people love each other? There was one, who came to her concert, and showered her with the sweetest compliments. It moved her immensely, because she never knew he cared that much. And it was such a pleasant surprise that he came to watch her. He understood some of her darkest traits which no one else could. She loved him just because he was such an awesome friend. Deep, philosophical, wise, mature and kind. But why detour from such a beautiful friendship when they could live with that forever? Why take the risk and traverse unknown grounds? What if weird people love weirdly, and a doomed relationship is the only consequence? So she shied away from him. They drifted, and talked only superficial stuffs now. He doesnt even want to meet up. Heh, maybe he fears her weird, morbid thoughts and frivolous nature. So that's the end of a 6 year-old friendship. Too short a period for fermenting good wine, but way too precious to the heart.
That was perhaps the worst experience. She should have learnt that lesson after a particularly dreadful time in the past. Allowing a relationship to sour and ferment was ruthless. Putting a stopper to it would be the quickless, most painless death--she did that eventually, but pain was already inflicted during her hem-and-hawing. However, she still doesnt want to be the hardened, world-wreary person. She doesnt want to be immuned to pain and sadness. So, rejection will forever distraught her to no end.
This posts holds no implied meaning whatsoever. Dont attempt to read between the lines, for there's no hidden secrets. I've always blogged my heart out with no holds barred. Just been really lost and confused lately. But it's always better than sobbing and frowning over 52. It's a phase of recovery..and at least, I've realised he isnt the only guy around. *wink, wink*
Hoho.
Just pray for me, that I'll discover what my heart wants soon. What's good for the heart isnt always what it desires. So I need time...precious, eternal time.
Vic is a commiment-phobe. And yet she needs constant, unwavering love.
To put it simply, she leeches on love. What a selfish, destructive freak.
52 and all that mindless, crazy love has exhausted all her courage. She needs time to replenish her emotions, strength and bravery.
Somtimes, rejection pains her so much, she'd rather be the one being rejected. She'd rather live with a shattered pride, broken heart and most possibly tainted soul than to make another cry. She blames life for compelling her to make rejections ever so often. Sometimes, even saying "No" to lunch with the oldest friend, makes her upset for the entire day-though the choice was outta her hands.
Guilt is a slow, painful death.
She loves all the weird people. But she wonders, can 2 weird people love each other? There was one, who came to her concert, and showered her with the sweetest compliments. It moved her immensely, because she never knew he cared that much. And it was such a pleasant surprise that he came to watch her. He understood some of her darkest traits which no one else could. She loved him just because he was such an awesome friend. Deep, philosophical, wise, mature and kind. But why detour from such a beautiful friendship when they could live with that forever? Why take the risk and traverse unknown grounds? What if weird people love weirdly, and a doomed relationship is the only consequence? So she shied away from him. They drifted, and talked only superficial stuffs now. He doesnt even want to meet up. Heh, maybe he fears her weird, morbid thoughts and frivolous nature. So that's the end of a 6 year-old friendship. Too short a period for fermenting good wine, but way too precious to the heart.
That was perhaps the worst experience. She should have learnt that lesson after a particularly dreadful time in the past. Allowing a relationship to sour and ferment was ruthless. Putting a stopper to it would be the quickless, most painless death--she did that eventually, but pain was already inflicted during her hem-and-hawing. However, she still doesnt want to be the hardened, world-wreary person. She doesnt want to be immuned to pain and sadness. So, rejection will forever distraught her to no end.
This posts holds no implied meaning whatsoever. Dont attempt to read between the lines, for there's no hidden secrets. I've always blogged my heart out with no holds barred. Just been really lost and confused lately. But it's always better than sobbing and frowning over 52. It's a phase of recovery..and at least, I've realised he isnt the only guy around. *wink, wink*
Hoho.
Just pray for me, that I'll discover what my heart wants soon. What's good for the heart isnt always what it desires. So I need time...precious, eternal time.
dysphoria came at 11:21 PM
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I Want Little to be Solely Mine.
M calls MY Little "Bubbles". Gosh, is that a stupid name, or an inanely mindless one?
But I guess it shows that they're close enough to be teasing/fooling around.
I know I know. I've said I want nothing serious until I've had some peace of mind, and maybe have a lil taste of the purest joy without love. But among all the fatal attractions I have, Im most attached to Little. He's my kinda hot. Unconventional sexiness, subtle charm, lanky toned bod, burning passion for his drum, irresistable talent for beats...
I have a fetish for bones and veins. Especially when they're on the forearms. It makes me stare and stare and stare and eventually wanna take a bite. Lanky boys with bony forearms, and bluish veins trailing along the length are damn HOT dont you think? And Little is one of the very special few who has that. And when he hits the drums, his muscle flexes, and the bones protrude from his chocolatey skin. It gets me crazy just watching him do his stuff....and you know what? The entire CCA will never survive without him (: And so will I. Heh.
Plus, he's very very boyish. He's the michievious, playful type who goofs around with his close friends. Rather child-like at times, but it's endearing! I smile to myself when he laughs, feel that horrid wrench when they tease him about his non-existent RGS-girl and feel darn proud of him sometimes. The only drawback? We've never spoken a word to each other.
He's shy around acquintances. Im not-but well, we all know how painfully bashful I become when it comes to someone I fancy. As such, the closest, most greatly cherished form of contact we have would be the numerous gazes during practice. Ok, at least he looks at me when 52 doesnt. Heh.
I want Little. I dont wanna share him with M.
M calls MY Little "Bubbles". Gosh, is that a stupid name, or an inanely mindless one?
But I guess it shows that they're close enough to be teasing/fooling around.
I know I know. I've said I want nothing serious until I've had some peace of mind, and maybe have a lil taste of the purest joy without love. But among all the fatal attractions I have, Im most attached to Little. He's my kinda hot. Unconventional sexiness, subtle charm, lanky toned bod, burning passion for his drum, irresistable talent for beats...
I have a fetish for bones and veins. Especially when they're on the forearms. It makes me stare and stare and stare and eventually wanna take a bite. Lanky boys with bony forearms, and bluish veins trailing along the length are damn HOT dont you think? And Little is one of the very special few who has that. And when he hits the drums, his muscle flexes, and the bones protrude from his chocolatey skin. It gets me crazy just watching him do his stuff....and you know what? The entire CCA will never survive without him (: And so will I. Heh.
Plus, he's very very boyish. He's the michievious, playful type who goofs around with his close friends. Rather child-like at times, but it's endearing! I smile to myself when he laughs, feel that horrid wrench when they tease him about his non-existent RGS-girl and feel darn proud of him sometimes. The only drawback? We've never spoken a word to each other.
He's shy around acquintances. Im not-but well, we all know how painfully bashful I become when it comes to someone I fancy. As such, the closest, most greatly cherished form of contact we have would be the numerous gazes during practice. Ok, at least he looks at me when 52 doesnt. Heh.
I want Little. I dont wanna share him with M.
dysphoria came at 11:55 PM
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I must profess my undying love for my CCA. The fulfilment it gives me is comparable to what NP provides, because there isnt a time where we arent tickled by FW's undecipherable accented "Englissss", inspired by the OH-SO-DAMN-CHARISMATIC AND UNDERSTANING AND LOVING AND CARING ZUL, digusted by 5 F's antics and speeches that refuse to end, and the happy bonding time with the juniors.
I guess the main reason why Im smiling so much lately would be due to the sweet memories of it. 3-4 hours of practices a day, everyday. It's tiring to the max no doubt, but when I look back at my JC life, CCA days would always be the most exicting, fun-filled ones.
SYF's impending quick as a flash. We're all hoping with all our heart we'll get Gold with HONOURS! Zul wants it badly himself, and no one can bare to disappoint him-not after all the patience, love and efforts he dedicated to us. I hope we get it. I really really want it badly myself.
People, please pray/hope/wish for us....for I think we truly deserve it, after all the months of tears, sweat and blood (literally!!).
I guess the main reason why Im smiling so much lately would be due to the sweet memories of it. 3-4 hours of practices a day, everyday. It's tiring to the max no doubt, but when I look back at my JC life, CCA days would always be the most exicting, fun-filled ones.
SYF's impending quick as a flash. We're all hoping with all our heart we'll get Gold with HONOURS! Zul wants it badly himself, and no one can bare to disappoint him-not after all the patience, love and efforts he dedicated to us. I hope we get it. I really really want it badly myself.
People, please pray/hope/wish for us....for I think we truly deserve it, after all the months of tears, sweat and blood (literally!!).
dysphoria came at 8:49 PM
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Bah.
Reasons to be happy:
Reasons to be happy:
- Went for a walk with sista during council elections speeches. Was rather alert during the first half, and enjoyed it quite a bit--criticising, complaining and a lil swooning is always fun! Then, it was downhill after Bear-bear's speech. Hoho. Im clearly biased. Was reading my Teens mag outside the hall, when out came Monkey. I swore the gaze lasted more than 5 seconds! Finally, I couldnt bear with the awkward tension, and smiled. He smiled too!! As I turned back to face sista, my heart sang with the purest of joy (: I cant believe how I used to loathe him for that bickering incident, his mouth that never seems to be able to stop yakking...and now my day's decidedly a happy one just because I received a nice grin from him. Tra-lalaa!
- Im chatting with Tay now. God, I miss the boy. It's been 2 months without any exchange of SMS-es/chatting. He's nice, wise, knowledgeable, mature, lame, encouraging...and we're alike in many ways, so he understands me. He's a much better buddy than Fifi, but it's funny why our heart chooses to love the bad, and not the good sometimes.
Im happy, but darn exhausted. I didnt even care if some hooligans trailed me all the way outside the estate's gate. I didnt even look back when they called out and made horrible hooting noises. It's been twice this week already, except they're a different group of losers. Whatever. As long as they keep a safe distance, and dont lay their filthy fingers on me, I'll be kind and let it rest.
School has never been this tiring. I thank god Im not in a sports CCA- I'll never be able to survive the physical taxations. No energy for homework or tests now...I guess I'll just let it go this time. Bah. I've done my best, and ultimately it's the attitude that matters.
dysphoria came at 10:02 PM
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About Fidelity.
Remember I told you guys once I wanted to be an air stewardess, after being inspired (or maybe disillusioned) by her?
She's walking down the aisle tomorrow, perfect man in hand (or so it seems).
As I read about her preparations: photo-taking, Hen party etc, I wasnt entirely envious, but rather worried and skeptical. Unlike many girls, I've never really had plans for my own wedding. It just had to be somewhere away from this Hell--maybe at Central Park, but is that remotely possible? It's impossible to imagine myself in her shoes, because.....
I've morphed into a commitment-phobe. No faith in anything, not even in love and myself. Honestly, I simply cannot visualise spending a lifetime with the same guy, growing old together-and the what-nots. Im so terrified I'll be sick of the mundane daily routines we'll share, and get frustrated and picky at the things The Significant Other does. His endearing tics would become annoying, I'd hate him for being weird and un-readable-which was the reason why I would marry anyone in the first place, his behaviour-no matter how sweet nor affectionate, would piss me off just the same.
It's almost like my life in this Hell. Overheard Mummy's convo with Daddy last night over the phone. She said, " You know your daughter, and how incredibly stubborn she is. She's been wanting to leave Singapore since primary school. She can never live here already lah. And she will never attend a local uni." Gosh, I didnt know I had this crazy desire for more than half of my life already. It means I've been so sick of this Hell for-10 years maybe? Maybe this isnt a good example, because it wasnt the infidelity, but the stress and unfeeling people that drove me to up this route.
So, Im not longer the wide-eyed "I hope I'll get married by 23!" teen. Even the prospect of dating, you know, being with someone for a few weeks/months/years with almost the same expectations of loyalty and truthfulness, makes me cringe. Imagine how I was when I read thru Raihan's blog. I could so nearly feel my heart contracting with dread, my hands getting clammy from just reading about a wedding.
I wanna blame 52 for this drastic change. Is it really his evil doing though? He never knew about it. Ignorance=innocence. For all we know, fickle-mindedness might be inborne. I must be a matchstick in my past life. My heated passion, flaming enthusiasm only lasts less than a minute. The sole exception in my life would be 52 then. He'll last my entire lifetime.
This is just a phase I hope. Sigh. Meanwhile, I shall contend with deadly attractions, mind games and maybe a lil teasing/flirting---just nothing serious please.
Vic is happy. This is entry's no cause for concern really. It's nice to know there're many good boys around that I can be mildly attracted to. Hoho.
Remember I told you guys once I wanted to be an air stewardess, after being inspired (or maybe disillusioned) by her?
She's walking down the aisle tomorrow, perfect man in hand (or so it seems).
As I read about her preparations: photo-taking, Hen party etc, I wasnt entirely envious, but rather worried and skeptical. Unlike many girls, I've never really had plans for my own wedding. It just had to be somewhere away from this Hell--maybe at Central Park, but is that remotely possible? It's impossible to imagine myself in her shoes, because.....
I've morphed into a commitment-phobe. No faith in anything, not even in love and myself. Honestly, I simply cannot visualise spending a lifetime with the same guy, growing old together-and the what-nots. Im so terrified I'll be sick of the mundane daily routines we'll share, and get frustrated and picky at the things The Significant Other does. His endearing tics would become annoying, I'd hate him for being weird and un-readable-which was the reason why I would marry anyone in the first place, his behaviour-no matter how sweet nor affectionate, would piss me off just the same.
It's almost like my life in this Hell. Overheard Mummy's convo with Daddy last night over the phone. She said, " You know your daughter, and how incredibly stubborn she is. She's been wanting to leave Singapore since primary school. She can never live here already lah. And she will never attend a local uni." Gosh, I didnt know I had this crazy desire for more than half of my life already. It means I've been so sick of this Hell for-10 years maybe? Maybe this isnt a good example, because it wasnt the infidelity, but the stress and unfeeling people that drove me to up this route.
So, Im not longer the wide-eyed "I hope I'll get married by 23!" teen. Even the prospect of dating, you know, being with someone for a few weeks/months/years with almost the same expectations of loyalty and truthfulness, makes me cringe. Imagine how I was when I read thru Raihan's blog. I could so nearly feel my heart contracting with dread, my hands getting clammy from just reading about a wedding.
I wanna blame 52 for this drastic change. Is it really his evil doing though? He never knew about it. Ignorance=innocence. For all we know, fickle-mindedness might be inborne. I must be a matchstick in my past life. My heated passion, flaming enthusiasm only lasts less than a minute. The sole exception in my life would be 52 then. He'll last my entire lifetime.
This is just a phase I hope. Sigh. Meanwhile, I shall contend with deadly attractions, mind games and maybe a lil teasing/flirting---just nothing serious please.
Vic is happy. This is entry's no cause for concern really. It's nice to know there're many good boys around that I can be mildly attracted to. Hoho.
dysphoria came at 7:32 PM
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The Momster
Vee: Just leave me alone.
Mum: What are you so stressed about again?
Vee: Doesnt matter. You'll never understand.
Mum: You always say that. What is it? BGR? Shaun? (Yes, she knows about him) School?
Vee: *almost laughs out* Since when do I give a damn about relationships?
Mum: Then what? Tell me lah.
Vee: I wanna go New York. I need to. It's really my destiny.
Vee: *cue: burst into tears*
Mum: Ok, I'll call your Dad tomorrow and we'll see how first.
The tears and emotions were for real. It just takes a lil more persuasion and earnesty and determination each day to make Mum relent.
Dont you see? I NEED NEW YORK. A whole new, happier life is calling out to me halfway across the world, and who am I to resist the persistent temptations of a better world?
Edit:
ALRIGHTY! I have a 90% chance of getting what I want now. Which is pretty good, considering the absolute "No" I was given, when I even came close to bringing up the topic of CU.
People, there's a glimmer of hope in my life after all. I've found my motivation, a new drive, a new goal in life now. I've never been happier, I tell you that. I seriously hope some complications/unforseen circumstances doesnt crop up and screw my whole life. Just have everything go on (I dont even mind if it's monotonous) normally till I get my A's results..and then Im outta here! ((:
Vee: Just leave me alone.
Mum: What are you so stressed about again?
Vee: Doesnt matter. You'll never understand.
Mum: You always say that. What is it? BGR? Shaun? (Yes, she knows about him) School?
Vee: *almost laughs out* Since when do I give a damn about relationships?
Mum: Then what? Tell me lah.
Vee: I wanna go New York. I need to. It's really my destiny.
Vee: *cue: burst into tears*
Mum: Ok, I'll call your Dad tomorrow and we'll see how first.
The tears and emotions were for real. It just takes a lil more persuasion and earnesty and determination each day to make Mum relent.
Dont you see? I NEED NEW YORK. A whole new, happier life is calling out to me halfway across the world, and who am I to resist the persistent temptations of a better world?
Edit:
ALRIGHTY! I have a 90% chance of getting what I want now. Which is pretty good, considering the absolute "No" I was given, when I even came close to bringing up the topic of CU.
People, there's a glimmer of hope in my life after all. I've found my motivation, a new drive, a new goal in life now. I've never been happier, I tell you that. I seriously hope some complications/unforseen circumstances doesnt crop up and screw my whole life. Just have everything go on (I dont even mind if it's monotonous) normally till I get my A's results..and then Im outta here! ((:
dysphoria came at 10:44 PM
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Monkey.
He smiled at me, thinking that I smiled at him (when it was actually a leftover smile, ie I just finished laughing from a joke a friend made.). The gaze got a lil too long and uncomfortable, so I waved, and he smiled even wider.
It SO made my day people! I know I once professed my hatred for him. But I didnt know that he was an intellectual half-anglophile (or maybe just a proficient linguist) until today. Intellect and good English are major turn-ons. So, in terms of the Vic-radar, he's actually quite delectable.
Im unbelievably joyous. Monkey and Banana! We make the most ideal pair no?
Oh and not forgetting Little. But I seem to get fierce oppositions from the clique whenever I mention he's hot. Oh well. Now that 52's fading (very rapidly), I think I'll eventually find someone they'll all approve of. Lol.
But Little and Monkey are still the current faves (; A lil like "Current flavours of the month".Though Im not THAT fickle.
My exhaustion extends to even the bones. Im sorry I've been so mundane. I know, it gets excruciatingly boring when I read my own posts too...so, will make it up when I regain my vigour-AFTER SYF! God! You dunno how much Im looking forward to that day!
Love loads! (Im clearly in a good mood!!)
He smiled at me, thinking that I smiled at him (when it was actually a leftover smile, ie I just finished laughing from a joke a friend made.). The gaze got a lil too long and uncomfortable, so I waved, and he smiled even wider.
It SO made my day people! I know I once professed my hatred for him. But I didnt know that he was an intellectual half-anglophile (or maybe just a proficient linguist) until today. Intellect and good English are major turn-ons. So, in terms of the Vic-radar, he's actually quite delectable.
Im unbelievably joyous. Monkey and Banana! We make the most ideal pair no?
Oh and not forgetting Little. But I seem to get fierce oppositions from the clique whenever I mention he's hot. Oh well. Now that 52's fading (very rapidly), I think I'll eventually find someone they'll all approve of. Lol.
But Little and Monkey are still the current faves (; A lil like "Current flavours of the month".Though Im not THAT fickle.
My exhaustion extends to even the bones. Im sorry I've been so mundane. I know, it gets excruciatingly boring when I read my own posts too...so, will make it up when I regain my vigour-AFTER SYF! God! You dunno how much Im looking forward to that day!
Love loads! (Im clearly in a good mood!!)
dysphoria came at 9:23 PM
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Songs whirring in mah head.
After Shaun, I should have learnt never to dedicate songs after people. Because listening to them make me think of those people, and wish desperately that I have them always. And if the dearest ones arent with me, what would I do? I'd get all miserable and depressed, because I miss them, and listening to their songs bring back memories.
Why do I have such weird habits of naming songs after people I know? Why would I come up with such foolish ideas to inflict pain upon myself?
I think I miss you badly boy. Although I wouldnt admit it even at gun-point, because for some unknown reason, it embarasses me. Ah, maybe Im just too attached to thoughts of 52, that any form of straying from him would seem like betrayal. Would I be betraying him, if I ever move on? I really really cant stop thinking of it that way...It's like, he's become so tightly entwined with my screwed-up life, I cant just desert thoughts of him, and move on ruthlessly.
What the hell am Im blabbering about now.
After Shaun, I should have learnt never to dedicate songs after people. Because listening to them make me think of those people, and wish desperately that I have them always. And if the dearest ones arent with me, what would I do? I'd get all miserable and depressed, because I miss them, and listening to their songs bring back memories.
Why do I have such weird habits of naming songs after people I know? Why would I come up with such foolish ideas to inflict pain upon myself?
I think I miss you badly boy. Although I wouldnt admit it even at gun-point, because for some unknown reason, it embarasses me. Ah, maybe Im just too attached to thoughts of 52, that any form of straying from him would seem like betrayal. Would I be betraying him, if I ever move on? I really really cant stop thinking of it that way...It's like, he's become so tightly entwined with my screwed-up life, I cant just desert thoughts of him, and move on ruthlessly.
What the hell am Im blabbering about now.
dysphoria came at 8:14 PM
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You Make Me Wanna.
Dear Des,
My most cherished, one and only Des. I heard our song on radio, after 342353232 years, I finally heard it again.
You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night
You make me wanna hold you till the morning light,
You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall,
You make me wanna surrender my soul.
I know this is a feeling that I just can't fight,
You're the first and last thing on my mind
I was so shocked, I spilled milk all over my keyboards, resulting in a very angry Mum. I was so nostalgic, my nose actually hurt from all the efforts to stop tearing. The song, is an everlasting classic. I remember how you got my so crazy over Blue, especially Lee Ryan (he's still so cute now!! And I think Prince Harry resembles him more and more by the day. Heh.)
I miss you leh!! I dont msg you on MSN, because I did once, many months ago...and there was this painful, awkward tension between us, I'd rather not talk to you and be deluded by the impression that we're still best friends. I wont sms, because I saw you many months ago during my class outing at Harbour Front, I called out excitedly to you, and you merely nodded, "Hi Victoria...". I mean, if you dont even wanna talk to me, all the more you wont wanna reply my SMS-es. And YOU CALLED ME VICTORIA! Where's all the "Vic" I used to covet????
Are we really strangers now Des?
I stopped listening to our song ever since Ms Chan separated our seats. Do you still remember how badly my poor heart wrenched, I cried buckets right in front of the whole class? I couldnt bear to part with you and Chus, I couldnt let go of the HAPPIEST moments I had. I shed those tears over you, even though you betrayed me before.
Well I cant even find the burned Blue CD you gave me now. It's covered in dust, rotting somewhere amongst my vast collection of meaningless burnt CDs. I wont even remember you if not for the song.
I've been wondering lately, what kinda friendship is worth salvaging? Is ours worth going extra miles to maintain? What if I gave all my efforts, and it still comes to a naught?
What did our friendship mean to you?
Do I still matter to you?
Love loads,
Vic.
Dear Des,
My most cherished, one and only Des. I heard our song on radio, after 342353232 years, I finally heard it again.
You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night
You make me wanna hold you till the morning light,
You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall,
You make me wanna surrender my soul.
I know this is a feeling that I just can't fight,
You're the first and last thing on my mind
I was so shocked, I spilled milk all over my keyboards, resulting in a very angry Mum. I was so nostalgic, my nose actually hurt from all the efforts to stop tearing. The song, is an everlasting classic. I remember how you got my so crazy over Blue, especially Lee Ryan (he's still so cute now!! And I think Prince Harry resembles him more and more by the day. Heh.)
I miss you leh!! I dont msg you on MSN, because I did once, many months ago...and there was this painful, awkward tension between us, I'd rather not talk to you and be deluded by the impression that we're still best friends. I wont sms, because I saw you many months ago during my class outing at Harbour Front, I called out excitedly to you, and you merely nodded, "Hi Victoria...". I mean, if you dont even wanna talk to me, all the more you wont wanna reply my SMS-es. And YOU CALLED ME VICTORIA! Where's all the "Vic" I used to covet????
Are we really strangers now Des?
I stopped listening to our song ever since Ms Chan separated our seats. Do you still remember how badly my poor heart wrenched, I cried buckets right in front of the whole class? I couldnt bear to part with you and Chus, I couldnt let go of the HAPPIEST moments I had. I shed those tears over you, even though you betrayed me before.
Well I cant even find the burned Blue CD you gave me now. It's covered in dust, rotting somewhere amongst my vast collection of meaningless burnt CDs. I wont even remember you if not for the song.
I've been wondering lately, what kinda friendship is worth salvaging? Is ours worth going extra miles to maintain? What if I gave all my efforts, and it still comes to a naught?
What did our friendship mean to you?
Do I still matter to you?
Love loads,
Vic.
dysphoria came at 11:58 AM
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My Current Loves
- Little. God, HE'S HOT. Others might never agree with me, but as long as he sends my heart racing as fast as a Lamborghini, my palms palpitating, my mind reeling like it's gonna become a whirl of slushy grey...I love him. I love his sneer, his smirk, his oh-so-sweet and bashful smile. He's capable of many types of smile, you know that? And I love it when he looks over even when Im so far away. It's almost like the electrifying gaze could travel across the world just to reach me. Heh. I love it when he does smile subtlely at me. But the problem's me. It's pre-determined that I'll always be afraid to even speak to the guy Im attracted to. I cant even breathe properly when he's beside me. And he doesnt even talk to me, despite the gazes and smiles. Why oh why??
- The Cosy Corner. Visited that asylum again with Rena and Nan. Was raving to Rena about the really hilarious madwoman hours before we got there...but when we did, Rena merely shot me an exaxperated look. Alright alright. Maybe it's only me who gets hyped up just seeing her, but you know me. Im weird. And despite the really lousy atmosphere and decor and service, I was darn hyper and excited.
Convo 1:
Rena: "Why has she been laughing since the moment she stepped in?"
Nan: *too exasperated to explain*
Vic: "The mad woman....Hahahaha!"
Rena: *falls silent and leave me alone in my own laughter.
Convo 2:
Vic: "Why is even the shop's music THIS BAD?"
Rena: "I dont even understand what the person's singing."
Vic: "Is it trance? Moby?"
Nan: "NO! Probably some type of cult music the woman belong's too. Evil cult!"
Vic: "Well is this kinda song suppose to induce our appetite?!! HAHAHAHA"
Nan: "It's prolly some type of yoga music lah."
Vic: "Listen. The man's singing: I wanna fall in love!"
Vic: "I think it's those sorta depressive/ suicidal music!"
*silence as everyone leaves me in my laughter again.*
After a while, radio blares, "You're listening to Gold 90.5 FM!"
Convo 3:
Nan: "Look at how she treats other people! She's so nice to the boys lah!"
Vic: "Ya lor! I think she hates me!" *couldnt resist an onslaught of giggles*
Nan: "Who ask you to keep laughing at her!"
Rena: "Ya lah!"
Vic: "She's married leh!"
Nan: "Why cant she be married??"
Vic: *collapses in my own laughter*
Convo 4:
Vic: "I think she always spikes my food. That's why I get so hyper whenever Im here!"
Rena: "You're the only one who's this happy in this shop."
Vic: "I like this woman man!"
The woman in question is the most unruly, impolite, biased waitress I've ever met. She tickles me this much because I enjoy laughing at her. It's called revenge (albeit one in my own weird way.). Or maybe I always laugh because she really spikes my food. But whatever. My Cosy Corner makes me darn happy....and rest assured I'll be back for more!
3. CCA practice is damn often nowadays (practically everyday). And I love my CCA! We get bountiful laughter, coy teasings, and brazen flirtings. Nice nice. And every trip home at night, I'll meet funny people that sets me laughing into my own cranky world.
Let this happiness last please. At least for the next few months, then maybe I might finally leave with a good impression of Singapore. (:
dysphoria came at 12:22 AM
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Hey Boy,
As much as Im too shy to admit it, you actually hold an irreplaceable spot in my heart. We all know hearts aint all that big, and to even have a tiny weeny spot in mine (alongside 52 and fifi), I dare say you're an important figure.
The clique has sorta been forcing me to admit I like you. Heh. Maybe I do, maybe I dont.
Im really unsure of what I desire now. Love is cleary outta the question for the time being. Im worn out mentally and physically--dont need my emotions to go cranky on me too.
Maybe just some peace and quiet till all the sadness dies down. I've been quite happy lately. School's been funner than ever, especially when Im busy. Im too tired to brood on all things miserable, and thus the happy memories remain firmly implanted in my mind.
Little Mango says, "Fifi, Im worth 52 K!".
Im clearly a polygamist. Lol.
xo, Vic
As much as Im too shy to admit it, you actually hold an irreplaceable spot in my heart. We all know hearts aint all that big, and to even have a tiny weeny spot in mine (alongside 52 and fifi), I dare say you're an important figure.
The clique has sorta been forcing me to admit I like you. Heh. Maybe I do, maybe I dont.
Im really unsure of what I desire now. Love is cleary outta the question for the time being. Im worn out mentally and physically--dont need my emotions to go cranky on me too.
Maybe just some peace and quiet till all the sadness dies down. I've been quite happy lately. School's been funner than ever, especially when Im busy. Im too tired to brood on all things miserable, and thus the happy memories remain firmly implanted in my mind.
Little Mango says, "Fifi, Im worth 52 K!".
Im clearly a polygamist. Lol.
xo, Vic
dysphoria came at 11:53 PM
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Juicy Trotters.
If you didnt know one of the worst things NJ's notorious for is the colonies of mosquitoes that plague us everyday, now you do. I remember reading an article once that only people with high percentage of body fat, or sweat buckets, get more bites than the norm.
Well you know what? Since I wobble with fats with every step, and sweat at the slightest provocation/agitation, Im like the hottest property in NJ among those parasites. Im HOT. Hoho. At least there are living things that covet me.
There has been this bulging, angry red bite mark on my wrist for 2 days already. The swollen bite refuses to subside, and thus I cant even wear my watch at the usual position. During Chem prac, I was starving so badly (dont worry, the hunger's self-imposed), my wrist suddenly looked like the most succuclent, juciest, meatiest leg of ham ever.
Images of the wonderful Sec3 days replayed in my mind. Des and I used to bite each others arm whenever one of us was feeling down. The Madmen5 , especially him, Chus and I were so close then. He knew and understood me more than Fifi (though I obviously love Fifi more), and it's entirely because of him that I could survive dreadful Chinese lessons. Our loathe for Chinese was well-knowned, and every lesson would be spent plotting Anti-Chinese campaigns/riots. We were the butt of the teacher's jokes, but we didnt care-simply because we thought she was jealous of our happiness during mundane periods as such. He entertained me to no end, and I think I amused him in my own funny way too.
He was one of my best friends then. He's caring, helpful, goofy, and rather well-versed in English-but everyone's flawed. Betrayal drove us apart, and I swore the friendship will never return to it's full glory. The aftermath of betrayal of pain, pain and more pain. He couldnt understand love of course, and thus didnt see the extent of my suffering. How naive was I, to believe that a blabber-mouth like him could be trusted. But the days we had were still SO PRECIOUS. I believe those were the happiest moments of my secondary school life.
Des: What happened? Why so sad?
Vic: Im scared! I didnt do well for the test....
Des: Haiyo! Your "never do well" surely very good one.
Vic: No! It really sucks lah.
Vic: Sigh. Very sad
Des: Dont be lah.
Vic: Argh! *starts tearing* I wanna bite something.
Des: *shoves his forearm in front of me*. Nah! Bite lor.
Isnt that sweet? We're like lil barbarians who happen to be best of friends. And I believe it's darn hard to find another guy friend who would be as weird as me. I totally dig weird people!! (:
So today, I bit myself at the bite mark. I didnt feel my stress being alleviated though. Things can never be the same once the magic's gone. All that coursed through me was the glaring sense of emptiness and irritating pain. The pain of teeth against flesh, and the pain of separation.
Im missing my friends so much, Im trying all means to relive the old days. Yet, can they ever be the same again? Apparently not. If you're wondering why Im not doing anything to salvage the friendship with Des...I did. But ever since he betrayed me, and our teacher separated our seats (we created too much chaos when together), we drifted. Relationships are fragile as glass--very beautiful, but once broken, it's hard to return to the past glory.
I have many good friends yes, but I want the old ones too. Will they come back to me? Yeongtay? Des? Edwin? Fifi? Rong? Hester? Fiona? Lulu? Kel? It seems like we are but complete strangers now.
My friendships, like my loves, are Shakesperean tragedies.
If you didnt know one of the worst things NJ's notorious for is the colonies of mosquitoes that plague us everyday, now you do. I remember reading an article once that only people with high percentage of body fat, or sweat buckets, get more bites than the norm.
Well you know what? Since I wobble with fats with every step, and sweat at the slightest provocation/agitation, Im like the hottest property in NJ among those parasites. Im HOT. Hoho. At least there are living things that covet me.
There has been this bulging, angry red bite mark on my wrist for 2 days already. The swollen bite refuses to subside, and thus I cant even wear my watch at the usual position. During Chem prac, I was starving so badly (dont worry, the hunger's self-imposed), my wrist suddenly looked like the most succuclent, juciest, meatiest leg of ham ever.
Images of the wonderful Sec3 days replayed in my mind. Des and I used to bite each others arm whenever one of us was feeling down. The Madmen5 , especially him, Chus and I were so close then. He knew and understood me more than Fifi (though I obviously love Fifi more), and it's entirely because of him that I could survive dreadful Chinese lessons. Our loathe for Chinese was well-knowned, and every lesson would be spent plotting Anti-Chinese campaigns/riots. We were the butt of the teacher's jokes, but we didnt care-simply because we thought she was jealous of our happiness during mundane periods as such. He entertained me to no end, and I think I amused him in my own funny way too.
He was one of my best friends then. He's caring, helpful, goofy, and rather well-versed in English-but everyone's flawed. Betrayal drove us apart, and I swore the friendship will never return to it's full glory. The aftermath of betrayal of pain, pain and more pain. He couldnt understand love of course, and thus didnt see the extent of my suffering. How naive was I, to believe that a blabber-mouth like him could be trusted. But the days we had were still SO PRECIOUS. I believe those were the happiest moments of my secondary school life.
Des: What happened? Why so sad?
Vic: Im scared! I didnt do well for the test....
Des: Haiyo! Your "never do well" surely very good one.
Vic: No! It really sucks lah.
Vic: Sigh. Very sad
Des: Dont be lah.
Vic: Argh! *starts tearing* I wanna bite something.
Des: *shoves his forearm in front of me*. Nah! Bite lor.
Isnt that sweet? We're like lil barbarians who happen to be best of friends. And I believe it's darn hard to find another guy friend who would be as weird as me. I totally dig weird people!! (:
So today, I bit myself at the bite mark. I didnt feel my stress being alleviated though. Things can never be the same once the magic's gone. All that coursed through me was the glaring sense of emptiness and irritating pain. The pain of teeth against flesh, and the pain of separation.
Im missing my friends so much, Im trying all means to relive the old days. Yet, can they ever be the same again? Apparently not. If you're wondering why Im not doing anything to salvage the friendship with Des...I did. But ever since he betrayed me, and our teacher separated our seats (we created too much chaos when together), we drifted. Relationships are fragile as glass--very beautiful, but once broken, it's hard to return to the past glory.
I have many good friends yes, but I want the old ones too. Will they come back to me? Yeongtay? Des? Edwin? Fifi? Rong? Hester? Fiona? Lulu? Kel? It seems like we are but complete strangers now.
My friendships, like my loves, are Shakesperean tragedies.
dysphoria came at 12:07 AM
|
Indulgence above all, because we're still in the prime of youth.
Im so drained these days, it's a chore to even sit up straight. Long, arduous days are only part of the reason for the numbing exhaustion. You know, my fave sleeping postions these days seem to be lying my head on the table, with "All about you" by Mcfly buzzing right beside my ears.
I think it's the "mind over body" problem. The no motivation rubbish that seems to afflict me only in most critical periods of my life. I NEED to find it, grab it by it's pathetic tail and hold it right in my palms again.
Where is the good old studious, kiasu, and very dilligent Vic?
Oh I forgot. I've never been dilligent. Just very good at memorising and regurgitating meaningless words and numbers. And now, I doubt I even have motivation to do that.
Dont know much anymore. Will leave it to fate I guess. I mean after all the screw-ups it heaped onto me, I've truly realised I no longer have much say in even my own life. If Fate sees it fit that I shall regain my footing, and receive the right kinda motivation, so be it. If Fate sees it that I belong in the ghetto, so be it too.
The weird thing is, I've been tired yes, but rather cheerful these days. Perhaps life is all about balance. You gain some, you lose some.
Im so drained these days, it's a chore to even sit up straight. Long, arduous days are only part of the reason for the numbing exhaustion. You know, my fave sleeping postions these days seem to be lying my head on the table, with "All about you" by Mcfly buzzing right beside my ears.
I think it's the "mind over body" problem. The no motivation rubbish that seems to afflict me only in most critical periods of my life. I NEED to find it, grab it by it's pathetic tail and hold it right in my palms again.
Where is the good old studious, kiasu, and very dilligent Vic?
Oh I forgot. I've never been dilligent. Just very good at memorising and regurgitating meaningless words and numbers. And now, I doubt I even have motivation to do that.
Dont know much anymore. Will leave it to fate I guess. I mean after all the screw-ups it heaped onto me, I've truly realised I no longer have much say in even my own life. If Fate sees it fit that I shall regain my footing, and receive the right kinda motivation, so be it. If Fate sees it that I belong in the ghetto, so be it too.
The weird thing is, I've been tired yes, but rather cheerful these days. Perhaps life is all about balance. You gain some, you lose some.
dysphoria came at 7:14 PM
|
I forgot to mention this, but Shaun has this really ugly version of back-and-white monogrammed Converse sneakers.
It's quite cheap really...but I've been spending too much lately.
And who in their right mind would splurge on something totally unsightful?
Should I get it-just because I wanna know what it feels like being him? I've been wanting a pair of Converse since forever, just not this particular pair as it's the most beng-ish ever!!! Shaun! You have the worst taste ever. In girls, and in shoes.
I'll stop talking now and let my mind do the thinking. 5am in the morning, all for NJ's sake. You see what my life has turned into? Im now living for other people.
It's quite cheap really...but I've been spending too much lately.
And who in their right mind would splurge on something totally unsightful?
Should I get it-just because I wanna know what it feels like being him? I've been wanting a pair of Converse since forever, just not this particular pair as it's the most beng-ish ever!!! Shaun! You have the worst taste ever. In girls, and in shoes.
I'll stop talking now and let my mind do the thinking. 5am in the morning, all for NJ's sake. You see what my life has turned into? Im now living for other people.
dysphoria came at 5:13 AM
|
Boys are All Around. (:
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Free Willy wants to take me to England! Gosh, I know he's the worst, most philandering flirt ever, and he's not that fantastic in the looks department.....but that's the first time ever a guy volunteered to take me away from this hell you call Singapore! Im quite touched really, despite all the teasing I get from the juniors because of his "Tell her we (I) miss her!".
FW: Nan, lets go to India!
Nan: *starts giggling non-stop like a love-sick school girl*
Vic: Whooooo! Nan you must be so happy!!
Nan: Then why arent you taking Victoria?
FW: Vic ah? We'll go to England. *flashes Vic a bashful look*
Vic: *falls silent and feigns ignorance*
I think we're all funny people and the memories we had are really priceless. I wouldnt give anything in the world to experience such joy.
Little and I had numerous eye contacts. In fact, we always do during Angklung practices, despite the rather great distance between us. I know I shouldnt look away hastily every single time....but Im scared, and too self-conscious. He has this penetrating gaze, like he could read my very thoughts by just looking into my eyes. What if he knows I have the hots for him? Yeah he may be suspecting it, but that's better than actually KNOWING eh? He's frickin cool. All drummers are. And I really love his lanky-ness, the sex bands on his bony wrists, and oh!! The very toned and sexxxyyy forearms! Today I was admiring how his brown skin is stretched taut over his elbow, with the round edges of the bones showing.....that's sexiness to the max! (:
I saw zACharoy!! Unarguably the hottest guy in AC (well Trophy has perfect looks, but that doesnt mean he's sizzling hot). Was walking towards the bus interchange in the morn, when I caught sight of this really tanned AC guy from far away. Being the habitual AC guy-oggler that I am, I couldnt help but to stare. I walked past him, he looked up, and flashed a hint of the most dazzling smile I've seen (after 52). It isnt everyday I get to see such lookers in Bt Batok. And isnt he filthy rich? What is he doing in a commoner's residential area? Shouldnt he be fetched to school in a chauffeur-driven limo? I think this is what you call, Irrelevant Fate. He's REAL HOT people. And now, he's got me wanting him. Bad.
Zach is hot. Zach is cool. Zach is tanned. Zach is lanky. Zach is an anglophile. Zach plays soccer. Darling, if you're reading this, can you help? Lol. He's got me too charmed (:
I have hot guy, cool guy and a very disgusting guy. Lucky girl I am today. A pity the BEST guy isnt my to own. Sigh.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Free Willy wants to take me to England! Gosh, I know he's the worst, most philandering flirt ever, and he's not that fantastic in the looks department.....but that's the first time ever a guy volunteered to take me away from this hell you call Singapore! Im quite touched really, despite all the teasing I get from the juniors because of his "Tell her we (I) miss her!".
FW: Nan, lets go to India!
Nan: *starts giggling non-stop like a love-sick school girl*
Vic: Whooooo! Nan you must be so happy!!
Nan: Then why arent you taking Victoria?
FW: Vic ah? We'll go to England. *flashes Vic a bashful look*
Vic: *falls silent and feigns ignorance*
I think we're all funny people and the memories we had are really priceless. I wouldnt give anything in the world to experience such joy.
Little and I had numerous eye contacts. In fact, we always do during Angklung practices, despite the rather great distance between us. I know I shouldnt look away hastily every single time....but Im scared, and too self-conscious. He has this penetrating gaze, like he could read my very thoughts by just looking into my eyes. What if he knows I have the hots for him? Yeah he may be suspecting it, but that's better than actually KNOWING eh? He's frickin cool. All drummers are. And I really love his lanky-ness, the sex bands on his bony wrists, and oh!! The very toned and sexxxyyy forearms! Today I was admiring how his brown skin is stretched taut over his elbow, with the round edges of the bones showing.....that's sexiness to the max! (:
I saw zACharoy!! Unarguably the hottest guy in AC (well Trophy has perfect looks, but that doesnt mean he's sizzling hot). Was walking towards the bus interchange in the morn, when I caught sight of this really tanned AC guy from far away. Being the habitual AC guy-oggler that I am, I couldnt help but to stare. I walked past him, he looked up, and flashed a hint of the most dazzling smile I've seen (after 52). It isnt everyday I get to see such lookers in Bt Batok. And isnt he filthy rich? What is he doing in a commoner's residential area? Shouldnt he be fetched to school in a chauffeur-driven limo? I think this is what you call, Irrelevant Fate. He's REAL HOT people. And now, he's got me wanting him. Bad.
Zach is hot. Zach is cool. Zach is tanned. Zach is lanky. Zach is an anglophile. Zach plays soccer. Darling, if you're reading this, can you help? Lol. He's got me too charmed (:
I have hot guy, cool guy and a very disgusting guy. Lucky girl I am today. A pity the BEST guy isnt my to own. Sigh.
dysphoria came at 9:49 PM
|
The Best Everything.
Yesterday, while out with Chus at the expense of double GP (and betrayal of our very sweet teacher's and nice security guard's trust), I bought the best top ever. It's this polo from Zara that made me swoon and my heart race the moment I laid eyes on it. And did I mention brown's damn sexyyy?
I watched the best movie this month. House of Fury's not as bad as the reviews claim really. Average plot, the usual action scenes, but the BEST actors ever. Gosh, Gillian Chung is undeniably the sweetest, prettiest, cutest girl I've ever seen. Im so definitely in love with her. And then there's Daniel Wu and Stephen Fung too-nice eye candies, but they definitely cant hold a candle to darling Gill (:
Im SO JOYOUS AND MERRY right now, because I had the best meal (besides the luncheon at Cosy Corner with the clique) today! Rosti at Marche! It's the best aphrodisiac ever--it beats even chocolates you know! And I kinda forgot how light-headed the atmosphere at Marche makes me feel. It's almost like Im at Trafalgar Square, enveloped by the sheer euphoria and infinite upbeat-ness of everything sweet and nice. Shaun? Who's Shaun now?
Lol.
God, and the book. The book's like one of the most important factor, besides my most-cherished friends, why Im this hyper now. Was browsing through the Psychology section at Kino, when my eyes came to rest (it has been wandering for far too long already) on this cover with a very disturbed-looking Christina Ricci, imprinted with white bold words "Prozac Nation". A long long time ago, when I was still the exuberant me, I would absolutely abhor dark literature as such. In fact, it has been years since I was recommended the book, but I've been blatantly ignoring it....simply because I couldnt relate to it.
Today, the book practically spoke to me. It was as if everything around muted into a flurry of colours, and only "Prozac Nation" stood out clearly like a thorn among the roses. The first line I skimmed through...
I hate myself and I want to die.
Damn. I knew I just had to get it. It's my autobiography, my life-story, my diagnosis.
"Young and depressed in America-a memoir". People, isnt that SO symbolic? Im young, depressed, and am practically halfway to the US already. Really, the book's written for me. (:
Looks like I wont be sleeping in tears tonight, but with my nose buried in the best book ever.
I've never been happier....
Yesterday, while out with Chus at the expense of double GP (and betrayal of our very sweet teacher's and nice security guard's trust), I bought the best top ever. It's this polo from Zara that made me swoon and my heart race the moment I laid eyes on it. And did I mention brown's damn sexyyy?
I watched the best movie this month. House of Fury's not as bad as the reviews claim really. Average plot, the usual action scenes, but the BEST actors ever. Gosh, Gillian Chung is undeniably the sweetest, prettiest, cutest girl I've ever seen. Im so definitely in love with her. And then there's Daniel Wu and Stephen Fung too-nice eye candies, but they definitely cant hold a candle to darling Gill (:
Im SO JOYOUS AND MERRY right now, because I had the best meal (besides the luncheon at Cosy Corner with the clique) today! Rosti at Marche! It's the best aphrodisiac ever--it beats even chocolates you know! And I kinda forgot how light-headed the atmosphere at Marche makes me feel. It's almost like Im at Trafalgar Square, enveloped by the sheer euphoria and infinite upbeat-ness of everything sweet and nice. Shaun? Who's Shaun now?
Lol.
God, and the book. The book's like one of the most important factor, besides my most-cherished friends, why Im this hyper now. Was browsing through the Psychology section at Kino, when my eyes came to rest (it has been wandering for far too long already) on this cover with a very disturbed-looking Christina Ricci, imprinted with white bold words "Prozac Nation". A long long time ago, when I was still the exuberant me, I would absolutely abhor dark literature as such. In fact, it has been years since I was recommended the book, but I've been blatantly ignoring it....simply because I couldnt relate to it.
Today, the book practically spoke to me. It was as if everything around muted into a flurry of colours, and only "Prozac Nation" stood out clearly like a thorn among the roses. The first line I skimmed through...
I hate myself and I want to die.
Damn. I knew I just had to get it. It's my autobiography, my life-story, my diagnosis.
"Young and depressed in America-a memoir". People, isnt that SO symbolic? Im young, depressed, and am practically halfway to the US already. Really, the book's written for me. (:
Looks like I wont be sleeping in tears tonight, but with my nose buried in the best book ever.
I've never been happier....
dysphoria came at 9:24 PM
|
You Are Math.
From my Stats tutorial:
A standard deck of playing cards contain 52 cards.....
52.
I circled it immediately in bold red ink. And waited for the heartache to arrive. Well, it didnt fail me. Soon the whole tutorial was splattered with fat drops of tears. Out of impulse (obviously without using my brains), I scribbled hastily : "Why cant you ever go away???".
SQ came back today. She was your dance partner during Orientation remember? I used to stand right beside you two, looking up to both of you for guidance. You two were the most compatible pair ever, charming, sunny, cheerful, great moves, hot bod, dazzling smiles, perfect complexion...I didnt realise then, but there's so much of you in her. Maybe it's just Destiny's cruel plan, but I actually saw her several times today. And obviously, I couldnt help checking her out.
Checking a GIRL out! I seriously have no idea what's becoming of me. I saw you in her, and it was SO hard to resist not holding onto something that reminds me of you. And so, I think I actually had the hots for her then.
God oh god. I dont wanna see her again. What if I succumb to the unthinkable, and actually commit to homosexuality? *shudders* I've never condemned that way of life, but I never thought I'd treat it as an open option. But well, in case you're all worrying, I still havent shifted to the other camp. So relax (:
I hate Math to death. Today and yesterday, and the days before were HAPPY. Then I did a tutorial and all the misery comes crashing back. It's so hard to even be diligent anymore....
I shant try to let go now. It's horrid when you compel your heart into doing something that'll only kill it. Time will tell everything, but till then, you're still the Everything.
Love you Shaun! (((((:
From my Stats tutorial:
A standard deck of playing cards contain 52 cards.....
52.
I circled it immediately in bold red ink. And waited for the heartache to arrive. Well, it didnt fail me. Soon the whole tutorial was splattered with fat drops of tears. Out of impulse (obviously without using my brains), I scribbled hastily : "Why cant you ever go away???".
SQ came back today. She was your dance partner during Orientation remember? I used to stand right beside you two, looking up to both of you for guidance. You two were the most compatible pair ever, charming, sunny, cheerful, great moves, hot bod, dazzling smiles, perfect complexion...I didnt realise then, but there's so much of you in her. Maybe it's just Destiny's cruel plan, but I actually saw her several times today. And obviously, I couldnt help checking her out.
Checking a GIRL out! I seriously have no idea what's becoming of me. I saw you in her, and it was SO hard to resist not holding onto something that reminds me of you. And so, I think I actually had the hots for her then.
God oh god. I dont wanna see her again. What if I succumb to the unthinkable, and actually commit to homosexuality? *shudders* I've never condemned that way of life, but I never thought I'd treat it as an open option. But well, in case you're all worrying, I still havent shifted to the other camp. So relax (:
I hate Math to death. Today and yesterday, and the days before were HAPPY. Then I did a tutorial and all the misery comes crashing back. It's so hard to even be diligent anymore....
I shant try to let go now. It's horrid when you compel your heart into doing something that'll only kill it. Time will tell everything, but till then, you're still the Everything.
Love you Shaun! (((((:
dysphoria came at 11:11 PM
|
I've ceased to know the meaning of love.
In the past, when I was still SO into him, I'd shoot my mouth straight away, "Love attacks you on the stealth. It grabs your heart violently by force, shoving all thoughts of him into your mind...".
But I guess I've been loving the wrong way eh? And I doubt I've really been loved the right way either.
My call for potential GFs wasnt entirely a joke. Oh well. Im still wondering how kissing plump, voluptuous full lips would feel.....real delicious eh? (: And imagine taking soft, tiny hands in your own-so cute eh!
Dammit. Love me love me love me. Im an attention-seeking, affection-craving junkie.
In the past, when I was still SO into him, I'd shoot my mouth straight away, "Love attacks you on the stealth. It grabs your heart violently by force, shoving all thoughts of him into your mind...".
But I guess I've been loving the wrong way eh? And I doubt I've really been loved the right way either.
My call for potential GFs wasnt entirely a joke. Oh well. Im still wondering how kissing plump, voluptuous full lips would feel.....real delicious eh? (: And imagine taking soft, tiny hands in your own-so cute eh!
Dammit. Love me love me love me. Im an attention-seeking, affection-craving junkie.
dysphoria came at 11:18 PM
|
Long Vacation
I think Im actually embarking on the long, arduous route to beatitude. It wont be easy of course, nothing in life ever is...but at least I've ventured my first foot out.
Spoil me, indulge me, love me please.
2 nights ago, I was struck with the strong, undeniable desire of wanting a "I Love Beach Boys" Abercrombie tee. Well I saw it on Yahoo Auctions months ago, and merely dismissed it as 'so cute! but unwearable'. Fast forward a few months, when 52 is gone forever, I realise the tee means a hell lot to me. It's symbolic specimen of him. Who doesnt know he's a true-blue beach boy? Lol. And who doesnt know I love him to death? That very vivid image of the coral pink shirt, with stark white words imprinted on the front kept flashing across my mind. I couldnt get rid of it. I ploughed through Ebay, Yahoo and Amazon alike, but to no avail.
I really need that shirt badly. I need every single thing that reminds me of him. It almost killed me when I couldnt find the shirt anywhere. Im slightly better from the disappointment now, but I still think about it, and how I will be happier if Im wearing it. It's like having him on my mind always. Sigh. So peeps, if you see that tee anywhere, tell me! I'm so desperate for it, because it almost determines my happiness.
Seriously, Im so frickin sick of boys. The presumably good catches are well-adept heartbreakers- ruthless, mocking, fickle, unattainable and only serve to crush your confidence. They make you fall head over heels in love with them, ensure that you're ENTIRELY dependent on them for life, before trampling on your heart, leaving their filthy footprints all over it. So there. A heart with fugly, large, permanent prints will always be scarred. And that's not including the dying pride, eyes blinded with tears, and lips that are cast into permanent frowns. Your life's ruined with them.
Lets no go to the other group of guys. Lol. I've seen enough of these to last my whole life. Some sicken me, others bore me, and a few make me laugh my head off at their very silly (but mostly frustrating) antics. I believe love shouldnt be compromised, so when someone doesnt catch my eye, that's it. He never ever will.
No more boys after 52. No more. I need a break.
Nan said Im becoming "50-50". Well I say I wanna be "100-0". No guys, all girls. Heh. Girls are much better lovers no? Sentimental, emotional, sensitive, caring and oh-so-tender. They'd give all the love I need. Soft hands, gentle touch, smooth skin, juicy (more kissable) lips, and warm hearts.
I sound sick. But you get my point. Lol.
I think Im actually embarking on the long, arduous route to beatitude. It wont be easy of course, nothing in life ever is...but at least I've ventured my first foot out.
Spoil me, indulge me, love me please.
2 nights ago, I was struck with the strong, undeniable desire of wanting a "I Love Beach Boys" Abercrombie tee. Well I saw it on Yahoo Auctions months ago, and merely dismissed it as 'so cute! but unwearable'. Fast forward a few months, when 52 is gone forever, I realise the tee means a hell lot to me. It's symbolic specimen of him. Who doesnt know he's a true-blue beach boy? Lol. And who doesnt know I love him to death? That very vivid image of the coral pink shirt, with stark white words imprinted on the front kept flashing across my mind. I couldnt get rid of it. I ploughed through Ebay, Yahoo and Amazon alike, but to no avail.
I really need that shirt badly. I need every single thing that reminds me of him. It almost killed me when I couldnt find the shirt anywhere. Im slightly better from the disappointment now, but I still think about it, and how I will be happier if Im wearing it. It's like having him on my mind always. Sigh. So peeps, if you see that tee anywhere, tell me! I'm so desperate for it, because it almost determines my happiness.
Seriously, Im so frickin sick of boys. The presumably good catches are well-adept heartbreakers- ruthless, mocking, fickle, unattainable and only serve to crush your confidence. They make you fall head over heels in love with them, ensure that you're ENTIRELY dependent on them for life, before trampling on your heart, leaving their filthy footprints all over it. So there. A heart with fugly, large, permanent prints will always be scarred. And that's not including the dying pride, eyes blinded with tears, and lips that are cast into permanent frowns. Your life's ruined with them.
Lets no go to the other group of guys. Lol. I've seen enough of these to last my whole life. Some sicken me, others bore me, and a few make me laugh my head off at their very silly (but mostly frustrating) antics. I believe love shouldnt be compromised, so when someone doesnt catch my eye, that's it. He never ever will.
No more boys after 52. No more. I need a break.
Nan said Im becoming "50-50". Well I say I wanna be "100-0". No guys, all girls. Heh. Girls are much better lovers no? Sentimental, emotional, sensitive, caring and oh-so-tender. They'd give all the love I need. Soft hands, gentle touch, smooth skin, juicy (more kissable) lips, and warm hearts.
I sound sick. But you get my point. Lol.
dysphoria came at 10:41 PM
|
It breaks my heart when you cry.
And some people are definitely leeching on my new-found happiness. I hate it when you're all vague, mysterious and inconclusive. Im all taxed and stressed out already, why do you still have to play mind games with me? I love you so, but obviously you dont care about me at all.
And I just denied a date with Seokie. For a study date with jw and yingxiu. I feel like I've just committed betrayal at it's most intense form.
Well, the tears are so irrational to flow at unappropriate times.
Am I thinking too much? Feeling too much? Crying too much?
And some people are definitely leeching on my new-found happiness. I hate it when you're all vague, mysterious and inconclusive. Im all taxed and stressed out already, why do you still have to play mind games with me? I love you so, but obviously you dont care about me at all.
And I just denied a date with Seokie. For a study date with jw and yingxiu. I feel like I've just committed betrayal at it's most intense form.
Well, the tears are so irrational to flow at unappropriate times.
Am I thinking too much? Feeling too much? Crying too much?
dysphoria came at 10:26 PM
|
Im too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted for normal blog entries.
But I firmly believe that when one has gone through the worst, things will start to go uphill then. I mean, no one has a life that keeps seeing a declining trend yeah?
School screams "Shaun! Shaun! Shaun!" everywhere.
I named my fave song after him, and am playing it on loop.
I've dug out his photos from my old folder, and placed them in my new one, so I can bring him with me everywhere. Well, at least a memory of him.
This is crazy, but it's my own recovery process. I need it to work, because I know I have no 2nd chance. And guys, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I know I've been so distressed lately, you guys are worried and upset to no end too. Im very sorry for all that weakness and crying for no apparent reason.
Reasons for me to be happy today:
But I firmly believe that when one has gone through the worst, things will start to go uphill then. I mean, no one has a life that keeps seeing a declining trend yeah?
School screams "Shaun! Shaun! Shaun!" everywhere.
I named my fave song after him, and am playing it on loop.
I've dug out his photos from my old folder, and placed them in my new one, so I can bring him with me everywhere. Well, at least a memory of him.
This is crazy, but it's my own recovery process. I need it to work, because I know I have no 2nd chance. And guys, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I know I've been so distressed lately, you guys are worried and upset to no end too. Im very sorry for all that weakness and crying for no apparent reason.
Reasons for me to be happy today:
- There's the OC. Which means more Adam Brody oggling :)
- I passed one of my 4 subs. Not bad already. Haha.
- I have friends who love me and will stand by me no matter how lousy I am.
- Monkey stopped bickering/ teasing me and actually talked to me today, and Im quite flattered really. Hoho.
- I get nice compliments on my new haircut. Even from strangers. Goody!! At least Im not fugly to everyone yeah? Yeah I know it's sad when I dont even look good to the one person that matters most to me...but one cant get everything in life. So there-at least I've found balance (:
I will focus on the little reasons that make me smile now. Im so sick of crying too.
dysphoria came at 6:38 PM
|
Betting with Fate
I remember I've been toying with Fate lately. Well only Nan knows I guess cuz I've been telling her whenever I play those silly lil games of mine.
It's always during lectures, and the teachers tell us to practise some questions on our own. I'd finish them in a hurry, and exclaim, "If I get this all right, I'll marry Shaun!". Nan always gives me this look of exasperation, and I'd giggle in eager anticipation of the answers. Well twice I played this, and twice I got my answers all right. It's a miracle that I can produce the right answers, considering how FAR back I am with my work. And for math, I didnt even attend a single Stats lecture, but could answer those questions.
So there's this tiny part of me that actually believed fate was on my side. Of course I wouldnt expect to marry him, but well..I was hoping something good would happen. Like he'll come back to school and we'll talk or something.
I've been so disgustingly naive and gullible.
I remember I've been toying with Fate lately. Well only Nan knows I guess cuz I've been telling her whenever I play those silly lil games of mine.
It's always during lectures, and the teachers tell us to practise some questions on our own. I'd finish them in a hurry, and exclaim, "If I get this all right, I'll marry Shaun!". Nan always gives me this look of exasperation, and I'd giggle in eager anticipation of the answers. Well twice I played this, and twice I got my answers all right. It's a miracle that I can produce the right answers, considering how FAR back I am with my work. And for math, I didnt even attend a single Stats lecture, but could answer those questions.
So there's this tiny part of me that actually believed fate was on my side. Of course I wouldnt expect to marry him, but well..I was hoping something good would happen. Like he'll come back to school and we'll talk or something.
I've been so disgustingly naive and gullible.
dysphoria came at 1:22 AM
|
Sorry for these redundant posts. Well, I dont blame you guys if you never return.
I cant stop thinking, and therefore cant stop blogging, and hence cant stop crying.
My love is very apparently obsessive.
I want amnesia bad. I wanna forget about this once-in-a-lifetime person who remains glued to my mind. I wanna be ignorant and happy.
My eyes hurt so bad, god...is this what love should be like? I dont wanna cry so much, because if Im blind, I wont get to see him anymore. And it clearly doesnt relief the pain either.
What can I do? What can I do? Sigh.
I cant stop thinking, and therefore cant stop blogging, and hence cant stop crying.
My love is very apparently obsessive.
I want amnesia bad. I wanna forget about this once-in-a-lifetime person who remains glued to my mind. I wanna be ignorant and happy.
My eyes hurt so bad, god...is this what love should be like? I dont wanna cry so much, because if Im blind, I wont get to see him anymore. And it clearly doesnt relief the pain either.
What can I do? What can I do? Sigh.
dysphoria came at 11:53 PM
|
Us.
Dammit Dammit Dammit!
Is fate really intent on ruining my already screwed life or what.
Look at what 'amazing' a feature Friendster just introduced:
Joint Horoscope:
You and Shaun can overcome any bumps on the road.
Set your feet firmly on the path that will lead you two to wisdom -- no dragging your heels! Remember what happened to Pinocchio and the Lost Boys who lived on Pleasure Island for far too long? You and your friend really don't want to end up being turned into jackasses, do you? So listen up to what the fates are telling you and do everything in your power to become enlightened about a certain topic before life takes matters into its own hands. It'll be much easier if you go voluntarily.
That means we should be rooted, straight to the point and stop all the mind games eh? We should follow our heart, and not depend on fate anymore. Well I think that advice is more applicable for me. But to hell with it. Since when will I approach him "voluntarily" huh? Dammit, come talk to me Shaun. You'll find me all approachable, friendly and warm. I'll try my best to be someone you like. Im dying to know why you never did talk to me, when you've obviously made friends from far and wide.
"overcome any bumps on the road". God, that makes me cry all over again.
If only that's possible. Friendster YOU LIAR. We cant even be together, how can we even have conflicts, and have a "bumpy" relationship? We dont even talk. And if we ever get together (yeah right) do you think I'll even bear to argue with him, or even make him unhappy? Horoscopes can be quite reliable, but apparently, I shouldnt believe in them anymore. NO MORE.
Nobody knows how badly I want, no..need him.
Dammit Dammit Dammit!
Is fate really intent on ruining my already screwed life or what.
Look at what 'amazing' a feature Friendster just introduced:
Joint Horoscope:
You and Shaun can overcome any bumps on the road.
Set your feet firmly on the path that will lead you two to wisdom -- no dragging your heels! Remember what happened to Pinocchio and the Lost Boys who lived on Pleasure Island for far too long? You and your friend really don't want to end up being turned into jackasses, do you? So listen up to what the fates are telling you and do everything in your power to become enlightened about a certain topic before life takes matters into its own hands. It'll be much easier if you go voluntarily.
That means we should be rooted, straight to the point and stop all the mind games eh? We should follow our heart, and not depend on fate anymore. Well I think that advice is more applicable for me. But to hell with it. Since when will I approach him "voluntarily" huh? Dammit, come talk to me Shaun. You'll find me all approachable, friendly and warm. I'll try my best to be someone you like. Im dying to know why you never did talk to me, when you've obviously made friends from far and wide.
"overcome any bumps on the road". God, that makes me cry all over again.
If only that's possible. Friendster YOU LIAR. We cant even be together, how can we even have conflicts, and have a "bumpy" relationship? We dont even talk. And if we ever get together (yeah right) do you think I'll even bear to argue with him, or even make him unhappy? Horoscopes can be quite reliable, but apparently, I shouldnt believe in them anymore. NO MORE.
Nobody knows how badly I want, no..need him.
dysphoria came at 11:14 PM
|
Dear Shaun,
Yeah, it's my first time addressing you by the name. That's because Im sick of all the hide-and-seek we're clearly playing with each other.
You came back today. You just have to choose a day when Im weak, sad and defenceless, dont you? Do you know how much I cried my eyes out, and how badly my heart wrenched when Chus told me you were back, but I couldnt find you? I craned my neck SO much, I didnt even bother to wince when I heard subtle cracks. My limbs were on auto-reflex mode, because my mind refused to leave you. I could feel the world revovling so fast under my feet, it was as if I didnt belong on earth at all. I had no sense of belonging. I had no attachment to where I am, unless you're here.
I was so incoherent, I only muttered "I really like him a lot. I only want to see him...where is he?" repeatedly, like a broken record. Shaun, I was totally lost when I couldnt see you. For the first time in my life, I lost my ability to think. Desolation and heartache took over, and I didnt even care if I was sobbing my heart out in front of everyone.
Thank god for the very caring friends I had, because they led me to you. By then, I had aboslutely no sense of direction and awareness. All I knew was that you were here, and I had to see you-or die. But of course, you'll never understand the great pains I have to suffer just to look at you. Why Shaun, why? People said that when one truly desires something, and strives hard for it, one will get it eventually. I want you. Dont you know about it alreadly? Everyone who's somebody knows, and you are clearly more than a somebody-you're the star of NJ for Christ's sake!
It took all my courage to stand around you, trying to catch your eye. I know, I was too afraid to chat you up, or even to smile at you. But I did look at you! And you saw me too.
What shattered me the most was when you evidently saw me, but walked past me, not even glancing over once. Really, am I really THAT fugly? Am I really incomparable to LingYi? Yes I know she's pretty, slim, graceful and all...but at least Im not as easy as her. Ha. Like that even counts as my good point.
Alright, I did enjoy the 10min oggling session. But this was different from the others. This was the last time I could see you, all that regret, yearning and heartache wasnt something easy to bear with. Everyone was trying to help. Suggestions like "Do you wanna take a photo with him?" flooded around me. But I stood my stand. Im simply too afraid to approach you. Why couldnt you come over and talk to me huh? I dont cast those who look into my eyes into stones you know. I think Im clearly not a disgusting freak either. So why?????? If you can chat up Lingyi, why not me? It makes me wanna die really, when Im so much worse than her in your eyes.
You looked so good. Really. Who else in the world could be goofy, darn endearing, hot, and charming at the same time? And we all know NS guys arent exactly swoon-worthy with their almost-zilch hair...but you're different. God, you're as good looking as ever. I love your clear skin, delicious chocolate complexion and your smile! Shaun, you have the best smile in the world...one flash of that, and you'll charm everyone in your trail.
I would have stayed at the canteen forever..but as much as I love you, there's a limit to my tolerance. Why cant you stop flirting around? I know you know about me-so how could you be so cruel as to break my heart again and again? I couldnt take it anymore, and had to leave when you walked past me again, muttered "excuse me" and planted yourself among the Hockey girls. Do you know what you did? It was almost as if you shoved me aside because I was obstructing you from the oh-so-pretty girls.
I dont mind crying myself blind, and dying of a heartache really, just as long as you stay forever. Shaun, I really really need you around. Life has been so terribly hard and lonely without you. NJ just doesnt make me smile and bring joy anymore.
But of course, you'll never know. Nevermind. It's best you dont anyway, lest the 2 of us be terribly embarassed by my over-the-top emotions.
You almost killed me today. But I love you for that. Because looking at you makes all the grief disappear, and I really wanna do that everyday.
You'll haunt me forever. Im a silly, over-emotional woman who refuses to let the past rest. I cant seem to stop saying this, but I do love you.
Victoria
Yeah, it's my first time addressing you by the name. That's because Im sick of all the hide-and-seek we're clearly playing with each other.
You came back today. You just have to choose a day when Im weak, sad and defenceless, dont you? Do you know how much I cried my eyes out, and how badly my heart wrenched when Chus told me you were back, but I couldnt find you? I craned my neck SO much, I didnt even bother to wince when I heard subtle cracks. My limbs were on auto-reflex mode, because my mind refused to leave you. I could feel the world revovling so fast under my feet, it was as if I didnt belong on earth at all. I had no sense of belonging. I had no attachment to where I am, unless you're here.
I was so incoherent, I only muttered "I really like him a lot. I only want to see him...where is he?" repeatedly, like a broken record. Shaun, I was totally lost when I couldnt see you. For the first time in my life, I lost my ability to think. Desolation and heartache took over, and I didnt even care if I was sobbing my heart out in front of everyone.
Thank god for the very caring friends I had, because they led me to you. By then, I had aboslutely no sense of direction and awareness. All I knew was that you were here, and I had to see you-or die. But of course, you'll never understand the great pains I have to suffer just to look at you. Why Shaun, why? People said that when one truly desires something, and strives hard for it, one will get it eventually. I want you. Dont you know about it alreadly? Everyone who's somebody knows, and you are clearly more than a somebody-you're the star of NJ for Christ's sake!
It took all my courage to stand around you, trying to catch your eye. I know, I was too afraid to chat you up, or even to smile at you. But I did look at you! And you saw me too.
What shattered me the most was when you evidently saw me, but walked past me, not even glancing over once. Really, am I really THAT fugly? Am I really incomparable to LingYi? Yes I know she's pretty, slim, graceful and all...but at least Im not as easy as her. Ha. Like that even counts as my good point.
Alright, I did enjoy the 10min oggling session. But this was different from the others. This was the last time I could see you, all that regret, yearning and heartache wasnt something easy to bear with. Everyone was trying to help. Suggestions like "Do you wanna take a photo with him?" flooded around me. But I stood my stand. Im simply too afraid to approach you. Why couldnt you come over and talk to me huh? I dont cast those who look into my eyes into stones you know. I think Im clearly not a disgusting freak either. So why?????? If you can chat up Lingyi, why not me? It makes me wanna die really, when Im so much worse than her in your eyes.
You looked so good. Really. Who else in the world could be goofy, darn endearing, hot, and charming at the same time? And we all know NS guys arent exactly swoon-worthy with their almost-zilch hair...but you're different. God, you're as good looking as ever. I love your clear skin, delicious chocolate complexion and your smile! Shaun, you have the best smile in the world...one flash of that, and you'll charm everyone in your trail.
I would have stayed at the canteen forever..but as much as I love you, there's a limit to my tolerance. Why cant you stop flirting around? I know you know about me-so how could you be so cruel as to break my heart again and again? I couldnt take it anymore, and had to leave when you walked past me again, muttered "excuse me" and planted yourself among the Hockey girls. Do you know what you did? It was almost as if you shoved me aside because I was obstructing you from the oh-so-pretty girls.
I dont mind crying myself blind, and dying of a heartache really, just as long as you stay forever. Shaun, I really really need you around. Life has been so terribly hard and lonely without you. NJ just doesnt make me smile and bring joy anymore.
But of course, you'll never know. Nevermind. It's best you dont anyway, lest the 2 of us be terribly embarassed by my over-the-top emotions.
You almost killed me today. But I love you for that. Because looking at you makes all the grief disappear, and I really wanna do that everyday.
You'll haunt me forever. Im a silly, over-emotional woman who refuses to let the past rest. I cant seem to stop saying this, but I do love you.
Victoria
dysphoria came at 8:43 PM
|
I thought there was a rash on my arm, and began scratching furiously.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Then a sharp, biting pain made me wince. I looked down, and saw these beautiful, fresh red marks. One of the long strips split open, revealing tiny beads of crimson red.
There was no rash. Apparently, it's my depression at work again. You know, new and exciting things happen to me everyday. Except these arent always good stuffs like you think they are.
Revelation of the Day: I'm now self-destructive. Hoho.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Then a sharp, biting pain made me wince. I looked down, and saw these beautiful, fresh red marks. One of the long strips split open, revealing tiny beads of crimson red.
There was no rash. Apparently, it's my depression at work again. You know, new and exciting things happen to me everyday. Except these arent always good stuffs like you think they are.
Revelation of the Day: I'm now self-destructive. Hoho.
dysphoria came at 8:47 PM
|
I....
Well, havent been more down and out in my frickin life. Didnt expect school to come THIS close to killing me either. But no, I wont die because of a lowly NJ.
Just love me people. Please.
Well, havent been more down and out in my frickin life. Didnt expect school to come THIS close to killing me either. But no, I wont die because of a lowly NJ.
Just love me people. Please.
dysphoria came at 8:31 PM
|
The Spineless, Insensitive, Dense Jerk that I Loved More Than Anyone in the World.
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
love u
(*_*) says:
hihi
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
blah
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u're so unaffectionate
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
i need ur support u noe, have been so sad lately
(*_*) says:
that's me haha
(*_*) says:
yup i noe
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
oh how do u noe, im surprised u even do
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
we dont even talk anymore
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
sigh
(*_*) says:
natini and xiu hui came to me and talk abt it
(*_*) says:
durig monday
(*_*) says:
when u were absent
(*_*) says:
tuesday
(*_*) says:
i mean
(*_*) says:
how r u now?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
i was just getting better
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
then came the CTs results
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
fifi, i wish it was like in sec4, at least i had you around
(*_*) says:
same too
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
it sounds funny, but life is really less happy without a gd fren
(*_*) says:
really
(*_*) says:
i thought u have the other 3 close companions with u
(*_*) says:
that i always see one
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u toot head!
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
next time be there for me when i need u can?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u idiot! always cant find u when im sad
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
and u dun even care abt me!
(*_*) says:
oh i was rather busy now
(*_*) says:
due to cca
(*_*) says:
are u too stressed p lately due to study?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
yeah sort of
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
and i havent been hanging out with gd frens much
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u should know im referring to u
(*_*) says:
ok
(*_*) says:
SORRY HMM RATHER BUSY LATELY
(*_*) says:
next timek
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
alright, i understand lah
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
a "hi" or "how are you" is enough to make me happy
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
but u dun even noe lah..why are u SO blur?
(*_*) says:
oh
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
am i scaring u?
(*_*) says:
nope
(*_*) says:
i now doin research on gp hw. how abt u
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
oh, then goodbye.
My hands were trembling with anger as I closed our conversation window. I know I know, it's my fault that I loved him so much, knowing very well how my affections wont be reciprocated. But how can anyone with a conscience plainly ignore my pleas for his concern? He doesnt even bother to explain why he refuses to acknowledge me in school.
The 6 years of friendship we had...and it amounts to a mere glance in my direction whenever we cross path. My heart is wrenching so horribly. He meant so much more to me than 52. I came to NJ and am suffering this mindless torture because of him, but did he understand that?
I hate you Fifi. I really do. If you cant even offer a word of concern ( I didnt even care if it was out of sincerity or because I forced you), we're over. I dont care how everyone thinks you're an incredibly decent and nice guy, because who knows you better than I do? You, are simply a toot-head. I'd like to say "Go to Hell", but I still love you, so there.
My life's so seriously screwed. I lost the love of my life, my bestest friend, my dreams all in 1 year. Im scared, so very scared, because I've never lived one day of my life not thinking about Fifi. He's like my mirror image- I have to see him everyday, or feel immensely uneasy. The mere sight of him makes me smile like when I see 52. I'd scream and dash to him whenever we meet, even in the middle of the canteen, where I attract loads of unwanted attention. I'd even name my son after him. And yet?
Life without him.... You shouldnt blame me if I ever become psychotic.
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
love u
(*_*) says:
hihi
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
blah
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u're so unaffectionate
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
i need ur support u noe, have been so sad lately
(*_*) says:
that's me haha
(*_*) says:
yup i noe
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
oh how do u noe, im surprised u even do
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
we dont even talk anymore
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
sigh
(*_*) says:
natini and xiu hui came to me and talk abt it
(*_*) says:
durig monday
(*_*) says:
when u were absent
(*_*) says:
tuesday
(*_*) says:
i mean
(*_*) says:
how r u now?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
i was just getting better
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
then came the CTs results
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
fifi, i wish it was like in sec4, at least i had you around
(*_*) says:
same too
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
it sounds funny, but life is really less happy without a gd fren
(*_*) says:
really
(*_*) says:
i thought u have the other 3 close companions with u
(*_*) says:
that i always see one
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u toot head!
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
next time be there for me when i need u can?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u idiot! always cant find u when im sad
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
and u dun even care abt me!
(*_*) says:
oh i was rather busy now
(*_*) says:
due to cca
(*_*) says:
are u too stressed p lately due to study?
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
yeah sort of
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
and i havent been hanging out with gd frens much
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
u should know im referring to u
(*_*) says:
ok
(*_*) says:
SORRY HMM RATHER BUSY LATELY
(*_*) says:
next timek
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
alright, i understand lah
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
a "hi" or "how are you" is enough to make me happy
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
but u dun even noe lah..why are u SO blur?
(*_*) says:
oh
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
am i scaring u?
(*_*) says:
nope
(*_*) says:
i now doin research on gp hw. how abt u
happy happy happy. dear life, make me happy again. says:
oh, then goodbye.
My hands were trembling with anger as I closed our conversation window. I know I know, it's my fault that I loved him so much, knowing very well how my affections wont be reciprocated. But how can anyone with a conscience plainly ignore my pleas for his concern? He doesnt even bother to explain why he refuses to acknowledge me in school.
The 6 years of friendship we had...and it amounts to a mere glance in my direction whenever we cross path. My heart is wrenching so horribly. He meant so much more to me than 52. I came to NJ and am suffering this mindless torture because of him, but did he understand that?
I hate you Fifi. I really do. If you cant even offer a word of concern ( I didnt even care if it was out of sincerity or because I forced you), we're over. I dont care how everyone thinks you're an incredibly decent and nice guy, because who knows you better than I do? You, are simply a toot-head. I'd like to say "Go to Hell", but I still love you, so there.
My life's so seriously screwed. I lost the love of my life, my bestest friend, my dreams all in 1 year. Im scared, so very scared, because I've never lived one day of my life not thinking about Fifi. He's like my mirror image- I have to see him everyday, or feel immensely uneasy. The mere sight of him makes me smile like when I see 52. I'd scream and dash to him whenever we meet, even in the middle of the canteen, where I attract loads of unwanted attention. I'd even name my son after him. And yet?
Life without him.... You shouldnt blame me if I ever become psychotic.
dysphoria came at 10:22 PM
|
Was chatting with the Darling at Starbucks, when I saw the most blissful family ever.
They were sprawled snugly on the comfy sofa, going on with the usual Sunday activities. Mother was reading the English papers with baby sleeping on her lap, Dad was reading Chinese papers, Dad brings baby out for a walk while Mum switches to Chi papers...
The baby.
She's SO ADORABLE AND ENDEARING.
Even mundane routine could bring out all the love in a family.
A weird recurring thought struck me then. I can live well without a husband, but not children. Heh. I wanna hurry up and go adopt a child. It will be a He, and I shall call him WenFoo (no surprises), nurture him into someone like my Fifi, and let him learn soccer (because I wanna see 52 in every guy I love). Ah nevermind, I clearly am weird tonight....
It's been a tiring weekend, but I think it's the first in which I didnt cry. Good. I hope the joy lasts.
They were sprawled snugly on the comfy sofa, going on with the usual Sunday activities. Mother was reading the English papers with baby sleeping on her lap, Dad was reading Chinese papers, Dad brings baby out for a walk while Mum switches to Chi papers...
The baby.
She's SO ADORABLE AND ENDEARING.
Even mundane routine could bring out all the love in a family.
A weird recurring thought struck me then. I can live well without a husband, but not children. Heh. I wanna hurry up and go adopt a child. It will be a He, and I shall call him WenFoo (no surprises), nurture him into someone like my Fifi, and let him learn soccer (because I wanna see 52 in every guy I love). Ah nevermind, I clearly am weird tonight....
It's been a tiring weekend, but I think it's the first in which I didnt cry. Good. I hope the joy lasts.
dysphoria came at 10:19 PM
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Oh, I must mention seeing Shawn Yue at Wisma yesterday.
It's Shawn, Shawn, Shawn in big, life-sized posters!!!!! Im so glad we walked around, and all that treat to the eyes made me happy a lil. It took me all my determination not to let my gaze linger too long on that perfect, angular face-because it would be terribly boring if we spent the whole day looking at him wouldnt it? Heh.
Please, would anyone accompany me to Wisma soon? We'll have the fun-nest oggling session (well at least it'll be fun for me!), because there are other equally delectable stars at the photography exhibition. And I wont mind camping there the whole day just to think about Shaun...not, Shau....Argh. Shawn!!
It's Shawn, Shawn, Shawn in big, life-sized posters!!!!! Im so glad we walked around, and all that treat to the eyes made me happy a lil. It took me all my determination not to let my gaze linger too long on that perfect, angular face-because it would be terribly boring if we spent the whole day looking at him wouldnt it? Heh.
Please, would anyone accompany me to Wisma soon? We'll have the fun-nest oggling session (well at least it'll be fun for me!), because there are other equally delectable stars at the photography exhibition. And I wont mind camping there the whole day just to think about Shaun...not, Shau....Argh. Shawn!!
" That whether or not a relationship works out is based not on how much love one feels for another, but on compatibility. I initially dismissed his opinion, saying that it was merely mad rantings of "a jaded 20-something" and that what mattered most was "love sweet love". But now I believe that it might just be true."
That made me think of him, and cry like my heart was broken all over again. We arent compatible, and it doesnt matter how many glances we each stole at each other. Even if he did pick up his courage to ask me out, will we ever last?? We're like Angels and Devils, waging eternal conflicts with each other.
dysphoria came at 11:10 AM
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The Boys
Victoria Brody does sound as nice as Victoria Zhang.
Im evidently wasting precious seconds of my oh-so-fulfilling academic life dreaming.
But look...
I'd give anything to hold him right now.
Goofy, yet capable of being dark, brooding and mysterious- that's very delectable in terms of the Vic Radar.
A scene right out of Spider-man! It's sizzling hot I tell ya. Apparently Im darn jealous of Rachel Bilson. But they look superbly compatible as a couple, it's a joy to watch them bickering and brazenly flirting on the google box. I wanna be her!!!!
As of this moment, there's only 2 men in the world I'd marry without a doubt. Heh. Endearing, curly hair, goofiness, sparkling charm, good skin, hot lanky bod...
Im dying for them. (: (and yes, I do know I always fall for the unattainable guys, but please allow me to indulge a lil)
Victoria Brody does sound as nice as Victoria Zhang.
Im evidently wasting precious seconds of my oh-so-fulfilling academic life dreaming.
But look...
I'd give anything to hold him right now.
Goofy, yet capable of being dark, brooding and mysterious- that's very delectable in terms of the Vic Radar.
A scene right out of Spider-man! It's sizzling hot I tell ya. Apparently Im darn jealous of Rachel Bilson. But they look superbly compatible as a couple, it's a joy to watch them bickering and brazenly flirting on the google box. I wanna be her!!!!
As of this moment, there's only 2 men in the world I'd marry without a doubt. Heh. Endearing, curly hair, goofiness, sparkling charm, good skin, hot lanky bod...
Im dying for them. (: (and yes, I do know I always fall for the unattainable guys, but please allow me to indulge a lil)
dysphoria came at 7:38 PM
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When the End's Not As Distant As You Think It Is.
Im imploring any kind old soul who still reads this, to kindly take a knife, rapture my ripcage and rip this dying heart out.
It wont be bleeding, I can guarantee you that. Because all that crimson fluid has flowed dry since last year.
I dont want to feel anymore.
And you know what? I suddenly identify with Marissa Cooper, undeniably one of the most tragic characters ever created by Hollywood. Screwed relationships, family problems, crushed dreams...yet everyone thinks she's happy and fortunate. Yeah, Im not as beautiful, but I guess we're on par when it comes to playing the long-suffering, angst-ridden teen. And "angst" isnt a phase. Phases dont last for an eternity and hurl you straight into Death Valley. It's the work of brutal fate.
If there's a painless one-way ticket to Heaven, please kindly inform me of it. I need to end this torture, like RIGHT NOW.
We all have our own issues to battle. Im sorry I cant be there for you guys when you're down. I know you've always been there for me. I really wish Im stronger in times like this, so at least I could repay the kindness...but alas! My heart failed me. And you guys still have to worry about me when you're not so good yourselves. Im sorry, I dont wish for it to be like this. I wasnt even like that before I entered NJ. I guess something screwed up big time along the way.
You know, if Im dead, I wont pose a problem/cause of concern anymore. Hoho.
Im imploring any kind old soul who still reads this, to kindly take a knife, rapture my ripcage and rip this dying heart out.
It wont be bleeding, I can guarantee you that. Because all that crimson fluid has flowed dry since last year.
I dont want to feel anymore.
And you know what? I suddenly identify with Marissa Cooper, undeniably one of the most tragic characters ever created by Hollywood. Screwed relationships, family problems, crushed dreams...yet everyone thinks she's happy and fortunate. Yeah, Im not as beautiful, but I guess we're on par when it comes to playing the long-suffering, angst-ridden teen. And "angst" isnt a phase. Phases dont last for an eternity and hurl you straight into Death Valley. It's the work of brutal fate.
If there's a painless one-way ticket to Heaven, please kindly inform me of it. I need to end this torture, like RIGHT NOW.
We all have our own issues to battle. Im sorry I cant be there for you guys when you're down. I know you've always been there for me. I really wish Im stronger in times like this, so at least I could repay the kindness...but alas! My heart failed me. And you guys still have to worry about me when you're not so good yourselves. Im sorry, I dont wish for it to be like this. I wasnt even like that before I entered NJ. I guess something screwed up big time along the way.
You know, if Im dead, I wont pose a problem/cause of concern anymore. Hoho.
dysphoria came at 11:35 AM
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