The family always eats out on weekends, much to my delight.
On Sunday, my Dad decided to take the scenic route, and drove us along Bt Timah. Due to the impenetrable canopy of Raintrees, a dense velvety darkness enveloped the whole area. We passed SCGS, ACS, Hwa Chong, and finally, my beloved NJ.
Then it struck me, that I'm actually living a dream.
Sounds damn nice eh?
At least, that was my dream a decade ago. When I was in the midst of childhood, I'd always admire in awe at the "beautiful" compound that was lighted up at night. It seemed so majestic, so unattainable, so much like a paradise to me then. Being lighted up shrouds it in a surreal atmosphere, and kids are a sucker for that I guess. I loved the way the school was propped up on top of a hill, with a sprawling field flanking it. It shone like a star in the night. Even HC, which is just across the road, failed to pry my curious eyes away from the school I dreamed of attending.
That was way before I started becoming the ardent ACS/Raffles worshipper that I am today. I didnt know about school culture, about stress, about my future, and even about really "studying". All I thought was that beautiful school along Bt Timah took my breath away. I had to be a student there, even if it takes all my efforts. Haha, I guess you could say I was easily satisfied then.
Really, I couldnt remember how deeply infatuated with NJ since young until we drove past it that night. Now that Im a true-blue, undeniable NJCian, shouldnt I be grateful? Shouldnt I be crying out in joy that the "beautiful school" was now my second home, and that Im free to explore, to embrace every nook and cranny?
You see, it's funny how people change over the years. Oh, and you dont often appreciate the good things around you until destiny decides to shake you hard by the shoulders, and force you to take in all that beauty.
I think my 8 year old self would be whooping with enthusiasm, for being able to fufil her dream. She would egg me on, and force me to appreciate my every last moment in NJ, before everything flashes by in a blur, and I graduate. She's this incredibly optimistic, spunky chick who's ever so passionate about everything that matter to her. She'll love NJ, if she were here.
But everything's changed. Im no longer her. NanHua and NJ changed me.
For my childhood dreams, I should try to love and be proud of my school. After all, I did once fall in love with it, didnt I?
Love,
Vicks
On Sunday, my Dad decided to take the scenic route, and drove us along Bt Timah. Due to the impenetrable canopy of Raintrees, a dense velvety darkness enveloped the whole area. We passed SCGS, ACS, Hwa Chong, and finally, my beloved NJ.
Then it struck me, that I'm actually living a dream.
Sounds damn nice eh?
At least, that was my dream a decade ago. When I was in the midst of childhood, I'd always admire in awe at the "beautiful" compound that was lighted up at night. It seemed so majestic, so unattainable, so much like a paradise to me then. Being lighted up shrouds it in a surreal atmosphere, and kids are a sucker for that I guess. I loved the way the school was propped up on top of a hill, with a sprawling field flanking it. It shone like a star in the night. Even HC, which is just across the road, failed to pry my curious eyes away from the school I dreamed of attending.
That was way before I started becoming the ardent ACS/Raffles worshipper that I am today. I didnt know about school culture, about stress, about my future, and even about really "studying". All I thought was that beautiful school along Bt Timah took my breath away. I had to be a student there, even if it takes all my efforts. Haha, I guess you could say I was easily satisfied then.
Really, I couldnt remember how deeply infatuated with NJ since young until we drove past it that night. Now that Im a true-blue, undeniable NJCian, shouldnt I be grateful? Shouldnt I be crying out in joy that the "beautiful school" was now my second home, and that Im free to explore, to embrace every nook and cranny?
You see, it's funny how people change over the years. Oh, and you dont often appreciate the good things around you until destiny decides to shake you hard by the shoulders, and force you to take in all that beauty.
I think my 8 year old self would be whooping with enthusiasm, for being able to fufil her dream. She would egg me on, and force me to appreciate my every last moment in NJ, before everything flashes by in a blur, and I graduate. She's this incredibly optimistic, spunky chick who's ever so passionate about everything that matter to her. She'll love NJ, if she were here.
But everything's changed. Im no longer her. NanHua and NJ changed me.
For my childhood dreams, I should try to love and be proud of my school. After all, I did once fall in love with it, didnt I?
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 8:06 PM
|
9pm and the clock's ticking too fast for my liking. I've 2 frickin tests tomorrow, and barely covered one. No big deal, you say...well deep down, I believe that too. It's just that every second of my life is made to fufil the expectations of others. If I could, I'd go to school every, with work undone and smiling like I have no cares in the world.
My dear friend Ah Yang, hasnt handed in a single assignment since school started. If I were him, I would have fretted till I shed my whole mop of hair. I've build up so much hopes and dreams of others around me, and myself that I cant fail now. I seriously have no more motivation to study, thus everyday is spent rotting away in front of my darling comp, or dreaming of a life away from school. Homework will be left half completed, and then I'll start stressing myself up by whining and complaining. I'll hate school and my procrastination and my stupidity.
All this, because I couldnt let people down.
It's sad. I have to continue on 4 more arduous years of education, when all I wanna do is run. I need to get away, to embrace my passions, and not be pressure-cooked till my brain steams. I need the Arts and day-dreams to restore my essence...but HOW MUCH FRICKIN TIME DO I HAVE? I cant even sleep in peace without feeling guilty.
What should I do? I guess there's only 2 options eh...
1) Be like Ah yang, and earn the respect of slackers, by being the ultimate one myself. I'd embrace life with such optimism, I'll never ever think of suicide again. I'll smile even when I fail in life. My soul and mind will be contented, but I'll leave others in dismay.
2) MUG!!!!! Waste 4 more years bathing in misery and stress. A successful future will not be guaranteed, but I'd make others around me happy and proud. Occasional suicidal tendencies may arise, and I might eventually succumb. But if I do survive, I'll be deemed as "brilliant" and be the object of worship.
So many paradoxes...I think they're the most beautiful options in the world, no?
Who could guarantee my success and happiness if I strive hard now?
I sincerely admire her bravery. A few days ago, she ended her life by jumping down a 15-story building. She always hated her life, and understood that she was never meant to live. Death, to her, was freedom. No doubt it's a pity to put a stopper to life when there will be many chances of happiness in the future. But who can understand what we really feel? Going gets too unbearable most of the time...and endurance saps so much outta us..death is a release. When everything just piles on relentlessly, even the strongest metal pole breaks.
For me, it will always be an open option, if the road ever gets too dreary.
Vicks
Psst...Belle de Jour's book is finally out!! (albeit in bookshelves of the UK only). But it's ok, I'll wait patiently. Somewhere in the vast, borderless universe, my parallel will be called Belle and live the life she lives.
My dear friend Ah Yang, hasnt handed in a single assignment since school started. If I were him, I would have fretted till I shed my whole mop of hair. I've build up so much hopes and dreams of others around me, and myself that I cant fail now. I seriously have no more motivation to study, thus everyday is spent rotting away in front of my darling comp, or dreaming of a life away from school. Homework will be left half completed, and then I'll start stressing myself up by whining and complaining. I'll hate school and my procrastination and my stupidity.
All this, because I couldnt let people down.
It's sad. I have to continue on 4 more arduous years of education, when all I wanna do is run. I need to get away, to embrace my passions, and not be pressure-cooked till my brain steams. I need the Arts and day-dreams to restore my essence...but HOW MUCH FRICKIN TIME DO I HAVE? I cant even sleep in peace without feeling guilty.
What should I do? I guess there's only 2 options eh...
1) Be like Ah yang, and earn the respect of slackers, by being the ultimate one myself. I'd embrace life with such optimism, I'll never ever think of suicide again. I'll smile even when I fail in life. My soul and mind will be contented, but I'll leave others in dismay.
2) MUG!!!!! Waste 4 more years bathing in misery and stress. A successful future will not be guaranteed, but I'd make others around me happy and proud. Occasional suicidal tendencies may arise, and I might eventually succumb. But if I do survive, I'll be deemed as "brilliant" and be the object of worship.
So many paradoxes...I think they're the most beautiful options in the world, no?
Who could guarantee my success and happiness if I strive hard now?
I sincerely admire her bravery. A few days ago, she ended her life by jumping down a 15-story building. She always hated her life, and understood that she was never meant to live. Death, to her, was freedom. No doubt it's a pity to put a stopper to life when there will be many chances of happiness in the future. But who can understand what we really feel? Going gets too unbearable most of the time...and endurance saps so much outta us..death is a release. When everything just piles on relentlessly, even the strongest metal pole breaks.
For me, it will always be an open option, if the road ever gets too dreary.
Vicks
Psst...Belle de Jour's book is finally out!! (albeit in bookshelves of the UK only). But it's ok, I'll wait patiently. Somewhere in the vast, borderless universe, my parallel will be called Belle and live the life she lives.
dysphoria came at 11:45 AM
|
I was busy scribbling away, when outta a sudden, I stopped and looked at my wrists.
Smooth, milky skin stretched taut over luminescent blue, pulsating veins. 3 or 4 tiny blue streams winded through my upper forearm, almost like a long faded tattoo. Perfectly beautiful. It's funny how the wrists are only one of the many pulse points of the body, but hold so much significance over life. Dont believe me?
Ask suiciders. Those who survived I mean.
I always thought slitting that smooth stretch of skin would be the most romantic way to die. That's a darn gothic and scary thought...but well, I think. (: There were several times in my 17 year life that I've contemplated seriously on marring the only source of beauty on my body. But I didnt have the guts. Pain scares me so much, it should keep lonliness company.
Do it down the road, not across the street if you're dumb enough. TV shows and movies dont mean to promote suicide, thus, they go all the way out to mislead. Haha. I dont expect you to get what I mean, only insiders know.
"Down the road". Oh well, that's the direction I wish I'll never hafta go.
Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know, I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying "Fool, forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go"
Hold on 'till the end
That's what I intend to do
Smooth, milky skin stretched taut over luminescent blue, pulsating veins. 3 or 4 tiny blue streams winded through my upper forearm, almost like a long faded tattoo. Perfectly beautiful. It's funny how the wrists are only one of the many pulse points of the body, but hold so much significance over life. Dont believe me?
Ask suiciders. Those who survived I mean.
I always thought slitting that smooth stretch of skin would be the most romantic way to die. That's a darn gothic and scary thought...but well, I think. (: There were several times in my 17 year life that I've contemplated seriously on marring the only source of beauty on my body. But I didnt have the guts. Pain scares me so much, it should keep lonliness company.
Do it down the road, not across the street if you're dumb enough. TV shows and movies dont mean to promote suicide, thus, they go all the way out to mislead. Haha. I dont expect you to get what I mean, only insiders know.
"Down the road". Oh well, that's the direction I wish I'll never hafta go.
Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know, I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying "Fool, forget him"
My heart is saying "Don't let go"
Hold on 'till the end
That's what I intend to do
dysphoria came at 8:11 PM
|
101 (well almost) reasons why Vicks was ticking like an atomic bomb yesterday
1. There were NO frickin lessons, which means I'll be spared of my constant migraines and frowns, and let optimism shine through!
2. No lessons means no overdue homework, which means no unnecessary "pulling-out-my-hair" moments.
3. Road Run was darn fun. Boon, Xiuhui, Yingxiu and I were strolling the WHOLE route together, admiring beautiful properties, whipping up our own fantasies in those houses, and of course, jokes and teasings were bountiful. Man, Im thinking from that day on, the residences of Bt Timah will live in fear of a deafening, creepy, hyena-like laughter that echoed through the estates. Haha...I really laughed that heartily (:
4. We didnt even pace up despite constant (and weak) persuasions by teachers and road marshalls alike. It's satisfying to be rebellious occasionally, even when one is in NJ.
5. The final 400m or so was around the track in school. This means that practically the whole school was watching, and cheering us on, when the four LAST girls of the J2s sprinted in. It was the most hilarious run ever. Ying xiu was trailing behind, and I kept looking back and bursting out in laughter. Near the finishing line, calls of "Surprise!" and " Go yingxiu!" were alternated...which most certainly didnt keep us from more laughter.
6. Im learning NOT to look away when someone meets my eyes. I've learnt that this strange behaviour is due to severe lack in self-confidence. Like can one ever imagine, Im actually suffering from that? But yeah...it's the tragic truth. And, guess who's the very unfortunate target? Lol!! It's Daffy!!! This makes it the second time I've had such "training" with him. Haha. I'd still look away when I get too nervous, ie the stares last too long, but yeah...Im improving fast (:
7. When Mass Dance ensued, I didnt even feel like participating. That was until I saw Tweety manoeuvring his moves with such blazing fervour, he could practically fly with every swing! Hohoho. That's because he's reed-thin. I used to agree with XH and YX that he's adorable and endearing...but was never as crazy as them over him. That's because I dont go for younger boys with a face so small, it's half of mine. But then, I LOVE BOYS WHO DANCE! They dont have to be smooth dancers like Usher, but as long as the enthusiasm and charm is present, they'd win me over. 100% , no doubt about that. Tweety was SOOOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE. I screamed like what usually happens when I see 52 work out his moves. When Summer Nights started, XH and I sprinted onto the track, and planted ourselves right behind him. Hoho. There's no need to elaborate what happens next, except that there's a lot more screaming, swooning, and obstruction caused by YX and Nan who were terrified of me "snatching" Tweety away.
8. Shopping again! With dearest Boon and YX. I was out till 7-ish, and I never knew fun hours could drag on for this long. Had a real crazy time teasing YX and her "Surprise", and this made me think, perhaps Boon and I should go be disciples of Yichao's teachings. He's damn good with such irrelevant but damn hilarious jokes. Ok, I didnt buy a single thing, but well I spent 50 bucks. Guess what is it about peeps!!
To top up my farecard!
Argh! I was so darn absentminded and blur to think that there was gonna be change for a 50-dollar note. Stupid, stupid me! Hmph! Thank god I still have use for this value!
9. I realised that Jan 2005 is the only month since JC that I've been to town every single week! Lol. It's been an eventful month, and now that we've entered the dying days of Jan, Im wishing Feb is gonna be more interesting! Hoho. After all, there's the over-hyped Vday, CNY and it's the shortest month of ze year!
10. It was simply one of those days when I had the messiest mop of hair in the whole world, covered in a thick film of perspiration, but felt like I was walking on pedestals. Happiness lights up your face. There is no need for make-up, hair styling products or even manicures when your entire being's this close to floating. Does anyone besides me, believe in natural beauty anymore?
Love loads,
Vicks
1. There were NO frickin lessons, which means I'll be spared of my constant migraines and frowns, and let optimism shine through!
2. No lessons means no overdue homework, which means no unnecessary "pulling-out-my-hair" moments.
3. Road Run was darn fun. Boon, Xiuhui, Yingxiu and I were strolling the WHOLE route together, admiring beautiful properties, whipping up our own fantasies in those houses, and of course, jokes and teasings were bountiful. Man, Im thinking from that day on, the residences of Bt Timah will live in fear of a deafening, creepy, hyena-like laughter that echoed through the estates. Haha...I really laughed that heartily (:
4. We didnt even pace up despite constant (and weak) persuasions by teachers and road marshalls alike. It's satisfying to be rebellious occasionally, even when one is in NJ.
5. The final 400m or so was around the track in school. This means that practically the whole school was watching, and cheering us on, when the four LAST girls of the J2s sprinted in. It was the most hilarious run ever. Ying xiu was trailing behind, and I kept looking back and bursting out in laughter. Near the finishing line, calls of "Surprise!" and " Go yingxiu!" were alternated...which most certainly didnt keep us from more laughter.
6. Im learning NOT to look away when someone meets my eyes. I've learnt that this strange behaviour is due to severe lack in self-confidence. Like can one ever imagine, Im actually suffering from that? But yeah...it's the tragic truth. And, guess who's the very unfortunate target? Lol!! It's Daffy!!! This makes it the second time I've had such "training" with him. Haha. I'd still look away when I get too nervous, ie the stares last too long, but yeah...Im improving fast (:
7. When Mass Dance ensued, I didnt even feel like participating. That was until I saw Tweety manoeuvring his moves with such blazing fervour, he could practically fly with every swing! Hohoho. That's because he's reed-thin. I used to agree with XH and YX that he's adorable and endearing...but was never as crazy as them over him. That's because I dont go for younger boys with a face so small, it's half of mine. But then, I LOVE BOYS WHO DANCE! They dont have to be smooth dancers like Usher, but as long as the enthusiasm and charm is present, they'd win me over. 100% , no doubt about that. Tweety was SOOOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE. I screamed like what usually happens when I see 52 work out his moves. When Summer Nights started, XH and I sprinted onto the track, and planted ourselves right behind him. Hoho. There's no need to elaborate what happens next, except that there's a lot more screaming, swooning, and obstruction caused by YX and Nan who were terrified of me "snatching" Tweety away.
8. Shopping again! With dearest Boon and YX. I was out till 7-ish, and I never knew fun hours could drag on for this long. Had a real crazy time teasing YX and her "Surprise", and this made me think, perhaps Boon and I should go be disciples of Yichao's teachings. He's damn good with such irrelevant but damn hilarious jokes. Ok, I didnt buy a single thing, but well I spent 50 bucks. Guess what is it about peeps!!
To top up my farecard!
Argh! I was so darn absentminded and blur to think that there was gonna be change for a 50-dollar note. Stupid, stupid me! Hmph! Thank god I still have use for this value!
9. I realised that Jan 2005 is the only month since JC that I've been to town every single week! Lol. It's been an eventful month, and now that we've entered the dying days of Jan, Im wishing Feb is gonna be more interesting! Hoho. After all, there's the over-hyped Vday, CNY and it's the shortest month of ze year!
10. It was simply one of those days when I had the messiest mop of hair in the whole world, covered in a thick film of perspiration, but felt like I was walking on pedestals. Happiness lights up your face. There is no need for make-up, hair styling products or even manicures when your entire being's this close to floating. Does anyone besides me, believe in natural beauty anymore?
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 10:05 AM
|
Anger and frustration makes one unrecognisable. It mars beauty and ruins even the most beautiful of emotions.
For some unknown reason, my terrible mood continued today.
I flared up a little at a friend. She kept inching towards me during a lesson, until we were barely a centimetre apart! I tried moving, but she followed suit too!! I couldnt quite hold my temper during such situations, and was extremely pissed off. "WHHHHHHAAAT?!" I pratically hollered when I felt her shift closer again. Heads turned, but as I said before, consequences dont scare me when Im upset.
And then, I argued with this SUPER ANNOYING Monkey during GP. He was the most unchivalrous, selfish and ill-mannered boy I've ever met. The sight of him boils my blood to such a great extent, perhaps you'd see leucocytes vapourising too. Thou Shalt Never Talk to Him Again. ):
Right now though, you can compare my happiness to a lark. Lol. It's the amazing prospect of a great shopping trip tomorrow, and the lack of necessity to mug.
Please, may Monkey and I never have to cross path.
Love loads,
Vicks
For some unknown reason, my terrible mood continued today.
I flared up a little at a friend. She kept inching towards me during a lesson, until we were barely a centimetre apart! I tried moving, but she followed suit too!! I couldnt quite hold my temper during such situations, and was extremely pissed off. "WHHHHHHAAAT?!" I pratically hollered when I felt her shift closer again. Heads turned, but as I said before, consequences dont scare me when Im upset.
And then, I argued with this SUPER ANNOYING Monkey during GP. He was the most unchivalrous, selfish and ill-mannered boy I've ever met. The sight of him boils my blood to such a great extent, perhaps you'd see leucocytes vapourising too. Thou Shalt Never Talk to Him Again. ):
Right now though, you can compare my happiness to a lark. Lol. It's the amazing prospect of a great shopping trip tomorrow, and the lack of necessity to mug.
Please, may Monkey and I never have to cross path.
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:32 PM
|
The one thing (and prolly the only) I love about Angklung is that nobody bothers when you scream your lungs out during pratices.
Hohoho.
It wasnt a good day for me. Was terribly flustered by the heat, and exhaustion seemed to seep into my bones. A slight depression buried its roots deep in my heart, and refused to budge there after. At times like such, I'll turn into this whiny, grudging infant who doesnt give a damn about consequences. "Fi fi fi fi fi!", "Wen Foo, Foo, Foo, Foo!", "Fee Fi Fo Fum!" and "Meeeeeeeee!" were today's favourite chants. Shouting, provided an instant relief to the immense frustration I felt.
From my seat (in TC16), I'd shout out whenever I felt depression tugging at my heartstrings. Yeah, it was that bad. And can you believe it, out of the whole classroom of 60 plus students and a conductor (the coolest mat ever!!!), no one heard, or bothered. It felt real good. Like only I was given a free reign when everyone else has to obey regulations. Angklung's darn weird that way, but I guess it's prolly the only CCA that's this segregated, indifferent and "laidback".
Anyway, I think the reason for depression finally hit me now. It's perfection.
Ah, it's always that aint it?
PE was THE BEST EVER! We jogged a little jog along Jalan Jurong Kechil...and I fell in love again with the beautiful houses and estates. It was only a tad tiring, but the view was breathaking, considering that we used to run on the track (and then what view is there? the decaying ruins of NJ?). It was eons since I felt that way, but this time, envy overwhelmed me in waves. First, there was my dream house. Resort-styled, replete with wooden furnishings, a large library, a vintage car in the garage, and an adorable dog to boot. Yeah, it's a miracle how I managed to marvel at these stuffs when Im running eh? (:
And then, there were the rich, young people. Hmph! Fancy enjoying life at such a tender age! And not having to work too! I think of my mum, who has been working since 16, and was dreadfully sad for her. Lastly, it was those Caucasians we met at the playground. Ms Choo was darn sweet and kind to let us relive a little of our childhood there. I rushed straight to the see-saw, and managed to persuade a few friends to hop on with me. Oh, the immense fun is undescribable. Imagine being THIS happy during PE eh? It was almost like a class excursion in itself.
Oh, back to those Caucasians. They have a happy family, very, very endearing kids (there was a woman who had 5!!), and inexhaustible wealth. It's pretty apparent from the way they carried themselves. We made small talk, but the envy continued to bathe my heart.
You know, those exclusive, private estates buried deep in the heart of Bt Timah are a class of their own. Towering trees sheltered the houses with their canopies, and the sprawling estates are beautiful like minature manors. It was as if the trees themselves couldnt bare to let the properties be scorched!! I could spend the whole day at the playground, admiring the atmosphere and environment, and be wistful over my unfufilled dreams.
I was sick to the heart of the deepest yearning. I want a life like that...A happy family, freedom, weath, warmth and leisure at my own pace.
Ah, it's funny how a little jog could induce such whimsical thoughts.
Anyway, on the way home, I think the Supreme Being above meant to reprimand me, because I had a sudden revelation. It was the programme on TV Mobile, one of the many these days which mean to tug at your heartstrings. There was this boy, Ah Hock, who was crippled, but continued to achieve great results in school. His father was barely able to walk too, and his Mum earned a living by selling old newspapers. Such is the life of the unfortunate. It makes me guilty to want more. I know I should stop such silly thoughts, but....
who doesnt want to be rich, and happy, and smart, and talented, and....
PERFECT?
(trust me, the perfect life really exists)
Vicks
Hohoho.
It wasnt a good day for me. Was terribly flustered by the heat, and exhaustion seemed to seep into my bones. A slight depression buried its roots deep in my heart, and refused to budge there after. At times like such, I'll turn into this whiny, grudging infant who doesnt give a damn about consequences. "Fi fi fi fi fi!", "Wen Foo, Foo, Foo, Foo!", "Fee Fi Fo Fum!" and "Meeeeeeeee!" were today's favourite chants. Shouting, provided an instant relief to the immense frustration I felt.
From my seat (in TC16), I'd shout out whenever I felt depression tugging at my heartstrings. Yeah, it was that bad. And can you believe it, out of the whole classroom of 60 plus students and a conductor (the coolest mat ever!!!), no one heard, or bothered. It felt real good. Like only I was given a free reign when everyone else has to obey regulations. Angklung's darn weird that way, but I guess it's prolly the only CCA that's this segregated, indifferent and "laidback".
Anyway, I think the reason for depression finally hit me now. It's perfection.
Ah, it's always that aint it?
PE was THE BEST EVER! We jogged a little jog along Jalan Jurong Kechil...and I fell in love again with the beautiful houses and estates. It was only a tad tiring, but the view was breathaking, considering that we used to run on the track (and then what view is there? the decaying ruins of NJ?). It was eons since I felt that way, but this time, envy overwhelmed me in waves. First, there was my dream house. Resort-styled, replete with wooden furnishings, a large library, a vintage car in the garage, and an adorable dog to boot. Yeah, it's a miracle how I managed to marvel at these stuffs when Im running eh? (:
And then, there were the rich, young people. Hmph! Fancy enjoying life at such a tender age! And not having to work too! I think of my mum, who has been working since 16, and was dreadfully sad for her. Lastly, it was those Caucasians we met at the playground. Ms Choo was darn sweet and kind to let us relive a little of our childhood there. I rushed straight to the see-saw, and managed to persuade a few friends to hop on with me. Oh, the immense fun is undescribable. Imagine being THIS happy during PE eh? It was almost like a class excursion in itself.
Oh, back to those Caucasians. They have a happy family, very, very endearing kids (there was a woman who had 5!!), and inexhaustible wealth. It's pretty apparent from the way they carried themselves. We made small talk, but the envy continued to bathe my heart.
You know, those exclusive, private estates buried deep in the heart of Bt Timah are a class of their own. Towering trees sheltered the houses with their canopies, and the sprawling estates are beautiful like minature manors. It was as if the trees themselves couldnt bare to let the properties be scorched!! I could spend the whole day at the playground, admiring the atmosphere and environment, and be wistful over my unfufilled dreams.
I was sick to the heart of the deepest yearning. I want a life like that...A happy family, freedom, weath, warmth and leisure at my own pace.
Ah, it's funny how a little jog could induce such whimsical thoughts.
Anyway, on the way home, I think the Supreme Being above meant to reprimand me, because I had a sudden revelation. It was the programme on TV Mobile, one of the many these days which mean to tug at your heartstrings. There was this boy, Ah Hock, who was crippled, but continued to achieve great results in school. His father was barely able to walk too, and his Mum earned a living by selling old newspapers. Such is the life of the unfortunate. It makes me guilty to want more. I know I should stop such silly thoughts, but....
who doesnt want to be rich, and happy, and smart, and talented, and....
PERFECT?
(trust me, the perfect life really exists)
Vicks
dysphoria came at 10:01 PM
|
Anecdotes of Honey...
It was after maths lecture, and the two of us were the first to reach class. It's nothing surprising, considering the almost inhumanely rapid speed at which Honey walks. Honey went to the Ladies, and I was left in the classroom alone, trying to get 5 mins of sleep. When my eyelids started to feel like iron anvils, a ringing laughter echoed throughout the common corridor. " Hahaha! Hahaha! Ah-Hahaha!" it went, and I was jolted awake. It took me barely a moment to register it belonged to Honey. When she came back, I asked her what was the joke about.
And Xiuhui replied for her, "Nothing! She saw Nanthini walking towards her and started laughing for no reason!". At that moment, Nan joined us in the 2nd row, and asked, "What?!". Oh, you should have seen her innocent and wide-eyed expression. Both Honey and I doubled up with laughter immediately.
During Math tutorial, I was terribly exhausted (due to Bio spa the period before), and bored. As always, I muttered nonsensical and meaningless stuffs to no one in particular. Today, Jack and the Beanstalk takes the spotlight, and hence, I was typically fond of shouting "Fee Fi Fo Fum!". Yes, I did that even during Math class! Everyone's used to my cranky antics now, that they didnt even turn back to look. (: When I finally leaned my head on the table, and muttered that chant again, there was a SUPER DEAFENING "pffft!" beside me, and I was sprayed with droplets of water the next instant.
Well, it wouldnt take an idiot to guess what happened.
Honey, who was seated just beside me, was drinking water and laughing with amusement at the same time. She spat the water on me!!!! Ah, it was hilarious! The whole row (ie our clique) was laughing at the situation. Is "Fee Fi Fo Fum"any funny? Is the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk funny? Haha...they're just meaningless pronounciations, and yet, could delight us to no end. The whole clique is getting crazier by the day, with Honey and I being the pioneers of crankiness.
Oh, I should admit (thought very reluctantly) that Honey and I are actually partners in crime. That is, if you consider laughing at students and teachers alike, a crime (: At least I can be assured of a companion whenever I laugh. We'd affect each other like SARS. No longer will I laugh alone when Im with Honey.
Cheers, to more laughter in NJ!
Love loads,
Vicks
It was after maths lecture, and the two of us were the first to reach class. It's nothing surprising, considering the almost inhumanely rapid speed at which Honey walks. Honey went to the Ladies, and I was left in the classroom alone, trying to get 5 mins of sleep. When my eyelids started to feel like iron anvils, a ringing laughter echoed throughout the common corridor. " Hahaha! Hahaha! Ah-Hahaha!" it went, and I was jolted awake. It took me barely a moment to register it belonged to Honey. When she came back, I asked her what was the joke about.
And Xiuhui replied for her, "Nothing! She saw Nanthini walking towards her and started laughing for no reason!". At that moment, Nan joined us in the 2nd row, and asked, "What?!". Oh, you should have seen her innocent and wide-eyed expression. Both Honey and I doubled up with laughter immediately.
During Math tutorial, I was terribly exhausted (due to Bio spa the period before), and bored. As always, I muttered nonsensical and meaningless stuffs to no one in particular. Today, Jack and the Beanstalk takes the spotlight, and hence, I was typically fond of shouting "Fee Fi Fo Fum!". Yes, I did that even during Math class! Everyone's used to my cranky antics now, that they didnt even turn back to look. (: When I finally leaned my head on the table, and muttered that chant again, there was a SUPER DEAFENING "pffft!" beside me, and I was sprayed with droplets of water the next instant.
Well, it wouldnt take an idiot to guess what happened.
Honey, who was seated just beside me, was drinking water and laughing with amusement at the same time. She spat the water on me!!!! Ah, it was hilarious! The whole row (ie our clique) was laughing at the situation. Is "Fee Fi Fo Fum"any funny? Is the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk funny? Haha...they're just meaningless pronounciations, and yet, could delight us to no end. The whole clique is getting crazier by the day, with Honey and I being the pioneers of crankiness.
Oh, I should admit (thought very reluctantly) that Honey and I are actually partners in crime. That is, if you consider laughing at students and teachers alike, a crime (: At least I can be assured of a companion whenever I laugh. We'd affect each other like SARS. No longer will I laugh alone when Im with Honey.
Cheers, to more laughter in NJ!
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:22 PM
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It only just dawned on me that I have slightly over 250 songs stored in my hard disk. At times like this, when Im all hot and bothered for no particular reason, I'd "music surf".
It took me a whole 10 minutes just to settle on one appropriate enough to soothe me. And so, while I was blasting 借口 over the stereo, mum strolled in and commented, "Nice song!".
Like wow!
Since when have mothers started digging Jay Chou and his undecipherable warbles? Perhaps melancholy strucks a chord regardless of age. Who says sadness hits more dreadfully when you have more life experiences? Compare my life to Paris Hilton's. Lol. She's a whole 5 years older, but do you think she ever felt this much pain in her life? Pain, and sadness have no magnitude. When they hit, they hit. There is no "little hit" or "major hit".
如果要走,请你记得我,
如果难过,请你忘了我
Im still frustrated. Must be Monday Blues. mailto:#@%%! And there's Bio Spa which I absolutely condemn! Im looking forward to weekends and after school time, only because I can sleep then. Correct me if Im wrong, but arent we living this whole year soley for A levels? There seems to be no other purpose for life in 2005. As such, I would consider this a blank in my youth. Youth should be an array of emotions, a spectrum of colours, instead of greyish hues (pun intended!) the mugging seem to be made up of.
A year wasted just like that. Tell me, how many more days would we have left? I've read somewhere that there once lived a city guy who worked long days and nights, till his life was no more. His family and friends were awfully neglected. So one day, his gramps pulled him aside, and showed him two large jars of cat-eye marbles. " The average lifespan of man is 75 years. You have 3900 Saturdays to spend with your family in this lifetime. You've squandered 2500 of it away. Now, there's 700 marbles in each jar. Each represents your Saturday. Each week, Im gonna take one out, as it means you're that much closer to the end of your life." Realisation hit him then, that there's so much more to life, and one should never whittle it away with haste and work. There's nothing more he can do with the vanished marbles. He was lucky, that he still had time to make an impact during his lifetime. He had 1400 Saturdays left, to dedicate to his family and loved ones.
We ALL should take stroll through life's journeys and then maybe, we can learn to appreciate beauty and be happy. If only it were that easy though. Would the society allow that? Could we even let our guards down for a second, and let others scramble ON us to reach to the top?
I've wasted so many of my marbles. But Im gonna take them out with pride each week, because Im gonna enjoy life from now on. Who gives a damn about A levels? It isnt worth 365 days of my life.
So, what are you gonna do with your remaining marbles?
Love,
Vicks
It took me a whole 10 minutes just to settle on one appropriate enough to soothe me. And so, while I was blasting 借口 over the stereo, mum strolled in and commented, "Nice song!".
Like wow!
Since when have mothers started digging Jay Chou and his undecipherable warbles? Perhaps melancholy strucks a chord regardless of age. Who says sadness hits more dreadfully when you have more life experiences? Compare my life to Paris Hilton's. Lol. She's a whole 5 years older, but do you think she ever felt this much pain in her life? Pain, and sadness have no magnitude. When they hit, they hit. There is no "little hit" or "major hit".
如果要走,请你记得我,
如果难过,请你忘了我
Im still frustrated. Must be Monday Blues. mailto:#@%%! And there's Bio Spa which I absolutely condemn! Im looking forward to weekends and after school time, only because I can sleep then. Correct me if Im wrong, but arent we living this whole year soley for A levels? There seems to be no other purpose for life in 2005. As such, I would consider this a blank in my youth. Youth should be an array of emotions, a spectrum of colours, instead of greyish hues (pun intended!) the mugging seem to be made up of.
A year wasted just like that. Tell me, how many more days would we have left? I've read somewhere that there once lived a city guy who worked long days and nights, till his life was no more. His family and friends were awfully neglected. So one day, his gramps pulled him aside, and showed him two large jars of cat-eye marbles. " The average lifespan of man is 75 years. You have 3900 Saturdays to spend with your family in this lifetime. You've squandered 2500 of it away. Now, there's 700 marbles in each jar. Each represents your Saturday. Each week, Im gonna take one out, as it means you're that much closer to the end of your life." Realisation hit him then, that there's so much more to life, and one should never whittle it away with haste and work. There's nothing more he can do with the vanished marbles. He was lucky, that he still had time to make an impact during his lifetime. He had 1400 Saturdays left, to dedicate to his family and loved ones.
We ALL should take stroll through life's journeys and then maybe, we can learn to appreciate beauty and be happy. If only it were that easy though. Would the society allow that? Could we even let our guards down for a second, and let others scramble ON us to reach to the top?
I've wasted so many of my marbles. But Im gonna take them out with pride each week, because Im gonna enjoy life from now on. Who gives a damn about A levels? It isnt worth 365 days of my life.
So, what are you gonna do with your remaining marbles?
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 11:12 PM
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Ohk, that previous post goes very far to show how much I suck at blogging about cheerful and random events.
Perhaps it's written in the stars that I will blossom into a gothic, depressive poet/author that has a mind submerged in the murky waters that are her tears. Seriously, I can even imagine myself in this dank, musty room, with a dark shawl draped over me, and writing feverishly over scraps of paper. The room would have decaying walls, poorly covered with frames of random Renaissance art pieces and lit only by a single, burning candle.
Hahaha! I live in the Victorian times, dont I? (: And perhaps I'll have this equally eccentric musician as a neighbour. He'll be tall, dark, intense and mysterious....whose quirks and unwitting charm will bewitch me, ala 52's. His music would inspire my tragic, love stories; and in turn, I'd inspire melancholic melodies outta him. We'd go on tours in art museums, revel in plays and musicals and take long, midnight walks in the gardens. We'll observe interesting characters at local cafes, stare into space for long periods of time...and even admire in silence, those falling maple leaves. The essence of each season would be captured in both music and words. So would love. We'll be poor, but very much blissful.
Ah. I'd love that kinda Arcadian life, something Singapore could never provide for.
Dammit people, if you think my dream's weird, dont tell me! Haha.
[[The love that lasts the longest, is often one that's never returned]]
Love
vicks
Perhaps it's written in the stars that I will blossom into a gothic, depressive poet/author that has a mind submerged in the murky waters that are her tears. Seriously, I can even imagine myself in this dank, musty room, with a dark shawl draped over me, and writing feverishly over scraps of paper. The room would have decaying walls, poorly covered with frames of random Renaissance art pieces and lit only by a single, burning candle.
Hahaha! I live in the Victorian times, dont I? (: And perhaps I'll have this equally eccentric musician as a neighbour. He'll be tall, dark, intense and mysterious....whose quirks and unwitting charm will bewitch me, ala 52's. His music would inspire my tragic, love stories; and in turn, I'd inspire melancholic melodies outta him. We'd go on tours in art museums, revel in plays and musicals and take long, midnight walks in the gardens. We'll observe interesting characters at local cafes, stare into space for long periods of time...and even admire in silence, those falling maple leaves. The essence of each season would be captured in both music and words. So would love. We'll be poor, but very much blissful.
Ah. I'd love that kinda Arcadian life, something Singapore could never provide for.
Dammit people, if you think my dream's weird, dont tell me! Haha.
[[The love that lasts the longest, is often one that's never returned]]
Love
vicks
dysphoria came at 11:26 AM
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I just pierced my ears! Tra-lala! I've to bear with this pair of "starry" studs for 2 months, but Im already dreaming of all the gold, loopy and dangling earrings I can finally wear.
It cost me, or rather my mum, a whooping 50 bucks!! I can proudly announce that it's worth every single cent though, because there was little pain (besides a stinging sensation that refused to subside) and the consultants were SUPER sweet ((: Go to B*dazzle for piercings guys! I wouldnt so shamelessly publicise for a store, unless Im aboslutely satisfied with its service (: Besides Ritz Carlton, it was the only time I was contented with the local service industry.
So anyway, the first thing I did after piercing was to text my 2 dearest, most loving jokers: Hui and Lan. Heh. It was prolly because like me, they didnt have any piercings, and thus, I wanted to convince them...that you'd go a long way with earrings! And take a look at what silly Lan replied:
" wow. congrats :) feel so happy for you. finally another way to beautify your pretty face! lol."
Ah, that comment's almost hair-raisingly embarassing for me. Hoho. After what Huan Hui said about me, I guess every single praise is gonna sound like words drenched in sarcasm. More of that later.
About Thursday
So, what occured that made me post that "Imma-bitch-I-should-be-so-grateful-for-what-I-have" entry? We had class outing, and trust me, I was never this proud and contented with my class.
It was such a brilliant idea to gather our class at this time of the year, for moral-boosting (eap for me! you guys should know why) and maybe more. We had lunch at Yoshi, against my utmost protests, but I was amazed at how wonderful company more than makes up for horrid food. We laughed loudly (like what's new, with me around?), joked like immature primary school kids, and played with disgusting leftover food. ((: Well, that's my kinda twisted humour.
We shopped tonnes after the eating. It's always a hilarious exprience for me, to observe how the guys would always stand outside shops, looking dazed and confused..while the girls would yak excitedly away, commenting on and comparing stuffs. When we stepped out of Heerens, bidding goodbye to 3/4 of the class, I cried.
Can you believe it, crying in the hub of Orchard Road, with a large group of grey figures around me? My, the attention I must have attracted! Hohoho. It was all because of an old man promoting Christianity, or some "Save the Earth" crap. He wasnt your typical, coffee shop ah pek. This was a Caucasian, complete with VERY tousled and bushy hair, decayed teeth, crinkled, prunish face and an ancient shirt with TORN sleeves!! The sight was darn pathetic, and I was so uneasy, and sad for him, that I couldnt control the tears. With a cue of "why are your eyes so red?" from Eunice, I just broke down.
It's kinda funny thinking of it. Dear Qingyang even asked, "Why you cry?". As if it wasnt apparent enough?! Ah, that's my class guys for you. Terribly weird people they are. That was a moment of reckoning for me. That old man seemed to carry all the sadness in the world. Yes, like Nan said, he might be a con-man for all I know....but, at least the imaged portrayed was eerily heart-wrenching. If someone like that could shoulder all his burdens, I believe then, that I surely can too. It's a mere matter of attitude (:
Then, there were 6 of us left, Yang and Barney being the 2 only guys. Hahahahaha. I adore their weird expressions when we were in Fareast. Stupid ah Yang was commenting that everything was ugly, and Barney looked so eager to pick up "shopping skills". It's really hard to imagine someone like Ah Yang in a place as such, but.....miracles do happen. And he has to get accustomed to it too, for Honey (private joke!).
In short, I had the most fun with NJ people and had my love for 04s27 rekindled again. It burns as brightly as the stars now ((:
On Friday
Went to town (again!) with Choifong and Huanhui. They were one of my few besties in Nanhua, and gosh, I really miss them alot. Im terribly fond of their constant disagreements with each other, the one-of-a-kind childishness which seem to be present only in Nanhuarians and our relentless teasings!
Town was horrendously crowded with throngs of young peeps. It was like a huge gathering of all local teenagers, with only one aim: to shop. Hoho. I saw Ferro, Xuan and her mum, Huimin and Yunqi and........MY HAWT GUY!
god!! he was clad in a pink polo shirt, and a cap ((: I didnt think he recognised me, perhaps the grey uniform uglifies even the most prominent beauty (jk, jk!). I didnt stalk him, only because Huan and Choi was complaining that he wasnt good-looking. What the?!! He's the best available in NJ....and I guess the lack of eye candy a drought that can never go away. I was thinking, if only Nan, or Chus were with me...because they would happily agree to my crazy antics of oggling, laughing and stalking.
Huan kept saying I was fat, which pissed me off to no end. Even if she was joking, it cut deeply. Girls are uber sensitive to that, so yeah...guys reading this (only Kel and lulu), DONT ever say that forbidden word to girls. Too make matters worse, she was laughing at every piece of clothing while Choi and I shopped. She'd pull a skirt and proudly remark, "Look! The skirt is stretchable! Hehehehehe!" or "So ugly! *giggle, giggle*". It's funny when Choi is oblivious to everything Huan said, and they both'll ALWAYS bicker over inconsequential stuffs.
Oh, and I spent so much, I think my allowance is depleted. :( I wont say what I bought, because it's too shameful to admit what a shopaholic I am.
It's gratifying to know that, when a friendship lasts this long, you can be sure that you'll have such friends for life.
Cheers! To the wonderful companionship that surpasses the measure of time! ((:
Vicks
It cost me, or rather my mum, a whooping 50 bucks!! I can proudly announce that it's worth every single cent though, because there was little pain (besides a stinging sensation that refused to subside) and the consultants were SUPER sweet ((: Go to B*dazzle for piercings guys! I wouldnt so shamelessly publicise for a store, unless Im aboslutely satisfied with its service (: Besides Ritz Carlton, it was the only time I was contented with the local service industry.
So anyway, the first thing I did after piercing was to text my 2 dearest, most loving jokers: Hui and Lan. Heh. It was prolly because like me, they didnt have any piercings, and thus, I wanted to convince them...that you'd go a long way with earrings! And take a look at what silly Lan replied:
" wow. congrats :) feel so happy for you. finally another way to beautify your pretty face! lol."
Ah, that comment's almost hair-raisingly embarassing for me. Hoho. After what Huan Hui said about me, I guess every single praise is gonna sound like words drenched in sarcasm. More of that later.
About Thursday
So, what occured that made me post that "Imma-bitch-I-should-be-so-grateful-for-what-I-have" entry? We had class outing, and trust me, I was never this proud and contented with my class.
It was such a brilliant idea to gather our class at this time of the year, for moral-boosting (eap for me! you guys should know why) and maybe more. We had lunch at Yoshi, against my utmost protests, but I was amazed at how wonderful company more than makes up for horrid food. We laughed loudly (like what's new, with me around?), joked like immature primary school kids, and played with disgusting leftover food. ((: Well, that's my kinda twisted humour.
We shopped tonnes after the eating. It's always a hilarious exprience for me, to observe how the guys would always stand outside shops, looking dazed and confused..while the girls would yak excitedly away, commenting on and comparing stuffs. When we stepped out of Heerens, bidding goodbye to 3/4 of the class, I cried.
Can you believe it, crying in the hub of Orchard Road, with a large group of grey figures around me? My, the attention I must have attracted! Hohoho. It was all because of an old man promoting Christianity, or some "Save the Earth" crap. He wasnt your typical, coffee shop ah pek. This was a Caucasian, complete with VERY tousled and bushy hair, decayed teeth, crinkled, prunish face and an ancient shirt with TORN sleeves!! The sight was darn pathetic, and I was so uneasy, and sad for him, that I couldnt control the tears. With a cue of "why are your eyes so red?" from Eunice, I just broke down.
It's kinda funny thinking of it. Dear Qingyang even asked, "Why you cry?". As if it wasnt apparent enough?! Ah, that's my class guys for you. Terribly weird people they are. That was a moment of reckoning for me. That old man seemed to carry all the sadness in the world. Yes, like Nan said, he might be a con-man for all I know....but, at least the imaged portrayed was eerily heart-wrenching. If someone like that could shoulder all his burdens, I believe then, that I surely can too. It's a mere matter of attitude (:
Then, there were 6 of us left, Yang and Barney being the 2 only guys. Hahahahaha. I adore their weird expressions when we were in Fareast. Stupid ah Yang was commenting that everything was ugly, and Barney looked so eager to pick up "shopping skills". It's really hard to imagine someone like Ah Yang in a place as such, but.....miracles do happen. And he has to get accustomed to it too, for Honey (private joke!).
In short, I had the most fun with NJ people and had my love for 04s27 rekindled again. It burns as brightly as the stars now ((:
On Friday
Went to town (again!) with Choifong and Huanhui. They were one of my few besties in Nanhua, and gosh, I really miss them alot. Im terribly fond of their constant disagreements with each other, the one-of-a-kind childishness which seem to be present only in Nanhuarians and our relentless teasings!
Town was horrendously crowded with throngs of young peeps. It was like a huge gathering of all local teenagers, with only one aim: to shop. Hoho. I saw Ferro, Xuan and her mum, Huimin and Yunqi and........MY HAWT GUY!
god!! he was clad in a pink polo shirt, and a cap ((: I didnt think he recognised me, perhaps the grey uniform uglifies even the most prominent beauty (jk, jk!). I didnt stalk him, only because Huan and Choi was complaining that he wasnt good-looking. What the?!! He's the best available in NJ....and I guess the lack of eye candy a drought that can never go away. I was thinking, if only Nan, or Chus were with me...because they would happily agree to my crazy antics of oggling, laughing and stalking.
Huan kept saying I was fat, which pissed me off to no end. Even if she was joking, it cut deeply. Girls are uber sensitive to that, so yeah...guys reading this (only Kel and lulu), DONT ever say that forbidden word to girls. Too make matters worse, she was laughing at every piece of clothing while Choi and I shopped. She'd pull a skirt and proudly remark, "Look! The skirt is stretchable! Hehehehehe!" or "So ugly! *giggle, giggle*". It's funny when Choi is oblivious to everything Huan said, and they both'll ALWAYS bicker over inconsequential stuffs.
Oh, and I spent so much, I think my allowance is depleted. :( I wont say what I bought, because it's too shameful to admit what a shopaholic I am.
It's gratifying to know that, when a friendship lasts this long, you can be sure that you'll have such friends for life.
Cheers! To the wonderful companionship that surpasses the measure of time! ((:
Vicks
dysphoria came at 8:56 PM
|
Oh god. Oh god.
Im damn thankful for cruel fate has made me hurtle head-first into the deeper end of the abyss. The end where ultimate misery, poverty, desolation and lonliness dwell. I think I've saw enough today, to make me realise how horribly myopic and self-centred I was.
I was such a bitch wasnt I?
I hate myself so much now. WHY. WHY did I whine non-stop about my results, how much I hated NJ, and about Shaun?? The world does not frickin revolve around me. So what if things dont go smoothly? It's the same for everyone else, so why should I deserve that extra good treatment? I think I have loose morals, at least I aint as upright as everyone else. I think having a sugar daddy is nothing wrong. I think one shouldnt be hanged for murder (wouldnt that create another murder case itself?). If I were to see $$ on the road, I'll be most unwilling to return it to it's owner....just because Im lazy. The search, waiting and anticipating would tire me out. Can you believe it, I'll actually leave it alone!!
You see how bad I am? I dont deserve good.
There are people out there who're living more pathetic lives. They're the ones who deserve sympathy and help. Not me. Im perfectly lucky...and an ungrateful bitch. What the hell was wrong with me...ah, I dont know. I doubt most of the unfortunate living at the "darker abyss" aint complaining about their fate. They accept it, and make the best outta it. Fate is kind to me, and Im calling it horrid names.
Today, was perfect. It was incredibly satisfying, enlightening and happy!! Will blog happier posts, after I've done enough self-reflection.
I really suck.
From now on, I vow to be a better person. Optimism is my motto!
Im damn thankful for cruel fate has made me hurtle head-first into the deeper end of the abyss. The end where ultimate misery, poverty, desolation and lonliness dwell. I think I've saw enough today, to make me realise how horribly myopic and self-centred I was.
I was such a bitch wasnt I?
I hate myself so much now. WHY. WHY did I whine non-stop about my results, how much I hated NJ, and about Shaun?? The world does not frickin revolve around me. So what if things dont go smoothly? It's the same for everyone else, so why should I deserve that extra good treatment? I think I have loose morals, at least I aint as upright as everyone else. I think having a sugar daddy is nothing wrong. I think one shouldnt be hanged for murder (wouldnt that create another murder case itself?). If I were to see $$ on the road, I'll be most unwilling to return it to it's owner....just because Im lazy. The search, waiting and anticipating would tire me out. Can you believe it, I'll actually leave it alone!!
You see how bad I am? I dont deserve good.
There are people out there who're living more pathetic lives. They're the ones who deserve sympathy and help. Not me. Im perfectly lucky...and an ungrateful bitch. What the hell was wrong with me...ah, I dont know. I doubt most of the unfortunate living at the "darker abyss" aint complaining about their fate. They accept it, and make the best outta it. Fate is kind to me, and Im calling it horrid names.
Today, was perfect. It was incredibly satisfying, enlightening and happy!! Will blog happier posts, after I've done enough self-reflection.
I really suck.
From now on, I vow to be a better person. Optimism is my motto!
dysphoria came at 8:45 PM
|
I caught sight of the soccer team training after school.
Eff fate!!!!! :(
I've always kept my head straight when walking past the track, so as to avoid that particular cca that might have been proceeding with their rigourous regimen. I've always steeled my heart when I walked down the grandstand, so I would be prepared, if I do happen to "accidentally" catch them in action.
With all my defenses down after last night's contemplation, that idiotic cca sprung itself upon me. Hoho. And I had to go and remind myself of those days...when I stayed back in school to watch him so valiantly defend our school. Those were the days! Much more cheerful days they were.
I can never ever put this feeling away. Much less to say, the bittersweet memories of him.
Im too tired to be constantly whining. PE almost slaughtered me today with the 3.9km run, plus having Angklung after school drained me completely of my energy.
Nan and I happened to be talking about him during Angklung, and this question popped out, " Can you ever forget him?".
Oh dear, that's a resounding NO.
How can a heart possibly be filled with that much love? How can puppy love last for so long? How can an obsession be this emotionally-wrecking? Is it just me, or is it just good ol' teenage angst?
I never expected for this to last that long. More than anyone else, I WANT THIS TO FRICKIN END. I desire to move on. But how can I??! Heh. This may sound cliched, but is there any cure for my situation? Teach me people.....I dont wanna die young. Youth should be a period of carefree joys, when the world is brimming with happy blooms. Whereas me? Im dwelling in the dark, danky dungeon of eternal despair and lonliness. *sigh* The only pair of hands that has the amazing ability to drag me out, belongs to
Shaun.
Ah. It's kinda weird how saying his name makes it a tad more comfortable. The dull, penetrating ache would subside just a little, because yearning needs its place in my heart too.
Shaun, you're a robber of happiness. Whether unintentional or not, I find you guilty as charged :'(
"i know she can't stop loving him. i know exactly what she's feeling right now. maybe not all of it, but i know that deep in her heart of hearts, no matter how bruised he's made her, she'd still somehow stay and her love for him will never ever flicker. "
Vicks
Eff fate!!!!! :(
I've always kept my head straight when walking past the track, so as to avoid that particular cca that might have been proceeding with their rigourous regimen. I've always steeled my heart when I walked down the grandstand, so I would be prepared, if I do happen to "accidentally" catch them in action.
With all my defenses down after last night's contemplation, that idiotic cca sprung itself upon me. Hoho. And I had to go and remind myself of those days...when I stayed back in school to watch him so valiantly defend our school. Those were the days! Much more cheerful days they were.
I can never ever put this feeling away. Much less to say, the bittersweet memories of him.
Im too tired to be constantly whining. PE almost slaughtered me today with the 3.9km run, plus having Angklung after school drained me completely of my energy.
Nan and I happened to be talking about him during Angklung, and this question popped out, " Can you ever forget him?".
Oh dear, that's a resounding NO.
How can a heart possibly be filled with that much love? How can puppy love last for so long? How can an obsession be this emotionally-wrecking? Is it just me, or is it just good ol' teenage angst?
I never expected for this to last that long. More than anyone else, I WANT THIS TO FRICKIN END. I desire to move on. But how can I??! Heh. This may sound cliched, but is there any cure for my situation? Teach me people.....I dont wanna die young. Youth should be a period of carefree joys, when the world is brimming with happy blooms. Whereas me? Im dwelling in the dark, danky dungeon of eternal despair and lonliness. *sigh* The only pair of hands that has the amazing ability to drag me out, belongs to
Shaun.
Ah. It's kinda weird how saying his name makes it a tad more comfortable. The dull, penetrating ache would subside just a little, because yearning needs its place in my heart too.
Shaun, you're a robber of happiness. Whether unintentional or not, I find you guilty as charged :'(
"i know she can't stop loving him. i know exactly what she's feeling right now. maybe not all of it, but i know that deep in her heart of hearts, no matter how bruised he's made her, she'd still somehow stay and her love for him will never ever flicker. "
Vicks
dysphoria came at 9:58 PM
|
Blogging the last post caused a sudden, violent rush of memories.
The all too familiar ache's back.
Heartache: "Im back baby!"
Vic: "Nooooooo! I dont need you now!"
HA:" But I remind you of 52! You want him dont you?"
Vic: "I need happiness more. "
HA: "Too bad darling. Im here to stay."
*lightning cackles. Vic cowers in immense fear. HA's laughter echoes throughout the empty blog.*
Narrator: "From then on, HA and Vic were so tightly entwined, they became an entity. Never would you see one without the other. But did they live happily ever after? Do stay tuned for 52: A Timeless Obsession II !"
I realise I still love him. Damn.
And I wanna meet him so badly. He's out on Thurs, but how is meeting remotely possible? He DEFINTELY wont be coming back to NJ.
Im feeding on memories of him. When they run out, I think my life'll seep away.
The all too familiar ache's back.
Heartache: "Im back baby!"
Vic: "Nooooooo! I dont need you now!"
HA:" But I remind you of 52! You want him dont you?"
Vic: "I need happiness more. "
HA: "Too bad darling. Im here to stay."
*lightning cackles. Vic cowers in immense fear. HA's laughter echoes throughout the empty blog.*
Narrator: "From then on, HA and Vic were so tightly entwined, they became an entity. Never would you see one without the other. But did they live happily ever after? Do stay tuned for 52: A Timeless Obsession II !"
I realise I still love him. Damn.
And I wanna meet him so badly. He's out on Thurs, but how is meeting remotely possible? He DEFINTELY wont be coming back to NJ.
Im feeding on memories of him. When they run out, I think my life'll seep away.
dysphoria came at 9:49 PM
|
Didnt run into Daffy today. So no staring contest for me.
There's nothing else that happened, so you see...life with school is fatal. It sucks all the fun and social life outta you, that happiness chose to run away with someone else.
Happiness! Oi!! I can find fun, and contentment, and emotional satisfaction. Believe me, I can! Right after A levels that is. Right after I leave Singapore. So please, my dearest Happiness, would you just stay with me for another year, to help me tide thru this increasingly turbulent times? I promise, I'll treat you good when I finally break free of all chains education has imposed.
Stay, Happiness. Because I need you so much more than Love, or 52 for that matter.
Psst. Im SO in love with retro musik now. Lol. Abba! Simon and Garfunkel! The Carpenters! Gosh, I think they can be so incredibly melancholic or upbeat, thus taking listeners on a damn thrilling rollercoaster ride. This is what life supposed to be isnt it? Highs and lows occuring simultaneously. I like!!
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase these shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Psst again! Im a firm believer that history always repeats itself. Time is a cycle that loops around our lives, intertwining them more closely than we choose to believe. During break, I was having one of my loooonng laughing fits when Bermimi staggered past me at the dessert stall. A gp mate and Sum were both beside me, and both asked CONCURRENTLY!!!, "what's so funny?" and "what are you laughing at?" respectively. Hohoho. I could only point, before I doubled up in laughter again. Then, the gp mate hollered, "Bermimi! (he said his real name of course)". In horror, I gasped, shoved his hand in protest and turned my back towards the funnyman. Jo told me when Mimi turned towards us, the gp mate said "good day!".
Hahahaha. Im laughing at how cruel fate is.
Turn the hands of time back to my first three months please. The gp mate would be Mervyn and Mimi would be 52. Merv and I were at the drinks stall instead, chatting about god-knew-what. Those were the happier, but short-lived days Merv had with our class, before everything went downhill. But anyway, 52 ambled past, and I gasped. Following my gaze, dear Merv yelled across the canteen, "Hey Shaun!". My face was flushed red instantly, and I protested VERY violently. First, I shoved Merv's arm. When he continued saying, "come here lah shaun!" and 52 was acting all bashful and reluctant (or so it seemed to everyone who witness that spectacle), I pinched him as hard as I could. Lol. Then, 52 mumbled something I was too flustered to make out...prolly sth like, "Im busy! I have to go xxxx!". He did smile that oh-so-charming smile though. My knees wobbled ever so slightly, and I had to turn away. All my friends were laughing, and I could barely manage a smile. Stupid Merv flashed me his infamous cheeky grin, and asked, "Why you don't want me to call him here? Nevermind mah!".
God. How am I supposed to be happy when school's SOOOOOO filled with memories of him? I'd give anything, anything, to go back to those wonderful days we had with Merv. He was a super sweet and enthusiastic and spontaneous OGL. I wouldnt want anyone else. 52 would still be in school then, and I wouldnt even mind the relentless teasing. Merv, 52, orientation....those will be my bestest memories of NJ.
xxx,
Vicks
There's nothing else that happened, so you see...life with school is fatal. It sucks all the fun and social life outta you, that happiness chose to run away with someone else.
Happiness! Oi!! I can find fun, and contentment, and emotional satisfaction. Believe me, I can! Right after A levels that is. Right after I leave Singapore. So please, my dearest Happiness, would you just stay with me for another year, to help me tide thru this increasingly turbulent times? I promise, I'll treat you good when I finally break free of all chains education has imposed.
Stay, Happiness. Because I need you so much more than Love, or 52 for that matter.
Psst. Im SO in love with retro musik now. Lol. Abba! Simon and Garfunkel! The Carpenters! Gosh, I think they can be so incredibly melancholic or upbeat, thus taking listeners on a damn thrilling rollercoaster ride. This is what life supposed to be isnt it? Highs and lows occuring simultaneously. I like!!
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase these shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Psst again! Im a firm believer that history always repeats itself. Time is a cycle that loops around our lives, intertwining them more closely than we choose to believe. During break, I was having one of my loooonng laughing fits when Bermimi staggered past me at the dessert stall. A gp mate and Sum were both beside me, and both asked CONCURRENTLY!!!, "what's so funny?" and "what are you laughing at?" respectively. Hohoho. I could only point, before I doubled up in laughter again. Then, the gp mate hollered, "Bermimi! (he said his real name of course)". In horror, I gasped, shoved his hand in protest and turned my back towards the funnyman. Jo told me when Mimi turned towards us, the gp mate said "good day!".
Hahahaha. Im laughing at how cruel fate is.
Turn the hands of time back to my first three months please. The gp mate would be Mervyn and Mimi would be 52. Merv and I were at the drinks stall instead, chatting about god-knew-what. Those were the happier, but short-lived days Merv had with our class, before everything went downhill. But anyway, 52 ambled past, and I gasped. Following my gaze, dear Merv yelled across the canteen, "Hey Shaun!". My face was flushed red instantly, and I protested VERY violently. First, I shoved Merv's arm. When he continued saying, "come here lah shaun!" and 52 was acting all bashful and reluctant (or so it seemed to everyone who witness that spectacle), I pinched him as hard as I could. Lol. Then, 52 mumbled something I was too flustered to make out...prolly sth like, "Im busy! I have to go xxxx!". He did smile that oh-so-charming smile though. My knees wobbled ever so slightly, and I had to turn away. All my friends were laughing, and I could barely manage a smile. Stupid Merv flashed me his infamous cheeky grin, and asked, "Why you don't want me to call him here? Nevermind mah!".
God. How am I supposed to be happy when school's SOOOOOO filled with memories of him? I'd give anything, anything, to go back to those wonderful days we had with Merv. He was a super sweet and enthusiastic and spontaneous OGL. I wouldnt want anyone else. 52 would still be in school then, and I wouldnt even mind the relentless teasing. Merv, 52, orientation....those will be my bestest memories of NJ.
xxx,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 8:48 PM
|
On saturday, I went out with dearest seoks and pooi after cca. It was a saccharine sweet day, and deep down, some part of me was moved (: It's an incredibly special feeling to know that, after 9 years of friendship, and meeting up only once in a bluemoon, we're still as tight-knit as before. I enjoy laughing with them (usually, it's at seoks), asking their opinions, and just simply hanging out. We changed little. Perhaps only the environment changed...with everything much more complicated and layered. This makes me miss those innocent, simplistic lifestyle of the yester years.
Ah, anyway, I was a spendthift. Hoho. I bought this really, really gorgeous belt, a prettay purse! and they gave me this amazingly sweet pair of ballet pumps (as belated xmas pressie). The money spent was certainly well worth it (: And you know guys, that was the sole day I looked presentable in the neoprints we took. Im gonna show em off to all my friends..Aye!!
Reminder to self: Visit the Subway at Far East as often as possible!! I love their sexy, albeit a little undistinguishable accents....as well as the incredibly cute boy-boy who served us! Tralala..
Alrighty.
Confession time.
I think Im this invovled in the staring game with Daffy because Im not used to such attention. Look at 52. He doesnt even want to glance at me (yeah, he does occasionally...but NOT everytime I walk past him). It's different with Daffy. I like that kinda intense, smothering gaze. It's as if he could melt everything with those bionic eyes. Heh. That game dont mean nothing tho. Perhaps he finds me extremely intimidating to look at him for long periods of time, and thus hopes that his "intense" look would scare me away. Hahahahaha. Fat chance, Daffy! Im only afraid of perfection, and you're far from that! But....
You're DARN HAWWWTT!
ohk, enough of gushing.
love loads,
vicks
Ah, anyway, I was a spendthift. Hoho. I bought this really, really gorgeous belt, a prettay purse! and they gave me this amazingly sweet pair of ballet pumps (as belated xmas pressie). The money spent was certainly well worth it (: And you know guys, that was the sole day I looked presentable in the neoprints we took. Im gonna show em off to all my friends..Aye!!
Reminder to self: Visit the Subway at Far East as often as possible!! I love their sexy, albeit a little undistinguishable accents....as well as the incredibly cute boy-boy who served us! Tralala..
Alrighty.
Confession time.
I think Im this invovled in the staring game with Daffy because Im not used to such attention. Look at 52. He doesnt even want to glance at me (yeah, he does occasionally...but NOT everytime I walk past him). It's different with Daffy. I like that kinda intense, smothering gaze. It's as if he could melt everything with those bionic eyes. Heh. That game dont mean nothing tho. Perhaps he finds me extremely intimidating to look at him for long periods of time, and thus hopes that his "intense" look would scare me away. Hahahahaha. Fat chance, Daffy! Im only afraid of perfection, and you're far from that! But....
You're DARN HAWWWTT!
ohk, enough of gushing.
love loads,
vicks
dysphoria came at 7:10 PM
|
I know that enlightenment doesnt come easily.
I appreciate that particular moment. That special second when I "attained nirvana".
There is so much more to life other than him. I shouldnt organise my entire life around him, because he doesnt even know. Crushes are merely low-paying jobs that award with little appreciation and recognition. True, one hits pay-dirt once in a while, and maybe even get to live happily ever after ala (insert title of choice fairytale). But honestly, how many of you get THAT lucky? In case you're wondering, no, I've never ever hit pay-dirt once..and perhaps that does explain the skeptisim.
Haha. I didnt see any light at the end of the tunnel. It was just relief, like my heart finally escaped from the chains, and could fly again.
That's THE END.
:)))))
Celebrate with me guys! This extremely convoluted, twisting affair has finally met its end. Hohoho. I still yearn to be Christine, but if my Erik isnt 52, then I'll live with that.
Life goes on. I shall no longer be clingy, whiny, needy and immature.
Love
Vicks
I appreciate that particular moment. That special second when I "attained nirvana".
There is so much more to life other than him. I shouldnt organise my entire life around him, because he doesnt even know. Crushes are merely low-paying jobs that award with little appreciation and recognition. True, one hits pay-dirt once in a while, and maybe even get to live happily ever after ala (insert title of choice fairytale). But honestly, how many of you get THAT lucky? In case you're wondering, no, I've never ever hit pay-dirt once..and perhaps that does explain the skeptisim.
Haha. I didnt see any light at the end of the tunnel. It was just relief, like my heart finally escaped from the chains, and could fly again.
That's THE END.
:)))))
Celebrate with me guys! This extremely convoluted, twisting affair has finally met its end. Hohoho. I still yearn to be Christine, but if my Erik isnt 52, then I'll live with that.
Life goes on. I shall no longer be clingy, whiny, needy and immature.
Love
Vicks
dysphoria came at 1:14 AM
|
Chus has this classmate (lets name him Daffy) whom I've noticed since last year. Lol. Only then, I wasnt really impressed, because well, we all know there's 52.
Heh.
For some weird reason or another, bad boys appeal so greatly to me now. (: He's way hot, and I love how his scowl and frown are permamnent fixtures on his nise fase. Being cool is hot no? I'm so very tempted to smooth those worry lines on his forehead and make him smile. Tralala...Im more determined than ever to forget this eediot 52. And people, you know what?
Unlike with 52, Im actually making direct eye contact with this badboy. Hohoho. I will be braver and more optimistic!
And, I've bought the Phatom of the Opera soundtrack with my popular vouchers!! Like finally, I have found worthy use for it. The music elevates my mood, so much so that I think I never wanna be sad anymore. So, I got happiness from my so called diligence in Sec4(which was why I was awarded the vouchers by stupid Nanhua.). It's kinda a weird link, but well..so long as I get happiness.
Love loads,
Vicks
Heh.
For some weird reason or another, bad boys appeal so greatly to me now. (: He's way hot, and I love how his scowl and frown are permamnent fixtures on his nise fase. Being cool is hot no? I'm so very tempted to smooth those worry lines on his forehead and make him smile. Tralala...Im more determined than ever to forget this eediot 52. And people, you know what?
Unlike with 52, Im actually making direct eye contact with this badboy. Hohoho. I will be braver and more optimistic!
And, I've bought the Phatom of the Opera soundtrack with my popular vouchers!! Like finally, I have found worthy use for it. The music elevates my mood, so much so that I think I never wanna be sad anymore. So, I got happiness from my so called diligence in Sec4(which was why I was awarded the vouchers by stupid Nanhua.). It's kinda a weird link, but well..so long as I get happiness.
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:52 PM
|
You're the incubus of passion, who vowed to leave heartbreak and torrents of tears in your wake.
I feel like you've lacerated my heart thru the shredder.
That explains why I can no longer feel dear. Well, maybe sorrow still refuses to release it's clamp on me, but hey, I think happiness is gone forever. It disippated like the childhood innocence we lost when puberty hits mercilessly. It melted like the snowman I once built and loved during winter..never again will a snowman be that particular one that I loved.
How can a girl who cant feel anymore, live? Can she even survive? How is she to fend for herself in this vast, lonely world without you??
You sustained her thoughts, you kept her hopes up...you make her live.
And she loved you with all corners of her pitiful heart.
Now it's dead. Ripped, torn and trampled upon since the day she met you.
I cried yesterday...
No, I wailed, squealed and screamed like never before. It was so incredibly stressful that I felt there's nothing in this world is worth living for anymore. Once again, I felt that I could never be happy, and Im all alone in this wretchful lonliness. I came home rather late, the latest since school started...and was thoroughly exhausted. I was laughing excessively in school, hence I thought I was happy.
Gosh, even my emotions have a mind of their own. They'd transform themselves into their exact opposite, their nemesis, when they've feeded enough on my heart. I think, I laughed so much because darling Sorrow has gone and disguised itself with Amusement.
Hohoho. Look how intelligent emotions have become? Almost everything possess intelligence these days, it scares me pretty badly.
Mum was asking me what was wrong. In between the hour-long crying session, I tried to come up with infallible excuses. Yes, I can be quick-thinking even when wailing. Ha! Ah yes, part of my stress comes from homework, which was what I told her..but the other stems from lonliness.
Do trust me, when I say that lonliness stresses people out to a far greater extent. It mutes the world around you, however thriving with live it may be. It silences the sounds your hear, distorts the images you see, and harshens the words you speak. It's a constant pressure on your heart, because you lack that one very special thing:
LOVE.
Why. Why didnt the Supreme being above create a smaller Earth? Everyone would be crowded together then, so warmth and love would be able to reach every lonely heart. Now because of this vast, useless space we all share, people fight over it. Great distances transform Love to Ruthlessness and Greed. Misunderstandings and conflicts arise just because people are too far apart mentally, and emotionally to understand each other. Wars ravage our land, bent on destroying our lives forever. Because of this vast, empty space, I cant be closer to 52.
I listen to "Don't Speak", this very melancholic song like it's a cure for my heartache. I frown and scowl in school when Im tired from thinking of you..even boys keep me at bay. My heart cries once for every time that I smile.
I'm sick to the mind, and heart. How? Does this mark my embarkment on the bendy, crumbling route to PSYCHOSIS? Aye, nothing worries me anymore dear.
I dont have a heart, remember?
Love,
Vicks
I feel like you've lacerated my heart thru the shredder.
That explains why I can no longer feel dear. Well, maybe sorrow still refuses to release it's clamp on me, but hey, I think happiness is gone forever. It disippated like the childhood innocence we lost when puberty hits mercilessly. It melted like the snowman I once built and loved during winter..never again will a snowman be that particular one that I loved.
How can a girl who cant feel anymore, live? Can she even survive? How is she to fend for herself in this vast, lonely world without you??
You sustained her thoughts, you kept her hopes up...you make her live.
And she loved you with all corners of her pitiful heart.
Now it's dead. Ripped, torn and trampled upon since the day she met you.
I cried yesterday...
No, I wailed, squealed and screamed like never before. It was so incredibly stressful that I felt there's nothing in this world is worth living for anymore. Once again, I felt that I could never be happy, and Im all alone in this wretchful lonliness. I came home rather late, the latest since school started...and was thoroughly exhausted. I was laughing excessively in school, hence I thought I was happy.
Gosh, even my emotions have a mind of their own. They'd transform themselves into their exact opposite, their nemesis, when they've feeded enough on my heart. I think, I laughed so much because darling Sorrow has gone and disguised itself with Amusement.
Hohoho. Look how intelligent emotions have become? Almost everything possess intelligence these days, it scares me pretty badly.
Mum was asking me what was wrong. In between the hour-long crying session, I tried to come up with infallible excuses. Yes, I can be quick-thinking even when wailing. Ha! Ah yes, part of my stress comes from homework, which was what I told her..but the other stems from lonliness.
Do trust me, when I say that lonliness stresses people out to a far greater extent. It mutes the world around you, however thriving with live it may be. It silences the sounds your hear, distorts the images you see, and harshens the words you speak. It's a constant pressure on your heart, because you lack that one very special thing:
LOVE.
Why. Why didnt the Supreme being above create a smaller Earth? Everyone would be crowded together then, so warmth and love would be able to reach every lonely heart. Now because of this vast, useless space we all share, people fight over it. Great distances transform Love to Ruthlessness and Greed. Misunderstandings and conflicts arise just because people are too far apart mentally, and emotionally to understand each other. Wars ravage our land, bent on destroying our lives forever. Because of this vast, empty space, I cant be closer to 52.
I listen to "Don't Speak", this very melancholic song like it's a cure for my heartache. I frown and scowl in school when Im tired from thinking of you..even boys keep me at bay. My heart cries once for every time that I smile.
I'm sick to the mind, and heart. How? Does this mark my embarkment on the bendy, crumbling route to PSYCHOSIS? Aye, nothing worries me anymore dear.
I dont have a heart, remember?
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:27 PM
|
Dear You,
As I've always expected, you appeared again.
No, no. I know very well that you're somewhere in Tekong now, en route to so-called manhood. I sure hope you're well dear...Ha. You should be. You're darn fit, energetic and passionate in all things related to sports. These are the essentials to survive NS, no?
Well, you appeared in mah mind you see. I was shocked out of my life when the image of your smile flashed before my eyes. It happened when I was on the bus to school this morning. I gulped, sat up straight, and was THIS close to screaming. Thank god I didnt...any NJCian would glady tell you why. Heh. I didnt know, 52, that you could become so life-like even in my imagination.
I closed my eyes. "Be quiet, heart" I muttered to the disobedient organ buried beneath my ribs.
You look DAMN GOOD. I dont know why is that so, because Im always ready to admit you're not especially handsome. But...who can explain love huh? Trophy's GORGEOUS, but he's bland as compared to you. His lacklustre stems from his inability to exude charm and goofiness and friendliness at the same instance. You can! You're special, and you RAWK! (:
This is my third letter for ya, and the most inconsequential one to date. But, it's a satisfactory enough proof of my DUMB and SENSELESS devotion, yeah?
Be good! And there's this girl in NJ always waiting for you.
Love always
Victoria
As I've always expected, you appeared again.
No, no. I know very well that you're somewhere in Tekong now, en route to so-called manhood. I sure hope you're well dear...Ha. You should be. You're darn fit, energetic and passionate in all things related to sports. These are the essentials to survive NS, no?
Well, you appeared in mah mind you see. I was shocked out of my life when the image of your smile flashed before my eyes. It happened when I was on the bus to school this morning. I gulped, sat up straight, and was THIS close to screaming. Thank god I didnt...any NJCian would glady tell you why. Heh. I didnt know, 52, that you could become so life-like even in my imagination.
I closed my eyes. "Be quiet, heart" I muttered to the disobedient organ buried beneath my ribs.
You look DAMN GOOD. I dont know why is that so, because Im always ready to admit you're not especially handsome. But...who can explain love huh? Trophy's GORGEOUS, but he's bland as compared to you. His lacklustre stems from his inability to exude charm and goofiness and friendliness at the same instance. You can! You're special, and you RAWK! (:
This is my third letter for ya, and the most inconsequential one to date. But, it's a satisfactory enough proof of my DUMB and SENSELESS devotion, yeah?
Be good! And there's this girl in NJ always waiting for you.
Love always
Victoria
dysphoria came at 10:04 PM
|
I've been wondering, if I continue to be so adamant over my choice of guys, I'll have to seek comfort in solitude for the rest of my life.
Oh damn. Dont ask me why I have this overwhelming tendency to fall for the "wrong" guys, please. Hell, I dont even know how would one define "wrong". Are they imcompatible with me? Unattainable? It's so painful to get your feelings trashed about in public scruntiny, oh, not to mention giving your heart to that person and having it trampled upon. History has repeated itself so many times, I guess I knew the ending of this story (with 52) the day it began.
If I were to compel myself to accept guys within my reach, would I be happy? I need to feel the pressure of a thumping heart, the excitement of an adrenaline rush, the flush of heat in my face. Only the "wrong" guys wield that magic on me. (:
Bah! Maybe I should just admit I have horrid, irksome taste in guys.
Do I?
At least I love Trophy, undeniably the hottest object of perfection that ever graced Singapore (:
Oh btw, tragic, heartwrenching love ballads RAWK! Im embracing misery as readily as people do with happiness.
Love loads,
Vicks
Oh damn. Dont ask me why I have this overwhelming tendency to fall for the "wrong" guys, please. Hell, I dont even know how would one define "wrong". Are they imcompatible with me? Unattainable? It's so painful to get your feelings trashed about in public scruntiny, oh, not to mention giving your heart to that person and having it trampled upon. History has repeated itself so many times, I guess I knew the ending of this story (with 52) the day it began.
If I were to compel myself to accept guys within my reach, would I be happy? I need to feel the pressure of a thumping heart, the excitement of an adrenaline rush, the flush of heat in my face. Only the "wrong" guys wield that magic on me. (:
Bah! Maybe I should just admit I have horrid, irksome taste in guys.
Do I?
At least I love Trophy, undeniably the hottest object of perfection that ever graced Singapore (:
Oh btw, tragic, heartwrenching love ballads RAWK! Im embracing misery as readily as people do with happiness.
Love loads,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 6:39 PM
|
Trophy's darn hot. Sizzling hot.
God, I want him now now now!
In fact, I doubt I'll settle for anyone less from now on (:
That's the best pic I can get guys, I mean, you gotta understand, I aint in acjc. Oh, Im darn envious of you Lan! I think I need him to get over 52. Hoho. If the hair's already so damn fine, think about the rest of his being (:
God, I want him now now now!
In fact, I doubt I'll settle for anyone less from now on (:
That's the best pic I can get guys, I mean, you gotta understand, I aint in acjc. Oh, Im darn envious of you Lan! I think I need him to get over 52. Hoho. If the hair's already so damn fine, think about the rest of his being (:
dysphoria came at 7:49 PM
|
I just wrote a posty to dear dudu. *giggles nervously* I think I portray a very immature image, even from the short message I wrote. Oh well, I am what I am. Bah!! Even as a J2, I get mistaken as an IP student some times :( Why, people, why? Is it my looks? But Im too tall to be in IP...My behaviour then? But Im told I looks snobby if I dont smile. IP students ARE ALWAYS smiley. So what is it?? Oh god. This irritates me to no end.
I was happy in school today for no apparent reason. I wonder if you guys have the feeling of your heart being so light, it could practically float in joy between your lungs. Lol. For once in many days, I felt confident, like I was finally on par with everyone. I used to be like that you know, before 52 came barging rudely into my peaceful life. Ahh, I havent seen him for quite a period of time. It's part of the cycle. As long as he's away, I'll be good, nice and all.
He's in NS anyway. Yes, it does tears me apart, but it keeps the rest of my shattered being together at the same time. At least I'll be sane and relatively happier while he's gone. (:
May everyday be like today for me, so I can survive the rest of my jc life.
love,
vicks
I was happy in school today for no apparent reason. I wonder if you guys have the feeling of your heart being so light, it could practically float in joy between your lungs. Lol. For once in many days, I felt confident, like I was finally on par with everyone. I used to be like that you know, before 52 came barging rudely into my peaceful life. Ahh, I havent seen him for quite a period of time. It's part of the cycle. As long as he's away, I'll be good, nice and all.
He's in NS anyway. Yes, it does tears me apart, but it keeps the rest of my shattered being together at the same time. At least I'll be sane and relatively happier while he's gone. (:
May everyday be like today for me, so I can survive the rest of my jc life.
love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 7:22 PM
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WOOT!
friendster is SO bloody cool now. It has introduced this "school" search thingy, and god, you dont know how this delights me to no end. In case you're wondering, nope..Im not even bothering to search for my ex-schoolmates. What I did immediately (am still doing) was to type : "ACJC" into the search box.
Hahahaha.
Acjc-ians, are you guys honoured? Notice I used "guys"! Though the term is usually ambidextrous yea?
From this day on, thou shalt restore my active status in friendster..and oh, I MUST upload more flattering pics of myself, and go add those hot dudes as my friends. (please, that was a joke!)
My eyes are about as happy as my heart now. (: heh.
Over the past week, I've watched "Phantom of the Opera" and "Seed of Chucky". God. Dont. Make. Me.Mention. About. The. Latter. What a nightmare!! Im suffering from the after-effects, not because Im afraid, Im terribly sickened by it. From now on, NO MORE B-grade horror flicks.
Im not sure if I wanna review Phantom here, cuz whatever I say would surely do injustice. Im trying to mask my very limited english range here you see. I wish I could use spot-on and impressive terms to describe what beauty I saw, but my ability's limited. I love the way the movie brought me to a vastly different world, where arts and culture thrived. I felt I belong there. The dialogue they communicated in were songs, their expressions were breath-taking, and the poise. The poise! The decor! The clothes! It's been a long time since I cried from watching a movie. And mind you, I only do that when Im deeply moved. Im deeply infatuated with every singly detail of "Phantom" , hoho! Apart from the fact that Raoul is FUGLY, and the story's a tad too superficial.
It'll do my soul (and heart) good if I watch it again. I so dreadfully need to savour it once more...but then, sigh, I do have school you know. NJ does equates to incredible stress and heavy workload, despite the reduction of timetable.
love loads,
vicks
friendster is SO bloody cool now. It has introduced this "school" search thingy, and god, you dont know how this delights me to no end. In case you're wondering, nope..Im not even bothering to search for my ex-schoolmates. What I did immediately (am still doing) was to type : "ACJC" into the search box.
Hahahaha.
Acjc-ians, are you guys honoured? Notice I used "guys"! Though the term is usually ambidextrous yea?
From this day on, thou shalt restore my active status in friendster..and oh, I MUST upload more flattering pics of myself, and go add those hot dudes as my friends. (please, that was a joke!)
My eyes are about as happy as my heart now. (: heh.
Over the past week, I've watched "Phantom of the Opera" and "Seed of Chucky". God. Dont. Make. Me.Mention. About. The. Latter. What a nightmare!! Im suffering from the after-effects, not because Im afraid, Im terribly sickened by it. From now on, NO MORE B-grade horror flicks.
Im not sure if I wanna review Phantom here, cuz whatever I say would surely do injustice. Im trying to mask my very limited english range here you see. I wish I could use spot-on and impressive terms to describe what beauty I saw, but my ability's limited. I love the way the movie brought me to a vastly different world, where arts and culture thrived. I felt I belong there. The dialogue they communicated in were songs, their expressions were breath-taking, and the poise. The poise! The decor! The clothes! It's been a long time since I cried from watching a movie. And mind you, I only do that when Im deeply moved. Im deeply infatuated with every singly detail of "Phantom" , hoho! Apart from the fact that Raoul is FUGLY, and the story's a tad too superficial.
It'll do my soul (and heart) good if I watch it again. I so dreadfully need to savour it once more...but then, sigh, I do have school you know. NJ does equates to incredible stress and heavy workload, despite the reduction of timetable.
love loads,
vicks
dysphoria came at 11:31 PM
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We met our junior class today! And I wore the fugly old Nanhua uniform, after one whole year. In fact, I wouldnt even say the uni's ugly now. I realise I look good in it, it's flattering, at least more so than the lifeless grey eh? I love it. Oh so much more than the RGS one, which I once obsessed with. Full white IS refreshing. I hate Nanhua, but I miss it so, for anywhere is better than NJ.
I was SO eager to talk to Batman's younger bro (who's in the junior class), but when we did, we found out he was painfully shy. Perhaps my enthusiasm scares him. It always does to guys I adore (think 52, and benny). There's only ONE pathetic Nanhuarian, while most are from RV. Bah!!!! I'm still pretty much invovled in the almost century old rivalry I guess. hoho! This Nanhua guy, Kaisheng, was pretty friendly and he reminded me so much of those carefree days. I wasnt a tad turned off when he spoke to me in Chinese, cuz well, how could you hate a junior who seems so nice? He's sissy I admit, but all Nanhuarians are good by nature (: Im gonna love him.
Oh, and here comes the good news!! Batman's bro (lets call him dudu, shall we? *winks*) IS my mortal!! Imagine my reaction when the fact dawned upon me! I could barely contain my surprise, and screamed! Without missing a beat, Kaisheng commented, "Wah! Have your class people studied so much that they've become mad?". You see, he doesnt understand that not everyone in class is like me. And I behave like that all the time, it's not an uncommon phenomenon to my friends. Anyways, I'm happy. So, so happy at my amazing luck! I will treat dudu good (:
You know, if only I had SUCH good luck with 52. But well....sigh!
I waited 5 frickin hours for him! 5 hours! In such a critical year, 5 hours of rotting accounts for a lot eh? Oh! Have I loved him the wrong way? People have waited longer for their loved ones, and they do get appreciated in the end. Im sick of keeping my hopes up and pining for him. It wont come to a good end I know. It's a doomed relationship from the start.
I spent 3 hours doing NOTHING, waiting for the dance party cum bbq to start. When it did, I rushed down, as fast as my legs could carry me, to the parade square. There, a scene so very familiar treated my eyes. A mass of heads were bobbing up and down. It was the mass dance. Summer Nights was playing, and I stood rooted to my spot. Besides 52, music is the only other thing that binds me so closely to its spell. 52 52 52. I craned my neck and searched frantically for him. If he was there, I swear I'd ask him to dance with me. I dont care if Im rejected(my greatest fear, ever), or if I'm born with 2 left feet. I just want to do something both of us can remember by.
Truth was, he wasnt there.
2 more hours dwindled by. Jas, Boon and I went to our junior class. They wont even so much as glance at us, if not for Victor. Oh, thank you so much Vic! Still, only few words were exchange, prolly because there were only 3 seniors there. HA HA HA! 3 outta 24. Now you'd understand how badly my class breaks my heart ya? I think the juniors are shy too...which is cute! (: Time was cruel. It was torturing me with its crawling pace. I saw super charming seniors that used to make my heart race. I saw his very pretty pal. I thought I'd see him too. With rare patience, I waited in silence...there wasnt anything to say to anyone anyway.
Finally, I gave up at 7.30pm. I dont know if giving up then had any significance. I wont seek to explain my actions as a consequence of him anymore. It's VERY exhausting.
Love is love. That's it.
I'm not sure why it cant be plain, simple and blissful for me....and I refuse to believe I loved the wrong way. Is waiting for a guy wrong? I didnt, and couldnt make the first move. It just wasnt in my character, and I wont betray myself for love. It will be more painful than 52 leaving.
As of now, I'd only wish to see him when there's an evident opportunity. I will never go all the way out searching for one again.
People around me are surprised I've loved him for so long. It has been 1 yr and 3 days now. Truth to be told, Im eff-ing surprised too. I know there are some things in life that comes, and never leaves. There are some people that you'll love forever.
He's definitely one of them.
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
Love,
Vicks
I was SO eager to talk to Batman's younger bro (who's in the junior class), but when we did, we found out he was painfully shy. Perhaps my enthusiasm scares him. It always does to guys I adore (think 52, and benny). There's only ONE pathetic Nanhuarian, while most are from RV. Bah!!!! I'm still pretty much invovled in the almost century old rivalry I guess. hoho! This Nanhua guy, Kaisheng, was pretty friendly and he reminded me so much of those carefree days. I wasnt a tad turned off when he spoke to me in Chinese, cuz well, how could you hate a junior who seems so nice? He's sissy I admit, but all Nanhuarians are good by nature (: Im gonna love him.
Oh, and here comes the good news!! Batman's bro (lets call him dudu, shall we? *winks*) IS my mortal!! Imagine my reaction when the fact dawned upon me! I could barely contain my surprise, and screamed! Without missing a beat, Kaisheng commented, "Wah! Have your class people studied so much that they've become mad?". You see, he doesnt understand that not everyone in class is like me. And I behave like that all the time, it's not an uncommon phenomenon to my friends. Anyways, I'm happy. So, so happy at my amazing luck! I will treat dudu good (:
You know, if only I had SUCH good luck with 52. But well....sigh!
I waited 5 frickin hours for him! 5 hours! In such a critical year, 5 hours of rotting accounts for a lot eh? Oh! Have I loved him the wrong way? People have waited longer for their loved ones, and they do get appreciated in the end. Im sick of keeping my hopes up and pining for him. It wont come to a good end I know. It's a doomed relationship from the start.
I spent 3 hours doing NOTHING, waiting for the dance party cum bbq to start. When it did, I rushed down, as fast as my legs could carry me, to the parade square. There, a scene so very familiar treated my eyes. A mass of heads were bobbing up and down. It was the mass dance. Summer Nights was playing, and I stood rooted to my spot. Besides 52, music is the only other thing that binds me so closely to its spell. 52 52 52. I craned my neck and searched frantically for him. If he was there, I swear I'd ask him to dance with me. I dont care if Im rejected(my greatest fear, ever), or if I'm born with 2 left feet. I just want to do something both of us can remember by.
Truth was, he wasnt there.
2 more hours dwindled by. Jas, Boon and I went to our junior class. They wont even so much as glance at us, if not for Victor. Oh, thank you so much Vic! Still, only few words were exchange, prolly because there were only 3 seniors there. HA HA HA! 3 outta 24. Now you'd understand how badly my class breaks my heart ya? I think the juniors are shy too...which is cute! (: Time was cruel. It was torturing me with its crawling pace. I saw super charming seniors that used to make my heart race. I saw his very pretty pal. I thought I'd see him too. With rare patience, I waited in silence...there wasnt anything to say to anyone anyway.
Finally, I gave up at 7.30pm. I dont know if giving up then had any significance. I wont seek to explain my actions as a consequence of him anymore. It's VERY exhausting.
Love is love. That's it.
I'm not sure why it cant be plain, simple and blissful for me....and I refuse to believe I loved the wrong way. Is waiting for a guy wrong? I didnt, and couldnt make the first move. It just wasnt in my character, and I wont betray myself for love. It will be more painful than 52 leaving.
As of now, I'd only wish to see him when there's an evident opportunity. I will never go all the way out searching for one again.
People around me are surprised I've loved him for so long. It has been 1 yr and 3 days now. Truth to be told, Im eff-ing surprised too. I know there are some things in life that comes, and never leaves. There are some people that you'll love forever.
He's definitely one of them.
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 11:37 PM
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52
I've nothing more to say. What can a shattered person, filled with passivity possibly utter?
dysphoria came at 10:05 PM
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It's such an enjoyable day today. I fell in love with a happy day. (but...)
There was so much laughter, the melodious sound kept ringing in my ears. My heart was soft and fluffy, it practically sang with joy. And my lips, yes my lips, were curled into a permanent, blissful smile.
I found SO many new sources of entertainment in the nearly-decaying ruins of Nj.
First, I was introduced to Bermimi. Yes, it's the long-sought after weirdo that salvaged me from the dumps of despondence, and elevated my moods, just by his presence. I couldnt stop laughing when I saw him in the canteen you see, so outta exasperation, Nanthini told her friend to introduce him to me. Oh god, everything happened so suddenly, it was as if time just simply FLASHED by. When I saw him strutting over, I ran for my life.
It was the horror of horrors. I was trembling all over when I made a mad dash for the girls' toilet. I didn't know I could blush over someone I didnt like, but I think I did. When I entered the toilet, heads turned immediately. Bleah. Then when I gathered enough courage to march out, I found Nan and Hanni doubled over with laughter. Nan told me I just made him laugh, and it was the most disgusting laugh she ever saw. Oh god. I missed the laugh of the century, can you believe that??
Oh, I guess it's very flattering that I made the person who makes me laugh, laugh. Hoho! What a complicated relationship we have!
CCA Carnival was boring. I didnt feel invovled, then again, when did I ever feel so in my CCA? It's defintely different from NPCC. God, how dearly I miss those days. I talked to dearest Benny twice, and Louis waved to me! I dunno why Im so easily contented, but happiness is hard to come by these days, thus Im not complaining. These ickle weeny juniors brighten up my day!
(oh god, I've lost my writing mood now. Shall just list out the other things that happened)
There was so much laughter, the melodious sound kept ringing in my ears. My heart was soft and fluffy, it practically sang with joy. And my lips, yes my lips, were curled into a permanent, blissful smile.
I found SO many new sources of entertainment in the nearly-decaying ruins of Nj.
First, I was introduced to Bermimi. Yes, it's the long-sought after weirdo that salvaged me from the dumps of despondence, and elevated my moods, just by his presence. I couldnt stop laughing when I saw him in the canteen you see, so outta exasperation, Nanthini told her friend to introduce him to me. Oh god, everything happened so suddenly, it was as if time just simply FLASHED by. When I saw him strutting over, I ran for my life.
It was the horror of horrors. I was trembling all over when I made a mad dash for the girls' toilet. I didn't know I could blush over someone I didnt like, but I think I did. When I entered the toilet, heads turned immediately. Bleah. Then when I gathered enough courage to march out, I found Nan and Hanni doubled over with laughter. Nan told me I just made him laugh, and it was the most disgusting laugh she ever saw. Oh god. I missed the laugh of the century, can you believe that??
Oh, I guess it's very flattering that I made the person who makes me laugh, laugh. Hoho! What a complicated relationship we have!
CCA Carnival was boring. I didnt feel invovled, then again, when did I ever feel so in my CCA? It's defintely different from NPCC. God, how dearly I miss those days. I talked to dearest Benny twice, and Louis waved to me! I dunno why Im so easily contented, but happiness is hard to come by these days, thus Im not complaining. These ickle weeny juniors brighten up my day!
(oh god, I've lost my writing mood now. Shall just list out the other things that happened)
- Silly Nan announced to everyone that I like Prima Deli (whom I merely regard as an entertainment of course!).
- W, whom I feel extremely awkward around now due to past incidents, heard Nan, and according to her, looked "....".
- But W is attached for Christ's sake!!
- I realised Batman has two very cute brothers in J1. One's in my junior class!! They share his red, luscious lips ; delicious, curly locks ; liquid, orb-like eyes; electrifying, curly lashes ala loreal's "panaromic curves" mascara models.
- T said I was gorgeous. (whether he was blind at that time or not, Im not sure)
- Im gonna have juniors to bully and laugh at from now on! *thunder rolls, cackling laughter ensues*
- Im having the greatest chat with T, and I think I found a soulmate. Finally (:
- I'm crying as I type this, luckily no one knows.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear You,
I saw you today. From the first glance of that tanned physique and unmistakable hair, I stopped dead in my track.
I turned immediately, I swore I heard a crack from my neck. "How is my hair? Do I look okay?", I shot Nanthini. God, I'm usually so darn blur, I cant spot a person even if he's right beside me. With you, it's entirely different. It's almost as if I could feel your presence. A few seconds passed, and Nan still didnt see you! That's because amongst the throng of blurred figures, you stand out like an object of perfection, with fresh, sharp colours.
It's like Aaron Kwok in Para Para Sakura. He saw her only in pink, when the rest of the world is black and white. Only I love you more I think.
You were talking to Miss Tan then. Lucky woman she is! Donned in blue shorts and your Orientation Tee, you were casually dressed, but nevertheless radiant. It's the magic you cast yet again. Damn, you're so so cruel you know that? My heart fluttered, threatening to fly right out of my chest into your palm. It wanted so dreadfully to present itself to you. You could squeeze it to death if you wished, and I wouldnt so much as utter a sound. I wont even blame you.
Then you walked over to me, that dazzling smile still wide across your beautiful face. I tried to open my mouth to utter at least a "Hi". I really tried. My heart was beating so fast, it forced all the blood to my face. I was burning, with invisible flames comparable to Hell's. With all my will-power, I opened my mouth. My best attempt so far. But
Nothing came out. I couldnt even smile. My muscles tensed up so dreadfully, I was this close to convulsions. I think I lost my ability to think then. Blank.
Everything blanked out. I was in a coma, except I had sight. I only had eyes for you.
Just as rudely and devastatingly you interuppted my life, you left it. You walked over to me, and continued on. You walked away. I could only turn my head and watch in gaping awe till you went out of sight.
Such precious seconds that I'll always hold close to my heart.
How I hated my useless muscles, and my limited sight then. I want to look at you forever, and more, you know that? You're an enigma I can never resist. An endless mystery. I think I hated you too. You werent supposed to return. I know they saw you everyday for the past few days, and I've heard so many sightings of you, I've become numb to them. But you're ruthless to appear in front of me you know that??
I saw them dancing Summer Nights today. I was overwelmed by tears. Thank god I have such great control over them now, that they stayed obediently in my eyes. My heart ached so badly, I think that was how a heart attack felt. I could see us again. You were on the platform with your pretty, pretty partner, and I was my mediocre self, stumbling along to the music in close proximity. It's funny, come to think of it. Heaven and earth. Black and white.
Now all I want in the world is to return to those times. I think I would confess to you then, if I knew this would be the ending. I would, I really would, before things got so terribly awkward and humiliating.
That will be the last I saw of you. I will never want to see you again. The pain will increase with each passing opportunity, until I eventually die of a heartbreak. No, I wouldnt want you to be accused of murder. Hence, it's best that we never meet again. I'd save you a lot of embarassment too, wont I? Extremely shameless as I am to mumble such warped, disillusioned nonsense here, I still care about how you feel.
I'll continue to allow this magic to work on me until it fades away one happy day. Im looking forward to it, because I hate to love you. Love shouldnt be so painful and miserable. Im loving the wrong person, and in the wrong way too.
Then again, I really, really, really couldnt help it. Please, dont blame me. I cant bear it if you hate me. I'd rather you didnt know of my existance than hate me. Look, I think I've lost all pride and confidence here. I don't care.
I love you Shaun. There, I've said your name finally. You make me cry like a whooping schizophrenic patient. I dont even care if you read this letter now, because I feel like the world has come crashing down on me.
I've lost faith in everything now.
My greatest mistake in life, is to have laid eyes on you.
Love Always,
Victoria (do you even know my name?)
dysphoria came at 8:03 PM
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Today was relatively more bearable. I was thinking, I could learn to live without him...it's only a lifetime of heartache. I can make do.
But, I realise Yeo's gone too. Hahaha. He isnt exactly gone, but he wont be lecturing us again! I was looking at the maths notes he lectured us on, and I so nearly cried. Don't worry guys, it wasnt because I'm THAT obsessed with him. hoho! Realisation just simply dawned on me that nothing's the same in school anymore. There WILL be less laughter and smiles this year, people will tend to be more insensitive in their race for success, friendships will be put on hold, and last of all, I cant have fun. Nostalgia was smothering and heart-wrenching. I used to think words like "Cherish what you have" are damn corny, but never before have they rang so true!
Oh god, Im missing my J1 times, those moments before promos that is.
Maybe, just maybe, in the years after I'm over and done with this effed-up education system, I'd look back and realise how much I love Njc. Till then, till then.
psst...there's this dark confession that I want to, but dont have the guts to make. It's very embarassing, so...in due time, after I've recovered, I shall do so.
Love,
Vicks
But, I realise Yeo's gone too. Hahaha. He isnt exactly gone, but he wont be lecturing us again! I was looking at the maths notes he lectured us on, and I so nearly cried. Don't worry guys, it wasnt because I'm THAT obsessed with him. hoho! Realisation just simply dawned on me that nothing's the same in school anymore. There WILL be less laughter and smiles this year, people will tend to be more insensitive in their race for success, friendships will be put on hold, and last of all, I cant have fun. Nostalgia was smothering and heart-wrenching. I used to think words like "Cherish what you have" are damn corny, but never before have they rang so true!
Oh god, Im missing my J1 times, those moments before promos that is.
Maybe, just maybe, in the years after I'm over and done with this effed-up education system, I'd look back and realise how much I love Njc. Till then, till then.
psst...there's this dark confession that I want to, but dont have the guts to make. It's very embarassing, so...in due time, after I've recovered, I shall do so.
Love,
Vicks
dysphoria came at 7:20 PM
|
First day wasnt nearly as bad as I expected. At least I did smile, laugh and was happy for minute moments.
The emptiness though, seemed to echo throughout the corridors, the classrooms, the LTs. It's to do with his absence. You know, I cant help but think that whenever my friends see me, they think of him. "Hey, how? you still like him?", "I saw him the other day!", "get over him lah!" bombarded me relentlessly. How can I behave as per normal? He's gone.
Gone.
And I'm the only one in school who misses him this terribly.
The school is a fugly, grey ruin with no joy. There's practically no reason I should profess my loyalty or sense of pride towards it now. I hate you, school.
I have to stop craning my neck, or turning around suddenly, because it would be pointless. Who could I expect to meet man? The spectre of him? My daily habits have to be altered too...because they're all related. My my, maybe I should just pop by Bishan and spill out everything, to spare us all this suffering.
Anyway, I was picked GP rep again. Collective sighs, everyone! I know, I cant believe my amazing luck either. Hoho! I didnt even had such luck with 52. Ah, why is he in every sentence?? Ok, something scary happened.
I just got vaguely aware of his intentions. God, this is awkward, plus embarassing, plus terrifying. In case you're confused, Im referring to another person here, whom I will regard as M. It started pretty long ago, but I was too preoccupied to notice then. Now, it got ever so apparent, because he even mentioned it in his MSN nick!
First day of school, and my life sounds pretty exciting already eh? Well maybe not.
Love,
vicks
The emptiness though, seemed to echo throughout the corridors, the classrooms, the LTs. It's to do with his absence. You know, I cant help but think that whenever my friends see me, they think of him. "Hey, how? you still like him?", "I saw him the other day!", "get over him lah!" bombarded me relentlessly. How can I behave as per normal? He's gone.
Gone.
And I'm the only one in school who misses him this terribly.
The school is a fugly, grey ruin with no joy. There's practically no reason I should profess my loyalty or sense of pride towards it now. I hate you, school.
I have to stop craning my neck, or turning around suddenly, because it would be pointless. Who could I expect to meet man? The spectre of him? My daily habits have to be altered too...because they're all related. My my, maybe I should just pop by Bishan and spill out everything, to spare us all this suffering.
Anyway, I was picked GP rep again. Collective sighs, everyone! I know, I cant believe my amazing luck either. Hoho! I didnt even had such luck with 52. Ah, why is he in every sentence?? Ok, something scary happened.
I just got vaguely aware of his intentions. God, this is awkward, plus embarassing, plus terrifying. In case you're confused, Im referring to another person here, whom I will regard as M. It started pretty long ago, but I was too preoccupied to notice then. Now, it got ever so apparent, because he even mentioned it in his MSN nick!
First day of school, and my life sounds pretty exciting already eh? Well maybe not.
Love,
vicks
dysphoria came at 9:57 PM
|
Dear You,
I was too dependent on you. Or at least, your presence, and thoughts about you. Every motivation that spurred me on, every direction I turned, every movement I made, every contemplation..all revovled around you. My entire being held on to you. I might have said this before, but do let me repeat this again. Never before have I felt so strongly for a person. Who are you?
Who are you?
To cause such pain, such yearning, such wistfulness. Soppy love ballads never sounded the same, tragic love stories rang so true, couples in love touched me so. Oh, I confess to laying victim to your magic. It wasnt your fault that you wielded the wand, casting such a profound spell. Who can be blamed that he was borne with such unwitting charm?
Allow me to quote Gaiman, whom I regard as the true Maestro of relationships :
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darknes, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
That, my dear, explains ever so clearly the magic you wield on me. You'd never imagine how horrifyingly true his every word resounded in my heart.
Orientation, mass dance, the school, summer, beaches...they all bring back memories of you, you know that? Well, of course you don't. It's a wonder how a silly crush blew up to such a notorious affair, that perhaps everyone in school knew. You know too, of course. But not the entirety of my emotions. I was so ashamed, so terrified of rejection. Fortunately (or was it a misfortune?) you showed no signs of loathing. The occasional glances and smiles you cast kept my hopes up. False hopes, may I add.
I was wishing for what, I wasn't too sure myself. A relationship? That would be too far-fetched. Besides, I was petrified of you. Everytime we crossed paths, I'd wish I could run in the other direction as fast a possible. I'd burn with embarassment. You're too perfect. I, on the other hand, am nothing. How about a friendship then? Then again, we had nothing, NOTHING, in common. We're too different. Maybe then, I wished that I could just go on looking at you in the shadows, silently, suffering in my own pain.
HA! How extremely silly of me to think that I could go on watching forever. One year passed ever so quickly. Since the 3rd day of Orientation, the moment I caught sight of your smile, everyday was filled with utmost excitement and anticipation of meeting you. From that day on, I forgot the breathe. Just from that simple move. Well, sincerely, YOU ROCK! heh. Never before was I so image-conscious in school. Never before was I so awkward in front of a guy. It was a special year. Sad yes, but incredibly special.
It has been what, nearly 2 months now. You graduated, and perhaps that's the end of my silent watching. I know I brought all this senseless emotional torture upon myself. Who asked me to fall for you? Who asked me not to keep a tight reign on my emotions? I knew it was so wrong (dreadfully so) from the start, but I couldnt help it. You were that unique. Falling fast and hard took my breath away....but it came with its price too. Too hefty a price, if you ask me.
Ah. I thought you were finally gone when the holidays started. After all, we never could meet again. But, the ghost of you remained. It haunted me relentlessly, as much as I tried to keep the memories back. I wonder how you are now. Partying hard I suppose. Well, I hope you'll be well forever. Everyone's ushering in the new year..and I shall wish you infinite happiness.
These, are the things I wished I could have said to you, but never had the guts to. I care SO much about you, you know that? You mean the world to me too. You determine my mood, my decisions. So, I dont care if you never will chance across this letter, but at least I confessed.
A load's off my heart now...but the heartache, Im very sure, shall remain. Is this your one and only gift to me huh? A lifetime of regret and misery? If that is the case..well,
I shall continue loving you nevertheless. And your smiles. And your beautiful tan and physique. And your unwitting charm I fell prey to a year ago.
Love always,
Victoria
I was too dependent on you. Or at least, your presence, and thoughts about you. Every motivation that spurred me on, every direction I turned, every movement I made, every contemplation..all revovled around you. My entire being held on to you. I might have said this before, but do let me repeat this again. Never before have I felt so strongly for a person. Who are you?
Who are you?
To cause such pain, such yearning, such wistfulness. Soppy love ballads never sounded the same, tragic love stories rang so true, couples in love touched me so. Oh, I confess to laying victim to your magic. It wasnt your fault that you wielded the wand, casting such a profound spell. Who can be blamed that he was borne with such unwitting charm?
Allow me to quote Gaiman, whom I regard as the true Maestro of relationships :
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darknes, so working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
That, my dear, explains ever so clearly the magic you wield on me. You'd never imagine how horrifyingly true his every word resounded in my heart.
Orientation, mass dance, the school, summer, beaches...they all bring back memories of you, you know that? Well, of course you don't. It's a wonder how a silly crush blew up to such a notorious affair, that perhaps everyone in school knew. You know too, of course. But not the entirety of my emotions. I was so ashamed, so terrified of rejection. Fortunately (or was it a misfortune?) you showed no signs of loathing. The occasional glances and smiles you cast kept my hopes up. False hopes, may I add.
I was wishing for what, I wasn't too sure myself. A relationship? That would be too far-fetched. Besides, I was petrified of you. Everytime we crossed paths, I'd wish I could run in the other direction as fast a possible. I'd burn with embarassment. You're too perfect. I, on the other hand, am nothing. How about a friendship then? Then again, we had nothing, NOTHING, in common. We're too different. Maybe then, I wished that I could just go on looking at you in the shadows, silently, suffering in my own pain.
HA! How extremely silly of me to think that I could go on watching forever. One year passed ever so quickly. Since the 3rd day of Orientation, the moment I caught sight of your smile, everyday was filled with utmost excitement and anticipation of meeting you. From that day on, I forgot the breathe. Just from that simple move. Well, sincerely, YOU ROCK! heh. Never before was I so image-conscious in school. Never before was I so awkward in front of a guy. It was a special year. Sad yes, but incredibly special.
It has been what, nearly 2 months now. You graduated, and perhaps that's the end of my silent watching. I know I brought all this senseless emotional torture upon myself. Who asked me to fall for you? Who asked me not to keep a tight reign on my emotions? I knew it was so wrong (dreadfully so) from the start, but I couldnt help it. You were that unique. Falling fast and hard took my breath away....but it came with its price too. Too hefty a price, if you ask me.
Ah. I thought you were finally gone when the holidays started. After all, we never could meet again. But, the ghost of you remained. It haunted me relentlessly, as much as I tried to keep the memories back. I wonder how you are now. Partying hard I suppose. Well, I hope you'll be well forever. Everyone's ushering in the new year..and I shall wish you infinite happiness.
These, are the things I wished I could have said to you, but never had the guts to. I care SO much about you, you know that? You mean the world to me too. You determine my mood, my decisions. So, I dont care if you never will chance across this letter, but at least I confessed.
A load's off my heart now...but the heartache, Im very sure, shall remain. Is this your one and only gift to me huh? A lifetime of regret and misery? If that is the case..well,
I shall continue loving you nevertheless. And your smiles. And your beautiful tan and physique. And your unwitting charm I fell prey to a year ago.
Love always,
Victoria
PS: There, I've attempted to place our almost non-existant relationship in words. The incidences which mean so much to me; the powerful, shattering emotions you evoke..well, they shall remain in my mind, until one day when I choose to forget you. Because I could go on writing forever then.
PPS: Did I mention that I love you? Well, girls are silly and over-sensitive in ways as such.
PPPS: Do forgive me for loving you, and all that awkward moments I caused you.
dysphoria came at 4:53 PM
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