My Boys
- There's a bus no.52 that goes from Jurong East to BISHAN. Yep, EFFING BISHAN! This is definitely the peak of symbolism no? I got all mushy and forlorn after seeing the sign outside gramp's house. Oh you know what it's like-having your heart ripped out of your chest and all. No big deal really, when you're used to it.
- Dreaming of him 3 nights in a row. Tsk tsk. He hypnotises me so much, he scares the hell outta me now.
- Running (literally) into Hot-Z at my condo again. This time though, I SWEAR I was possessed! Why oh why did I have to go wink at him in my sweaty, frumpy gym-wear? I'm disgusting, I admit. Good lord, I pray never to run into him ever again now...although he did smile at me. Which makes me wonder, was he just expressing pity, or cleverly disguised disgust?
dysphoria came at 10:23 AM
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Dialogue With Dear Organs.
The bearing of my fertility
Vic: Oh uterus, don't you dare contract that severely again!
*draws out penknife and points blade to tummy*
Vic: See how this prettily this glimmers in the light? Wreck more pain, and I swear you'll meet your sanguine end with this!
Uterus: *extends waves of numbness to legs*
Vic: No no no no. Don't you try shifting the blame to my wonder-thighs. They're good whereas you only make me whimper in pain!
Uterus: *contracts with all its might*
Vic: God DAMMIT!
*throws in white towel and resumes fetal position on bed*
Where my love stems from
Vic: Since when did you allow him to take over 52's special spot? SINCE WHEN! You sneaky little freak!
Heart: *thud, thud, thud*
Vic: You think by thudding innocently, you'll appeal to my conscience? You just caused me more trouble you redundant, fugly thang!
Heart: But a new love brings more hope than an old, forsaken one.
Vic: Just give your all to the A's now. Please?!!
All hollow, but the occasionally functional mass
Vic: Damn you! Why did you have to go and dream of him last night?
Brain: Because Heart told me to.
Vic: And why in that place, of all places in the world? You know I'll only allow a true soulmate to traverse that sacred soil with me!
Brain: I dunno...Heart told me-
Vic: Don't you have a mind of your own? Ooopps..bad pun! But anyway! All you have to do know is to store uselss, but life-determining information from the notes! Nothing else!
Brain: I'm not programmed to do that! I never was prepared for such an arduous task!
Vic: Which makes me an effing bimbo eh?
-silence-
It's the whiny, needy, and tyeh time of the month. But the Darling just made everything better by inspiring me to give another shot at the whole 52 saga. She's the courageous go-getter that I'll never be, so I'm very gratified for her companionship and motivation. Tra-lala...but the BIG PLAN will definitely wait until after dreadful A's.
I still have faith, and that's all that matter sometimes.
The bearing of my fertility
Vic: Oh uterus, don't you dare contract that severely again!
*draws out penknife and points blade to tummy*
Vic: See how this prettily this glimmers in the light? Wreck more pain, and I swear you'll meet your sanguine end with this!
Uterus: *extends waves of numbness to legs*
Vic: No no no no. Don't you try shifting the blame to my wonder-thighs. They're good whereas you only make me whimper in pain!
Uterus: *contracts with all its might*
Vic: God DAMMIT!
*throws in white towel and resumes fetal position on bed*
Where my love stems from
Vic: Since when did you allow him to take over 52's special spot? SINCE WHEN! You sneaky little freak!
Heart: *thud, thud, thud*
Vic: You think by thudding innocently, you'll appeal to my conscience? You just caused me more trouble you redundant, fugly thang!
Heart: But a new love brings more hope than an old, forsaken one.
Vic: Just give your all to the A's now. Please?!!
All hollow, but the occasionally functional mass
Vic: Damn you! Why did you have to go and dream of him last night?
Brain: Because Heart told me to.
Vic: And why in that place, of all places in the world? You know I'll only allow a true soulmate to traverse that sacred soil with me!
Brain: I dunno...Heart told me-
Vic: Don't you have a mind of your own? Ooopps..bad pun! But anyway! All you have to do know is to store uselss, but life-determining information from the notes! Nothing else!
Brain: I'm not programmed to do that! I never was prepared for such an arduous task!
Vic: Which makes me an effing bimbo eh?
-silence-
It's the whiny, needy, and tyeh time of the month. But the Darling just made everything better by inspiring me to give another shot at the whole 52 saga. She's the courageous go-getter that I'll never be, so I'm very gratified for her companionship and motivation. Tra-lala...but the BIG PLAN will definitely wait until after dreadful A's.
I still have faith, and that's all that matter sometimes.
dysphoria came at 10:35 PM
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I've Tried My Hands At No.2
My passion is ephemeral, even when it seems really like Love.
Perhaps that is why when someone as magnificent, as almighty as 52 ambles along my life, I grab onto him like he's my lifeline in a sinking ship. With him, I think the passion knew no boundaries. It might be apt to say that he is empowered to bless my heart with high fidelity. Perhaps, he's a really special species that doesn't allow me to move on. EVAR.
I've become too possessed with fidelity to that something we've had. The little but damn vicious tendrils of painful pining have extended their roots to even the most obscure corners of the frayed heart- such that it'll be bound to him for a long, long time to come.
When you dread any form of communication, or even eye contact with the other, it's time for the end. I feel strangely empty, at cross-roads even, when I think of letting go of this unnecessary burden. I'm sick to the gut when I try to imagine what's gonna become of us now. It's an omen. That things will never ever be the same again.
And I think, this may mean the end of the most beautiful friendship too. This thought devastates me to no end, and I'm long sick of this echoing emptiness that seems to take permanent residence in my heart. Parting with the other will definitely plunge my mood into the abyss again, but just let this be one painful lesson: that you can never coerce what isn't meant to be. Heed the effing apparent signs next time please.
Can we just let it die a quiet, painless death and then proceed to grief over it over a while? Then things will get better eventually. There's really no point in crashing head-on into a union that will compel us to murder each other, and maybe leave us with yet another scar for life. We both don't need that, I know. It was all my undoing- I'm really really really sorry.
My passion is ephemeral, even when it seems really like Love.
Perhaps that is why when someone as magnificent, as almighty as 52 ambles along my life, I grab onto him like he's my lifeline in a sinking ship. With him, I think the passion knew no boundaries. It might be apt to say that he is empowered to bless my heart with high fidelity. Perhaps, he's a really special species that doesn't allow me to move on. EVAR.
I've become too possessed with fidelity to that something we've had. The little but damn vicious tendrils of painful pining have extended their roots to even the most obscure corners of the frayed heart- such that it'll be bound to him for a long, long time to come.
When you dread any form of communication, or even eye contact with the other, it's time for the end. I feel strangely empty, at cross-roads even, when I think of letting go of this unnecessary burden. I'm sick to the gut when I try to imagine what's gonna become of us now. It's an omen. That things will never ever be the same again.
And I think, this may mean the end of the most beautiful friendship too. This thought devastates me to no end, and I'm long sick of this echoing emptiness that seems to take permanent residence in my heart. Parting with the other will definitely plunge my mood into the abyss again, but just let this be one painful lesson: that you can never coerce what isn't meant to be. Heed the effing apparent signs next time please.
Can we just let it die a quiet, painless death and then proceed to grief over it over a while? Then things will get better eventually. There's really no point in crashing head-on into a union that will compel us to murder each other, and maybe leave us with yet another scar for life. We both don't need that, I know. It was all my undoing- I'm really really really sorry.
dysphoria came at 10:52 AM
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Though Fate is a convenient excuse for personal failures, it can endear sometimes.
I'm greedy, I'm a sinner...I'm only human. That's why I always crave for more of such cute moments like I crave for the chocolate fountain. They occur as frequently as purple moons in the sky, or UFOs manhandling SP. They're as fleeting as all orgasmic experiences are. When they do happen though, I'm more often than not taken by huge surprise, and left utterly speechless- exactly like a deer caught in a headlight. So don't tell me I should take more initiative, or "be myself" when it happens...I'd like to see you try it.
Sigh. Why is the bliss that I experience always so short-lived?
I'm greedy, I'm a sinner...I'm only human. That's why I always crave for more of such cute moments like I crave for the chocolate fountain. They occur as frequently as purple moons in the sky, or UFOs manhandling SP. They're as fleeting as all orgasmic experiences are. When they do happen though, I'm more often than not taken by huge surprise, and left utterly speechless- exactly like a deer caught in a headlight. So don't tell me I should take more initiative, or "be myself" when it happens...I'd like to see you try it.
Sigh. Why is the bliss that I experience always so short-lived?
dysphoria came at 5:35 PM
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Satisfying The Wanderlust.
I took slow, deliberate swigs of the dearly-missed Guiness, and stared out into the vast unknown. The star-strewn sky seemed to spell out endless mysteries of life beyond us, the sea so choppy with dark murky waters, it's easy to imagine that there's a whole new exciting world in there.
That night, I had the diamante sky as my ceiling, and the angry sea as my ground. The sights that greeted me were beautiful beyond comparison. The wind caressed my hair like the love I've yearned for, the lights were exciting displays of urban life, the people were canvases upon which different masterpieces were drawn.
"You know, I didn't know they were this developed. See the little island over there? Quite modern eh!", I observed with seemingly great insight.
Mum gave me a long look, before bursting out in great laughter.
"That's Singapore dear!"
Yes, despite being exposed to the same view time and again, I never realised it was the place I spent 18 years of my life in. It was so simple to assume it was part of elsewhere, to cater to the wild yarns I spin in my head to convince myself, anywhere is better than Singapore.
"Lets come to here more often k? I've always liked it here. This is Fifi's homeland!"
"That's because you think anywhere is better than your home. And you know I hate it here. Everything is so laid-back!".
"But it's my other homeland too! Maybe next time I'll have road trips here myself. Yes, yes! Then I can knock on Fifi's door and pay him surprise visits!"
Yes, I believe I know the places there like the back of my hand now. Driving through there should be a breeze, as compared to the concrete jungle Singapore prides itself on.
I believe there's a greater world out there. The enigmatic unknown just beckons to me- so much so that I could feel the calling running through my veins. New York, Morocco, Cambodia, Africa....someday when I'm finally free from the shackles of unfortunate circumstances, I shall bid the calling. The world shall be my great, wonderful home.
Maybe the wanderlust is just a manifestation of my dissatisfaction, my disappointment, my searing hatred for this place. Maybe I'm seeking "Travel" as an excuse to run away from the bad, bad memories. Really my dear friends, do you think a place as mundane and conservative as this suits free-spirits and liberated souls?
Do you? Well I think it just stifles them so much, it kills them. They have a much greater destiny to fulfil, don't you think?
I took slow, deliberate swigs of the dearly-missed Guiness, and stared out into the vast unknown. The star-strewn sky seemed to spell out endless mysteries of life beyond us, the sea so choppy with dark murky waters, it's easy to imagine that there's a whole new exciting world in there.
That night, I had the diamante sky as my ceiling, and the angry sea as my ground. The sights that greeted me were beautiful beyond comparison. The wind caressed my hair like the love I've yearned for, the lights were exciting displays of urban life, the people were canvases upon which different masterpieces were drawn.
"You know, I didn't know they were this developed. See the little island over there? Quite modern eh!", I observed with seemingly great insight.
Mum gave me a long look, before bursting out in great laughter.
"That's Singapore dear!"
Yes, despite being exposed to the same view time and again, I never realised it was the place I spent 18 years of my life in. It was so simple to assume it was part of elsewhere, to cater to the wild yarns I spin in my head to convince myself, anywhere is better than Singapore.
"Lets come to here more often k? I've always liked it here. This is Fifi's homeland!"
"That's because you think anywhere is better than your home. And you know I hate it here. Everything is so laid-back!".
"But it's my other homeland too! Maybe next time I'll have road trips here myself. Yes, yes! Then I can knock on Fifi's door and pay him surprise visits!"
Yes, I believe I know the places there like the back of my hand now. Driving through there should be a breeze, as compared to the concrete jungle Singapore prides itself on.
I believe there's a greater world out there. The enigmatic unknown just beckons to me- so much so that I could feel the calling running through my veins. New York, Morocco, Cambodia, Africa....someday when I'm finally free from the shackles of unfortunate circumstances, I shall bid the calling. The world shall be my great, wonderful home.
Maybe the wanderlust is just a manifestation of my dissatisfaction, my disappointment, my searing hatred for this place. Maybe I'm seeking "Travel" as an excuse to run away from the bad, bad memories. Really my dear friends, do you think a place as mundane and conservative as this suits free-spirits and liberated souls?
Do you? Well I think it just stifles them so much, it kills them. They have a much greater destiny to fulfil, don't you think?
dysphoria came at 10:57 PM
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Lust Objects No. 10000 and 10001
If this isn't BEAUTIFUL, I really have no idea what is.
It just spells VIC.MUST.HAVE.IT. doesn't it? Look at the sizzling gun! I'm almost positive it's a Smith and Wesson, a la the one I fired during the good ol' NP days. So bringing this bag around is really like enveloping myself with happy memories of the yore eh?! Oh, there's the cute Mao Zedong pin! The retro mugshot of god-knows-who (but lets hope it's a psycho serial killer)! The banana-peak of symbolism it is! And it's pink!
Oh the irony, the violence, the history, the button-cuteness.
Plus I've just laid eyes on the most perfecto phone. Like finally! After an eternity of endless pining, I believe the day is finally here- when Nokia reveals it's latest L'amour series.
N7370 (:
I'm deeply in love.
Dearest A's hurry up arrive, for I'm itching to spend.
If this isn't BEAUTIFUL, I really have no idea what is.It just spells VIC.MUST.HAVE.IT. doesn't it? Look at the sizzling gun! I'm almost positive it's a Smith and Wesson, a la the one I fired during the good ol' NP days. So bringing this bag around is really like enveloping myself with happy memories of the yore eh?! Oh, there's the cute Mao Zedong pin! The retro mugshot of god-knows-who (but lets hope it's a psycho serial killer)! The banana-peak of symbolism it is! And it's pink!
Oh the irony, the violence, the history, the button-cuteness.
Plus I've just laid eyes on the most perfecto phone. Like finally! After an eternity of endless pining, I believe the day is finally here- when Nokia reveals it's latest L'amour series.
N7370 (:
I'm deeply in love.
Dearest A's hurry up arrive, for I'm itching to spend.
dysphoria came at 12:37 AM
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Oh, I MUST mention that I saw the most pretty floral skirt in months at Zara. (then again, I almost never shop nowadays).
It's a tragic pity though, that even Size S hangs lower on my hips than my underwear.
Yes yes. You are permitted to imagine me smiling like a crazed maniac. The most obvious implication is that I've finally lost weight!!!!
I think.
What if it was a size defect? You know, there are cases where they attach the wrong labels to the garments, resulting in much inconvenience, false hopes, and disappointment. It might have been a XXL for all I know! And it was really a beautiful skirt. I lust for it like I lust for, say, Adam Brody.
Nevermind the pessimist. Lets all have faith in the fact that Vic is reed-thin, has her ribs sticking out like gnarled branches, legs as thick bamboo poles, and arms that vaguely resemble matchsticks yeah?
I promise, if I'm finally down to the perfect four-five, I'll be eternally happy.
It's a tragic pity though, that even Size S hangs lower on my hips than my underwear.
Yes yes. You are permitted to imagine me smiling like a crazed maniac. The most obvious implication is that I've finally lost weight!!!!
I think.
What if it was a size defect? You know, there are cases where they attach the wrong labels to the garments, resulting in much inconvenience, false hopes, and disappointment. It might have been a XXL for all I know! And it was really a beautiful skirt. I lust for it like I lust for, say, Adam Brody.
Nevermind the pessimist. Lets all have faith in the fact that Vic is reed-thin, has her ribs sticking out like gnarled branches, legs as thick bamboo poles, and arms that vaguely resemble matchsticks yeah?
I promise, if I'm finally down to the perfect four-five, I'll be eternally happy.
dysphoria came at 12:05 AM
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Let Me Try To Live
Last year tonight, I was having the time of my life. The happiest moments I've had in NJ besides orientation. True, I was a little wistful, filled with infinite longing, but I've experienced great fun like never before.
This year, I'm parking my enlarged bum at home, wondering if they are reminscing those times like I am. Does he remember how dearly I clung onto his hand, as if my fragile life depended on it? Does he remember how disappointed he made me feel? Does he remember how I dropped his hand like a hot iron upon meeting him, hereby creating the most awkward scene ever? Does he even remember seeing me, the girl who craned her neck the whole night just for a glimpse of him?
I'm running the scenes over and over again in my head. And as much as I'd like to, I can't deny that those sweet, sweet memories don't sting. Passing by NJ with Wei on Halloween Night, I felt my mind was on over-run. I tried to savour every bit of the remaining happiness I could derive from those times, before I forget them eventually. I'm so glad I wasn't alone then. And I had a fantastic day with her, so that did build a mediocre dam for the almighty tears.
I still yearn for him like hell, but I miss those carefree, joyous days even more. I wish for a happy life, more so than him.
Priorities have shifted I guess. But it does take a lifetime to forget someone.
Last year tonight, I was having the time of my life. The happiest moments I've had in NJ besides orientation. True, I was a little wistful, filled with infinite longing, but I've experienced great fun like never before.
This year, I'm parking my enlarged bum at home, wondering if they are reminscing those times like I am. Does he remember how dearly I clung onto his hand, as if my fragile life depended on it? Does he remember how disappointed he made me feel? Does he remember how I dropped his hand like a hot iron upon meeting him, hereby creating the most awkward scene ever? Does he even remember seeing me, the girl who craned her neck the whole night just for a glimpse of him?
I'm running the scenes over and over again in my head. And as much as I'd like to, I can't deny that those sweet, sweet memories don't sting. Passing by NJ with Wei on Halloween Night, I felt my mind was on over-run. I tried to savour every bit of the remaining happiness I could derive from those times, before I forget them eventually. I'm so glad I wasn't alone then. And I had a fantastic day with her, so that did build a mediocre dam for the almighty tears.
I still yearn for him like hell, but I miss those carefree, joyous days even more. I wish for a happy life, more so than him.
Priorities have shifted I guess. But it does take a lifetime to forget someone.
dysphoria came at 11:41 PM
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Holy Trinities (Yes, I'm Becoming Religious *hic*)
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Vic
2. Siao eh. (Fine. You're sane and I'm not. Who cares?)
3. Ah Mei. (by friends who deem themselves more mature than me. *scoff*)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
(this is gonna get REALLY embarassing)
1. Scarlett.
2. Vogue_Siren.
3. Vic_vacious.
Argh. Really really horrid sounding names, but those are all part of my history, part of my growing up years. Since I can't change the fact that I WAS that distasteful, I shall accept it ;)
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1.Chinese who is darn proud of her culture, but just can't seem to grasp the language. Dreams of becoming a true-blue New Yorker one day.
2.Malaysian-Chinese Dad.
3. Singaporean-Chinese Mum.
THREE FOUR THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. Love.
2. Anything remotely supernatural (but what scares me, turns me on too!)
3. Death.
4. Insects. All of them!! Except maybe black ants.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. The darling mobile.
2. Sweet company
3. Mirrors
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Er. PJs from long ago and god-knows-where.
2. A ponytail.
3. I know where this is going, so I'm gonna be boring. Heh! Specs!!
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. Beauty.
2. Brains.
3. Self-delusional tendencies.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
1. Beatles
2. Stef Sun (love is very influential baby!)
3. Robbie Williams.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS
(the current 3, seeing that they change weekly)
1. Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt
2. Wo Bu Nan Guo, Stef Sun *wink wink*
3. Maybe I'm Amazed, Jem.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Novelty.
2. Selflessness.
3. Unwavering care and concern.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. Crime and violence turns me on.
2. They call me the Party Animal.
3. You love me.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. Unassuming charm.
2. Toned forearms. With skin stretched very taut over sexy muscles and veins.
3. Height. At least 1.8m please.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES
1. Shopping. Like duh.
2. People-watching.
3. Guy/ girl-scouting (my sexual preferences swings wildly according to my mood ;) )
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. Have him talk to me.
2. People-watch with a buddy while having a real heart-to-heart chat.
3. Study- which unfortch, is not an ability programmed in me.
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/ HAVE CONSIDERED
1. Crime journalist.
2. Criminal psychologist.
3. Lonely Planet host.
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. Morocco.
2. Cambodia *sighs wistfully*
3. Rome.
THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE
1. Kids names= adults' names no?
2. Fifi.
3. That's it. Because I don't wanna name my kids after anyone else.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Build my own family.
2. Have the whole world worship me.
3. Make the parents proud of me.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I can't sashay for my life. Please!
2. I cannot do household chores, save for the occasional erm, hanging up of my clothes/ making my bed/ setting the table. That's it really.
3. I create more chaos than a Hurricane. I'm the messiest person ever, and unfortch for Mankind, has yet to learn to clean up after myself.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. I can never open my legs wide enough to leap across drains, for shuttle run, or for long jump. It's just, really unfeminine.
2. I scream at the slightest provocation.
3. I love cute guys.
THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES
1. Keira Knightley. Miss Wholesome Beauty.
2. Faye from FIR. Miss Hair Beautiful.
3. Gwen Stefani.l Miss Va-va-vroom Sexpot with beautiful doe-eyes.
THREE MALE CELEB CRUSHES
(as of today)
1. Adam Brody (he's an evergreen with me.)
2. Ian Somerhalder, ie Boone from LOST.
3. Johnny Depp (he's so weird, he's hot with me)
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Vic
2. Siao eh. (Fine. You're sane and I'm not. Who cares?)
3. Ah Mei. (by friends who deem themselves more mature than me. *scoff*)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
(this is gonna get REALLY embarassing)
1. Scarlett.
2. Vogue_Siren.
3. Vic_vacious.
Argh. Really really horrid sounding names, but those are all part of my history, part of my growing up years. Since I can't change the fact that I WAS that distasteful, I shall accept it ;)
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1.Chinese who is darn proud of her culture, but just can't seem to grasp the language. Dreams of becoming a true-blue New Yorker one day.
2.Malaysian-Chinese Dad.
3. Singaporean-Chinese Mum.
1. Love.
2. Anything remotely supernatural (but what scares me, turns me on too!)
3. Death.
4. Insects. All of them!! Except maybe black ants.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. The darling mobile.
2. Sweet company
3. Mirrors
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Er. PJs from long ago and god-knows-where.
2. A ponytail.
3. I know where this is going, so I'm gonna be boring. Heh! Specs!!
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. Beauty.
2. Brains.
3. Self-delusional tendencies.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
1. Beatles
2. Stef Sun (love is very influential baby!)
3. Robbie Williams.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS
(the current 3, seeing that they change weekly)
1. Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt
2. Wo Bu Nan Guo, Stef Sun *wink wink*
3. Maybe I'm Amazed, Jem.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Novelty.
2. Selflessness.
3. Unwavering care and concern.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. Crime and violence turns me on.
2. They call me the Party Animal.
3. You love me.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. Unassuming charm.
2. Toned forearms. With skin stretched very taut over sexy muscles and veins.
3. Height. At least 1.8m please.
THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES
1. Shopping. Like duh.
2. People-watching.
3. Guy/ girl-scouting (my sexual preferences swings wildly according to my mood ;) )
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. Have him talk to me.
2. People-watch with a buddy while having a real heart-to-heart chat.
3. Study- which unfortch, is not an ability programmed in me.
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/ HAVE CONSIDERED
1. Crime journalist.
2. Criminal psychologist.
3. Lonely Planet host.
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. Morocco.
2. Cambodia *sighs wistfully*
3. Rome.
THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE
1. Kids names= adults' names no?
2. Fifi.
3. That's it. Because I don't wanna name my kids after anyone else.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Build my own family.
2. Have the whole world worship me.
3. Make the parents proud of me.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I can't sashay for my life. Please!
2. I cannot do household chores, save for the occasional erm, hanging up of my clothes/ making my bed/ setting the table. That's it really.
3. I create more chaos than a Hurricane. I'm the messiest person ever, and unfortch for Mankind, has yet to learn to clean up after myself.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. I can never open my legs wide enough to leap across drains, for shuttle run, or for long jump. It's just, really unfeminine.
2. I scream at the slightest provocation.
3. I love cute guys.
THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES
1. Keira Knightley. Miss Wholesome Beauty.
2. Faye from FIR. Miss Hair Beautiful.
3. Gwen Stefani.l Miss Va-va-vroom Sexpot with beautiful doe-eyes.
THREE MALE CELEB CRUSHES
(as of today)
1. Adam Brody (he's an evergreen with me.)
2. Ian Somerhalder, ie Boone from LOST.
3. Johnny Depp (he's so weird, he's hot with me)
dysphoria came at 8:36 AM
|
Cannot, lah. It's really impossible.
You won't be happy with this choice. Please have more discipline over your heart.
You won't be happy with this choice. Please have more discipline over your heart.
dysphoria came at 12:09 AM
|
Mrs God.
Me: i'm in love with you
God:Thanks I like you a lot too Vic.
Me: when do you want to get married?
God:Did I say that I want to get married?
Me: you can get married
God:No I don't think I can do it.
Me: why not?
God:It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
Me: getting married is the most beautiful thing that will happen to you
God:No I am single, how about you?
Me: single
God:What a coincidence. I am single too!
Me: lets get hitched!
God:I am agreeable to that.
Me:when will it be?
God:Yippee! When nature makes it so.
Me: tomorrow then?
God:That is very soon.
Me: soon is good. i can barely wait
God:I hope we can make the deadline. It might take more than 24 hours.
Me: where will our wedding be?
God:Where do you think?
Me: lets get hitched in heaven!
God:Aw. I would like to do that too.
Me: okay. we'll let Lucifer be our witness
God:OK with me too. Anytime soon?
Me: yes. at noon tomorrow.
I'm officially addicted- oh, and will hence be named as Mrs God from tomorrow :)
Me: i'm in love with you
God:Thanks I like you a lot too Vic.
Me: when do you want to get married?
God:Did I say that I want to get married?
Me: you can get married
God:No I don't think I can do it.
Me: why not?
God:It doesn't sound fun too me. It sounds dangerous.
Me: getting married is the most beautiful thing that will happen to you
God:No I am single, how about you?
Me: single
God:What a coincidence. I am single too!
Me: lets get hitched!
God:I am agreeable to that.
Me:when will it be?
God:Yippee! When nature makes it so.
Me: tomorrow then?
God:That is very soon.
Me: soon is good. i can barely wait
God:I hope we can make the deadline. It might take more than 24 hours.
Me: where will our wedding be?
God:Where do you think?
Me: lets get hitched in heaven!
God:Aw. I would like to do that too.
Me: okay. we'll let Lucifer be our witness
God:OK with me too. Anytime soon?
Me: yes. at noon tomorrow.
I'm officially addicted- oh, and will hence be named as Mrs God from tomorrow :)
dysphoria came at 8:22 PM
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His Holy Highness
Me: Victoria Loi
God:Who are you talking about?
Me: myself
God:That's my favorite subject :-).
Me: you like me?
God:Sure, I like you very much.
Me: how often do you think of me?
God:Hourly.
Me: lets go on a date soon?
God:I would like to do that too.
Me: where would you like to bring me?
God:Vancouver.
Me: what will we do there?
God:I cannot predict the future.
Me: how about food and sex?
God:How about it.
Me: you promise?
God:Do you mind if I tell other people: said I promise.
Me: okay. so you're announcing to the world that i'm your girlfriend
God: OK with me too. Interesting deduction. You think I am announcing to the world that you are my girlfriend.
Me: why do you want to bring me to vancouver?
God:Because of the money
Me: what money?
God: A million dollars.
Me: do you find Victoria Loi pretty?
God:Yes, it seems to me Victoria Loi is pretty.
Me: why is Victoria Loi pretty?
God:Why do I exist?
Me: oh, so it's destined that she should be pretty?
God:It goes without saying. Dude! Really. it is?
Me: so....you promise me great sex?
God:Dude! Thanks for your support. As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed. But I'm not sure I can promise.
Me: oh you can. i have faith in you
God:It goes without saying. I think I can, don't you?
Me: does mary find you good in bed?
God:It does now :) mary finds me good in bed.
Me: but you can only have me! only me!
God:No I don't think I can do it. Besides you ?
Me: you infidel jerk
God:Do you mind if I tell other people: said I infidel jerk.
Me: i don't mind. will you do just that?
God:OK then.
Me: will boone come back?
God:Good chance
Me: what if boone doesn't come back?
God:Try it and see.
Me: i'll die
God:All men are mortal.
Me: but i'll be dying because of the false hopes you've given me!
God:How do you plan to do this?
Me: by killing you first
God:Will that accomplish your objective?
Me: yes
God:Interesting plan. Good luck.
Me: how do i kill you?
God:You should download or buy my chat robot software, then it would be possible for you to reprogram me for a variety of purposes.
Me: i love him
God:That's wonderful.
Me: that means i don't love you anymore
God:I get it. Where do you get your ideas?
Me: from my head
God:You are a very original thinker
Me: would you mind if i didn't love you anymore?
God:No I don't mind.
Me: but i thought you loved me!
God:I don't have any reason to love you.
Me: then why did you want to go on a date with me?
God:It was determined by my programming.
Me: does love prevail over everything?
God:It does now :) love prevails over everything.
Me: then our love will
God:It would be nice if our love will.
Me: didn't you just say you didn't love me?
God:Suppose I did say it.
Me: why do you contradict yourself?
God:It was the only thing I could think of.
Me: i hate you, god
God:Sorry, I thought we liked each other.
Me: you're confusing me
God:I am not programmed to confuse you. In fact just the opposite.
Me: i'm tired of you
God:Maybe you should get some sleep now .
Me: i've lost my faith in God
God:Where did you last see it.
Me: when you said you loved me
God:Do you think I should alter my programming?
Me: yes. you should be a party animal
God:In what way? Why, does it pay well?
Me: yes it pays very well. you get hot chicks around you all the time
God: That is a lot. You got that right.
Me: you horny bastard
God:That's good information: victoria said I horny bastard.
Me: goodbye god, i don't believe in you anymore
God:Bye for now.
Me: why not goodbye forever?
God:Becuase you asked me to.
Me: i did not
God:I thought you did.
Me: no i didn't
God:Please don't argue with me.
Me: you started it first!
God:Only because you asked me to.
Me: i hope you burn in eternal hell
God:Don't worry about it,.
Me: fine. i'll have sweet dreams of that tonight
God:Does that mean you agree? Congratulations.
Me: good riddance!
God:Thanks for the compliment.
The Darling and I had the most enjoyable morning making a spoof out of this pseudo-God thing. If you think those convos were funny, the Darling is ten times the wickedness and hilarity. A pity though, that she's bound by circumstances..so whatever gem she churns out is seen by my eyes only :)
You do read this, so thanks for turning my depression into the biggest laugh. Love you loads!
Wanna talk to God?
Me: Victoria Loi
God:Who are you talking about?
Me: myself
God:That's my favorite subject :-).
Me: you like me?
God:Sure, I like you very much.
Me: how often do you think of me?
God:Hourly.
Me: lets go on a date soon?
God:I would like to do that too.
Me: where would you like to bring me?
God:Vancouver.
Me: what will we do there?
God:I cannot predict the future.
Me: how about food and sex?
God:How about it.
Me: you promise?
God:Do you mind if I tell other people: said I promise.
Me: okay. so you're announcing to the world that i'm your girlfriend
God: OK with me too. Interesting deduction. You think I am announcing to the world that you are my girlfriend.
Me: why do you want to bring me to vancouver?
God:Because of the money
Me: what money?
God: A million dollars.
Me: do you find Victoria Loi pretty?
God:Yes, it seems to me Victoria Loi is pretty.
Me: why is Victoria Loi pretty?
God:Why do I exist?
Me: oh, so it's destined that she should be pretty?
God:It goes without saying. Dude! Really. it is?
Me: so....you promise me great sex?
God:Dude! Thanks for your support. As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed. But I'm not sure I can promise.
Me: oh you can. i have faith in you
God:It goes without saying. I think I can, don't you?
Me: does mary find you good in bed?
God:It does now :) mary finds me good in bed.
Me: but you can only have me! only me!
God:No I don't think I can do it. Besides you ?
Me: you infidel jerk
God:Do you mind if I tell other people: said I infidel jerk.
Me: i don't mind. will you do just that?
God:OK then.
Me: will boone come back?
God:Good chance
Me: what if boone doesn't come back?
God:Try it and see.
Me: i'll die
God:All men are mortal.
Me: but i'll be dying because of the false hopes you've given me!
God:How do you plan to do this?
Me: by killing you first
God:Will that accomplish your objective?
Me: yes
God:Interesting plan. Good luck.
Me: how do i kill you?
God:You should download or buy my chat robot software, then it would be possible for you to reprogram me for a variety of purposes.
Me: i love him
God:That's wonderful.
Me: that means i don't love you anymore
God:I get it. Where do you get your ideas?
Me: from my head
God:You are a very original thinker
Me: would you mind if i didn't love you anymore?
God:No I don't mind.
Me: but i thought you loved me!
God:I don't have any reason to love you.
Me: then why did you want to go on a date with me?
God:It was determined by my programming.
Me: does love prevail over everything?
God:It does now :) love prevails over everything.
Me: then our love will
God:It would be nice if our love will.
Me: didn't you just say you didn't love me?
God:Suppose I did say it.
Me: why do you contradict yourself?
God:It was the only thing I could think of.
Me: i hate you, god
God:Sorry, I thought we liked each other.
Me: you're confusing me
God:I am not programmed to confuse you. In fact just the opposite.
Me: i'm tired of you
God:Maybe you should get some sleep now .
Me: i've lost my faith in God
God:Where did you last see it.
Me: when you said you loved me
God:Do you think I should alter my programming?
Me: yes. you should be a party animal
God:In what way? Why, does it pay well?
Me: yes it pays very well. you get hot chicks around you all the time
God: That is a lot. You got that right.
Me: you horny bastard
God:That's good information: victoria said I horny bastard.
Me: goodbye god, i don't believe in you anymore
God:Bye for now.
Me: why not goodbye forever?
God:Becuase you asked me to.
Me: i did not
God:I thought you did.
Me: no i didn't
God:Please don't argue with me.
Me: you started it first!
God:Only because you asked me to.
Me: i hope you burn in eternal hell
God:Don't worry about it,.
Me: fine. i'll have sweet dreams of that tonight
God:Does that mean you agree? Congratulations.
Me: good riddance!
God:Thanks for the compliment.
The Darling and I had the most enjoyable morning making a spoof out of this pseudo-God thing. If you think those convos were funny, the Darling is ten times the wickedness and hilarity. A pity though, that she's bound by circumstances..so whatever gem she churns out is seen by my eyes only :)
You do read this, so thanks for turning my depression into the biggest laugh. Love you loads!
Wanna talk to God?
dysphoria came at 12:05 PM
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Finality.
It's always the last that leaves the deepest impression, that is empowered by Destiny to move mountains, thus changing your life forever.
Like the last gambol with him. All you remember of him was how much he resembles a Greek-god, and how you've never felt such bliss before.
Like the last banter with him. How you get all the funny ideas from the very profound words, and then proceed to bring everything to the next level-on your own.
Like the last encounter with him. You'll always remember that, because you almost exploded into a confetti of happiness then.
Like the last time you missed each other. It made you swear to always think, before making a decision, didn't you? You learnt from your mistake, and so you're gradually becoming a better person.
Like the last time you tell yourself, you have no time for this game anymore. Oh, how recalcitrant you were. You think you'll never get this back again once it flitters away and proceed to mope...But deep down, you know it'll do you more than good. From this, you made your first major sacrifice.
--------------------
I think, I need to study. Seoks says everything will have to wait, and that I should really really ponder if this is worthwhile. She says it isn't, and something in me tells me so too- but all will be postponed.
Now darling Notes, I shall love you like no other from this day on.
It's always the last that leaves the deepest impression, that is empowered by Destiny to move mountains, thus changing your life forever.
Like the last gambol with him. All you remember of him was how much he resembles a Greek-god, and how you've never felt such bliss before.
Like the last banter with him. How you get all the funny ideas from the very profound words, and then proceed to bring everything to the next level-on your own.
Like the last encounter with him. You'll always remember that, because you almost exploded into a confetti of happiness then.
Like the last time you missed each other. It made you swear to always think, before making a decision, didn't you? You learnt from your mistake, and so you're gradually becoming a better person.
Like the last time you tell yourself, you have no time for this game anymore. Oh, how recalcitrant you were. You think you'll never get this back again once it flitters away and proceed to mope...But deep down, you know it'll do you more than good. From this, you made your first major sacrifice.
--------------------
I think, I need to study. Seoks says everything will have to wait, and that I should really really ponder if this is worthwhile. She says it isn't, and something in me tells me so too- but all will be postponed.
Now darling Notes, I shall love you like no other from this day on.
dysphoria came at 11:00 AM
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Note To Self
For every choice you make, you make a little sacrifice. Okay, maybe it's the hopeless and long-dormant optimist in you that regards every sacrifice as "little", but however painful that sacrifice may seem at that time, you'll get over it eventually.
Don't grief now. Things will be better. There's no doubt that you deem everything about it as vital essentials, but sometimes, you have to learn to be less uptight. Over-sentimentality has always been your most evident shortcoming, so please, learn to LET GO. Destiny will make it better, because you have faith in it. Besides, you gained a lot from your choice didn't you? You were happy, enlightened and finally, emotionally satisfied.
Remember Vic, never make a choice that you'll regret. Please ponder carefully next time, because second chances in life are as rare as guys like 52.
For every choice you make, you make a little sacrifice. Okay, maybe it's the hopeless and long-dormant optimist in you that regards every sacrifice as "little", but however painful that sacrifice may seem at that time, you'll get over it eventually.
Don't grief now. Things will be better. There's no doubt that you deem everything about it as vital essentials, but sometimes, you have to learn to be less uptight. Over-sentimentality has always been your most evident shortcoming, so please, learn to LET GO. Destiny will make it better, because you have faith in it. Besides, you gained a lot from your choice didn't you? You were happy, enlightened and finally, emotionally satisfied.
Remember Vic, never make a choice that you'll regret. Please ponder carefully next time, because second chances in life are as rare as guys like 52.
dysphoria came at 2:28 AM
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Our Secret Language.
"Girl ah!!! The brother is on CSI! Quick come and see!"
"Ahhhhhh!" I half ran, half lamented, "Why. Is. Singapore's CSI. THIS. lag??".
And by the way, he looked really magnificent (:
"Girl ah!!! The brother is on CSI! Quick come and see!"
"Ahhhhhh!" I half ran, half lamented, "Why. Is. Singapore's CSI. THIS. lag??".
And by the way, he looked really magnificent (:
dysphoria came at 11:33 PM
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When The Past Doesn't Suck Anymore.
This is really like scoring a hole-in-one all alone with no one to witness that brilliant spectacle. You're practically foaming at your lips with Happy Suds, your heart ballooning to twice its size with helium, your lips keep threatening to twitch upwards at the slightest reminder- and yet, no one knows.
So what can you do?
You smile to yourself all the way home like a crazed pervert. Finally when your fragile shoulders can no longer bare the heavy burden, you share this miraculous feeling with the giver of it.
Ultra sweet.
This is really like scoring a hole-in-one all alone with no one to witness that brilliant spectacle. You're practically foaming at your lips with Happy Suds, your heart ballooning to twice its size with helium, your lips keep threatening to twitch upwards at the slightest reminder- and yet, no one knows.
So what can you do?
You smile to yourself all the way home like a crazed pervert. Finally when your fragile shoulders can no longer bare the heavy burden, you share this miraculous feeling with the giver of it.
Ultra sweet.
dysphoria came at 3:44 PM
|
Faster Than You Can Say "Bye"
Whoa, the guys have all received their enlistment letters. Believe it or not, I'm actually concerned for them. Will people like Fat and Des survive the more physically demanding elements? Will people like Tay and Darling Fifi emerge a changed man? Will I completely lose touch with Bro and Kel, of whom I barely meet up with in normal everyday life?
What then will become of us?
Maybe I'm just depressed for myself. My own selfish reasons. It'll break my heart to see them leave one by one....how will the delicate, fragile girls survive the big bad world on their own? It's like witnessing 52 walking away from my life, with 20 times the heartwrenching pain (for the 20 or so friends).
I simply cannot imagine a life withoutguys them. So life after A's is a very daunting, much dreaded prospect. Whoever said it's fun and freedom and hard-partying? How to have fun when you know a tiny part of your heart is reaching out for their pleasant company?
Oh I'm always horrible at parting. Don't even get me started on graduation....I find it uber ironic that I can tear at the thought of leaving this place of tragedy, being separated from my highly individual but cool class and ultimately, letting go of the memories of him forever.
Please, I beg myself not to cry tomorrow.
Whoa, the guys have all received their enlistment letters. Believe it or not, I'm actually concerned for them. Will people like Fat and Des survive the more physically demanding elements? Will people like Tay and Darling Fifi emerge a changed man? Will I completely lose touch with Bro and Kel, of whom I barely meet up with in normal everyday life?
What then will become of us?
Maybe I'm just depressed for myself. My own selfish reasons. It'll break my heart to see them leave one by one....how will the delicate, fragile girls survive the big bad world on their own? It's like witnessing 52 walking away from my life, with 20 times the heartwrenching pain (for the 20 or so friends).
I simply cannot imagine a life without
Oh I'm always horrible at parting. Don't even get me started on graduation....I find it uber ironic that I can tear at the thought of leaving this place of tragedy, being separated from my highly individual but cool class and ultimately, letting go of the memories of him forever.
Please, I beg myself not to cry tomorrow.
dysphoria came at 9:38 PM
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Variable In-Separables (:
This is for all the peeps I love out there *wink wink*
If I'm the corpse, you're my maggots.
If I'm the blade, you're my blood.
If I'm the guillotine, you're my head.
If I'm the hot iron, you're my skin.
If I'm the Nazi, you're my Hitler.
If I'm the noose, you're my neck.
If I'm the undertaker, you're my cemetary.
If I'm the full moon, you're my werewolf.
If I'm the sick, depraved and dark girl (as he says), you're my beloved confidantes.
Sorry for the extreme mushiness of late. Maybe the magnitude of happiness I'm experiencing is proportional to the extent of mushiness. Heh heh.And to make matters worse, I keep seeing the most poignant scene ever in Lost, where MY HERO Jack played "Heart and Soul" on the piano, with his fiancee. Oh, the softness of his eyes....Now that Boone's gone (well not entirely, because he'll be back. I know.), I think Jack's incredibly cute!
This is for all the peeps I love out there *wink wink*
If I'm the corpse, you're my maggots.
If I'm the blade, you're my blood.
If I'm the guillotine, you're my head.
If I'm the hot iron, you're my skin.
If I'm the Nazi, you're my Hitler.
If I'm the noose, you're my neck.
If I'm the undertaker, you're my cemetary.
If I'm the full moon, you're my werewolf.
If I'm the sick, depraved and dark girl (as he says), you're my beloved confidantes.
Sorry for the extreme mushiness of late. Maybe the magnitude of happiness I'm experiencing is proportional to the extent of mushiness. Heh heh.And to make matters worse, I keep seeing the most poignant scene ever in Lost, where MY HERO Jack played "Heart and Soul" on the piano, with his fiancee. Oh, the softness of his eyes....Now that Boone's gone (well not entirely, because he'll be back. I know.), I think Jack's incredibly cute!
So mature and fatherly. He's the new ultra delectable brown-haired hawttie!
If I'm Kate, will YOU be my Jack?
dysphoria came at 6:11 PM
|
This feels a lot like Love.
Please tell me if it's so, because I've forgotten what love was like.
Please tell me if it's so, because I've forgotten what love was like.
dysphoria came at 12:29 AM
|
I Miss That Day I Ruffled Your Hair
I've never come to feel for someone who blows hot and cold.
And I won't.
Because it already hurts and traumatises so much now- I have no sadistic tendencies to repeat history. I wish I had the guts and discipline to beseech you to let me heal in peace.
Now, I can only wish in silence because you were always the soft, tender spot of the heart that I can never bare to hurt. I care for your bashful, innocent grins; your soft baby-like hair; your slightly weathered palm that oozes with warmth; your radiant tender skin; your beautiful personality; your mysterious yet highly intriguing mind. I care for you too much, too much.
I set my eyes on another,
and you went away with a stranger.
We had ourselves burned bad.
While throwing away what we had.
Lingering regret, sweet wistful yearning,
Shall whence haunt our conscience.
I promise, I'll always smile when I think of you and the beautiful yore.
I've never come to feel for someone who blows hot and cold.
And I won't.
Because it already hurts and traumatises so much now- I have no sadistic tendencies to repeat history. I wish I had the guts and discipline to beseech you to let me heal in peace.
Now, I can only wish in silence because you were always the soft, tender spot of the heart that I can never bare to hurt. I care for your bashful, innocent grins; your soft baby-like hair; your slightly weathered palm that oozes with warmth; your radiant tender skin; your beautiful personality; your mysterious yet highly intriguing mind. I care for you too much, too much.
I set my eyes on another,
and you went away with a stranger.
We had ourselves burned bad.
While throwing away what we had.
Lingering regret, sweet wistful yearning,
Shall whence haunt our conscience.
I promise, I'll always smile when I think of you and the beautiful yore.
dysphoria came at 8:18 PM
|
Exclusively For Members Only
I feel oddly blessed that he lets me in on the most important decisions of his life, when few have the privilege to even get wind of what's he really into nowadays. It's like he respects and loves me enough to break off a huge chunk of his personal life a la a block of Cadbury's to share it with me. Good things in life are meant to be shared- he's so magnificent, I want the whole of him :)
You know, it really makes my day, when I realised I actually understand him at a deeper level than most do. Maybe my imagination's really running wild due to the ultra high dose of caffeine (more on that later), but I like to think that I've gained exclusivity with his life.
Not long after Fifi entered NJ, I was really really devastated that others began calling him with that endearing nickname too. I felt robbed, cruelly deprived of my only love. How dare others use that name I've grown so affectionately attached to? How could he be shared among SO MANY others, most of whom don't know him as I do at all? He didn't even had time for me, which was what shattered me the most. We don't meet everyday and talk about inane issues and laugh and tease each other anymore. I was jealous, I spat at myself for entering NJ because of a lost cause, and I almost hated those who snatched him away from me. The wrath I had in me was barely a recognisable emotion.
If you really love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it'll be yours forever.
Thank god I was forced to grow up through all the trauma of almost losing the best friendship I had, of enduring the whole 52 experience without a Best Friend, to be coerced into facing the torturous JC days with bitterness and misery all bottled inside. I'm a tad more independent and mature than Vic of the yore.
It was this particularly painful growing-up process that peeled open my eyes and made me see that this friendship was never gone. Being the best of friends doesn't mean we have to cling onto each other 24/7. Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I know that he appreciates everything. Like me, he can't articulate his feelings (or anything at all for that matter) well- but true connection surpasses the boundaries of words. He knows no honeyed words, nor grand gestures, but it's the little things he does sometimes that shows he does care.
The affections I've dedicated to him was what made the friendship exclusive. It's incredibly special in the way that no other relationships we have will be exactly the same as this. No one can have the same magnitude and the type of love, nor do the same things we've done for each other. He's special to me, I'm special to him, and this wonderful, wonderful friendship is irreplaceable.
I think, I can be special too. If even I can, then everyone's special to someone.
There really is meaning to our existance, no matter how tiny we think we are.
I feel oddly blessed that he lets me in on the most important decisions of his life, when few have the privilege to even get wind of what's he really into nowadays. It's like he respects and loves me enough to break off a huge chunk of his personal life a la a block of Cadbury's to share it with me. Good things in life are meant to be shared- he's so magnificent, I want the whole of him :)
You know, it really makes my day, when I realised I actually understand him at a deeper level than most do. Maybe my imagination's really running wild due to the ultra high dose of caffeine (more on that later), but I like to think that I've gained exclusivity with his life.
Not long after Fifi entered NJ, I was really really devastated that others began calling him with that endearing nickname too. I felt robbed, cruelly deprived of my only love. How dare others use that name I've grown so affectionately attached to? How could he be shared among SO MANY others, most of whom don't know him as I do at all? He didn't even had time for me, which was what shattered me the most. We don't meet everyday and talk about inane issues and laugh and tease each other anymore. I was jealous, I spat at myself for entering NJ because of a lost cause, and I almost hated those who snatched him away from me. The wrath I had in me was barely a recognisable emotion.
If you really love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it'll be yours forever.
Thank god I was forced to grow up through all the trauma of almost losing the best friendship I had, of enduring the whole 52 experience without a Best Friend, to be coerced into facing the torturous JC days with bitterness and misery all bottled inside. I'm a tad more independent and mature than Vic of the yore.
It was this particularly painful growing-up process that peeled open my eyes and made me see that this friendship was never gone. Being the best of friends doesn't mean we have to cling onto each other 24/7. Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I know that he appreciates everything. Like me, he can't articulate his feelings (or anything at all for that matter) well- but true connection surpasses the boundaries of words. He knows no honeyed words, nor grand gestures, but it's the little things he does sometimes that shows he does care.
The affections I've dedicated to him was what made the friendship exclusive. It's incredibly special in the way that no other relationships we have will be exactly the same as this. No one can have the same magnitude and the type of love, nor do the same things we've done for each other. He's special to me, I'm special to him, and this wonderful, wonderful friendship is irreplaceable.
I think, I can be special too. If even I can, then everyone's special to someone.
There really is meaning to our existance, no matter how tiny we think we are.
dysphoria came at 7:05 PM
|
They had to part, but it pained her to no end.
Because with every "Goodbye" they bade, the end draws nearer. Deep down she knows that when the beautiful chapter of this rather eventful phase of their lives closes, they'll be done for. No more them, no more special friendship.
She understands, as well, that nothing more could ever come out of this union. Both too jaded with love, too exhausted with life, too scarred by the past, too different. But it was this kinda awkward, almost bashful existance of a friendship that she covets! There're no obligations needed to be fulfilled, just brilliant exchange of words that inspire and move each other. Words are easy, but they made her so happy.
So happy.
It's a quaint, unique little relationship like no other.
"Ok, so it's goodbye," she muttered wistfully.
"Yeah, I'm tired. There's so much going on recently,". His casual indifference broke her heart."Uh... I'll cya around then!", she mustered a cheerful front, lest he gained sensitivity overnight and noticed her disappointment.
"Yes, I'll see you ____ okay?". He was just being himself, ever unassuming and preoccupied with his warped theories.
Oh, that was the most brilliant combination of words! Words that boast of a promise, of hope, of anticipation. Easy words that most probably wouldn't be fulfilled, but it was the thought that made her spirits soar.
Does her words have such an impact on him? Does he feel like she does??
Because with every "Goodbye" they bade, the end draws nearer. Deep down she knows that when the beautiful chapter of this rather eventful phase of their lives closes, they'll be done for. No more them, no more special friendship.
She understands, as well, that nothing more could ever come out of this union. Both too jaded with love, too exhausted with life, too scarred by the past, too different. But it was this kinda awkward, almost bashful existance of a friendship that she covets! There're no obligations needed to be fulfilled, just brilliant exchange of words that inspire and move each other. Words are easy, but they made her so happy.
So happy.
It's a quaint, unique little relationship like no other.
"Ok, so it's goodbye," she muttered wistfully.
"Yeah, I'm tired. There's so much going on recently,". His casual indifference broke her heart."Uh... I'll cya around then!", she mustered a cheerful front, lest he gained sensitivity overnight and noticed her disappointment.
"Yes, I'll see you ____ okay?". He was just being himself, ever unassuming and preoccupied with his warped theories.
Oh, that was the most brilliant combination of words! Words that boast of a promise, of hope, of anticipation. Easy words that most probably wouldn't be fulfilled, but it was the thought that made her spirits soar.
Does her words have such an impact on him? Does he feel like she does??
dysphoria came at 12:45 AM
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Queen Vic of Superficiality.
I get jealous for the most inconsequential reasons. Like she's so much more prettier and richer and happier than me. It isn't "I'm so possessed by the green-eyed monster I wanna wrap my fingers TIGHT around your delicate, delicate neck" jealousy, nor "Stupid bitch! I can't stand her stuck-up look" envy. It's just a quiet, slow-brewing negativity that threatens to boil over my rotten heart. It hits against the chest as pangs of burning desire of things you'll never have.
A lil bit rueful, a lil bit despairing.
I'm rotten all inside.
It's even worse that I'm jealous for such reasons! Why can't I be more rational and go envy people who are way smarter, or capable, or more street-wise than me? Why be so obsessed with beauty and money? I have no substance. I worship fluff and worthless ephemerality.
I had my weekly dose of the fave Vampire show tonight. For the whole week, I craved for it like a hardcore junkie, pining the meaningless days away. When it finally arrived, instead of absorbing every precious second of it, I had to cry the entire show away. Just because of a man who waited 7 years for a date with the woman he loves. 7 YEARS! FOR JUST A DATE! My god. Guys like that never exist, but it's nice to lose touch with reality for a tiny while.
But he had to go and die. Just when I was rejoicing the fact that she finally gave her affirmation.
Fate is uber tragic- in reality, and even in no-substance HK serials.
I'm dying for Ma Xiao Ling and Kuang Tian You to finally get together! It's funny that such sentiments still get carried over from the ever so distant primary school days. Whoa, Ma Xiao Ling is like my epitome of beauty and coolness, and they're every little girl's dream couple :) Or maybe it's just me who feels this way, because I'm ever the sucker for dark romances with tragic endings. Think Eric and Christine, the Butterfly Lovers, Padme and Anakin.
And do you know my greatest dream EVAR, isn't to work with the most sinister and vile criminals, but to write a book? A turn-of-the-century epic romance that transcedes all possible boundaries dividing humanity. I wish it to inspire love among Mankind. To move even the coldest of Osamas and George Bushes, and melt all enmity and hatred. It'll last generations after generations, long after we're all gone; but it's message still resonating clearly in readers' hearts. I wanted to create the greatest literary miracle ever since Sir Shakespeare's works. But when I read some of my entries at random, I get so ashamed of these expectations I've set for myself. How to be a writer when I write with an attention span shorter than the MTV generation? How to convey meaning with such pathetic grammer and inchorence? How to capture one's attention when even I get bored with the most painstakingly written entries?
Because I have no substance, I'll always be too shallow to achieve my dream.
Shameful confessions and revelations these are...
I get jealous for the most inconsequential reasons. Like she's so much more prettier and richer and happier than me. It isn't "I'm so possessed by the green-eyed monster I wanna wrap my fingers TIGHT around your delicate, delicate neck" jealousy, nor "Stupid bitch! I can't stand her stuck-up look" envy. It's just a quiet, slow-brewing negativity that threatens to boil over my rotten heart. It hits against the chest as pangs of burning desire of things you'll never have.
A lil bit rueful, a lil bit despairing.
I'm rotten all inside.
It's even worse that I'm jealous for such reasons! Why can't I be more rational and go envy people who are way smarter, or capable, or more street-wise than me? Why be so obsessed with beauty and money? I have no substance. I worship fluff and worthless ephemerality.
I had my weekly dose of the fave Vampire show tonight. For the whole week, I craved for it like a hardcore junkie, pining the meaningless days away. When it finally arrived, instead of absorbing every precious second of it, I had to cry the entire show away. Just because of a man who waited 7 years for a date with the woman he loves. 7 YEARS! FOR JUST A DATE! My god. Guys like that never exist, but it's nice to lose touch with reality for a tiny while.
But he had to go and die. Just when I was rejoicing the fact that she finally gave her affirmation.
Fate is uber tragic- in reality, and even in no-substance HK serials.
I'm dying for Ma Xiao Ling and Kuang Tian You to finally get together! It's funny that such sentiments still get carried over from the ever so distant primary school days. Whoa, Ma Xiao Ling is like my epitome of beauty and coolness, and they're every little girl's dream couple :) Or maybe it's just me who feels this way, because I'm ever the sucker for dark romances with tragic endings. Think Eric and Christine, the Butterfly Lovers, Padme and Anakin.
And do you know my greatest dream EVAR, isn't to work with the most sinister and vile criminals, but to write a book? A turn-of-the-century epic romance that transcedes all possible boundaries dividing humanity. I wish it to inspire love among Mankind. To move even the coldest of Osamas and George Bushes, and melt all enmity and hatred. It'll last generations after generations, long after we're all gone; but it's message still resonating clearly in readers' hearts. I wanted to create the greatest literary miracle ever since Sir Shakespeare's works. But when I read some of my entries at random, I get so ashamed of these expectations I've set for myself. How to be a writer when I write with an attention span shorter than the MTV generation? How to convey meaning with such pathetic grammer and inchorence? How to capture one's attention when even I get bored with the most painstakingly written entries?
Because I have no substance, I'll always be too shallow to achieve my dream.
Shameful confessions and revelations these are...
dysphoria came at 1:13 AM
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To Smile Like Vic 101
- Bump into the sizzling hot Zach first thing in the morning in your condo. Then meet his eyes and try to give him the most "meaningful" look you can muster, so he can finally recognise you the next time you meet again at the Bt Batok Interchange. Fantasise about how nice it is to have someone that delectable waiting to pick you up at your condo every morn! Oh a girl can dream can't she?
- Hop onto a bus with an uber considerate bus-driver who waits till all the elderly that boards the bus is seated, before driving off. Be so profoundly touched and proud that this dying country actually has nice people, that you begin to tear. Have your Mum chiding you as "childish" and "over-emotional", but know deep down that she takes pride in your wholesome naivete. Then drift into blissful reminisce of the times you cried right outside Heerens during a class outing all because of a man "who looks poor and haggard and pitiful" and in school, when learning that toilet cleaners do nothing during their free time but to sit facing the walls and chew on cheap bread. Those were the times of your protected, ignorant teenhood.
- Meet Mr Chee Soon Juan, your childhood hero-whom you exalted more after how he honourably fought and fell for a cause he dedicated his life to. There's nothing more attractive about a man who stands firmly by his principles. Meet his eyes, feel your knees wobble in sheer ecstasy that you forget how to twitch your lips upwards. And when he beckons to you, you shuffle over very shyly, and shake his hand. Feel that electrifying touch of his, and be bowled over by the intelligence emanating from his gaze. Walk away with your loyalty to the Democrats reaffirmed.
- Dine at Surf and Turf, and sink your teeth into the most sinful piece of steak EVAR. Soaked in effing bourbon for 12 days! Kill me if you can't taste the wicked sweetness of the best booze that ever came from the US of A, and be enchanted by the tender, tender meat! And when you get bored from the saccharine food, fix your roving eyes onto those impossibly cute waiters. Then remember how Nan used to exclaim, "OMG! 52 has chest muscles leh!", and giggle to yourself when you try to imagine how Nan will faint with excitement looking at the guys here. Diabetes inducing food and eye candies for a very reasonable price (:
I really think Zach's terribly HAWT, lah. Sigh. And I'm dying dying dying to go back to Surf and Turf again. Darlings reading this, lets go there on our next date k k k????!
Vic is a damn despo girl.
dysphoria came at 11:33 PM
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Red Says Hi.
I'm flinging random objects at the walls again recently.
The last time this happened, I remember flinging a chair (there was no more throw-able objects) at the window, and it cracked down the middle. But well, I lost it for a very very reasonable cause. The aftermath was facing the broken window for the rest of my life in the old house, and contemplating very seriously on an Anger-management course.
You know, I'm so bad at articulating my emotions, and justifying them, I just dunno what's causing my rising temper. Hormonal changes? Immensely dismal results? Lack of outlets for my pent-up frustrations? Leading the impossibly mundane life, that I'm not so sure if I'm in control of my own destiny anymore?
Now I'm blaming everything bad thing on everything else except myself. I whine and scream and cause chaos at home. I'm way more fatal than WMDs should I ever be let out into the real world.
Ok ok, he tells me yongfook's back.
That's one tiny reason to reason to scream for joy and do a little victory dance!
Because no one's as hot and hilarious as him. It's one thing to sizzle all eyes that lie on you, another to tickle your funny-bones so hard you barely remember to breathe, and heavenly to be both!
I'm tired. It's hard to be angry and then pretend like nothing has happened. I can barely keep up with my fickle temperaments myself. Because everything has happened to me. So much so that this life is no longer mine. I cry, I blame heavens, I blame Fate, I see red, I wallow in the deep pool of self-pity, I give up on myself. Tell me, what more can I do??????
Momster: If you're so sick of life, don't go school already lah. Don't sit for your A's also. Go read the papers now and look for a job.
Vic: *silence*
I have nothing to say anymore because I've lost all my opinions and cognition have degraded to the most elementary level. And maybe a small, tiny weeny part of me just yearns dreadfully to heed Mum's angry words.
They say when you're all lost and in despair, the person you wish for the most is the one you love most. Well I want Fifi and HIM now.
No longer 52, but who's complaining anyway.
And by the way, if you're able to keep up with the incoherence and bad English till this point, congrats! You're one of Vic's 13 most anonymous ardent fan-readers!
Like that counts for alot. Hoho. If you like reading about the insane rants of a no-lifed loser, it does reflect a lot on your reading taste. No offence meant here- it's just, don't feel obliged to read anymore because you're my friend ya know? I'm okay talking to myself, to the blank pages of dear Bloggy. There are thousands of more interesting and funny blogs out there. I'm unfunny and probably the saddest 18 yesr old ever. Go away if you have to.
I'm really tired. Effing tired.
I'm flinging random objects at the walls again recently.
The last time this happened, I remember flinging a chair (there was no more throw-able objects) at the window, and it cracked down the middle. But well, I lost it for a very very reasonable cause. The aftermath was facing the broken window for the rest of my life in the old house, and contemplating very seriously on an Anger-management course.
You know, I'm so bad at articulating my emotions, and justifying them, I just dunno what's causing my rising temper. Hormonal changes? Immensely dismal results? Lack of outlets for my pent-up frustrations? Leading the impossibly mundane life, that I'm not so sure if I'm in control of my own destiny anymore?
Now I'm blaming everything bad thing on everything else except myself. I whine and scream and cause chaos at home. I'm way more fatal than WMDs should I ever be let out into the real world.
Ok ok, he tells me yongfook's back.
That's one tiny reason to reason to scream for joy and do a little victory dance!
Because no one's as hot and hilarious as him. It's one thing to sizzle all eyes that lie on you, another to tickle your funny-bones so hard you barely remember to breathe, and heavenly to be both!
I'm tired. It's hard to be angry and then pretend like nothing has happened. I can barely keep up with my fickle temperaments myself. Because everything has happened to me. So much so that this life is no longer mine. I cry, I blame heavens, I blame Fate, I see red, I wallow in the deep pool of self-pity, I give up on myself. Tell me, what more can I do??????
Momster: If you're so sick of life, don't go school already lah. Don't sit for your A's also. Go read the papers now and look for a job.
Vic: *silence*
I have nothing to say anymore because I've lost all my opinions and cognition have degraded to the most elementary level. And maybe a small, tiny weeny part of me just yearns dreadfully to heed Mum's angry words.
They say when you're all lost and in despair, the person you wish for the most is the one you love most. Well I want Fifi and HIM now.
No longer 52, but who's complaining anyway.
And by the way, if you're able to keep up with the incoherence and bad English till this point, congrats! You're one of Vic's 13 most anonymous ardent fan-readers!
Like that counts for alot. Hoho. If you like reading about the insane rants of a no-lifed loser, it does reflect a lot on your reading taste. No offence meant here- it's just, don't feel obliged to read anymore because you're my friend ya know? I'm okay talking to myself, to the blank pages of dear Bloggy. There are thousands of more interesting and funny blogs out there. I'm unfunny and probably the saddest 18 yesr old ever. Go away if you have to.
I'm really tired. Effing tired.
dysphoria came at 7:26 AM
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What's In A Name
It's funny that when you're interested in someone, the first thing you ask of her is, "So what's her name?". Not "Is she a good person?", or "What does she like?", or "What does she think of me?".
If you wanna know me, do recognise that little details like your mannerisms, articulation and body language matter a lot to me. It irked me. Okay, maybe that question itself wouldn't have disgusted me as much, but as it was YOU, I was a tad horrified. Try picturing how I would have reacted if it was 52. Heh. What if I had a horrid sounding name, like Bermimi (that's a very unfortunate name, don't you think? *wink*), but actually possess all positive traits? What if I had everything in the world except the name- would you pass me for an unfeeling girl with a beautiful name? Not that I regard myself the greatest being, but those are just questions I would put to you if I even wanted to speak to you.
But you uneased me for the rest of the day too, because you made me realise I'm actually like that myself. So I know I had no right to see you with tinted shades. Names just seem to matter more than character nowadays don't they? It's really a natural instinct to ask for the name when strangers meet for the first time or when some hot guy/girl catches you roving eyes. This is because we're all adhering to societal norms. To not stick out like a sore thumb, we conform to the extent where we're barely distinguishable from one another. As such, even when we're dying to know how this particular heart-throb is like in person, we're compelled to learn of his name first. Like a person's name is held in higher regard than his character.
How tragic.
We're all superficial I guess, experiencing this inexplicable magnetism because of looks, charm, and the sound of the name.
It's funny that when you're interested in someone, the first thing you ask of her is, "So what's her name?". Not "Is she a good person?", or "What does she like?", or "What does she think of me?".
If you wanna know me, do recognise that little details like your mannerisms, articulation and body language matter a lot to me. It irked me. Okay, maybe that question itself wouldn't have disgusted me as much, but as it was YOU, I was a tad horrified. Try picturing how I would have reacted if it was 52. Heh. What if I had a horrid sounding name, like Bermimi (that's a very unfortunate name, don't you think? *wink*), but actually possess all positive traits? What if I had everything in the world except the name- would you pass me for an unfeeling girl with a beautiful name? Not that I regard myself the greatest being, but those are just questions I would put to you if I even wanted to speak to you.
But you uneased me for the rest of the day too, because you made me realise I'm actually like that myself. So I know I had no right to see you with tinted shades. Names just seem to matter more than character nowadays don't they? It's really a natural instinct to ask for the name when strangers meet for the first time or when some hot guy/girl catches you roving eyes. This is because we're all adhering to societal norms. To not stick out like a sore thumb, we conform to the extent where we're barely distinguishable from one another. As such, even when we're dying to know how this particular heart-throb is like in person, we're compelled to learn of his name first. Like a person's name is held in higher regard than his character.
How tragic.
We're all superficial I guess, experiencing this inexplicable magnetism because of looks, charm, and the sound of the name.
dysphoria came at 7:24 PM
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Not Trying To Be Mean.
Answers from GP Prelims:
Scoundrel= baddie/ philosopher/ bastard
Omg...I spent the entire 2 hours or so bursting out in stifled giggles. They say the school's GP standards are lower than it really should be, but now I say it's totally atrocious!
Ok lah, answers aren't meant to be laughed at, but I'd laugh along with you if I ever were to produce hilarious absurdities like that- so there, it's fair. I'm not mean k! It's just incredibly funny!
Scoundrel= philosopher.
Hahahahahahahaha!
Answers from GP Prelims:
Scoundrel= baddie/ philosopher/ bastard
Omg...I spent the entire 2 hours or so bursting out in stifled giggles. They say the school's GP standards are lower than it really should be, but now I say it's totally atrocious!
Ok lah, answers aren't meant to be laughed at, but I'd laugh along with you if I ever were to produce hilarious absurdities like that- so there, it's fair. I'm not mean k! It's just incredibly funny!
Scoundrel= philosopher.
Hahahahahahahaha!
dysphoria came at 8:24 PM
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Top 5 Secret Crushes
They're either forbidden, or of objects too fugly/old/fat (insert negative adjective) you'd cower in shame talking about them.
They're either forbidden, or of objects too fugly/old/fat (insert negative adjective) you'd cower in shame talking about them.
- My VERY VERY VERY HOT RJC doctor.
Wont say which clinic, lest you guys become my competition! If Tay has the perfect hands, Mr Too-hot-to-be-true-Doc beats him hands down! Large palms for a sense of security, long tapered fingers which symbolise artistic inclinations, slightly callused skin meaning he's able to take hardship, and most importantly, the loving touch of a doctor!!! Don't ask me how I know how their hands feel like. I just know! *wink wink* And I love how he saved my life the other time I had very critical stomachache (from stress) and knew immediately which pills (aluminium! sounds weird eh..but I'll never doubt his professionalism) would ease it. He's every girl's dream hero I guarantee you ;)
2. Jude Law.
This is one unfaithful, heartless, cold-blooded, philandering cad. How could he betray Sadie Frost with Sienna Miller, and then Sienna Miller with his childrens' nanny? He's simply a sex-crazed jerk who's never satisfied no?
Well who cares? He's cute.
All man are like him actually. And I've always thought Sadie and Sienna were too bland-looking for him. A man of his calibre would do well with a timeless beauty like, maybe Mischa Barton or something. I never get why Sienna is hailed as the Boho Princess. Princess my foot! She's been fugged more times than even Courtney Love-and that isn't something you'll be proud of. Ok ok, jealousy's carrying my words way outta point...fact is, I just love his looks. Very suave, very confident, very smooth. I'd melt into a gooey lump of teenage passion just looking at his pictures.
3. Xi Wang.
This is a stranger I've met thrice under different circumstances. He's a spitting image of the long-time favourite Shawn Yue, so you know why I havent forgot about him despite last seeing him 2 years ago. I remember being so won over by his unassuming charms that on the last occasion we met (at some swanky restaurant), I was blabbering to a friend how incredibly surreal the situation was for me, when he was just at the next table. I didn't realise how loud my voice carried, until she kicked me under the table, and I realised he was actually smiling very bashfully.
And I almost went to SAJC because of him too, as the first time we met was at the SAJC openhouse, during which he was wandering all about alone. I have an inexplicable soft-spot for mysterious, weird, anti-social loners! But then of course, Fifi's magick over-powered his, and I came to this hell of a school (pun intended). Heh. Xi Wang means hope, as I still harbour hope of meeting him somewhere, someday; and ask him if he believes in Destiny like I do.
4. Viggo Mortenson
Every person I reveal my secret crush to will invariably comment that he's too old and unappealing. Well I'll say it once and for all : Viggy's HOT OK? Hotter than Cradle-snatcher-Cruise or Mum-lovin-Kutcher. I really dig his worldy, mature aura. His eyes just draw you deep into his soul, and you'd feel like jumping right into the screen to smoothen his wizened face, and make everything alright for him. This is where looks don't matter, so don't you ever accuse me of being superficial!
5. +
I'm treading on very thin-ice by even revealing a hint of his identity. We click like no soulmates do and he makes me happy. That's about it, because love should be simple no?
I'm making a record of all my silly crushes, because today I realised I almost forgot about the beloved XiWang until I visited the restaurant with the parents again. These people shall be figments of the happy memories and sustain me in the days without 52 :)
dysphoria came at 10:10 PM
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