I love how Daddy hugs me and all the pain vaporises like ethanol on heat, and I'll melt into a mushy pool of teenage angst.

I think about leaving with him ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But I so happen to have an extremely unreasonable, strong-headed and domineering Mum that I'm dependent on. Daddy's great...he's the only person I idolise in this whole screwed up world, but he's never affectionate, never a man of many words, and you know how I thrive on company, love and sweet nothings. He's the only man I'll trust with my life (besides Fifi, but he's almost family to me), and I'll ever truly love I guess..but I cannot live with him. Daddies don't make loving care-givers, do they?

I can't say I hate Mummy, because we're all obliged to love our parents. And she does has a few redeeming qualities...but she doesn't fucking empathise. She doesn't know her daughter of 18 years at all. Not at all. She despises my ambition when all I want to do is to study and help the fallen, she scoffs at my taste in every aspect just because I'm atypical, she actually insults my social skills when I refuse to hang out with her bunch of dowdy friends because I have my own social obligations....I have freaking friends dammit! I loathe it when her friends go, "Why does your daughter tag along with you all the time?" and she goes, "She loves to stay at home one lah. She has very little friends.". THAT'S FUCKING CRAP. If she only grants me more freedon! I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS! WHAT SHIT IS THAT. SINCE WHEN AM I AN ANIT-SOCIAL LONER. SINCE WHEN!!!!!!

And it's a FUCKING CONTRADICTION when she goes," Why do you have so many friends, you don't have time for me now! You're friends are more important than your family lah? Like this might as well stay with your friends. Quick go pack your suitcase now, don't come home in the future!". Please, I could reason much better than her. At least be coherent when you lecture your child. Why get so freaking angry with me when I'm out, when you were the one who complained I was too much of a home-body?! Why oh freaking why do I have to endure such incessant lecturings about staying out late when I'm already 18! 18, I'm legal for a great many things..and shouldn't you be grateful I don't indulge in drugs, fags, sex-whatever freaking vices there are? Daddy condones my behaviour, he sees me as a unique but altogether wholesome individual..so why can't you view me with the same eyes? Fuck, I honestly don't see nothing wrong with my doings AT ALL. I'm good. She's wrong, not all the time, but mostly. Even Daddy agrees with me. I'm not a bad daughter. Really.

My mother just lacks empathy. And maybe reasoning. For that, it's really hell living with her ever since Daddy got posted to China..but I did compromise. I DID. It's never enough for her, and now I'm determined to learn about independence from Pooi, and maybe follow in her footsteps once I'm ready.

I know I'm ranting. But those tears that I refused to shed are reduced to angry words..and I so need an outlet to vent. I need freedom. I'm free-spirited. I'm never one to conform, never conventional. I need a reason behind every lecturing..but she never tries to understand that. I never knew what is the connection between us, since we're vastly different.

Oh and now I think he's very upset with me. I'm the vilest villian all of a sudden. I really didn't mean to disappoint you guys. I really didn't..but I have my own reasons really. All I can recall now is the disappointment in Fifi's voice, and how it broke my heart but I couldn't afford a melt down in public. I think I've let myself down thoroughly this time too. Fifi you're the last person I want to cancel a date with. Shuhui, I'm really very sorry too, I know how you hate people backing out on dates. I owe you one okay!! And to him, I think I ruined everything. I was so delighted when I knew my company would make you this unusually hyper and affectionate. I was really really anticipating it, because I knew we would be happy. But things happened..and I'm really the lousiest friend for letting you and your friends down. I'm sorry, I just hoped you would understand.

But it doesnt seem like you did.

It devastates me so terribly, you know that?

I didn't cry when all that family drama happened. But when you said those unfeeling, nonchalent, jealousy-inducing words, my heart just stood still. I was so nastily shocked, I couldn't feel. I'm too tired for anymore apologies. I was wrong, but your indifference towards me was really murder. |

Back already! But exhaustion is seeping through my bones..so will blog properly another time.

I'm sorry there's no pics and funny presents for you guys, because I spent half of the trip being traumatised, and the other half pining. Bad experience indeed, but lets just leave that for another time.

Home never feels so blissful before! And someone's being unexpectedly, ultra sweet, I can't stop smiling like a dope. I don't care about that special mail anymore..what matters is the present yeah. (: |

Everything's well and sweet.

No more excess baggage. I'll be leaving a lot behind this Yuletide I know, but circumstances are beyong my control sometimes(think unreasonable, domineering parents). Please don't have too much fun without me people! Don't move on too fast during my absence!

Yes, I think you would have guessed by now how reluctant I am to leave. It's the 5th year running I can't spend Christmas with the people I want. It breaks my heart terribly. No chance to be romanced, to countdown to Christmas and hug and kiss everyone when the moment occurs, to soak in the magical atmosphere, and to simply just enjoy the warmth of the season with a loved one. This time round I should be thankful it's Hongkong, but being in a foreign land with people warbling weird dialects isn't exactly my idea of fun and fulfilment. Ayes....but just maybe I can find my own world of twisted happiness there (:

It's only 5 days or so. So hold the excitment till I'm back okay!!



Wei: I hope I can bring Shawn back for ya, to cheer you up a little. Will seduce/abduct/charm him back, as best as I can! Muahaha. But we'll have to share him, cos I love him so much too! Please be happy okay...at least hang on till I'm back. I'll make life better for you! (: |

Bestie Salvages My Day.

Yeah. It actually is possible to survive on the best friendship for the time being.

Can't wait for the 29th! With all the good luck rolling in, HCB just might be there. |

The Most Essential Inconsequence

Serves me right for not checking my inbox at all.

There's this bit of affection that has been there for days, it's trace totally undetected by the ever-so negligent I. But as I clicked on the name with trembling fingers, the happy revelation unfolded (: I'm the second most important ...not No.1, but it's good enough for me. Now who says all girls are jealous creatures?

What matters is, he does care. And appreciate.

There's something more that he promised himself. It's my main motivation to rise in unearthly hours of the morn', just to check if it's delivered. But nah, it's way overdue, people. My spirits are dampened, and my health is ailing from all the pining. I don't want to lose the most important piece of mail in my life to some unpardonable human error. Please let it not be.

If I'm not meant to receive it, then at least let my doubts be answered tonight. Tonight, for I cannot depart with all that excess baggage. Tonight, for I declare it to be the reunion of the world's greatest nocturnes.

To think that I insisted on a needless haircut to symbolise a new start...Bye bye 52, Hi amour interdit. Life's just one freaking cycle after another till the day you die. |

Snatches Of Recollections

At Work

Bee Lian: Eh I have on sweet girl for you to buddy today. Make sure you take care of her okay!
Vic: *rolls eyes furiously*
Jo: Okay.
BL (to surrounding colleagues): She's very sweet hor?
Vic: Ha......ha.....ha....*secretly cursing BL for the humiliation*

When listening in on a patient with super HOT voice

Jo: Mister X, I'm Jo from NUH Appt Services.
Mister X: Yes, yes. Hi!
Jo: I'm sorry but all our slots are fully booked for tomorrow. If your case is urgent, you'll have to go to AnE.
Mister X: But I just had an op last Tuesday you see. And the wound is bleeding quite badly you know....
Vic: *winces sympathetically*
Mister X: Sorry, what did you say?
Jo: *glares at Vic* Sorry Sir. You'll have to go to AnE, and the charges are $70 per consultation.
Mister X: Oh I went to the AnE previously, and it's seriously over-priced. I don't want to be charged such an exhorbitant amount again...

Blah blah blah.

Mister X: Okay. Bye bye!
Vic: *smiling* Byeee!
Jo: *raises eyebrows* Victoria, you're supposed to listen for this session, not talk!
Vic: His voice is SO CHARMING LEH!
Jo: It's only a patient dear, you'll tend to lots of people like that next time! Please learn to control your emotions, you need to be more professional.
Vic: Orh, okay...
Jo: Aiyoh, you so sweet. I think doctors are better for you. Next time if we lunch together at the staff canteen I'll introduce to you all the young eligible doctors okay?
Vic: Ehhh..*kicks shoes in frustration, such that it flies towards the boss's office* Hahahahaha. I get my shoes first ah!
Jo: You crazy ah!
Vic: Haahahaha. Actually I'd love it if you intro young Docs to me! But must be handsome ones leh!

Trust Vic to develop unfounded affections for faceless strangers eh? I can imagine you guys rolling your eyes and shaking your heads at me now. Bleah! But a hot guy voice, is a hot voice! It gets me all soft and mushy inside, and sets my imagination ablaze! Ah, I'll scream if I even get to converse with a young, hot doc who addresses me as "Dear", as do the receptionists.

About MY FI!

Vic: I like him so much k! He's SO CUTE!
Rose: Are you sure you won't develop that kinda feelings for him? You adore him right?
Vic: Yes adore..but it's because he's my best friend.
Rose: *funny look*
Vic: I mean I regard him as my best friend lah, though he doesnt even treat me as a friend. Haha. It's quite sad really, but I'm glad to sacrifice.
Rose: You know him what, he's always like that one. So you won't marry him eh? Everyone's betting that you'll end up together eventually!
Vic: He WILL be at my wedding! He'll be my best man, and I'll name my kids after him!
Rose: You wanna name your kids Fifi??! Hahahahaha.
Vic: NO. Wen foo!!

It's hilarious, just thinking about naming my kids Fi 1 and Fi 2 and so on....Like dogs in a pound (: But ya know, if I'm actually crazed enough to do that, it'll just be my retribution-for heaping on all the humiliation on poor Fi since the day we met.


At the pub

Waiter: Miss, did you just have 3 mugs of stout?
Vic: Er...yeah, Guiness lor.
Waiter: Actually Miss, we have a promotion now. If you could just do a catwalk for us on stage now, we'd treat your table to free-flow of Graveyard ( or some freaking alcohol that sounds like that).
Vic: NOW? No effing way! Not under my chinny chin chin!

Actually, I don't know what the hell possessed me, but I'm very sure I had that Graveyard drink, and hence is extremely wasted now. They've been saying how admirable it is to maintain my sanity despite that ultra toxic drink.

I'm not the Great Party Queen Vic for nothing. Blogging, while wasted...I just hope I'm coherent enough (: |

And You Can Take My Hand Now.

So many things to do, so little time to blog.

In case I havent the time to blog anymore today, I just met up with Rose for some catching up and to retrieve my long-lost autograph book.

It makes me wanna cry when I read about what they thought of me in the past: crazy, funny, cheerful, studious, pretty,, boy-crazy, writes in powderful engrish, and is simply one of a kind. Know me now, and you'll see that I'm but a ghost of my past. No, I'm not being modest, it's perfectly true. It's a wonder how merely 2 years of education in NJ has moulded my character into something so vastly different, I can barely recognise who my friends described me as years ago.

I had the sweetest friends around me all the time. I had the grades, the love, the friendship, the confidence, the infinite joy. I reigned over life. I was on the top of the world, shared the same pedestal as the happiest beings on earth. I was just one happy and sweet girl ya know? And now, I've taken a clumsy tumble into the rut of desperation. I've been rooted there for months, morphing into an aspiring Morticia Adams.

I really love everything that I had. I want that back.









I need happiness back in my embrace again.

Morticia Adams must become Lizzie McGuire. |

Imma Hot-air Balloon Waiting To Happen

My usual diet:

Breakyfast: 2 slices of cake, 1 glass of milk.
Lunch: usual fare of noodles/rice/pasta (*wink wink* i love free pasta from Mr XX!!)
After work break: chee cheong fun/ HUGEASS curry puff/ whatever fried, fatty, indulgent food can lay my hands on.
Dinner: whatever Mum whips up.
Supper: instant noodles/ ruffles/ 5 ferrero rochers/ half a pint of Ben and Jerry's

Now I know perfectly well I shouldn't, but I really can't help myself. Work is doing funny things to me. I feel permanently ravenous and exhausted. I'm sleeping twice the amount I usually do, eating twice as much as before. My excercise solely consists of walking the long route from the NUH bus stop to the call centre.

I'm really not made to work, am I? I'm whining at every possible opportunity to them poor friends, who're so hapless, all they could say is " You'll be happier when you get your first paycheck". But I'd rather be reed-thin and alert, than a wee bit richer, tired AND FAT.

Come 23rd, I'll feast more than ever before. All that Dimsum and Cantonese fare will definitely mark my downfall. Muahahaha. I retract my words about hating Chinese food. Now all food is good food to me.

Thank god maternity wear is fashionally-acceptable nowadays. I may just need it if I continue ballooning.

"Extreme dieting", or not? Help. |

A Starting Block.

Blogging is like binging on an extreme diet. Once you embark on Le Forbidden, you can't freaking stop, however strong you proclaim your resolution to be. But if you manage to resist the most sinful of temptations..ah ha! You'll marvel at your amazing will-power, and miraculously discover a happier, much more fulfilling life beyond your current one.

Now, I do not advocate extreme dieting USUALLY....but I have very important, valid reasons for immediate weight-loss, so there. Sometimes being thin does determine your life's happiness. That's the way society fuctions, so who am I to defy it's commandments? Besides, my version of extreme dieting is just having 2 meals a day. It's so called "extreme", because I'm never one to resist food. (:

I've admittedly lost my momentum and passion for blogging, and the midas touch for the written word. Er yes, I do love the way I write, so I owe no apologies for this bit of self-praise. After merely a week, it's so hard to get started, to churn out the very first sentence of this entry that would be the turning point of my life. But I have to try, for memory's sake.

Life has never treated me better. I'm living like a queen of late, surrounded by all the love and joy in the world. I have a great job, extremely supportive and fun friends, sufficently easy cashflow to sustain my shopping needs, and no lack of persons to tug at my heartstrings. In other words, I no longer need to spill the sorrows and pain buried in my heart to this blog, simply because they've vanished with the absence of school.

Dearest friends, do not beseech me to blog if you love me. I blog only when I'm troubled or lonely...so the absence of entries IS good news. I've way too many funny and exciting anecdotes to reveal them all on this blog, thus this entry should sufficiently convey the state of my life.

I might change the entire outlook of this blog, and symbolically, my life. I'm slowly recovering the long-lost characteristics I once had. I've become extremely chatty, laughed at the most inconsequential matter, committed more crazy stunts on a whim, walked with a bounce in my steps, smiled to myself when happy memories come to mind...I'm returning to the old Vic. Only time will tell how we both would evolve eventually, so we'll see.

Lets rejoice, my loves! |

Late Night Catharsis.

This Christmas I'll excavate my Love Actually DVD, clutch a bottle of Absolut Blackcurrant in one hand; a box of tissues in the other, and cry while thinking of you, our cowardice and missed chances.

I'll mourn us for the 2 whole hours.

I'm hoping I get so fucking wasted I'll finally dial your number and spill all the weird thoughts in my screwed head, just so you'll know. I don't seek understanding dear, just acknowledgement....though I've always thought we had a connection of sorts. You know why I crave alcohol in my system so much nowadays, because it gives me the courage, the liberation that I never owned in sobriety.

And fuck. I'm angry and frustrated and disappointed. Only Seoks knows ...I'm hoping like hell Wei would come back soon, so I could burden her with my inconsequential heart matters. Sometimes I pity my friends, because you never get rewarded from my friendship, just one burden heaped on top of another. I need to talk. To specific people who knows everything, and would bring my secrets to their graves.

No more irrational and stupid waiting after tonight.

Last shot darling. |

And now, I just need to call/seek someone and cry my heart out instead of to this dead, unfeeling monitor.

Oh, the tears that lie behind the happy emoticons and false "haha"s.

I hate my stupidity-why do I exist??? |

Trust Vic To Devastate Everything.

It wasn't our fault, but I feel like I owe you.

And I owe myself my life's happiness.

Sorry dear. I'm damn sorry.

I SWEAR I'LL ASK THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU AGAIN.

Let there be a next time. Please. PLEASE.







He's the closest since 52. Okay, there's him. But this really owns everything, much more than even him, because I have no qualms, no worries, no restrictions whatsoever when it comes to this. And I get all teary-eyed just thinking of what a fool I was that night. Is such immense regret and guilt enough of a punishment for my stupidity? Because I really doubt the heart is steeled enough for another 2-year long drama. God, please let it happen.

It must happen. |

A Half-Hearted Effort.

Darlings, don't worry about me anymore. My prom was the happiest night of my life (:

Boys, Booze, Fun, and BOYS. What more can a girl ask for?

I predict a drought of entries in the next week, because of the impending class chalet, and the dire need for a job. Will blog about prom, I swear! Just let me catch a breather and settle the frustrating mundane chores first.

Love loads!! |

I've been stealing glances at my dress all morning (and now afternoon), and falling in love with it all over again whenever I do. Well I stole glances, because of what else-insecurity..the fear that it'll become fugly if I stare at it for too long.

It really does looks, feels and floats like a dream.

But it's funny how it becomes blah when I pull it over myself.

Bad, bad model me is. Fugly fugly body me has. It'll be so much more worse if someone pretty wears the same dress, and I'll turn out more gruesome than ever next to her. :(

Okays, I think I need to be happy starting from NOW. Start self-creating fun and excitement amongst my friends and I , so this won't be a wasted prom. |

And Now, The Pre-Prom Drama.

It's 1am, and I can't sleep because the adrenaline rush from all the exciting events pre-prom has yet to subside!

I made Wei come to my house to have a look-through at my outfit this morn, because I was downright unconfident and insecure. She's very comforting and assuring as the most readily available bud., and it really pushed all my negative thoughts aside!

And then I caught Carrie on Chan5 tonight! Yes, how very apt..on the eve of prom. It'll take me eons to get over the sweet, sweet exhilaration derived from horror movies. Guess what happened midway through the show?? Daddy came back!!

Vic: OMG! I thought you end of the month then come back?
Dad: Your prom mah, how can I miss it.
Vic: Ya hor. Last time you sent me and my friends to prom one leh!
Dad: Mmm, ya. Eh I bought this watch for you, try on and see.
Vic: But I want my Fossil only. It's the watch I've loved the most.....
Dad: Aiyah try this lah, it's very lady-like. It's time you change your tastes.
Vic: WHY SPLURGE SO MUCH! Just a Guess or Fossil will do...and now how do I deal with a watch like this. *pout pout pout* *puts on watch*
Mum: Nice what! So demure.
Dad: Ya lor!
Vic: So typical working-class shunu! But I think it grows on you... Thanks leh Daddy! I will love it as much as the Fossil!

Okay, at least I wont have empty wrists tomorrow (: |

about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


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