Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Sometimes you don't know why you love a person, you just do. Other times, you know exactly why. It may be something as small and insignificant as their scent or the way they raise their eyebrows when they talk. It could be the tired lines around their eyes or that even in their deepest sleep, they always seem to gravitate towards you, arms and legs outstretched.
Even when they're obstinate and proud, even when they can't say "I love you," even when they're afraid and keep you at arms length, you still love them. Maybe you even love them more for it.
I don't remember the moment I fell in love with him. It wasn't immediate. My love for him was a, well, rather slow boil. I didn't even recognize it at first. But before I knew it, the water was boiling frantically. I let it continue for a while, allowed myself to get swept up in it, despite my reservations and the nagging feeling that we weren't right for each other. Hell, even the thought of two of us together will send people reeling. Finally, the water began spilling over. I could no longer keep ignoring the obvious.
I didn't know what to do.
So I turned off the stove.
Before we burned ourselves.
I'm sorry that my love ruins everything
I just want happiness. I've now come to the point when I no longer insist it has to radiate from him. Just plain, wholesome happiness. Life gets pretty lonely after a while. It's been quite a while actually. 17 years. Nobody's gonna shower sympathy and care on you. They just acknowledge, and walk on. The world's like that.
It doesnt help that I've been having these horrid, horrid moodswings. I shouldnt be cooped up at home. I'm born an outdoorsy person, and always will be. I shouldnt be caged. I love freedom.
Oh damn. My ribs hurt like hell. I finally understand what "pain with every breath" means. I wonder if this is then end. Does the end feel like this huh? Will i get to see "the light at the end of the tunnel"?
Misery is my fate.
Vicks
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Thursday, November 25, 2004
i wrote half of a very long post, and then lost interest.
im so, so listless and depressed now, i feel i cant blog anymore. but since i told my dearie i would blog tonight, i did. :)
haha, of course, this will never suffice.
there's more to come, when i've received erm, "appropriate help". i need help.
it's a psychological problem i think.
vicks
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Sunday, November 14, 2004
From the Proverb Generator:
- He that is master of himself will soon be master of Victoria Loi.
- All that glitters is 52.
Haha, i think the results are damn hilarious. it's fun clicking "go" on and on, digesting the different amusing results it generates. then again, are they all that amusing? personally, i think no.2 is DAMN TRUE! fwahahaha. i went out with choi fong and huan hui yesterday. yes, to town again. it was an incredibly fun catching up session, despite the rather sharp remarks i made about joker's outing in town. every outing with choi will always end up with a considerably thinner wallet. ah, if only that is the case for my figure! :) i bought huan this really beautiful and classy chess set and toy r'us. HAHAHA. of all places! not cheap tho'...it cost 20 bucks. you know, i cherish my old friendships so much more than my current ones. it is with my old buddies that i can open up without qualms and be the crazy dork that i am. it is with them that i can suggest weird ideas and laugh my head off. it is with them that i can pour out my inner most secrets. i felt so at ease and content yesterday, i realise i actually miss my nanhua days a lot. i could talk on and on with them and not feel the need to catch my breath. there was absolutely no awkward silence, as they were all filled by relentless teasing, laughing and story-tellings. oh, how much i love and miss them!! as much as i try to hide, i really love my good old days in nanhua, when i had SO MANY wonderful friendships. i wonder if it really is my problem that i cant relate that well to my nj friends. it is the school's fault that we had such pathetically few times to bond. we mug, mug and mug some more. after school, we rush home to sleep or to study, depending on what type of student you are. there exists an infallible barrier between us, as much as i try to treat them like old friends. it hurts me so, when i wanna talk to them, but i cant. i had to mask my emotions behind this painful facade of plastic smiles. are friends supposed to be like that? is it alright to feel embarassed when i wanna tell them my stories? ah well, next week's gonna be BUSY but fulfilling i hope. :) am moving house again! you know, the longest period i ever stayed in a house is 3 years. ho! such changes refresh me, like im being given a new lease of life. the only major turn off is the packing. haha. i look forward to it.. love vicks
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Friday, November 12, 2004
ah, looks like somebody's been complacent again :)
the hols have just crept up so steathily upon us, it's kinda eerie eh? half of me still long for normal school days. well, that's prolly cause i miss 52 too much. but anyway, i yearn for those rare, but undeniably enjoyable moments i had with em classmates too. THERE GOES MY YEAR 1 DAYS! they were supposed to be blissful, innocent and carefree! but was it really that way for me? HA! i scorn those who deem jc as the "fun-nest years of education"! gimme kindergarten anytime man!
OP has passed, and i screwed Q and A so horribly, i think i will be in the "World record of nonsensical answers by bimbos", alongside Miss Universe hopefuls. dang, im not finding excuses, but i really do think i was damn unfortch to be asked such a tough question! hmph! i didnt mind getting mediocre scores, or humiliating myself in front of my classmates. but mr yeo was there! i saw him shaking his head and smiling to himself! bah! im hoping so desperately, that he wouldnt remember my looks. hahahaha! im screwed for sure eh?
i've been forcefed with "shopping" so much, that the mention of "town" makes me sick to the gut. outing with jokers wasnt particularly enjoyable. i was really listless and uncombustible. hoho! my legs ached like i just ran 2.4km, and my brain just wouldnt come up with wacky ideas. i wonder what is wrong with singapore now. i realise there is nothing, aboslutely nothing new for me to try out.
unless i fall in love of course. but, HA HA HA. what a joke.
oohhh, and i have bronze streaks on my crown of glory now! im kinda in love with it. well i love ALL changes, good and bad. i think, i've shrugged of my "guai kia" image finally! trust me, i've never been more delighted. heh. for as long as the novelty lasts, the pretty, pretty streaks will stay!
i have a rekindled love for coldplay's "the scientist". gosh, it's so, so melancholic you cant help loving it. i think you guys know where this is leading. haha! yeah, 52 comes to mind when this song plays. he's a reassuring thought at these times. it's like a warm blanky that spreads over my heart. mushy eh! :o) thinking about him is something so familiar, i'd embrace it readily. the problem is, what lies beneath this blanky is an eternity of regrets and misery.
i seriously wonder if this is a mental condition. yeah, besides cowardice of course.
and it looks like i got what i deserved eh? i've ran so fast, and so far, that he's forever out of sight.
and i dont think i will ever get over this either.
(i should be banned from sad, love ballads from now on. but you have to understand they're magic is so addictive, i cant help!)
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Monday, November 08, 2004
in the dying hours that precede OP, im as excited as a bunny. i cant stop smiling foolishly to meself, and i even hopped around in my room :)
yes, im feeling all that adrenaline rush despite my very exhausted being. my neck and shoulders hurt like hell!! AH! i hate it when my physical weakness betray my feelings. it's a mad rush to print and finish typing articles for the GPF. god, i think my room has become a mini press-room, with all that insane frenzy, the furious clicking of my mouse, the the monotonous drone of the keypad being hit.
i've churned out so many articles in the past 2 hours , that the ultra thick stack of papers are used up now. for the first time in my life, i've run out of printing paper! hahahaha.
i really do hope i look presentable tomorrow. for obvious reasons :)
i can do it, cant i?
it's the last lap...and im determined to emerge victorious. and yes, i want a Grade 1 desperately.
love loads,
vicks
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Sunday, November 07, 2004
sorry for the cruel negligence.
i've been rather happy no doubt, but i guess i wont be truly free unless that frickin OP ends.
went out with choi, and i bought pretty stuffs!! spent a HUGE fortune, so much so that i think i will hafta starve for the rest of the month. ooohh, not to mention that long movie marathon i've been indulging in. tra-la-la!
you know, im so LUCKY with some really consequential "matters". guess who my OP assessors will be? haha. im not allowed to tell ya now, but one of them will be my man. GOD. of all people, it had to be him!!!! why oh why? i cannot possibly act nerdy now, for fear of humiliating myself and putting him off forever. so glasses, immaculately drawn-back hair, long skirt are definite no-nos! i cannot be ugly, although i think i may be able to carry off that "geek" look really well, and thus leave a "Gd" impression. but i dont want that kinda "good" impression...i want..well, the other kind :)
so you see how lucky i can get? i will tremble more due to shaky nerves and maybe stumble on my words too. if god's on my side, i may even blabber nonsense in front of him! hahahaha.
this is really similar to 52 always walking past when im ugly. BAH!!
vicks
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Monday, November 01, 2004
there is a family conflict brewing, and im surprisingly unaffected. ah, im sick of being involved in everything major and stressing myself out in the process. as for now, im keeping as low a profile as possible, and hope so dearly to be kept out of it.
i went shopping with mum for the first time in months!! :) we were browsing through winter clothes for that korea trip. as i was too picky, we didnt purchase any, much to the frustration of the salesgirls and my mum alike. hahahaha. im kinda attached to the topshop fall series: darn cheap and rather flattering. argh, i realised all suits for temperatures below 0 make you look fat and short. i think, i'd rather compromise my comfort for style. ah, that is if the parents stop reprimanding me for my foolishness and allow that.
i still feel so much like going to salzburg, vienna. that's the undeniable hub of music! mozart's homeland. it's fall there, not winter. i can dress in darn flattering clothes and look good for once. museums, plays, arthouses..it's a pity my parents dont share the same interests as i do. :( im kinda dreading the korea trip. it's a horrid country in my opinion. the people speak loudly and in harsh tones, and are rude! im sick of asian culture and food. im sick of all the jaundiced-raven black haired figures i see everyday. the only redeeming point of the frickin trip is that i'd finally get to enjoy a christmas abroad.
singapore finally seems to be freezing lately dont ya think so? ah, i love the cold weather, cept that the rain invited unwanted depressing thoughts and all. im wondering how 52 is coping now...
vicks
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