Unintended

It's ironic that the first guy that could send the heart flitter fluttering since 52 is someone I have blood relations with. Well at least my sexual preference-which has been a cause for worry for the past months, is reaffirmed. (:

Oh self-correction, maybe it ain't ironic at all.

Because he's so 52-tanned, skinny, dark eyebrows, intense searing gaze, and blur as hell.

And so Fifi-so painfully shy that he's always reluctant to meet my eyes when we talk, or would fidget so much you would think he'd run away from me the second he gets the chance. He compliments people exactly like how Fifi does: stare at his feet, mumble really softly and when asked to speak louder, stare into the space 2m from you and spouts the words really fast. Extremely endearing! And so comically silly..he doesn't bring a wallet, but puts his loose change in a big plastic bag so chaos would ensue whenever he makes a purchase. I say chaos, because I'll be laughing till I bow over, he'll scratch his head in bewilderment, the ching-ching-ching from the coins would ring really loudly, and the shopkeepers would stare and scold like we're mischievious little kampong kids. And how he takes food for me, even at the restaurant because I cannot use chopsticks for nuts, how he has to de-shell the damn prawns for me because of my irrational fear of seafood, how he shakes his head while doing them, muttering "So old already still don't learn how to do this. Who will take care of you in the future?" -the resemblance to the beloved Fifi is so striking, I'm always left swooning at his actions. Oh they're from the same land too....Malaysian guys are "cool" indeed (:

So him- so reserved, so serious, so charmingly silent, so reluctant with his smiles but when he does flash his teeth, you'll feel like the most blissful person on earth.

He's 3 in one! 3 of the most important figures of my life rolled into a sizzling hot package (: But Vic ain't desperate enough to be incestuous yet....just yet. Heh.

Oh I've never been spoilt like this before. Going to the best restaurants for every meal, having the air-con switched on whenever I enter a room, unlimited internet access, relatives having to compromise and speak to me in English once they've noted my unease with Mandarin, food being shoved into my face continuously, drinks being refilled automatically...the hospitality is incredible. So I have to rave here, despite the exhaustion from travelling all across this town for visiting and the general disgust with this blog. I'm happy. It's such a simple, unadulterated feeling that will be fleeting of course.

At least I have a clearer picture for what defines my smiles and laughter now. And I'm fighting for it...because we're only young once (: If it means stirring up a lil disappointment and minor upsets, well, I'm more than willing to make that sacrifice.

May this be the last entry before a short hiatus, while I find a new footing in life and allow the dearest guest blogger to take over. |

paradise? i guess so
every season brings a different kind of promise. one can see it from the exquisite beauty of spring, the scorching heat of summer, the gentle breeze of autumn n the harsh coldness of winter.
the first wk upon arriving had been quite emotional due to probs like communication barriers, diff lifestyles n most imptly, being alone from everyone i knew.i had never ever felt so lost in my life b4. luckily, life has been great since then.. gaping in wonder at the splendeur n grandeur of snow falling in flakes on a sat two wks ago, i made up my mind there n then that this is the place that i am going to call home in future. it's definitely not just becuz of the lush beauty of snow.it's simply becuz i have really experienced a new lease of life here . at jap lang sch, lessons r always fun n interesting n in my 18 yrs of life, i can say that this is the first time that i look 4ward to going to sch so much. my schmates (fr korea, china,india n bangladeshi) r very helpful n amusing, esp the one who nv fails to make my day everyday. shopping at harajuku n shibuya is a great experience cuz there r always afew damn fascinating ppl to look at.it's no wonder y japan's a trendsetter. the days here have added meaning n joy to my life which has been achingly empty for the past yrs . to me, after floating aimlessly for yrs, life has finally found its meaning n purpose.
but i guess i have to curb my growing fondness for this country n the few ppl i have come to hold so dear as i may have to return back to hell in 6 mths time. |

Like Water In A Desert.

When sober, I'm generally irresponsible.

When woozy, I'm highly volatile, reckless and..pretty much a hazard to everything within my reach. I'll giggle like I used to in those happy, innocent NPCC days when Fifi and the Jokers were around me every freaking time; smile to myself like I have the best life in the world (but we all know better don't we?); spout truths within tales-that is, shrouding the real deal in little white lies, making reality and deception so tightly intertwined, the only time I reveal the most of myself is the time you'll get the most confused trying to decipher my mystery; commit crazy stunts that's really un-Vic (I know only because I used to get really funny sms-es and calls from dubious origins); and mostly just...be really happy and combustible.

And you ah, I think you got a full-blow of it last night via that little device. Muahahaha. So this shall be my apology and explanation! I really wanna know everything I said, how I was like, my giggling rate per hour..everything! So do tell me okay, when we get the chance! (:

Oh yes, to the dearest seemingly non-existant readers (who always devour my entries like ravenous little cannibals-I know everything okay!), there will be a mystery guest blogger while I'm gone. I'm arranging such surprises like I'm actually among the ranks of Cowboy Caleb or MrBrown...but ah, even ordinary bloggers have the right to some excitment in their blogs too!

So, bye for now (only a few days actually). I'm so terrible with farewells, because it gets harder and harder to part with everything here the older I grow. With age comes greater sentimentality, more cherished memories, more loving friends..and mostly, a stronger sense of attachment to everything around you. Now even this uber short trip feels like I'm leaving behind a hell lot.

Okay nevermind, I'll be back with a greater optimism and less emo-entries! Flying away always makes me recharged! Love loads! |

Only We Would Know

Last night I held the longest breath ever in my life.

All the pretence..the tension in the air..one could practically hear the soft crackling. When I misheard her words "You guys have just started working" for "You guys have just started working out", I swear, I was the closest ever to a cardiac arrest or a seizure, for that matter.

And you. You've just been stripped of the privilege to label me as private/enigmatic/mysterious/guarded/secretive like the others do, because no one, none at all, among the throngs of friends, has gained such access into my life before. Not even the dearest, most cherished Fifi. So who are you? The lines are blurred, there's no longer any precise definition. We should be called the Whirlwind Duo, moving on at such incredible pace, we leave confusion, treachery and betrayal in our wake. It's a tad too overwhelming dont you think? A little intimidating even.

A little intimidating, because I'm a riddle that's never meant to be solved and your position is threatening my security and comfort. Is it so easy to grasp the concept of Vic-ism after all? Would you see me as such a simple task, so unchallenging, so uninteresting, so...ordinary?

What should we do huh? What should I do? Tell me, when you do come across this. |

You Were My Twin.

How would you feel when one of your best friends in the world is having the time of her life across the Pacific Ocean, and you're shackled to one restriction after another in this living hell you've grown to loathe so much? Would you rejoice for her, yearn for her wonderful companionship, become green with envy, or sink into the depths of self-despair?

Awww, Chus I miss you like hell. I was never aware of this innate love until our talk today. How dreadfully I'm pining for those days when I only had you to commiserate with about how screwed school, Singapore and our lives are-because you were the only person who shared my views. I pine for your wicked sense of humour, your complement to the bullying of Fifi, your very sincere concern and support, your hand to cling onto, your pinches even....I WANT YOU BY MY SIDE! I NEED YOU!! But that would be too selfish to ask for eh, because I'd never think of returning if I were you too.

Just...know that I love you okay. Will always do so.

I never knew a simple conversation could make me cry torrents-but it really did. It isn't only about missing a bestie to death (though it mostly is), it's also about my inferiority complex. We used to be so similar, but now she's leading the life of her dreams, and I'm still stuck in the rut of teenage angst, confusion, parental/peer pressure...I'm simply pathetic. A good-for-nothing. I'm just wasting away my youth ,and perhaps my entire life being depressed and angry at the slightest provocation, and there's nothing, nothing in the world that could lift me from this dump I've rooted myself to.

I wanna leave too. So badly, no one will ever understand how it haunts me. This is like exacavating the deliberately buried dreams and hopes of the yore..it's painful and humiliating beyond words. I was so preoccupied with the trivial problems of this insignificant life, I failed to realise I had long given up on my dreams. My New York. My freedom. My future. My love.

NEW YORK!!! I can still see myself strolling down Soho, struggling to digest every line from the brilliant shows of Broadway, people-watching in silence at Central Park, rushing throughout Times Square just for the kick for emulating the New York-lifestyle, having awful chinese food, meeting loads of the beloved brown-haired hotties, reading the NYT religiously, ride in the cutest yellow cabs, and maybe even running into a criminal or two. It's been ages since I ranted about such stuff eh, but the emotions still run strong. Perhaps renewed by Chus' inspiration.

I've never felt more inspired in my life before.

From now, I shall live for happiness and fulfilment. It's my life, and I cannot share it with everyone around me for I really want to know what it's like living a dream before I die. I'll never do so should I remain this tied down by innumerable obligations.

I want a one-way ticket. To NYC or Japan, it doesn't matter. Just as long as it makes my heart sing. That is my goal people, to be able to leave this miserable land indefinitely. To embrace the new lease of life that I so badly deserve.

Pray that I'll attain it okay?







And Chus, you'll be reading this...so, You owe me your friendship for life, for making me sob like a loony in front of the monitor! Heh. I wanna hug you very badly, so lets pray everyday that I can come visit you asap k? We could watch the pretty sakuras and fantasise about our non-existant love lifes, people-watch and laugh at weird (ie hideous) people, stalk hot guys (like my beloved YF!)...I don't know. I feel like I'm making empty wishes now, but I love you! Will be missing you like crazy everyday, and I hope you will too! XOXO! |

The Tummy Thrives.

So I've started my 9-hour working days. I've been at this for more than a month now, and the image of friends laughing at the thought of me suffering for a living has long faded. It has been integrated my life, and I've proven that I CAN WORK. Spoilt little princesses do grow out of their over-dependency and goodfornothing-ness! I must admit though, this is unarguably the most dilligent phase of my life. Not even the A's has made me this permanently drained, ravenous and stressed.

Just take a look at my diet today.

Breaky: Huge bowl of cereal and 2 bars of Uncle Toby's.
Lunch: Fried BeeHoon and 3 currypuffs.
Dinner: Mum's cooking (rice and dishes yes!) and the beloved double cheeseburger meal from MacD's.

I'm eating twice the amount I usually do, maybe even thrice. It's so scary that the incredible amount ingested has never induced bloatedness, just a barely-there satiation. And I predict supper to be another majestic feast. :(It's little wonder that the Momster has been complaining of late, "Why eat so much still cannot fatten up one? You're simply a waste of food!". A waste of food, not money mind you. Heh. The only reason why I still have bottoms to wear is because of my hideously protruding pelvic bones. Jeans and pants have since sunken into a state of negligence, and I'm permenantly in skirts that sit ultra low on the hips or fastenened with belts.Now I have a reason to go, "I have no clothes to wear!", and shopping has become a necessity (:

But well, in spite of the evident physical strain, this job does has its rewards. I get to take home priceless, hilarious memories and sincere friendships should I ever resign prematurely.

Drum: Vic, are you free now?
V: Ya, why?
D (nods head with dead earnesty): I want to book an appointment!
V: Har? What appointment?!
D: An appointment with you!
V: Go take your queue-calls lah, silly!


Wing (mouthing the words): Vic, are you going home now?
V (mouthing back): No, I'm working till 5.30.
W: Then not taking shuttle bus with me huh?
V: Cannot lah.
BL: What what what? Want to go home with Victoria is it?!!
W: Eh...no lah no lah.
BL: I heard you okay! I told you already ah, don't come and pollute my Victoria. Go home yourself, quick go!
*colleauges burst into laughter*



Tini (while bending over my desktop to help me with a particularly difficult patient): Wah, what hit my buttocks?
V (turning back to see W's startled face): OMG! What did you do?
W: Nothing! The paper flew and hit her! I only caught it in time!
V: Molest her ah, you.
W: *glares*
Tini: Young girls ah, like this also laugh so much.




Patient: Wah Miss, you're very nice leh. Thank you so much for all your efforts. Young people are seldom this polite nowadays.
V: Thank you sir. You've been a very understanding patient too. Have a nice day!
Patient: Hahahaha. So cute, still giggle some more. Happy new year to you.
V: Same to you sir, byebye! *smiles like a dope for a few hours straight*



Wing (to Clara, who's obessed with folding over-sized paper stars): Har, why you fold so many hearts?
Alice (who is twice Wing's age): Hahahahahahaha. Heart! This is heart ah? Hahahaha.
*both Alice and Wing begin giggling like lovers*
Vic: What secret are you guys sharing?
Clara: They all lor! Laugh at my stars!
*both continue looking at each other and giggling*
Clara: Hopeless lovers!
Alice: Ya lor, I like xiao didi!
Wing: *covers ears and returns to phone*



Beelian (while introducing the new boy to Emily): This is your Mummy.
V: Har, why mummy?
BL: She look like mother mah.
Emily: *mumbles incoherently*
BL: Vic you don't laugh. Yuting, this is xiao mei-mei.
V: How can! I'm so much older than him!
BL (shoots me an appraising look): Don't care, still mei-mei.
V: Then what are you?
BL: Me ah...I'm his shi-fu *poses like ultraman*



Mich: Wah Vic really very guai leh, Beelian. So polite, like a doll-doll hor?
BL: Hmm ya lor. Told you already, so cannot pollute her ah.
V (showing my fave hand-flicking gesture): Don't be crazy lah!
Mich: Haha. So cute one her actions.
V: Aiyah stop it already. Very paiseh one leh!
BL: Okay okay...Shhhh! The guai girl needs to do serious work now!


I receive as much protection and unwavering care as an endangered species in the office. It's altogether a wholesome, heart-warming and sweet experience, despite the measly pay and the ailments that have been weighing my heart down ever since the first day of work. Maybe, just maybe, I could learn to live with this.

I've been struggling to strike a delicate balance between fulfilment and responsibility. I guess my efforts have paid off...for the time being. Who knows how long this will last, or how long till the next black wave washes ashore. But I should really count my blessings now, because life is definitely less screwed as compared to the miserable NJ days.


At least I feel loved. Which is all I really wanted all these while. |

Define Us, Please

I wished the road stretched on forever.

Nevermind that I was a horrid company, croaking curt replies to your earnest questions. Nevermind that I wasn't my fun and combustible self, thus ruining this short lease of freedom you had.
Nevermind all the troubles I unintentionally caused.

I just want the peace and quiet, lingering contentment that comes attached to the gift of your attention. I just want to have every single one of my thoughts empathised, to have my every word mulled over like I'm the world's greatest prophet.

I just want, a like-minded kindred spirit.

I will miss you. A hell lot.

"I dunno when I'll see you again."

"Ya. I dunno too...but you'll call me right?"

"Ya. Bye bye. Take care okay."

"You too."

The farewell didn't hurt, but reminiscing about such moments does

Someday I should finally stop joking about "missing you everyday", and learn to reveal it to you with gravity and sincerity.






The thing is, I still can't find a term apt enough to describe the entity called "Us". |

Shwweeeettt Like Candy

BL (upon learning that we lunched together): Eh don't pollute my Victoria ah! She's very guai one leh!

W&D: Yeah sure! *cheeky grins*

BL: Eh Vic, next time I tell you hor, don't hang out with them ah! Don't worry, I won't arrange your lunch times together again.

Vic: But why??? They're very nice people!

W&D: Of course we're nice lah....Eh BeeLian, give us some face leh!

BL: Go to work, go to work! Don't disturb Vic ah, I tell you!

W&D: Don't worry, we'll protect her one lah!

*laughter all around office*


Anecdotes like these are really humiliating to share, but I can't help smiling to myself when they come to mind. It goes to show how much people actually care about me yeah. Well actually BL is an excellent judge of character, because prior to that, the silly guys were discussing about Viagras, prostitutes and, tsk, various sources of male entertainment.(:

But I have really sweet people around me all the time!

Like how every colleague around me would lean over and listen in on my convos, readily lending assistance-for almost every phonecall, really! And how they'd give encouraging pats on the back or brief massages, "Okay hor, Vic?". And how they would murmur in assent when BL goes, "Wah Vic ah, I see you already I also bo xim scold liao lah. So soft lah you!" and "I think male callers would really keep calling you ah. Even angry ones listen already also will melt!". SUPER GOOSE-BUMPS INDUCING EH? Uber awkward, but heart-warming nevertheless, because we all know how hard it is to find nice colleauges in a tough world like this.

Oh, the patients deserve a mention too. Eunice and I both share a secret fetish for SAF guys. Most are pretty well-endowed with voices that would melt MY heart, and it helps that they are extremely polite too! I'd smile like a dope to myself (thank god for the privacy granted in the cubicles!) when they take the effort to remember my name, wish me a nice day, thank me for my perkiness, call me "dear" (this is the ultimate! now you know what to do to buy my love!)...blah blah. I remember JW telling me how easy it is to fall for a guy with a nice voice, and I'd have to say, I totally empathise with her now!

Sigh, and my dearest W&D. I'm really touched how gaming freaks like them would volunteer taking me to X-square with them, and even to lend me their beloved games! Vic, the most unlikely gamer in the world, could actually be included and even participate (!) in their convos! It's so cute how our goodbyes go..

Wing: Bye bye!
Vic: Not bye, see you online tonight!
Wing: Haha okay! We'll chat if you finally stop talking to boys on the phone.
Vic: You say that everytime! Have I ignored your initiations before?
Wing: Later you fry your brain with radiation and you become more retarded how?
Vic: Idiot you!
Wing: I bet they compete to see who can call you the most times in a month! Hahaha. Next time I should spam your phone too!
Vic: GO HOME LAH. TALK SO MUCH!

It just seems like my working life seems more carefree and blissful than my personal life now. At least I won't find myself being caught in the middle, bearing the deadliest secrets, and telling the most treacherous lies. Maybe I'm really the devil behind the unintentional facade. God knows why BL sees me in such angelic light, when I'm the greatest sinner in the world! |

I Was Gonna Be A Cardiologist, But I Didn't Have The Heart.

I have the best colleagues in the world, I tell you.

Lets start with the senior female colleagues first. BeeLian was fussing over me the moment I told her, "Sorry BeeLian, I have a sorethroat today, so I can't answer calls.". Very maternal, very caring, very loving. I like how she asks consistently, "Ok hor? Still can do hor?" and practically insisted that I should take leave.

"If not you'll be sick till CNY ah I tell you! Better take now. What if your sorethroat gets worse then how? Wait ah, I'll go tell Lucy for you."

If that isn't sheer sweetness, I don't know what is. She even took the initiative to apply leave for me! I nearly died of guilt then, having to secretly harbour my hatred for work. And then there's so many other nice random staff (er...Tini? Daph? Jo? Emily? Gosh, I'm so horrible with names!) who expressed their concern. "Must go home and rest okay!", "Aiyoh, talk too much with boyfriend over the phone lah! Next time must have self-control!"..stuff like that. News spread very fast in this tiny office of ours, but so does care (:

And there's the 2 silly Wing and Drumstick. The amazing games-addict, though very gallant duo. They make the daily, routine MSN and SMS convos fun again. The notes they secretly slip me (of which contents are strictly confidential!), their constant reminders of "Please drink lots of water and don't sleep so late k!", their emails (yes, I'm surprised people still email nowadays!), their sms...everything just spells of sweetness. Even the names by which they call me are really complimentary ones. Very heart-warming and "awwww"-inducing! Heh heh. As compared to the names I've given them ;) These boys will grow up to be fine, young gentlemen. I'm really fortunate to have made such new friends at work!

Now you see, I have great colleagues, but I still hate work. It's not unlike my life in NJ, how I love every one of my most-cherished friends, but still loathe school.

I don't have the heart to resign already, lah. :( |

I wonder if he still has that picture of us as his wallpaper.

The one he asked to take on Prom Night.

Or has he replaced it with a picture of some dog (symbolism, people!) or one with his gay buddies? Is it even still in his phone memory, considering how he's really hot property among girls?

He still owes me a horror movie. And a clubbing date. Does he remember that? When will we ever meet up again? Has it ever crossed his mind how I'm surviving this dreadful life of mine without him? Does he miss my pinches, foot-stomping, hair-ruffling, ear-pulling and "Fifi" screaming antics? Does he go, "Wah without her hands on my cheeks, I feel so liberated!", or "My ears are itching for her jubilant cries of "Fifi!" all around school!"?

Tekong's reception is lousy as hell. But I'll pine for his calls just the same, because I'll never be the one of the most important people he has to meet when he books out. Shan't be a greedy girl.








I've been missing friends A LOT lately. Especially the dearest K-box gang and the Darling :( Fifi the most of course, but NS can't be helped. Like I told the other, it's a responsiblity he must undertake. Heh.

Please shower me with more affections. Because all the love in the world would really sustain me through work, and miserable life in general. |

A sorethroat never feels this good before (:

If ailments become your sole ticket to freedom, you know how pathetic your life has become. Working seemed like such an interesting prospect then, because we were all fresh out of school, so eager to break free from its shackles. And besides, I really did think I could live with the extra cash.

Now I'm extremely dazed and helpless, having just taken the plunge into yet another routine that robs the joy and fun out of me. It's suicide I tell you. It's almost like (though slightly better) studying in NJ again. I don't need the cash, don't need to live up to expectations, don't need anymore lessons on responsibility and obligations, and most certainly don't need to be subjugated by restrictions again.

Why am I working?

I'm only 18 once, and I'm squandering the longest holiday I'll ever have in my life being depressive and whiny. Where were all my plans of taking up lessons, partying these months away, attracting all the eye candies I possibly can, meeting up with the sorely missed friends, and travelling??

Sometimes we just get sweeped along with the huge wave called Peer/Parental Pressure, and then get dragged all the way down by it's undercurrent.

Maybe I should claim my life back. The loan's way overdue.

To resign, or not? Help me people. |

The Luckiest Girl Alive.

Because dearest, dearest Fifi just called from camp.

Like oh my freaking god! Those who know him would know I'd pine to my death before he'll even think of giving me a ring.

But he did!! I'm so overjoyed, I'm utterly lost for words now. Sorry for the poor language (:

"Eh, am I the first girl you called or not?"

"Ah......Erm.....My mother lor!"

"Idiot lah. I mean among non-family members!"

"Eh yah lah. Haha."



I always knew I meant something to him.

Except, well, I really should have given him priority. It isn't like he calls everyday (tsk tsk!), and this is the man I will name my kids after. Maybe familiarity, warmth and comfort really does precede the strongest friendship. Maybe I was too clouded over with the excessive care, attention and concern the other lavished on me.

But I won't be so anymore. At least I must try.

I have so many secrets to bear, and the heart is weighing down on my soul. |

You Know The Black Wave Has Washed Ashore When...

• You're taking half-day leaves without being apparently sick. Sure, you've had dizzy spells and upset stomaches, but hang-overs aren't really valid excuses for illness yeah?
• You've downed the entire Absolut bottle in 2 weeks, when it usually takes the most hardcore clubber 2 months to finish the damn thing.
• You're calling up friends at the last minute for their lovely company, because you don't wanna wander around in the rain alone. And yes, you'd rather be murdered than to return home, sulking under your blankets in desolation.
• One cursory glance at the rain, and you're overwhelmed with the urge to cry. Which you did of course, when the dam couldn't hold back the threatening tears any longer. It helps that you have chosen the most public of all places-the freaking mrt station for a meltdown. How exciting eh, when you're so pathetic, you require perfect strangers for comfort and reassurance.

"Eh, whatever happened, things will surely get better."

Thank you, the uber sweet NS-guy who had to miss his train because of his misfortune of spotting me weeping in a corner. Thank you. 5 minutes of your time meant the world to me (:

• You WANT to be drunk. To be impermeable to the world's troubles.

Best you remain permenantly drunk dear, because as recent events have proved to you, PASSIVITY IS THE KEY TO BLISS.

|

freezing outside, warm inside.

but this is booze induced happiness.

heart very very pain, lah.

can die.

wanna die.

will die. |

11am, on a public holiday morning, and I'm cooped up at home, taking swigs straight from the Absolut bottle.


Maybe I'll get so drunk I'll start hurling non-stop, puking my stomach out, and just....die of severe internal haemorrhage.

Or at least be granted some bliss and oblivion, because I'm so distraught with the guilt, regret and yearning that comes along with You. Not your fault, it's my life that's so fucked up.

I'm screwed for life I know.

I rather suicide than to back out on you. Okay, shall go cry under my blanket now because you just replied.

Don't be so sweet when I'm the one who's letting us down. It makes me feel like I'm only a worthless bitch who makes empty promises of love and concern....I'm not worthy of even your attention.

I hope you'll forget me. Please do. |

Dessert Arrives Early

I miss waiting so damn long, I doze off with my phone on my chest.

And then practically jumping up when it vibrates. Oh, how even the most casual remark makes me smile.




Now I'll get to relive this, albeit only for a day-but it's enough. Counting down has acquired an all new meaning altogether. It's endless pining, lonliness and quiet desperation that cleverly disguises itself as depression. It isn't immense sadness quite as yet, just bitterness of a temporal loss with a tinge of sweet anticpation.

I'm so delighted, I'm gonna celebrate Haji now, come freaking daily rains or dearly-missed sunshine. Please love me more if you see me standing outside your door, thoroughly drenched, umbrella in hand; tissue in another, waiting to meet you. (: |

We're Still Not Of A Kind

I expected a major cry-fest last night, because trust the higher powers from above to arrange for most of the close friends going in today. As if this was my retribution for being such a bad girl-to have my heart lacerated with the immense pain of parting.

I hate partings, I really really do. It breaks my heart worse than the longest running crush. I'm too sentimental even by girl-standards. I collect paraphernalia from the past and tuck them into various corners of the frayed heart, cherishing them when no one does anymore. Like old memories...like old friends.

So I was busy frantically phoning them one by one. Or hanging out with one (;

I imagined emotionally charged phonecalls, with long heavy silences filled with my quiet sobs. I wanted more sincere displays of feelings, because after all, things may never be the same again once they're in. You know what I mean. But all of their response were uncannily in unison.

"Aiyah. 2 weeks is so short only. What's there to be sad about? Hahahahaha. I'm actually looking forward to it!".

Okay, so I was behaving worse than the clingy-est girlfriend..I was the female best-friend from hell. Muahahaha. Facing words like those, I had to swallow my bitterness and try to match their nonchalence word for word.

And today, I awoke with a sudden sense of great loss, much before I gained consciousness of my surroundings. Like the heart spoke even before the brain roused. Like the tears were shed even before reason occured.

When I remembered the reason for this inexplicable sadness, I was actually sobbing uncontrollably.















Things may never be the same again, best friends or not. |

I Told You To Go Up, But I'll Be Heading Otherwise.

Actually I miss pain.

Sweet, familiar, comforting old pain that makes me ponder and contemplate about the desolation and injustice of Life. It's funny how I was all light-headed and giggly the past minute, and now after listening to Shan Hu Hai for the nth time, and flipping through the well-thumbed Prozac Nation, I'm hearing the beckoning of the Black Wave again.

After being happy for this long, I need a good cry. A good hug while I drench your shoulders with my inexplicable tears, soothing words to reassure your love for me while I fill your ears with annoying whines, a warm tug on my hand when all I can offer is frosty clamminess.

Maybe I can never be catch up at this "Lets all be happy and make merry" game. It's never me. Being smiley and cheery for too long makes me feel superficial-like disgusting cotton candies that all normal girls love. All easy on the eyes outside, but no substance inside. I want to be the darkest chocolate ever. Plain-looking and unpalatable to critics, but speaks of understated individuality and depth to those who appreciates. Never really a popular favourite, but it's okay, because those who truly understand, love it for what it is. Lavish more attention and care on me, and you'll find that I grow on you. That's the real me. Bittersweet, but more bitter than sweet. Not entirely a candy, just a reluctant one that's stuck in between.

Not everyone would empathise, but those who would, I think we should be soulmates. Be with me for a lifetime, so I'll never have to face societal condemnation alone.

Maybe that's why when people ask me why there isn't anyone else since 52, I'd say I'm perfect the way I am. Because I think your love defines who you are. I was, and thus 52.

Now I am, and thus... nothing.

Very lost, and still struggling with life. |

I find it so incredible that the boys are already discussing NS with such fervour even prior to enlistment.

They'd go on and on, bringing up totally unfamiliar terms like "Pes E" and "reveille" while I'd tune out from time to time listlessly. Well I do try to participate, asking questions like, "So when does your service period end?" and "Do you all know when you can book-out already?"-only to have them LOL in my face!

"Vic, you're so cute lah. Who asks this kind of questions one!"

"What, cannot meh? I'm concerned about you all okay! I just want to meet up with you all as often as possible!"

"Silly girl! " -laughter and headshaking all around-

" You idiots lah. I won't bother with NS anymore! You guys talk about it like it's an ego trip. Next time if you wanna discuss about this topic, DON'T ASK ME OUT."

"But it's like girls talking about prom and shopping. It's in our nature."

"Tell me, do you understand terms like "lace-up heels" and "mascara"? Oh don't pretend, of course you do. But what's with "reveille" and stupid short-forms like "8 clicks"? You're totally leaving me out of the convo."



And there's this thing about camera-phones.

"Why cannot bring camera-phones to camp meh?"

"Cannot lah. Must declare (blah blah blah)...confiscated...blah blah".

"But why cannot!"

"They don't allow you to take photos lor."

"You are not freaking answering my question!"

"Hahahahahaha!"


Really, I don't understand why people find me funny when I'm perfectly serious, or agitated. Extremely sadistic friends I have.

And I won't even bother sending Fifi off, best friend or not. I can just see myself bawling my eyes out and clinging onto his sleeve, and him half-laughing, half-chiding "Don't be silly lah!" and patting my head. Like I'm a child.

Vic will always be a silly child in your eyes eh? |

Maybe Love Is All About the Timing.

So I went back to my dreadful school to relive Orientation today. Except the school wasn't so dreadful anymore, and I was left speechless most of the time, being too overwhelmed by the great rush of emotions and memories.

Memories like my uniform- how I'd always leave my shirt untucked out of laziness, and tug at my ultra short altered skirt consistently. And I know very well how my skirt is so notorious, it's reputation precedes mine.

Like tying my untamed mane- how I'd spend hours tidying it, with my efforts ending in futility. I'm so averse to restrictions, even my hair has the ability to protest.

Like taking 852- my favourite bus ever. How it feels so familiar, I feel totally at home on my usual seat. And how I'd always pine for the beloved HCB to board it one stop after mine.

Like walking down the track from the bus-stop- with the dearest Nanhua gang. How we'd joke and tease and laugh non-stop on carefree days, and whine and complain on days preceding major exams.

Like looking at the field longingly-always in hope of catching a glimpse of 52. I still can't kick the habit till now. It's part of my reflexes whenever I enter the compound.

Like cursing the bloody architect that designed the infinite number of steps around school under my breath as I climb it- like there's ever any use of that.

Those habits still stick with me, even up till now.

You'd think it was a wasted trip, because we didn't even do much. But it means so much to me, to relive Mass Dance (listening to Summer Nights make me smile like a dork all over again. We all know how Mass Dance makes me all hyped up, don't we.), walking round the various parts of school that hold so many memories (painful or sweet), to chat with random people around school (like MY bear-bear, Rena, Zhihao, Victor-male counterpart! and insane JunKiat) and fufilling the sick but long-awaited boys' toilet date. I could still recall the perfect Orientation days vividly. Like those juniors, I would scream my head off at every cheer, attempt to chat with everyone around me, and of course, crane my neck for hot guys (that's how I discovered the true gem. heh.).I can never understand why nostalgia can be so sweet and heartwrenching at the same time. I spent the most miserable years of my life in NJ, yet now, I'm actually missing those moments.

The school still feels claustrophobic and depressing- but there's an inexplicable longing to remain there forever. I'm so glad the company was sweet and the sentiments were mutual, so at least there was someone to comprehend my unfounded emotions that were too empowering. Maybe there's a reason why souls connect-to share special moments with no need for many words. Today's the most meaningful day I had ever since the A's ended.

"So..do you miss school?"

"Ya, I do. Do you?"

"Yes. A lot, even though I used to hate NJ like hell."

"Why do you hate school?"

"I told you before what! It's old and depressing and feels claustrophobic"

" Claustrophobic meh? I like the canteen."

"Haha. Cos of the food right?!"

"Ya. What did you like about NJ?"

"The people. We have very nice people here. You?"

"My friends, and CCA."

"It's so sad and ironic."

"Ya."



Why, does it seem so easy to love NJ now, like how it was during the first 3 months when I could actually kill just to secure a spot here...despite the indescribable pain it brought me?

Life is a cruel irony, really. |

2 Days Late.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Spent the night all alone at the park.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year? Nope, so no point starting to make them now really. But maybe I should: Stir up less boy-problems (:

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? NO! THANK GOD.

5. What countries did you visit? Infinite trips to M'sia. Funny how things can be so different when we're only separated by a thin strip of sea. But I love it there, considering the greatest guys I've known (Daddy, Fi, Tay) hail from there!

Then there's this Bangkok trip that's totally unmemorable, save for the shopping.

And I went to the Banyan Tree for the first time! The view from the room is mind-blowing I tell you. Still, undisturbed waters, setting sun, smattering of diamonds-like reflection in the sea...I love it that the room's pool is right beside the open waters, so you'd feel that you have the entire ocean to yourself. How very exclusive! It's so beautiful, you'd die to stay in the pool forever.

Finally, Hongkong and China, where I spent the most heartbreaking Christmas ever . Imagine shivering under heaps of blanket, watching sad Chinese MTV, munching on horrid cookies and having a poster of Chairman Mao smiling down at you...and wishing like hell he would at least send some love over. And Hongkong-the land of very hot BUT FREAKING INDECENT guys. I hate it how their eyes travel downwards once they've lingered long enough on your face, then walk forward to mumble something in Cantonese (of which I fortunately have a poor command of), and flash some freaking slimy smile. The straw that broke MY back finally came in the form of this fucking hot guy (irony I know) who groped me. I never knew I had the ability to cuss at and slap a stranger, but I guess a depressed, angry girl is a dangerous girl. Freaking traumatising trip it was..and I don't think it helped in my trust issues with guys much.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Good grades. I've been missing them for 2 whole freaking years already.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 31/12. Because I finally got my catharsis by writing my infamous "Dear You"s to the ones that stirred up the most overwhelming emotions in me, and realised I could get used to my own company. Maybe eccentric people like me ought to be accustomed to lonliness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting over 52. I never knew I could do it either, but the pain's gone now, thankfully.

9. What was your biggest failure? Studies, duh.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I get sick A LOT. But I always like having fever because it makes me delirious. Like an alcohol-induced high, only it's free.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Booze. I'm a sucker for the temporal bliss and oblivion.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Maybe Fi. For finally being sweet enough to me.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? That effing molester duh. I hope he burns in hell forever..but he may be sadistic, so whatever gives him pain and misery, I'd want that for him.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clubbing, movies, food, clothing, and bloody notes!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Important school events, because I would always risk spraining my neck looking around for his silhouette.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Gui Ji, by Jay. So cheena, so un-me eh. But the lyrics speaks volumes. "If parting symbolises the start of pain, then I'd like to fall in love all over again before the end arrives".

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i) Happier or sadder? Happier. Definitely, with 52 finally out of my life. ii) Thinner or fatter? Fatter, but I wont be so weight-obsessed anymore. If you love me, you gotta love my body, fats and all! iii) Richer or poorer? Richer. Though not much more, considering the measly pay I'm drawing.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Confessing. Tsk.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Shrinking into oblivion when there were so many perfect opportunities. That's just the way I am I guess, cowardly, unconfident and painfully shy. A good-for-nothing freak.

20. Did you fall in love in 2005? Nope. Only 18 and too terribly jaded.

21. How many one-night stands? None.

22. What was your favourite TV program? The O.C- undisputedly so.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, heart has insufficient room for hatred.

24. What was the best book you read? The best things I read this year weren't books.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Starsailor.

26. What did you want and get? Satisfaction and fulfilment after miserable school-life.

27. What did you want and not get? We all know what I yearned for the most these 2 years.

28. What was your favourite film of this year? Pride and Prejudice (: I have the greatest crush on Keira since forever. And it helps that I had the greatest company watching it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Surrounded by loads of loving friends and family. 18-I'm finally legal!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I only dared to approach him, or even manage a weak smile...if I even tried something!! He'll probably see me as an ice-queen forever.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Blah. Was clad in grey, extremely unflattering uniform for most of the year, so what else can I say?

32. What kept you sane? Copious amounts of booze and love from friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Adam Brody. Tall, skinny, dorky, messy hair...AND, he's Seth! My fave OC character.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Bush and New Orleans, and the strikes in my beloved NYC.

35. Who did you miss? 52, always.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Ah, my beloved juniors! Priceless memories they've given me.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Life is good to everyone, it only depends on your attitude towards it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. But I will not weep, for those dying days. For all the ones who've left, there's a few that stayed. And they found me here,and pulled me from the grass where I was laid- The Calendar Hung Itself, Bright Eyes. |

about

Currently eighteen, and waiting for my angsty phase to run out. I'm a slave to books, to unfortunate circumstances like "exams" and "assignments". My expertise is my 100 decibel scream and barking laughter. I'm profoundly in love with NYC, and there isn't a second in which I don't wish for a life there.

This is not entertainment nor a place too seek for deep musings.This is the highly selective, highly biased, highly opinionated account of my life. I just write, as I feel. No, not think. Feel.

"Loss of Privacy" Index


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